Sadly, like Gene Simmons before him, another icon of male sexuality has surrendered to marriage. Perhaps not monogamous marriage, that remains to be seen, but an ostensibly traditional Disney marriage.
A little history on Hef. He married a much younger Playboy Playmate before, Kimberly Conrad back in 1988. However that marriage was a bullshit marriage from the start, and was largely a result of Hef toning back his lifestyle after having a stroke a year or two earlier. Near-death experiences can change a guy, so after his stroke he toned his wild parties way back, handed day-to-day control of his Playboy empire to his daughter, and got married.

-By Caleb Jones

Human beings are human beings, and the need for sexual variety is not something you can just switch off when you feel like it, especially for Alphas, so after very quickly cranking out two babies with his new young wife Tom Cruise style, he started fucking other women again, and eventually booted her ass out, moving her into a house next to the Playboy Mansion. However he did not get a legal divorce, a very interesting move on his part that I’ll revisit in a minute.

The rest of the story is familiar to most people. Hef started an ever-rotating coterie of live-in MLTRs, dating between three and seven women at any one given point in time. The Girls Next Door show was made featuring three of his live-in chicks, Holly Madison (his primary MLTR who always approached, but never quite got to, OLTR status) and Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson (low-end MLTRs).

Throughout this period, Hef never got divorced. Interesting. Many people thought it was because deep down he still “loved” Conrad, but that’s the Disney answer.  Hef is a very intelligent guy and a very strategic thinker. I can only speculate here, but my guess is staying married was somehow easier for him financially and it gave him an easy “out” with other women, specifically Madison, who was constantly pressuring him to kick the other bitches out and marry her. “Hey baby, I love you, but I can’t marry you. I’m still married! I’d get divorced but I can’t because legally that means that the business would have to .”

When asked why he stayed legally married for so long, he mumbled some BS about not hurting his kids, but I am 99% certain that his decision to never get legally divorced from Conrad was a purposeful, calculated decision on his part, both for financial reasons and relationship reasons. It’s also clear to me that, at that time anyway, he never wanted to get married again.

But, alas, as men age things change. Maybe his increased health problems made him think about death. Or something. Regardless, in 2010 his divorce was finalized, and just nine months later he proposed to his latest chick, Crystal Harris. The timing of those two events is not a coincidence…when he wanted to get married, then he got a divorce. It was not the other way around.

Harris left him at the altar, almost literally, last year, and then did a LSNFTE, leaving him to pursue monogamy elsewhere, possibly returning to Dr. Phil’s son. Both Hef and Harris attacked each other publicly, her calling him disgusting and only lasting “two seconds” in bed, him calling her a liar, etc, etc. Not a big deal. He quickly scooped up two new MLTRs (Anna Sophia Berglund and Shera Bechard) and continued as normal.

Somewhere around late last year, Hef and Harris reunited, got engaged around December, and married on New Years Eve, essentially doing a 180 on everything bad they said about each other just a few months earlier. Stupid. (This is why you really need to THINK before you say shit publicly. If you’re not careful, it will come back around to bite you in the ass and make you look really fuckin’ stupid. Hef looks really, really bad for taking this woman back after all the crap she threw at him.)

So why did Hef act so silly? Why did he do all this? I don’t know for sure, but I have educated guesses. Gene Simmons surrendered to marriage because of his hardcore oneitis, the killer of men. I don’t think Hef had, or has, oneitis. My guess is that it’s simply his age. He’s 86, and could die any time, and I think he feels it. Perhaps he wants some level of normalcy in his life now that he’s at death’s door.

Unlike Gene Simmons, I don’t think Hef is going to try monogamy very hard, and I think (again I’m guessing) that little miss 26 year-old wifey understands that once the honeymoon period is over, Hef will be right back to fucking chicks on the side. Despite her shortcomings, Crystal Harris is not the over-33 demanding bitchfest Shannon Tweed is, making Hef’s marriage far less of a surrender than Gene Simmons’ was.

Lastly, I’m going to say what I’ve said many times before. Once a man hits age 60, and perhaps he realizes death is closer, and perhaps his body can’t do what it once did, and perhaps the testosterone isn’t quite as strong, and perhaps the sex drive isn’t what it once was, some of the rules start to change. Do I fault men over age 60 who get married and take a shot at monogamy? Yes and no.

Yes, because it’s still not going to make them happy, since being married to a beyond-NRE-phase bitchy shrew will make a man unhappy at age 65 just like it will at age 25.

No, because let’s be real here, if you get married past age 60, your marriage really might last “the rest of your life”. Not because of your great relationship skills, but because you’re going to die in a few years. It’s simple math. So for that reason I don’t quite have the problem with a man who’s 65 (much less 86) getting married and monogamous than I do with man who’s 20, 30, or 40 trying it. The 65 year-old guy is going to be dead in a few years. Those other guys have decades and decades of prime-time yet to live through and experience.

All of this comes back to this: One of your greatest goals in life, because it certainly is mine, is to be as young, healthy, and physically fit in your old age as humanly possible. When you hit your sixties, you want to look and be as young, fit, and vibrant as guys like Liam Nesson or David Hasselhoff, or better! If you end up old and drained and tired in your sixties, you’ll be more than likely to surrender to monogamy prison with some bossy bitch. We don’t want that, now do we?

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