PolyOz – Early 30s Divorcee

I first found out about Blackdragon from my then wife. Her date at the time had
mentioned the site to her, and given all the things that she knew that I was dealing with she
passed on the details knowing that it was exactly what I was looking for…
Flashback 2 years earlier: I was 7 years married, we had 3 children together and I was
desperately depressed. Our marriage was sexless, I was addicted to porn as a way of numbing
and escaping my day to day reality. I had just had another fight with my wife and I left the house
in near tears to head to work. Only today was different. Today rather than simply heading to
work, I thought about stepping out in front of a train instead. That moment lasted for about 30
minutes, I mapped out exactly where I was going to go and where I was going to walk to and it
still counts as one of the darkest and scariest days of my life. It was also the day that I realized I
had to sort myself out.
The next 12 months were probably the hardest 12 months of my life and that didn’t even
involve my separation. I had to deal with the reality of my situation. I was a 34 year old man who
had no direction. I was depressed and I’d had suicidal thoughts. I have an Indian background
(born in Australia) and I had to confront all the shame that came with growing up in that culture.
I had married my first girlfriend at the age of 26 and had done everything that I thought I was
supposed to do. Got married, got the job, had the kids. But inside I felt like a fraud. Even though
I had married a Caucasian girl, my self belief was still that no girl was ever going to find me
attractive again unless I was a suck up or if my pay packet was big enough. I had to admit to my
wife about my addiction to porn and through lots of counseling and my own self awareness I
eventually asked her for an open marriage as a way for me to deal with the insecurities that I had
never dealt with when I was younger. Although reluctant at first, my wife agreed as she could
see how everything that was going on with me was stemming from my core beliefs around
myself and women.
Our relationship for the next 6 months was actually incredible after we went Open. We
were closer than ever before, we were talking liked we hadn’t talked in years and we felt
connected to each other in a way that we didn’t really think was ever going to be possible again.
Our sex life picked up again too.
Unfortunately, also during that 6 months, I realized that I had no idea what to do. I went
on one date in that period and it ended disastrously as I had no clue how to date. After my initial
enthusiasm, I started getting down and depressed again. My wife was meeting confident sex
positive alpha men and she’d had sex with about 5-6 guys so her view of me was starting to
diminish the longer I was stuck. Then she chatted with a potential date who was also in an open
relationship and she was sharing bits about how tough I had been finding it and he passed on
BD’s details to her saying that it had been something that had changed his life.
After she passed it onto me, I went through all the information on BD’s site and it was
everything I had been looking for. It was like all the lights had been turned on for the very first
time. I got in contact and organized coaching with BD and shortly after I had organized a date
and had sex for the first time with another woman who wasn’t my wife. It was incredible. I had
my first FB and it lasted about 2 months.
I’d love to say that things turned out perfectly and we lived happily ever after but things
don’t turn out that way. Despite all the gains we had made, there were still break downs and me
and my wife separated. I want to add though that it had nothing to do with us doing Open.
Having an Open relationship nearly saved our marriage but given the stages we were at in our
lives we each had too much to figure out ourselves for us to be able to stay together. We both
saw that we’d be happier being apart. After our separation we did really well and maintained a
civil relationship and despite the bitterness and anger that developed (as BD says, it’s a natural
response that women seem to have) I was able to ride the angry waves and I now have an
amazing relationship with my 3 sons and that wouldn’t be there if me and my ex hadn’t been able
to work though our stuff as we did.
At the time of my separation, I’d been getting coaching from BD for about 6 months
prior. After I moved out of our house, I had 3 dates lined up in the first 3 weeks. I had sex with 2
new girls in that period. And I was happy. For the first time in about 15 years I was genuinely
honestly happy and confident that I would be able to deal with everything and move forward
One of those girls that I initially went out with turned into an MLTR after about 6 months
and we’re still together now after 3 years. She is well and truly on her way to full OLTR status.
In the last 12 months I also had another MLTR, a gorgeous 25 year old Swedish girl that I
wouldn’t in my wildest dreams have ever imagined I would ever get to have sex with. We started
off as FBs and that developed into an MLTR relationship. I learned how to be Poly and have 2
genuinely loving relationships at the same time. I’ll admit that it wasn’t all plain sailing and that
there were small dramas along the way but there was never anything that ever affected my
overall happiness. At no point did I consider monogamy with either one of my partners. I
genuinely love them both and it would be like being asked to choose between one of your
children. Just not possible and wasn’t going to happen and neither of them ever asked for it
either. I also had 2 FBs in that time as well.
I’m not going to lie and say that all of my insecurities around women are gone. My
Swedish girlfriend is about to move back home to Sweden and there is a fear that when she
moves I could be stuck looking for other girls again for a long while. It is daunting. But unlike
before, I know I can do it. Yes I have a myriad of short comings to deal with. I have my cultural
background, my inexperienced youth and being married through my 20’s but I can either look at
all that and use it as an excuse or admit that I have to do a little bit more work than some other
guys out there. Yes it might be hard, but the happiness I feel now is worth the work. Thank you
BD for seeing me through to where I am now and I look forward to what lies ahead.