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Oneitis is one of the most important topics we can discuss. One of the most important blog posts I ever made here was on this topic. There is still some confusion out there about what oneitis is and is not.
-By Caleb Jones
I have oneitis! I think about this girl all the time! We're not monogamous, I only see her once a week and never initiate contact, but man, I think about her every night! What can I do about this oneitis? I feel like a pussy!
You don't have oneitis.
The reason is simple: Oneitis is a set of actions, not a feeling.
If your actions are all in check, but you're still thinking about her all the time, that's not oneitis. That could be infatuation, NRE, lust, or several other things, but it's not oneitis.
Really desiring a particular woman is perfectly fine. I have those feelings all the time. What's not fine is losing your frame and compromising your masculinity and freedom by "going beta" and acting in certain ways. Emphasis on the word acting, which means you are taking actions, not feeling a certain way.
You start dating a new woman as a WD or MLTR. You follow all the usual effective open/poly relationship rules. You don't bring up the relationship and don't discuss monogamy. You never demonstrate irritation or jealousy if/when she talks about other guys. You don't spend very much money on her. You make her cum every time you have sex. You only see her once a week. You keep contact to a minimum. Most importantly, you keep having sex with other women. Et cetera.
Let's also say that you're constantly thinking about this girl 24/7 and can't keep her out of your mind. You go to sleep thinking about her. You sometimes find yourself bringing up a picture of her on your phone or computer just to look at it and smile. You get really excited when you see her name on your schedule for tomorrow night. After she leaves, you kinda miss her a little bit. You totally dig her.
You don't have oneitis. You just really like her. Liking someone is good. Acting like a beta is not. You're simply feeling happy feelings. That's good. Happiness is what life is all about. You're also not taking action on these feelings to betaize or emasculate yourself.
It's all good. You don't have oneitis. Relax. You're doing everything right.
Now let's switch things up a little. Take another guy with the exact same situation as the above, only this guy texts the girl every day. He also stalks her Facebook page and eagerly reads everything she posts and everything anyone else posts on her page. When she talks about her ex-boyfriend on a date, he gets pissed off and tells her to stop talking about that. He brings up topics like if they were to "move in together eventually." He stops having sex with other women (and when Blackdragon asks him why, he gets angry and defensive and says "Because I don't want to!"). He starts seeing her more than once a week. Et cetera.
This guy has oneitis. He's in big, big trouble. He's in for drama and/or betaization down the road. Maybe he's a beta and doesn't mind betaization, or maybe he's an Alpha Male 1.0 and doesn't mind the drama or kind of likes it, but that's irrelevant to the point: he has oneitis.
Unlike the first guy, this guy not only thinks about the girl all the time, but is also engaging in a set of actions indicative of hardcore oneitis and guaranteed to cause trouble down the road. That's the difference, and really the only difference. The first guy is experiencing emotions. The second guy is taking action.
I've mentioned before that have never had oneitis since my evolution to Alpha 2.0 about seven years ago. (Prior to that, as a beta, I had oneitis several times, and it sucked every time. I actually spent three of my four years in high school with serious oneitis for a girl who didn't like me at all. Man, that was brutal.)
I have also said that I experience NRE all the time and it's great.
So wait a minute...how can one be in NRE without having oneitis?
As above, you simply experience all of the positive feelings of NRE while not engaging in any of the actions of oneitis.
Many years ago (around 2008) I had hardcore NRE for a woman and later fell in love with her. The feelings of love I had for this women were the strongest I had ever felt. Yet, throughout the entire time, I never once promised her monogamy (or asked her for it), never once spent any serious money on her, never started contacting her often, never talked about "the relationship", and never did anything the typical lovestruck beta or Alpha 1.0 would normally do. All I did was tell her I loved her, which was true, but I kept following all the usual MLTR rules to a T (as well as I had them structured way back then; I was still largely in learning mode at that time).
This was a huge stepping stone for me and one of the greatest victories of my life. I had proven to myself that I could have powerful and extreme emotions for a woman while still not losing my frame, my balls, or my Mission. It felt like I had acquired some kind of super power, and indeed I had.
Since 2007 I have felt NRE with various women, probably around 12 times or so, and it was absolutely fantastic every time, but never once have I gotten oneitis. Never once did I allow the wonderful endorphins to make me sacrifice my freedom or masculinity (like a beta would) nor get me into territorial-mode and start getting jealous or domineering (and thus full of drama) like an Alpha 1.0 would.
I have NRE for someone relatively new right now, even as I type these words. It feels wonderful. But I still won't get oneitis for this person, even if she's Not Like The Rest™. As always, she'll have to follow the MLTR program for at least 6-12 months, and if after that she's still around and still not giving me any drama, I may convert her to OLTR. She may LSNFTE me well before then, and that's fine. If she sticks around but gives me any crap whatsoever, she'll be instantly soft nexted and I'll go have sex with another one of the women I'm seeing until she calms down. If she really causes me trouble, she'll be downgraded to FB or hard nexted, and my sex life and Mission continues.
In other words, the NRE, as powerful and wonderful as it is, will not modify any of my actions. It will not cause me to go monogamous, nor turn into a pussy, nor get me territorial and jealous and piss me off. The NRE will not become oneitis. It's all good without any of the bad. I promise that when you get to the point where you can feel powerful NRE or even love for a woman and still not get oneitis, a whole new life will open up for you.
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Greg 2014-11-26 07:27:25
When you are in NRE with a woman and she LSNFTEs you do you not feel bad, or you accept the bad feeling but take no action on it? When you are in NRE with a woman and she starts fucking someone else she finds attractive do you not feel bad, or you accept the bad feeling but take no action on it?
superslaviswife 2014-11-26 09:33:50
Your definition of oneitis, if reciprocal, sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world. Why would you avoid that?
Blackdragon 2014-11-26 10:13:30
When you are in NRE with a woman and she LSNFTEs you do you not feel bad, or you accept the bad feeling but take no action on it?I accept the temporary bad feeling and take no action to get her back. I do indeed take action to have sex with other women and refocus on my Mission. And by the way, LSNFTEs are very rare during NRE. If she's feeling NRE too she won't want to leave you until the NRE has passed.
When you are in NRE with a woman and she starts fucking someone else she finds attractive do you not feel bad, or you accept the bad feeling but take no action on it?I don't really care if she starts fucking someone else as long as the dude is an FB-only (or close to it) and condoms are used. And again, her fucking someone else during NRE is VERY rare, even more rare than a LSFNTE during NRE. Women are very sexually loyal during NRE; far more so than men.
Your definition of oneitis, if reciprocal, sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world.It does? It about a man taking actions to make himself less happy, even if it's reciprocal. The man is eventually less happy whether reciprocal or not. Perhaps you should re-read the definition: Oneitis – 1. A set of actions and behaviors where a man does things in order to get one particular girl or “not lose” one particular girl, at the expense of pursuing other girls and/or at the expense of his own freedom and happiness. 2. Any non-minor compromise a man makes to a woman (either to “get her” or to “not lose her”) that will immediately or eventually restrict his freedom or damage his happiness. Example: A man promising to always pick up his socks or keep the TV at a certain volume is not necessarily oneitis, but a man with a healthy sex drive promising to never get sexual with any other woman is certainly oneitis as defined here, since eventually that promise will make him less free and less happy. Oh wait...you mean the most wonderful thing in the world for the woman. Yes, men getting oneitis is a great thing....for women, absolutely.
Greg 2014-11-26 13:09:12
And you stop yourself from falling in NRE if she doesn't show signs of it, or it just naturally doesn't happen?
Blackdragon 2014-11-26 13:32:58
I "fall" into NRE naturally, regardless if she's feeling it or not.
Greg 2014-11-26 16:03:16
"I don’t really care if she starts fucking someone else as long as the dude is an FB-only (or close to it) and condoms are used." What's your method of determining if condoms are used? I always feel like she can just lie and how would I know?
Blackdragon 2014-11-26 16:15:51
What’s your method of determining if condoms are used?1. I use a condom on a woman until I know she's demonstrated very trustworthy behavior (with her actions, not words) for several months. As I've said before (like in excuse number 3 here) never get into a serious relationship with someone you can't trust first. Trust first, serious promises second. Most people do that the other way around. 2. She needs to show me STD test results, at least once a year, more often if she's more sexually active. 3. She can't have sex with other men while she's drunk (or else how do I know she made him wear a condom?). 4. If she violates any of the above, no problem, I just start using condoms with her again (or in extreme cases I next or downgrade). You can never know with 100% certainty of course, but I've never received an STD from a woman using the above system. And I've been doing this with many women over many years.
foofoofoo 2014-11-26 16:32:38
I disagree with this. A man is what he thinks. Just because he has the discipline and fortitude to not perform actions which "betaize" himself doesn't mean he is free of oneitius. True players don't give a fuck when a girl leaves for the week. They never get "excited" when a particular girl texts or calls. She could die the next day and all he would say/think is "shit, that pussy was pretty good. Now I gotta go do 40 approaches to find that again. Oh well lol". When women get mad or their feelings are hurt it is amusing or funny to "the player". They truly, all the way to the core, do NOT give a fuck. Now as a disclaimer, in order to be a "true player" as I described in "the game" you absolutely need to have a level of sociopathy and other related disorders. You have to see people, not as people, but means to an end. 99% of men are not like this, and nature never intended it to be that way. That being said, I think the best way to look at oneitis is like any other pain. It is going to happen. There is nothing you can do about it. It's coming. The more masculine of men will ignore it, push it down, and carry on. The pussies will cry and let it fester.
Ken 2014-11-27 00:12:43
Just curious, do women you are in an MLTR relationship with or FB read your blog? I was just wondering cause if so, they can read your system on your relationship structure (which could be a good thing if they follow it). Do some of the MLTR or FB soft next you or hard next you upon reading your blog?
superslaviswife 2014-11-27 01:35:10
@Blackdragon: Giving up something temporary because the long-term happiness of something else calls to you is a wonderful thing. It's like quitting a bad job that keeps you fed, warm and plied with consumables, and risking unemployment, poverty and even homelessness so as to pursue your dream life. Or leaving university to risk it all in a vocation. Or throwing all your money into development and moving back in with your parents until it pays off. I would give anything at all to follow Jon and work towards our future family. Sometimes you have to let the small stuff go.
Greg 2014-11-27 04:10:48
@blackdragon Thank you, sounds like good advice. @foofoofoo "as I described in “the game” you absolutely need to have a level of sociopathy and other related disorders." That is this "the game"? It can't be Neil's book...
Blackdragon 2014-11-27 11:35:43
True players don’t give a fuck when a girl leaves for the week. They never get “excited” when a particular girl texts or calls. She could die the next day and all he would say/think is “shit, that pussy was pretty good. Now I gotta go do 40 approaches to find that again. Oh well lol”.As you admitted, that sounds like a robotic sociopath. I have no desire to be that man, and I hope you don't either.
Just curious, do women you are in an MLTR relationship with or FB read your blog?Yep. I show my MLTRs all of my web sites. Some of them end up reading them regularly, but most just shrug and say something like "that's dumb" or "oh, you men" and ignore it. Women really, really do not give a shit about what you do for a living. Seriously.
Do some of the MLTR or FB soft next you or hard next you upon reading your blog?Never happened. The few that actually bother to read more than a few posts actually get into it and complain I don't talk about them here. "Um, so why don't you ever talk about me on your blog?"
Giving up something temporary because the long-term happiness of something else calls to you is a wonderful thing.These things are not temporary. If a woman says, "stop going out to the bar with your friends 3 times a week" or "stop fucking other women" or "be sure to text me every day when you're travelling," that's not temporary.
I would give anything at all to follow Jon and work towards our future family.I know you would. As a woman, especially one in new-marriage NRE, you would gleefully sacrifice your long-term happiness in exchange for the Six Societal Values, especially conformity and security. I'd rather be happy consistently and long-term.
Jean 2014-11-28 02:00:00
BD, if you were a woman I would fuck you right here and now. (that means thanks for this awsome article) Quick question : what about this situation : Let’s say that you’re constantly thinking about this girl 24/7 and can’t keep her out of your mind. You go to sleep thinking about her. You sometimes find yourself bringing up a picture of her on your phone or computer just to look at it and smile. You get really excited when you see her name on your schedule for tomorrow night. After she leaves, you kinda miss her a little bit. You totally dig her. The difference with your example being that the guy never had sex with her, never even kissed her and only speaks to her once a week in a class, during a common activity or whatever. Does the guy have one-itis?
Kryptokate 2014-11-28 11:48:53
What are the six societal values? I can't find that reference anywhere else on your blog.
Blackdragon 2014-11-28 14:00:51
Let’s say that you’re constantly thinking about this girl 24/7 and can’t keep her out of your mind. You go to sleep thinking about her. You sometimes find yourself bringing up a picture of her on your phone or computer just to look at it and smile. You get really excited when you see her name on your schedule for tomorrow night. After she leaves, you kinda miss her a little bit. You totally dig her. The difference with your example being that the guy never had sex with her, never even kissed her and only speaks to her once a week in a class, during a common activity or whatever. Does the guy have one-itis?Ooooo good question! If the guy is taking no action or INaction because of these desires, and still fucking other women and/or actively pursuing other women, then no, he has no oneitis. BUT! Likely that guy is NOT pursuing other women and being a beta. Then fuck yeah, he has oneitis.
What are the six societal values? I can’t find that reference anywhere else on your blog.I have not yet updated the glossary regarding new terms from the book. I will in the next few days. The Six Societal Values are the six things society considers as more important than long-term consistent happiness. They are, in no particular order, conformity, security, control over others, emotional validation (drama), social validation, and not being alone. Most people will choose some or all of those things over their own long-term consistent happiness.
superslaviswife 2014-11-29 14:21:37
But if you consistently get 10x the pleasure out of a person, then why not surrender the intermittent, brief pleasure of another? Especially so if indulging in the latter affects your long term happiness by prohibiting the former. As for my happiness: when I used to get nihilistic and depressed, the only reason to live was the futility of suicide and fear of nonexistence. He is a reason to live for life itself. Everything else was pointless, vain and boring. I'd say he's conductive to long-term happiness.
Blackdragon 2014-11-29 22:43:49
But if you consistently get 10x the pleasure out of a person, then why not surrender the intermittent, brief pleasure of another?I would have no problem with that...until I was no longer getting 10x the pleasure out of her. This "10x pleasure" would end the first time she snapped at me about something stupid, or the first I wanted sex and she said she was "too tired" or something. In other words, all the stuff you'll be doing to your husband in a few months. 🙂 Consistent long-term happiness is impossible with monogamy. Just wait, you'll see. I don't see why I should wait until that happens, which it always does, to then go through the trouble and chaos of either terminating the relationship or renegotiating the entire thing to make it sexually open. That's why I stick with FB / MLTR / OLTR instead of monogamy. Long-term consistent happiness is possible under those systems, not possible under yours. But again, since long-term consistent happiness isn't your highest priority, you don't care. Which is fine...for you.
superslaviswife 2014-11-30 06:55:44
As I've said, long-term consistent happiness is definitely my highest priority. I just can't see how I could get it from anywhere else. Every other human gets boring or annoying after a few weeks or months. Jon hasn't. Every other human has offputting physical or mental traits. Jon doesn't. Every other human's goals or interests are solidly distinct from mine. Jon's aren't. It's like dating a copy of my own mind in a body I am able to be attracted to.
superslaviswife 2014-11-30 07:04:38
Plus, snapping at your partner (over anything, ever), making up dumb conditions, disregarding your long-term interests, chasing sudden thrills at greater risk, etc are all behaviours of immature, impulsive people. It's possible to have a family crisis, work or money based stress, a conflict of interest or a physical health issue and work on it together instead of fight and make it worse.
Blackdragon 2014-11-30 10:51:51
As I’ve said, long-term consistent happiness is definitely my highest priority.No it isn't. If it was, you would not have committed to a life system with an 87% failure rate.
Every other human gets boring or annoying after a few weeks or months. Jon hasn’t.You've just proven my point. Every guy you've ever been with got "boring" or "annoying" (to you). You've established a pattern of behavior of getting bored with men and leaving men. You'll do the same to him eventually, though it might take a few years. Just watch.
superslaviswife 2014-11-30 15:11:45
I've not been with anyone before him. People in general don't appeal. But he's like me. I am interesting, therefore he is.
Vanilla Boy 2018-05-11 19:58:12
Well, this blog post made me feel a bit better about myself. A bit. I still think of myself more as "in recovery" from oneitis, rather than free of it. I get laid quite often, find it reasonably easy to meet women, even at the age of 55. I use online dating sites, since I've given up drinking and party drugs and don't really like staying up late in bars. I often meet women in their early 30s, don't usually promise monogamy, but sometimes slip into it when something becomes serious. But that hasn't happened for a while. And for most of last year, I just had a few different sleeping partners, nothing too serious, no one I was really into. And then I met a woman who was wild, sexy, into polyamory, smart, had written a few novels, a minor celeb. We had a very passionate month, and then she all of a sudden said "No more sex. I'm getting too needy with you. Just friends." Ahhhh, it really hurt. It was all that She's Really Different stuff you talk about, Black Dragon. And for a while I was still texting, taking up the "friends" offer in hope of getting her back, and so on. Then I realized she was really seriously fucking with my head. So I put her on my blocked lists, no more contact, despite quite a few overtures from her. And I started actively trying to find other women. I've got two FBs at the moment. Nice enough women, fun to hang out with, I'm happy to go and see a film with them or have dinner or whatever, as well as sex. But I do gotta say, it's been a struggle not to stalk the old one on social media. I even put a serious blocking program on my computer (Cold Turkey, I thoroughly recommened it) to stop myself. But I still think about her, even while I'm having (perfectly good) sex with the other women. And I find myself wondering what I could have done differently - it was like a major NRE that came to a sudden, screeching halt for reasons that I don't get (hmmm, her major relationships over the past ten years were with women, she was a bit phobic about long term stuff with men, she just liked bonking them. And there was another guy around ...). So, I guess by your definition, I'm not in Oneitis? But fuck it, it still hurts! and it's been a couple of months!
Peacock 2018-10-03 00:24:16
Does the one time a week apply to high end mltr? And does it vary by culture? (because some Latina women or Asian women are more attached and want more time....) I have already set a frame of paying for trips and food when we go out.... How do I change that?