You Don’t Know What You Want
This is one of the most important articles I will ever write. If you get what I’m about to say, it will change your life.
I’m going to give you three examples of something you probably had no idea existed.
Example One
Many years ago, I once consulted with a consulting company (yes, that’s right, a consulting company hired a consultant; it happens all the time). During a meeting with the two owners of the firm, two crusty, cantankerous old bastards, I laid out three different options they had for an upcoming project we were going to work on.
They quickly got irritated, and said, “Caleb, look. Every time we ask you to do something, you come to us with two or three different options. You lay out the pro’s and con’s of each option and give us your recommendations, but leave the decision up to us.”
I said, “Yes, that’s exactly right. That’s exactly how I do business. I’m here to advise, not to decide. I don’t own your company. You do. I can give you all the options, lay out all of them in detail, and give you my recommendations, but you have to make the final decision. Right?”
“Wrong,” they said, “We don’t want all these options. It just confuses us and wastes time. From now on, when we issue you a project need, we want you to just TELL US what to do. No options. No analysis. Just say, ‘This one thing is what you must do, period, end of story.’ Okay?”
I argued with them for a bit, saying that wasn’t how I did business, unless they wanted to hand me over a significant percentage of stock in their firm, which of course they were not willing to do. Eventually, I let them talk me into it.
A few weeks later they came to me with another project, and during our meeting, I did exactly as they instructed. I gave them one thing to do, and told them they should do that, and nothing else.
They hated my idea and fired me three days later.
Example Two
During my first “real” full-time job in the corporate world as a very young man, I worked for a large software company (now long gone) called Central Point Software. Our main software product was a DOS utility (remember DOS?) called PC Tools. I was on a (temporary) market research team involved in asking our customers what they liked and didn’t like about our product.
Our customers generally liked the product, but they had one big complaint that came up over and over again; it was too complicated. They overwhelmingly said that there was “too much” to the product, that it had “too many options,” and that the overwhelming number of choices and aspects to the product made it confusing to use.
After processing the results, management had us go back to those same customers who had this complaint. We asked them one simple question. “What parts of the product would you like us to take out, in order to make it less confusing for you?”
Almost all of them responded, “Take something out? What the hell? Don’t take ANYTHING out! Why would you take something out?!?”
Example Three
Top 40 music radio stations constantly advertise “more variety” in their music, yet they don’t actually give you any variety. They just repeat the same small number of songs over and over again.
You might already know this, but you don’t know why. Top 40 music radio stations have a secret.
The number one complaint from listeners of Top 40 radio stations is that there’s too much repetition in the music. So, many stations will try to include more variety. Every time they do this, they lose listeners. People hate the variety and stop listening, and the radio station loses money in ad revenue.
Whenever the radio stations go back to repeating the same crap over and over again, listenership goes up. And people start complaining again.
So today, Top 40 radio stations constantly advertise “more variety” when in fact, they repeat the same crap over and over again. They’re just reacting to irrational customers who demand something they don’t actually want.
You Don’t Know What You Want
You think you know what you want, but you probably don’t.
What you think you want might actually be a false construct in your irrational mind, placed there by various sources, such as:
- False Societal Programming
- Obsolete Biological Wiring
- Chemical and/or hormonal imbalances in your body you aren’t even aware of
- Trauma from past experiences or relationships
- The need to impress your parents or peers
- Neediness and/or perhaps oneitis for another person or people (especially lovers, family members, or children)
- Your fears
These things are not you. You are not your Societal Programming, your hormones, your fears, your trauma, your parents, or whatever. They are powerful influencers, but they are not you. You are you.
Therefore, if what you think you want is coming from any of these sources, they’re really not coming from you. They’re coming from them.
That’s bad. That won’t make you happy, at least not in the long-term.
I Didn’t Know What I Wanted, Either
In my book I describe the story about how I thought I wanted to be legally, monogamously, traditionally married, have a traditional, picket fence lifestyle, own a “big company” with a building with my name on it with lots of employees, and live in a gigantic house.
For most of my 20’s I thought I wanted this stuff and worked very hard to achieve it, and largely did.
Just one problem. I didn’t want any of that stuff. My influencing factors wanted it, but I didn’t.
I did actually want kids, but Societal Programming incorrectly told me the only way to do this was to get legally monogamously married to a woman and live with her for 20 years or more. But I never wanted to get legally married. I never wanted to get monogamous. I spent most of my late teens and early 20’s making fun of guys I knew who had monogamous girlfriends or wives. Hell, at the time, I didn’t even want to move in with a woman.
Yet, I wasn’t aware of any of this. I instead thought I wanted to get married like everyone else. And I was wrong. False Societal Programming had done a number on me, as it does to everyone.
I thought I wanted a big company with a big building with my corporate logo on it, full of employees. This was because Societal Programming, my own Alpha Male 1.0 father, and my own insecurities all said that was what a “real” “successful” entrepreneur had.
I was consumed with Alpha Male 1.0 programming that said a “successful” man and a true Alpha was a “LEADER OF MEN!” A successful business owner has a shitload of employees who look up to him and follow his command. A successful businessman has a big building he can point to and say, “SEE? THAT IS MINE! I BUILT THAT!” That’s success!!!
I bought into all of this. I thought I wanted it. Except I really didn’t. I just wanted to make a great six-figure income on the least amount of hours worked per week. Employees weren’t the goal. A building wasn’t the goal. The money was the goal, as was the lifestyle.
But, I didn’t know any of that. Instead, I followed the Alpha Male 1.0 business model of being a leader, hiring a bunch of employees, and growing a business to as huge as possible. I did it… and it didn’t make me happy. What I thought I wanted was not what I really wanted.
It wasn’t until my early 30’s when I sat down and consciously cleaned out all of my influencers from my mind.
- I had to remove Societal Programming.
- I had to remove what my parents, friends, and peers wanted for me.
- I had to remove what my outdated caveman biology wanted.
- I had to remove what my fears and past failures wanted.
- I had to remove what Hollywood had brainwashed me to want.
- I had to remove what my political leanings wanted.
I had to clean all of the garbage out of my brain so I could finally get to what I wanted.
It was hard. I remember sitting in front of my laptop on that sunny day at the park, a blank Microsoft Word document on the screen, as I squeezed my eyes shut and tapped my own head, trying to get all of this bullshit out to let my true desires in. Finally, I got there, and I started writing out what I wanted.
When I was done writing it all, I was amazed. What I really wanted looked almost nothing like what I thought I wanted. I didn’t want a traditional wife at all; I wanted to have sex with whomever I wanted, even if I was in love with one special person. I didn’t want a traditional business at all; I just wanted to work from home, whenever I felt like it, with no employees, travel whenever I wanted, and make shitloads of money from wherever I worked, anywhere in the world.
I was stunned. It was like meeting myself for the very first time.
From there, I made plans, set goals, and started formulating my Mission.
That was about 13 years ago. Since then, I have worked on what I wanted, knowing with 100% certainty it was what I wanted and not what I thought I wanted.
My life not only turned around completely, but now I live a life that is so wonderful that I still, honesty, can’t believe how great it is sometimes. Instead of a pathetic beta male life or a tedious Alpha Male 1.0 life, I live an Alpha 2.0 life. I’m nonmonogamous and have sex with whomever I wish, even while able to maintain long-term, serious relationships with women. Working from home whenever I feel like it, I work far less hours and make far more money than I ever did when I had the Alpha 1.0 “big company” with employees and crap. My income and lifestyle is location independent, so I can travel to anywhere in the world literally whenever I want without having to worry about any loss of income.
Because I’ve operated on what I want instead of what I think I want, I am literally the happiest man I know, and I know hundreds of men.
People Don’t Know What They Want
The reason the divorce rate is so high, the reason people keep voting for politicians they hate, the reason half the population is on drugs, and the reason most people are chronically unhappy is because they don’t know what they want.
Oh, they think they know what they want. They’ll vehemently defend what they think they want. They’ll scream to the rooftops that they want to get traditionally married someday, or that they want single payer health care, or that they want to build a wall, or that they want to get rich, or that they want children, or that they want to bang 100 women, or whatever. But, they actually don’t want any of those things. None of those things will make them happy.
It’s because they have not sat down with their own minds and ruthlessly dissected what they want vs. what their influencing forces want. They think they know what they want, but they actually have no idea.
This likely applies to you, especially if you’re under the age of 40 (but even if you’re not). You don’t know what you want. You just know what your influencing factors want. What you want is probably something very different.
Get to work on your own mind. Find out what you want.
When you finally uncover it, you might be very surprised.
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This is exactly what I want to say(a little) about your book. In your book you describe THE PRISON as something outside, somewhat influencing and not in our control.
But when you dig deeper, the real prison is inside, The Prison is YOU.
We must first understand, we are not what our thought.
As a young man, I knew what I wanted and got it all, just as I had envisioned and planned so many years ago.
However, I got sidetracked along my journey by all the things I was told to want, told to be, and told to achieve. Despite my goals, I still carried around a lot of societal programming. I’ve spent the last few years successfully ridding myself of all that. I’m now one selfish bastard!
Now as an “old” man, my question is now, “What ELSE do I want?”
That one is even harder to answer.
Ha! Your examples remind me of the men’s group I used to run. Once in a while I’d ask what changes they’d like to make to the group, and many said “more structured discussions and events”. Within a month of developing structured discussions, and organizing events, the people who complained were the ones that left!
You mention finding out what you want by writing… But did you have a process to this, such as asking yourself if XYZ desire is due to SP, peer pressure, etc? Repeating it for all the things you think you want to make sure it’s real and not BS?
Hello, I bought your book and while I havent really finished reading it, alot of what I read gave me “aha!” moment, especially the business and mission aspect.
I however, have a concern/question. I am married way before knowing all these redpill manosphere stuff, and I know you said countless times monogamous marriage doesnt work, and luckily for me, we are asians from a small asian country and she and I havent cheated on other yet and hopefully dont. We do have our ups and downs and drama, and while I learn more bout maintaining frame and stuff, how do you see your book in helping married men in achieving happiness of alpha 2.0?
Definitely these kind of articles are the most important ones. They encompass everything if you get the meaning. Once you figure out what you really want and don’t give a damn about what people think you are most than 50% on your way to OI. The rest is the income and getting laid. Really.
If you are poor with no job and you figure out your main desire is to own a lambo and you don’t want marriage or kids, I’m sure you will really get there and brush away with ease every obstacle you are getting from SP. Figuring out yourself and what you really want is one damn powerful skill.
When you don’t know what you want you will waste years, money and energy in the wrong direction.
I once heard the statement “You become an adult on the day you realize that everything you learned in High School was wrong.”
The trouble with cleaning out all the externally implanted stuff in your head is that is that most people will complain that it’s too hard to do the work necessary and lose the comfort zone of not having to make the necessary decisions to be really happy. Plus, they lose the support of those around them that are always seeking validation for the way they lead THEIR lives.
@theblurrrr
“Plus, they lose the support of those around them that are always seeking validation for the way they lead THEIR lives.”
Ain’t that the truth. One of the toughest parts of changing your life, unplugging from the matrix, etc… is that few people will truly support you. They’ll accuse you of just going through a phase, being bitter/angry/jaded/cynical, mid-life crisis if you’re older or just call you an asshole for living your own life. That’s why most people never try to do this or fall back into old patterns since it’s the path of least resistance in society.
The good news is once you make changes, you will attract and retain people that get it and support you. Just have to be prepared to upset and offend the old guard. You will most definitely lose some people in your life but the long term payoff is huge.
Great post today BD-very important for all men to read.
Good article, I’d find it helpful to have some guidance on what you recommend as a process for determining what I truly want as I am definitely struggling with this for a while. I’ve done therapy, meditation, some journaling, trying to be as introspective as possible but still feel a bit lost.
Bookmarked. This should be required reading.
Very well said. You’re absolutely right.
More or less. My process was pretty clumsy since I was new at it, but what you’re saying is more or less what I did. I would ask myself what I wanted, and I would get a sudden answer. Then I would say “Okay, do I want that, or it is something I was somehow told to want?”
A married man cannot be Alpha Male 2.0 unless his marriage is at least semi-open where he’s allowed to have sex with other women, at least under certain conditions. Get this book.
The good news is that if you’re from an Asian country, married women there are accustomed to married men sleeping around; it’s an accepted necessary evil in Asian cultures. The Alpha 2.0 husband is just a little more honest about it.
(FYI – The “Chinese Alpha Male 2.0” book is on the drawing board. I can’t write the entire thing though, so it will take time.)
Heh. And I already knew that while I was in high school. I still remember sitting in the back of the classroom, listening to my teachers, thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
As I talk about in my book, one of the Six Societal Values is social validation. As I said in that book, the Alpha 2.0 doesn’t get quite as much social validation as the beta (or even the Alpha 1.0). That’s the price you pay for long-term consistent happiness and an amazing life that other men wish they had.
As an Alpha 2.0 in a room full of normal people, you will be the happiest man in the room, and you will live the best life of anyone in the room, but you probably won’t be the most respected person in the room. If what other people think of you is so important that you can’t stand that, you’ll have to settle for the usual up-and-down unhappiness as a beta male or Alpha Male 1.0. The choice is yours.
Anyone tried Jordan Peterson’s ‘Future Authoring’ program? Seems like a tool for a job. I haven’t tried it yet but it’s my homework for my holiday next week.
I’d be very interested to learn how to dig into what I think I want and how to know the source… So easy to fool ourselves.
IMO this is the crux when it comes to finding out what you truly want. The other things on that list, compared against this, can be dealt with easily.
To do this, you need to determine what works and what doesn’t work and for many that could take a lifetime, especially in this day and age where we are overwhelmed by shallow opportunity everywhere.
We need more discussion on this, both on BD’s blogs as well as in the Alpha 2.0 community.
Finding out what you truly want does not take place overnight, and its very easy to just bend to the will of someone else, use their desires to determine your desires, then you’re back at square one.
My problem is, it seems like with women it’s better not to try than to try. I guess then you’re more outcome independent and you might get better reactions. But that’s no answer. Then you’re very passive and things happen very slowly. Maybe that could be another “meta” blog post.
Are you sure that being outcome independent = being passive?
@Michal
RE: Jordan Peterson’s Self Authoring Program. Yes, this was exactly what popped into my mind when BD mentioned writing out what his real desires were.
I’m in the process of completing it now. It will be interesting to see what, if any, effect it will have
“You are you.”
Dude, please don’t talk about stuff you’re not qualified to talk about. You obviously have no idea how human existence works. To say that your hormones and trauma experiences are not what governs a person is typical motivational speaker talk that means nothing and is flat out wrong. Newsflash: every human is governed by two things and two things alone – DNA and life experiences. Every action is a reaction governed by those. That’s it. The *I* is an illusion, and anyone knowledgeable in the matter will say so unless they’re deluded by religion and claim they have a soul. Again, you come across as very amateur when you talk about a subject matter you know nothing about. But your readers won’t realize it anyway.
Here’s info to help clear up your misunderstanding: https://www.quora.com/Is-the-self-an-illusion
@ Ralph
What most people are not aware of is that we still know very little about the brain.
You are one of those guys who wants to talk about determinism or nihilism but know that those two topics are forever banned from this blog (read this for the reasons), so you’re trying to sneak around the issue by saying I don’t know how “existence works.” I’ll indulge you for this comment, but if you even imply that you’re talking about nihilism or determinism your comments will be deleted.
Correct, and life experiences can be further broken down into the categories I listed (Societal Programming, wanting to impress your dad, your fears (which are also learned), etc). You and I are saying the same thing, just using different words.
Yes, clearly you are the smartest person here.
I think what BD is saying is that regardless of the aspects of this subject that are banned on this blog, there are parts of the forces that govern you that are less worthy than others for you to identify with (and call that “you”). Our minds are constantly being parasitized by ideas and desires that fool us into thinking they’re part of us and into passionately defending them, like SP and OBW; the idea isn’t that we should purge everything – because as Ralph was implying, theoretically there would be nothing left strictly speaking – , but at least you can spare yourself a lot of unnecessary trouble when you purge some of these things, getting closer and closer to a more relevant core of your personality (which will still be part nature part nurture of course) that is more worthy of being called “you” and that has more chances of leading you to happiness if you follow what that “you” wants.
You folks can google Memetics for an interesting take on this.
Ralph, if those are the only things that govern you, than you need to see a therapist.
I think this is one thing I did semi alright. I dropped out of college to go on tour with a band. It was a blast. After that I got into commercial video production. I enjoyed that for years. Now I just want to make enough money to take care of my dad as he ages. More travel, language learning, and adventures with new women are always welcome too.
I dont think I ever did things that I didnt enjoy. Maybe artistic people pay less attention to societal programming? Although I wish I would have taken my uncles advice and opened an investment Roth ira about a decade earlier haha.
Becoming aware of “the prison” in an articulated, cogent fashion is what unplugged me. I knew for decades something was wrong. I just couldn’t articulate it as me.
Calebs Alpha 2.0 is a all in, imersive program. You many not be able to do it because of your personal reasons. Try anyway, you’ll have great insight to what you want and don’t want.
Greatest $9 I ever spent. My divorce cost me $750,000 to give her $53k and I got a couple thousand. Thanks California. And thanks Catholic Church for telling me this is how to live your life.
I’m sick, angry, and tired. But I’m better. And I know the changes are enhancements.
Empowering.
Michal, what else governs you? Please enlighten me of these other mystical forces
Gil Galad, yes, you seem to understand this stuff better than most but you’re still missing a key component: there is nothing that is more worthy of being called the core “you.” It’s all just a compounded algorithm that manifests itself as the “you” at any particular moment. It’s constantly fluctuating and being pulled this way and that way. BD himself has talked about making concessions with his OTR (not having sex at his place, etc). These fluctuations will occur until you die.
BD, thank you. I know I am likely the smartest person here when it comes to these topics, as most of the red pill crowd wouldn’t dare venture too far into them. Gil Galad is refreshingly almost there.
This site is about self-improvement and happiness. Part of being happy means you need to be a bit pragmatic about what you choose to identify with – because unless you want to go full monk, which I don’t, you’re gonna need a “self” to identify with regardless of whether it’s illusory; money and traffic lights are pure constructions too and yet they’re pretty damn useful.
This is actually reminding me of when someone on this blog explained a facet of Ayn Rand’s worldview, saying that a Randian isn’t being inconsistent at all when he (for eg) saves a person from drowning; it’s just that rather than doing that as a “generous” or altruistic act, he’s doing it because it is in tune with the image of himself that he is comfortable with and has decided to entertain and stick to. We don’t need to solve messy existential problems if happiness is the goal; we just need to analyze the various forces that govern us and identify those least conducive to happiness; that’s the baggage that needs to go. And since most people actually want to be happy, the core that remains once you did that purging may be as close as one can get to an acceptable definition of “you” and what “you” really want. The rest doesn’t matter in this context; if we were specifically discussing philosophy then of course it’d be different.
You are absolutely right.
However, I know exactly what I want. I just do not know how to get it.
They certainly aren’t immune to it, but it’s likely they’re a little less susceptible to it, sure, that might be possible.
Finding out how is the easy part. Read the web sites, read the books, take the time and do the research, and you’ll find out.
Game report :
I was unable to clamp down on my SP to do the beta bait.
I am meeting a woman who was a friend in the past and we reconnected. It is not clear that the interaction is romantic but I want it to be, since she is still a 9 and no other 9 has had this much of a personality. The first meeting, in a coffee shop went well. A lot of kino, and she lost track of time (when she checked the time, she was like “Oh, it is late!”). I did not go for a kiss.
For the second date, she contacted *me* about going on a hike this Saturday, which we talked about a bit on the first date. I did want to go on the hike anyway, so didn’t think going on it was a problem. But on my way there, she texted me about getting water bottles because she ran out. I ignored it, pretending to forget. But after I picked her up, she requested that I stop and get her a bottle of water. Now, this is beta bait, just doing what she requests. I ‘know’ better, but I didn’t realize that before I was already 10 seconds in to complying with her request. I passed the first time only to fail the second time when I was with her in person.
I actually parked the car at the store she pointed to, and got her the water bottle while she stayed in the car. Bad, bad, bad. I started hating myself 10 seconds in, after realizing what I had done.
The rest of the hike was okay… Mostly platonic conversation and little escalation, perhaps since I already wrecked my frame.
The problem is that even when one knows that complying with her request is wrong, the SP is so high that I have agreed to it before I realize that I fell into the trap. A lot of practice will make passing this sort of situation easy, but I just don’t get that many opportunities and hence don’t get the practice.
Oneitis.
Who’s fault is that?
Gil Galad, this is a fallacy based on semantics:
It’s this old story: “Everyone is selfish. If you do something to help others you do it because it makes you feel good, so you are just being selfish.”
The “feel good” from doing good for others, restraining your own desire for rest etc when you do so, is definitely not the same “feel good” that you get from indulging your own desires. It’s just a limitation in the language that gives both the same words.
So yes, a Randian IS inconsistent when he helps other people. Rand’s “Objectivism” was based entirely on selfishness. It was a misreading of Adam Smith’s theory about the Invisible Hand, which states that the market will adjust by itself due to the many decisions of consumers and producers. Rand took from this that selfishness is always good. Her fallacy being: “You don’t rely on the butcher’s good will when he sells you quality meat, but his selfishness. The beauty of the market is that it works because of selfishness.”
The beauty of the market is that it works DESPITE selfishness. Change that word and the whole story changes. Rand was, by the way, a hypocrite and a liar. She wrote in the preface to Atlas Shrugged that she came to America “without expecting any help nor receiving any.” False: She was helped by relatives, and then she was given a job in a wardrobe in Hollywood despite not knowing the language. It is funny that she wrote so much about “moochers” when she financially supported her lover for so many years. And that she wrote about “mysticism” when her followers developed a mystic cult around her. They would, for example, make an effort to live in her apartment building and the one next to it, just to be near her deified person. Her husband changed his name to Branden, throwing around the letters from Hebrew “Ben Rand”, son of Rand: an act of symbolism that is mysticism, Rand’s prime target. She also required her followers to smoke, because “the smoke symbolizes the fire in the brain”, also symbolism, therefore mysticism. The real reason was of course that Rand herself liked to smoke.
I digress. The point being that Rand was full of manure, and didn’t know the first thing about economics. She perverted the anti-communist argument. It is worth noting that she hated libertarians – and anyone who didn’t worship her theories EXACTLY. She “purged” her movement in New York at a higher rate than communist cults purged their ranks, no small feat. You could be purged for listening to classical music that she didn’t like, such as Mozart, which was therefore “mysticism”. Make no mistake, she would have hated you.
This is so true:
I have often sought out activities that people around me didn’t think of. When it is time for a family gathering the main topic is the relatives present and absent, and it’s all about: who found a boyfriend or girlfriend, who is getting married or has been married for X years, who is thinking of having children or more children, who is going on vacation where, who is renovating the home, who is doing what with his garden.
All of this is certainly important in my view, but not very interesting in a conversation. It is something I prefer to just note and then move on. My interest has always lied elsewhere. It was like that in college too I recall; I felt little interest for the vapid discussions. Not that I sat there acting superior to those around me, but I still didn’t feel interested in most things people found interesting. But I did have a lot of interests. I just had to find the specific people who enjoyed the specific interests.
Blackdragon,
The sentence was meant to say ‘She is still a 9, and I haven’t met 9s where I have this much of a personality fit’.
I am not sure if that is Oneitis, or just actual scarcity of 9s who are sufficiently smart. I don’t think about her that much when she is not around..
So, is it fatal to the eventual that I complied and got a water bottle? Or is the greater problem not enough escalation?
___________________________________
Some people just don’t get as many opportunities. They are over 40, or in a less ideal city and have too many tie-ups to easily move, or just don’t have the energy anymore. Online dating may be the solution to that problem, to some extent, but I haven’t had much luck there either.
That is not what you said. You said, and I quote, no other 9 has had this much of a personality.
It’s oneitis or a false scarcity mentality, both of which are bad, dumb, and factually inaccurate. “Most 9’s don’t have good personalities” is a false belief.
A thing is not “smart” if it reduces your long-term happiness.
That wasn’t the only thing you did wrong.
The greater problem is oneitis/scarcity. As soon as you think that this girl is Different From All The Rest™, your outcome independence and your game immediately take a huge hit no matter what you logically “know” you need to do.
They can if they want. That’s a choice, not a static condition.
And here come the excuses…
I’m 45, and overweight, and I could literally fill my calendar with dates right now if I wanted.
Excuses number 11, 12, 13, and 16 here.
Excuse number 14 here.
9 ways to increase energy here.
Get my book. Everything you need is in there.
But my all means, keep making excuses. I’m sure they’ll make you very happy and fulfilled.
BD,
OK, I am willing to consider getting your book. Even if such a book causes just 1% improvement in one’s life, it is worth the ~$50.
There appear to be many of your books that overlap, though. What is the sequence of books? What is the difference between the $9 book and the other books?
The thing is, I have spent years in Game, and spent a lot of money on various seminars, materials, etc., from others. I fixed a few things (I don’t spend any significant money on women, and can escalate on many women rather well). But overall, just haven’t had the talent to really break through into a level of autopilot momentum. It is not for lack of trying. There is a wide talent spread in terms of who can ramp up on Game easily, and who just can’t seem to become good at it; just like any major skill.
I wish the Game community spent less time convincing the naysayers and more time helping the large pool of them who get it academically, but fail on implementation..
@September Skye: to clarify, I’m not a Randian and I don’t disagree with what you said, I only found the resemblance interesting. But on the other hand, the fact that our every action, including the most “selfless” ones, is globally based on neuronal hedonism (escaping a pain or seeking a pleasure), is entirely incontrovertible. No amount of mental acrobatics can escape this fact; but here’s what someone like Laurent Alexandre said about it: “Just because we are altruists through neurobiological selfishness, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be.”
Correct! I feel the same why when I pay for information myself.
1. The Ultimate Online Dating Manual
2. Get To Sex Fast (coming out in about a week; watch this blog)
3. How to Have and Maintain Open Relationships With Women
4. (Optional) How To Attract and Date Younger Women
The Unchained Man is a generalist book about your entire life. The Blackdragon ebooks are very specific, much more focused, very targeted, step-by-step technical information about how to get laid or maintain nonmono relationships.
Correct, but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve to the point of decent happiness if you devote the time and effort needed.
I have the same problem with losing body fat; I’m not a “natural” at it at all and have to bust my ass. But you don’t see me sitting around making excuses about how I “can’t.” I keep hitting it hard and I’ve improved. A lot.
BD,
OK.
So which earlier teacher did you model some of your material off of? Surely some of the earlier people (whether Ross Jeffries, Mystery, etc.) gave you some food for thought on which you improved.
But if online dating really requires 300-500 outreaches to get laid….well, is that worthwhile then compared to daygame?
In my on-and-off experience with Match.com, I have had about 60 first dates over 3 years, of which 38 were kiss closes (which I assumed one had to do on first dates. You are the first to make the case that one should *not* kiss until you are at either her place or yours). Consequently, of the 38 with kiss closes, only 4 led to sex (this makes it more likely you are right about not kissing on the first date), and these four were middling for this group, not the prettiest. Even then, I had problems with my dick not working properly (another topic you are the first to bring up), and the woman, after two tries, broke up with me (can’t blame her).
____________________________________
It is odd that you would have difficulty with body fat. I have never had that problem (Ectomorph – I couldn’t get fat if I tried). A ketogenic diet has worked in everyone I know, provided they stick to it long-term. A juice fast can also work.
In most places/cities in the US it does take 300-500 openers to get laid. In other places, far fewer, and in some, far more. This is really a matter of location and local guy:girl ratios. Is it worth it compared to daygame? Well, that depends…BD’s openers are mostly canned, so that 300-500 can be done in an hour or so in one night, and possibly set you up for the next week with dates/responses/etc. If you go out during the day for an hour or so, do you have the same results? If not, do you want to be more efficient with your time?
Match.com is not a good place to go. You tend to run into a ton of marriage minded over 33 women/provider hunters/etc. Try okcupid (getting worse, but still better than match) or…I’m not sure which other sites are good nowadays.
Way back then, mostly Paul Janka, but I also used a smattering from Neil Strauss, Mystery, Gunwitch, Player Supreme, Johnny Soporno, and Zan.
Read this.
Correct. You kissed on the first date. That’s a no-no. (Unless you are 100% sure sex is in the bag on that first date). I’m also guessing you focused on women over age 33. Another no-no.
I don’t take fat loss advice from ectomorphs because it’s all KJ. Also read this.
On Okcupid I’ve noticed that using copypaste gets you in trouble; at first I thought I was just having typos but the repetition convinced me: they have some kind of program that slightly alters your messages in weird ways if they were sent using copypaste. I don’t know a way around this (unless I’m dead wrong and those were coincidences), so when I use Okcupid I have to rewrite the opener each time. Gives you the chance to personalize it but wastes a ton of time.
Edit: I may have used the shortcut of copypasting then doing a small edit, but I don’t remember; it’s been a while.
This is a great article, BD.
Thx to your Unchained Man Book, I found my calling and mission in life. I know for sure it’s what I want for my life and feel a rush of motivation everytime I read it.
However, things get tough and reading the mission + my goal list alone (without much social validation from others, a price we have to pay, like you said above) doesn’t give me enough motivation and energy to go through the hard days anymore.
Could you please write an article about how an Alpha 2.0 keep pulling himself, being motivated day by day without social validation, especially in tough time?
Great post. I mean, the high-level stuff.
Nitpicky, but the “old tech-illiterate Grandpa doesn’t know what he wants the anti-virus/ software utility to do — he doesn’t understand shit about computers, but is afraid of ‘the malwares’ and Russians” and the general idea behind technology to make it pretty much thoughtless/ simple + yet have flashy colors and “the GBs” can fill an entire book and is a billion dollar industry.
I’ll have to go through your exercises though.
I want a business empire
I have several podcasts on that in my membership program and I like to keep the “big” topics over there, but I’ll consider it.
Absolutely. The elites are quite adept at using people’s ignorance about what they want to further their own ends.
Fortunately I stopped caring about society about 15 years ago so I don’t care. 🙂
I physically type out all my icebreakers on OKC and change up all my icebreakers, makes it more fun. I couldn’t imagine the monotony of copy and pasting the same icebreaker to hundreds of chicks on OKC. To each their own I suppose.
I do it by just humoring what my peers say, without ever taking them too seriously. Even with my folks its like this. You have to learn to be just selfish enough to where you don’t need to rely on anyone to take care of you and just selfless enough to where your peers don’t see you as an uncaring prick. Being aware of all this stuff and being direct with your peers is also important.
If we are talking online dating, I used to send girls a message that was like an ad for an accomplice for a bank robbery. Smoothly including where I would like to go on a date (mentioned as the place where we’d divide the loot). The description of tools and planning for the bank robbery was reminiscent of the Beagle Boys. I got more replies on that one than anything else, many thought it was hilarious: for example, “That definitely stands out from the crowd!” and, “Not so good with explosives but could I drive the getaway car?” Then when I replied to the reply I would half keep up the joke, but also ask about something else, and then the third message would be normal.
I still have the message saved, but you’ll have to forgive me for not showing it, as I might want to use it again sometime and don’t want it to show up in search engines. But there should be other ways to write a funny message. Talking about a trying sea voyage, maybe? You’re the captain looking for crew. “Must be able to sew sails and peel potatoes.” Most girls enjoy replying to inquiries about how good they are in the kitchen, it gives them a chance to shine or to make jokes.
There are of course girls who don’t like this kind of humor, but I prefer girls who do.
Did the same hold true for the number of first dates?
Another article that gets to the heart of things BD.
I’ve been reflecting on this question for the last few months. I felt I was aiming for more than I needed or wanted to live an Alpha 2.0 life. I whittled down my goals, code, mission to reflect that.(a few months ago)
So this week, I did it again after reading this article. I asked myself this question and wrote down the non – SP, OBW, 6SV, etc. answers(consulted a few of your articles on the topic and the Unchained Man)
The result?All I want fits on a notecard.
I was pleasantly surprised, no lie. Reminds me of what my Dad told me recently:
“You don’t need much to live a great life apart from enough money and good health.” and “Start a business”
My Grandfather put it differently:
“As long as I can afford a beer daily and I have a place to sleep i’m more than content.”
I felt I was close, with my mission, code and the like BD, this exercise got me hovering right over the “X” so to speak. Once again, thanks!!!!!
.
It held true for getting women to look at my profile at all, which is the point in writing. A girl flooded with posts won’t look at all the profiles, but she would look at mine. So yes, I don’t doubt it increased my success. But as I didn’t waste time writing an ordinary message first for a few weeks just so I could compare, I can’t show any scientific notes on the matter.
blackdragon did you read this, i think you will like it…
An over-33 woman hates dating and men prefer younger women. Duh. Not sure why you thought I would consider that interesting.
It seems to me doing things based on the need to impress one’s peers affects women more often than men. True?
Truth. It’s an art form. I’ve always maintained that you have to be at least semi-sociopathic to be a politician or an executive at a large company.
True, but that’s not saying much. Men do this constantly.
Not in the environments I’ve been around. Nearly every dude I come in contact with is a try-hard who wants to impress everyone around them so they can be sure that their dick is big enough.
I have a feeling that is more perception than reality.
Good points, BD. That’s what I have needed to do for years.
@Gil Galad:
I disagree. People do things that bring them pain and take away pleasure, in order to help others. To say that “then that means that’s what gives them pleasure” is, like I wrote earlier, just a limitation in language. The “pleasure” felt when helping others at a cost to yourself is simply noting in your mind that you did something good, and is definitely not the same as the pleasure you get from selfish stimulation. It’s not like people feel, “I wish I could get pleasure from resting and eating and spending money on myself, but dammit, my nerves are wired in such a way that I only get pleasure from helping others!” No one has nerves that way. The unselfish person is not taking the easy path that he could have taken to sense pleasure. Saying that the unselfish are really selfish is sophistry meant to justify a speaker’s selfishness. Better to just be honest about one’s goals instead.
Why is this even a discussion? It’s been obvious for all time and around the world that there is a difference between selfishness and unselfishness. When something was acknowledged by every culture on earth unrelated to each other, it’s probably true.
@September Skye: you disagree that when someone does something selflessly, they are doing it to avoid the pain it would cost them to remain selfish, or seek the pleasure of the selfless act ? Sorry, but you’re just being irrational here. Like I said, no amount of mental acrobatics can dodge this.
And it’s a complete non sequitur to point out that selfishness and unselfishness are obviously “not the same”; you’re evading the real point. That aside, I’d rather not discuss this further because we’re steadily drifting toward the whole free will thing, which is off limits on this blog.
I assume you discuss about how to achieve this in your Alpha 2.0/unchained man book? Because to tell you the truth, THIS is what I want as well from the bottom of my heart. I don’t care about fame or any of that Alpha 1.0 mumbo jumbo you mentioned either. I just want to make as much money as I can while having as much free time to enjoy myself. unfortunately,I don’t know how to really achieve this,but I assume you provide the necessary information in your book? (I also recall you saying elsewhere that you know plenty of “idiots/not-so-smart people” who make a ton of dough. I assume they just happen to be doing something right that they aren’t consciously aware of. if this is the case,perhaps the alpha 2.0 lifestyle isn’t completely out of my reach)
Very important piece of writing that most people will miss trying to find ways to get a nine’s panties off with one try.
A good technique of figuring all this stuff out is to start at the end of your life and then come back to day.
What can you do in the next 30 days that can lead you to the life that you ultimately want to live?
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i know what i want.
shortly before graduating high school, i firmly convinced myself that rules dont exist. legally and socially.
i mean they “exist”. but people created them. its all subjective. i choose what to follow and what not to follow based on what genuinely makes me happy. following most laws makes me happy, but so does doing drugs. following most social rules makes me happy, but so does being sexually open with my female friends. i do this, and its something that people are envious of. it inspires them. both men and women have told me this. the only thing stopping you from doing what you want to do is you.
ive been out of high school for two years, and ive lived the life i know i want. im genuinely happy, and like you, im probably the happiest person i know. i wish everyone could be this happy, so its comforting to know other people like you exist. it is possible to be this happy, and this is how. never change 🙂