15 Sep Funny Events From My Relationship Life
Something fun and light today. Below are a few random, interesting, humorous events that have happened to me over the last (almost) eight years I’ve experienced as a nonmonogamous Alpha. Everything below is 100% true to the best of my recollection. They are listed in no particular order.
-By Caleb Jones
One thing I always preface with whenever I tell woman stories: some of the very best stories I have I can’t tell you. They’re just too crazy, or people wouldn’t believe them, or I made promises to keep them a secret, or too many people would get in trouble (not me, other people). So any story I tell publicly about any woman ever is usually a runner-up to the best stories. It’s just the way it is; some of you more women-experienced guys know what I mean.
Here we go:
Gotcha!
Back when I was still perfecting my system, but was at the point where I was getting pretty good, I was on a third date with a cute 23 year-old. We were walking downtown and no one was around. I tried to get sexual and she resisted. It was at least the third or fourth time she had resisted any physical intimacy on all three dates, yet she still wanted to hang out with me.
In a very stupid move of verbalization that I should never have done, I said, “When a woman doesn’t get sexual by the third date with a guy, that means one of three things. Either she likes him but doesn’t want to go too fast for whatever reason…” She looked at me blankly. “Or she just wants friend zone…” She looked at me blankly. “Or she’s already fucked another guy and now she doesn’t know what to do with the first guy.” Her face suddenly turned bright red and she made a nervous laugh. “How do you KNOW this stuff?” she asked, still laughing nervously.
We never had sex.
I’m In Love
One time on a second date with an older blonde (I think she was 40), she was telling me about how, in her next marriage, they were going to rent a cheap apartment downtown. There, her future husband would be allowed to go have sex with other women all he wanted down there as long as he “didn’t bring it home” and was “home by six.”
Oh, sweet irony. Little did she know who she was talking to.
I was drooling as she was speaking and fell in love with her pretty much instantly. It didn’t work out; she had too many gold digger tendencies. But if she hadn’t, she would have rocketed to OLTR status faster than any other woman in Blackdragon history.
A Daring Risk
I once had an FB who was…older, to say the least. As in, over 50. (Thus far she’s the oldest woman I’ve ever been with.) She had wonderful genetics so she still looked great. As I always say, I’m extremely attracted to older women as long as they don’t have the usual over-33 ASD problems.
For some reason, she never wanted to take her shirt or bra off during sex. Not that I cared, but finally one day I told her I “had to see them.” She was very nervous, concerned that she was older and if I didn’t like them I would never be attracted to her again.
I made her a deal. I said she should show me them for just a few seconds, and if I really didn’t like them, I would simply put her bra back on, never bring it up again, and we would continue as we always did. I meant it. This convinced her.
As she slowly removed her bra, I’ll admit I was nervous. What if they looked like disgusting old-lady tits? Saggy bags? Golf-ball-in-a-sock? Yikes! I started to shudder at the possibilities. Maybe I should have stayed ignorant.
She removed her bra to reveal…two breasts that were among the nicest and perkiest I had ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Seriously; she was medical marvel. They were real too. I whooped with joy and was all over them.
It was a good day. Cue the never-judge-a-book-by-its-cover lesson.
That Awkward Moment
Years ago I had one of my younger women in the car with me. She was 18 at the time and a freaky deeky bee-otch. I was driving to drop her off somewhere, when I suddenly realized I had to go pick up my son, who was also 18 at the time, for a completely different reason I had forgotten about. As a rule, I always keep my kids away from my women, so I racked my brain trying to figure out a way to drop her off before I picked him up, or to have someone else pick him up.
I don’t remember the details, but I was unable to do it. So with my teeth gritted, I told little miss 18 year-old to be on her best behavior in the presence of my son. She winked at me and said, “I saw that picture you have of your son on your desk. He’s hot!”
As soon as my son entered the car, she immediately got flirty with him. Fortunately she was in the front seat and he was in the back, so there was a phsycial barrier. I drove as fast as I could to her destination to kick her ass out of the car. It wasn’t fast enough. That awkward moment when your 18 year-old FB is flirty with your 18 year-old son. Ah, Alpha Male problems…
No Russian
Once I told one of my Russian women to talk dirty to me during sex in Russian. I told her she was free to say whatever she wanted, even negative things, because I don’t speak the language. She responded, “Ugh I will never do that! That’s what they do on the Sopranos! Make their Russian hookers speak Russian during sex! Ohhhhhh no!”
Unpleasant Surprise
One time I made out with a cute 29 year-old blonde who, though I didn’t realize it at the time, was a female bodybuilder. Have you ever grabbed a woman’s ass in the throes of passion only to realize it’s hard-rocker than your own ass? It was like trying to squeeze a bowling ball.
Yeah. A little bit of a turn off. I like my women just a little squishy. Cute face though.
Pseudo Dad
Two 18 year-olds I was seeing came to me one day, asking to throw a big party at my house. Of course I said hell no. They started pleading their case and negotiating with me. Suddenly one turned to the other and said, “Oh my god. This is just like trying to convince your dad of something.”
Slobber
There was once a woman I was messing around with for about two weeks who had a very interesting problem. Whenever we made out we slobbered all over each other. When we were done we seriously had to wipe our mouths with our sleeves. It was as gross as it was interesting. I have made out with a lot of women in my day, numbering well into the triple digits, and I had never had this problem with any other woman, nor had it since. For some reason, the way she kissed and the way I kissed were completely incompatible.
She finally broke up with me over texts saying I was a great guy and she was really attracted to me but the slobber was just too much. I was thinking exactly the same about her, agreed with her completely, and wished her well.
All Backed Up
I once had a MLTR, a very attractive blonde, who would never go “number two” in the presence of any other human beings within her general vicinity. She had this weird phobia about it. Whenever I was over at her place, if she had to go, she literally held it until I left, even if it was hours later.
It was really bizarre since she was completely normal other than this one weird trait. I actually had to start telling her on texts before I came over to make sure she “took care of business” before I arrived (and hopefully took a shower right after). Not the most romantic texts you want to be sending, but hey, ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.
It’s Always the Crazy Ones
I had several dates with a cute blonde in particluar (notice a pattern here? I like blondes). She seemed completely normal until I got her back to my place and she got comfortable with me. Then she started talking about FEMA death camps that the US government was secretly building and how the world was run by lizard people. She was not making a joke. She was dead serious.
I just did what I always do when a hot chick says something insane. I just nodded thoughtfully and said “Um hm” while staring at her tits. As she continued going on about the Lizard Illuminati, I was thinking, “Okay, now you’re officially in the FB category, sweetie.”
She was fantastic in bed by the way. Why are the craziest ones often the best ones in bed?
Perfect English
One of my long-term Asian girls would constantly screw up her English language in hilarious ways. Every time I had to correct her we both ended up laughing. Here are a few examples, and imagine a thick Asian accent as you read them:
She brushed her hair and said, “I need air conditioning.” Translation: She needed more hair conditioner for her shower.
She saw a stuffed pinata at the store (you know, those colorful Mexican horse-things you smash and get candy from?) and said, “Oh, cool! I want that pina colada!”
Once during sex I said, “That’s so hot!” and she replied, “Turn on your fan.”
She once saw I had a lot of dirty dishes in my sink and commented on it. I said I didn’t know how to wash dishes. She screamed, “You put water, bitch!”
Over time, I often repeated that catch phrase to her and her friends in order to identify her. It still makes me laugh to this day.
Jealousy Issues
A woman was once taking a shower at my place. She grabbed one of my towels, and started freaking out and screaming when she found “another woman’s bikini” wrapped in it. The bikini belonged to my daughter, who was nine years old at the time.
Needless to say, her little outburst got her an instant soft next.
Lesbians Are Awesome
One long-term MLTR I had, a redhead in her late 20s, had lots of lesbian friends and often liked to go to lesbian bars. She always wanted me to come along. Being an introvert, I said no forever. Finally I relented and went. I was surprised to discover that lesbians are some of the coolest people to hang out with when you’re a guy. They’re tornadoes of drama to each other, but being a dude none of that affects you.
We went out and I had a great time watching the ugly butch lesbians hit on the slightly less-ugly, more feminine lesbians at this huge lesbian dance club. They also had the best jalapeno poppers in town and I became a huge fan of the place pretty much for that reason. My MLTR, being heavily bisexual, would also get turned on by some of the “cute” (her words, not mine) lesbians she flirted with, making sex great for me that night.
We ended up doing this several more times. I had a great time and learned a lot, making lots of notes regarding female behavior.
Bad Girl
This one is one of my personal favorites and still makes me smile even though it happened many years ago. I was seeing a super hot woman, a personal ten. Blonde, beautiful, petite, trim, feminine, with big tits and ass. It was the second (or third?) date, and I went to pick her up at her place. We had sex only once by that time. I’ll call her “Suzi.”
She lived in one of those secured apartments where the person has to buzz you into the building. I buzzed her apartment, and a man answered the phone. The conversation went something like this:
Him: Hello?
Me: Hi! Is Suzi there?
Him (suddenly angry): Who is this?
Me (happy voice): It’s Blackdragon! Who is this?
Him (his voice getting sterner): Uh, this is her HUSBAND.
Me: Really? Suzi’s married huh?
Him: Uh, yeah she is!
Me: Awesome! Congratulations! And you might want to ask your sweet little angel what she does in her spare time when you’re not around. You should probably tell her to get that little mole on the side of her ass looked at too. Bye!
Then I turned around and left.
Later she sent me frantic texts about how she was “so sorry” blah blah blah. The problem was her husband (who she had told me was her “ex” husband) was a roided-out thug with a criminal record. So I reluctantly had to hard next. It’s never fun nexting a personal ten, but the world is full of personal tens. If one doesn’t work out, you can always go get more.
That’s all for today. Don’t get me wrong; these are the weird women. The vast majority of women I’ve had in FB and MLTR relationships have been perfectly normal. Don’t judge my typical woman based on the oddball stories above. I could tell you about all the “normal” women in my life, but stories about women being awesome and low-drama probably aren’t going to entertain you.
Feel free to add your own funny situations from your own relationship or dating life in the comments. I know a lot of you have many of these.
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Jack Outside the Box
Posted at 07:00 am, 15th September 2014Two questions for you BD:
1. Why are you opposed to your son fucking one of your women? What’s wrong with that? Some women would even find a father/son threesome to be hot! Even if you don’t want to go that far, I’d say sharing a woman with your son or daughter (if your daughter turns out bi) is an act of love. I mean that. At the very least, letting one of your MLTRs fuck your son once or twice would make you a really cool dad, just like mothers who let you fuck their daughters. As long as everyone is 18 or older, I don’t see a problem. What’s up with this double standard of yours? Are you worried about awkward Thankgivings?
2. Why the fuck would you blab to the woman’s husband like that? That is very anti-secret society. You should have kept the husband in the dark, thus earning her trust and your SS credentials. Exposing a woman’s cheating ways to her husband like that before you even knew he was a thug (and thus, that you’d be hard nexting her) was very uncool. It is you who owes her an apology.
Brave New Man
Posted at 07:53 am, 15th September 2014Ahah this is hilarious! I can relate to the Perfect English one. Perfect post for a Monday.
Ross
Posted at 08:55 am, 15th September 2014Awesome post. You should do this again if you have any more!
Obeyx
Posted at 09:13 am, 15th September 2014Gotta agree with jack in the box on number 2 that seems kinda reactive and alpha male 1.0ish.
I understand it was prolly a one time thing but still.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 09:52 am, 15th September 2014I’m not, and if you read carefully I didn’t say that anywhere in the post. He could fuck any of my women (outside of an OLTR) and it would be no problem (he’s in his early 20s now).
What I was referring to in the post is that it’s very shitty parenting to have your kids see you with a constant parade of new women all the time. One woman who has proven stability in your life is okay, but not a parade. (He was technically 18 at the time but still living at home. Obviously a son who was well over 18 and living on his own would be a different story.)
You need to cut me some slack on that one since it was six or seven years ago and I’ve done a lot of growing since then.
If it had happened today I would have handled it differently. I’ve been with a few married women in my day and kept it all very discreet. (Look at the image for the post.) In the case above she was putting my physical being at risk by lying to me in a situation with a violent, criminal husband. Still, if it had happened today, I would have just quietly nexted and not said anything.
That’s the danger of posts like this; readers will assume the above events were very recent and thus be confused. As I said at the top of the post, these are things from the last eight years or so.
Not one of the above events occurred in the last 2.5 years.
Diggy
Posted at 11:38 am, 15th September 2014Haha, well played.
I was one a first date at a restaurant. Another woman I was dating text me and said she was en-route to said place and asked me to join. I told her I only had a second and diverted her next door. Same restaurant, same parking lot, but different building for deserts. I excused myself from the date and walked next door. I took a few bites of her ice cream while I flirted for a few mins, excused myself and went back to my other date. Worked perfectly…although I anticipated otherwise! The first date was in the rotation for some time. I did, however, learn the value to wide and varied dating places after that.
Ken
Posted at 01:39 pm, 15th September 2014“and how the world was run by lizard people.”
Lol … David Icke. He has way too many followers, especially in places like PDX. I meet plenty of people here, including girls, who buy into weird stuff like this …. I just smile and nod, or steer the conversation somewhere else.
For me, one of the many charms of living here.
Anon
Posted at 01:54 pm, 15th September 2014Blackdragon have you ever had any experience with girls with Borderline Personality Disorder?
If so how do you handle them?
Thanks
Matt T.
Posted at 03:04 pm, 15th September 2014Great stories! Okay, here’s one that happened to me:
My FB once lived in a 3rd-story apartment of a large 3-story house, and her landlord was desperately attracted to her. The whole neighborhood knew how much of a sleazeball the landlord was, and to make it worse, the landlord lived on the 1st floor of the same house. He made passes at her very publicly almost everyday. So, one day, I was fucking my FB on her coffee table in her 3rd floor apartment, and the pounding was reverberating throughout the house. While we were fucking, her phone went crazy getting text after text after text. After we were done, she checked her phone, and all of the tenants on the 1st and 2nd stories asked her the same thing: “DID YOU LET THAT SLEAZEBALL FUCK YOU?”
Free&Strong
Posted at 03:09 pm, 15th September 2014Man, these stories are golden BD, even more so since they’re all true. The “lizard lady” and the “Bad Girl” are the best ones.
Thanks for sharing some of the warts that come with the lifestyle.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:38 pm, 15th September 2014Diggy – Two dates at the same time! I’ve had three first dates in a row at the exact same place before, but never at the exact same time. You win the award for biggest balls.
Matt – You should have told her to answer, “Yes, but a higher quality sleazeball.”
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:48 pm, 15th September 2014For a while I thought it was Alex Jones, who I actually kinda like sometimes when he’s not a complete psycho, but yeah, it probably was Icke.
Oh I LOVE women like this. Best sex ever.
I feel so sorry for all the guys who “screen” their women; they’ll never get to experience the thrill and hotness of sex with a truly crazy bee-otch. They’re wonderful beyond words. (Just gotta keep them at the FB level, but that’s easy.)
I’m going to try not to get off on a rant here, but in my strong opinion, too many guys in PUA / manosphere these days have become addicted to diagnosing women with psychological conditions that may not even apply. This woman has PTSD, that woman has OCD, that woman over there has BPD, this one is bi-polar. I think the whole thing is silly, KJ, and useless.
A woman is either problematic or not. If she’s problematic, she either throws drama at you or not. Those are the only two data points you need.
If she’s problematic and throws drama at you, SOFT NEXT! If she does it again, HARD NEXT!
If she’s problematic and doesn’t throw drama at you, awesome! Make her an FB, treat her accordingly, and enjoy the sex. Lizard Lady was like this and she was fantastic. I could care less what her specific mental condition was.
It’s that simple. Stop over-analyzing women.
Ken
Posted at 05:12 pm, 15th September 2014The girls I encounter who believe in things like Lizard People aren’t generally “crazy” …. they just have wacky ideas regarding politics, or religion, or cosmology, or whatever. But in their day to day affairs, they’re quite intelligent/functional/rational. For example, one woman I met, who was an Icke fan, also designed and owned a small but successful line of children’s clothing.
Steven
Posted at 08:56 pm, 15th September 2014You might like David Icke BD. He promotes Polyamory.
Bellum
Posted at 02:35 am, 16th September 2014Six years ago, when I was in my early twenties and had only just discovered the Game, I had number closed a party girl on the train.
I had her pick me up at home, took her to a cocktail bar and then asked her to return home with me for some cava.
She clarified nothing was going to happen. I laughed, strongly agreed and called her a perv.
Back at my place we popped a bottle of champagne from my balcony, and after some kino settled in the couch.
She crawled ever closer and I playfully backed away, adding to the tension and savoring the moment.
She jumped me as a cougar and then…
Her boyfriend called, a great many times. Full of indignation and righteous fury she would tell at him she was just passing time with a friend and he needed to trust her.
After listening to her complain about her boyfriend, I told her it was time to call it a night.
She promised to make it up to me by making green pancakes for me next weekend, after which we would resume our loveplay.
At this point I was no longer interested in her whatsoever as she had turned out to be a treacherous creature, but the prospect of nettle based pancakes led me to agree on a follow up date.
When the time came, I marched to her residence with the appetite of a wolf.
I rang the door three times, yet no answer came. Slightly thrown of my game I called her.
She giggled and said she forgot but was in bed with another girl after a night of hard partying and I should come join them as the girl was a mutual acquintance of ours who lived nearby.
In my famished state, bewildered by hunger and the lack of green pancakes, I remained totally oblivious to the implied threesome and decided to scold her instead, severing all lines and burning all bridges.
It was only after I had eaten some Norman pancakes and had my morning coffee, that I fully realised my error.
Sparks
Posted at 07:45 am, 16th September 2014Great stories BD, I love this blog
AKA
Posted at 08:05 pm, 16th September 2014BD: “In a very stupid move of verbalization that I should never have done, I said, “When a woman doesn’t get sexual by the third date with a guy, that means one of three things”
Yes you forced her to make a choice, so maybe that is not optimal. But what should you have done to get this girl off the fence?
Dawson Stone
Posted at 09:25 am, 17th September 2014@BD
“In the case above she was putting my physical being at risk by lying to me in a situation with a violent, criminal husband.”
Oh come on. You put yourself at risk by provoking him. I agree it was a while ago but don’t justify it now. You poked the bear and that could have worked out very badly for you. The smart move would have been to say “wrong number” when he answered and delete her number.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:38 am, 17th September 2014I should have never verbalized anything and simply got her back to my place on date 2 or 3 and sexually escalated. If she resisted on date 2 but there was some action, I would have tried again on date 3. If she resisted on date 3 with no further action, I would have nexted. Ah, those were the days of trial and error.
Allow me to repeat something I said above you clearly missed: If it had happened today I would have handled it differently.
Dawson Stone
Posted at 07:36 pm, 18th September 2014Come on BD I love your shit but really?
I didn’t miss anything. You partially justified your behavior while saying “In the case above she was putting my physical being at risk by lying to me in a situation with a violent, criminal husband.”
If you left that part out I would totally agree with you. 🙂
skills
Posted at 08:21 pm, 18th September 2014Good post! bd! I like when you bring out more down to earth posts like this… Really enjoyed the reading loled couple of times.
POB
Posted at 12:20 pm, 19th September 2014There was a time when I got this chick who was a friend of my sister. We were at a wedding and I convinced her to come to my place where we banged like two wild animals. Needless to say I was shitty drunk and woke up next morning with a massive hangover. So I drove her home (meaning got rid of her ASAP as I was barely standing) and got back to my place to crash.
4 hours later the phone rings. It was my parents calling me to have lunch, which I gladly accepted as my body was desperate for some food. So I go to this restaurant and, to my surprise, they invited the same girl to join us.
Awkward isn’t a good word to describe the situation of me and her facing each other, in the middle of a family meeting, where no one except ourselves had a clue that hours early I had my cock filling her holes LOL.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 05:02 pm, 19th September 2014POB: Awesome.
Shanghai Bobby
Posted at 03:41 pm, 10th November 2015Heya BD,
Loving your stories mate. Just got a quick question, in your opinion, am I wasting my time with this prospect? I’m not sure how to interpret this situation.
Daygamed super hottie, had her back at my place after approx 1.5 hours (no sexytime, just lots of heavy flirting, some light petting, no kisses and deep convo, with a second catch up for this Friday for beers). Total facetime around 3.5 hours:
Found out she was newly engaged (total time with bf 4 months from meet to now).
she’s 18
Her bf is still back in Germany, she’s currently here on her Overseas Experience (6 months).
Also found out that he told her he loved her after 4 days.
Also found out that he met her through his room-mate who is her older brother.
Also found out probably 60% of her fun sex stories, sex habbits, her being heavily bi, squirts, loves bondage and etc… blah
Had her straddling me at one point (I was demonstrating to her what I’d do to her if she wasn’t so “deeply in love”
Have not kissed her yet
She’s convinced she also really loves him, but flirts like no tomorrow with me
Told me if she was single, we would already be doing fun stuff
Said the bf will fly over to travel with her for a couple of months; last 3 months she’ll be here by herself and doesn’t know what to do
Said super glad I talked to her that day and says more guys should daygame
My analysis of the situation is that:
potential for something to happen – most likely in the 3 month period after he goes
she’s still in disney honeymoon phase and convinced she’s found the one, even though he sounds like a mega chode
Will get mad ASD and LMR this Friday, probably 5% chance or less of something happening
Your thoughts and expert wisdom/knowledge would be highly appreciated!
Many thanks,
SB
Caleb Jones
Posted at 06:56 pm, 10th November 2015As usual, hit her up for a second date and escalate to sex, next if that doesn’t work. Don’t get needy for her (you are) and don’t assume the situation is unique (it’s not).
Shanghai Bobby
Posted at 07:00 pm, 10th November 2015Thanks for this mate!
It wasn’t until following you that I realized the whole they’ll just come back to you if you don’t chase them thing. Wasn’t until that long ago that the chicks I banged started going from slag-o-saur-heemus to super hot. How long before this neediness goes away? It’s getting a bit better, but not as fast as I’d like it to!
Caleb Jones
Posted at 07:43 pm, 10th November 2015When you fuck more cute girls. Fucking lots of ugly/average girls raises neediness.
Shanghai Bobby
Posted at 07:52 pm, 10th November 2015Awesome, will keep you posted mate. Thanks again!
Silver Lining Girl
Posted at 08:04 pm, 10th November 2015@Shanghai Bobby
Not all will come back if you just wait; if a man rejects me or simply disappears, this signals to me that he is not interested and therefore it would be stupid, pointless, and weak of me to attempt to get with him again. I’m happy when they rebound back to me, of course, but I think it’s the person who did the original rejecting who has to do the reaching out.