Don Jon – And Why You Should Not Change For A Woman
The movie Don Jon recently came out on video. This is one of those rare times where a movie can teach us some real-life relationship skills. As usual when I do this, I will try to keep things reasonably spoiler-free but there will definitely be minor spoilers. It was written and directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who also stars in the film. While the movie is somewhat predicable, it’s a great example of an Alpha (though a very flawed one) who slowly succumbs to betaization from a woman who is Not Like The Rest⢅a story I’ve sadly seen in real life all too often.
Levitt is Don Jon, a dumb, low-income, Jersey-Shore-like meathead and player who listens to Marky Mark and is addicted to porn. So much so, that after he has sex with a woman he runs to his laptop to beat it right after she falls asleep. He enjoys porn more than actual sex, and as he narrates the movie he lists the reasons.
One of the reasons, he says, is that girls don’t give blowjobs, especially pretty ones. Even if they do, he says, they’re “in a rush”. None of this has been my real-life experience…I’ve had many blowjobs from many very pretty women that were quite fantastic, and rarely have a problem in this area. But I digress.
His overall point is a something I’ve heard echoed by other men I’ve met who are really into porn, that is that porn is “easier”. I’m not into porn because I think it’s a very bad idea. More on this in a minute.
Don Jon has dinner nightly with his family, including an extreme Alpha Male 1.0 father (played by Tony Danza, who does a great job), a mother who constantly bitches to Don Jon that he hasn’t settled down yet (I can relate), and a sister who’s face is always in her phone.
Long story short, after picking up chick after chick at the club, he finally starts dating a “ten” named Barbara, played by Scarlett Johansson. Barbara is a typical Dominant. When Don Jon tries to have sex with her for the first time, she demands that they meet each other’s friends and family first. And that he starts going to college so he can “make something of himself”. She even picks out his classes for him.
Don Jon, being consumed by oneitis and NRE, goes from Alpha to beta in a nanosecond, and obeys like a little bitch. He starts hanging out with her 24/7, meets her family, has her meet his family (with his Alpha Male 1.0 father who can barely contain himself when he sees how hot Barbara is), starts attending a college class he hates, and stops hanging out with his friends. (Any of this sound familiar? Hmmmmm?)
Worse, he does all this while NOT having sex with her, a fact she even brags about to her girlfriends (who also being Dominants, congratulate her on the little bitch she’s created for herself).
After over a month, they finally have sex (a reward for him going to college as she ordered), and afterwards he watches porn while she sleeps. She catches him doing it, and freaks out. Being a Dominant, she throws yet another rule at him. He is never allowed to watch porn ever again.
He does what most men do in relationships when a new woman who is Not Like The Rest⢠throws down a rule. He makes a promise he knows god damn well he can’t keep and agrees to her demands. Because, you know, he Doesn’t Want To Lose Herâ˘. It’s strange that men don’t realize this is simply another form of lying, but they do it anyway.
Big mistake.
Now look, I think watching too much porn is very bad for a man. I barely watch porn. Perhaps once a month at most, and I mean that literally. The last time I actually watched porn was because I was with a woman who requested it.
Don’t watch too much porn; it damages your frame. That being said, if Don Jon was an Alpha 2.0, he would have said to her, “Look, I watch porn a lot. It’s what I like. I’m going to keep watching it, and I will never change. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, then you should probably go date someone else.”
The amazing thing is that if he said that, and said it a confident but non-angry way that was congruent to his prior behavior, she probably would have gone along with it. This is one of the biggest things men don’t understand about women. It is the act of subservience to them that turns them off. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually.
Changing For Her
I doubt very much that you’re addicted to porn. At least not as bad as Don Jon. However, I am confident you have a behavior or two that a future (or current!) woman you Really Like⢠is going to absolutely hate. Some common examples:
- Maybe you smoke weed.
- Maybe you like to hang out at the bar often with your buddies.
- Maybe you watch a lot of sports on TV.
- Maybe you work long hours because you love your job or business.
- Maybe you travel a lot.
- Maybe some of your buddies are fun but stupid and crass.
- Maybe you never get monogamous and like to have sex with more than one woman at a time.
- Maybe you have a very engrossing hobby you spend a lot of time on, like martial arts, or working on the car in the garage.
It doesn’t matter what it is, but I’m sure you do something from the above list or similar to it, and enjoy it. I’m also sure you’re eventually going to start dating an Amazing Woman⢠who is Not Like The Rest⢠who’s going to hate it and demand you stop doing it.
THAT IS THE MOMENT when we’ll all discover what kind of man you are. If you’re a beta, you’ll puss out and obey. If you’re an Alpha 1.0, you’ll argue with her, throw your weight around a little bit, and if she’s Not Like The Restâ˘, then you’ll puss out. After that, in either case, you’ll eventually renege on your promise, and start doing that thing again behind her back.
Then, because you’re a guy and we guys are terrible at keeping secrets from our women, you’ll get caught. (There’s a funny scene where Don Jon doesn’t realize browsers have a thing called “history”.) Then you’re in for drama from hell, and maybe she’ll leave you. Which is exactly what happens to Don Jon (though that’s not really a spoiler, since it’s very predictable and it’s not the end of the movie).
If you’re an Alpha 2.0, then instead of all this crap you’ll just give her the mini-speech I laid out above. This is what I do, I’m not changing, if you don’t like it, you’re welcome to leave. (And likely she will not.) Even if she does leave, you’ll shrug, and then go get another one. (See…that’s the secret about women who are Not Like The Rest⢅there are thousands of them in your city alone.)
I’m not saying porn addiction is good. It’s quite destructive. I’m saying if you watch Don Jon, you should use his love of porn as a metaphor for that “thing” you love doing that your future (or current!) girlfriend/OLTR demands you stop doing. Are you going to cave in like a little bitch so you Won’t Lose Herâ˘? Are you going to guarantee her attraction for you drops several points because now she knows you’re her little bitch?
Or are you going to maintain your standing as a free man, and maintain her attraction for you, even if she gives you a little shit for a few minutes that you’re not following the program? Or even better, do you avoid getting serious with Dominants altogether so you won’t have that problem in the first place?
Sadly, the majority of you, while in the throes of oneitis or NRE or both, are going to choose first option, and suffer all the usual consequences men have been suffering for decades.
A few of you will walk a different path.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
Hello..this post really hit home for me.
I’ve been following this blog for awhile…learning what I can, struggling to overcome my programming and making improvements.
I play the online dating game and I’m getting good results now after learning from this blog and others like it what I was doing wrong.
So all was well until about 6mos ago when I met, ‘The Girl Who’s Different Than All The Others.’ A beautiful woman, fun, intelligent, etc. I would see her about 1-2x a week as she lived about an hour away.
We’d have crazy good sex every time and I liked her company so we’d go out and do things once in awhile.
Then she started with the, ‘You’re perfect in every way except for this one part of you that I hate and if you will just change that then everything will be perfect.’ She would blow a gasket if she thought I looked at another wonman or said anything with the least bit of sexual connotation. The arguments would become explosive because I refuse to admit to something I don’t think I did or really isn’t a big deal. she would worry it like a bone never stopping until she was satisfied that she had made her point.
This caused repeated breakups until two weeks ago when I had enough of the crazy and walked for good. I’m still getting emails from her telling me , ‘…if you’d just change this about you…’ although now they are laced with invective, subtle jabs and outright insults calling my manhood into question.
I’m trying to be objective. I think I would have saved a lot of drama had I laid down the law the first time she started that nonsense. Other than that, I’m not so sure what I messed up.
Anyway, any critique is welcome.
Cheers
Great post once again BD!
The movie however sucked big time. It is hard to even see Don Jon as an Alpha. He is more like an alpha-poser.
One could get the impression he moves from somewhat alpha (first 10 minutes) to beta (the relationship with his babe) to omega (ending).
All in all Don Jon is not exactly the winner type.
Do you think porn can help outcome dependence?
“If I get laid – cool. If not – porn!” đ
It was probably an addiction for me when I used be a Christian, but ironically lost it’s hold on me after I became an atheist. I still have fond memories of my old favorites but don’t go out of my way for anything new.
The movie definitely tackles the issue of porn-addiction, but attacks, in a head-on way, what it’s like to discover yourself and realize that there’s more to love and life than just small pleasures. It’s about discovering that life can continue on and get better for you, just if you let the feelings run through you and take over your heart. Maybe went a bit deeper than this movie actually, but so be it. Good post!
What a great post!!!
I think that not changing for any woman is a core concept of inner game and seduction. An important observation is that most men do this even BEFORE getting the girl; when they first meet her some guys constantly change their minds about some topic during the conversation to fit the girl ideas, they don’t have the balls to stand in a position and that’s a big turnoff.
During the relationship is equally or more important not to change hobbies, behaviors, etc, AND also THE WAY YOU FEEL AND THINK because of her. I had to learn this the hard way đ
However I always have an issue, that I’m not sure how to handle, I need your opinion here BD:
1. You can’t always find a perfect girl in every way, always will be things (minor or big ones) that you wish her to change.
2. You tell her to change this things and she does change, so far so good.
3. She don’t like a particular thing or things about you and she ask you nicely to change and she makes you remember that she changed the things you didn’t like about her, so what do you do?
You can’t be just a guy who tells her: I know you changed but I will not change, the other options are:
1. TRY not caring about the things that annoys you about her.
2.Dump the girls because of some particular thing(s), but that is highly inefficient.
I’ve read Mystery and other PUAs saying the same about porn (that destroys your frame)but I don’t understand why? A post about porn by BD will be pure gold, I’m sure.
You forgot option 3:
3. Never ask any woman to change in the first place. If you’re with girl A who has aspects you don’t like, go get girl B who doesn’t have those problems, while still seeing girl A.
“Telling her to change” is very Alpha 1.0. It’s not what I do, and you just listed one of the many reasons I don’t do it. No woman can EVER demand I change (without looking like an idiot) because I never demand women change for me.
That’s an idea. I’ll think about it. Porn has never been a big part of my life so I can’t really discuss it with any level of authority, including the bad reasons for it.
@Joe, Unless you were outwardly looking at other women in an obvious way that would make most women uncomfortable, it’s not your fault. More likely, it sounds like she has her own possessive issues that cause her to react in such a drama-filled way. And yes, in the future do what Blackdragon outlined and tell them from the start that you will never change. Don’t let the backlash of leaving that woman for good get at you; she likely only wants to attack you verbally because she’s insecure and you’re better off finding someone else.
great reality check.
many thanks.
why is nawalt even allowed.
people call people out for absolute bullshit all the time but i have yet to hear something that is an utter and complete consistent lie than nawalt lol.
Hey BD (and guys) if I wasn’t too lazy I would have made a post on fastsed a few weeks back about this movie and many of the points you hit on BUT I was thinking of some broader points this movie makes that also fit into men becoming stronger versions of themselves which of course fits into the pickup community:
Don Jon (spoilers) toward the end of the movie wises up and starts to question most aspects of his life, especially what society/his family/the church has told him is important. He questions the structure of his religion, if he actually wants to ever get married, what he wants in a relationship, what kind of things he finds fulfilling He basically becomes less of a dumb Jersey douchebag. He becomes a little more free by breaking questioning and breaking away from many of societies prepackaged beliefs (that make most people miserable). Something every man should sit down, watch and give some thought to.
I have to agree with your opinions of the movie – my friend showed it to me thinking it was brilliant —
I left with an impression that most of the characters and not-so-subtle ‘insights’ were not very realistic at all.
I’m not sure if this is a reflection of Joseph Gordon Lovitt (has not had a connection to Joe Everyman for a while now) or if the movie was intentionally supposed to be a heavy-handed parody.
And I mean honestly, what woman in this modern era is threatened by porn, or is shocked to find it?
Hey BD, don’t leave us hanging with your comments that porn is bad for you and damages your frameâŚ
I know you say you feel you’re not an authority on it, but you must have (well thought out) reasons for saying that it’s bad for youâŚ.can you share your thoughts on this with us?
eg In what particular ways do you believe it’s bad for a guy?
It damages which frame? In what context?
I’m not criticising or arguing the oppositeâŚjust wanna know why you hold these beliefs because I am sure you have some solid reasoning behind itâŚ.
True. Good point. The last confession scene where the priest give him the exact same absolution is a good one.
Agreed. It was very heavy-handed, and that was part of its problem.
Ohhhhhh you’re dead wrong there. There are plenty of women like that. If you watch a LOT of porn, go date a few over-33s and be completely transparent about what you’re doing, then watch what happens. My brother was dating a girl (in her 20s) who forbid him to watch porn or even masturbate unless he did it with a picture of her. I’m not joking.
There are plenty of Dominants out there who have HUGE problems with their man watching porn. I found that part of the movie quite realistic.
Okay, okay. Message received. I’ll make a post about porn usage.
These aren’t my words, but on the IMDB message board for the Don Jon film, where numerous threads about the film’s themes are being discussed, a dude said the following :
A true alpha (like say George Clooney, Russel Crowe, Colin Farrell, or the Dr. Christian Troy character from the Nip/Tuck TV show) will have even LESS patience with such women, because they CAN get themselves another 10 easily. I mean, there’s only so much patience, money, time and attention any man can devote to any one woman. Unless she’s really earning it (being a good wife/mother), why bother if she’s only bringing good looks/sex to the table, or bed?
Trophy wives don’t count since they usually also bring in kids to the table (breeders), but even those can only push it so far (ask Mel Gibson). Only beta guys who know they’re not likely to strike gold again, will put up with them. I’m pretty sure women also prefer beta guys to have long term relationships, for the exact same reasons (like not wanting to spend their time wondering/worrying about being replaced/cheated on since the guy CAN pull it off, especially if that’s how they hooked up).
That guy IMDB guy is 100% on the money.
Ok BD what if my 10 gf demands that I stop reading reading your blog?
Well, then obviously you should dump her immediately. My blog is far more important than any 10 GF. There are many 10s out there, but there’s only one Blackdragon Blog, baby!
The bigger question is, why are you telling your GF you read my blog? Do you WANT that kind of drama? đ