This post is dedicated to fellow asshole Tom Leykis, who first relayed this story over the radio many years ago.  I have “Blackdragonized” the story a little and fleshed out the details, but the core story is the same. A short time after all that, she has the most horrible, terrifying experience of her feminine life.  She turns THIRTY.
Being thirty, having wrinkles, having a baby to support, it all begins to transform her…  When she walks by you can almost hear the “EE-AH-OH-OO” sound the Transformers make when they turn into a car.

Yeah, but what about the differences you CAN’T see?

Let me tell you a story.  It’s a true story.

One day, a 16 year-old average-looking teenage girl suddenly blossoms into a “hot” teenage girl.  By the time she’s 18, she’s got nice big perky boobs, a pretty face, cute ass, and long hair.  Men drool all over her, and she has more attention from men than she ever had in her wildest dreams back when she was an ugly duckling.

By age 19, she’s figured out exactly how to look, dress, act, walk, and talk to maximize this attention from men.  All kinds of men are kissing her ass, telling her she’s hot, propositioning her for sex, asking her out on dates, asking her to be their girlfriend, and emailing her pictures of their cocks.

She finds herself strangely attracted to the “bad boys”.  The fun guys who have no job (or forever stuck in a dead-end job), treat her like crap, get drunk all the time, cheat on her…oh man, do those guys TURN HER ON!  So she proceeds to fuck them.  A lot of them.  She gets fucked so hard and so often she can barely walk.

“Nice guys” try to fuck her too.  These are the more responsible, more boring, more shy, more chubby guys who actually have jobs and college diplomas and other boring thing things like that.  Though she’s very sweet and nice to these guys, she avoids them like the plague.  She’s too busy fucking her moronic ski instructor with the six pack abs or her ex boyfriend who’s been unemployed for two years.

The “nice guy”, Mr. Poindexter, he gets nothing, other than the very rare times she want to take a break from the alpha males to “see what it’s like” to be with a provider.  But these brief relationships never last long.  Soon she’s right back to fucking the bad boys.

As she ages through her twenties, she plays around with the bad boys, the drug users, the hot dumbasses, the cheaters, the liars, and the guys who beat her up.

Until one day…

One day, she looks in the mirror, and sees…WRINKLES.  Horrified, she takes a closer look.  She then sees a few GRAY HAIRS.  She runs screaming in terror from the bathroom, almost tripping over her baby.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she has a kid now?

Yeah, see, she got really serious with this guy who had a history of violence and moved in with him.  She “accidentally” got pregnant with him and she thought her life would be more complete with a baby.  She “tried to make it work” but within a few months she was out of there after he shoved her against a wall for the sixth time.  Then he moved to North Carolina to “go into business with his brother” or something, so now she has this baby that cries all the time and drives her insane and costs lots of money that she doesn’t have.

She doesn’t really get child support because baby daddy is usually unemployed, though the reason she gives people is that she’s “independent” and “doesn’t need a man”.

A while later she bumps into Poindexter at the grocery store.  You know, that same guy (or same type of guy) who was constantly trying to fuck her for years and never got anywhere?  Boom, there he is years later standing in front of her.   As usual he’s got not one, but two of the fanciest, most expensive cell phones money can buy (one for himself and one for his job at the I.T. department) and his World of Warcraft t-shirt bulging over his fat pot belly.

He nervously chit-chats with her until he mentions his job with the I.T. department at Intel.  She stops him mid-sentence.  “Job?” she says.  “Oh yeah,” he exclaims, “I’ve been in I.T. for like 10 years now.  Right out of college, that is.”
As he keeps jabbering on, she swoons.  She doesn’t understand anything he’s saying except for “good job” and “college”.  And suddenly, Poindexter in his stupid khaki pants is the most desirable man she’s ever seen.  She’s found her provider.  She practically fucks him right there in the grocery store.
They start dating.

Poindexter can’t believe his luck.  I mean, sure, she’s had 122 guys fuck every orifice in her body.  And sure, she’s a little worn for wear…a few wrinkles, boobs that sag a little, and she’s obviously gained some weight, but WHATEVER!  She’s HOT!  And she’s MINE!  He’s truly found the Woman Of His Dreams™.  He’s “done”.

They have sex.  Poindexter, who hasn’t had sex in over a year (if you don’t count jerking off to Japanese anime tentacle porn), cums inside her within 9 seconds of entry.  She frowns at the terrible sex.  But WHATEVER!  He’s a “good guy” who is “responsible” and has a “good job”!  My son and I have finally found a man to take care of us!  THANK GOD MY PAIN IS OVER.

Once Poindexter gets used to having sex again, he fucks her like there’s no tomorrow.  And she’s ecstatic that she doesn’t have to worry about paying her cell phone bill every month anymore.

They get married in less than six months.

Exactly nine months after the wedding (or perhaps even a little sooner), she pops out another baby.  See, Poindexter wanted “his own” baby.  And she always wanted two kids, so there you go.  Get married and get pregnant.  That’s what her mom always told her she should do, so that’s exactly what she does (the first baby notwithstanding).

For the first few months of the marriage, everything is GREAT.  They’re both the happiest they’ve ever been.  Totally in love.  Totally at peace.  Ah, this is “what they’ve always wanted”, they both say.  All their friends and family beam at “how happy they are now.”

A few short years later, one day while they’re both in bed, he rolls his chubby body over and timidly asks her for sex, the same way he’s always done in his AFC, beta, provider way.  She takes one look at him, remembers how he didn’t clean his mess in the kitchen last night, and says “Ew! No.”

He’s confused.  She’s never said no to sex before.  What gives?  This makes no sense.  She’s not mad.  Or at least she doesn’t look mad.  He looks at himself.  Has he gained weight or something?  Nope.  He’s just as fat as he was that day they met in the grocery store, so that’s not it.  Hm.  Then why does she suddenly not want sex?  His guy-logic starts working on it like mad as if it’s a math problem.

It continues.  He keeps asking, she keeps saying no.  Several heated arguments result.  Once every several weeks when she happens to be an a good mood, he gets a quick pity-fuck where she lays there like a dead fish and tells him to “hurry up”.  Other than that, he gets nothing except arguments.  He tries to look for a rational, reasonable, clear-cut explanation as to why she suddenly doesn’t want to fuck him any more.  She doesn’t have one.  All she can do is give him the people-grow-people-change speech.

“Just because I liked blowjobs four years ago doesn’t mean I like them now!” she declares.  He’s furious, confused, and feels trapped.

At the same time, she starts whining all of her girlfriends about how Poindexter is so BORING.  And he’s so UNMOTIVATED.  “All he does is come home from work and play that fucking Halo!” she screams, “Why can’t he be motivated and get a better job or start a business like so-and-so?”  (So-and-so is an Alpha male she knows, who she suddenly finds herself very attracted to.)  The vast majority of her girlfriends and female family members exclaim “Oh my god!  Really?  Why don’t you divorce that guy?  I would never put up with that!”
One day, after an especially horrible argument, she says she’s had enough.  With the assistance of one of the many guys who want to fuck her, she packs up all her shit, takes the two kids and leaves Poindexter.  With her father’s help, she starts divorce proceedings.

Poindexter is devastated.  He sends her 700 texts a day pleading with her to come back and “give him another chance”.  When she ignores these, he sends her 200 Facebook messages a day.  When she ignores these, he starts showing up at her work and her house and throws tearful, angry fits on her doorstep.  With the help of yet another AFC orbiter guy who wants to fuck her, she files papers for a restraining order.

Within a month, she’s got a new rebound boyfriend and is so horny for him she fucks him almost every day, many times a day.  She cums and cums and cums like there’s no tomorrow.  She can’t believe she “put up” with Poindexter for so long and “wasted all those years”.  However, while her sex life is amazing, the rest of her life is in the shithouse.  Now she has two screaming babies she can’t afford even with Poindexter’s child support (that she only gets sporadically) and life is even harder than it was before.

Poindexter is still devastated, his life completely torn apart by oneitis.  It takes him six months to even get the motivation to start talking to new women again.   Eventually, Poidexter dates, quickly falls in love with and marries another high-maintenance over-30 chick and repeats the entire process all over again.

However the “heroine” of our story is a little more picky.  She dumps rebound boyfriend and starts going on lots and lots of first dates.  Though she’s chubbier than before, has more wrinkles than before, is more jaded and bitchy and demanding than before, she thinks she’s the most amazing woman in the world and expects men to treat her that way.

She dates (but does not fuck!) lots and lots of guys and gets lots and lots of free drinks and free dinners. During this time the only guy she actually has sex with is the rebound guy (whom she occasionally goes back to) and the hot Alpha male she was drooling over when she was married.

The Alpha males are fun.  They fuck the shit out of her and she really likes that.  But you know, at the end of the day, they just don’t “do it” for her.  They just won’t do what they’re told, you know?  They aren’t “gentlemen” who “know how to treat a lady.”  They’re “assholes.”

Eventually, she finds another Poindexter.  This Poindexter is a little smarter and a little better looking than the last one.  But not much.  He’s still an AFC beta provider Poindexter.

She marries him as quickly as possible.  New Poindexter is ecstatic.  The wedding is even MORE lavish than her wedding to the first Poindexter. Everyone is happy. THIS is the man she SHOULD have married, she says to everyone.  See, she’s “learned her lesson” and “isn’t going to make the same mistake again.” Finally, her life is complete.  She’s the “happiest she’s ever been.

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