7 Observations Regarding Man-Woman Relations
I have spoken (or emailed or Skyped or communicated over forums or blogs) with hundreds, if not thousands of people regarding dating and relationships topics. I’ve also spent a lot of time observing people in these environments. Here are a few random, interesting things I’ve noticed. For once, I will not give my opinions as to why these things are (even though I certainly have them). Instead I’ll pretend I’m a scientist and simply report the observations and you can speculate in the comments as to the reasons.
Observation 1
When a traditional couple gets monogamously married, the man will either view all money earned by husband or wife as “our” money, or he will view his income as “his” money and her income as “her” money.
A woman usually won’t do this. Instead, she will view his income as “our” money and her income as “my” money.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 2
When someone is “In A Relationship” on Facebook, a man is far more likely to include a picture of his girlfriend in his primary profile photo than she is to do the same with him in her primary photo.
I’m serious. Test this out for yourself if you like. Hit up your Facebook and click 30 random guys who are In A Relationship and note if they have their GF in their primary photo. Then click 30 random girls In A Relationship and see if they have their BF in their photo. You’ll find that the men with partner-pics will outnumber the women with partner-pics by at least 70%, likely 100% or more.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 3
This is one I’ve mentioned before. When a boyfriend and girlfriend break up, once the drama of the actual breakup is over, the woman is usually very happy very quickly. The guy is usually angry, sad, or depressed, often for several weeks. It will take him a lot longer post-relationship to get back to a happy state. He will also complain about his ex or the breakup for much longer than the woman will complain about the same. The woman will also find a new boyfriend much faster. The guy will find a new girlfriend eventually, but it will take more time.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 4
The above observation is only regarding boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. In an actual marriage and divorce situation, it’s the complete opposite. Usually, as in more than 50% of the time, once the pain and drama of the actual divorce and/or custody battle is over, the man is very, very happy. Likely he’ll be the happiest he’s ever been in his entire life. As a divorced man myself, I relate to this personally. I have spoken with hundreds of men who have reported this same ultra-happy post-divorce experience.
However, for women it’s usually (as in more the 50% of the time) the opposite. She’s angry, bitter, stressed out, often for years after the divorce. If she’s over 30, the divorce may actually change her permanent perception of men and relationships for the rest of her life. This is where the word “jaded” comes from. Whereas divorced men happily date women and will marry a new one with nothing but positive expectations.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 5
I have no actual stats to back this up, but my observation, and it’s a blatantly clear one, is that unmarried women under age 30Â or so drink more hard alcohol than unmarried men under 30.
Think about it. Picture a young couple at a bar. What is she drinking? Some kind of mixed drink with hard liquor in it. What’s he drinking? A beer.
Granted, he’s going to have several beers, but she may easily have two or more of those mixed drinks. So who ends up drinking more actual alcohol by the end of the night?
Her.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 6
Who cheats more often? Men or women?
If you listen to most people and read the surveys, everyone seems to think it’s men. Is this true?
My observation, and this is another one of those very clear and obvious ones, is that men and women cheat equally as often but women take longer to do it. So if you have a young BF/GF couple in their twenties, if he’s a cheater, he’ll cheat pretty fast. Perhaps even within the first few weeks of the relationship. If she’s a cheater, she’ll wait well past NRE, at least four or five months, perhaps even a year or longer. During NRE women are extremely loyal, whereas men can cheat at any time, even during NRE.
It’s the same with marriages except that the time frames expand. If he’s a cheater, the husband can cheat at any time; the first year, the third year, the tenth year, whenever. If the wife is a cheater, she’s going to wait until the Disney fades after the three-year mark before she starts getting some cock on the side. If she has a small baby she will also usually wait until that baby is a little older before she starts cheating.
But once the three-year mark and baby-time are both over, she’s not going to be any more sexually faithful than the typical man. I’m even leaning in the direction of stating that in marriages lasting longer that 15 years, if anyone is currently cheating, it’s more likely the wife than the husband.
Again, I’m talking about what usually happens, not what happens 100% of the time. There are exceptions to all of these generalizations of course. I’ve seen men completely faithful for 10-15 years and I’ve seen women cheat on guys within the first month. But both of those are the unusual exceptions to the rule.
Hmmmmmm…
Observation 7
Men tend to learn from their relationship mistakes, whereas women, even smart ones, tend to make the same relationship mistakes over and over again, often for decades. That statement is a little misleading so I’ll do my best to clarify with an example.
If a woman has a boyfriend who lies to her a lot, after a shitload of drama she’ll dump him, then go get a new boyfriend who is also a rampant liar. She’ll dump him, get a third boyfriend, who again is another huge liar. Soon she will start assuming that “men are all liars!”, when in fact she keeps bringing men who lie to her into her life over and over again.
Do men do this? Sometimes, but not really. Usually, if a guy has a girlfriend who is a huge liar, after much drama the relationship will end, and then he’ll make damn sure that the next girlfriend he gets is an honest person. And usually, his next girlfriend really will be honest. The guy will learn from his mistake and (usually) not repeat it. Very different from the female pattern.
This is why you often see women complain about the same stuff regarding men over and over again, and you don’t see men complain about women in nearly the same way as often. Men do tend to “upgrade” their partners in ways (most) women do not.
Before you men start patting yourselves on the back, there’s a huge danger with this. This upgrade ability in men often fools men into thinking that the next relationship won’t have the same problems as the prior one. One of my biggest complaints with divorced men is that they get monogamously married without a prenup AGAIN. He’s thinking, “My last marriage didn’t work because she was a bitch. This new wife is Different™. She’s Not Like The Rest™ so this time it will work!” He doesn’t realize that his marriage failure wasn’t necessarily about the quality of the woman; it was instead the structure of long-term monogamy that doesn’t work for men or women any more, and that once the three-year mark has passed he’ll encounter many of the exact same problems with his new wife.
But that’s another conversation. 🙂
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All points ring true based on my experience with one exception: cheating.
Your point is valid, however, only when limiting the definition of cheating to physical infidelity. Men cheat physically first. Women, however, cheat emotionally first. In or out of NRE women will, at least to some degree, stray emotionally when a more alpha comes along (hypergamy). Their physical comes after enough comfort accumulates during the emotional phase.
Observation 1 is easily avoidable. From the very beginning, train her into cut the spedings half/half. For *everyting*: cinemas, dinners, vacations, rents, etc. If you don’t control the spedings, you *will* end up paying more than her.
A repeated gift becomes an obligation.
Observation 2 is beta behaviour. She still shows herself as available because women always spin plates. Never forget that.
Observation 3: women decide when there’s going to be sex.
Observation 4: men’s SMV is nos as much tighted to appearance as women’s and it lasts far much longer.
Observation 5: agreed. For men, sex is always a reward and we can separate it from feelings 100%. For women sex is a currency and closely related to the quality of the man they are fucking.
Observation 6: women are used to live under a huge layer of social preferential treatment that makes them teenadults, unable to recognise mistakes. And because they decide when there’s going to be sex, they easily find another one without improving themselves. Men need to improve themselves if they want better women.
Seems about right… my observation is that the observation numbers mess up at number 5! FYI
Oops! Fixed!
Observation 1-4: Same experience
Observation 5:
Experience was different. Boy did I drink a lot when I was in college age.
So did my buddies. We were drunk at least once a week and did all kinds of cool but stupid things.
The girls at the time maybe had a glass of wine or 1-2 girly-drinks but didnt buy wodka or tequilla in bottles like we did.
This has been a good 20 years ago so take it with a grain of salt, but back then it was like this.
Observation 1 is funny, because my girlfriend has done that on accident. She said something like “Let’s go to our car” when the car is clearly mine and she doesn’t own it at all and has no intention of owning it. I wonder if it’s some subconscious thing for women to assume whatever their man owns is also theirs.
“I have no actual stats to back this up, but my observation, and it’s a blatantly clear one, is that unmarried women under age 30 or so drink more hard alcohol than unmarried men under 30.”
So true. Most of the VYW I know could easily drink me under the table. I regularly see skinny little girls able to knock back whole pitchers of cocktails or doing shots, I would rarely drink anything stronger than beer.
“Men tend to learn from their relationship mistakes, whereas women, even smart ones, tend to make the same relationship mistakes over and over again, often for decades.”
Again 100% true. It’s been mentioned before on this blog but women spend years of their lives searching for the ‘submissive Alpha’ – a creature that does not exist – and end up getting hurt when they can’t get commitment from one. Then repeat the process with another one. And so on until one day they’re 35 and past their sell-by date.
As I’ve written about before, it’s hard being a woman, and harder to be happy more often and consistently. Therefore it doesn’t surprise me at all that women drink harder alcohol more. I think women have more internal demons to wrestle with than men do, at least on average.
It’s not just younger women either; older women simply switch from shots to wine (as in, whole bottles).
“older women simply switch from shots to wine (as in, whole bottles)”
ahh the cougar juice
Absolutely spot on BD. One of the best parts of this blog is the feeling I get when I read in cogent sentences a perfect distillation of gut feelings and vague associations I have had for years.
Due to my social conditioning, I was unable to “connect the dots”. Only through the crucible of divorce was my mind opened to the truths that are ALWAYS operating underneath the flimsy exterior of social norms, expectations and assumptions.
I’m a reasonably successful man with a career in medicine, tall and not unattractive. But honestly, I felt like a total loser for most of my life. I married early and most of my adult life was spent trying to make my (now) ex wife happy. Obviously, that didn’t work out. At the time I thought I had failed as a husband and father– “I” had lost my family. I was in a fog but my logical inquisitive mind would not accept a “shit happens” reason for the implosion of my life as I had known it. My google fueled journey started at rather mainstream divorce help forums to very mild “red-pill” blogs to my current reading list (including this one).
This journey has been liberating in many ways. I am truly “unchained” in that I fully realize my agency now, and walk unbowed through life. I see every day what an astounding effect it has on my interactions personally and professionally. A man unburdened by the yolk of feminist-imperative tyranny, is a man who is awake and ready to act. Having this core-feeling is like chick-crack. I’ve never had so much attention from women. In conversations with female friends (who have had their brains vigorously screwed out of them prior to questioning) have confided that so few men act like me, they know I am spoiled for choice. They are literally begging for men with balls to give them some attention
It has been about 1 year since my divorce was finalized. As BD pointed out: I AM HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ADULT LIFE. This is not an exaggeration. I have seen more explosive growth in my career and my sex life has been like nothing I have ever experienced before.
My ex? Again BD nails it. I can see she is unsatisfied with how post-divorce life is unfolding for her. She sees me, my career, and hears of my adventures with much younger women(always a plus to run into her friends at a bar with a young hottie next to me) and there is most likely a feeling of loss inside her that she never felt while she was neck deep in an affair and wanted to be rid of her “boring marriage”.
On a very serious note: I’m convinced BDs information has saved more than one life. The urge to self-execute after the loss or imminent loss of something a man has worked so hard to achieve can be overwhelming. His advice, perspective and the reality of better days ahead, indeed possibly better than that man has ever experienced, is like throwing a life-ring out to a drowning sailor.
tl;dr: BD tells it like it is. Congruency is key. Buy his book. Point a brother who might be struggling to BDs blog.
I can’t comment on the majority of them as I’m in the very early twenties and have no experience of knowing married couples etc.
However, what I can say is that I found Number 2, the Facebook one, to be true. Very embarassingly I realised it’s even the case with me. The other week my GF changed her profile pic from a picture of us to one where she’s on her own, pretty dolled up. I’m not beta enough to care, but I did have a think of why the change. What are the ideas people have as to why this occurs?
Feels good, doesn’t it?
Not only was that first year a super happy year for me, but most of that happiness has not abated in any way, and my divorce was 8 years ago.
I think standard mansophere wisdom would say that it’s because women are whores and are constantly looking to upgrade their men. That might be true with a percentage of women but I think it’s a little more complicated.
I think the main reason women do it is because women, especially cute or pretty women, are not whores, but attention whores. Women need to constantly be in the spotlight, and Facebook and Instagram are the two primary ways women do this. By having her BF in her pic with her, he’s crowding her. He’s in her spotlight. She’s only getting 50% of the attention. Well, we can’t have that! So eventually, out the BF goes, so she can suck up 100% of the attention again. And, hey, if she can appear “single” and get more ass-kissing from men, all the better also.
Most men are the exact opposite. Get a hot GF, and all you want to do is constantly show her off to the masses to show what a badass you are. You want her in “your” spotlight, since you think she makes you look better. Fine for monogamous betas I guess, but if you are open/poly you never want a woman in your primary FB pic (unless she’s a very long-term OLTR and you’ve mastered the art of hooking up with side-women despite your OLTR FB pic).
Thanks for the reply…Yeah she drives me absolutely crazy between FB and instagram. Oh Jeez. Has to check it like 10 times a day.
It’s just beyond a joke with the lot of them. And yeah this is probably tied to how they have to look insanely good even when only going out for an hour. To get all the attention.
On NYE we were going out for an hour with 2 of her friends, and she just had to spend 30-40 mins doing her make up even though she was about to spend longer putting it on than we would potentially be out (when previously she’s never bothered too much admittedly).
It doesn’t bother me because I don’t want other guys looking at her, it annoys me because they all seem to feel like they have to look their best no matter how long they’ll be there for.
And another thing that amazes me is how fast women are quick to say ‘oh she’s gained weight’ or mention how ‘she isn’t like that now’ if you make a comment about a woman having a nice feature, e.g her ass.
I agree with CSR. Women always spin plates. They always have a replacement in mind. So #2 attention whoring is inevitable.
Amusing follow up to what I posted above:
I ended up changing my Primary pic to one of just me because I felt like such a pussy after reading this, and my gf started messaging me like crazy asking what was wrong and why id changed it. Double standards or what, when I change it there must be something wrong, yet had Id said anything about her changing hers she’d have called me stupid and told me to grow up (not that I’d care enough to, just an example.)
Now she won’t stop texting me whereas she usually never does, telling me she loved me and everything.
WOMEN LOGIC
Whatever it is – shes guilty.
Observation 1: So very true, never happened with me, but I see it in my parents. Whenever my mom makes a comment its our money, but when my dad buys something, its her money he is spending. I refuse to let that happen. My money will always be my money. I work for it, if I choose to share, its because I am feeling nice at that particular moment.
Observation 2: This is totally true. I noticed this with all my exes, both good looking, and ugly ones. Only they are allowed to be in their profile pics. Something else I’ve noticed both with my experience and other men: If a BF changes his profile picture from both of them to just him, or something else like his dog, she will get mad and demand to know what that means about his feelings for her and all that crap. If the roles are reversed, she still bitches him out because he is intruding on her space. This is why I don’t have a picture of her in my profile picture. Its either me, me and my dog, me and my cat, or me with friends.
Observation 3: This is very true, with almost all my exes. There were two exceptions. One went A-sexual for a while. The other got into a new relationship as soon as I dumped her, and he was physically abusive. Apparently she blames me for that. I will admit, I have always taken breakups hard, but that is because I have always been a total tool. Thanks to BD and this blog, I learned I used to be the very definition of a beta. I put the future of my happiness, my entire happiness onto my GF’s, I did everything for them, school and bills included. Then when they left, I would go into deep depressed states and drink, do drugs, even attempted suicide. Now, I look back at that and I think what a total loser. I have vowed to never become that horrible excuse for a male ever again. This blog has really helped me to learn to be a real man, to put my happiness above all. I do have a GF now, and she knows full well she can be replaced. I am happy and I am inviting her to share in it, but she breaks the rules, and I’ll next her. Clear and simple, no one will get in the way of my personal happiness.
Observation 4: Never been married or divorced, closets I got was engaged, then dumped for Christmas one year.
Observation 5: This is true, every woman I know can drink me under the table.
Observation 6: As a person who has been cheated on, my brain says women cheat more. But that is just past experience talking, and my co worker, who is female, has confessed she cheated on her man 15 times in their relationship, he knew about it, and never left because he thought he could fix her. Women also cheat emotionally first before they do physically most times. Hell my own GF got drunk and admitted to me she fantasizes about two of her best friends, both men. After that, I put my walls up, and told her flat out the relationship is now changing. New Rules, and stuff. She didn’t like it, I said tough, deal without or leave, your choice. I could find someone new to fuck if I wanted.
Observation 7: This is very true, all my exes never learned from their mistakes, as noted above, some went to make worse ones. I will admit, it took me a long time, 6 years in fact, to actually learn from my mistakes and to reform myself and my habits when it came to women. But I did eventually learn.
You’re the second guy to bring that up, and I think it’s a good point and usually accurate.
Women usually expect behaviors from men they themselves would never agree to. (The ultimate example is getting married without a prenup if the woman has money.)
Women are notorious for their double standards. In fact, almost everything that a woman thinks about in relation to men can be considered a double standard, or close to it. Here are some fun double standards:
1. If a man wears inappropriate clothing in the workplace, he will be fired for sexual harassment due to distracting the women. If women wear inappropriate clothing at work, the men will likewise be fired for sexual harassment for allowing themselves to be distracted.
2. If a man murders his girlfriend while saying that she made him do it, he is a monster who needs to be locked up. If a woman murders her boyfriend, it likewise means that he was an abusive monster who made her do it out of desperation.
3. If a man slices off a woman’s clitoris, he is a monster. If a woman cuts off a man’s penis, he must have done something to deserve it.
4. If a woman whines, she is empowered and has high self esteem for pointing out an injustice. If a man whines, he is a whiner and a pussy who needs to man up.
5. If a woman sleeps with multiple men, she is enlightened and sexually empowered. If a man sleeps with multiple women, he is a womanizing pig, a misogynistic loser peter panning his way through life, and possibly a sex addict who hates his mother.
6. If a woman was raped, she may ask to speak with a female police officer and be taken care of only by a female doctor. If a man was raped or assaulted by a woman, he may not ask for a male police officer or a male doctor.
7. If a woman was raped, no one laughs. If a man was raped by a woman (via forced envelopment while drugged) everyone makes fun of him (and there is no law criminalizing women raping men or other women).
8. If a man does something good, or is the victim of a crime, the media calls him a person. If he does something bad, the media calls him a man. If a woman does something good, or is the victim of a crime, the media calls her a woman. If she does something bad, the media calls her a person.
9. A man’s sexual lifestyle preferences are always bad, especially if they come into conflict with a woman’s preference. A woman sexual lifestyle preferences are always good, even if they come into conflict with a man’s preferences.
10. If a woman’s vagina dries up during sex, the man is a terrible lover. If a man’s penis goes soft during sex, he must be gay or experiencing a medical problem that “has never happened to him before.”
I could come up with ten more, but you guys get the point.
I have to disagree with Observation 3.
I’ve seen, heard, read, and experienced women who are very sad after breakups, and seen men who’ve been fairly happy soon after.
And to be clear, nether breaker was a troublesome crazy partner (they often don’t do the breaking up).
This is all so spot on. As a fun combination of 1+2, I know a decent looking girl with zero career, who is engaged to this beta guy. Except, just by looking at her facebook, you’d have no idea she was dating something until they were actually engaged and she started posting ring pictures. Less than a month after the engagement, she posts on FB that “Justin and I will soon be listing our home”. OUR HOME? You moved in with him and you’re not even married yet. It’s HIS home.
1. I don’t think all women view their husband’s stuff as theirs, as I know a lot of women who have a “his stuff” and “my stuff” mentality. However, they tend to be high earning women and/or women who don’t have kids. I DO agree that virtually no woman considers her stuff as “ours,” while plenty of men do. I think this is mostly a reflection of economics, as the person with less assets in a relationship tends to try to muscle their way into getting the richer person’s stuff, and guys still usually have more assets. As this changes and women increasingly are the higher earner in relationships, I expect this will change. My ex-husband had less assets than me and he DEFINITELY tried to claim my stuff as his (both during the marriage and during the divorce).
Another thing I think you overlook (because you hate spending money), is that lots of people ENJOY spending money on others because it’s a sort of beneficent exercise of power. Parents give money to children, bosses give money to employees. Not the other way around. It creates an obligation for the person who is the beneficiary of someone’s largess to comply with the desires of the bestower, moreso than the beneficiary otherwise would do. This is why I personally do NOT like men (or anyone really) spending money on me, giving me gifts, or paying for things, because I don’t want to feel indebted to them. And it’s why I like being the one who pays for friends, boyfriends, services…because then I’m justified in calling the shots and getting my way (or at least not feeling obligated to go along with what someone else wants). And lots of men WANT to be the ones who provide the money/assets for precisely this reason. I think it doesn’t occur to women as often because they don’t have models for it and they were used to being daddy’s little princess. But again, I think this will continue to change as women gain greater economic power and discover the pleasure of being the provider/decider. I don’t really know why SOME men turn over all control of their assets/money to their wives AND let their wives start thinking of it as “theirs” (which gets rid of the natural indebtedness mentality), but my guess is just because they’re naive and/or pussies who are afraid their wives will leave them otherwise.
2. Very simple: being seen as having a woman raises a man’s status. The only exception would be the rare guy who is so good-looking that everyone universally understands he has women coming out his ears. But being seen as single and available raises a woman’s status (assuming she’s at all sexually desirable). People are uncomfortable with unattached males…they will be warmer and feel safer and be more respectful to attached males. But people love single (desirable) women. So both genders are just doing what will give them more status and what makes people be nicer to them. I not only would never put a photo of a boyfriend in my profile picture, but I wouldn’t even put photos of him on my facebook, period, unless I was 100% sure I was ready to go off the market for a loooong time/permanently. This doesn’t really apply to a man because even if he breaks up with his girlfriend, his status is still raised by having had her. Women prefer men who have been in relationships to men who are perpetually single.
3. Very true. I think usually the person doing the breaking up is relieved and happy afterwards (after a week or two of guilt and drama) and the person who was dumped stays upset for months. Since women do the breaking up 90% of the time, they move on faster. In rare cases where a woman is dumped, she can be upset for a few months like a guy.
Another aspect here is that men are far more likely to make their girlfriend their entire world and not to maintain their friendship/support networks, so when they get dumped they have no one to talk to or hang out with and they become extremely depressed and lonely.
Note that I don’t believe that women are more likely to leave because of “hypergamy”…I think it’s because women are more amenable to getting into relationships and therefore very often get into relationships with men who are not the best men they could potentially get. Often times they get into a relationship with whoever is the closest/first man around after a breakup. Whereas men are more wary of relationships and therefore usually only get into one when they know a woman is the best they can get. Therefore most relationships involve a man with the best woman he’s capable of getting, and a woman with a man who is not the best she could get. Naturally, in this situation, women leave more often. The only men who leave relationships are generally men who increase their social skills/wealth/status as time goes on so that eventually they are NOT with the best woman they could get (although it started out that way). A man who doesn’t increase his status over time will virtually never break up with his woman unless she does something to drastically decrease her status such as gaining a bunch of weight. But a woman doesn’t have to increase her status in order to leave because she can probably get a man of equal or better desirability at any time, right from the beginning of the relationship (again, this is only because she didn’t hold out for the best in the first place).
And the other reason women are usually the breaker-uppers, of course, is that women lose sexual interest in a man faster than the other way around, especially once they start living together.
4. Your observation about divorce is ONLY true in cases where the marriage ends because the man cheated/left the wife. In cases where the woman was the cheater or left, she is usually very happy after the divorce and it’s the man who is left devastated. Basically all of this stuff just turns on who does the dumping. There is certainly no one more bitter and upset than a middle aged woman with kids and no job who had a provider husband who leaves for a younger woman. Her life is never going to be as good and she’s going to suffer a major decrease in standard of living. But I know of plenty of divorces where there were no kids or the woman either has a good job or is still hot, and in those cases the woman has the time of her life after the divorce. I’ve been divorced more than 5 years and the time since I’ve been divorced has been the best time of my life, and I’m certainly much happier than when I was married. It’s just basically a question of relative status in a relationship and standard of living…if you were married to someone who made your life worse sexually, financially, and with respect to restricted freedom, you’re going to be way happier afterwards. But if your spouse is someone way better than anyone else you could get (ie richer, better looking, etc, than you), you’re going to be bitter and pissed afterwards. Note that the divorced women I know who don’t recover from divorce are not SAD or missing their husbands, they’re MAD and angry that their lives aren’t as good afterwards because now they have less money or have to get jobs. And they’re mad that another woman is getting the guy’s resources when she feels entitled to them. Women who were not married to providers never have this issue.
5. Beer makes you fat, it makes you burp, it makes you have to go to the bathroom constantly, and it bloats your waist. Guys apparently don’t care about that. Liquor does none of those things. So women prefer liquor. And when you drink solely liquor, you develop a tolerance pretty quickly, so yeah, lots of us can drink guys under the table.
I completely disagree that women drink because they have more personal demons to deal with. One of the big reasons people drink is because it makes OTHER people more interesting and enjoyable to be around. Alcohol makes people feel sociable, warm, open, and less inhibited…it literally makes you like other people better, and makes them less boring to you. And lots of guys are very boring and terrible conversationalists…they can’t banter, they aren’t playful, they have nothing to say. This is *especially* true of hot guys, since they get women without having to be interesting. I have an extremely hot FB…the type who random women throw themselves at constantly…and talking to him bores me to tears. There is no way I would hang out with him completely sober, it would be too painful. After a few drinks, he’s more fun and it’s easier for me to tolerate how boring he is. So maybe women drink more because it makes it easier to enjoy themselves around boring/uptight guys. Of course, not all guys are boring/nervous/uptight, but enough of them are that generally, it improves the whole experience for everyone to have a few drinks. Honestly it is amazing to me that you date without drinking at all, but clearly you’re an engaging, interesting person so I guess you don’t need the personality enhancement. Most people do.
6. In my experience, women cheat WAY more, at least prior to age 45. I think you’re right that if a guy is a cheater, he’ll cheat right out of the gate and any time, and that women won’t cheat while in NRE stage (at which point she’ll have no interest in cheating). But ultimately, 99% of people will cheat if they have the right opportunity. Cheating just comes down to (1) options, and (2) consequences if caught. That’s it. The people who are super anti-cheating and think they would never cheat have just never been in a relationship where they have more/better opportunities to cheat than their partner. So women cheat more just because they have more opportunities, generally. In cases where the man has equal or more opportunities, because he is much more high status than the woman or because they are older than 50, the man is more likely to cheat. Basically a person’s chances of cheating are dependent on: (1) how sexy they are (sexier = way more opportunities and way more likely to cheat), and (2) how dire the consequences are of getting caught (if getting caught means social or financial ruin, one is much less likely to cheat). A hot woman with her own money who lives in a liberal culture that won’t ostracize her for cheating has almost a 0% chance of being faithful after NRE fades. A hot woman who is economically dependent on her man or who will be ostracized will be faithful unless she is completely positive of not getting caught. An ugly woman probably won’t cheat. I literally do not know a single hot woman who has never cheated, except in cases where she doesn’t work at all and has children with a man who completely supports her. Most hot women are bigtime cheaters. Of course, that is socially taboo and most women will never admit it unless they are sure the person they tell won’t judge them and there won’t be negative repercussions to their reputation.
Once a woman’s sexual desirability fades she of course becomes much less likely to cheat, and — big shocker — also develops a simultaneous philosophy of being vehemently against infidelity. Most of the people I know who are appalled at the idea of infidelity simply don’t have any good opportunities, or are with a partner who they know has better opportunities than they have.
7. I’m not sure that what you’re referring to actually constitutes a relationship “mistake” (even though people love to bitch and blame after a breakup and may refer to things that way). In your example, a girl keeps going out with guys who are liars. Well, people who are liars are also usually charming, socially adept, exciting, and fun to be around. They create a constant exciting fantasy. So she’s just a girl that likes that bullshitter personality type. It may be more enjoyable to her to continually break up with charming liars than to hang out with a more boring, reliable, reality-based guy. She may prefer the fantasy.
Or, in my case, my “type” is laid back, fairly passive, open-minded creative/intellectual types. That’s who I enjoy being around and spending time with and the personality type I feel comfortable with. These relationships always eventually break up because of sexual boredom, and that’s kind of an inherent feature of being with a laid back, non-domineering dude who will eventually become like your brother. But it’s not exactly a “mistake” because I simply can’t enjoy myself spending time (outside the bedroom) with an aggressive, intense man’s man type — I don’t like that personality type. Therefore if you think women are more likely to repeat their “mistakes” than men, I’d say that perhaps men just don’t care as much about personality. Every single personality type has strengths and weaknesses, so if you have a “type” you like, you’re going to encounter the same problems time and again. But if you have a clear preference for type, that’s better than dealing with the different kinds of problems you’ll encounter with a personality you don’t feel as comfortable with. If men seem more fluid with their types and seem to improve upon problems, it may just be that they don’t care as much about getting along with a woman’s personality and therefore can switch it up more easily. But like I said, I don’t know that it’s really true “improvement” because every personality type comes with its own set of problems.
In sum, the common thread underlying all of my answers above is basic economics…rewards and punishments. People do what’s rewarding to them and avoid punishment. A lot of people have a limited understanding of their options because they’re socially influenced and only see a narrow band of options that conventional society presents them with, so they may not make optimal decisions. But everyone tries to get as much and as good as they think they can get in return for suffering as little consequences as possible. In cases where this doesn’t seem true it’s usually just because of a bias or misconception that leads people to make an incorrect calculation, not because the person is actually motivated by something other than this basic formula.
There’s almost too much to respond to here, but you make some great points. I agree with most of them (though not all).
You will have to forgive me here as I’m new, I’m just wondering if ever date is calculated? Thoughtthrough before even arriving there? It seems like a lot of thinking even almost work for something that should be enjoyable.
Pre-planned is a better word than calculated. If a man wants maximum odds of getting to sex quickly (and do so conducive to a long-term nonmono relationship), then yeah, he needs to pre-plan this stuff.
If he goes in there with no plan and just wings it, his odds of success are much lower. That’s what most guys do and why most guys don’t succeed with women.
Just like if a woman shows up to a first date dressed like crap and not wearing any makeup. She has to pre-plan for success, just like we’re doing.
I can’t speak for other men, but my first dates are enjoyable, but whats really enjoyable is the success of the second date, when we have sex, and beyond the third date, when she becomes a long-term FB or MLTR.
Success is VERY enjoyable.