Sexual Boredom with Long-Term Partners

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Getting sexually bored, eventually, with that same person day in and day out. Women do it. Men do it. Let’s analyze this from a non-monogamous OLTR perspective. Does this still happen when you’re allowed to get funky with other people whenever you want?  One of my readers who I’ll call “Paul” wrote this:  

-By Caleb Jones

Thanks to your amazing advice I now have a wonderful, permissive, smoking hot, borderline-nymphomaniac OLTR that I’ve been seeing for about a year now.  Recently though, I’m just not getting as hard as I used to and reaching orgasm with her is becoming a lot more difficult.  Meanwhile, I’m having no trouble whatsoever with my two FBs, despite both of them being nowhere near as attractive.  It feels like this might be an unavoidable part of being with the same woman for a long time. Is there anything you can recommend to mitigate it?

Let’s get this out of the way first. What Paul is talking about is normal. Yes, even in an OLTR. Not only is it normal, it’s biological, which means it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. As I talk about in The Unchained Man, we have the bodies, DNA, and brains of cavemen living 100,000 years ago.

The male caveman was hard-wired to want to have sex with and impregnate as many women as he could before he died from starvation or being eaten by saber-toothed tigers by age 25.   The female caveman was hard-wired to be attracted to the father of her children only until those children could be mobile and fend for themselves by around age three. After that, she had no biological reason to be attracted to him, and was, perhaps, onto the next guy. 

I say “was” in both examples, but the reality is that it should be “is.” You and your long-term girlfriend or wife are hard-wired right now to get sexually bored with each other to some degree as the relationship ages. It can’t not happen eventually unless one of you is a bizarre and rare exception to the rule. You don’t have very much control over hard-wired biology, and if you think you do, try not taking a piss for 48 hours.  

That’s the bad news.  The key word in the above paragraph is the word eventually. The good news is that you have a lot of control over how long eventually is, as well as the severity of any any decline of attraction. Let’s take reasonably common scenario from the woman’s perspective. Imagine a couple in their late twenties. She’s the typical nice girl. He’s a confident Alpha Male with a lot of dating and woman experience. She’s super attracted to him, and they get into a very serious OLTR and move in together. 

Let’s look at two possible scenarios:  

Scenario 1: Over time, the woman betatizes the guy. He starts acquiescing to more of her demands. He starts spending more time at home and less time working on his business and his Mission. Over time, he stops having sex with other women because he justifies that he “doesn’t need to” because the sex with her is so good. He starts gaining a little weight too. While it’s a slow process, he becomes more and more beta as the years go on. 

Scenario 2: Despite now living with the woman of his dreams, the guy remains a pure Alpha 2.0. He still works hard on his business and Mission. Sometimes she gently bugs him to work less and spend more time with her, but he nicely says no and continues. He continues to have regular sex with one or two really hot, younger FBs on the side, even if she complaints about sometimes. He actually starts lifting weights and watching his diet and starts losing weight, looking even better than he did when they first started dating. 

Here’s the question. Assuming both scenarios were exactly the same in all respects except what I just described, do you think the woman is going get bored with him sexually at the exact same time in both scenarios?   Of course not! In scenario 1, she’s going to get bored with him sexually pretty damn fast, possibly within the first 12 months, certainly within the first 2-3 years (again, unless she’s a very odd exception to the rule).  In scenario 2, it will be a very long time before she starts getting bored with him, years and years. Even if she’s frustrated with his lack of compliance, her sexual desire for him will remain very strong. Read this if you want more details about why. 
Will she never get bored with him if they stay together and if he remains Alpha 2.0? No. That’s Guy-Disney, and Disney doesn’t exist. She’s still a woman and still has core human biology. While it will take many years, she will still eventually get to the point where sex with him doesn’t turn her on as much as it once did. Assuming the relationship is still strong and he’s doing everything right, she’ll probably continue to stay with him despite this. (Double that if he starts doing well financially.) Of course there are no guarantees and All Relationships Are Temporary™, but I’m just saying that she is unlikely to leave as soon as she gets sexually bored with him, unlike a lot of women in normal monogamous relationships to boring beta males or exasperating (from the woman’s standpoint) Alpha Male 1.0s. 

Regardless, Paul is asking about his sexual boredom.   Well, it works the same way, just in reverse. Since he’s a human, Paul is going to eventually get sexually bored with his OLTR, even if she’s hot as hell and fantastic in bed, particularly if they move in together. It can’t not happen (unless he’s a strange exception to the rule, which clearly, he is not).  

However, his girlfriend has the power to delay Paul’s boredom by many years. All she has to do is keep acting like the way she acted when she first started dating Paul. If she does that, and most women don’t, then it will be a very long time before Paul starts getting bored.  He says she’s a “wonderful, permissive, smoking hot, borderline-nymphomaniac,” and I believe him. But I bet that if I did a detailed analysis of Paul, his girlfriend, and their relationship, I would find that there are many behaviors his girlfriend is no longer doing that she used to do when the relationship was new. There would also be new behaviors she had likely introduced into the relationship that did not exist when the relationship was new and hot to Paul. 

We can only speculate on exactly what those behaviors are, but I promise that they’re there.   It may not be only behaviors. Her appearance may have changed. Maybe she’s gained some weight even though she’s still attractive. Maybe she had really long hair and how she has short hair, or perhaps changed the color of her hair. Maybe she dresses differently and/or wears different makeup. 

Paul’s conscious mind doesn’t see these things, but his subconscious mind picks up on all of it. Then, for some reason Paul doesn’t understand, he has trouble getting hard during sex with her, even though he still really likes her and is still decently attracted to her (or so he thinks).  Are there times where men are in longer relationships with a woman and get bored with them even though the woman doesn't change? Or don’t change much? It happens, but it’s much rarer. All men need sexual variety. Again, we’re cavemen so we can’t help it; it’s built into the core of who we are. But some men have a much stronger need for variety than others. Some men need an insane amount of variety. It’s these men who will eventually get bored with a woman somewhat quickly no matter what she does. 

I’ve spoken with extreme Thrill of the Hunt men who literally start to get bored with a woman once they’ve had sex with her four or five times. They may continue to have sex with her after that, but the excitement and sexual pleasure isn’t what it was. Their need for sexual variety is far beyond the average. Most men won't have this problem (I never have). It’s unlikely you’re in this category, but if you are, then yeah, you’re going to have to learn to manage that if a long-term OLTR is in your future. 

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