You Have Two Cows…

Funny Cow

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You Have Two Cows…

You've heard about the the 2-cow "-ism" analogies. You know, the ones that go, "Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Communism: The government seizes both cows and gives you a little milk. Capitalism: You sell one cow and buy a bull."

-By Caleb Jones

Today I'm going to give you the relationship versions. (And by the way, although I use feminine pronouns many of these examples are not gender-specific; women can have "cows" too.)

Here they are!

Monogamy – You have one cow. She shits all over your house, but you rationalize that it’s somehow worth it.

Serial Monogamy – You have one cow. Her milk is great, and you enjoy it until she gets bored with you and leaves. Then you get depressed and cry. Then you get a new cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Marriage – You have one cow. She screams at you constantly and has you feed her grass for many years while shitting all over your house. One day she leaves and takes the house with her.

Cheating – You have one cow. You drink the milk of another cow. The first cow finds out, threatens to leave you, and shits all over your house. You beg and plead with her and promise you won’t do it again. You’re lying, but eventually she buys it. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Fuck Buddy – You have several cows. They all provide you free milk. The rest of the time they’re out in the pasture doing whatever, and you don’t give a shit.

MLTR – You have two or three cows. They all provide you with free milk. One of them also cleans your house. Another one buys you dinners. Another one brings you more cows. You look at all the other guys who just have one cow and are bewildered as to why they would do such a thing.

OLTR – You have many cows. You keep them in the pasture but you have one special cow. She’s the only one allowed in the house.

Swinging – You have one cow. Occasionally you meet up with other cow owners to sample their cows’ milk, and you let them sample yours. Most of their cows' milk tastes pretty bad, but you don’t care.

Polygamy – You have three, four, or five cows. You keep them all huddled together inside an electrified fence. You spend the rest of your life arguing with all of them, patrolling the fence, and shooting them when they try to escape, which is often.

Polyamory – You have several cows, but all your cows have several other owners in addition to you. You milk your cows, and their owners, and they milk you. It all gets quite confusing.

Hugh Hefner – You always have exactly three cows. All three are allowed to live in your house. You rotate cows in and out as needed.

Tom Cruise (and Donald Trump) – You have one very young, very pretty cow. As soon as she has two babies and gets a few wrinkles, you get really mad at her and she shits all over your house. After much chaos, you sell her to the butcher and replace her with another young cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Charlie Sheen – You’re a tiger. You have many cows. You milk them all when not getting drunk or snorting cocaine, which is often. You also beat them up. Occasionally you have just one cow, but that doesn't last long, since you beat her up too. You consider it all a win and tell everyone all about it.

Eddie Murphy –You have many cows. All of them end up having calves and they all belong to you.

Larry King – You have eight different cows, but one at a time, all of whom have been shitting in your house for decades. You’re very, very tired.

Alec Baldwin - You have one cow. You have a huge argument with her and she shits all over your house. Eventually she leaves, but you spend the rest of your life fighting her anyway.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - You have one cow. You also have another cow, but it's so ugly you keep it hidden in the closet. One day it has a calf, and the first cow finds out. She shits all over your house, leaves you, and takes the house. However you're such a badass she can't resist you and comes back.

Hulk Hogan - You have one cow. She leaves you and takes your house. Then she puts a restraining order on you so you can't visit your house. Then she starts getting milked by a guy half your age. In your house.

Doug Hutchison - You have one cow. It's a calf. Everyone hates you. You don't care.

Bill Clinton – You have one old, very angry cow. You also have many other cows, but you keep them hidden in the forest. She knows about your other cows, but pretends not to, because she needs your farm for her own nefarious purposes.

Tiger Woods – Like Bill Clinton, except one day all of your hidden cows revolt and stampede all over your farm. When the dust settles, your main cow beats the shit out of you with a golf club. Then she leaves and takes the house. You apologize to everyone. You don't mean a word of it. Feel free to add your own 2-cow examples in the comments.

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This article was originally published on June 19, 2013


  • Maldek 2013-06-19 07:48:29

    "Eddie Murphy –You have many cows. All of them end up having calves and they all belong to you." That sounds like the best solution. s

  • Sparks 2013-06-19 08:27:25

    AFC - you have no cows but you fantasise that there is one special cow out there whose milk will taste better than all others. You can't find this cow because it does not exist.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-06-19 08:54:33

    So in the female equivalent do we get to watch bullfights? Lmao Your swinger analogy cracked me up.

  • Prof Rob 2013-06-19 14:48:27

    George Michael. You have a cow. Its a bull. Ray Charles: You love cows, but you can't see them as you spend a lot of time in the dark. You always identify your cows by their moos and big udders. The sound of their bells cause you to make sweet music. Chris Brown: You used to have a cow. It developed mad cow disease. It caused you problems, and you caused it problems. You end up as both silly cows.

  • Greg 2013-06-19 17:21:23

    Don't the MLTR cows have other owners, or at least other guys sampling their milk?

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-06-19 17:37:03

    There's always the Pimp- let others pay money to drink the milk but keep them all to yourself. The John: Keep buying milk from someone else's cows (most likely the Pimp's) And the Player- sample a little milk from every cow you come across but never agree to buy any Or the OJ Simpson: buy a milk cow then slaughter it The Ariel Castro: Steal someone else's calves, tie them up in your basement and mistreat them till they are skin and bones until they finally escape and you get thrown in the pen with the bulls.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-06-19 17:43:56

    Oh and we can't forget the Cuckhold: Buy an expensive cow and sit and just sit there and watch while it gives all it's milk to big, black bulls.

  • Jon 2013-06-19 18:01:24

    The Orbiter: You constantly do favors for one particular cow hoping that someday it will realize what a great guy you are and give you some milk.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-06-19 18:14:35

    The Men's Rights Activist: You bitch and whine all day about how the cows are taking over all the fields then wonder why they seem to be staying away from yours.

  • Blackdragon 2013-06-19 23:08:32

    “Eddie Murphy –You have many cows. All of them end up having calves and they all belong to you.” That sounds like the best solution.
    Then I hope you’re a multimillionaire who loves paying child support.
    Don’t the MLTR cows have other owners, or at least other guys sampling their milk?
    Great question. They can have other owners, but they almost never do. Often they will have other people sampling the milk, yes, but just as often they don’t. In other words, in my experience MLTRs are rarely in another romantic relationship beyond you, even if they might be sleeping with other guys.
    The Men’s Rights Activist: You bitch and whine all day about how the cows are taking over all the fields then wonder why they seem to be staying away from yours.
    Modern Feminist: You shoot any cow that comes near you, put up a walled fence around your house to keep the cows out, then wonder where all the “good cows have gone”.

  • Socialkenny 2013-06-20 04:05:48

    This might be a hard pill to swallow, but for all those so-called religious people (the Jesus lovers) who claim Jesus is coming back, etc. Whether that's true or not is besides the point. What they don't seem to realize is that Jesus was a communist and a socialist. If he were to come tomorrow, America and the way of life of the capitalistic system plus democracy would be the first he destroys. Jesus would love living in Cuba or any other place on the globe which have a socialist and communist-leaning system. Christians need to study that. Jesus including all the prophets were anti-capitalism. This is sort of off topic, but good point nevertheless.

  • Prof Rob 2013-06-20 05:32:44

    @ socialkenny: Christians. We are not cows, we are sheep.

  • BA 2013-06-20 09:29:11

    Tom Jones - You get all the milk from your main cow. Herds of other cows throw their milk at you and you discretely sample as you see fit. Your main cow knows but doesn't get upset as long as she isn't embarrassed by reading about your sampling in the tabloids.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-06-20 09:47:15

    The Cockblock: an extra large heifer parks itself on your front porch so you can't get past to milk the other cows. When I was living on 6 acres with my ex husband we had an 1000 pound steer jump the fence and go sit on my neighbors porch. That was their only door and they couldn't get out of the house, lol. So they call me wanting me to do something about it. I was 8 months pregnant and my 2 year old was fast asleep. It was dark and I was home alone but they were pretty upset so I had to do something. So finally I managed to get the church secretary to come over with some teenagers from the youth group. Some of them stayed in with my toddler and I had to go help run off the cow. We had to chase it around with flashlights and it would come charging at you. Scary, especially when you are all big and pregnant and its harder to run. Anyhow we finally got it back in the fence and had to fix some barbed wire, but this has not given me much affection for cattle. I think I may have to be all fine, I'll let some bulls have a little milk but not moving any of them into the damn house with me. They are too much to clean up after and always trying to run off anyhow. 😉

  • Right time 2013-06-20 15:14:43

    AFC – you have no cows but you fantasise that there is one special cow out there whose milk will taste better than all others. You can’t find this cow because it does not exist. Personally I don't view that as AFC. You're describing a dreamer/visionary, which is the foundation of innovation.

  • Rod 2013-06-20 18:35:42

    Best. Post. Ever. lifeofalovergirl - you're on fire!

  • bullcity 2013-06-23 15:55:15

    Can you explain the swinger analogy?

  • cjw 2013-06-25 00:01:53

    Will Smith You have a cow, it gives you milk, and now you have 3 calves, all of which are in the entertainment business making a lot of money for you and the farm(family). You have the pick of the litter of many cows who throw their milk at you. You partake in the sampling of their milk, Your main cow is fine as long as she is #1, and that you have no calves with the other cows. Your life is great.

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