22 Oct It’s Not Sex Addiction
The term “sex addiction” is thrown around a lot these days in an effort to shame men’s normal, natural, biological desires. Just like the term “rape culture,” the term “sex addict” is constantly applied to scenarios that have nothing whatsoever to do with addiction. It’s also been applied repeatedly and incorrectly to several high sex drive celebrities like Tiger Woods.
-By Caleb Jones
They even made a South Park episode about society’s silly misuse of this term.
Have sex several times a week? You’re a sex addict!
Masturbate a lot? You’re a sex addict!
Have sex with multiple women on a regular basis? You suffer from sex addiction and need to go into treatment!
Cheated on your wife? Holy crap! Sex addiction!!!
Like going to strip clubs? Sex addict! (Oh, and “rape culture” too!!!)
None of these things have anything whatsoever to do with sex addiction. These things are all biologically normal and natural things healthy men do. You might not like them, and I may not like some of them (I don’t like strip clubs and I’m against cheating), but none of these things have anything to do with an addiction.
My dad was a psychologist and mental health counselor for several decades. He would talk to me at length about his work, and I worked in his small business briefly while in high school. So while I’m no expert, I do know a little about what addiction is and is not, sex addiction as well as other types (drug, alcohol, etc).
Sex addiction has nothing to do with being horny or having lots of pleasurable sex. Sex addiction is a clinical condition and a compulsive behavior. Compulsive means you do it even if it doesn’t make you feel good other than to relieve the obsession.
Raise your hand if you have sex all the time even though it doesn’t make you feel good. No? Me neither. Then congrats, you’re not a sex addict, even if you’ve had sex with 20 different people this year.
I’ve met one or two real sex addicts. It’s pretty horrible. These are guys who suddenly leave their jobs during the day to go to have sex with 350 pound women, disgusting crack whores, or transvestites. When they have sex, it’s not an act of pleasure. It’s an act of desperation. It’s not something they look forward to, it’s something they have to do. Because it’s an addiction.
The Difference Between Sex Addiction and High Sex Drive
On the other side of the coin, I have a high sex drive. This is not sex addiction, though low sex drive people, people with lots of ASD, women over age 33, and/or more conservative, traditional, or right-wing people may view it as such.
I have a lot of sex because I have a highly-masculine, highly-driven personality that really enjoys sex. It’s just the way I am. I’ve always been this way. It’s a personality trait, not an addiction.
Throughout the last few years, I’ve been accused of being a “sex addict” once or twice by uptight people, just like most other high sex drive Alpha Males have been. I always knew I wasn’t, but I wanted something specific to verify this. I talked to my dad about it one day.
“How can I prove I don’t have sex addiction?” I asked him, “Or do I?”
“It’s simple,” he said, “Do you ever turn down sex when it’s offered from a woman?”
“Sure,” I said, “Semi-regularly in fact.”
“Then you don’t have sex addiction,” he said, “A sex addict wouldn’t be able to do that.”
As longtime readers know, throughout my life I’ve always had an “8” rule. I won’t have sex with a woman unless I consider her an “8” on the 1 to 10 hotness scale. (As always, this is subjective, so when I say “8” it’s what I personally would consider an 8, which will vary wildly from man to man, as I’ve explained before and have empirically proven). If a woman is a 7 or under, I won’t have sex with her. I have no interest.
The only exception to this rule is women who are “grandfathered in”; women who have been in my life a long time and have gained weight since first having sex with them (which almost all American women do eventually). There’s a limit to this of course. If they gain too much weight I have to next them, and have before, which again I could not do if I had “sex addiction.” But if they gain a little and drop below an 8, I’ll still see them as long as they don’t give me drama.
With this “8 rule” in mind, during my high-activity years of 2008 to about 2010, I often encountered women who wanted to have sex with me, but whom I considered a 7 or lower. I turned them down, every time. I had no interest in having sex with personal 7s or below, and still don’t. This pattern of behavior would be impossible if I suffered from “sex addiction.”
This applies to you as well. If you’ve had sex with a lot of women, but they all are above a standard of beauty for yourself, you’re not a sex addict regardless of how objectionable your sexual frequency (of sex or of women) is to society.
Let’s take the sadly ridiculous Tiger Woods, whom I’ve joked about before. He’s a complete idiot in his personal life, but he’s not a sex addict.
Data point one. Tiger Woods is a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male. As I’ve demonstrated perhaps hundreds of times, what happens when a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male promises monogamy to one woman? The answer is: he cheats on her like a dog. This is not sex addiction. This is normal male behavior. If you were a good-looking, wealthy, successful, famous Alpha Male, you’d cheat like a dog too. Hell, you’d do it even if you were an Alpha who wasn’t good-looking, wealthy, successful, or famous.
That’s why it’s so ridiculously stupid when Alphas promise monogamy to women, particularly long-term monogamy like marriage. But I’ve beat that topic to death already.
Data point two. Was Tiger Woods hooking up with random, everyday girls like a sex addict does? Ugly girls? Average or plain girls who happened to cross his path? Nope. Pretty much every woman he hooked up with was skinny, young, and super hot. We’re talking Hollywood/model quality here. There are pictures of most of these women here and here. Go take a look; these were extremely attractive babes. Tiger had sex with a lot of girls, but he was very picky in regards to who he had sex with. This would not have been the case had he been suffering from “sex addiction.”
Yet despite all of this, when Tiger got caught, he was accused of being a “sex addict” and went into “therapy” to “cure” his “condition.” WAAAHAHAHA! This was so funny at the time that I laughed more at this than I did with the South Park episode which came a little later (which was really funny too).
That wasn’t the end of it. After getting divorced (big shock) stupid Tiger got monogamous again (Jesus) with a new girlfriend (see Christian Troy Disease in my glossary) and cheated on her too (big shock). Take a look at the wording of this article describing it. Tiger Woods, “alleged sex addict” had his “addiction” “relapse.” It’s hilarious.
He had a one night stand with a “nameless, faceless woman.” Oh, I bet she did have a face, and I bet it was super hot. That’s not sex addiction. That’s normal Alpha behavior (Alphas dumb enough or high-drama enough to promise absolute sexual monogamy, that is). I’m also sure it wasn’t just one woman. There were probably many. Still not sex addiction.
But Isn’t Sex Relief?
One argument that could be made against what I’m saying is that men who call themselves high sex drive do have sex addiction because if they don’t have sex they feel stressed and need a release. Isn’t that indicative of an addiction?
If you don’t eat for a long time, you get hungry and irritable. Does this mean you have a food addiction?
If you don’t go pee all day and feel like you’re going to explode, do you have an addiction to going to the bathroom?
Of course not. It means you biologically require food and urination on a regular basis.
The confusion lies in the amount of food required. A 6’3” male athlete weighing 250 pounds of muscle is going to get more hungry more often than a petite 5’1” woman who weighs 100 pounds. If the guy gets hungry all the time, that little woman might frown at him and accuse him of having a “food addiction.” He’s not addicted; he just needs more food than she does. It’s all perfectly normal and healthy. She’s just being a simple-minded solipsistic bitch.
It’s very true that if I go without sex for a time, I don’t feel as good. As a high sex drive man, if I go without sex for even one week, I “feel” it. I’m okay, but I do feel a twinge of frustration. At two or three weeks of zero sex, I’m definitely feeling less than 100%. Once I have sex, I do feel better. Regular sex ensures that I’m more focused at work, in a happier mood with my co-workers and children, and sleep better. As I’ve described on this blog and in my books, men who deny themselves regular sex because it’s “not that important” or it’s “not that big of a deal” are harming themselves as men. Men are sexual creatures. Alphas more so. Sex is a big deal. It’s critically important.
This is why I usually have sex around three times a week. However, as I write these words, I’m on a month-long trip to Asia, where it’s possible, even likely, that I may not have any sex during the entire trip(!). I’m having so much fun, this is perfectly fine. It’s an exception to my sexual frequency. Once again, there’s no way in hell I could pull this off if I had a “sex addiction.” If I did, I’d be slamming Asian prostitutes left and right while here, yet I’ve never had sex with a prostitute in my entire life.
But let’s get back to the point. If you feel some negative pressures if you go without sex for a while, does that mean you’re a sex addict? Well, it depends on how you handle it.
If you go without sex for a few days, then your head explodes because you just can’t stand it, and you immediately run out and have sex with an ugly chick, or a disgusting prostitute, or the next-door neighbor’s 14 year-old daughter, then yeah, one could argue that you’re suffering from some kind of addiction, or at least an imbalance.
But if instead you thoughtfully and systematically take the time necessary to have sex with someone you find attractive, in a way that doesn’t harm your life or anyone else’s, then no, you’re not a sex addict; you’re a healthy, high sex drive man behaving normally.
Moreover, when I have sex, I really, really like it. Sex is a pure pleasure for me, on all levels. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s all wonderful and there’s literally nothing bad about it, at least for me. Sex is the highest form of physical pleasure a normal person can feel, and I include massages in there which also feel amazing (but not as good as sex!).
I don’t have sex because I “need my fix.” I have sex because I truly and honestly enjoy it immeasurably.
I will go back to one of my favorite quotes of all time, said by Scott Adams:
Society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable.
That’s exactly what we’re talking about here when women (and some low sex drive men) throw around the stupid term “sex addiction.” It’s why women and beta males in society attempt to shame normal, healthy men with inaccurate terms like “sex addict” when it clearly doesn’t apply. As is usually the case with these things, these people are actually harming real sex addicts when they throw this term around so recklessly and inaccurately.
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Al
Posted at 05:44 am, 22nd October 2015Never fear BD. As you know, if you have too much sex, your penis turns green and your ears fall off. And woe betide you if Mr. Kellogg catches you sliding down the banister! 😀
I think what saddens me the most, is that for all the truth in your post, society still throws more crap at high sex drive women than it does at high sex drive men.
I know all about relationships being temporary and NRE but I have seen it so often. Women who can’t get enough at the beginning, once they are part satiated, get shut down by implied guilt.
Enjoy your travels. 🙂
K
Posted at 06:06 am, 22nd October 2015Woman here. I’m a little addicted to reading your blog by now. To the point that I feel the need to comment, even though I agree with absolutely everything you have said in this post 🙂 Enjoy your stay in Asia! I keep looking forward to Monday’s update.
CrabRangoon
Posted at 08:48 am, 22nd October 2015Good stuff BD. The sex addiction thing is such bullshit. Just another way to shame normal healthy male sex drives. And I assume a way to save face for celebrity guys that get caught cheating.
Jack Outside the Box
Posted at 08:50 am, 22nd October 2015I disagree. The prevailing mainstream narrative today dictates that if you’re a woman sleeping with multiple men, you are liberated, high self esteem, beautiful, and empowered. But if you’re a man sleeping with multiple women, you are a pig, a womanizer, a sex addict, are contributing to the fictional rape culture, and objectify women instead of treating women like flawless, infallible, and incorporeal spiritual entities with beautiful souls.
This is a matriarchal setup which aims at maximum heterophobia against men and maximum sexual freedom for women.
The anti-female slut shaming that you are referring to usually comes from (1) lower sex drive women who want to be paid a higher price for the sex they “generously give,” instead of getting dumped for a more open minded and higher sex drive woman with a lower price, or (2) from conservative, prudish, and territorial alpha male 1.0s who want to “marry” a low sex drive female who will have a high sex drive only with him and be his financial parasite (basically Guy Disney).
The reason it seems to you that shaming open minded women is more prevalent is because women (with less testosterone and more anxiety) tend to be more emotionally fragile and more apt to complain about everything (a lot of the slut shaming is self-inflicted and imaginary on the part of some women, known as ASD).
Plus, our matriarchal civilization spotlights women’s issues while ignoring men, and even goes so far as to endorse the most genuinely evil double standards. Example: When a man murders his girlfriend and says “the bitch made me do it,” he is considered a monster who receives death or life in prison. But when a woman murders her boyfriend and says “the asshole made me do it,” she is considered a hero who stood up to an abusive monster who “made her do it,” gets acquitted in court, and receives media acclaim for her “bravery and courage.”
I agree that anti-female slut shaming is a problem (largely perpetrated by low sex drive women wanting to inflate the price of sex and territorial old school alphas who want to chain women to the stove), but anti-male stud shaming is an even bigger problem in our society because it is not even taken seriously or addressed by anyone, except the manosphere!
billyboy
Posted at 11:45 am, 22nd October 2015According to modern DSM guidelines, something is a disorder if it’s causing you or those around you immediate dysfunction in some regard.
Example for masturbation, perhaps, was that the addiction was strong enough that you missed work, important events, dates, etc … to fulfill your needs. Then you’re getting into ‘there’s a fucking problem’ territory.
Tiger Woods’ case … having the ability to fuck many supermodels, and thus going ahead and doing so (and pissing off many women in the process for taking away their one realm of advantage, gatekeeper and grantor of sex) … is not some sort of disorder. In fact if you DON’T want to ejaculate into droves of supermodels you may be in fact be the anomaly.
Lovergirl
Posted at 11:45 am, 22nd October 2015As a woman I object to your assertion that a high sex drive is mainly seen as a problem for men. Women can and do have much higher sex drives than we are usually allowed to express. Men can feel very threatened by a high sex drive female, ask me how I know. As a woman, the criteria for “sex addiction” is also much easier to meet.
Ive taken the sex addicts anonymous quiz a couple times and scored very high. Im a bona fide “sex addict”, according to them. However, many of the questions relate to past behavior, not necessarily the present and also upon feelings of guilt or shame. Women are made to feel even more guilty or shameful of their sexual desires than men, by society in general, so it follows that we would score higher in that area, in general.
I dont think i am a true sex addict because I retain control over my behavior, don’t allow it to negatively affect the rest of my life and im not committing crimes. A pedophile is a true “sex addict” with a problem, not an adult engaging in consensual sex with other adults.
Duke
Posted at 02:52 pm, 22nd October 2015So batting below your league is equal to sex addiction? Good to know. It’d be interesting to know which celebrity woman would be an approximation of your personal 8 though.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:44 pm, 22nd October 2015Haha! Yeah.
That is not what I said. Tons of guys have sex with women they consider less than hot, and they’re not sex addicts either.
I said that if you have the ability to turn down sex when offered, you’re not a sex addict.
That still wouldn’t help you, since your definition of “slightly worse” than her wouldn’t match my definition of a personal 7. In other words, we could agree with a personal 8 but completely disagree on a personal 7 or lower.
This post right here clearly shows what type of woman I find physically attractive.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:47 pm, 22nd October 2015Regarding the woman thing, yes, of course society penalizes women more so than men for having or wanting lots of sex (though as Jack pointed out, this has been radically changing).
However this article is about the stupid term “sex addiction” which is applied to men far, FAR more often than it is ever applied to women.
Duke
Posted at 05:11 pm, 22nd October 2015Just thought it was weird to read this: “If a woman is a 7 or under, I won’t have sex with her. I have no interest.” Your seven seems to be most people’s 5. I guess I can’t picture you seeing a cute girl then saying “nah, she’s not hot enough” Any way I don’t want to get into a Dawson Stone type nitpicking routine, you have your taste and everybody else has theirs. Just send all the sevens over here!
Caleb Jones
Posted at 05:24 pm, 22nd October 2015That’s just it; I don’t consider a 7 as “cute” when I’m regularly having sex with 8s and 9s on a weekly basis.
The typical guy, who has sex with 5s and 6s all the time, or the other typical guy who hasn’t had sex at all in 3 months…both of those guys would leap at a 7 offering sex I’m sure. It’s all a matter of perspective.
The fact that you’re excited about fucking 7s tells me that you’re either A) not having a lot of sex at the moment or B) you’re accustomed to having sex with 6s or below. If you were fucking 9s every week, I promise you wouldn’t be too excited about an extra 7 or two (unless you were an extreme Thrill of the Hunt / variety guy).
Moreover, I started the habit of avoiding non-hot women many years ago because of reason number 9 here. Getting into the habit of having sex with sub-par women is dangerous to your overall frame and happiness.
Signor Farfalla
Posted at 05:58 pm, 22nd October 2015Men like sex so of course it’s shamed.
Cultural shaming follows anything;
that makes men happy
that men do to improve themselves personally.
I can only think of one type of activity that makes men happy that has yet to be targeted for shaming and that’s outdoor recreation; fishing, camping, hiking. Granted, a wife will try to end all of that in a marriage right away but outdoorsy style guys haven’t been singled out yet and lampooned much.
Football, healthy sex drives, dating younger women, gaming, drinking with the buds, garages cluttered with tools and parts, admiring female physiques, dating (much more attractive) foreign women, being a bit sloppy around (their own) home, wanting to relax (lazy!) with a dram and an easy chair after 12 hours of work….all things men like….all tinged and sometimes brush-stroked with shame and a general sense of impropriety.
On to self-improvement. It’s a bit different. But a nation of fit, well-dressed, well-read men who eat well does not fit the feminist imperative at all. They NEED men to see men as bookless slobs dressed like 8th graders in order to keep their narrative of constant complaint humming along. Therefore, any good, self-improving steps are bitch-slapped down immediately, in order to maintain males as disappointments. IMO, the 6 main routes to self-improvement are reading, dressing well, eating well, drinking little or not at all, sensible spending if not frugality, exercise.
Read….”Fag. Oscar Wilde reading swish.”
Dress well….”Fag, fop, dandy,”
Eat well….”He’s eating fish and broccoli. What a fag!”
Doesn’t drink (or only does when it’s high end liquor or wine, no cheap beer) “Fag”
Minimalist lifestyle (unmarried iow)….”Weird. Must be a fag or pedophile.”
Work out…”Fag, metrosexual”…..this one is probably the least targeted but a single man post 35 who works out and doesn’t proudly wear his gut like a badge of slob-hood…”Fag.”
Yeah, it’s men who do a lot of the shaming but only because they’ve so internalized the female imperatives. If you disagree then imagine some dude;
-Lean. Wearing a trouser and slacks, nice tie. Leather monk straps. I don’t mean a guy wearing his navy suit for work downtown. I mean a guy on Sunday at Starbuck’s, drinking green tea and some fruit (healthy) in his cream blazer and olive slacks. Blue or green tie. Tan monks. He’s reading McCarthy with his green tea. He’s alone……Oh, what a FAGGOT! Right? Don’t deny it. Anyone would think that. When all he is, is a well dressed, well read man who is health conscious. There you go then.
All facets of enjoying being male or improving yourself as a male are under attack. If you haven’t checked out by now, it’s just on you at this point. This stuff is so obvious. The female consciousness/imperative is at a point of maximum dominance. ‘Enjoyment’ is a few dying embers and any humble steps towards mounting any kind of comeback via self improvement are shamed by males and females alike.
CHECK THE FUCK OUT.
John58
Posted at 09:23 pm, 22nd October 2015BD, so you never had sex with a prostitute in your entire life?
I am curious, what’s your concern/the reason behind it?
Is it because of the risks of STD’s? Or does it has anything to do with your INTJ personality type?
I am an INTJ type myself, and I am a control freak when it comes to my health. The fact is that I also never had sex with a prostitute in my life, but for me, it is more because of the STD risks
Thanks
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:38 am, 23rd October 2015It would be more accurate to say that I’ve never paid a prostitute. I have had sex with one or two women who were “escorts” or former “escorts,” (strippers and former strippers too) but I didn’t pay any of them for sex.
Same reason I’m not super into the sugar daddy thing; because I don’t like paying money for sex. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s a woman saying, “Give me money so you can make me feel good.” Huh?
Kinda like men paying for long or fancy dates. It’s a woman saying, “Give me money so you can show me attention.” Huh?
That’s maybe a distant sub-reason, but I think STD risk can be mitigated with condom usage and more careful selection. I know a few guys who like fucking hookers and they don’t get STDs.
Guy
Posted at 04:51 am, 23rd October 2015Totally agree with a lot of the discussion here. Healthy male sexuality is shamed and demonized, and quasi-medical determinations are cooked up to provide legitimacy for their puritanical ideas. I take most of the field of Psychology with a grain of salt, as there’s very little consistency between different practitioners.
I believe it, and I don’t think that will go away anytime soon. Men produce BILLIONS of sperm for every egg a woman does. In monogamous relationships, a woman’s ability to refuse partners gives her leverage, just as a man’s ability to sleep with other women gives him leverage. Most men want monogamous relationships, and women with lower partner counts will always be valued higher to them. Just as men who are virgins will always be less attractive to most women. But men are increasingly less interested in monogamy, so things will get easier for higher sex drive women. I have no plans on being monogamous, so I actually prefer higher sex drive women.
Wait, what? SE Asia is the easiest place in the world to get laid. Do me a quick favor, and create a profile on http://www.filipinocupid.com, or even http://www.dateinasia.com. I can almost guarantee you’ll get more interest than you ever would on western dating sites. Don’t be fooled by the “looking for a serious man” language, most will go home with you anyway if they like you. Even if you weren’t planning on going there, there’s a lot of expats in Cebu who may be interested in your content, and it might be worth checking it out.
Jack Outside the Box
Posted at 05:44 am, 23rd October 2015Why in the world would you ever frame sex as some kind of a favor to you, or a condescending generosity that you must pay a woman for? Unless you have a serious inferiority complex as a man, or believe that women are asexuals who must be bribed while only men are heterosexuals, prostitution is something that no real man would even consider. It is a statement of female supremacy that she’s doing you a favor and you are gratefully receiving it.
The price for her vagina must always be your penis.
Otherwise, she’s the generous princess and you’re the loser/slave. You’ll never achieve an alpha mindset with that pathetic thinking.
Lovergirl
Posted at 08:14 am, 23rd October 2015Football shaming is a thing? On what planet? LMAO It’s certainly not here. I’ve never heard of a man being called a “fag” for reading books either. I think you are overplaying the pity card…. It’s MOSTLY men who give each other shit for things like dressing nice (never seen that with black men though, definitely just a white people in certain areas of the country thing). Never in my life have I heard of a WOMAN complaining about a man drinking wine instead of beer…. Heck, many of the men that take me out on dates have told me they prefer fruity, traditionally “girly” drinks. They don’t seem ashamed and I really don’t care. I’m pretty sure only men would care about something like that. I don’t see any women giving men crap for working out either!
Lovergirl
Posted at 08:19 am, 23rd October 2015@JackintheBox- NWP, is that you??
I find it very interesting that in the comment directly above yours, Guy is taking the traditional stance that a woman’s eggs are more valuable and therefore she should have less sex- followed by you saying a penis is just as valuable as a vagina. As long as men continue to take the stance that women need to guard their “eggs” and have less sex, a woman’s vagina will be more valuable than a penis. You’re bringing it on yourself boys….
Guy
Posted at 08:45 am, 23rd October 2015@lovergirl
You’ve completely misunderstood what I wrote. I actually said:
Can you think of a guy that likes being monogamous while supporting a woman that constantly sleeps with other guys and cuckolds him? I can’t. However, if a guy has no desire to be monogamous, I see no reason why he should care one way or the other. It’s really the intersection of the expectations of monogamy with biological reality that causes the social pressures you lament. Take away the expectation of monogamy, and you have nothing to get worked up over.
Parade
Posted at 06:44 pm, 23rd October 2015I definitely fit that, but if I raised my standards to 8+ only, well, I wouldn’t have any sex, or it’d be months between dates, let alone sex. I’m basically forced into going out with 3-6s. Not really complaining, it’s 100% my fault for living where I do, but it’s not realistic for every guy to consistently land 8+’s. (I live where I live for work, not dating)
Wil
Posted at 07:35 pm, 23rd October 2015@BD
Hey BD, a little off-topic but reading this article reminded me of how you compared sex and money to the tires of a motorcycle in your book.
Now between the two, which would you consider more important?
I am asking this because I am an older student (late 20’s) going back to school for an Engineering degree because I made stupid choices which lead me to dead end jobs. Although right now, during my work term, I am using my spare time to start an online retail business that is pretty much your definition of an Alpha 2.0 business. And when I am in school, I am crushed by the course load and I don’t have time for anything else.
These days I haven’t had time or energy to commit to go meet women (because of the energy and time spent on my side business), although some days I really want to get laid (haven’t got any action for more than a year now sadly).
What kind of advice would you give to someone in my situation?
My plan right now is to take the lowest course load possible once I go back to school for my academic term, concentrate on building my business until I net about $2-3k/month then put all my effort into meeting women at my university. I may have to take a part time job if my business ends up going over my budget.
And yes, I know you’re not fond of schooling, but I think I fall into your exceptions because it is a pre-requisite to a high paying job.
Thanks.
Parade
Posted at 07:56 pm, 23rd October 2015@wil
My opinion: Decide what’s most important to you and commit yourself to that. Don’t turn down obvious opportunities, but focus your energy on either sex or work. Trying to do both will burn you out/spread you too thin. Trying to do college, business, and dating at the same time when you don’t have one of them setup is going to lead you to slipping on all three.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 08:58 pm, 23rd October 2015Unless you’re a bizarre exception to the rule, neither is more important to a man. However! There are times in your life that you must put one on temporary hold to build up the other. When I was in my early 20s, I actually didn’t have sex at all because I was too busy building my business. On the flip side, in 2009 I was so busy learning about women and getting laid that I took a lot of time off my business and my income dropped.
In both cases it was worth it, because now I have both money and sex without working hard on either.
So they’re both equally important, but sometimes you have to temporarily pause/reduce one for the good of the other.
Signor Farfalla
Posted at 09:48 pm, 23rd October 2015@Lovergirl,
Let us know what it’s like to be a man then. You’d know before we would right?
“Overplaying the pity card” IOW, “Shutup we’re the victims here.”
It’s not about ‘pity’ anyway. It’s about men developing some understanding of where they’re at in the culture and changing their lives based on that. Your dismissiveness is noted and adds to my point quite well. So thanks for that.
I think it’s long overdue that men start recognizing that they are being boxed around by shaming. More guys need to live how they want. My point is that there is an element of shaming for each facet of living well. It doesn’t mean that every single woman engages in it, but that society at large gives a collective sneer at men who are focused on themselves instead of their roles as mules.
JJ Roberts
Posted at 05:16 am, 24th October 2015Really wish I could sit down and talk to Tiger Woods
The only thing that guy really wants are unfenced relaitonships
He would have zero drama in his life if he knew how to do them
He would also have several hundred million bucks more in the bank
Wil
Posted at 06:53 am, 24th October 2015@parade
Yes, it’s really tempting to do all 3, but I know that doing all 3 will just lead to nothing because changing focus itself uses up energy and time so I try to limit myself to as less as possible.
Ideally, I’d quit school but school actually helps me pay for my living expenses (I’m in a co-op program), give me a high paying job afterwards, and allows me to take out a student loan at low interest. If I quit now, I don’t think I could get a high paying job that I have now because the economy sucks (my city has mostly oil jobs), and most of my work experience is really varied (worked in many industries). Also, I am unsure whether my business plan would take off so I need a backup.
I think my plan is pretty solid, I just needed some affirmation. Cheers.
Diggy
Posted at 07:46 am, 24th October 2015Spot on BD.
Do I get shamed if I quote a Kanye West song?
Runaway, second verse, Pusha T, not Kayne but spot on.
Tiger woods if you’re listening… this is how you get your golf game back. 100%
Lloyd Greenwich
Posted at 08:54 am, 25th October 2015Wondering if this post is in response to the new Neil Strauss book, where he describes his stay in rehab for sex addiction after being caught cheating on his monogamous GF, his subsequent experiments with non-monogamy, and eventual decision to reconnect with and marry that GF. He concludes that none of his sexual adventures led to his happiness, and that only after healing himself from childhood trauma (which afflicts every human to a greater or lesser extent), could he settle into a committed relationship and be happy. Though never overtly stated, my inference after reading it was that PUAs would be better off and happier spending their time and energy healing their inner child than locked in an endless chase for the next hottest babe. Frankly, my personal experience leads me to believe his most recent book will lead to more long-term happiness in the world than his former one ever did.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 09:11 pm, 25th October 2015Yes, that was the impetus for me writing this. Though the points I made I’ve felt for many years.
The idea that Neil has “sex addiction” because he cheated on his GF is laughable.
He’s half right. His insane player lifestyle was completely dysfunctional. I remember cringing while reading The Game about the specifics. Staying up until 4am every morning at the clubs, having 8 or 9 women on rotation, nonstop drama with his guy buddies, I remember reading all that and thingking “Wow, this is kinda fucked up.”
But just because one extreme is bad doesn’t mean the opposite extreme (long-term monogamy) isn’t also bad. It is.
I agree completely that spending your life chasing ass is stupid. One OLTR or serious MLTR and one FB on the side is all most men will ever need.
Nope. As players always do, Neil is going from one unsustainable extreme to the other. Long-term monogamy will not work for him nor make him long-term happy (short-term yes, long-term no).
Today is October 26th, 2015. Neil Strauss will be divorced within six years. And I’m being really nice by giving him six whole years.
Just watch.
Being a player forever is stupid, but long-term monogamy does…not…work. The answer for a man is somewhere between those two unsustainable extremes.
CrabRangoon
Posted at 10:35 pm, 25th October 2015BD have you read Neil’s new book? I have a morbid curiosity to get in the mind of the player who tricks himself into monogamy. It is laughable that he checked himself into rehab for “sex addiction” after cheating once. Sounds like he also has an extreme case of oneitis for whomever this woman is.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:46 pm, 25th October 2015No. I’ve read The Game and Emergency, and listened to a lot of his audio stuff.
Neil is an extreme AFC and beta whenever he gets into a relationship. He has admitted this himself on more than one occasion. You can also read about all the drama and bullshit he was putting up with from his monogamous girlfriend when you read Emergency. It was heartbreaking to read.
This is why I was not surprised in the least I found out he had embraced the false Societal Programming of thinking he has “sex addiction” because he cheated on a girl. (HAHA!)
It’s very normal. Just look around. All the PUA gurus have either gone monogamous and paid the price (Mystery, Style, etc) or have gotten bitter and angry at the world (manosphere bloggers). Both are bad.
I don’t have to read the book to know what his “arguments” are for monogamy. I’ve read them from ex-players all before. Like Lloyd is doing above, they only see two options in life:
1. Being a forever psycho-super-player.
2. Being forever monogamous.
They don’t realize they have at least seven other options, and those two above are probably the least sustainable of the nine. Something like an OLTR (or even MLTRs) isn’t even on their radar. If you bring this option up, they ignore it and go back to options 1 or 2 above. So of course, as they age, and they feel the need for kids or settling down or whatever, they go mono (then suffer all the usual crap after NRE: cheating, divorces, drama, etc).
It’s sad.
lazy guy
Posted at 04:24 am, 26th October 2015The devious agenda of those labeling normal alpha male behavior in terms of “addiction” is so transparent: to control others, by shaming them, by stigmatizing some of their normal healthy traits. Yeah, masculinity is pathology. I’m sick of this shit. Makes me wanna puke.
But now that I read this post BD, I’m worried that I’m “addicted” to air and water…
POB
Posted at 06:13 am, 26th October 2015I don’t know exactly what happens to those super-player PUA guys but I guess it’s some kind of rubber band effect. They are all the same: extrapolating to absurd levels what should be normal Alpha behavior when young; then going the complete opposite direction (beta monogamous pussy whipped) when old.
Makes no sense to me a guy who spends years fucking tons of women and bashing society, feminism, other Alphas, marriages then becomes older, get oneitis and preachs like a maniac against the same lifestyle he used (and enjoyed) before. The worst part is it’s always the same excuse: maturity.
These dudes have awesome reads and materials about seduction, but when talking about other stuff (especially relationships) we have to be very careful about their “turning points”.
Michael
Posted at 11:14 am, 28th October 2015Hasn’t this been normal for anyone that has been capable and pioneered anything throughout human history? Those low-sex drive silly conservative people like to follow rules because they don’t have these traits that set them apart to be their own person. Their low sex drives and weak personalities suggest whenever they actually get round to doing it annually, they don’t overly enjoy it anyway, so don’t really understand what all the fuss is about.
Joe joe
Posted at 04:03 pm, 22nd November 2015What are the top 5 things u enjoy in life no particular order ? Sex would be in my list … Also what do you do as you age as a man by the time your 50 you lose sensitivity to touch your orgasms is weaker and your borners arent as hard? Is sex basicslly over by 50 when it comes to physical pleasure
Caleb Jones
Posted at 06:31 pm, 22nd November 2015In no order: my work, sex, traveling, learning. That’s only four things but there’s about 4 or 5 things that tie for number five.
That will never happen to me. I’m on TRT.
Not if you stay physically fit, watch your testosterone levels, and keep having sex with women you find very attractive.
The typical modern man doesn’t do any of those three things as he ages, so of course he runs into problems post 50.
Joe joe
Posted at 02:30 pm, 21st March 2016What ties for number 5 ? I know food is one of them
Caleb Jones
Posted at 03:48 pm, 21st March 2016Things like food, computer games, spending time with my kids, etc.
Harry P. Flashman
Posted at 09:00 pm, 7th August 2016BD, I am very late to this party and to this thread. I so wish I had discovered this blog when I first divorced. So many mistakes, it’s almost embarrassing. I’m now in my mid 40s and dating a gorgeous, low-drama woman in her late 20s. I would say I’m a transitioning Alpha 1.0 to Alpha 2.0. Ten years ago, I was a typical Beta.
This post was eye opening, to put it mildly. I’ve always been a high sex drive person and have had girlfriends accuse me of being a sex addict, simply because I wanted to have sex often, with my girlfriend!
Granted, I do like to have sex 5 or 6 days per week. I’m probably averaging 6.5 days per week over the past 6 months. Hell, I have a very hot, young girlfriend so why not?!
And that’s just me. I’ve always been this way. But I’m also perfectly happy to containing that to the woman I am seeing. Deny me regular sex however, and I will seek it elsewhere. I don’t believe that is in any way sex addiction. Heck, I’ve spent months overseas and completely abstained due to a commitment of monogamy to someone who completely took care of those needs at home. Certainly you will say that it would be better to be in a nonmonogamous relationship so it is never an issue. But I honestly never considered it before.
Anyway, thank you again.
Harry
absidee
Posted at 08:58 pm, 25th January 2017Lol @ the “8” rule. This is why I ditched the pointless 1-10 scale a long time ago and just operate on binary. 1 = smash, 0 = pass. Simple. Considering chicks can go up or down a few points just based on makeup/beauty products/hair/fake boobs/fake ass it’s just too much effort to argue with people “oh she’s a 7, naw she’s a 8, naw that’s a 5” Fuck it, if I decided I’m smashing I’m going for it.
Anon.
Posted at 03:26 am, 26th January 2017I think the bottom line of the 8 rule is just raising the bar, not nitpicking whether someone is 7.5 or 8.5. Exceptionally beautiful women can’t mess with your frame if all the other ones are also very beautiful.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:29 am, 26th January 2017If that makes you happy, go for it. I tend to like women who look better than average though.
Agree entirely and I’m way ahead of you. Read item number 10 here.
MM
Posted at 02:22 pm, 14th February 2018So happy to read BD clearly explain what sex addiction is… the whole societal programming has made everyone believe anyone having sex more than once a week is an addict. (Mild exaggeration but you get my point).
I’m someone who’s had sex twice a day (2-4 hours) for the past 7 years straight and I don’t see myself slowing down. Many of you may think I’m making this stuff up but it’s easily doable…
Sex is more than male ejaculation. Most of us end the sexual act when a man ejaculates… of course a lot of us try and make sure the woman reaches her climax too but women are multiorgasmic… they can go on and on with the right man and chemistry.
When we men discover the power to control male ejaculation which the French rightly call, “petit mort” translation – “small death”… sex with you lady reaches a different level, a different plane… only explicable when one experiences it first hand. You want to feel euphoria… there you have it.
And yes, there is time to have sex 2 times a day and still be successful!
What are your thoughts on that BD?