Someone kill me now. I’m serious. Right now.

I’ve talked about the plight of Gene Simmons already.  I even named an OLTR type after the guy (The Gene Simmons Style OLTR).

If you don’t already know, I’ll summarize what happened.  Gene and Shannon Tweed had a live-in OLTR, with kids, for almost 30 years.  No problem.  Then, as soon as the two kids grew up and left the house, Shannon suddenly decided that open relationships suck, even though she had no problem with the concept for, as I said, almost 30 years.

She threatened to leave Gene unless he married her.  Monogamy included.

So he pussed out and married her, instantly destroying all the non-monogamy and non-marriage stuff he’s been preaching since the 1970’s.

Shannon’s Deal

There’s a lot stupid about all this, but the stupidest part is if Shannon believes that Gene will now suddenly be monogamous just because he broke down and agreed to get married.  Let me explain two concepts a lot of people have trouble with.

1. Getting married does not change a person.  If a person fucks lots of people before he/she gets married, they will continue to fuck lots of people after they get married (after a brief break during the honeymoon period).  If a person is an asshole/bitch before they get married, they will continue to be so after they get married.  Actually, more so. Ladies, if a man beats you up before you get married, he will continue to do so after you get married.  Guys, if she complains about you hanging out at the bar with your buddies before you get married, she’s going to be even worse after you get married.  Etc.

You might say “duh” as you read that but millions of people (including Shannon Tweed) don’t seem to understand this basic, simple, obvious fact.  They view marriage as a magic wand that instantly transforms people into something they’re not.

Marriage.  Does.  Not.  Change.  People.

2. Relationship promises made at gunpoint don’t count.  “Marry me or I’ll leave you!!!”  “Okay, okay!  I will!”  Will that relationship/marriage work long-term?  Nope.  Replace the “marry me” part of that sentence with “move in with me” or “have a baby with me” or “promise monogamy” or “stop watching sports” or “stop smoking weed” or anything else you can think of…it’s the same thing.  If the person says “Okay, fine, I will!” that person will not be living up to his/her promise.  Not in the long run.  Try it and see.

Gene’s Deal…and My Deal

So am I now crushed / furious / hurt / depressed that such a wonderful icon of nonmonogamy, a guy I actually named a relationship term after has finally chopped off his balls and placed them in a woman’s purse?  Yes and no.

Yes, it’s sad to see this happen.  Gotta be honest.  I thought better of Gene.  Some of the scenes during interviews while Shannon was throwing all kinds of passive aggressive drama at him, and he reacted by acting like a complete bataed AFC…I was cringing.  I felt physical pain watching him crumble and wimp out in front of her dramatic bullshit.

God dammit Gene.

However, on the “no” side, I’m going to give Gene a little out, and that’s his age.  The guy is 62.

I have said before that once a man hits age 60, things change.  I wish they didn’t but often they do.  Once you’re 60, I don’t care how healthy you are or good-looking you are, now you’re old.  There’s no getting around it.  There’s less testosterone flowing.  The desire for variety and adventure is less.  The old “I don’t want to die alone” stuff actually becomes a valid excuse.

I just love these guys in their 20s and 30s getting married because they don’t want to “die alone”.  Dude.  You’re 50 years away from that shit.  You’re going to marry some chick at age 27 because you’re worried about being alone on your deathbed at age 76?  WTF?  Do you realize the odds of…oh, never mind.  But a guy in his 60s saying that?  Okay, now that guy has a point.

So Gene’s an old bastard now, and he wants to settle down (ostensibly).  Alright.  Fine.  He’s still being a pussy about this, he’s still getting married under duress which is a horrible idea, it still won’t work, he’ll likely still cheat on her (eventually), he’s still in for an ocean of drama from this bitch now that he’s married her (and make no mistake, I don’t care how cool she was, Shannon is now a bitch), but he’s over 60, so I’ll give him that little nugget, tarnished though it is.

I guess now I’ll have to look to Penn Jilette as the new celebrity example of an OLTR (he’s in an open marriage). There’s always Hugh Hefner too, but he’s more of an MLTR guy than an OLTR guy.  (Nothing wrong with that, of course!)

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