-By Caleb Jones

Does this woman even know how to close her mouth? Oh well. I guess now we know what she puts in there.
So the big Hollywood news (besides the Batman movie and that horrible massacre in Colorado) is that Kristen Stewart, the main actress in those god damn Twilight movies, cheated on her emo metrosexual boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, who plays that pussy vampire in those same movies, with the director of her recent movie, Snow White and the Huntsman. The director, Rupert Sanders, is a married man with two kids.

I had no interest in this story until several of you emailed me about it. It seemed like just another cheating story (which happens millions of times a day since monogamy doesn’t work). Young, supposedly hot (though not to me) actress gets funky with her director, evidence leaks out, both of them vehemently deny anything untoward is going on, then pictures surface they can’t deny, then they admit it.

However as I read more into it my interest grew. A few points that stuck out for me:

– Kristen Stewart is 22. Rupert Sanders is 41. Not bad. I approve. I’m 40 myself and several of my current women are Stewart’s age or younger. If more younger women hooked up with more older guys, the world would be a happier place. It really is a match made in heaven in many ways. Western culture hasn’t quite figured this out yet, but it’s getting there.

In this case it was bad only because both participants promised monogamy to others, which of course is something people shouldn’t do to begin with, particularly high-sex-drive pretty people working in Hollywood.

– Holy shit, Rupert Sanders is the most British-looking man on the planet. (Stick with me here, I’ll demonstrate the relevance of this in a minute.) I mean seriously. I had no idea who the guy was, then I saw a few pictures of him, and the first thing out of my mouth was “Holy shit. That guy has GOT to be from England.” I looked him up on Wikipedia, and sure as shit, he’s British. I mean just look at this guy:

That gaunt face, that skinny body, those bulgy eyes and tight lips, that stiff, proper posture.  If you looked up “British Man” in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of Rupert Sanders. You simply can’t get more British than that. They should make this guy the next Dr. Who.

– It always amazes me how little care people take to not get caught when they’re cheating on someone. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire life (because I’m not dumb enough to promise monogamy or expect eternal monogamy from a woman in the first place), but I have had sex with several taken women in my day. Let me tell you, most of these women were very, very careful to not get caught. That made sense to me.

Isn’t the entire point of being “monogamous” then cheating to not get caught?

Why then would you get all kissy-poo with each other outside, in public, in broad daylight?  Like these two dumbasses:

Not only are they cheating on wives and boyfriends, they’re frickin Hollywood celebrities! Are they really that dumb? Do they really think no one’s watching? Really, this stuff astounds me.

Let me tell you something. If I was dumb enough to get into a monogamous relationship (which I would not be) and I was a famous or semi-famous actor or politician (which I would not be) and I knew that if I cheated and got caught it would fuck up my main relationship (which it would) and would possibly damage or even destroy my career (Anthony Weiner anyone?) when I went to go cheat (which I would, since monogamy doesn’t work), I’d only touch my paramour deep within the bowels of some underground bunker that had been swept for bugs and that would not be rented in my name.

If I can figure that out, why can’t these two dipshits? To say nothing of all these supposedly “smart” politicians like Anthony Weiner, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton who cheat and get caught all the fucking time.

I mean, is cheating and not getting caught really that complicated? I know it isn’t, because I know a few married folks, men and women both, who have been cheating on their spouses for years and still haven’t got caught.

Simply amazing.

– From what little I know of him, Robert Pattinson comes off to me like a sweet, clingy beta. One of those artistic musician types. Apparently he was getting ready to propose to Dipshit Girl, uh I mean Kristen Stewart, right before the news of the affair broke. This tells me he was so full of oneitis he had no idea his Sweet Little Angel™ who was Not Like The Rest™  was busy getting her hair pulled and her g-spot mashed by a guy double her age while Pattinson was applying his hair spray.

– Pattinson is the star of fucking Twilight. Team Edward and all that shit. This means he could literally snap his fingers and get any girl on the planet he wanted. Don’t forget this. It’s a key point. At any time he could have dumped Dipshit Girl and hooked up with any one of several million female fans who would have been better-looking than her, nicer than her, smarter than her, who worshiped the ground he walked on, and most importantly would have happily adhered to any rules he put down.

Yet, like George Clooney, he chucks all the benefits his good looks, wealth, and fame provide him and settles for relationships with the same rules, cheating, drama, and bullshit just like everyone else.

If I was Robert Pattinson or George Clooney, do you seriously think I would promise monogamy to anyone?

Let’s turn this around. If I, Blackdragon, got into a serious relationship with a famous good-looking female celebrity, do you seriously think I would expect her to be monogamous to me while she was away from me for months at a time shooting a movie with a bunch of attractive and/or high-powered Alpha males constantly swimming around her?

Are you beginning to see how monogamy makes EVERYONE STUPID?

– People definitely have a “type”.  It’s more accurate to say that most men have a “type” of woman they like. Most women don’t have a type that’s as well defined as a man, but women often do gravitate towards a certain type of dude. Here’s what I mean. Take a look at Rupert Sanders’ wife side-by-side with Kristen Stewart:

Hmmm. No, they’re not exactly twins, but one could very well be the older version of the other. Does it look like Dumbass Guy, uh I mean Rupert Sanders has a “type”? You bet he does. Men are notoriously consistent in their sexual appetites. If I lined up photos of the last 25 women I’ve had sex with (which I won’t, so don’t ask) it would be humorously obvious what my “type” is.

The same could be said for Dipshit Girl’s “thing” for British-looking British guys. The only real difference between Pattinson and Sanders is that Sanders is older, and thus, A) more masculine, B) less needy, and C) higher value. Yes, Pattinson is better-looking, but that doesn’t matter. How do you think I constantly pull younger women over younger men with sixpack abs who are better looking than me?

– It would be too easy for me to point out that Dipshit Girl cheated on her artistic-guy beta boyfriend with a much more Alpha (albeit the British version) director. So I won’t do that. Hell, Kate Beckinsale cheated on her artistic-guy actor boyfriend (Michael Sheen) with her Underworld director (Len Wiseman), who at the time was married himself. In that case, Wiseman left his wife and married Beckinsale. This crap happens all the time.

The problem is once the woman upgrades from beta to Alpha, the Alpha is then stuck in yet another betaizing monogamous relationship, slowly becoming beta himself. Then the woman starts getting bored and the cycle repeats yet again. But we’ve already talked about how this happens.

Now have fun writing all of this off and rationalizing your situation while you think “Well, those are all just dumb shallow celebrities. None of that is going to happen in MY monogamous relationship. We’re Different™.”

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