10 Apr You Have Two Cows… (Updated)
Reading Time – 7 minutes
One of my most popular old blog posts was “You Have Two Cows…”
It is a riff on the two-cow “-ism” analogies. You know, the ones that go, “Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Communism: The government seizes both cows and gives you a little milk. Capitalism: You sell one cow and buy a bull.”
I gave Alpha 2.0 relationships (and other types of relationships) and celebrity versions of the two-cow analogies.
Today I’m going to repeat the ones I first wrote in 2013 and then give you a bunch new 2025 versions. Should be fun.
(And by the way, although I use feminine pronouns, many of these examples are not necessarily gender-specific; women can have “cows” too.)
First, here are the old ones:
Monogamy – You have one cow. She shits all over your house, but you rationalize that it’s somehow worth it.
Serial Monogamy – You have one cow. Her milk is great, and you enjoy it until she gets bored with you and leaves. Then you get depressed and cry. Then you get a new cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.
Marriage – You have one cow. She screams at you constantly and has you feed her grass for many years while shitting all over your house. One day she leaves and takes the house with her.
Cheating – You have one cow. You drink the milk of another cow. The first cow finds out, threatens to leave you, and shits all over your house. You beg and plead with her and promise you won’t do it again. You’re lying, but eventually she buys it. Rinse and repeat. Forever.
Fuck Buddy (FB) – You have several cows. They all provide you free milk. The rest of the time they’re out in the pasture doing whatever, and you don’t give a shit.
MLTR – You have two or three cows. They all provide you with free milk. One of them also cleans your house. Another one buys you dinners. Another one brings you more cows. You look at all the other farmers who just have one cow and are bewildered as to why they would do such a thing.
OLTR – You have many cows that you keep out in the pasture but you have one special cow that is allowed in your house.
Swinging – You have one cow. Occasionally you meet up with other cow owners to sample their cows’ milk, and you let them sample yours. Most of their cows’ milk tastes pretty bad, but you don’t care.
Polygamy – You have three, four, or five cows. You keep them all huddled together inside an electrified fence. You spend the rest of your life arguing with all of them, patrolling the fence, and shooting them when they try to escape, which is often.
Polyamory – You have several cows, but all your cows have several other owners in addition to you. You milk your cows, and their owners, and they milk you. It all gets quite confusing.
Now here are the old celebrity versions. Remember, these were written in 2013, so read them in that context:
Hugh Hefner – You always have exactly three cows. All three live in your house. You rotate cows in and out as needed.
Tom Cruise, Donald Trump, and a few others – You have one very young, very pretty cow. As soon as she has two babies and gets a few wrinkles, you get really mad at her and she shits all over your house. After much chaos, you sell her to the butcher and replace her with another young cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.
Charlie Sheen – You’re a tiger. You have many cows. You milk them all when not getting drunk or snorting cocaine, which is often. You also beat them up. Occasionally you have just one cow, but that doesn’t last long, since you beat her up too. You consider it all a win and tell everyone all about it.
Eddie Murphy –You have many cows. All of them end up having calves and they all belong to you.
Larry King – You have eight different cows, but one at a time, all of whom have been shitting in your house for decades. You’re very, very tired.
Alec Baldwin – You have one cow. You have a huge argument with her and she shits all over your house. Eventually she leaves, but you spend the rest of your life fighting her anyway.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – You have one cow. You also have another cow, but it’s so ugly you keep it hidden in the closet. One day it has a calf, and the first cow finds out. She shits all over your house, leaves you, and takes the house. However you’re such a badass she can’t resist you and comes back.
Hulk Hogan – You have one cow. She leaves you and takes your house. Then she puts a restraining order on you so you can’t visit your house. Then she starts getting milked by a guy half your age. In your house.
Doug Hutchison – You have one cow. It’s a calf. Everyone hates you. You don’t care.
Bill Clinton – You have one old, very angry cow. You also have many other cows, but you keep them hidden in the forest. She knows about your other cows, but pretends not to because she needs your farm for her own nefarious purposes.
Tiger Woods – Exactly like Bill Clinton, except one day all of your hidden cows revolt and stampede all over your farm. When the dust settles, your main cow beats the shit out of you with a golf club. Then she leaves and takes the house. You apologize to everyone. You don’t mean a word of it.
Now here are the new 2025 ones:
Cuckold – You have one cow. It never lets you drink its milk. Instead, it’s constantly getting milked by a bunch of muscular black men. You think it’s for the best.
PDM – You have three farms, all located far away from each other, in which you have one cow each, plus one or two more in the pasture. You regularly rotate between all three farms and have a great time in each one. Other farmers want the same setup but you tell them it’s a bad idea.
OnlyFans – You have no cows, but you pay for them anyway.
Sugar Daddy – You have several cows. All of them have fantastic quality milk, but they all have an ATM attached to their udders requiring cash deposits every time you milk them.
Gen Z – You have no cows. It never occurred to you to get any cows because you’re too busy playing video games and watching TikTok. You never get any milk and are forced to live off water instead, thus suffering all kinds of hormonal, mineral, and vitamin deficiencies.
Incel – You have no cows because you think cows are scary and hate humans. You secretly wait for the day when you can murder or overthrow all the other farmers who own cows.
Feminist – You’re a cow.
Red Pill – Sometimes you have a cow or two, and sometimes you don’t. When you do have some cows, you’re always hyper-mistrusting of them and often lecture them on how they mishandle hypergamy and other gender dynamics.
Black Pill and MGTOW – You have no cows because you think cows are assholes, and you’re not going to “play their game.” You also think all the other farmers are total idiots because they’re secretly controlled by their cows.
Russian Girl – You’re a prize cow. You live in your owner’s house on your own bed made of silk and gold. You constantly shit all over your owner’s house, kick him in the balls, loudly bleat at him, demand more grass to eat even though you already have more than you could ever consume, and tear chunks out of his skin every time he even glances at another cow. Your owner thinks it’s a pretty good deal.
Here are some new celebrity ones:
Donald Trump (Updated) – You have one cow. You used to have lots of other cows but now you’re stuck with just one because too many of the other farmers are watching your every move. Your one remaining cow hates you. She lives in a different house, only sees you a few times a year when she has to, never gives you her milk, and lives for the day that her calf replaces you.
Destiny – You have one cow. She regularly gets milked by many other farmers and you think that’s great. You are also getting milked by the other farmers. Eventually your cow shits all over your house, leaves you, and moves in with another farmer. You spend the rest of your life being defensive about the whole thing.
Andrew Tate – You have an entire herd of cows, all of whom live in your house. They constantly shit all over your house, tear up your furniture, and cause all kinds of problems. You do your best to rule the herd with an iron fist, constantly screaming at them to obey you and getting them to scam the other farmers by promising them their milk but never providing it. A few of the cows eventually leave your house and badmouth you to the other enraged farmers who throw you in jail. You lose your entire farm, all of your other cows, grow a beard, and convert to Islam. You spend the rest of your life screaming at everyone that you never did anything wrong and are completely baffled as to why anyone would think such a thing.
Barack Obama – You have one cow. It’s a bull. The bull hates you. You secretly start milking one of the prize cows instead.
Dylan Mulvaney – You’re a bull. You cut off your horns, pretend to be a cow, and tell all of the other bulls and cows how great it is to be a cow. All the other cows and bulls view you with complete confusion. No farmer will go anywhere near you, which you think is bullshit.
Elon Musk – You have many cows, all of which are on other people’s farms. Most of these cows have calves, all of which belong to you. Your cows keep having more of your calves all the time, and you don’t care. You want nothing to do with these cows or calves, so even though you own the biggest farm in the world, you live alone with no cows.
Scott Adams – You have one cow. You argue with it and it shits all over your house. After much chaos, you get rid of it, then spend years of your life telling people that it’s completely insane and stupid to ever have a cow live with you in your house. Then you have another cow live with you in your house. Then, to your shock, you argue with it and it shits all over your house. Again. After much chaos, you get rid of it. Again. You quickly distract everyone by telling everybody that Trump is a genius.
Jordan Peterson – You have one cow. You tell all the other farmers that every farmer should be given one cow and that society should force the farmers to stay with that one cow forever. You’re constantly angry that this isn’t the case.
Will Smith – You have a bunch of cows in the pasture but one bald, angry, authoritarian cow that lives in your house and micromanages your entire life. The cow regularly gets milked by some of the younger bulls and other farmers. The cow forces you to discuss that with her on her podcast. You lose your mind and beat the shit out of one of the other farmers who has nothing to do with any of this.
Chris Rock – You have one cow. You spend 20 years telling everyone how great it is to have just one cow. Then the cow shits all over your house, leaves you, and takes the house. You then tell everyone how horrible it was having just one cow. Then Will Smith shows up at your farm one day and beats the shit out of you.
Leave your comment below, but be sure to follow the Five Simple Rules.
Steve
Posted at 11:10 am, 10th April 2025I think your view of serial monogamy is limited because you assume the women would routinely be the one who breaks up with you, and that you’d be depressed about it every time. But if you live a serial monogamous life by choice, because you know that long-term monogamy doesn’t work and because you WANT a variety of partners over the course of years, then it’s not a huge surprise when a relationship ends, and you may even be the one who ends it as often as the woman. Personally I’ve been testing this model out, and in my current case I can say it’s a 99% chance I’ll be the one who ends this relationship (because I’m the one who would see a positive aspect of being single again, as someone who enjoys dating new people), she knows my foot is halfway out the door for this reason, and it’s kinda like a form of leverage that I hold in the relationship, because she knows I’m not bought-in longg term, and even if she did dump me first for some reason, of course I’d miss her but I’d also simultaneously gain the upside of being single again, so I don’t foresee myself getting too depressed about it—or at least not any worse than you would when losing an OLTR, probably not even as bad as an OLTR breakup because mentally I never attached myself to the idea of being with her super long term, I’m planning for 6 months to 3 years. Anyway, I’m not saying serial monogamy is the best setup, it’s still monogamy so it’s a big sacrifice in terms of immediate freedom. But your explanation of getting repeatedly depressed when the girls dump you is not a realistic a con for me, and I think that assumption has kept you closed-minded to acknowledging that it could actually be a decent setup for some guys. Personally I think I will go back to non-monogamy after this relationship, but it’s been worth trying out, and I could see this model working well for some people, possibly for myself when I’m older and have less desire for frequent novelty.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 02:53 pm, 10th April 2025Yes, statistically accurate most of the time. And I’ve shown the stats.
Yes, statistically accurate most of the time. And again, I’ve shown the stats.
Nonsensical statement. If you want a variety of partners you should be non-monogamous, not monogamous.
YOU might as an individual, but the vast majority of the time this is not the case.
The rest of your comment is essentially listing how you are as an individual, which is great, but you need to understand that you are highly unusual and statistically rare.
And as I always say, here at this blog I’m speaking to a wide audience, not just you.
Jack Outside the Box
Posted at 04:23 am, 12th April 2025If you want a variety of partners, why are you chaining your dick to just one?
Then why don’t you date new people now without the monogamous absurdity?
Why would you sacrifice your sex life for a woman whom you don’t even seem to care about that much? I’ve cheated on monogamous girlfriends in the past and present despite being deeply in love with them because I was horny. But you are handicapping your sex life to just one girlfriend despite describing yourself as being “half way out the door.” Um…..okay.
You can be in a relationship AND single at the same time. It’s called being in an open relationship or being in a monogamous relationship and cheating. I can understand both, and I endorse both. It’s only you that I can’t understand.
Sex is sex, dude! It’s no big deal. Some people can’t handle that fact, which is why you may have to pretend to be monogamous with a weaker person and be discreet concerning your extracurricular activities. Or you can find a strong and high sex drive woman for the purposes of a mutual open relationship. But either way, you’re getting your needs met. If I can be in open relationships or cheat on monogamous girlfriends whom I’m in love with, then surely you can cheat on a girl whom you’re halfway out the door with. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time and making your dick suffer. And for what?
But at least my sex life won’t be interrupted if an OLTR or a monogamous girlfriend whom I’m cheating on breaks up with me. Yours will. Or if she withholds sex from you because she’s pissed for whatever reason, you will have to go without sex. Is that wise? You need to diversify your assets. Never put all your sperm in one basket. You can be open or discreet, but you should have a minimum of three women who you’re sleeping with on rotation at all times. Two is too close to one, and one is too close to none.
Big sacrifice for a woman whom you are half way out the door with. Don’t get it.
I’m in a monogamous relationship myself right now (have been for seven months now), BUT I’M CHEATING SO IT’S OKAY! Discreet poly or open poly. Either way, it’s all good. But sacrificing my sex life for one woman? Based on how you describe yours, I care about mine more than you do about yours, and I’m way more invested in her than you are in yours. And yet, I’m cheating. But you won’t even cheat on yours? Mind blown!
Well, that’s good. But you should still fuck at least three on the regular, so no one can blackmail you by withholding sex. That’s the real power!
How is doing the same person over and over again AND NO ONE ELSE a decent setup?
Good, but you don’t have to wait until this relationship is over. Remember, no one gets caught, unless, deep down, they want to. (credit: Gonzalo Lira).
It’s been worth it to have one woman be your only source of sex so you better not piss her off? I beg to differ.
Low sex drive feminine individuals.
Then do it then. But don’t waste your time with it now. You only have one life. Take full advantage of it.
And no, that doesn’t mean you should break up with her. Not at all. Just diversify your sexual portfolio. Discreetly or openly. Whatever works for you.
JJ
Posted at 06:54 am, 12th April 2025Ok I will add two more
Sex 3.0 Unfenced – You have as many cows want. There is always at least one though and she knows that you can have as many other cows as you want and you don’t need her permission. She never shits in your house because she knows you will just spend time with your other cows if she did that.
Sex 3.0 Fenced – You have one cow. She has one bull. You both know that if this arrangement does not work then at any time you can have a conversation about becoming unfenced instead so there is never any reason for arguments or shitting over the house.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:41 am, 12th April 2025That’s an OLTR or high-end MLTR.
That’s monogamy.
John Smith
Posted at 11:17 am, 12th April 2025I thought the capitalist version was to sell one cow and expect the remaining cow to produce the same amount of milk as two. This way the investors get a dividend, the CEO gets a bonus from increasing profitability by decreasing cow wages, while the remaining cow gets a ham at Christmas as a show of appreciation for its dedication and hard work.
Steve
Posted at 02:48 am, 13th April 2025Reply to Jack Outside the Box:
I would like to understand your beliefs and values more, but I don’t think I agree with them all.
Similar to Caleb, you seem to value having consistent sex at all times (from multiple sex partners) very highly. I value those things, as well, but I think not as highly as you guys value and prioritize them. For me, occasionally going ~1 week without sex is not a huge problem, so it’s not a high priority of mine to ensure I always always avoid situations like that. In the event of breakups, I can find new sex partners pretty quickly, so there is no realistic risk of a multi-month dry spell or anything prolonged like that.
You claim to have deep love and care for girls who you cheat on. However, you refer to them as “weaker people” because of their beliefs and values about monogamy, and you lie/cheat on them. Therefore, you don’t seem to value honesty in and of itself, or at least you don’t seem to believe that being good to someone requires you to be honest with them. This seems to be a difference in our beliefs or values.
I believe honesty is something you would give to people you really care about, so they can make their own decisions about what they want to do, based on full accurate information. By falsely leading girls to believe that you are monogamous with them, they are operating on incomplete information, intentionally withheld information, and they may end up wasting their time in a relationship that is different from what they believe it is, with a person who is different from what they believe. If you told them everything, then they could decide for themselves whether they want what you honestly have to offer.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:45 am, 13th April 2025I have never said that going without sex for ~1 week is a problem for men and that is not my belief, so I have no idea where you got that.
I have said hundreds of times that every man has a different level of sexual frequency they need (twice a week, once a week, twice a month, once a month, more, or less, etc) and that every man needs to know what this number is and ensure he gets it regularly.
Not all men need sex every week and I’ve said that many times as well. (I’ve said that I need it that often, but I’ve never said or even implied that men at large need it that often.)
Jack Outside the Box
Posted at 05:54 am, 13th April 2025You have made that obvious.
Then you and I are very different.
But it’s not just about being celibate if your girlfriend breaks up with you. The real problem with monogamy is being celibate despite your girlfriend NOT breaking up with you. You giving her an exclusive undisputed monopoly over your penis leaves you vulnerable to her raising the price to psychotic proportions or cutting you off altogether without you possessing any type of remedy.
Competition creates incentive to treat each other well and not take one another for granted. Monopolies literally kill competition, as they allow one person to corner the market. You allowing this is not smart. Even if she showers you with sex everyday, you are, nevertheless, at her mercy. You don’t think she’s cognizant of that power? Do you think that power makes her more or less attracted to you?
You fuck yourself over by refusing to diversify. Redundancy is important and monopolies are the domain of tyrants. This goes both ways, by the way. Do you really want to be her only source of sex? I certainly don’t want that responsibility. It leads to her neediness and clinginess, and that’s not good either because it could potentially lead to her becoming neurotic, as many girlfriends tend to become given enough time.
I fail to see the contradiction. I don’t just love the strong. Sometimes, I also take pity on the weak, and may even develop a serious and abiding love for the weak, or at least those who are weaker within reason. Certainly not pathetically weak.
Once again, I fail to detect the contradiction. The strong do what they must, even if those who are weaker wouldn’t understand.
I don’t make idols out of tools. Honesty is a tool. Honesty has to have a reference point in order for me to tell you whether or not I value it. As an individualist, I don’t believe in blankets regardless of situations. If you love your mother, are you going to tell her that she looks fat and hideous in that dress, or are you going to spare her feelings precisely BECAUSE you love her, and not despite your love?
Sometimes, love precisely requires that we lie, whereas hating someone will compel us to tell them the truth. Other times, the opposite is the case. Again, the only relevant question is, what type of situation are you talking about? Loving someone means caring for their well being and happiness. If I have to tell the truth in order to secure the well being and happiness of someone I love, then I will. If I have to lie in order to secure the well being and happiness of someone I love, then I also will.
People lie to those they love everyday IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEM! In such situations, telling them the truth would only confirm for me that you hate these people.
Honesty is very important to me, but, unlike you, I don’t make it a religion or see it as an absolute, irrespective of practicalities.
Agreed. But there is one more difference. You seem to also prefer monogamy (at least at this point) above honest polyamory. Even if I were to idolize honesty like you do, I would still be polyamorous in an honest open relationship, while you are still monogamous.
Sometimes, honesty can get the people you love killed. Just saying. The only thing you should give to people you really care about is happiness and well being. Whether you give that to them through honesty or deception is irrelevant. Choose whichever one works to secure their happiness and well being most efficiently, given the situation.
And if this strategy will result in them leaving you when you know how insanely happy you’d make them if they stayed? In such a scenario, telling them the truth strikes me as rather cruel, both to them and to you.
How are they wasting their time? I am monogamous as far as they are concerned. There is no difference whatsoever in their mind. So what is the practical difference from their point of view? The only one I can see is if I get caught, which I won’t.
I give my current girlfriend way more happiness than I would if I were to become REALLY monogamous. If I were monogamous, I’d become a needy and unattractive beta, not to mention cranky all the time as a result of her being my only source of sex. My attractive alpha status in her eyes comes from my cheating and sexual abundance. She loves how happy I am all the time, and she is very attracted to my confidence and style, as I show zero fear of her withholding sex from me, which paradoxically makes it less likely that she will withhold it.
Cheating can strengthen a relationship immeasurably. It avoids stress, fights, and other unpleasant things. My current girlfriend tells me that this is the most drama free relationship she has ever had, even though I’ll never tell her the reason why.
She would decide no, and then she’d go be with a guy who stresses her out and make her way less happy than I would. If the result of her decision making is her misery, why would you want someone you love to be miserable if you really do love them?
Did you know that many women actually WANT you to lie to them? I’ve spoken with so many women about this (both ones I’ve slept with and ones I haven’t). About 85% of them tell me the same thing – If their boyfriend were to sleep with another woman, they would prefer not to know about it. The words “I better never find out” were their most common words on this matter. They also told me that if any guy were to honestly propose an open relationship, they would spit in his face and leave him in disgust, thus decreasing their own happiness as a result of not being with him!
This is just how this game is played! Most women consider blunt honesty to be autistic and not attractive.
I currently have two fuck buddies in addition to my girlfriend (one regular and one occasional, as in I sleep with her about twice a year).
1. The occasional one is married, and I once asked her about open relationships. She said that she would NEVER do that, and would never be with anyone who proposed such a thing. Then I asked her about her husband cheating, and she gave me that famous line – “I better never find out.” She also said that she would have never started sleeping with me if I were single, or in an open relationship, because, in order to trust me to never contact her husband, she needs to know that I have something to lose as well. Me cheating on my girlfriend, in other words, made her feel better and allowed her to start having sex with me.
2. The regular one has a boyfriend and I asked her the same question. She said that if her boyfriend were to propose an open relationship, she’d dump him on the spot, or never get into a relationship with him in the first place. When I asked her about her cheating, she said that sex is too good, but she just doesn’t want her boyfriend doing it. I asked her if she loves him, and she said, very much, which is why she’s obsessed with not getting caught.
3. My current girlfriend thinks that open/poly is for, in her words, “degenerate losers” and would never get involved with someone who disagrees (she doesn’t know my history). When I asked her about cheating (this conversation took place before she became my girlfriend), she said that anyone who gets caught deserves to be shunned from polite society! Note, she didn’t say anyone who cheats. She said, anyone who gets caught.
Conclusion: You’re denying yourself some incredible sex, some incredible women, and some incredible love by thinking the way you do.
Ever heard the expression, “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission?” Many women EXPECT you to lie to them and get mad at you if you were to tell them the truth. They think honesty in that case would be disrespectful, because now they would have to break up with you (even if they don’t want to) in order to save face. This is especially true with Hispanic or Latina women (my current girlfriend is Mexican).
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE honest open relationships. As Caleb well knows, my last girlfriend (prior to this one) was a Wiccan who was openly polyamorous before I even met her, and her and I were in an open relationship, and even had group sex with all of her friends. It was great. But not everyone is psychologically constituted for that type of lifestyle. Others prefer discretion. You call it lying, they call it “being classy about it.”
I’m not going to deny myself or my current girlfriend happiness just because she’s one of those who can’t handle being open/poly. In Latin culture especially, they expect you to cheat, and would strangely have less respect for you if you didn’t (as long as you are smart enough to not get caught, because if you do, you deserve to pay for your clumsiness). This is just how the game is played.
Will I ever be in an honest open relationship again? Probably. But right now, discreet poly suits me just fine. By the way, when I said that people who can’t handle honest poly are weaker, I meant that their egos are too fragile to handle their partner doing it. But that does NOT mean that they aren’t cheating themselves!
Is my current hot blooded Latina girlfriend cheating on me? Not that I know of. But I know enough about her to say this: If she did, she would consider it extremely disrespectful to me to allow herself to get caught, and, because she loves me (not despite), she would take great care to ensure that I never find out. That’s how the game is played. And if I ever do find out, I’d look the other way (as long as it’s just sex), and make sure she would never know that I know, as long as she clearly still loves and adores me! 🙂
Jo
Posted at 10:36 pm, 13th April 2025Jack Outside the Box –
What happened to your pagan orgy girlfriend? What’s the point of even being in a relationship if you are outright lying to your partner? Either open the relationship up or break up with her if you feel so strongly about constantly fucking multiple women – doesn’t it bother your conscience you are lying to a person who you “deeply love”?