Fatherhood
When I talked about my recent Bahamas trip, I talked about spending time with my son and his friends, and I got a lot of questions about my son, both in the comments and in my email.
Raising children as an Alpha is a huge topic and one little blog post isnāt going to do it justice. I talk about it in detail in the upcoming Alpha Male book. (I actually ended up expanding one chapter on Alpha fatherhood into two.) What I can do here is summarize my experiences with my kids living the Alpha Male lifestyle for the past six years.
Some of the things below are events I’ve already talked about. Others I have never spoken of publicly. Because of the re-branding I’ll be doing here in March or April, promoting the book and other things under my real name, it doesn’t make sense to keep these things to myself any more, especially if you can learn from my successes (and failures) in fatherhood, both under a beta model and an Alpha one.
My Quick History As A Father
Very stupidly, I got married and monogamous at age 25. It was one of the few big life mistakes Iāve ever made. (Thankfully I’ve made very few of those.) Getting married wasn’t the mistake. Having kids wasn’t the mistake. The mistake was agreeing to monogamy, expecting the relationship to last longer than about three years in a happy state, and getting married without a prenup.
The lucky lady was 31 at the time, six years older than me. At the time of our marriage, she was a curvy (in the good way) blonde bombshell who looked like Britney Spears (albeit a 31 year-old version). (Today she looks very different.) Ā She had a five year-old son at the time who I made my son.
One of the stipulations I had for the marriage was that the boyās bio-father could not be in the picture at all, since I knew from vast experience watching other stepfathers that being the āsecond dadā is serious, never-ending drama, and I donāt do that. Fortunately, my sonās bio-dad is a loser whom heĀ doesn’tĀ even remember, and was living in another state when we got married, so it was game on. She was a white blonde Barbie, and her son was a fun half-black half-white hyper kid. She became my wife, he became my son.
The number one reason I got both married and monogamous was to have children. Even way back then that long-term monogamy was stupid and silly. I spent most of my early twenties making fun of all the married guys I worked with in the corporate world back then. “Awwww…you have to go home now because it’s 6 o’clock and mommy is cracking the whip, huh? Ha ha!” However, like many of you, I was under the very mistaken impression that monogamy is required if you want to have kids. ItĀ isn’t, but I didnāt know that back then.
A year later my daughter was born. At the birth, it was one of the few times in my adult life I have cried. A year after that my wife at the time became pregnant with twins, but they both died in the womb at about six months. That was very painful for me and itās not an experience I like to talk about. I took it as a sign from the universe that I was only meant to have two kids, or at least two kids from this particular woman. It turned out to be a good thing, since a few years later we got divorced, and if there were four kids during the divorce instead of two, it would have made my life extremely difficult, not to mention the kidsā lives too.
Even though my son is not biologically mine, that means nothing to me. Heās my son, I raised him, and I am the only man heās ever called ādadā. Our relationship continued as normal after the divorce. Real men take responsibility for their actions and their children.
This was all a long time ago. As of this writing my son is 21 and my daughter is 14 and itās been six years since I was married to their mother. During that time I have maintained a consistent Alpha lifestyle, which means never getting monogamous, having sex whenever I want, traveling often, and making money running my ownĀ businessesĀ without ever having to report to a boss. During this time I have raised my kids, and barely even spoken to their mother, and all of these decisions have turned out to be very good ones.
My Son
My son is black, that is to say heās half black but he looks black. Heās extremely good-looking and charismatic, with a natural charm he had mastered as a small child. I weep that it took me damn near 30 years to develop a level ofĀ charismaĀ he had nailed by the time he was about eight. Heās currently away at college majoring in political science (though he’s planning on doubling his major and adding international business or finance).
He is monogamous, with the same girlfriend for about three years. He has never done drugs that I know of. He drinks the usual amount for the typical college student, and has a 3.98 GPA. He is not an Alpha nor does he have any huge desire to be. He does not have the high sex drive I have and finds the process of dating/meeting women a chore, muchĀ preferringĀ monogamy (though he does intellectually agree with me regarding monogamy’s downsides). He loves that I travel and envies that, and he appreciates my business success, but nothing else about my lifestyle appeals to him. He will likely end up married and monogamous someday. On the plus side, heās a big libertarian like dad.
This is all okay. Heās his own man and itās very important to me that my children follow their own paths in life. I strongly disagree with most traditional parents who shove things like their political beliefs, life views, and religions down their children’s throats. My attitude is always to demonstrate what kind of a man I am to my kids, demonstrate why itās a good thing, and then shut up about it and let them make up their own minds.
Both of my kids obviously had strong Alpha influences just being around me as they grew up without me ever lecturing them. As an example, while we were in the Bahamas my son and I went to go see the new Total Recall movie, and I told him I couldnāt remember if he ever saw the original movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger when he was a kid. My son rolled his eyes and said, āAn Arnold movie? Um, hello? Youāre my father. Of course I saw it.ā
My Daughter
<I decided to remove this because of myĀ daughter’sĀ age.>
Goals For My Kids
My big goal with my son when he was a teenager was to get him to age 18 without him getting involved in drugs or alcohol. Heās an extremeĀ extrovertĀ and peer pressure was something I was concerned about. That goal was hit. I got him to age 18 with no problems at all.
My big goal with my daughter during her teenage years is to make sure she doesnāt get pregnant before age 19. The good news is that my daughter is with me almost every weekend, and sheās almost always with me whenever she has summer or winter break from school. If she ever wanted to move in with me full time I would happily do it in a minute. It would make my woman-life a little complicated but thatās my womenās problem. My kids come first.
More Kids?
This all begs the question, do I want to have more children? The short answer is that I really would rather not, but if I end up in an OLTR with a much younger woman, something that is a distinct possibility, I would be open to the concept as long as she understood exactly how it would work. It would not be the standard 50/50 arrangement.
SHE would be the one raising the kids. Iād financially support her and the new kiddies, and help when I felt like it, but most of the time Iād be out laying chicks and working on my Mission. (I describe this system in a little more detail here.) Since I average one marriage proposal per year fromĀ womenĀ who agree to thisĀ arrangement,Ā doing this seems likely unless I end up with a woman in my age group (which is also possible). If she wants to agree to that, fine. Otherwise, no more kids for me.
Exposure To The Lifestyle
My rule with my kids in terms of the women I see is that none of my women are allowed to have access to my kids in any way whatsoever unless the woman has proven to me that she’s going to stick around for a very long time. As you might imagine, very few women ever get that far, so the vast majority of the women I sleep with never, ever meet my kids, even in passing.
Of course life isn’t perfect, so there have been occasions where theĀ scheduleĀ gets fucked up and my daughter might see a woman quickly leaving the house or something. I do admit that’s happened before, but not often.
Both my kids know that I do not lie to women, ever, about anything, and when they have seen me with women, they see the entire interaction in a very positive light. NEVERĀ in the last six years sinceĀ adoptingĀ the Alpha lifestyle have either of my kids seen me argue or have drama or negativity of any kind with a woman. It’s alwaysĀ an environment of laughing and having fun.
The only time my kids have seen drama with me and a woman was, youĀ guessedĀ it, when I was married and monogamous to their mother. (Monogamy = drama.) My kids will often tell me about all the drama, fighting, or coldness they see from their friends’ married, monogamous parents, and compare that to the consistent happiness I have in my life. The happiness of my AlphaĀ lifestyleĀ as compared to the dark depression of their mother is also a stark contrast thatĀ illustratesĀ anything better than anyĀ lecturesĀ from me ever could.
Beta and Needy Alpha Fathers
Most fathers out there are betas. Their kids watch as their fathers cower like little slaves in front of their strong and bitchy Dominant mothers. What do you think that teaches little boys about how to be a man? What does that teach little girls about the best way to behave in a relationship?
Of course, many sons have Needy Alpha fathers instead. These fathers impose aĀ myriadĀ of strict rules and regulations at all times. They yell and threaten often. When children violate these rules, these fathers hit their children, yell at their children, and tear down their children. Often these Needy Alpha fathers willĀ emotionallyĀ or physically abuse their wives as well, in front of their children. Nice.
Lastly, both betas and Needy Alphas (77% of them in most cases) often eventually cheat on their “monogamous” wives, causing even more drama that the children witness, not to mention divorce. Moreover, most divorces are brutal and ugly, and the kids see that too. Thankfully myĀ divorceĀ wasn’t that bad. My ex went through a phase where she badmouthed me a bit in front of the kids (she is a woman after all) but that was about it. As always I structured things for minimum drama, even during the divorce.
Is raising kids within an Alpha framework perfect? Not at all. One could accurately point out several problems with it. Of course, myĀ responseĀ would be to point out the alternative, which is the over 60% divorce rate in most American and European cities, and how this has permanently damaged an entire generation of children, and continues to do so. No negative within the Alpha framework is as harmful to kids as the the consistent drama and divorce of monogamous parents. None.
So there you go. I hope that answers a few questions you may have been wondering about this. I go into far more detail about specifics and techniques in the Alpha Male book regardingĀ raisingĀ children, but this should hopefully hold you over for a while.
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You told your daughter that, despite the incredible amount of women you’ve had in your bed, you’ve never had an unwanted baby. Then you tell her to not have any guys in her bed before age 18 in order to avoid unwanted babies? Come on, man!
Her nickname in school should be “the condon queen,” which should be taken as a great compliment. Kids today are losing their virginities at age 12 and you expect her to be a virgin on senior prom night? There’s nothing unfortunate about her inheriting your sex drive, and I think that teaching her responsible sex practices, which you utilize to avoid getting women pregnant, would be preferable to giving her the somewhat hypocritical abstinence speech. Just my $0.02.
By the way, I don’t think she’ll be a dominant if she finds dominant men like Stallone and Connery hot. Probably an independent.
I love how you use the same “pregnancy talk” on your daughter that you encourage to be used on girls after dating a couple months to instill a dose of reality and fear, quashing any notions of “getting pregnant with this guy wouldn’t be so bad”
Whether you actually intend on being as harsh as you claim with your daughter, should the worst happen, I’m sure you’ll never tell. But that attitude will certainly help with prevention.
You married a bleachblonde single mother mudshark six years older than you? That’s not even an attempt at “disney monogamy”, its Jerry Springer monogamy.
Jack – Of course my daughter and I have discussed condom usage. Extensively. Iām surprised you would assume otherwise. (This is what I meant when I said a single little blog article isnāt going to do this topic justice.)
Youāre analyzing my statement to her very logically and thatās not how women interpret them. But even if you want to be logical it still makes sense, considering A) I didn’t have sex until my early 20ās so thereās nothing hypocritical about my advice, and B) I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant on accident because I, the man, ensured it. The men sheād be having sex with in high school will not ensure the same.
Think about it. How many women have you had sex with who sternly insisted you use a condom? See my point?
As always, it starts with the man.
BD, you say you’ve been living the ‘alpha lifestyle’ or as an alpha for what, 6-7 years now? So obviously your children have seen you as both a beta and alpha and this has had some impact on them and even your parenting (what and how you teach them, lead etc) care to elaborate on that? Most of what you said had to do with the lack of drama they see compared to your x-wife’s world etc. Do you think your son knowing you don’t lie to women and have exactly the kind of relationships you want impact how he handles/teats women?
Hey! Quit slamming blackdragon! Geez! He opens up about a very, very personal topic and out come the cannons! It’s possible and even likely his kids receive some mixed signals but overall from what he described, he is a very responsible, active father in his children’s lives. That is more than you can say for the majority of fathers today in this society of 60% divorce rate. Plus, the way he raised his son is nothing short of admirable, and I have a new found respect for him in that regard.
BD, thanks for answering my questions from a previous post. I hope that your book will have some discussion of low-drama methods for disciplining children. Such a shame you can’t soft next them for three days. š
Jack: In my experience, most highly-dominant women are desperate for a man even more dominant than themselves, someone who can tame them. But because such men are so rare and in such high demand, super-dominant women usually settle for being the man in a relationship with a beta who gives them other things they want. But deep inside, the dream of a real man never dies.
Hmmmm….I wouldn’t say that your daughter’s proclamations about men she sees on TV necessarily indicate a high sex drive. I have always had a very high sex drive but was never the type to be “boy crazy” at all. My friends were much more so and my mom even thought I might be a lesbian because I showed so little interest in guys but yet I was having sex at 13 and they weren’t until much later.
With your comments to her regarding how you will treat her if she does get pregnant, I suspect she’d be a lot more likely to hide it from you and have her mom take her to get an abortion. Still, if she’s independent enough she would just buckle down and provide for the baby herself like my sister had to do at 16.
Same with you telling her not to have sex until 18. Seriously? In this day and age that is pretty unlikely. What is likely is that she will feel the need to hide it from you. One thing I really like about the relationship with my 13 year old son, even though he has a lot of behavioral issues, is that he tells me EVERYTHING. Sometimes it’s way more than I want to hear but I like having that open communication and feel it is important. I don’t know anyone whose kids talk to them as much as my son talks to me at that age about things and his friends sometimes tell me things too because they see that. It helps to be in the know sometimes.
My son is allowed to have condoms and some people would judge me for that because he is 13 but if he ever needs them I want them to be used. He and his friends got a ton of them plus lube, from this AIDS project place that was handing them out though and they were being goofy and blowing them up and throwing them around this past summer. They were all over the backyard and I made them clean them all up. Little did I know that instead of putting them in the trash they threw them all into the crawl space under the house. So my landlord had a guy here recently looking at the pipes under there and then he calls me and was like. “This is really awkward, but my friend saw a huge pile of used condoms and lube under the house”. LMAO. I had to explain what had happened because I’m not even sure he believes me. Ah well…..damn kids….
I’m in a similar boat, 2 kids. Do you disclose online that you have kids? I’ve had girls online tell me straight up that they are not interested in meeting up solely because I have kids. They aren’t being shallow; they have what appears to be a multitude of dudes to choose from online, and all things being equal they’d prefer a guy without kids.
How do you get around this?
Massive respect to you from this Black 40 something divorced dad of 2 with a growing passion for life’s pleasures, mainly freedom! Peace from South London.
@ Sidewinder: Maybe best you keep your profile about kids to yourself until you have proper ‘intimate’ knowledge of the girls. When they ask me if I have kids, I usually say ‘what if I do? Am I carrying them around on my back?’ Women should learn that with or without kids you are still your own man, and you can captain your own ship all the same. If they really insist on finding out what the real position is, then search for motive. Maybe they dont want kids, which is ok, but then make it clear you wont burden them with that expectation. Never disclose such info under duress. Same as when they ask you what you do. Its one of their crazy tests. Just my opinion.
Blimy ā
I was still reasonably dominant as married monogamous father. When they needed to be punished, my wife at the time would ask me to do it, since she āfelt badā punishing. Iād walk in and point and growl and the kids would obey, whereas it would take their mother 30 minutes of screaming at them to do anything. The problem is that during the beta-life of marriage, my kids did see their mother scream at me and me argue back, often about really stupid shit. I did my best to keep that crap away from the kids but some of it was inevitable.
Yes but only partially. My son has a very different personality style than me so heās always going to tolerate more drama/crap/betaization from women than I will. Do I think he will tolerate less of it because of my influence? Certainly.
Lovergirl ā
I agree. Sheāll be having sex very soon, Iām sure.
Yes, thatās the common irrational feminine opinion.
Woman: āIād rather have my kids out there doing terrible things as long as they feel comfortable telling me what theyāre doing.ā
Man: āI donāt want my kids doing terrible things.ā
Sidewinder-
Not only do I disclose it, I talk about it prominently in my profile text. Am I going to lose out on some women who are sensitive about that? Sure. I donāt care, I get laid plenty online anyway. Also I can tell you for a fact that being a dad and being involved in your kidsā lives is a huge attractor and DHV for a hell of a lot of women.
I guess I don’t see sex as a “terrible thing”. Also, how is it “rational” to tell her not to do something that you know she is going to do anyway? I’d rather be in a position to get her on birth control or take her down to the std clinic if she needs it than encourage her to lie to me.
” Think about it. How many women have you had sex with who sternly insisted you use a condom? See my point?”
One. However, it’s because she was late and wanted to be sure she knew who the father was if she was pregnant, so you can probably guess how sternly she insisted with the guy before me.
I really appreciate this particular post.
I myself am a father of beautiful 3 year-old girl. I had her finishing MedSchool. When she was 1 year old, I broke up with her mother, with whom, for the sake of my daughter and to facilitate my life, I maintained an excellent relationship of affection and cooperativeness. We help each other out a lot, and never EVER talk badly about one another in front of our daughter. We even defend each other when she is being rude with either one of us. The break-up, to be clear, was mainly propelled by my own chronic unhappiness in this relationship (as I had to practically “raise” her), and my feeling that I deserved much better (due to my introduction to the seduction community). You should DEFINITELY not stay with a woman if Love is not what gives cohesion to the relationship. Anyhow, she goes out with other guys, I go out with other girls, and we’re both okay with it, and happy for one another. What I want to say is that, though most of the time it’s quite difficult, it’s worth the effort to create an affectionate relationship with the mother of your children. It can only be beneficial. Really.
I realize this isn’t the case with most men with children. Most of the time there’s constant drama due to their ex behaving like a bitch, with you having 0% control over it. But sometimes it’s not always the girl’s fault; some men really suck as parents.
Although up to now I’ve agreed 100% with BD on EVERY SINGLE THING HE PREACHES, right now I must give it to lifeofalovegirl when she states the incoherence in being a proud and happy Alpha man who sleeps around a lot (albeit responsibly), having occasionally your daughter run into one of your girls exiting your house (I’m not saying you should be ashamed or anything, quite the opposite as a matter of fact), having both of your children explicitly know about your life style and how it’s not immoral or anything (showing them you don’t lie to women: Beautiful), and then being so radical and extreme by giving her an abstinence speech and expecting her not to have sex until she is 18. Even YOU realize this is unlikely. With the great respect I have for you BD, I find it an arbitrary measure. You try to justify it by saying you didn’t lose your virginity until you were on your early 20’s. That has nothing to do with her or her sex-life. “Also, how is it ārationalā to tell her not to do something that you know she is going to do anyway? “. Amen.
The BEST measure you can take in this respect is definitely making sure she has the risks of unprotected sex VERY present and clear. I’m sure you’ve made a great effort on that, no doubt. But the other measure should definitely be not threatening her with what can be easily perceived by her (she sounds like a very smart kid) as an incoherent and arbitrary measure, especially coming from you. It’s much better to have your children see you as an ally than a despotic and willful tyrant. I believe she’ll definitely be the beneficiary of acquiring a mentality similar to yours regarding sex, namely, that it’s NOT a taboo, that is part of what makes us HUMAN and it’s a necessity we all have to satisfy before we pretend for self-fulfillment and self-actualization. But I agree that she’ll definitely feel the necessity to hide it from you, once she sleeps with someone. You’re a brilliant man indeed and I hold you in the highest regard. Therefore, I’m sure you would definitely be able to imbue one of the most important persons in your life with your happiness-oriented lifestyle.
Everything else you stated, I, as always, agree 100%. Keep up the great work, man.
This is a great, insightful post. Nice breakdown.
As my name suggests, this is “Blackdragons” son. BD can attest to who I am if called into question.
I didn’t read every single bit of info here, nor did I read every comment, but a few things did stick out.
Did the actions of my father rub off onto me? Yes, of course they did. As an impressionable young child (at the time without a father figure) I closely watched what the males around me did, how they behaved, how they interacted, or even “admiring” how they had to shave their faces, among other menial tasks. For instance, the first “car” I ever “drove” (I was 7 or so) was BD’s Nissan 300zx back in the day. Ever since then, I’ve had an extreme love for that car. If not for BD, I doubt I’d even know what it is, nor would I have the same “love” for it as it most definitely would not have been a car I would have driven as a child.
While at this point in my life I do not “mimic” these actions, I have my own way of expressing whatever it is that needs to be expressed. Example: while BD says I’ll tolerate more drama than he will – I don’t believe that is necessarily true. I just handle it differently than he does. While I’d say neither of us are overly emotional (I’m certainly more emotion-based than BD, but I tend to believe that as I’ve matured, this has been greatly reduced. At this point, if I’m not happy – something will be changed one way or another.) With that said, drama is something that results in immediate change.
I do not do drugs (yes, you succeeded), and I do drink on occasion, but it is a lot less than a typical college student. I have a lot on my plate and generally find the idea of partying a waste of my time when I can be doing something to improve who I will be in the future – the level of my happiness, the amount of money I will be able to make once I am completed with college, etc.
BD says my sister and I heard some “angry” fighting, but it was usually pretty far away from where we were located. My parents typically went to our garage (we had a fairly large house at that point) and I’d just go play basketball or would grab my sister and tell her to play with her dolls or watch tv or we would go play on the trampoline It was very rare for us to actually hear them (I can remember one occasion, involving a broken plate, I believe it was). But that’s about all.
If you’ve made it this far, it’s time for the “fun” stuff.
Time to open up (over the internet, I guess). Never really talked through this stuff with my father, so here it goes.
I have an incredibly high sex drive – this is just not something I really talk to my parents/family about. It has never been something I’ve made a point to talk about as I’ve always found it a little strange about how often, how random, or how strong my desire is.
I don’t find “dating” a hassle. It’s actually quite the opposite. I found it so incredibly easy that I just lost interest in it. To me, it seemed like the easiest “game” on the planet. Hell, I wasn’t even trying – and females would approach or somehow obtain my number from a mutual friend. On the few occasions I did try, it took maybe a couple “dates” or at that point “a weekend” for them to confess how much they “liked” me. I always said something along the lines of, “that’s great – I’m not looking for a relationship right now, so if thats fine, great. If not, so be it. I had a nice weekend”. I lost count with how many people tried to have sex with me before I was truly ready, including people older than me. (I was not going to have sex before 17/18 – just wasn’t going to happen. I was not going to take a SINGLE chance of having a child, and to be honest – I probably wasn’t even ready when I did. But I did take every precaution to make sure there weren’t any babies running around. Birth control pill? Don’t care. My future is not in your hands, it’s in mine. Tough shit.)
Oh, and yes I do have a long time girlfriend now. I do not have any desire to be an “alpha” male. My only desire is to be me and to do what makes me happy. I’m not sure any classification really fits me. I’m a different type of person than most people would even begin to understand.
At this point in life, she is what makes me happy and I only desire her (and Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Jo, Keira Knightley, Kate Upton, Carrie Underwood, etc). I cannot guarantee that this will stay the same way for the entirety of my life, I’d even wager that the odds are against this. But for now? It makes me happy and that’s what my life is about.
And my final thought: respect/lying to woman is something instilled in me from primarily my mother, but also BD as well. I will treat every woman with respect and I will not lie to achieve what I wish to achieve. Playing with peoples emotions is something that I do not find happiness in – especially when I place my happiness on an elevated platform. I would not like it for someone to fuck with me and my emotions (or, lack thereof) so I will not do that to others. If possible, I’d like everyone around me to have the same level of happiness that I have, for them. I want to bring people up to my level of happiness – my life is not simply about “lying, cheating, stealing” to accomplish X. Nothing can replace the moral values and standards you have placed upon yourself.
Thanks. (Oh, and sorry it took me so long to finally comment/read
PS – A little sloppily tossed together, but its 3:40 in the AM on a Wednesday, er Thursday, now. š
Thanks Son of BD. š
And it wasn’t a plate, it was a coffee cup. That particular day you remember was pretty much the beginning of the end, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for posting. You’re very brave.
(And what’s this Carrie Underwood shit?)
If you could choose again, at what age would you have liked to have your first child?
That’s easy. 45. But only with a woman who was very excited about being a mother and doing mother-tasks. I would still have 2 kids; no more.
This was a very entertaining post. I smiled while reading all this article. I truly enjoyed this post and the comments.. Thank you BD for your articles. I have two daughters (18 and 13) and I worry about their future relationships and happiness.. I got good advice because it comes from a male point of view.
I am 49 and have been married for 24 years. From what I read in your web site I might be an independent with a moderate dominant kind of husband and works well between us so far, and I can say I am mostly content with my life. Of course there are no guaranties for this lasting forever but, for now, there is harmony in our life’s. Spiced by monthly arguments about who does this or what, etc.PMS kind of thing.
That being said, I have to leave because my laundry awaits me and after that I have to get my daughter to her dentist appt. See you soon. Because I will be back to read your articles.
Oh and I forgot to say, I love my husband deeply and lust for him still. I get the reciprocal from him so I must be good. š