An Open Letter To Married Men
I want to talk to you married guys for a minute. If you’re not married, you’re welcome to listen in since some of what I’m about to lay out applies to you also. (Moreover, even with declining marriage rates, and even though you’re reading blogs like this, there is still a good 90% chance you will get married at some point in your lifetime. Societal Programming is extremely powerful.)
I am well aware there are a lot of married men who read this blog. A few of them are happy, “happy” being a relative term when you are married, monogamous, and have been that way for longer than three years (unless you have a very low sex drive and/or submissive personality).
However most of you married men, I know, are unhappy to some degree. Now I don’t want to over state this…most unhappy married men are not miserable. They’re not walking around in a zombie-like state wanting to kill themselves (though some are). Rather, they’re just “eh”. “Eh” is another word for “okay”. Not bad, but not good. Ask them how it’s going, and you’ll get an “eh” answer.
“Eh, could be worse.”
“Eh, not bad.”
“Eh, you know.”
“Eh, I love my wife and my kids but it’s been five months since I’ve had sex and she bitches at me all the time and my job is lame and all my dreams I had when I was younger have been crushed and I have no soul and I’m going to go mow the lawn now. But eh, could be worse.”
“Eh” means your happiness on a scale from 1 to 10 is around a 4 or a 5. Not “bad”, but nowhere near good.
You Only Get One Shot
There’s a common saying out there, often used for tattoos. It says “One Life, One Chance”. Nice saying, but what does it really mean?
I don’t believe in an afterlife. I’m not religious and not a Christian, but I’m also not an atheist. Unlike an atheist, I do believe in aspects of the universe that are currently beyond detection of our five senses and beyond our current level of scientific advancement to prove. But when it comes to an actual afterlife where I’m still me and retain my consciousnesses in some other dimension…yeah, no. The older I get the more I am convinced this is not so. I also don’t believe in reincarnation, which is simply another form of afterlife.
When I’m dead, I’m dead. I’m not coming back. I’m going to fall asleep and never wake up. Even if there is some form of afterlife, which I strongly doubt, that thing that moves on to the next world will not be me. It will be something extremely different. The man I am now will be gone forever.
It’s very sad, when you think about it.
I believe this of you, too. I could be wrong of course, but I believe that when you die, you’re done. You’re gone, and you’re never coming back. You are more than welcome to disagree with me, but I’m just telling you what I think is most probable. (No big religious debate about an afterlife in the comments, please. That’s not the point of this post.)
In keeping in with the no-afterlife stance, I’m going to illustrate an analogy once made by my favorite non-fiction living author, Robert Ringer:
If we arbitrarily state that true adulthood beings at age 25 (which is becoming increasingly true with men in the modern era if it isn’t true already) and also arbitrarily state that average life expectancy is age 80, that gives us approximately 20,000 days of life as an adult to do whatever we want, and then we’re dead and never coming back.
20,000 days. That’s it.
That’s not a lot.
It gets worse. The problem is, about a third of that time you’re sleeping. Now we’re down to about 13,000 days.
But wait, there’s more. About another third of that time is spent doing nonproductive life essentials. You have to go to the bathroom, take showers, shave, eat, do your taxes, go grocery shopping, get ready for bed, etc. You (usually) don’t do these things because they’re fun or because they accomplish anything. You do them because you must in order to exist within a physical world and a societal framework.
So now we’re down to about 6,600 days. And then you’re done, and you’re never coming back.
But wait, there’s even more. That 6,600 days assumes you’re only 25 years old. Most of you married guys are well over 25. I’m 41, which means I haven’t been 25 in 16 years. I’m down to about 4,500 days. Yikes. Thankfully I’m not traditionally married, which means can do whatever I want, have sex whenever I want, pursue and achieve whatever dreams I want, but can still love and be loved whenever I want, and even still have kids. So 4,500 days is bad, but at least my happiness is almost always around a 9 instead of a 4 or 5.
But wait, there’s even more. This 6,600 figure also assumes you will be in 100% perfect health and vitality during your entire 70s. And hey, maybe you will. But maybe you won’t. Hell, statistically speaking, a huge number of you won’t even be alive in your 70s, much less infirm and unable to live life fully.
So you can see that as horrible a number 6,600 days is, it’s actually way too high for most men in most cases. You’re probably down at around 3,000 or 4,000 days. That’s it. And then you’re dead and gone, and never coming back.
Does Your Life Still Make Sense Now?
Now that you understand how little time you have for this one-time gift called life, does it make any sense to spend years and years of your life existing at a 5 in happiness? Only for those little spurts up to 7 occasionally when your wife lets you?
Do you see now the precious time you are wasting? Time you will never, ever get back?
I’m sure you love your wife. I’m sure she’s a wonderful person. I’m not going to dispute that. But does it really make sense to spend your precious few days left on this earth submitting to the completely irrational, nonsensical rules of that overweight, stressed-out, non-sexual woman whom you haven’t had sex with in months and who is even more unhappy than you are? Really?
Is maintaining the status quo, which is maintaining her unhappy, non-sexual state, really the best thing for her? Do you think she wants to be unhappy or bored or stressed or angry all the time? Is that something you want to give a woman you love? Really?
I’m sure you love your kids, and I’m sure your kids are great kids. I have two kids myself and I love them very much. And yes, having kids and being a good father does indeed represent a sacrifice to a degree. No question about that. But does it make sense to completely destroy huge swaths of your life and your being just because your wife or society says you must because you have kids? Is maintaining a shitty, boring, soul-killing, monogamous marriage really the best thing for your children? Is that the best example you can show them of who you are as a man? Really?
When you look into the eyes of your children, what kind of father do they really see? What kind of man do they see? Think about that for a minute.
I’m sure you have extended family that appreciates the fact that you’re married. I’m also sure you have married friends and co-workers whom you enjoy to spend time with. That’s wonderful. I have the same. But does it make sense to sacrifice your 3,000 days left just to impress these people and go along with what they think is right, even if it makes you unhappy? Really?
A Change
If you are like the vast majority of married men in the western world who have been married for longer than three years, you’re going to have to make a radical change in your life in order to get your usual level of happiness from a 4 or a 5 to a 9 or 10.
Before I tell you what a “radical change” is, let me tell you what it is not:
- Discussing your problems with your wife is not a radical change. You’ve tried that a hundred times already. Did that work? (Haha!)
- Marital counseling is not a radical change. I agree marriage counseling can be useful in some cases, but the majority of couples who go to a marriage counselor still (eventually) end up with the same problems they had before, or get divorced.
- Reading a few manosphere blogs and becoming more “Alpha” with your wife is not a radical change. I certainly agree that’s better than doing nothing, since being more Alpha never hurts in the long run, but it will not radically change the status quo. You can be as Alpha as you want…you’re still married. You’re still monogamous. You still never signed a prenup. She’s still got you by the balls. A traditional, societal-programming-based, monogamous marriage is not a place a true Alpha can live long-term. (I can tell you from personal experience that when I started to “Alpha-up” in my marriage, things in the marriage got worse, not better.)
- Throwing ultimatums at your wife is not a radical change. That’s just drama, and you and I both know you won’t follow through on them anyway. She knows it too.
No, when I say “radical change”, we’re talking about one of two things:
1. Getting a divorce.
or
2. Converting your marriage into an open marriage.
I don’t care which option you choose, but you need to choose one of those two. Continuing forever with the status quo ensures a zero percent chance of you living the rest of your very short life as a fulfilled, happy man. ZERO PERCENT, pal. But if you get a divorce or work through an open marriage conversion, that zero percent instantly becomes 40%, 50%, 80%, or even higher.
Is getting divorced fun? No. It sucks. A lot.
Is converting your mono-marriage into an open one easy? No. It’s hard. I can tell you exactly how to do it, but it’s still hard.
Regardless, I can tell you, and millions of other men can tell you, that once you go through the pain of the divorce or conversation, you’re going to be more happy than you ever remember being. I still remember about four months after my divorce, driving home in my car one day, and suddenly being so full of joy I laughed out loud for no reason at all. I had a big stupid smile on my face for six months. Finally being free to live my life as I choose, free to be a man, to live my life as a man, the exhilaration was intoxicating, like jumping into the crashing waves of the ocean. It’s been seven years since then, and the joy has not stopped. It’s still with me every single day. I feel it now as I type these words.
She Changed The Rules First
You’re going to be very fearful about doing either of these things. This fear will take the form of guilt. “She’s my wife. She’s the mother of my children. I can’t leave her. I can’t start having sex with other women. I’m married. I have to live up to what I promised. That’s what a real man does.”
Before I respond to that, I have to be very clear about something: I’m not telling you to cheat on her. I am completely opposed to cheating and always will be. I have never cheated on a woman in my entire life and I will never advise a man to cheat, ever. What I’m talking about is telling her you are changing the parameters of the marriage whether she likes it or not, and then having sex with other women in a very discreet way with your wife knowing what you’re doing. Or getting divorced.
If this sounds selfish or mean, you have forgotten something…
When she married you, she promised to keep you sexually satisfied. Even if she didn’t specifically say this, this was one of the many implied promises of marriage. (Remember all the stuff she said you “implied” when you married her? Same deal here.) You won’t have sex with any other woman, and in return, your wife will keep you sexually happy. And for a while, I’m sure she did.
Is she still?
If the answer to that question is any variation of the word “no”, then she has already changed the parameters of the marriage without asking for your permission. You don’t sleep with other women, she keeps you sexually satisfied. She’s now conveniently deleted that second part while keeping the first part.
Did you make that change? Did you ask her to make that change? Did she consult you before making that change? Of course not. She’s changed the parameters of your marriage, and did it without your consent. She’s not going to have sex with you any more (or less than you need) and you’re still not allowed to play around with other women. If you don’t like it, tough shit. “If you really love me, you’ll just deal with it.” I’m sure you’ve never heard that before, have you?
Now you need to do the same thing. You need to either end the marriage or tell her you’re going to start sleeping with other women and actually go do that. And always remember, she changed this arrangement first. You’re simply responding to her change.
A married woman reading this will instantly respond with, “Well, the reason I don’t have sex with my husband any more is because…!” and then start listing some crappy things her husband is doing. Guess what? I agree. If you’re a shitty husband or shitty father, you deserve a wife who bitches at you and won’t have sex with you.
BUT! I know that thousands of you out there reading these words are good husbands. Not perfect husbands, but good ones. You bust your ass, get the bills paid every month, never cheat, don’t do drugs, don’t hit your wife, provide for your children…and she’s still bitching at you and restricting sex from you anyway.
It’s time for you to make a radical change, whether you choose divorce or marriage conversion. There are abundant resources all over the internet to assist you. You are not alone.
You deserve better. Your kids, if you have any, deserve better. You are not alone.
The clock is ticking.
One life, one chance.
Don’t waste it.
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Great post as usual, BD. Only one mistake I’ve seen you committing before: you’re confusing the meaning of “atheism”. It’s a common mistake, though. To clarify: being an atheist is simply not believing in deities. You can have all sorts of beliefs about the supernatural or whatever and still fit the definition of being an atheist. There are many buddhist atheists, for example.
It is sad to read such a great mind as yours has limited yourself to such shallow viewpoints.
Would it change your view on life if you had knowledge about past lifes and therefore 100% certainty that you will live again?
Would it make a difference? Think dalai lama.
But thats just one side of the debacle. The other side is to fixate the peoples happyness to one thing, and one thing only. Monogamous lifestyle.
What about taxes – does paying taxes make you happy? If not, why not try to change that?
Does doing a boring shit job make you happy? No? Why not change that?
Now let me ask you one simple question.
Why is it important to you to see each woman only once per week, instead of having sex 3 to 5 days per week with her?
At this point I will make a guess. If you had good sex, 5 times a week with one single women you would feel a bond to her and so would she. It would be much harder to let her go. Harder to soft next her, if there is drama.
You would also be able to raw-dog her frequently, further improving said bonding. This is dangerous. She could fall in love, even worse YOU could fall in love. Then you would be vulnerable. Who wants to risk that?
There are people, LOTS of people who prefer living with a wife in the house. Who want to “own” their wife and not share her with other men.
There is a lot wrong in our modern society but if there is one thing that should be strengthened instead of weakened further it is marriage. Marriage used to be man and woman raising their children together. The man beeing the leader, the woman beeing submissive.
The man beeing the bread winner, the wife beeing at home. This simple fact alone is a cause of major problems in many marriages. Ever wondered why in 1950s one income was the norm (and happy marriages) and today it is 2 incomes and high divorce rates? Coincidence?
If she breaks the contract as you said, it is the man’s job to correct that. If she gets fat, it is the mans job to kick her ass in time until she looks sexy again. It is also the mans job to fuck her often and good, so she never gets bored and talk to her man disrespectful. More important so HE never gets needy and begs for sex like a worm.
If this happened to you and you didnt know how to fix it and even if it happens to most people around you – it is still not a law of nature.
As I stated before I am 40 years old, got 3 kids. My wife and I are together for about 20 years. Whenever I talk about other women, like “female x got nice boobs, I might consider her as FB some day” the usual response is not envy; it is concern that i might decide to have less sex with her.
If you are a married guy and your wife reacts differently, it certainly will help to ample up your alphaness. Treat her from square 0 as you would treat a waitress in your favorite bar, then be a rock and confront her drama like a poker player; no matter what shit she throws your way. She will adapt to your rules if you are strong enough – it can be done.
Thanks for this….now that the divorce has finalized, time to get my sea legs under me again. I still struggle with guilt about the divorce – don’t think she’s ever had a guilty thought about moving out. Oh well – can’t wait for my “day of clarity”, I know it will happen soon – I see it.
The legal part of my divorce took almost 2 years, mostly because of legal foot-dragging on my part. I remember the weight off my shoulders when this happened.
Oh man…I know a hell of a lot of atheists who would completely disagree with that statement, but that’s not really a debate I care to have.
You should and I am. I’m leaving the country in a few years due to (in part) the silly taxes here. See this:
http://www.blackdragon-blog.com/2012/08/26/why-im-moving-out-of-the-country-in-a-few-years/
You should and I did. I had some horrible jobs as a young man and eventually quit them to do something better. Namely, my own business.
I walk my talk. You should too.
Because eventually it would not be 3 to 5 times a week with her any more.
Indeed there are. These men are betas or Needy Alphas. These men do not value long-term happiness as their number one property. They prefer to conformity and/or security and/or control. (And statistically “their own” wife won’t be “theirs” forever anyway.)
I prefer to be happy.
I realize that’s a societal abnormality.
I’m glad you agree with me.
What if you do that and she still doesn’t? More lectures? More threats? When is enough enough?
Why are you fantasizing about a life you don’t have? Hm? Why are you waiting for “some day” to get an FB in addition to your wife? Why not have that now? You can have both, you know.
You’re proving my point for me, all over the place. Please keep commenting so you can further validate my position.
Okay, are your children happier with you around only on weekends?
Do they have your support, everyday? Can you raise them properly and show them the way, on weekends only?
How would they comprehend that daddy is loving somebody else more than my mommy?
How did they go through divorce?
Is your wife with somebody else now? How do they cope with another man in their house? And interesting enough; are you bothered that some other guy has your wife and spends more time with your own kids than you do?
I guess i have crossed the line here, for which i’m kinda sorry,
I’m a believer. I feel ther’s something after this life. This life is just a test, for something more… If it wouldn’t be so, nothing would have existed in a first place.
I kinda cry when i read about it, but that is more like a sadness of a father that is waiting for his son to come back, as in the lost son parable. Don’t know that’s just the sentiment.
So is it better for kids that you see them only on weekends?
Is it better that you can’t raise them, and be their father whole of the week?
Open relationship? Or marriage? Can that last? I mean what are your kids going to do about it, have open family? Guess they can’t do that, father and mother you don’t get to choose. So they have to put up with that, while you enjoy – guess it’s this or that. You (probably) enjoyed relatively stable family, wouldn’t be your turn to secure the same? You are a grown up, time for some sacrifice for the kids… The way your parents did… No?
“The legal part of my divorce took almost 2 years, mostly because of legal foot-dragging on my part. I remember the weight off my shoulders when this happened”
2 years and change for me…the first year, separated, but I was hoping on a reconciliation (notice the word hope there); after realizing that wasn’t going to happen, but she had no intention of filing, I filed – waited the required amount of time to create the agreement; spent a couple months haggling over it; thought we were going to reconcile again this summer; she fell in “love” this fall; I forced the paperwork through the system – she got the minimum from me and didn’t fight for anything else; So finally all done about 2 months ago. Huge weight – still wrestling with the some demons – awaiting clarity.
Thanks for the articles and the knowledge – good stuff.
You didn’t make a clean break of it. If you had thoughts of reconciliation you were doing it half-assed, which is why it was so painful for you. I understand.
Reading your comments I’m starting to think I should make a post one of these days about the story of my divorce and the few months following it. I’ll give that some thought.
And now, it looks like we have some more societally brainwashed men we need to help…
Much happier. When I was married to their mother, they had to regularly watch her scream and bitch and throw pots and pans (not at me, usually at other pots and pans). They had to see their father with a perpetual scowl on his face (at least during the latter 2 years of the marriage). Both problems have been solved by the divorce. Both my children are far happier with me now than during the latter years of the marriage.
Yes.
Though my kids are older now (15 and 22) so this daily support is much less relevant than it used to be.
100% properly? No.
But could I raise them 100% properly in a dysfunctional marriage with an angry mother and a chronically sexually frustrated father?
No.
Not sure how that’s relevant. I didn’t jump into any serious relationships shortly after my divorce. I see a lot of divorced people do that and think it’s bad for the kids. I waited a while for that.
They hated it of course. Temporarily. Once they got used to it, they were happier.
No. As far as I know she’s celibate.
Doesn’t apply to me at all.
Even if it did apply to me, the answer would be no, it would not bother me provided he was a good guy. If it did, I would re-arrange the custody so I had more time with my kids.
You’re just expressing your false Societal Programming. It’s normal. I understand.
As I’ve said many times, no. When dealing with people under the age of 60, all relationships are temporary, whether monogamous or open. The difference is the restrictions and unhappiness one suffers during the relationship and the financial and logistical chaos one suffers when the relationship ends. Open relationships/marriages beat monogamy there, soundly.
My children are (or in the case of my son, were, since he’s grown) raised in a very stable environment post-divorce. I’m a very stable person, financially, emotionally, and otherwise, and so is their mother (at least now that she’s not married any more).
Sacrificing for your kids is perfectly fine and I do that. There are several big things in my life I would love to do that I don’t do at the moment because I am currently raising kids.
Sacrificing for your kids when you are dead inside because of a soul-sucking marriage is NOT fine. Your kids will suffer far more than you realize…far more than if you have a divorce (and remain stable post-divorce, which I have done, and which I recommend others do).
‘…time to sacrifice for your kids’
Wow so many people don’t get that living in a horrible unhappy married isn’t good for kids, in fact it’s far worse then getting a divorce. Often times the kids will blame themselves for the tension in the household. 2 happy households is a lot more healthy then 1 tension filled angry household. How do people not see that? Brainwashed Christian American values I guess.
And BD: those are angry militant atheist you’re around. Me and mine are atheist but hope there is a universe full of Star Trek like worlds out there, as are most the atheist I meet. Seems like you are too ‘reject the idea of deities’ is all it means.
As a married dude, I have 1 big advantage over your MLTR situation. I can fuck my girl without a rubber. We both have a clean STD record. Condoms suck. It’s a hassle to interrupt the flow of fucking to unwrap the thing and put it on. They take away the feeling of skin on skin. It’s like being in high school all over again.
Aside from that, this advice is kind of dangerous. Most men have shitty marriages because they are beta pussies. A beta pussy who divorces his wife is not going to be banging a bunch of 20 year olds right after the split up. He’s still gonna have to get his life together. Most guys will divorce the wife and end up being celibate betas. Most guys are not going to be able to pull off a Blackdraggon lifestyle. Aint gonna happen.
I would try to get your life together before you divorce. If you do that chances are your fat wife will lose the weight, will start giving you blowjobs again, will quit bitching at you, because she knows that you are higher value. Women are reactive creatures. They turn into fat bitching shrews when the husband no longer commands her respect. Fix that part and most wives will start acting right..
I’m not going to pretend that marriage is perfect. But if you do it right it can be a pretty sweet experience.
As a guy who had his parents divorce when he was 16, I can assure the other posters on here that the divorce, although painful, was much better than the previous 10 miserable years of fearing the divorce that I knew was inevitable, way before my parents even thought of it. Believe me, kids are incredibly sensitive to the emotional lives of their parents, and especially to the dynamics of the mother-father relationship. If you think you can somehow fool them and soldier through a bad marriage believing it’s the best thing for your kids and that your sacrifice is worth it you are the fool because you can’t fool them, it’s not the best thing for them and it therefore isn’t worth it at all. You must be true to yourself because whether you realize it or not you are transparent to your children, pretty much from the time they first open their eyes.
BD, on your claim that you are not an athiest… by definition Atheism is the lack of a belief in any god. It does not negate believing in things that are not detectable by our five senses. I have a feeling you are, like me, an atheist. The only reason I bring it up is because there is a fierce stigma against atheists, and many true atheists claim to be agnostics when in fact they are actually atheists who are not fully aware of the specific definition of each.
That’s not an advantage over me. I have sex without condoms with my long-term, trusted women (usually just one woman at given time). No problem. All the rest get the condom.
This would also be true if you had an open marriage. Don’t use a condom on the wife, use a condom on all other women.
This “I hate condoms” thing is one of the weakest excuses I hear.
Beta is a scale, from absolute hopeless pussies to reasonably confident guys who are still in the beta category.
If you are a completely hopeless pussy, you’ll be unhappy no matter what you do. Married, divorced, single, you’re fucked. So yeah, completely hopeless pussies might as well stay married.
All the other betas and Needy Alphas who are not completely hopeless pussies should get divorced or convert their marriage to an open one. The vast majority of these men will be happier in the long run.
Amen.
Most men using the “for the kids” excuse is really just that…an excuse, to justify fear or religious/traditional beliefs.
Some of you guys are forgetting something.
I said in the blog post either get divorced or convert your marriage to an open one.
Too many of you are getting too hung up on the divorce option and are (purposely) ignoring the marriage conversion option, where no divorce happens, no kids need to be abandoned, you still don’t have to use condoms, and you won’t piss anyone off in your church.
BD, I recall reading in your blog recently that you always use a condom. That’s where my statement came from.
The reason everyone is ignoring the open marriage thing I think is because nobody can see that really happening. In my case, my wife would never do it. She’d not want to be a part of that lifestyle. second of all, I don’t care how many girls I’m banging, I’m not gonna want to see her bang another guy.
FOr sure, what you are advocating is better for many unhappily married men.
I’m still standing by my opinion that marriage is a good deal for me. I’m a low energy person. I value stability and low drama. Going thru 2 years of open marriage or divorce drama would suck. I have upper hand in my marriage. My wife is good to me. I get plenty of sex. She fucked me yesterday. (she initiated this BTW). She makes good money. She’s good looking. I would be attracted to her whether we were married or not.
You are not the typical man BD. SOme guys are meant to be risk takers. Others are not. You are clearly a risk taker and are comfortable w/ that. And that’s admirable. But most people do not fit that mold.
I have worked at the same company for 30 years for instance. Got a nice pension coming up soon. 401K, IRA’s, savings. I’m retiring in a few years. Retired people have more fun than anyone.
If you’re truly happy in your marriage this blog post was not written for you. (As I clearly indicated in the blog post.)
Nice post BD. I think maldek has a point as well. Men in this day and age are terrible leaders, this can be traced back to the pussification of American men the last few decades. This last year alone, I have witnessed women cheating on their spouses because they stopped RESPECTING their man- as a man. Women like to be lead and have a strong alpha leader to look to, despite what the media would have you believe. I am in my mid twenties, and never been married. It could be BD is right in the long run, but I’m starting to see just how much of an influence leadership has in various relationships.
PS If you are not a great alpha leader, act like you are until you yourself start believing it. Remember, fake it till you make it.
Good post and I have lived through most of what you have outlined. Recently separated 2.5 months now. Not sure if I want to go back knowing what I know after 8 years of marriage. For years I felt something was “not right” as my reality did not match up with what society and people told me I should feel. I was unhappy and unfulfilled. The red pill is definitely a hard pill to swallow, but once you do, it’s like you can’t turn back.
This shit is so hard to write about…
Brainwashed? Interesting. Is experience = brainwashing to you?
So i didn’t had a father around, i mean he wasn’t much interested in it all. I was always like watching other children play with their fathers, while mine was never there, i mean he was around but not for me.
And when i played with my neighbours, sometimes their fathers would come and join the game. And i at a time yearned for attention, – especially of authoratitve figure but was getting none, and I was always feeling awkward in these situations, since all of the attention was given to their sons, and that’s the feeling it is really hard to forget.
Now I know where your irrational arguments are coming from; you’re (rightly) upset that you had a really shitty father. I would be too. In the final paragraphs of my post I clearly said you should not be a shitty father. I also said you should sacrifice for your children. I certainly do.
Whether or not a man is a shitty, absent father or a fantastic, present, stable father is not the topic of this blog post. It’s about happiness, marriage, divorce, and open marriages, none of which have anything to do with the quality of the father. Horrible dads get divorced, and so do great dads. The divorce (or marriage conversion) doesn’t change who they are.
That was exactly how I felt. Not only during my marriage, but also prior to my marriage, dating women and being a “gentleman” and a “nice guy”.
I’m a 54 year old married guy in my second marriage, a relationship which is currently in its 14th year. We have two kids, ages 10 and 8.
The first 3 years were great. For the next 7 years, it was “Eh, could be worse, but anti-depressants get me through.” I wish I’d seen that as the huge danger sign it was, but instead I just accepted I’d probably stay on anti-depressants for a very long time. When you get down to a 4 or 5 on the happiness scale, you are perilously close to 2 or 3 — not a good place to be — but somehow I didn’t see that then. At year 5 of my marriage sexual activity stopped. About year 11 I entered a zombie-like state (level 2 on the happiness scale), and although not suicidal, I didn’t even care about holding down a job anymore. “What’s the point? There’s nothing to look forward to anymore.”
At my wife’s urging, I checked into a hotel for a weekend in April 2012 to get away from it all for a while. It became clear to me that weekend what the problem was — a lifelong lack of social success and lack of success with women. Having had quite a bit of career success just wasn’t enough — a man also needs social and sexual success (check out Maslow’s hierarchy). It’s taken over a year of counseling and dialog, but my wife has now agreed to an open marriage rather than a divorce, and I plan to actively start using the BlackDragon dating system (and maybe some other PUA systems) after the holiday craziness is over.
So this post resonates deeply with me — but I have to say I think there are better reasons than those stated by BlackDragon as to *why* us married men must convert our marriages to open relationships, or failing that, get a divorce. For me, it’s not primarily about my level of happiness in however many days of discretionary time I have left. It’s about something much bigger than that. It’s about freeing humanity from the bondage of sex-negativity.
I believe that prior to agriculture and civilization humans were naturally sex-positive and promiscuous, and usually happy unless there was a resource shortage of some sort going on (details are in the book Sex At Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha). The end of the last ice age probably did bring on enough climate change to create significant resource shortages, and humans had to learn agriculture to survive. This made it possible to store wealth and hand it down to future generations, which created civilizations. To bootstrap large civilizations, institutions such as slavery, slut-shaming, and sex-negativity had to be enforced. It worked. Civilization eventually matured to the point where it could run just fine without institutionalized slavery. I believe we are now at a tipping point where civilization can also run just fine without slut-shaming, and our original sex positive freedoms can be restored. This is why I strive to adopt the BlackDragon lifestyle — to help humanity break free of the temporarily needed restrictions placed on us by civilization (bad societal programming), much as the slaves of the 19th century broke free.
I didn’t much care for the section of this post titled “She Changed The Rules First”. I’m 100% certain that when my wife married me, she really thought she would be interested in me sexually for the rest of our lives. She didn’t see the huge loss of interest in sex coming in years 3-4 any more than I did. She’s just as much a victim of bad societal programming as I am. Rather than blaming each other, why not think of this as humans striving to regain lost freedoms, and regain them in such a way that we don’t lose the enormous benefits that civilization has bestowed upon us. Yes, doing this will involve lots of short-term pain (e.g. divorce for those who have wives not as open-minded as mine). I’m sure slaves that were freed from the masters had a very difficult time learning how to function as free people, and many resisted the idea of being free. Same goes for us as we learn to function as free sexual beings, rather than being enslaved to life-long monogamy. Some of our fellow “slaves” may not make the transition successfully (possibly our wives), but that doesn’t make we should stop striving to end the institution that has kept us in bondage.
Another goal of mine is to prove that 60 is just a number. Modern medicine now knows enough about anti-aging techniques that men can be strong, horny, and virile well past age 70. I’m currently under the care of a doctor who really understands anti-aging medicine, and at age 54 I’m more muscular, buff, and mentally alert than I’ve ever been (this does require radical changes in diet and exercise, however — it’s not as simple as taking pills — I have to hit the gym for 30 minutes almost every day). Getting older is *no* excuse for not adopting a BlackDragon lifestyle and being part of the movement to make sure humanity reclaims its natural and healthy sexuality. I plan to prove to BlackDragon that a 75-year old can still have MLTR and FB relationships going on at the same time.
Women are starting to come around as well. See this post from Elle magazine:
5 months ago I filed for divorce & walked out the door. After more than 2 decades. Kids were grown but things didn’t improve. Figured once the kids were gone, I would be ‘first’ in her life. Nope. Basically no respect for me, regardless of my accomplishments & successes. She even admitted it. After performing some zero-based thinking, I acted.
Since then, even my family members have commented on how much happier I am.
Took me a couple of months to get back my mojo with the ladies. Before marriage, I was good with the girls and have always been flirty, so I just had to work on my aggression when pursuing.
The past 6 weeks have been tremendous for me. I had a bit of oneitis for a woman but recognized that and stopped. Managing my schedule and getting enough sleep is my biggest problem. One woman has shown me how good life can be for an alpha male. And there are several more waiting in the wings.
BD, your work has helped me a lot. Thanks.
William W: Wow what a story.
What kind of a doctor is your anti-aging doctor? What meds are you taking? is your wife going to date other men?
@AKA: Google “anti-aging clinic idaho” and my doctor’s web site should come up top in the (non-advertisement) search results.
No, my wife isn’t going to date other men — she has totally lost her sex drive — but I really wish she would date. I was in a polyamorous relationship prior to meeting her — and absolutely loved it. Sexual jealousy is only a minor problem for me, and easily overcome. Unfortunately, the woman I was polyamorous with had some addiction issues and I had to terminate the relationship. I’m so glad that polyamory is now kind of a “thing” you can read about on the internet, and there’s even a local group that meets regularly. The group is composed of successful people leading normal lives, and the genders are balanced in the group.
What meds and supplements a person take depends entirely on their current biochemistry and other health issues. I wouldn’t attempt it without a doctor. My doctor is just like any other family physician in the area — visiting him is covered by regular company insurance, along with the meds he prescribes for me. He takes the same approach as a Las Vegas based medical anti-aging practice that advertises a lot on the internet, and their approach is sound, but they charge an outrageous amount of money. There’s no reason good anti-aging medical care should cost any more than being treated for a routine low-grade chronic condition (e.g. asthma) — because that’s what aging is.
Anyway, after doing extensive bloodwork and urine analysis, my prescription from my doctor for my unique biochemistry was (in descending order of importance):
1. Resistance training (e.g. lifting weights at the gym) every other day.
2. Aerobic exercise on days when I’m not resistance training (one day of rest per week).
3. Eating a paleo diet, with a few minor modifications.
4. Testosterone injections once a week.
5. Progesterone capsules.
6. Anastrozole (Armidex) pills.
7. The rest is over-the-counter supplements taken daily:
Multi-vitamin
extra Vitamin C
extra Vitamin D
Krill Oil
Oligomeric Proanthocyanidins
Iodoral
DHEA
Pregnenolone
Melatonin
L-Glutamine
Homocysteine Resist
Adrenal Botanical Adaptogen
After 3 months, the doctor could tell some of the supplements he had me taking were spilling out in my urine, so the amounts taken daily on some have been reduced to save me some money. The supplements aren’t covered by insurance — total cost is running about $70 a month right now.
The program is working. I’ve never built muscle mass faster in my entire life, and I know there were times in my 20’s and 30’s where I worked as hard at the gym as I am now. My HGH (Human Growth Hormone) levels are nearly to that of the typical 30-year old male, without taking any HGH directly. The prescriptions above have caused my body to make twice as much HGH as it was before. That’s great, because taking HGH directly can have unexpected side effects.
Hey William. Thanks a bunch for your reply. I want to look into anti-aging.
That’s quite a story you have. I wish you all the best going forward.
BA and William – You guys are both heroes. You make what I do here worthwhile.
You have courage most men will never have, so now you’ll a live most men can only get to WATCH.
My hat’s off. Well done.
BD…yep, would be interesting – hear what process you went through – although all of us will go through a simliar process, it will always be unique, depending our ability to process/accept the reality.
I cycle between being just plan mad as hell (primarily because there is still new information that crops up) and I’m still not to the place of just letting it completely go.
William — I read your chronology and I though, “wow, that was me”….I remember telling my wife (in the safety of a marriage counseling session) that I felt like I was a paycheck to her – and of course, all that did was start another round of “I can’t believe…” discussions over the next few months. Also, I had the pleasure of working from home during the last few years of our marriage – and since she didn’t really work (part time job only) we were about 60ft away from each other all the time. I just felt defeated, and truly just shackled to “this life” and the promise of “till death do us part”.
I’m glad I’m on the other side and only looking in because I choose to — and I realize that most of this is driven primarily by the holiday season and it being the first “post divorce” one to happen. I do see the new beginning, still trying to mentally dig myself out – knowing I’ll get there. MOJO here I come.
“What if you do that and she still doesn’t? More lectures? More threats? When is enough enough?”
When enough is enough I’d stop having sex with her. If she wants me to fuck her, she has to keep herself in shape. It really is that simple.
The logistics behind, is not.
Explained in detail:
If I had handed her my ass (money) on a silver platter so our financial security depends on HER the situation would be terribly fucked up. If on the other hand a forward thinking beeing made it so that in case she wants to leave she is free to do so but with almost empty hands, the pressure is on her.
After all she is older now and looks less sexy. Chances are her replacement for me (since i would prefer not to fuck her) would be a downgrade. So she has 2 options.
A) She can improve her looks to the point where she arouses my interest again
B) She can improve her looks to the point where she gets another guy interested in her. Both ways she has to improve her looks. Problem solved.
When it comes to taxes and work we share the same view. It just happens that I am one step ahead in some areas. For example I left for SA in 2009. Not everything is greener here but financially it is a gain. I get ~12% interest p.a. with basicly 0% risk while the U$ has devalued against local currency by 30% in the last 5 years ON TOP of ROI. From your newsletter I know you are like my humble self a student of economic success; so this boots on the ground information may have some value.
#2 “Because eventually it would not be 3 to 5 times a week with her any more.”
Yes, that is a risk. Women age worse than men and even the 1/1000 exception will be 55 one day. On the other hand Keynes once said: “In the end we are all dead.” – For me it has been 20 years and 3 kids later. So it can be done for quite a long time.
“Why not have that now? You can have both, you know.”
Truth be told, in my 40s there is only so much sex I want in a given time span while women have no such limits.
If your MLTR#1 for example wants 6 times per week and you 5 times she may be ok with 5 times sex. On the other hand if you have 2 FBs x 1 and her only 3x she will be tempted to get her missing sex elsewhere and have FBs on her own.
In this model both of you would be using lots of condoms. My personal preference would be to stick with LTR x 5, not using condoms
and not risking STDs.
Please note: There is a difference between “personal preference” and “lack of options” – the later beeing DLV and an efficient sex-killer.
This would in no way be a deterrent to most wives out there. Most wives don’t initiate sex with their husbands after the 3 year mark and could give a shit if sex declined. (If that’s not true in your marriage, that’s wonderful, but I advise the masses here.)
And as you admitted, having far less sex long-term. That’s an unacceptable price to me.
And again with the silly condom excuse. For the second time, I can have all the sex I want, including without condoms, without any these limitations you describe.
It appears from your comment your sex drive is lower than mine. I have said before that men with lower sex drives will have much less a problem with monogamy than men who like a lot of regular sex.
“I have said before that men with lower sex drives”
If comfortable with 5 times a weak for a man ~40 qualifies me as low sex drive, this would explain a few things. Quite a lot of things in fact.
If the woman is the one who wants sex more it is a lot easier for the man. She will try harder to stay in shape, she will put more effort into seducing her man and be a much happier wife.
The opposite would then create a needy guy who begs for sex all the time. I can see that this person then would be far better with a FB so the natural state (the woman seducing her man) in the relationship can be (re)established. Makes perfect sense now.
I’ll say this one last time, then I’m done discussing this: If you honestly have your wife craving sex with you 5 times a week, every single week, after years and years of marriage, then none of this blog article applies to you.
“Oh man…I know a hell of a lot of atheists who would completely disagree with that statement, but that’s not really a debate I care to have.”
I know what you mean. I’m an atheist since I was a kid, so I’ve met plenty of self-professed atheists who don’t know that the definition of the word atheism is “absence of belief in deities” and confound it with general skepticism or humanist practices and stuff. Anyway, not a debate I care to have (yet again) either, so…
Happy holidays by the way, BD!
When you go 5 months without sex – that’s a miserable marriage, indeed.
A few of them are happy, “happy” being a relative term when you are married, monogamous, and have been that way for longer than three years (unless you have a very low sex drive and/or submissive personality).
ehhhhhh… I have been married for 18 years (she passed away three years ago) and we were monogamous during that entire time. no, my sex drive isn’t low and i don’t have submissive personality. i just chose my woman really well and i was lucky. i can’t remember a DAY going in those 8 years that we didn’t have kinky, passionate sex. we didn’t have any children, so maybe that is why?
you CAN be happily married and monogamous for a long time, i guess that’s my point. but for that you have to choose very carefully and be very lucky. not everyone is as blessed as i am so i agree with you – it’s better to get a divorce than to go 5 months (how does one get to that point?! i still don’t get it) without any sex, closeness.
best wishes to you!
also, i was surprised at this part of your post –
Now you need to do the same thing. You need to either end the marriage or tell her you’re going to start sleeping with other women and actually go do that. And always remember, she changed this arrangement first. You’re simply responding to her change.
how did you even get married without discussing these things? you need to discuss and set firm rules and an agreement BEFORE you get married. your wife didn’t break any arrangement because she probably wasn’t aware that there IS any arrangement (she probably wasn’t aware how you saw it and i’m assuming it’s because of the lack of quality communication). me and my wife were very kinky, into BDSM, orgies, threesomes, group sex and we were swingers. but we actually discussed it BEFORE we got hitched. and it’s amazing when you find someone who thinks and wants the same things as you.
don’t try to “justify” yourself by putting the blame on your wife. at the end of the day, it is nobody’s fault. you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting things you want. it’s just the way you is so it’s unfair to put it on your wife because she “broke” this imaginary arrangement you never bothered to discuss with her before the marriage.
BUT, good post.
I know. And here’s why:
YOU WERE NOT MONOGAMOUS. You had an open marriage. You did it right. That’s why it worked. Thank you for proving everything I’ve been saying for many years.
The “letter” written above is to monogamous married men, not open marriage men / swingers / threesome married men. You did it correctly. And I’m very glad you did, and very glad you demonstrated how well it works.
I hope all you other men reading this are paying very close attention.