Donald Trump For President!!! (But Not Really)

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Donald Trump For President!!! (But Not Really)

-By Caleb Jones


My prayers have been answered. Donald Trump is running for president.

Ohhh, sweet lord Jesus, this is going to be so awesome!

I’ve got my popcorn ready...I can’t wait to watch the bloodbath.

He’s not going to win of course. I doubt he even wants to win. This is all a publicity stunt to improve his personal brand. And it will work. He’ll make mountains of money off all of this. Nationally-known presidential candidates always do. Running for president is a great business model.

Here’s why Donald Trump running for president will be the Greatest Thing Ever:

1. He’s a billionaire with his own money, so he doesn’t need to kiss anyone's ass or pander to anyone for campaign donor cash.

2. He doesn’t really want to win, so he can say literally whatever he wants with no filter whatsoever. He has nothing to lose.

3. He’s a complete and total asshole. He’ll bash everyone involved because he loves the drama.

4. He knows that the more of a jerk he is, the more attention he’ll get, which is what he wants.

5. He’s not a politician. He doesn’t have to be politically correct in any way.

He's only given one speech so far, and it was friggin' craptacular! Here’s just a small sample of it:
Play Video
Ohhhh this is going to be so good. The guy actually hired actors to watch that speech. If you actually watch the full speech, which I did with an ear-to-ear smile on my face the entire time, you can tell he didn't even practice it at all. He was just talking off the cuff and out his ass. He just doesn't give a shit. Man, this can't get any better!

I'm hoping and praying every day that he gets enough poll numbers to get into the Republican debates. He will absolutely eviscerate all those other boring corporatist bastards. God damn, that would be great. Of course Trump is a big government corporatist himself, but he's not going to win nor wants to, so he's safe. Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush are far more of a threat to your personal freedom than Trump ever could be. That's why him running is an absolute win/win for everyone...except for the other candidates, pretty much all of whom (on both sides) really do need their asses kicked. And no one can kick ass and piss people off like The Donald.

So if any pollsters call you, tell them you're voting for Trump! (Even if you really aren't!)

Leave it to Trump to make the slow collapse more entertaining!


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This article was originally published on June 22, 2015
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  • Netbug 2015-06-23 07:40:27

    What are your thoughts on Bernie Sanders?

  • Caleb Jones 2015-06-23 09:54:10

    He's a socialist so I disagree with him on all of his fiscal views. But he's honest. If American progressives were real progressives and not fake progressives, they would vote for Bernie Sanders. But because they aren't, they'll vote for the warmongering corporate-owned criminal (Hillary).

  • TheFlux 2015-07-07 17:05:53

    So, he's now running for sure. And he seems genuinely interested in winning and in having our country's best interest in mind. His speeches, yes, are probably mostly unplanned, but even though it's stream of consciousness, I agree with a lot of what he says. What are your thoughts now that he's committed?

  • Caleb Jones 2015-07-08 12:45:13

    He's filed, I'm still not sure if he's actually serious, but I admit he could be. The reality is that no person running for president could A) make the country that much worse than it already is or B) fix any of the country's current major problems. So if Trump became president, I think it would be hilarious and exciting. I'd be for it. When you get past much of his crazy rhetoric, I do agree with Trump on more than 50% of his core issues. But I could say the same thing about Rand Paul.

  • Randy 2015-07-28 17:31:25

    Very interesting perspective on The Donald. Apparently he's leading the Republican polls though, so we might just get him for president in 2016. I'm pretty solidly libertarian, but there's one thing I've been really thinking about with Trump. He knows how to make money. He's gone from nothing to billions, to nothing, then back to billions again. I believe The Art of the Deal is something like the second highest selling business book of all time. Do you think if he somehow manages to win, that he'll be able to put any kind of significant halt on the economy's massive plummet?

  • Caleb Jones 2015-07-30 11:50:46

    Very interesting perspective on The Donald. Apparently he’s leading the Republican polls though, so we might just get him for president in 2016.
    We won't. He's not one of the chosen ones. America is not a democracy.
    I’m pretty solidly libertarian, but there’s one thing I’ve been really thinking about with Trump. He knows how to make money.
    He's also an authoritarian. Very non-libertarian.
    He’s gone from nothing to billions
    No, he was born rich. His dad gave him $5 million for his high school graduation. Read is autobiography. He comes from a lot of of money. Granted, he's still a skilled businessman, but he didn't start from nothing. Quite the opposite.
    Do you think if he somehow manages to win, that he’ll be able to put any kind of significant halt on the economy’s massive plummet?
    No. America is past the point of no return and is unfixable now. Our last opportunity to turn America around fiscally was during the 1990s.

  • Randy 2015-08-02 20:58:19

    Oh wow, all this time I thought he was self-made...pretty far the opposite, heh. That's too bad that he wouldn't be able to put the brakes on anything...although if he's strongly corporatist, I guess it'd just be welfare to the rich. Oh well. Guess there's nothing left to do but gather more assets and plan exit strategies.

  • Jason 2017-12-09 16:33:05

    Man - it's great reading these articles with 20/20 hindsight, now that he is President.

  • Alexander 2018-01-08 12:00:13

    He's a bigger threat to personal freedoms than you expected, right ?