Buzzfeed recently released a video called “36 Questions Women Have For Men” that caused quite a stir. The more women understand men, the more I get laid, so I’m only too happy to help these gals out. As always, I’m here to do my part to further female education.

-By Caleb Jones

1. How does it feel to be the same sex as Donald Trump?

It feels awesome. Being a man is so much easier than being in a woman, in just about every way. The crap you guys have to deal with is insane.

2. Why do you hate rom coms?

1. They all have boring characters.

2. They all tell the same story with the same characters.

3. The female leads always have small boobs and are too skinny.

4. They never have any violence or explosions.

3. Why do you make women sit around and talk about men in movies when you all will easily sit around and talk about boobs for hours?

1. Because women talking about men is what female viewers like to watch.

2. Men don’t talk about boobs for hours. We just make one or two comments about it, chuckle, and get back to work. It’s you women who talk about things like boobs for hours.

4. Why do you automatically assume that you won’t like TV shows or movies that star a female lead?

See the answer to question number 2.

5. Why are you surprised when women are funny?

Because women usually aren’t as funny as men. By the way, most women agree with this.

6. Why do you think we’re obsessed with you when we hook up?

Ah, you’re talking about men who keep bugging you after you have sex the first time. Those men are called “beta males” who get oneitis very fast. Sometimes another type of man does this, called “Alpha Male 1.0” who assume they own you once they have sex with you. I’m what’s called an “Alpha Male 2.0,” which means the day after I hook up with you I’m either busy working on my Mission or I’m hooking up with another woman who is younger and hotter than you. Therefore, I won’t be bothering you at all, beyond maybe a single text a few days later.

7. Why can’t I sleep with as many people as I want without being judged? When men do it, they’re congratulated.

This is not the 1980s anymore, so men are not congratulated when they do this. They’re called immature, shallow, pigs, misogynists, players (with a negative connotation, not a positive one), and even rapists.

8. Why do you consider a woman a tease if she doesn’t sleep with you after three dates, but a slut if she sleeps with you on the first date?

I’m the opposite of a slut-shamer, so I don’t think she’s a slut if she sleeps with me on the first date. Instead I think she’s wonderful and she instantly becomes a candidate for a long-term (though nonmonogamous) relationship. I wish more women were like her, particularly those over age 33.

A woman who still doesn’t want to sleep with me past the third date (and we’re speaking hypothetically here, since I would never take a woman out on a fourth date if some sexual activity had not occurred by then), is not a tease. Rather, she is an abuser and a time waster. Just imagine if the roles were reversed and see how you’d feel. A guy says to a girl, “Take me out on four dates and by me dinner and drinks, and if I still like you by then maybe I’ll buy you something.”

9. In what world does no mean yes?

In sexual scenarios, a hard no from a woman does indeed mean no. But coy or casual no from a woman  means “keep nicely trying several more times and then I’ll say yes.” You’re mashing together the hard no’s with the casual/coy no’s, and you know damn well those are two different things. You cause all kinds of problems by doing this. I explain this in detail here.
10. Why do you say women are too emotional to be leaders then justify catcalling by saying that men can’t control themselves?

We’re not the ones saying women shouldn’t be leaders. You women are.

11. Why do you think that just because you’re nice to me, I owe you my body?

Why do you think that just because you have sex with me, I owe you my wallet?

12. Why would you ever send an unsolicited dick pic?

I’ve never done this because I’m rational, but other men do it because of something called gender myopia. I describe it here. You women do the exact same then when you brag about how strong or sassy or educated you are in your online dating profiles. It’s just as stupid as when guys send dick pics (and just as effective at attracting members of the opposite sex).

13. Why do you think its okay to harass women or make offensive comments about women, but when someone does it to your sister it’s not okay?

That depends on whether or not my sister deserves it. If she’s being a dumbass, maybe she does. I would say the same thing about my own daughter or my mother, because I would say the same thing about my brothers or my dad. In other words, if someone is being taken down a peg verbally, I don’t look at their gender; I look at their words and actions.

14. How does it feel to interrupt me when I’m making a point during a meeting?

It feels great because you were getting off topic and I need to wrap this meeting up so I can get back to work.

15. Why do you have to sit with your legs so wide open?

Why does it bother you so much to see men sit comfortably? Don’t you have anything more important to concern yourself with? If the position in which men sit is this disturbing to you, you have some very serious life problems and probably need to seek professional help.

16. Why are women perceived as the “weaker sex” even though we literally give birth to you?

It’s not perception, it’s reality. Women are physically weaker than men on average. It’s called biology.

17. Why is it so bad to show your emotions?

It’s not whether you show your emotions, it’s when you show your emotions. I do it when its appropriate. You do it when it’s not.

18. Why are you always trying to prove your masculinity to me?

Why is my masculinity so threatening to you? Years ago you women used to like masculine men. Now masculinity bothers you. What changed?

19. Why the fuck isn’t it ladylike to cuss?

I love it when women scream “Fuck me!” That’s very ladylike in my book. Again, it’s about when you do it. Time and place, Kitten.

20. When did words get genders?

Circa early 1st century BC, when Latin first evolved. It’s called grammatical gender.

21. Why is it your first instinct to doubt women who have been sexually violated or raped?

It’s not my first instinct to doubt, but it’s also not my first instinct to believe. Based on our justice system, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty, or at least are supposed to. ‘Proven’ means there’s proof involved, not just an accusation. If I publicly accused you of sexually molesting a small child, would you want everyone to automatically assume I was right?

22. Why do you assume a woman is angry because she’s on her period?

Why do you deny it when you are?

23. Why do you think women who wear makeup are false advertising?

Sweetie, you need makeup. Keep that shit on!

24. Why isn’t it weird that there’s a bunch of old white men sitting in a room making legislation about what I can and can’t do with my body?

Because you elected those old white men despite people like me telling you not to for at least 25 years. These men are called “Democrats” and “Republicans,” and both of these types of men pass utterly ridiculous laws all the time regarding your body (and mine!), yet every time an election comes around you keep voting for these bastards. Therefore, I’m not sure why you’re complaining. Last time I checked, Bernie Sanders is an old white man, and many of you women are having orgasms trying to get this guy elected.

And by the way, why are you bringing “white” up in the question? What does race have to do with this? If it was a bunch old Asian men or old Mexican men sitting a room making laws about your body, would that make you feel better? What’s with the hate on whites, you racist?
25. Why are straight guys so obsessed with lesbians?

They give good sex advice. They know your pussy better than you do.

26. How does it feel to get kicked in the balls?

As soon as it happens it’s not too bad. But about three seconds later, it feels sort of like someone is slowly pressing a white hot spoon into your crotch. I don’t recommend it.

27. Do you ever get tired of trying to be manly all the time?

Again I ask, why are you so threatened by my masculinity? You women just can’t handle a Strong, Intelligent, Independent Man™.

28. Why are you so afraid of gender equality?

It’s not the equality I’m afraid of, it’s the corrupt, incompetent, authoritarian government putting a gun to my head enforcing whatever the those old white men you elected call ‘equality.’

29. Why do I deserve to be paid less than you?

Because:

1. I work longer hours than you on average.

2. I work more years of my life than you on average.

3. I do more dangerous work than you on average.

4. I choose higher paying industries, jobs, and fields than you on average.

5. I take less sick days than you on average.

6. When I have a child I don’t take a “break” in my career like you often do.

30. In what world does 77 cents equal a dollar?

It doesn’t, but if you choose the same exact fields as me, the same exact jobs as me, work the exact same long hours, days, and years as me, then you make pretty much what I make. So whenever you want to work in the coal mines for 40 years straight without taking a break to have kids, you let me know.

31. In what world does 68 cents equal a dollar?

As above.

32. How is that fair?

Because no one should ever pay you the same to do less work than me just because you’re a girl. That would be sexism. And that’s bad, right? Or is sexism okay when it benefits you and not me?

33. Why are you intimidated by a woman who makes more money than you?

I think that’s great as long as that woman doesn’t expect me to pay for dates. If she makes more money than me, why can’t she pay? Hmmmmm?

34. Why are opinionated women seen as bitches, when opinionated men are seen as bosses?

You keep forgetting this is not the 1980s anymore. Opinionated men are not seen as bosses, they’re seen as assholes. I happen to be one of these men, and trust me, I’ve been called “asshole” way more often than I’ve been called “boss.”

35. Why aren’t you speaking up when you hear your male friends behind closed doors make jokes that are offensive to women?

How can something be offensive to you if you never hear it? Anyway, one blonde says to the other, “I’ve slept with a Brazilian.” The other blonde says, “OMG! How many is that?”

36. Why are you so afraid of recognizing your own privilege?

Oh, my love, you’re talking to the wrong guy. I fucking love my privilege and think it’s great. I’m a high-income, white, American, heterosexual man. I wield my “privilege” like you wouldn’t imagine to get what I want, just like you wield your cleavage and eyelashes to get what you want. Hell, if you added “Christian” and “old” to my status, I’d pretty much rule the Earth. I can’t wait to be an old white man so you can vote for me and I can make laws about your body. See you in a few decades!

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