Online Dating – How To Deal With The “I Want To Get To Know You First” Excuse
When you’re engaged in online dating, one of the dumbest, and sadly most common excuses women use when you do a date pitch is, “I want to get to know you first.”
This is, of course, stupid. You don’t get to know someone over a fucking dating site or app. The only way you can truly get to know someone is by sitting down and talking to them face-to-face in real life.
I suppose one could argue that you could Skype or FaceTime instead of that, but that isn’t what these women are suggesting either. They just want to waste more of your time by chatting back and forth over the stupid dating site/app.
Saying that you don’t want to meet up with someone because you want to get to know them first is like saying you don’t want to buy a lawnmower because you want to mow the lawn first. It’s just irrational bullshit.
Some women will counter this by saying that what they really mean is that they don’t feel safe, and that the need to “get to know you first” to make sure you’re not a serial rapist or axe murderer. Again, this is stupid because women know damn well that you’re going to meet up in a very public place for the first meet where she will be perfectly safe, not go right over to the guy’s house, all alone in the middle of the night (and yes, there are always exceptions to this).
You need to understand that this excuse is simply that: an excuse. That’s all it is. Don’t pay any attention to it whatsoever other than as an excuse to delay the interaction and waste more of your time. Sometimes women do this as a provider hunter move in order to qualify you as a beta. Other times they do it because they’re just attention whores who have no intention of ever actually meeting you (or any other guy on the site/app) in real life.
It doesn’t matter why she says this. Always ignore what women SAY and only pay attention to what they DO. When you get this excuse, you simply need to proceed with the usual proven dating system I describe here. Just proceed.
Granted, you still need to address that in some way while proceeding with the usual system. If you avoid answering any direct questions or requests when talking to a woman online, your odds of success always go down.
I have had sex with many women over the years who used the “I want to get to know you first excuse” while talking to me online, including in just the last few years. Here’s exactly how I did it:
First, I write back a message that starts with “Sure! I live in such-and-such and I do such-and-such for work. I have two kids and I travel a lot. I work pretty hard but I set my own schedule. For fun I like to…” and give about two more very general sentences about me.
Second, I close the message by saying “Is there anything else you’d like to know?” And then I add, “If you’re comfortable, we could meet up next Monday after work for a quick coffee. Just for about 30 minutes.”
This way, I’m accomplishing the following things all at once:
1. I’m honoring her request for more information and not blowing it off, which would raise red flags.
2. I’m still moving the process forward. The only goal, as always, to all online dating is to get that first date scheduled and make sure it happens. I’ll answer her questions and concerns, but I will not let her delay the process. Otherwise, I’m gone.
3. I’m making the date pitch very light, friendly, safe, and “no big deal.” If she’s giving the bullshit “I need to get to know you first” excuse, the odds are decent that she’s nervous about something and needs a little lighter touch. This is fine as long as you keep moving the process forward.
If you are using a dating app like Tinder or Bumble, the conversation is much more like a texting conversation, so you are free to say something like “What else would you like to know?” and answer a few more of her questions. Just a few. Not many. Don’t get into friend zone!
If you are using a dating site like OkCupid or Seeking Arrangement, do not make the mistake of saying “Okay! What would you like to know?” and then having some big back-and-forth conversation. Doing that will kill your odds. You need to move swiftly.
If, after this exchange, she still gives you more bullshit about wanting to get to know you, it’s time to drop her and move on. Trust me, she has no interest in actually seeing you (or if she does, she’s not going to have sex with you quickly). Send her a final message saying, “I completely understand. If you change your mind, just hit me up. It was really nice chatting with you!” and then move on.
By the way, the above technique assumes that you’re doing everything else correctly as I describe in the Ultimate Online Dating Manual, such as your photos are as best as you can get them, you’re not being negative or too sexual in your online banter, your openers aren’t too long, and so on. Doing the above will not cure anything else you’re doing wrong, it will only improve your results if you’re doing everything else correctly.
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This would be all easier if women that use this type of response just stop leading guys on if they have no interest. This contributes to the undermining of the credibility of online dating as a legitimate means of meeting people for both sexes. The negative experience’s in particular dating apps has on sections of the public in Great Britain is now mainstream news there: See link below:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-46836938/dating-apps-what-are-they-doing-to-our-mental-health
I hardly remember the last time women have given me this line. I have a pretty thorough bio, so if they if they balk with this excuse I next them immediately, since I already answered their question and they’re being lazy and/or trying to come up with some way not to meet.
I expect these types to eventually say they’re “tired” or some other BS, and therefore and have high flake rates IMO. These days I don’t even bother with these types unless it’s convenient location and time, so I can whip out a laptop and start working at the coffeeshop when they flake.
The last several women I’ve dated (and slept with) have given me NO resistance when asked on a “chat over coffee”, straight from the 1st or 2nd message.
I rarely get this response, and when I do I just tell them I like to get to know them in person and then leave the conversation if she doesn’t comply, I don’t have time for this nonsense.
However, I am moving away gradually from online dating to other methods, because of the bad experience. Not with the online itself but the women I have met there had in general way worse attitudes and mentalities than what I have experienced from any other method. I had a feeling they consider the men they meet there second category and treat them accordingly (or it is just the type of woman that uses that?) either way, I got this confirmed by both male and female friends when discussing they’re own views and experiences. That is at least true for apps, actual proper sites might be different, but I do not have much experience there.
Hey BD, any idea how to stop giving any provider beta vibes online whatsoever? Like how to structure my online profile and how to text and pitch a meet so then know that it is all about sex and good times and that’s about it?
Dating in general would be easier for men if women did X and stopped doing Y. But whatever the reason – societal, biological: you’re not gonna change it in your lifetime and if you somehow did, you probably missed a lot of fun in the meantime – , women are going to run their routine no matter what. Our job isn’t to prevent that, or even to understand that, but to know what routine of our own can get us where we want to get without “demanding” anything or “lecturing” women, which wouldn’t work anyway. Women probably find us puzzling or irritating too, and they too – the happy ones – just shrug and keep zeroing in on whatever it is that they want and that we’re prepared to give.
Men are often baffled by this excuse because no man who is actually interested in smashing the woman he is talking to would ever say such a thing himself. Indeed, frequently I have no care of “getting to know” a woman but JUST want to smash her.
But anyway, back to the stuff here. There is a simple model of women that categorizes them as “green light”, “yellow” or “red.” Green — they are attracted and would/ will sleep with you, provided you’re smooth about it and have logistics handled and don’t phuk it up (aka don’t say “Wanna Bang, sugar tits?”).
There are the reds, which simply aren’t interested, period. Boyfriend, aren’t attracted to you, openly hostile, looking for friendship. You might be able to convert 5% of these, but it isn’t worth the effort. It’s also likely they would never match/ respond you on a dating site anyway, unless by mistake, or to lecture you about something.
Then there are the yellows. They’re mulling it over. On the fence. Feeling you. Etc. I’d say if a woman says “I want to get to know you first” — well the she’s either a weaker yellow or a time-waster red. Actually I would wager they are very likely in the “time waster” category. The one saving grace is if she’s new to online dating and doesn’t know how it works. Yes, it actually is OKAY and NORMAL to meet someone after a few messages back and forth.
If a woman is interested, she will meet you right away. After all, what’s the investment in, a coffee? Very little. Provided you look attractive, safe, and have value in your profile. And can banter a bit on the app. Let’s get real, if she wants dick or even a ring, she’s gonna have to get off her ass for coffee sometime. And “motivated buyers” know that you don’t learn jack dingus about someone online. It’s true. I barely know a woman’s personality until we meet. Some are MUCH chattier, wittier, or bolder online, and become timid clams upon meeting.
“I want to get to know you first” — means she’s not chomping at the bit for you. She’s relatively disinterested. Either she’s juggling multiple guys and you aren’t the Tier 1 “A” plan she’s hunting (phuk that) — or she has zero attraction and wants a “friend” and is yes, friend-zoning you on Tinder. If you’re BD you can probably work to convert her to a “yes” – no harm in sending a few playful messages back. But yeah generally not a good sign.
Oh yea!
This is why I’m a MODE ONE fan. In person a chick can’t do this shit.
FETLIFE I’d say would be an obvious exception to what we are saying given the nature of what that site is like. It should take you a little longer to meet women there to make sure they ain’t psycho.
Listen to BD, he knows what he’s talking about. Every woman that used this excuse on me I never ended up meeting. They bailed from the conversation eventually. It’s merely a beta trap, if you agree with it you lower your own SMV. So just politely say no thanks and move onto the next woman, no matter how hot she might be.
I need to get to know you first = I don’t want to have sex with you
Ive met up with a few of the women who said this by making it clear she needs to meet me fast or Im gone (implied). I don’t remember who exactly it was in each case but I remember a couple and they caused trouble / irrationality later on, so the evidence is pretty clear.
I just had to deal with this some time ago! haha
Gotta read on, this is gonna be good.
Regarding the OP — I actually started doing just what BD recommended. I would just bio-bomb and then ask for the number at the end of the bio-bomb. That seems to work.
slightly OT-
So, I read BD’s article on latinos, and I have to say, after thinking about it, I agree. I didn’t even realize how much drama I’ve internalized as ‘normal,’ which is probably why BD’s system feels so counter-intuitive. It feels good, though, but it’s scary, because the drama just seems so normal and what you have to do when dealing with women.
BD is proven right again…that hot chick sent me like two novel length texts essentially saying she thinks I’m ashamed of her or whatever else, and that she wants to keep seeing me, and that she’s scared, personal feelings, how she thought she found happiness, (just a ‘wowwtf’ text). Apparently, the wording of her earlier text was that she ‘was going to take herself out on a date,’ because she said (again I didn’t respond or comment) that she just went out alone and ate ice cream then went to bed early, and that I guess, this is a thing? Maybe it’s a white woman thing, idk. That was the wording, but idk…I’d be less confused if it had meant what I originally thought it meant — that she just went on a date.
My first instinct was to react and reassure— outside of this strange episode she’s been great, I get along with her really well, sex is good, she’s really hot, blah blah blah, mLTR potential as far as I’m concerned — but I think I’m going to wait a few days to get back to her (I’m categorizing my last text to her as a soft next).
I think I’m going to try and use BD’s chick translator and pick: “You have not asked me to be your girlfriend yet and that disturbs me. Every other man I’ve dated asked me to his girlfriend by the 2nd or 3rd date. What the fuck is your problem? Please get with the program and be my official boyfriend so I can finally relax, stop being nice, and start bossing you around.”
So I’m just gonna turn my interpretation of the situation as far in my favor as possible — that she DID go on some date and that that dude sucked and she realizes that I have the ability to more or less leave her alone.
Juggling multiple fbs, fwbs, although challenging for my time management skills, just has me feeling more outcome independent. Like, I can act from a place of kindness and respect toward the women in my life. It’s weird but I think it allows me to treat them better, if that makes sense.
It’s good to know you can just let a woman go and she’ll come back though…I guess my programming is that you have to give them this drama and BS before they’ll do that.
P.S. should I just learn to ignore and/or disregard praise from women as well and instead just ‘watch what she does?’
Like if a woman says (and remember it’s unprompted, I never ask any of this type of stuff because I try my best not to get involved in that headspace) you’re great in bed or the best or whatever…should that be ignored and instead only just check if she’s still trying to have sex with early and often?
Is there any benefit to direct confrontation? Not to open, but later down the line….”I’ve told you quite a lot already, however, I really don’t think we can even get to know each other online which is why I want to meet IRL.” or some such thing.
I occasionally get this excuse but If you’re talking to 10-15 women simultaneously and making a good percentage of dates you’ll pretty much just lose interest for the time being due to the other conversations, dates, and sex. I come back around to them due to the size of the dating pool but I don’t expend much energy or thought on them
I don’t do online dating currently but I see this same thing out in the wild so to speak. Women who want to talk endlessly before escalating to anything sexual. The ones who really want it won’t play this. ASD rears its head in every dating scenario.
I have noticed though that my meet to lay percentage is pretty high doing things the old way, meaning no dating apps, compared to my buddies that use dating sites. They already feel like they know you a bit because you’ve had an exchange in real life. You can often skip the first date coffee/ drink meet.
That’s what I do. I’ll chat with the chick back and forth, then invite her somewhere. If she’s like “can we chat here some more?” I’ll be like “I’d rather get to know you in person, it’s much more natural that way.” Then I’ll invite her somewhere again.
Either it goes well and I see her or it fades.
This is one area where VYM are definitely much worse than their older sisters. Digital natives, it’s just natural to chat online with guys you don’t know and have no intention of meeting. Older women seem to be much quicker and more ready to meet in person.
I see women complaining about this, too. I’ve seen profiles where women say “Not interested in just chatting online, only interested if it leads somewhere in real life.”
What BD says is definitely true. Don’t worry about being too pushy and scaring them off. If they put you off,: then they aren’t going to meet you no matter how much time you waste. And if they do, they are going to be dominants or provider hunters or both.
Anytime anyone rebuffed when I asked if they wanted to get together, I just assumed they weren’t interested and went pass.
This was before BDs book and I had no idea.
A woman’s perspective: That sentence actually shows you the woman can be played. A well-done online banter can increase (especially younger) female attraction to you considerably. Though I completely understand why you may not be interested in it.
Experienced provider hunters know that you don’t get to know anyone online or even over a coffee. Character can only be judged in times of need.
I suppose the old “agree and amplify” is appropriate here. “Of course! We should totally get to know one another first! Let’s have coffee at X on Y.”
i’ve asked out females that give b.s excuse like this, you just have to reopen them maybe maximum three trials in a non needy scheduled way. Most of us are busy we don’t want to hang out with people, or maybe you are a low smv male to begin with, then you may have to work on your photos more.
I’ve gotten that response before as well. While I never thought to bio bomb, my typical response was something like “well call me old fashioned but I don’t believe you can get to know someone over chat” to which they’d agree… And the conversation would die off.
I’m actually pretty sure I’ve only ever gotten that kind if response from women 30+ too.
The moral of this story is if she’s giving you stall, you need to make a quick decision if you did something wrong, or if she’s just wasting your time and needs to be nexted.
My philosophy is to ask for the order early as pragmatic in sales, but recognizing that is a fair amount of tire kicking in online dating. I don’t like wasting my time.
I met the daughter of one of my friends at a bbq this weekend. Other than the fact she’s 18, fairly photogenic, and has this fantastic red hair she was completely forgettable. She told me she has 820+ matches on Tinder, has never gone on a single date from there. It’s a “game”.
Asking out earlier than later will help you maintain your sanity.
Hey BD,
This is slightly off topic but I just wanted to say in light of recent events * I now understand what you were saying in the previous online dating post comment section about how you would incur a lot of legal risks if you posted photos and text message screenshots of the women you dated as evidence. I guess I didn’t fully comprehend how monumentally insane western culture has gotten in the #Metoo era
* This just happened recently. A daygame PUA guy got arrested by police over his public daygame videos.
According to Scotland Police flirting with young women of legal age is somehow “predatory behaviour” .
Here is a quote and link to a BBC article for you guys if you don’t believe me.
link: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-46839531
Hahaha! I know what you mean. But, you can find out pretty quickly if they’re psycho once you know what to look for.
None of that surprised me, and that’s why pretty much all PUA videos where they approach chicks use actresses.
#MeToo has nothing to do with that. It’s a simple invasion of privacy. If the sexes were reversed and it was chicks filming themselves hitting on dudes, there wouldn’t be much of a difference.
Filming people you don’t know in public without their permission is degeneracy no matter who is doing it.
Wtf? If they’re in public, they have no expectation of privacy.
Could someone with better knowledge of UK laws please let me know what the term “arrested” means here? Does it mean for someone to be held in custody for a day or more, or can it merely signify that the individual was brought to the police station, questioned and released?
Hey BD, why do you think everyone is such a hard time getting laid with all game types? You’d think more people would be getting laid due to feminism and how society is encouraging women to sloot around.
Yep. The vast majority of women you use this excuse will indeed be over 30.
Yup. These angry anti-PUA guys who demand video or pictures to prove stuff aren’t thinking it through and have no idea what they’re asking, nor the risk they’re asking you to take; a risk THEY would not take if the roles were reversed.
Question about hard nexts.
A psycho girl i mistakenly gave MLTR status, gave ultimatum of exclusivity which i turned down and I didnt hear from her again.
Except she immediately after my rejection, stalked up my favourite mltr, texted her and ruined that one for me…
Now she drunken texts me after 5 months. First she just asks to “come over and fuck” but then gets super emotional and dramay (you broke my heart you asshole fuckboy!!1! + calling 7 times). I soft next for 3 days and she apologized during that soft next….
Can i downgrade her to FB and take her back? Or has that boat sailed and i cant avoid her psycho-behaviour by making her FB-only?
I am thinking I have to hard next her. Sex was hella good though.
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2018/06/18/is-online-dating-impossible/
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2015/08/20/there-is-no-hookup-culture/
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2018/12/10/are-alpha-males-really-taking-sex-away-from-incels/
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2011/05/22/married-couples-have-less-sex-now-than-in-the-1940s/
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
How is that in any way a one-girl question? I ask if i should hard next or if downgrading psycho girls to FB is possible for avoiding psycho behaviour?
Too some extent i agree. If I had 10 more girls in my active roster instead of only 3, maybe i would care less to risk a returning psycho girl ruining more things in my life.
In Scotland you would arrested and taken into custody by the police, questioned re the charges and then either released without charge, remanded in custody until trial or released on bail until trial. Which one would depend on the questioning and whether the police felt they had enough evidence to charge you.
If charged, then a report is sent to the Procurator Fiscal and they decide if you will go to trial.
Why does it “seem” hard or difficult to get laid these days, among both genders? I said before but I’ll simplify.
1. Average person is butt ugly, lazy, and obese.
2. They were told they were staggering unique beautiful geniuses by advertising, parents, colleges.
3. Reality TV, Instagram, social media told them they deserve to date 10s. Because don’t you deserve the best? Fatty?
4. Western Society has become a gaggle of terrified pussies, zoning out in front of screens all day and fearing hardship, rejection, effort, going outside.
You think the 17-30 year old men landing on the beaches of Normandy were texting winky faces and shit? Oh and told to keep their “toxic masculinity” to themselves and “trained” to be little pussies to get a cookie? Of course not.
If you’re not getting laid, it’s some combination of:
1. You’re currently genetic crap, or a Male Fat Chick. Truth hurts.
2. You’re a pussified Western male of some fashion. Meek, play video games, etc.
You find some balls and don’t get winded going up a flight of stairs? You’re mostly there.
BD,
Will your talk at the 21 convention be available on the 21 studios youtube channel or only for paid subscribers of their website ?
I was a bit surprised you were invited to the talk since the 21c after it went red pill generally come across as alot of trad cons/alt right while you are an outspoken libertarian.
Hey I play video games and I do just fine with chicks! Haha.
But yeah I know for a fact that I’m in the minority there. I love my video games, but I can only play for about an hour or two before I need to stop lol.
LMAO Hear Hear! I used to be like this in my 20s. Wasn’t really a terrified pussy, but definitely believe I was “wronged by the system” or whatever. Definitely felt like a pathetic victim back in those days haha.
Actually they do. Your argument suggests that homeless people can just harass whoever they want and not be punished for it at all.
When you do day game, you are running that risk. You are running the risk of coming across like a homeless person begging for change. Homeless people have been arrested for begging for change for decades. Its the same with prostitutes working the streets. It shouldn’t be any different with PUA clowns chasing down chicks on the street.
And I saw some footage of that dude, he was acting pretty much exactly like a homeless guy begging for change when doing his “approaches.” Chicks were backing away and like the creep he was, he kept going like some lost puppy. Got exactly what he deserved.
I have no idea; you’d have to ask Anthony. My speech was fucking awesome and I was mobbed with guys asking questions during the Q&A session as well as when I went out into the lobby. It was crazy. Like being a rock star.
There were definitely a few guys who didn’t like what I had to say about things like Republicans and open relationships, but the number of guys who were interested in Alpha 2.0 vastly outnumbered these guys, and everyone was very friendly to me, especially the other speakers, including the more hardcore ones.
I had a great time and I will probably speak again there this year when my World Tour is over.
That’s great to hear. There’s definitely an unfilled niche in the manosphere/PUA world for players who want to know how to transition into relationships with emotional value without losing out on the sexual variety from their PUA experiences.
You and more recently Tom Torero seem to be the only ones putting out content like that. All the other PUA guys are still on the ” I will continue having tons of FBs and one night stands then I’ll suddenly turn into a completely monogamous man and never ever cheat” bandwagon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDaMC-6eQfU
Not the talk, but an interview with Caleb following his talk.
Correct. And most of them are going to stay on that bandwagon regardless of what me or Tom says until years and years later when they lose their homes and children in their divorces. That’s why I don’t give a shit about them.
1. Something I’ve noticed about 20something women and video games: A lot/most of them play and almost seem disappointed that I don’t but they really don’t care. They can play with their beta orbiters all they want. I’m here to fuck.
2. I wasn’t aware of the 21 Convention stuff. That sounds cool. I have tuned most of those guys out, because as another comment touched upon, they all seem to be far into the Trump-licking and “alpha marriage” trad-con BS. I follow some on twitter and they are worshiping their (traditional, monogamous) wives and posting stuff like how it’s much more alpha to be a good husband and dad than a player. Give me a break. I’m sure they make a lot of money off angry pseudo-conservatives who can’t get laid, though.
Its insane, I spoke to women about it, and even women who are more “typical” tell me “yeah, of course once youre used to dating around etc you wont stop just because youre mono married”. Seems the women know better than these men in this case.
Yeah, its totally irrelevant. I play video games and even when I get a gaming girl over we literally never play, we got better things to do with our together time. Sometimes girls tell me how they’re gamer boyfriend just plays games when shes over and shes just sitting there doing nothing because hes busy playing games… I guess its about priorities.