A while back, I analyzed a fascinating and depressing online dating profile written by an extremely angry over-33 woman on OKCupid. The post is right here. In the interest of fairness (and the education of men) I am now going to analyze the male version of this insanity.

-By Caleb Jones

Right here you’ll find an email written by a hardcore Needy Alpha named “Mike” to some chick (“Laura”) he went on a first date with and never heard from again. The email has become somewhat famous online and you may have seen it before. The entire email is humorous and depressing at the same time, and it’s a perfect portrait of a Needy Alpha gone wild.

Let me break down the key parts and explain the inner workings behind its amazing badness, so you can avoid this kind of crap yourself in the future. This will be especially helpful to you if you’re a more Needy Alpha type of guy, because many of “Mike’s” gut-urges for drama and anger you will likely have as well.

Hi Lauren,
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

Right off the bat, we have complete and total Needy Alpha. Emphasis on the needy part. A true Alpha wouldn’t give a shit if she had ignored his messages. He would have just shrugged and fucked someone else, not written a whiny novel-length email to her telling her he’s mad.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email.

Therefore Laura, I’m going to write you this really long angry needy email. Great.

By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

This is not only creepy stalker shit, it’s 100% guaranteed to freak Laura out. As an Alpha, this guy doesn’t care, but as a Needy Alpha, his need to “set her straight” and “make himself heard” overwhelms his common sense.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

More oozing of hardcore Needy Alpha. He’s pissed, so now she needs to follow his orders.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

He then goes on to list a bunch of body language cues she gave him. This is called over-verbalization, something I’ve talked about before.

Remember what Brad Pitt said in Fight Club: The first rule about fight club is you do not talk about fight club. Don’t tell a woman you’re trying to fuck exactly how you’re trying to fuck her. Does that sound like a smart move to you?

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day

The second biggest complaint women give about men on a first date is that they try to get “too serious” on the first date, and this is especially true of men over age 40. Based on the information in this email, “Mike” is probably 40, or at least in his late 30’s, so this matches.

SHUT UP about whatever “serious” intentions you have for a woman. You shouldn’t be bringing those things up until after months of having sex with her, even if you’re monogamous.

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again.

Needy needy needy needy. See why I call them NEEDY Alphas? They’re tough, strong, masculine, badass…and NEEDY.

I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date.

Extremely insecure fragile-ego shit. This reminds me of the bodybuilder with huge muscles and a tiny dick he’s constantly worried about and trying to make up for in other ways.
Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so.

More insecurity. More proving that he’s cool. He’s like a tiny third grader trying to pump himself up in front of a bunch of sixth graders.

Would a true outcome independent Alpha try to justify his job to a woman like this? Would he even care about what she thought about it one way or the other? Would it even occur to him to care?

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

Another aspect of Needy Alphas is their complete lacking of self-awareness. Even beta males often exercise a measure of self-awareness, but Needy Alphas are usually the least self-aware of the three types of men. Notice here how he doesn’t even see the childlike irony of his statements.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens.

Delusional too. For example, when betas get married, they’ll actually admit they’ll likely get divorced down the road, have have a bunch of drama, or end up unhappy, or whatever. However when a Needy Alpha gets married, he’ll paint a big “S” on his chest and declare That Won’t Happen To Me™ because I’m A Badass™ and I Know What I’m Doing™.

If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do.

Another trait of the Needy Alpha is the almost overwhelming desire to be acknowledged. Needy Alphas must constantly be acknowledged and appreciated, publicly if possible. All human beings like to be acknowledged of course, but Needy Alphas have this set on constant overdrive. If they aren’t acknowledged, they go apeshit.

This is why Needy Alphas are outcome dependent while true Alphas are outcome independent.  A Needy Alpha must always be acknowledged he’s there, have his actions validated, and ideally, told he’s doing a good job. A true Alpha doesn’t care about any of this…he’s too busy enjoying himself to give a shit about what other people think of his progress or achievements.

The email goes on but I think that’s enough fragile-ego anger for one day.

If you’re a Needy Alpha, or at least lean in that direction, always force yourself to calm down, pause, and ask yourself these three questions:

Why do I care?
Does it really matter?
Don’t I have anything else better I could be doing right now?

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