-By Caleb Jones

America loves Wars That Don’t Work™.  We have things like

The War on Drugs

The War on Poverty

The War on Illiteracy

The War In Iraq

The War In Afghanistan

etc

…all of which have been complete, total, cluster-fuck failures.  Let’s not forget that all of these “wars” are enthusiastically supported and maintained by Republican and Democrat politicians alike.  (By the way the war in Iraq is not over…we still have thousands of troops there.)  So some Americans have chosen to create a new war (hell, why not?).  It’s also complete BS.  It’s called the War on Women.

It all started, I think, when Republican presidential candidate (who is now out of the race) Rick Santorum stupidly said that Contraception Is Bad™.  Women and liberals went apeshit, as they rightly should have.  I can’t think of a dumber position to have in modern-day America.

Then everyone got into a big tizzy about whether or not the government should support services like Planned Parenthood.  That’s about when the idiotic “War on Women” phrase started to be thrown around.

Things escalated when a female college student who’s name I’ve already forgotten testified before congress about how horrible it was that the government didn’t force health insurance companies to purchase birth control pills for chicks.  Yeah, that’s certainly what I stay up all night worrying about.

Conservatives went apeshit, as they rightly should have. The government shouldn’t force private companies to do anything.  (Of course, the government shouldn’t give money to private companies either.  Private companies should do whatever they want, and if people don’t like it, they won’t buy that company’s products, in which case those private companies should go out of business and their CEO should be thrown out on the street.  It’s a currently unpopular system called the “free market”.  But I digress.)

Rush Limbaugh, as he is often does, went too far and called this woman a “slut”.  Liberals went apeshit, as they rightly should have.  You don’t want to be calling anyone a slut, especially when society has been wrongly trained to believe that a woman who has sex with many men because she enjoys it is a bad thing, which it is not.

Then a few days ago, a pundit/newsperson named Hillary Rosen said our future president’s wife, Ann Romney, “has never worked a day in her life” and thus should not be advising Mitt on women’s issues. And of course, conservatives are now going apeshit.

And on and on it goes.  As is always the case, the liberals are wrong 50% of the time, and so are the conservatives.  Anyone who is wrong as often as 50% of the time is pretty much out to lunch, forcing me to look elsewhere for who’s right.  So let’s return to reality for a brief moment and talk about this “War on Women”.

There is no “War on Women”.

As always, lets start with the facts:

1. More women graduate college than men.

2. Women in their 20’s make more money than men their age.

3. The majority of highly paid managerial positions are held by women, not men.

4. Women get most of the child support, most of the child custody, and most of the alimony in divorces, even when the divorce is clearly the woman’s fault.

I could go on and on for pages and pages, but I think you get the point.  Saying that men (or conservatives, or whomever) are “waging a war” on women is just more stupid, silly, election-year horseshit.  Yes, women still aren’t treated 100% equally as men, and yes, feminism does have a few points I agree with.  But stop acting like men have women chained to vacuum or something.  Please.

Regarding the specific issues that have come up during this “debate” (this is where I piss everyone off on all sides of the political spectrum):

– You liberals need to relax.  Stop making mountains out of molehills about how women are treated.  Remember that women make plenty of money right now and birth control pills are just $9.

– You conservatives need to relax.  For Christ sake, women should be allowed to purchase whatever contraception they want.  Contraception should not only be cheap and legal, it should be encouraged. If anything, women don’t use contraception ENOUGH.

– In a non-socialist country, the government shouldn’t be forcing private companies to do anything.  If you want to re-form the United States into a European-style soft-socialist state, fine.  Have a plebiscite and let’s all take a vote on that.  (Now wouldn’t THAT be interesting?)  I would abide by the results of such a vote…but I have a feeling most Americans would tip my way, even if reluctantly.

– No one should call women sluts.  That’s just not cool.  Of course, the ideal solution is to re-define the word “slut” into a positive term, but society isn’t ready for that yet.  (Don’t worry.  It will be soon.)

– Hillary Rosen would NEVER have said ANYTHING bad about Ann Romey if everything was exactly the same except Mitt was a Democrat and Obama was a Republican.  She’s absolutely, completely, 100% full of shit.  One of her last gigs was helping BP Oil do communication damage control (spin) about their disaster in the gulf.  Shit, I’m more of a liberal than she is.  What a hypocrite.

– That being said, stay-at-home moms usually don’t know very much about politics or the economy.  I’m sorry, but that’s just a fact.  If women like this stayed home during election days I’d be happier.  It’s not because they’re stay-at-home moms, it’s because they aren’t informed enough to make major policy/election decisions regarding a country of 300+ million people.

This is where I do agree with the liberals, but I disagree with liberals in that they think we need more people voting.  Ha!  We need less people voting.  WAY less.

Gotta go now….going to do my part to service the female gender.  You are women!  And now I shall hear you roar!

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