-By Caleb Jones

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite comedians, Bill Burr. It vividly describes the different ways men and women think as well as how badly men tiptoe around their female partners.

My girl took me to a street fair. Ever been to a street fair? There’s like stuff made out of buttons, people with no teeth are making key chains. It’s a typical girlfriend idea, it sucks, and it’s gonna take all Saturday.

She’s all excited, swinging my arm, “This is gonna be great!” I’m praying for lightning to hit me or some kind of scaffolding to fall on my head.

She comes up to this table of homemade jewelry. Homemade jewelry. It’s got twigs in it, macaroni, it’s shit. It’s a table full of shit. But she loves it. She’s trying on the earrings. “These are so cool! Do you like these? Do you think these are nice?”

I wanted to be like, “No. If they were nice they’d be in a STORE. There’d be a roof, some sort of structure would be built around this. This is shit. This is a table of shit!”

But I don’t want to be a dick, so I’m like, “Hey honey, that’s great! I’m going to go get some air. Even though we’re outside. I feel like they’ll be more air…um…over here.” So I walked a way. I had to. I felt like I was going to snap.

Just like Bill, millions of men all over the world with traditional girlfriends or wives suffer this same kind of hidden agony. I’ve always called this “ball-owning”. It’s when a woman owns your balls, she knows it, and you know it. So she’ll have you do all kinds of emasculating, betaizing shit…and you’ll do it, with a smile on your face, even though inside you’ll be dying…your soul being sucked out just a little more.

Go visit your local Bed Bath and Beyond or Macy’s, and watch these women shopping with the husband or boyfriend following her around (often carrying all the bags) with a look on his face like he’s begging for the firing squad to put him out of his misery.

So why do you do this? Probably for one (or more) of the following three reasons.

1. You’re a pussy. It’s as simple as that. You need a mommy to run your life. If you don’t have a woman bossing you around, you start to feel uncomfortable.

2. You’re afraid to lose her. This is a verbose way of saying you have oneitis. You think if you don’t obey her silly feminine shit at least to some degree she’ll leave you, and your world will come to an end because there is No One Else Like Her™. You’re wrong of course, but your oneitis (and/or possibly NRE or guy-Disney) is so strong, it doesn’t matter.

3. Out of a sense of fairness. Haha! I GOT YOU! See, you read number one above and said “Nope! I’m not a pussy! Not me!”. Then you read number two above and said “Nope! I don’t have oneitis! No sir! If she gives me any shit I’ll dump her ass! I don’t take that crap! I’m a man!” But now we’re on to the third reason men do this pussy stuff with their female partners, and it’s here that I’ve nailed your ass.

This is what you’re probably thinking:

“Well, I make her go see action movies with me sometimes. So it’s only fair that I occasionally go buy candles with her, or see her psychic with her, or .”

All those relationship advice books (written by women or beta males) often say the same thing. Sometimes you drag her to masculine stuff she hates, so that now you have to occasionally do the feminine stuff you hate. That’s probably what Bill Burr thought he was doing. I don’t think Bill is a pussy (though I could be wrong). He probably justified that weekend of torture at the stupid street fair because a week or two earlier he convinced his girlfriend to watch his Dark Knight DVD with him.

If you’re married or have a serious girlfriend, you’re probably thinking the same thing. After all, it’s only FAIR.

I could write a long dissertation on the concept of fairness, that fairness does not exist in nature nor in the human world, and that this false concept was, in the words of Scott Adams, “invented only so stupid people could win arguments”. But that would seriously piss you off and shut off your brain, so I won’t do that today.

Instead, let me propose an alternate relationship method. It’s so radical, it will make your brain leap out of your head and punch you in the pancreas. Ready?

Don’t ever make your gal do any of your masculine shit. Then, you’ll never need to do any of her feminine shit. Instead, only do things together you truly both like.

Radical concept, I know.

“But sometimes I really want her to do masculine stuff with me!”

Why? Hey, I love the Lord of the Rings movies. Lord of the Rings is and has been a big part of my life. I also date a lot of very feminine women who would sooner stab themselves with a fork than watch 2.5 hours of a Lord of the Rings movie, much less three of them. I love these women and I love Lord of the Rings, but I have no desire to subject them to watching Frodo and Gandalf for 2.5 hours while they get confused and ask questions the entire time, or worse, fall asleep during the movie.

Really, what is the point of that? Do you really think that builds closeness between you? Really?

By the way, betaization is a skill most women master by a very early age, and many are very sneaky about it. If you suddenly stop asking your wife/GF to do your masculine shit, sometimes she’ll catch on to what you’re doing, and your little girly-girl will try to trick you. She’ll smile one day and say “Hey, I think I do want to watch one of those Star Wars movies. Can we watch one tonight?”

DON’T FALL FOR IT. If she watches that movie with you that evening (she won’t watch it; she’ll fall asleep within 20 minutes) she will mentally log it in her mind, and then a week or two later she’ll expect you to go help her pick out baby clothes for her best friend’s baby shower, and god forbid if you say no, you’re an “asshole” who’s being “selfish”.

If she suddenly asks for something like Star Wars or to go to next week’s cage fight match with you, instead re-direct her and do something you both like. Even if that’s something as simple as sitting on the couch and talking with  a glass of wine. No one said it has to be extravagant or cost a bunch of money.

Only do things with her you both like.

“But then we’ll never do anything together!”

I said do things together you both like.

“But that’s just it! There aren’t many things we both like!”

Then guess what? You’re probably with the wrong person.

And that is the real crux of the problem and why you let her emasculate you, and why both you and her think this is necessary: you’re with the wrong person and you’re both trying to shoehorn each other into something you’re not.

Food for thought.

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