29 Jul Wives Withholding Sex From Their Husbands
Last week many of you emailed and Facebooked me links to a sad yet educational event on Reddit.
If you don’t already know what I’m talking about, a husband created a spreadsheet tracking all the times he asked his wife for sex, notating when she said no along with the excuses she used. The wife found the spreadsheet and slapped it up on Reddit, in an attempt to shame her husband. She was shocked to discover that most Reddit readers were against her rather than defending her, though as you can imagine she did have some female defenders.
-By Caleb Jones
She has since taken the spreadsheet and original post down, and it looks like these two are on their way to a divorce. (Big surprise.) However there are still articles on this and copies of the spreadsheet all over the place, such as here and here (the image above is the low-res version). Even one of my regular online news channels featured the story. (Notice how the younger, never-married woman in the video is actually surprised this kind of thing is “prevalent.” So cute. And sad.)
This is a very serious issue, so we need to be as fact-based and objective as possible. The Societal Programming involved in pushing monogamous marriage on the populace is gargantuan. As a result, when things like this are discussed, once the teasing dies down, normal SP-brainwashed people either snort and say it’s “no big deal” or puff out their chests and say “that won’t happen to me.”
So let’s take this step-by-step and discuss the realities of this case, and the greater issue of when married women eventually start refusing sex with their husbands, which, as I’ve demonstrated countless times before, is exactly what women are biologically wired to do.
1. As I’ve always said, monogamy begins to fail at around three years.
Would you like to guess how many years this woman was married? Do you think it was under three years or over? Take a wild fucking guess.
If you guessed more than three years, of course you’re right. They’ve been married five years.
Now think about this. When they were married just three months, do you think she was coming up with all these excuses to not have sex? How about when they were dating during NRE, while not married and not living together? Do you honestly think she was refusing sex with him because she was too drunk or had to watch a Friends rerun?
Of course not. She was getting pounded by his cock non-stop and loving every minute of it. He thought he had hit the jackpot with such an amazing, high sex drive girl. But once they both introduced long-term Disney monogamy into the mix, they sealed their sexual doom. They placed a three-year timer on frequent sex. Then it was only a matter of time before sex with her husband went from exciting and fun to ew-icky.
Another question to consider. When these two finally get divorced (and they will), when she quickly scoops up a new boyfriend, will she be making excuses to get out of sex with him?
Of course not. That’s because…
2. Her excuses are not the actual excuses.
Monogamous women married longer than three years are absolute wizards at coming up with creative and real-sounding excuses to get out of ew-icky sex with their husbands. With the possible exception of when she was sick, not one of the excuses in the spreadsheet was her real excuse. Not one.
In all cases, her real excuse was the following:
“Since I have been living-together monogamous with you for well past three years, I am now sexually bored with you and don’t enjoy sex with you any more. I still love you, but I don’t want to fuck you any more. It’s ew-icky now. So please stop asking me for sex. You’re annoying me.”
Married women know they can’t say that, since it places all the responsibility on them, and sometimes they don’t even know exactly why they don’t want to fuck their husbands any more. So instead they come up with excuses like they’re “too tired” or “feel gross” or “you didn’t take the trash out last night” or whatever, which deflects the responsibly for their new sexual boredom away from the real reason they don’t want to have sex. Which is that they simply don’t want to have sex (with him).
3. She lives in a married-woman bubble where not having sex with your husband is normal and proper.
Many people reading this story were surprised that she was surprised that people attacked her for posting her husband’s spreadsheet. I was not.
Her attitude was, “Hey, we had sex three times in 27 days! That’s pretty good! And he’s still complaining?!?”
If you’ve never been married to a woman, that probably sounds insane. Which it is. As a man who has been married, works with married men every day, and whose family and social circle is filled with married guys, allow me to explain exactly how this woman logic works. I don’t normally talk about when I was married since it was so long ago, but this story will illustrate how mono-married women create these bizarre non-sexual bubbles for themselves, and reinforce them with other married women.
Way back when I was monogamously married, she and I usually had sex once a week, three weeks a month. She excluded her period week because she, say it with me, “felt gross”. (Of course when we were dating and first married she had no problem with fucking on her period and we did it all the time.) As I’m sure you can imagine, three times a month was not enough for me at all. Every man is different, but personally I need sex at least three or four times a week for maximum happiness.
Confused at my frustration, she did what most women do: she talked to several of her girlfriends to get their opinions. All of these girlfriends were also married, and had also been married for longer than three years.
The response from all of them was “You fuck him three times A MONTH? Oh my god! I have sex with my husband like once every FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS! You’re giving it to him three times a month and he’s still complaining??? He should be thankful!!!”
I’m not exaggerating. That’s exactly what they said.
So, reinforced and reinvigorated by the Married Sisterhood, she would get off the phone and then go tell me that I should have been “thankful” I was getting it “three times a month” when most other married guys like me weren’t getting sex nearly as often. (Ah, monogamy.)
That’s how this works, folks. Post-three-year married women get bored with having sex with their own husbands, then band together with other post-three-year married women in frigid solidarity. That’s why this spreadsheet poster was shocked, shocked! when people turned against her. Most women online defending this woman were also post-three-year married women not having sex with their husbands either.
Is it any wonder why married men cheat so much? Is it any wonder why the divorce rates continue to climb?
4. The “I’m Not Your Hooker” Speech
The most common reaction of post-three-year married women to men complaining about this kind of thing is a little speech married men know very well. It’s the “It’s Not My Job To Have Sex With You” Speech, more commonly relayed as the “I’m Not Your Hooker” Speech.
This is when a woman yells at her husband, declaring with righteous, feministy anger that it’s not her job to fuck him whenever he’s horny. I’m not your hooker. I’m not your whore. That’s not my job. I’m A Woman Dammit™ and I Work Hard™. What the hell do you think I am? Your slave?
Every man who has been in a monogamous, live-in relationship or marriage longer than three or four years has been given this speech multiple times. Just look at all the mono-married men reading this blog post right now, nodding their heads and laughing in agreement. I have even described this speech on forums when talking to married women, only to actually receive the very speech a few posts later. Her: “I’m not his hooker!” Me: “I just told you a few posts above that you’d say that.”
There’s just one problem with the I’m Not Your Hooker Speech. If you’re a woman who:
A) Wants to stay married and
B) Doesn’t want your husband cheating on you
…then guess what, sweetie? It IS your job to fuck him when he wants. Yes, you heard me right. Unless you want him leaving you or cheating on you, it’s your job, duty, and responsibility to fuck him when he needs to get fucked, and do it well. If you don’t care if you get divorced, or don’t mind if he fucks other women on the side, then go right ahead and be a Strong Independent Woman™ and restrict sex from him all you like.
“Excuse me you fucking misogynist, but I’m not his hooker! That’s not my job! What is he? A fucking child? He can’t wait until Friday to have sex? He has porn and he knows how to masturbate. He can fucking wait. I’m not his whore.” Okay, then. Keep on making excuses and telling him no and when you catch him cheating on you or when you’re spending thousands of dollars you don’t have in divorce court, I’ll smile and say I told you so.
5. Yes, sometimes the husband does share some of the blame.
As I said above, we have to be objective here. While female biology is usually the cause of this phenomenon, I must state for the record that sometimes the husband does share some blame for this.
Sometimes husbands get fat and lazy. Sometimes husbands ignore their wives, take them for granted, and make them feel like shit. Sometimes it’s the wife who is horny and the husband who doesn’t want sex, though this is usually not the case; statistically it’s overwhelmingly the wife refusing sex, not the husband. Any post-three-year marriage where the wife is badgering the husband for sex and the husband is always saying no is an exception to the rule.
So yes, sometimes the man is to blame. However I’m going to be clear and say this problem is usually NOT because of anything the man is doing or not doing. It’s because women are biologically wired to get bored with a monogamous live-in partner after about three years, as science and statistics have repeatedly shown.
That being said, you don’t want to be the one to blame for this. This is why I have repeatedly admonished men to stay attractive and active, even as you age, and even if you move in with a woman, and to treat women well when you are in any sort of sexual relationship with them.
6. Everyone says it won’t happen to them.
Unmarried women love to brag that “they’re not like this” and “would never do that.” They brag that they “love sex” and that they’ll “always” want to fuck their man, even ten and twenty years later.
Never-married beta males and Alpha Male 1.0s love to brag that “this won’t happen” to them because they’ll “screen for a high sex drive wife” and they’ll be “be Alpha with her” and “continue to game her during the marriage”. Or something.
It happens to everyone (with rare exception), but everyone says it won’t happen to them. All the rationalizations and excuses come out when people talk about this issue. And that’s the greatest tragedy of this story. Everyone will read it, see how horrible it is, and then the women will think they’re not like that, and the men will think it won’t happen to them…and the vast majority of people will still get monogamously married anyway.
Then a few years later they’ll suffer through the exact same problem this man and woman are having. Then a while later they’ll get divorced. Then I’ll get the email that I receive so regularly: “I should have listened to you back then Blackdragon…
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Dawson Stone
Posted at 05:18 am, 29th July 2014Great post BD. I agree with all of it.
i actually had sex 2x in the last 18 months of my marriage. I told her “I won’t cheat on you but I will leave you.” She thought I was bluffing. My ex-wife has shitty self preservation skills I guess.
I have a good friend that was getting the “I’m Not A Whore” “I Am the Mother of Your Children Speech” and my friend sat her down and basically told her “I am going to be fucking someone at least 2x a week. I am fine if that person is you. But I promise you that if it isn’t you it is going to be someone.” And trust me, my friend is NOT someone you play chicken with. She fucks him at least 2x a week (not bad for a married guy) and extra if he is going to hang out with me. 🙂
There is all this bullshit stuff out there about how married people have more sex then single people. But as BD often points out the stats are so damn easy to manipulate. If they really wanted a fair stat compare the sex life of the SAME men before and after marriage. That would tell the real story because it would be apple and apples and it would not be a pretty picture.
Married men out there don’t take this crap. Do like my friend did…demand regular, good sex from a wife that keeps herself in good shape or exit stage right.
Sparks
Posted at 05:56 am, 29th July 2014A tragic tale indeed. I assume all the ‘I feel gross’ comments actually meant ‘I feel gross at the thought of having sex with you’.
I have asked several of my married friends if their sex lives took a nosedive after marriage and they all said something like ‘yes but it’s not that important/there’s more to marriage than sex’ etc bullshit rationalizations. One of my friends has a wife a few years older than him who used to be slim and attractive but is now a fat lump. His SMV is so far ahead of hers that I can almost guarantee he will be cheating on her in future.
Ronin
Posted at 06:24 am, 29th July 2014I guess I was one of the lucky few, my X was the exception. Other than when either of us was ill, we had sex at least four times a week, sometimes twice a day for the entire 24 years we were together. I also heard horror stories from other husbands that were in the opposite camp, many of whom who found it had to believe any husband was getting it more than once a month based on their own circle of friends.
The guys who’s wives had left them after turing the sex tap practically off on them after the kids were born went on to giving Porn Star sex to the new guys. Most of these women were in their 40’s and went right off the rails doing the whole “Eat, Pray, Love” thing, but then that’s the other dirty little secret…Menopause…
Maldek
Posted at 06:28 am, 29th July 2014@1+2: True enough. Science has shown (exact reference found at CH) that the 3 year mark is valid because * If a female does not get pregnant within 6 months to max. 3 years her body starts to see her man as sterile and she will look elsewhere/refuse sex *
Remember: Sex is for making babies and nature was very smart about it. All we men find attractive in women (like eye make up, boobs, red lips etc) are all (faked) signs of ovolution.
Note: The old pills (the strong ones with lots of hormones) did a good job in relationship health by providing the female body with the feeling of beeing pregnant. The newer pills with less hormones do not work like this anymore.
@3+4+5 Holy shit – I feel ashame for my fellow males, who let things like this happen. You are the sons and great-sons of the men who conquered the world. Who build ships of war, explored earth from pole to pole and you let a woman decide when you can have sex?
I give a shit about what her girlfriends think. In fact I do give a shit what SHE thinks. If she wants to be a married woman she has to follow the man. His wishes are her command. His career and wellbeeing are more important to her than her female friends. The man is only second to her children but NOBODY (including her parents) else.
If the law (like it is today in the US and most of the EU) does not support this natural state it must be changed, bend or broken.
Nature is patient and nature always wins.
“What the hell do you think I am? Your slave?”
Correct answer: “Yes you are my whore – why else would i keep you around?”
-> This works only as long as you are not a slave to unjust laws. See above. If you are, you have lost already. There are ways that most guys can avoid it, but maybe 1 in 10 000 finds the brain and the guts to DO it.
Beeing Alpha male 1.0 is not THAT bad, not at all.
It is a matter of taste and a matter of what suits your personality more.
Both 1.0 and BD’s 2.0 can give you a happy sex-life. It is the 90% of beta schlubs, all around us and all around YOU who suffer in marriages like the one here.
byronicmate
Posted at 06:41 am, 29th July 2014“Would you like to guess how many years this woman was married? Do you think it was under three years or over? Take a wild fucking guess.”
I had to pause for a moment to laugh my ass of here. 🙂
TarzanWannaBe
Posted at 08:17 am, 29th July 2014Best assessment yet! Thanks BD.
JFUNK
Posted at 09:12 am, 29th July 2014I believe the challenge goes:
“After getting married, Keep a jar under your bed, and put a penny inside each time you have sex in your first year.
After the first year, remove a penny each time you have sex. You will never empty the jar.”
Caleb Jones
Posted at 09:20 am, 29th July 2014Yes, I didn’t mention the “Sex Isn’t That Important” excuse, but that’s another extremely common one. The I’ve heard exactly the same, usually from married women, but some men too. And yes, these rationalizers will end up cheating or divorced just like most everyone else. Downplaying the human need for sex is always very dangerous in the long-term.
Bingo. Perfect. (That’s called an open marriage.)
Jon
Posted at 11:47 am, 29th July 2014A lot articles related to this have popped up on my Facebook feed. Mostly shared by married women in their late 30s. All cheering for the wife.
I refrained from commenting then to avoid the drama, so it’s refreshing to hear you say almost everything I wanted to say.
Sadly, a lot of Christian women wouldn’t even allow porn as a pressure relief valve because they consider that cheating too. “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery.” Hate = Murder too. Gotta love a God who convicts on thought crimes… 😕
Curtis
Posted at 04:28 pm, 29th July 2014It would be awesome if marriages were structured like NBA contracts in length. 2 to 5 years. I would bet a mortgage payment that the fucking would increase whenever she was in a “contract year.” Some guys would have to step their game up too. Just to be fair.
Til death due us part is antiquated. We live too long nowadays.
AKA
Posted at 07:11 pm, 29th July 2014“”and my friend sat her down and basically told her “I am going to be fucking someone at least 2x a week. I am fine if that person is you. But I promise you that if it isn’t you it is going to be someone””
I’ve been married 26 years. I had to give my wife that exact same speech a long time ago. She fucks me whenever I want ever since. My wife was really pissed for a while, but she came around to seeing it my way. In order for this speech to be effective the wife has to believe that you have the ability to pull and fuck other women. If you are an out of shape dork, this strategy will not work for you. I am not god’s gift to women, but I do have credible social skills. My wife did not want to test me.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 08:14 pm, 29th July 2014You know, as a younger man I would hear stories about this and not believe them. “There’s no way people could be that insane,” I thought…until I started meeting more and more people like this.
Just one example; I have a male relative who has been living with his monogamous girlfriend for several years now. They’re not legally married, and she’s not a Christian (as far as I know), but one of her rules is that he’s not allowed to masturbate unless he has a picture of her nearby. Because, you know, if he masturbates and thinks of another woman he’s “cheating on her”.
Monogamy is not about love. It’s about fear.
AKA
Posted at 08:27 pm, 29th July 2014I have heard the “masterbation is cheating” argument from many women too. But in my mind the man that allows his woman to dictate whether he jerks it or not deserves what he gets.
superslaviswife
Posted at 01:26 am, 30th July 2014Genuine query: how can you get tired of sex? Ignoring the obvious side of child-production, it’s basically enhanced masturbation. And I don’t see anyone getting bored of masturbating, bar serious issues like illness or depression (and even then you can power through if you want to). It seems that desire for sexual contact as a whole (including masturbation) slows around the 50-60s, at which point it may or may not pick up again after a few years. But in theory as long as you enjoy masturbation you should want sex.
Bellum
Posted at 07:40 am, 30th July 2014I find it hard to imagine that a woman wouldn’t be addicted to you if you were her source of mind blowing, reality shattering orgasms. Maybe the husband just didn’t Excel in the bedroom…
Furthermore, one does not simply ask for sex. If I stopped every time my woman said no without reason or put up token resistance, then I would be having a lot less sex.
Finally, the husband could have adressed the situation with dread(enforcing standards and expecting relational equity).
Then again, willing obedience always beats forced obedience, so if a woman isn’t into you why continue…
Caleb Jones
Posted at 11:05 am, 30th July 2014These women don’t get tired of sex; they still love sex. They get tired of sex with that particular person who’s been living with them for longer than three years in a monogamous relationship.
I’ve had sex with several women recently divorced from marriages where they hated sex with their ex-husbands but were all over me and couldn’t get enough. It’s not about sex. It’s about the biological realities of what happens to a woman when she lives with a monogamous man for many years.
AKA
Posted at 05:01 pm, 30th July 2014@Superslaviswife: You must be a bit of an odd ball. Have you really not heard of the stereotype that a couple’s sex life is phenomenal before marriage. But after marriage the man is complaining about being sex starved? Sometimes the sex isn’t even that great before marriage. But it always gets worse after marriage. Is this a foreign concept to you?
In most cases in order for the woman to be continually interested in sex 1 of 2 things or both must happen.
1. the husband somehow teaches the wife somehow of the importance of sex to him
2. the woman believes that her husband would be able to score sex outside of the marriage. Not that he does do this, but that he could do it.
It seems that competition anxiety is one of the few ways that keep a female interested in sexing her husband.
May I ask how long you have been married?
Pob
Posted at 07:32 pm, 30th July 2014Bottom line, ditch the bitch and live happily ever after fucking your way through young beautiful women.
If she’s smart she’ll do that too!
superslaviswife
Posted at 12:45 am, 31st July 2014But how then do you go without? I mean, unless I got tired of sex as a whole, once a day is the minimum. So why stop? It’s like eating or writing or anything really. You either do or don’t. You don’t feel hungry but pass on it just because.
superslaviswife
Posted at 12:46 am, 31st July 2014And if you can masturbate then you still have enough desire for sex.
Jimbo
Posted at 02:03 am, 31st July 2014Could you not extrapolate the following and apply it to life in general, realizing that generation after generation humanity is concerned and confronted with the same issues?
“It happens to everyone (with rare exception), but everyone says it won’t happen to them. All the rationalizations and excuses come out when people talk about this issue. And that’s the greatest tragedy of this story. Everyone will read it, see how horrible it is, and then the women will think they’re not like that, and the men will think it won’t happen to them…and the vast majority of people will still get monogamously married anyway.
“Then a few years later they’ll suffer through the exact same problem this man and woman are having.”
It appears to me that life does NOT progress toward anything, like we fool ourselves into believing. Instead of killing each other with swords we now have guns, instead of the bubonic plague we have other diseases, the wars continue, a president under fire in the United States. Yeah, the monogamy cycle is one of them, but it’s only one of the many cycles that comprise the entire life game.
Dawson Stone
Posted at 04:34 am, 31st July 2014@superslaviswife
You can’t be serious. Do you even KNOW any women over 30 that have been with their guys 3,5,7,10+ years? It is the RARE married couple that has been together 5+ years that has sex more then once a week.
Can you really not take yourself out of your own frame of reference (what are you like 20 or something and madly “in love” with your man) and see what is common for most long term couples and certainly nearly all married couples?
And I assure you, having enough desire to masturbate and wanting to fuck your partner are two very different things.
Jon
Posted at 05:37 am, 31st July 2014I do that all the time. I’ll feel hungry, look in the fridge and see plenty of food but nothing I’m in the mood to eat and just skip it and stay hungry.
james
Posted at 07:02 am, 31st July 2014Hey all!!! have a look at Divorce Corp and see the pain of divorce after the monogamous no sex marriage.. here is a youtube link to the documentary;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZTOT6DKfZ8
thanks
superslaviswife
Posted at 07:44 am, 31st July 2014@Dawson:
I know it happens. I just really can’t understand why. Even when I’m deep in a depressive bout I have energy and desire for masturbation which can be redirected into sex. How the two could be separated baffles me.
I guess it’s like watching obese people. You can see what they do, but the “why” is never within reach.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:09 am, 31st July 2014When you marry your boyfriend (you are planning on getting married right?) and wait 3 years, then you’ll find out.
It’s easy to be baffled by this when you’ve never had a 3+ year live-in mono relationship with someone.
I think superslaviswife is about to get married; I could be wrong on that though. My memory is hazy.
I’m sure she knows that; she just doesn’t want to go down that particular line of discussion. 🙂
Agree. But facts are facts and stats are stats. If you stab yourself with a knife, hard, you are “progressing” towards bleeding and a hospital visit, no matter how amazing you are. Reality is.
Dawson Stone
Posted at 11:21 am, 31st July 2014It isn’t that it “happens.” It is the norm. The outlier is the couple that continues to have a decent sex life even a few years into their relationship…especially after child(ren).
I disagree that the “why” is hard to discern. The “why” is as obvious as obvious can be. Obese people use food as a way to comfort themselves. They are hooked on sugar. They are depressed.
With regard to sex if often comes down to familiarity breeds contempt. You seem like an intelligent person but you have such little life and relationship experience your views are simply naive and simplistic…although I have no doubt well intentioned.
lifeofalovergirl
Posted at 12:10 pm, 31st July 2014It’s hard for me to understand women who don’t want to have sex UNLESS the guy has let himself go and/or is being lazy in the bedroom, not going down on her (unfortunately very common in long term relationships for the guy to stop doing), and not making her feel DESIRED. If you just up and expect her to fuck you out of “duty” that is a huge turn off. Especially if you are like, lasting the typical 3 minutes and not making any effort to get her off.
I’m not being mean. My ex husband didn’t want to fuck ME and I was taking care of myself and trying to do everything right, so I am sure there are cases where men are great in bed but the women get bored. Still, I have a really hard time comprehending that, lol. Who would want to give up great sex??
EVEN though my ex husband and I were not sexually compatible (we both wanted to be submissive in bed and that just doesn’t work) and I had to go out of my comfort zone to fuck him, I STILL wanted to fuck just for the sake of having ANY sex. Even when I had lost virtually ALL attraction to him, I still wanted SOME sex if I could.
So, while there are low sex drive women out there (and it seems to be a phenomenon), I’m not so sure that ALL of us would be like that long term. People forget about all the low sex drive men too. There are quite a few women online complaining about that problem anonymously these days, because its something you can’t really tell people in real life. Much more embarrassing for us to admit our husband won’t have sex than it is for guys to tell stories about their wife saying no.
Just think if you had a big, fat, ugly, wife who had let herself go to the max and wasn’t taking care of her hygiene. Say she was demanding that you fuck her every day because it was your “duty”. You might get grossed out quickly and not be able to get it up or something, so you start making excuses. There is still some impetus on the other person to make themselves sexually attractive and “seduce” them in a marriage.
Bogart
Posted at 01:26 pm, 31st July 2014I remember reading about this spreadsheet on various new sites, and I found the comments amusing. Many of the women posters were commenting on how if the husband less time spreadsheeing and more time tending to the whims of his wife, he would have had more sex.
POB
Posted at 02:03 pm, 31st July 2014Everyone that has been in a 3+ year relationship knows that you and your partner eventually start to become friends rather than fuckers.
It’s perfectly normal and IMHO it’s supposed to happen in all long term relationships. Marriage is just a way to start and raise a family. Period.
The misconception here is that people STILL get married without realizing this true cold and hard fact: you marry to stop having sex, because sex is the only natural way to procriate. Once you have kids it’s done, and (specially) women don’t need it anymore.
I need more time to elaborate on that, but the basic premise is: lots of sex is for singles or people with open relationships, less or no sex for married folks.
AKA
Posted at 05:54 pm, 31st July 2014@POB: Everyone that has been in a 3+ year relationship knows that you and your partner eventually start to become friends rather than fuckers.
It’s perfectly normal and IMHO it’s supposed to happen in all long term relationships. Marriage is just a way to start and raise a family. Period.
—————————————————————–
Dude, you are out of your mind. Sex life going away after 3 years is not normal and is not suppposed to happen.
I have kids and have been married a very long time. Kids are nice, but are a side show in the scheme of things. Sex w/ my wife is important. Why the hell even get married if your sex life is going to suffer?
Kurt
Posted at 08:38 pm, 31st July 2014I have an ex-gf from a long time ago that just returned to my bevy of FBs after a painful divorce (together 10 years, he runs off with young thing half his age, etc.) and she mentioned that sex had become nothing more than “me using his dick to masturbate” as she put it, which I thought very apt. I imagine that many of the women mentioned above that ‘get with the program’ after their Alpha 1.0 hubbies ‘lay down the law’ for them may be doing the same thing. They still have a sex drive but it’s not in any way directed at their husbands anymore. They are imaginative enough to use the sex as essentially a masturbation to both avoid the problems of having a sexually dissatisfied husband and try to get some sort of pleasure at the same time.
Problem is, neither the husband or wife in that situation is really satisfied, despite it seeming much better than the sexless marriage it is compared to.
Glad I got divorced early on instead of suffering for years. My own marriage was a horrible caricature of the ‘no sex after marriage’ cliche. So sad.
superslaviswife
Posted at 11:33 pm, 31st July 2014@BD: We’ve been monogamous and part-time live-in for a couple of years already. Marriage is just paperwork for when we start reproducing in around 6 months, so that if anything happens to me he’s guaranteed to keep my stuff and the kids and if anything happens to him I’m guaranteed a widow’s pension.
@Dawson: I know the familiarity breeds contempt part. It’s why I remained a virgin so long. I was ready to have sex at 13, but everyone willing I met disgusted me within a few minutes or hours of conversation. I’d actually decided by 15 I would never have a relationship because it was taking me longer to get to like someone than it did to get to know them and knowing most people is a massive turn-off. With Jon I remember trying to find reasons not to like him, but it didn’t really work. The more I know, the more I like. It only really works because he basically thinks like I do, though.
And overweight and obese people are the norm too. Increasingly so in even stable, traditional or 3rd world countries. So some part of their behaviour must be functional and therefore must have an origin besides “depression”.
superslaviswife
Posted at 12:37 am, 1st August 2014Asked a few female friends. Small population sample, but it’ll have to do as many women’s answers change when they think a man might hear it. Without too much detail: they agree that sex and masturbation can be exchanged (in varying degrees) and when the difference matters greatly, it’s easier to upgrade than to downgrade. In other words, if women want to masturbate, we can readily use that urge for sex.
Bellum
Posted at 02:33 am, 1st August 2014Why is the first conclusion that monogamy and marriage failed this man, and not that the man failed his marriage?
1. Most women don’t orgasm.
Would you men want to have sex if you didn’t reach your climax? I’d prefer video games or an episode of Rome or GoT, especially if I had children and little time to myself.
2. The epidemic of obesity.
Would you men vigorously sex a whale?
3. Most people are unattractive.
4. Most men are Betas.
Taking into account all of the above, I would say it is no wonder that most marriages are sexless.
Our view would also be skewed, since there is no reason for an Alpha to copulate with his female after she expired. Hence Alphas will have extramarital sex or remarry.
Dawson Stone
Posted at 06:39 am, 1st August 2014I am going to make one last comment on this thread and then call it a day.
I was with my ex-wife for 10 years. Part of the reason I married her is because we met in a gym and I knew she would always stay in shape because I knew myself and no way in hell I can have sex with a fat girl and I truly did want to remain faithful. Clearly this was all super pre-red pill.
Even at the end (after our daughter was born) of our marriage I was very attracted to my then-wife. We rarely had sex but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. With that said, even if she wanted to screw my brains out 3x a day it wouldn’t be the same as what a guy experiences when he is single. She was about 35 when we split.
Earlier in our relationship when my ex-wife and I did have frequent sex it was good. STILL it cannot compare to the mind blowing sex with a beautiful 19 year old that fucks me like she hasn’t eaten in a week and I am a steak dinner. Even when married couples (or any couples for that matter) continue to have good and frequent sex it simply isn’t as exciting as something new. I think the saying goes something like “For every supermodel out there, there’s a guy who’s tired of fucking her.”
I remember thinking after my divorce when I first started seeing this new, exciting woman and she looked at me over dinner like she couldn’t wait to get me home and screw my brains out “Oh yea, that’s what being REALLY desired feels like.” I honestly had forgotten.
Now I have no doubt that some couples do a better job then others of keeping the spark alive and I don’t know if it is 3 years (although that sounds about right) like BD says or 1 year or 5 years but it sure as shit isn’t 10 years. Do you really think a couple can eye-fuck each other over dinner 10 years into their relationship?
There are certainly reasons one can argue that they want to be in a committed, long term, monogamous relationship (not great arguments but at least partly defensible ones) but awesome, mind blowing sex isn’t one of them if anyone is being intellectually honest.
To me amazing sex is one of the most enjoyable parts of life. IMO there simply isn’t any other way to keep this super exciting over a long period of time with a single woman no matter how into each other and attracted to each other you are.
boutrosboutros
Posted at 06:53 am, 1st August 2014I find this discussion bizarre. I’ve been married 6 years and my wife and I have sex on average 3 times a week, because we’re both desirable and good in bed. Neither of us “asks” for sex. We initiate it and reciprocate it because sex with each other is something we both enjoy.
I find the husband in the OP pathetic beyond belief. Asking for sex and then whining about it and composing a passive-aggressive Excel spreadsheet about it? Grow a pair, for fuck’s sake. Discuss marital issues like a grown-up, act like a man, and your wife will want you to fuck her. It’s not rocket science.
It-Began-In-Africa
Posted at 02:57 pm, 1st August 2014BD, you also say that:
“So yes, sometimes the man is to blame. However I’m going to be clear and say this problem is usually NOT because of anything the man is doing or not doing.”
So would you agree that men also step into relationships with very bad/false expectations of what women are, and then proceed to expect these loony expectations to become real? Whose fault is that? Before you say societal programming, I suggest you consider that if this crisis is ever going to end, it will start with men. Women are currently having it their way, and they are never really content, as you know. And you recently wrote about this comfortable being uncomfortable. Peace and respect always.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 03:35 pm, 1st August 2014I agree. The spreadsheet husband is clearly a beta.
Absolutely. That’s why I have said most relationship problems within the first 3 years are MEN’S FAULT. No question about it. Betas and Alpha 1.0s are constantly falling into the trap you articulate, when they should know better.
It’s men’s fault. Men need to acknowledge how real women work in real life, instead of assuming that women are princesses, angels, or robots. That’s part of what this blog is all about, including this post.
Agree 100%. As I said in my recent Manosphere post, if men stopped getting monogamously married, much of this problem would vanish almost instantly.
AKA
Posted at 04:54 pm, 1st August 2014@boutrosboutros: “”I find the husband in the OP pathetic beyond belief. Asking for sex and then whining about it and composing a passive-aggressive Excel spreadsheet about it? Grow a pair, for fuck’s sake. Discuss marital issues like a grown-up, act like a man, and your wife will want you to fuck her. It’s not rocket science.””
I would almost gaurantee that excel man did all of that and got nowhere. His wife would deny that she ever denied him sex. That’s when he decided to document it.
As for discussing marital issues like a grown up. Well, I wish you all the best in that. women have no use for logical discussion. That tactic worked for the first few years of my marriage. Beyond that it took some dread game on my part to get my wife to see things my way.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 06:41 pm, 1st August 2014I agree with this also. While I still think the man is a beta, I am also quite sure he tried all kinds of things to get sex from his wife that didn’t work. I bet they included getting angry and getting tough…and it still didn’t work. (The Alpha 1.0 myth is that if you just “put your foot down” with your wife this will never happen. Untrue.)
He’s a beta because he didn’t tell her what you told your wife: “Fine honey, I’m fucking someone tonight. You can pick if it’s you, or the 27 year-old Starbucks barista from down the street.” Now that would probably work, but that’s not what betas (and many Alpha 1.0s) do. And if it didn’t work, get a divorce and move on.
MikeQ
Posted at 03:19 pm, 4th August 2014Hi BD, just found your site. At last ! The needy alpha was so me. Never seen this concept elsewhere. Just turned 45, wife is successful 44 yr old doctor. Just got the green light for open marriage due to her extremely poor vaginal health. Crohn’s disease. I am ready to walk at any time, but she knows she will never get an alpha again, or maybe even anyone. Finances totally separate, 50/50 assets in a trust for the teenage kids one day. I earn a lot more, that goes offshore or I just spend it. Her only concern is her local reputation as a respected doctor, and bastard kids. Vascetomy booked next month. I will be travelling a lot for work from next year, but I can fuck anything outside of a 50 mile radius now, or be incredibly discreet inside that radius.
My only question is……..LOGISTICS.
WHERE do you actually fuck these women, while in an open marriage ?
In motels ? Hotels ? Self-serviced apartments ?
Her house ? Which would get old real quick.
My house in middle of a week day ? I am that work flexible.
Get an apartment in big city 60 miles away ?
I just haven’t seen anything about this in your posts.
Regards
Mike.
Vaquero357
Posted at 09:40 pm, 5th August 2014@Mike: Welcome to the BD International Fan Club(R) – and congratulations on your civilized arrangement with your wife. You can get a lot of good info on how to set up your new lifestyle and answers to questions here: http://www.pua-zone.com/
~Vaquero
doclove
Posted at 10:52 am, 6th August 2014The Spreadsheet man should be happy that he never had any children with his wife. It is easy to tell a man to leave his wife if there is very little wealth which will be taken from him. It becomes more difficult if there is a lot of wealth to be taken from him especially if he is the one who is most responsible for making that wealth and she is not i.e. think of a millionaire business man witha stay atyt home wife. It is quite something more if he has to pay her alimony the rest of his life. The worst is when he gets seperated from his children whom he is bonded with and has to pay child support for. That is why I say why bother with marriage, children and living together? I can’t seen any good reason for any of them, can you?
Dawson Stone
Posted at 02:26 pm, 6th August 2014I couldn’t agree more with you on the not marriage, children and living together stuff.
I don’t agree with the staying married part.
Yes the financial impact of divorce sucks and is often is horribly unfair but what is your freedom worth? And the longer you stay married the higher and higher your exit costs become so I would argue that as soon as you realize you aren’t happy and can’t get happy you should begin your exit strategy.
Half of a lot of money is still a lot of money and you can always make more money…you can’t make more time.
The child thing can suck too but unless your wife is an absolute shrew, you can maintain an excellent relationship with your kid(s) if you work at it.
Eugene
Posted at 03:31 pm, 7th August 2014I feel like there’s on thing blackdragon misses in this post that’s only partially addressed that could be a big factor. Guys may not get bored of sex in general over years and may want to have sex in general, but they may get bored of their wives/girlfriends over the years.
Women are emotional creatures, and it’s very possible that they see a shift in their man over time,. He may not do the same things during sex that he once used to (making sure she feels good, etc.), and just stops caring in general, until it gets to the point where the wife starts to feel less connected/attracted to her man, and eventually loses interest in sex.
Remember that guys generally are ready to go at it any time, but it’s much better for women when they feel “safe” and “validated” leading up to and during sex. It helps them to let go more and enjoy the experience. If the husband loses interest or doesn’t feel as attracted to the wife over time (but still attracted enough to want sex), she may slowly just lose interest in sex in general.
My point being, blackdragon always talks about women’s biology forcing her to lose interest at the 3+ year mark, and I say…oftentimes, it does and can start with the man.
I’ve never been married, but from my relationship experience and experiences of friends, I’ve seen the loss of interest start with the guy first, and it wasn’t until much later that the woman slowly got to the point where she was refusing sex outright.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:42 pm, 7th August 2014I clearly mentioned in the article that it is sometimes the man’s fault. Yes, this sometimes happens.
It’s also true that sometimes it’s the man who is the one who gets bored with having sex with his wife. Yes, this sometimes happens too.
The question here is what usually happens in most cases. What is statistically most likely. And what usually happens in most cases, by a large margin, is that the wife starts pulling away from sex in the marriage first, way before the man does.
AKA
Posted at 07:28 pm, 7th August 2014@Eugene:
“””Women are emotional creatures, and it’s very possible that they see a shift in their man over time,. He may not do the same things during sex that he once used to (making sure she feels good, etc.), and just stops caring in general, until it gets to the point where the wife starts to feel less connected/attracted to her man, and eventually loses interest in sex.”””
This is exactly why monogamy is so challenging. It is very easy to get bored fucking the same person all the time.
On the other hand, if your woman thinks your sexual market value is higher than hers or if you are able to show her that you have sex appeal to other women, she will never grow tired of sex. My wife of 26 years has seen my ability to attract other women and she does me whenever/however I want. It is competition anxiety. I have flat out told my wife that if she doesn’t fuck me, I will find someone who will. I don’t say it as a threat. It is just my own personal boundary.
KDN6
Posted at 09:03 pm, 14th August 2014AKA, I agree with you in that “It is very easy to get bored fucking the same person all the time.” And as Eugene pointed out, it can be the man’s fault for “…not do the same things during sex that he once used to (making sure she feels good, etc.), and just stops caring in general.” I am definitely guilty of this.
I was in an Exception to the Rule relationship, where my ex wanted sex all the time. She did not live in a “married-woman bubble” as BD described, and I never received the “I’m not your hooker/slut” speech, even after 10 years. Perhaps it was “competition anxiety” as you put it or even what BD describes as Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV) and Social Proof. I don’t know. Maybe it could’ve been that she was a fucking nympho. What I do know is that even though she was a near perfect 9 at 104 lbs with a washboard stomach, a perfect ass, sexually accommodating in every way, and still remained relatively this way after 10 years (but with more curves and bigger boobs later)…I was still bored. Aside from other personal issues and especially financial problems(my fault for not keeping finances separate), I would say this is why unprepared monogamous relationships and particularly evil legal marriages simply do not work.
As Dawson Stone pointed out: “Even when married couples (or any couples for that matter) continue to have good and frequent sex it simply isn’t as exciting as something new.” Can you honestly say that fucking your wife of many years, the one who knows exactly what you like and when and where you like it, beats the anticipation and excitement of courting and fucking a new, hot, young piece of ass? I would argue that monogamy would lose 99% of the time. As BD pointed out, New Relationship Energy (NRE) can be even stronger than love (one the main reasons why monogamous people, especially Alphas cheat).
But to digress back to the original topic of withholding sex, it goes both ways. Not only women, but men do it as well. It is a human biological imperative that even with pair-bonding, we will always want to fuck something new and exciting. That’s what keeps us happy, free, and not bored.
john hill
Posted at 03:54 am, 26th October 2014Man, this is so spot on. Women getting cheated on by their husbands for withholding sex should just look in the mirror and say” fuck it,its my fault,I deserve that” instead of crying like a baby afterwards! Lets agree with their age old phrase of “sex is not everything in a marriage”, but its a big bloody part of it. It should be a part of human nature to want sex. The way many women reason is: So what if I don’t feel like sex, that doesn’t mean he should cheat on me. Which is exactly as dumb as saying: So what if he’s hungry, if I don’t feel like eating,he shouldn’t eat without me!
Women need to be thought a lesson,and change their stupid reasoning of: If he loves me he wouldn’t cheat on me. Instead they should start saying to themselves: If I love him,I should want to have sex with him!!!
john
Posted at 12:33 pm, 21st April 2015Three years is when prolactin hormones kick in the hardest. Dopamine is low since the relationship is not new and exciting anymore.
Couples often don’t do enough things that make their brains make oxytocin, the pair bonding hormone. Considering prolactin spikes higher in women than men, it makes sense if you have couples not doing loving things for each other that create oxytocin, the woman is going to be more likely to stray or leave, as her prolactin levels will be higher, in general, than the mans.
Its nothing evil about women, its just brain hormones. Do some things to encourage pair bonding, and things will work out better.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:08 pm, 21st April 2015She will still eventually get sexually bored with you and not want sex as often. It will just take a little longer to happen.
Bob
Posted at 07:00 pm, 18th January 2016You speak the truth. Unfortunately, most men end up learning the hard way.
Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams
Bob
Posted at 07:13 pm, 18th January 2016I’ve always thought that the outrage that a woman exhibited when learning that her man “cheated” on her was fake outrage and that she really wanted the relationship to end, but didn’t want to be the bad guy.
If a wife or a girlfriend isn’t fucking you, it’s not cheating, because the relationship has already ended. Two people in a sexless relationship are not a couple, they are just roommates.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:11 am, 19th January 2016That is not how married women see it.
If she stops having sex with you, absolutely nothing has changed in her mind.
DJ
Posted at 01:31 am, 21st June 2016@Maldek/BD,
Can you help in locating the scientific source for this (one of the top comments here):
“@1+2: True enough. Science has shown (exact reference found at CH) that the 3 year mark is valid because * If a female does not get pregnant within 6 months to max. 3 years her body starts to see her man as sterile and she will look elsewhere/refuse sex *”
I’ve looked for it online and at CH but cannot find it. Having the source would be very useful.
Any help much appreciated
Caleb Jones
Posted at 11:39 am, 21st June 2016I’m no biologist but I don’t buy that. The reason for the 3 year thing is:
1. If you cohabitate with a man for 3 years, you subconsciously start to view him as a family member, conflicting with the DNA that tells you that you shouldn’t fuck family members.
2. The pair-bonding dopamine created in her brain when she orgasms with you is the same chemical that creates sexual boredom with the same man at around the 3 year mark (or sooner) since these levels can’t be maintained that high for that long. The sudden drop (and other biological factors) creates sexual boredom for the same man she couldn’t get enough of 3 years ago.
DJ
Posted at 12:08 am, 22nd June 2016I get that. It’s just Maldek said there is a scientific reference for that, so it would be great to see it. Is there a way to private message him?
Caleb Jones
Posted at 03:23 pm, 23rd June 2016I can’t give out personal email addresses of other commenters, sorry. Maybe he’ll see your comment and respond.
name
Posted at 09:01 am, 30th August 2016Why not admit that if she does the fucking out of dutifulness it’s still… fucked fucking?
I mean, and any non-beta should agree: once she is annoyed or indifferent at best, it makes no difference if she still stands to be lying with her legs spread and your cock rubbing against her vagina or denies sex altogether.
The relationship is over either way.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:04 am, 30th August 2016Agree. I have a blog post going up on Thursday that discusses exactly that. I call it “wife sex.”
Troubadour
Posted at 06:31 pm, 2nd September 2016I’ve got a couple of different things going on in my (effectively) mono marriage. I haven’t been that into her in a long time, and my sex drive is low, so I didn’t ask very often. When I did ask, she actively denied me sex about half the time.
Half of that changed with “marriage 2.0” and she is available for sex anytime I have physical access to her, including some really unreasonable times. In the NRE 2.0 phase, I came home from work every morning and woke her up with cock. It was highly amusing for a few months, but the excitement wore off quickly. My low sex drive remained.
Oh well. It is taking much longer than I expected, but I do feel like I am making progress. I just switched up my image to great effect. I have gone with a look that is far less Beethoven and far more System of a Down. I’ve made friends with musicians and started jamming in my man cave. I’ve had some hot chicks over. Girlfriends of friends, but having hot chicks in my social circle can only help me.
There may be hope for this half crazy reforming beta after all. Maybe. If nothing else, I have already come a LONG fucking way from the kind of guy you were talking about in this post. In fact, I’m going to go fuck my wife now, because I can.
Bs
Posted at 04:36 am, 3rd September 2016So how did it play with our parents’ marriage?
it seems like the Baby Boomer Generation didnt have that problem.
what it the difference between the 2/3 generations?
did u write some article about it?
Caleb Jones
Posted at 12:24 pm, 3rd September 2016Bs, stop asking these stupid questions that I’ve already answered all over my blog. Go through my archive and do some reading. Then think before you ask.
Cally
Posted at 05:19 pm, 29th September 2016Blackdragon: I read most of these and found that most of the marital sex lives died because of boredom. I fall into a different category. My husband was not home from our wedding night January second 1982 till the morning of May 28th 1985. He was serving his other wife, the US navy submarine service. The day he came home was the start of is war with me, his father and the social order where he was coming back to.
After 33 years he has beat everyone down in that war until the very thought of having to deal with him causes hysterics in most of my and his fathers friends the end of January 2013 saw him come home from three years physical rehab after MRSA developed in his spine and heart. The week he came home he came home to discover I had been sleeping with an Old Boy Friend the last year and a half not expecting him to come home in a way I could full fill a promise I had made 31 years before to be a wife. I was expecting him home in a wheel chair. unable to complete that promise since MRSA caused his spinal cord to be crushed and partially severed. The doctors had all told me he had no nerve impulse in his legs. I thought it was everything below his waist.
Until 2009 it had been me many times on my knees begging him to just please stop defying everyone and being greedy about his seniority at work and his rights in the community our marital life would start when there was nobody that would be angry with his wants. just try and work with everyone over needs. We could start a life latter. Every year it was latter please stop upsetting everyone and I would start a family with him. I just wanted nobody angry when we did. the only one angry was my husband after 1987 I had been sent home to my mothers once for two years because I felt he was holding use under a gun with his seniority. Two times in two years I had to go to the mat for a pretty blond my husband did not like at work. If any thing I think the word was loathed. he felt she used her looks to get any thing she wanted from the men there, She even asked if he was gay a year after he came home because she had tried everything to get his approval. When he returned after 956 days under water and the rest of the three and a half years in sequestered schools or refits. He came back with his honorable discharge which under the UAW Contract His time continued to accrue as long as he came back with an honorable discharge He came off his military leave with 8 and a half years more seniority than this girl. so when he was going to put her on second shift taking himself off second with a shift preference. I had promised if he could hold off using his seniority for two years after his return to keep down the disruptions that upon the second anniversary of his return I would be the wife he had expected six months after our fifth wedding anniversary. just let her keep days instead of destroying her social life, I said if he could keep the peace with everyone from that day until 2 years from then our marriage could start with nobody yelling screaming or crying he was mean. I will tell you that those three years isolation was not the man that had left the day of our wedding. He was cold, more than logical, Thought like the trident Computers he maintained. He was also strong powerful and very much wanting things his way from the second he returned.
I had been told to keep out of sight his fist week home to make it easier to get him to do things that others wanted. like not take the 30 days after his discharge the contract allowed. they wanted him on his old position the second he walked through the door. his first day was his mother begging him to just do as his father wanted and not start his homecoming with murdering his father who was screaming stop thinking of what he wanted think of me and go reinstate, he would see me soon enough he did not need to that morning.
His mother was saying there is always tomorrow. He went in and they put him on second the first day may 28th 1985. He was home at just after four the next morning to again the note to take the sofa after 12 hours, it was his fathers intension t keep him as much of balance, as possible, The next morning a little under an hour laying his head down his father again yanked him off the sofa to get out looking for a place to live. This time the argument turned deadly, his mother was yelling for me and his youngest brother and sister to come help stop a murder. He had his father pinned to the ceiling with one hand. telling him he could use his body to tear bulkheads out to find me, that he should do it because he had already got on his last nerve and he was getting off. That I was going with him and go to the bank first he had 12000 to put in it from his discharge, he had a rental to turn in and wanted to know where his blazer was, it had been traded on a Firebird the year before, he was not happy about that.
He was also getting something in his stomach since the last five days all he had was coffee through his discharge procedure and drive home. It took me tugging on his sleeve and begging him to put his father who was turning blue down I was ready to go.
By the time he went to work we had found a new house. was picking up the keys the next morning, getting everything, like cable and utilities started and was again met by the same note that morning after another 12 hour shift. this time his father ran for the door. My husband got the cashiers check for the house.
Went to Ft Ben and arranged delivery for the things I left in storage in South Carolina and he had moved during the discharge. When we got back to his fathers he was there with to women. He was screaming at his son when was he going to be a man and just let things go. One of the women was a very pretty blond of 19. the other worked where his father did and was her mother. She was crying on his fathers shoulder. My husband slapped a guardianship down on the table he had been served with saying and why wasn’t he told I was mentally ill. He said she had six months seniority he had nine, under the contract he had the right to bump off shift, under that contract she was the same as him under seniority rules. second shift would have killed her social life. I promise to start our life in two years from that point to keep the peace. He stormed out of his fathers house yelling I was a mercenary bitch with his old army foot locker and bivwac kit from the garage with the house keys, he was not coming back to his fathers the next morning. instead his mother and I went to try and get things smoothed over, we found his father laying in the yard with his nose broken crying that something had to be done to make my husband a responsible human.. My husband was getting the fridge stocked and had several Mcdonalds breakfast sandwiches. when he looked up and said why was I there I should be getting job to pay my half of the house and expenses since I was just a room mate.
The next two years was nothing but when was his roommate going to be worth her salt or be a wife that was the only conversation once a week we had. he washed his cloths, fixed his own meals, slept on his bivwac kit foam mat in a different room. then three months before the two years was up. he had worked twelve hours a day, 16 on Sundays and holidays. and I finally got him to talk about a vacation that June a work perk through his union was able to get a trip to Rome for less than half the cost for a group over 12 people. we were planning it as the honey moon we never had his father came over one evening about a month before telling me there was a problem with my husband going. The same girl wanted to go with her parents and fiancé to get married but one person was in the way with his approved vacation slot. if he went she and her fiancé could not, so it was again my responsibility to get my husband to cooperate, I went hat in hand and only got him to stay and work in their place with the promise any time, any place and any way my husband wanted, I would be a willing wife and travel companion. I was even made to sign what I was swearing to and two copies notarized.
Him taking us to the airport was not in the least fun, with him saying,’ Yas massas dis po house nigger gets right tyo getting yous things to de check in, since weuns was not happy with him we’s als can strap him to de wheel when we’s returned an beats him good all rested.
Leaving him there left the first bad taste. then when we returned we wanted to go to breakfast and show him the. pictures we took in Rome, give him the peace offering of new boots. and talk to him about taking his vacation starting after the Christmas down week chose any three weeks from January second to February the 14th it was only six months from then and nobody else liked that time frame found out he did not either. . he ruined the good feeling coming back by wanting to take off on a western road trip about the second I was down the ramp, he did not care who’s plans he was killing because his were ruined.
I was put on a Trailways with a 20000 dollar cashiers check and 1000 dollars in my purse with the words give the boots to the next chump I caught. He has never looked at any of the pictures any on took of the ten vacations we went on while he worked.
We lost complete control in November 2001 when he put four younger seniority in Critical care on our front porch on November sixth 2001. All over a job bid he wanted. with three other ex military seniority.
the next 12 years went from bad to worse. In 2008 he crushed a mans face snatching a shotgun out of his hands and used the butt on him for with his father and several others using them to intimidate him into going to wok on a thanksgiving he turned down with his 34 years seniority. I had stoped trying to reason with him in 2001.
then the orient express trip in 2009. We took his reservations on it in the double he had reserved. We traded it for a single for me his father even made up the ten percent cancelation fee I was going to hold the check until Christmas seven months from then and give him a full five weeks in January in St Croix. He could certainly wait for that and left his coworker with 2 years seniority have that time with his new four month pregnant bride have a honey moon. we thought getting TSA to let us use a empty office to tell him we were planning something to replace this time in January and he could get his passport back from TSA after we were in the air, he did not have to threaten any one with jail time to get it back this time. in 2006 he had his father and a bank manager thrown in jail after that vacation to London to get them to give him his passport back out of a safe deposit. But the orient express trip we had his union steward, union clergy. I was trying to explain wait for a surprize gift at his gate that Christmas he would be more than happy about it. I was not happy when I piled up against the wall and he ripped my boarding pass in half. My shoulder was badly dislocated he’s yelling if he was not going this time he was not paying my way to go. and then his father was yelling be a dam man go to work he would get a vacation the first in three decades, if he just shut up and did as he was told He could get his passport in 35 minutes after we left., I saw him throw his father at TSA agents after he blacked out from his sons fingers around his throat.
He would not come get us at the airport when we returned and had us arrested when we finally arrived home. For grand theft, the check was required to be countersigned to make it good and we had to do it in front of the judge to make restitution I saw him once at work on labor day morning to try and get him to come home. Just to sit and talk about what the union did about the upcoming, Holidays, they were locking him out over the holidays, He would not be clocked in, and we wanted him to go to bat for the newly wed he had fired the day he came back. He was working at a Mcdonalds trying to support a pregnant wife.
Then We were called to the main Campus of the hospital, were we found him going into surgery on his spine, A MRSA abscess had formed causing the crushing and partial severing of the cord. His father was upset he did not get to go to Chicago for a football game that next day because he was going with the man that was called into work for his son.
They had told me and his mother the previous night we needed to expect he was not going to survive. When his father appeared he demanded to know why somebody had to work for his son.
We did not see him for two days while they kept him in a coma. when he woke up He had no feeling from the top of his legs down drawing 34 years of service to a close. We started hearing that we had stole his life for three decades, In 2012 we were telling him if he needed to he could get in touch with us in Isreial through the Embasey. Before that discussion was over his father had a bed pan knock him out. A year latter I had started seeing an old Boyfriend when my husband walked up the steps with a cane and announced he was not accepting his life as it had been. First after I spent one final night saying goody to my boyfriend from 31 years before. he tried to humliate my husband by sweeping his cane putting him on the floor, My husband used that cane to fracture his scull two minutes latter then started beating on him. My husband ended up in a stress center for two weeks.
We were hoping for a return to a nice dinner where all could have a say about how to go from there. a timetable to include him in traditions even a sex life. after 31 years. the night the center sent him home was the worst. I was invited to go to an invitation only event dinner with my husbands parents as the fourth at a table with his fathers best friend. The weather outside was a -40 and I heard the door open and close. I was just finishing getting ready in a new lavender cocktail dress and I went out to see who arrived and bounce of my husbands chest. I was crying before the first words were out. begging my husband to meet everybody any where he wanted in four hours so we could hammer out something to include him. I said The last 31 years were not meant to happen as they did nobody was paying attention except him to the time that had passed. we just needed time now to adjust to him not being in a wheel chair as expected. I also could tell the probabilities of going to that event were going down fast.
I knew I was in a very dangerous situation when he announced from that second on he was the final judge and arbiter under the roof he had provided, that I was going to be the wife he expected 31 years before and nobody was going to tell him what he was allowed and not allowed from that second on he was the sole decision maker in our house, And He was expecting me to act the part at least. I took for the door to try and get help, he ripped the dress and everything else I was wearing to shreds and he was screaming that I was a whore that he had paid more for that the other men had serviced.
I tried pointing out the good things that had been done with the time he gave up and I said please what was about to happen did not have to happen in rage. HE said then how else, and he forced me on the living room floor. I went into the bedroom with the wireless phone with instructions to call 911, he said e would be holding his head high when they took him from jail to the court, he said when everything came out he wondered how I would hold my head or would we all be under our coats. He said don’t clean up for the rape kite and don’t pick up for the photos. He had my journals scanned and could have hung so many out to dry with the documentation he had.
He Threw his fathers friend off the porch after he tried forcing his way in. W think it was to o through his fathers windshield But he ended up wit a six by four inch flap of skin peeled back and a concussion. that’s the last time I ever tried saying no. Now his mother is dead there’s nobody that can get him to be reasonable. Many of my friends wont talk to me because he’s not forgiving any thing. Every time somebody crosses his rights he cross’s them with a fist.
So The only recommendation I can make about refusing sex is be prepared f a backlash that might mnot be in any way pleasant and can hurt so many. even yourself.
Vincent
Posted at 05:56 am, 7th February 2017@john hill: “Which is exactly as dumb as saying: So what if he’s hungry, if I don’t feel like eating, he shouldn’t eat without me!”
Umm… Don’t tell me your wife never pulled this on you. I learned to pay attention to what she’s snacking when we’re out shopping/relaxing/whatever, and if I see she’s eating something big, I know I should buy something too because I won’t be getting any food at home 🙂
Maverick
Posted at 12:25 am, 21st February 2018Before marriage- we had sex all the time – even during her period- we just put a towel on the bed.
4 years into marriage – she doesn’t want to do that any more- she says she isn’t ‘adventurous’ as she used to be and threats of withholding sex have begun when she gets upset with me.
I still have sex with the wife way more than most married men do though. I think I am an exception though and I agree with what Blackdragon says here.
TT San
Posted at 08:36 pm, 15th September 2018I swear, this guy lol accuracy is on 100% u make me laugh more when u know im nodding, laughing & agreeing. Legend. Well said. Most of your women blogs help me learn alot more and remain calm and not react so much now and progress in life with ease. But geez women sure are hardwork as i’ve noticed a heavy pattern in my past of many relationships with girls. Wouldn’t bother any of us guys if we didnt love women and their amazing bodies/company. Wish you the best & success. Hope to see more of your stuff.