-By Caleb Jones

Once upon a time, there was a great and noble king, whose heart was darkened when his beautiful wife was taken ill and passed away, leaving only their daughter, Snow White. In time, Snow White grew to become a stunning young woman, with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, hair as black as ebony, and breasts as large as melons.

Eventually, the king remarried, this time to a haughty and beautiful Lady, Queen Esmeralda. Little did the king know that Esmeralda was actually a mighty sorceress, and secretly, in the bowels of the castle, held a magic mirror of great power.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” she asked the mirror one day.

The mirror replied, “Surely you are very hot, but the fairest of them all, sadly you are not. That honor goes to one far more tight, and that would be your stepdaughter, the fair Snow White.”

Esmeralda screamed in fury, vast torrents of dark magic flowing from her. The stone walls melted and the nearby guards fell dead. Esmeralda’s hatred of younger, more fair women was always in her dark heart, and now it exploded forth like a fiery volcano. Once calmed, she made plans to do away with Snow White.

Later that evening, while in the throes of passion with her king, Esmeralda slew him with a poisoned dagger. Using her sorcerous powers, she enchanted the guards, making them believe the foul deed was committed by an assassin from a rival kingdom.

As first act as Queen and sole ruler of the kingdom, she enlisted one of her paramours, the Huntsman, to take Snow White out into the forest and murder her. While eyeing the Queen hungrily, the Huntsman obeyed.

However, once out in the forest, alone with the stunning Snow White, he began to doubt his orders. True, his Queen was beautiful and satisfied his loins like no other woman, but this Snow White was even more fair. Snow White sensed his hesitation, and gleaned his true purpose, and slowly undressed for him.

In moments, the Huntsman and Snow White were doing the funky funky, Snow White bent over a fallen tree. When the Huntsman was spent, he bade Snow White to flee into the forest, and hide there forevermore. He then returned to the Queen, deceiving her and informing her that Snow White was indeed dead.

Lost and frightened, Snow White wandered alone in the great forest, until she came across a small cottage. Entering slowly, she saw no one was within. Happy with something to do, she immediately started cleaning the home, and within a few hours, everything was spotless.

Such is when the owners of the cottage arrived home, the seven dwarfs. Though initially surprised to see Snow White, they were happy to have a professional maid who charged no money for her services. They introduced themselves as Hairy, Scary, Larry, Ugly, Studly, Budly, and Ralph.

“You can stay with us,” said Hairy, “As long as you cook and clean for us.”

“And pop my zits,” snorted Ugly.

“And hold my mirror,” said Studly, flexing his biceps.

“I have new socks on!” said Ralph.

And so it was that Snow White agreed to their terms, and all were happy.

A short time later, Queen Esmeralda was again before her mirror.

“Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” she asked.

The mirror replied, “Like I keep saying, it ain’t you with the goods. That would be Snow White, who hides in the woods.”

“OMG that fucking Huntsman!” cried the Queen, “God I hate men!”

With a fiery fury, she dashed from the dungeon. Soon she had the Huntsman brought before her, and she hurled a bolt of deathly magic at him. The Huntsman was fast, however, and dodged her foul attack. He leaped out the castle window, and using the pennons on the outside walls, dropped safely to the ground and escaped.

Her anger white hot, the Queen killed a few of her guards, calming her ire somewhat. Then using her foul magic, she created an Apple of Sleeping Death. One bite from it would send anyone into an eternal, deathless sleep, only to be awakened by love’s first kiss.

At the cottage, Snow White continued to live a blissful life with her seven dwarfs, cooking and cleaning, and often having dwarf-threesomes with Larry and Studly, much to the chagrin of the other less attractive dwarfs. They found it difficult to sleep while Studly was screaming loudly during the lovemaking, constantly yelling “Hi hoooooooooooooooo!”

One day, with all seven dwarfs away at the mine, an old crone came knocking. Snow White answered, and befriended the old woman, who convinced her to take a bite of a shiny apple. Only too late did Snow White realize it was indeed the Queen, and as the Queen laughed her victory, Snow White fell into an eternal sleep.

Just then the dwarfs arrived, and a titanic battle ensued between the the Queen and her dark magic and the dwarfs, armed with their axes and hammers. Spurred by their anger at the removal of their free housekeeper and blowjob-provider, the dwarfs prevailed, the battle culminating with Hairy decapitating the Queen with his axe (with Scary subsequently wearing the Queen’s head as a hat).

Tearful and sad, the seven dwarfs interred Snow White within a glass coffin at the edge of the forest. As they paid their respects, Prince Poindexter arrived, passing through the forest on his pristine white horse, on an errand for his father, a king in a neighboring kingdom.

Looking upon the sleeping Snow White, the Prince instantly was struck with oneitis, um, I mean, love. Approaching her and removing the top of the coffin, he pronounced, “I shall give this angel, love’s first kiss.”

The dwarfs watched expectantly as the Prince kissed Snow White lightly on the lips. And nothing happened. As the confused Prince looked quizzically down at Snow White, the Huntsman emerged from the brush of the forest.

“The fuck out of my way, candy ass,” he snarled, and shoved the Prince aside, who fell into mud puddle and started crying.

The Huntsman picked up Snow White’s sleeping body, grabbed her little face, and said, “Time to wake up, bitch,” and made out with her with full tongue. Instantly Snow White’s eyes shot open, her arms snaking around the Huntsman’s neck, and the two of them did the funky funky right there in the glass coffin, to the cheers of the happy dwarfs.

The dwarfs promptly enslaved the Prince, forcing him to wear an apron and serve as their new housekeeper. Snow White and the Huntsman were married, and lived happily ever after…

…until a two years later when Snow White found the Huntsman having an affair with two woodland elf maidens. She was furious, but eventually the Huntsman made her see reason, and Snow White, the Huntsman, and the two elf maidens lived happily ever after…

…until Snow White gave the Huntsman too much drama, to which the Huntsman responded by kicking her out of their house, and Snow White lived the rest of her days with her dwarfs and their now gay Prince housekeeper.

The End.

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