-By Caleb Jones

This classic funny-but-sad scenario plays out millions of times a day all over the developed world:

Husband: Where do you want to go eat tonight?
Wife: Oh, I don’t care. I’ll eat anything. You pick.
Husband: No, seriously. Where do you want to eat?
Wife: I’m serious. I’ll eat anything tonight. Be the man! You pick!
Husband: Okay. Let’s go get Mexican.
Wife: Oh gross!!! I don’t want Mexican!

It’s a class women give their husbands and boyfriends on a regular basis called Female Irrationality 101. It’s amazing that husbands and boyfriends all over the world still fall for it as often as they do.

I can top it.

Way back when my kids were little and I was married, both my kids and my wife at the time did this. They even did it to each other at the same time. It was hilarious to watch.

On a semi-regular basis, the four of us would be at home or in the car, and I offered to take the family out to eat. My wife, son, and daughter would ask each other where to go. Per the feminine model, all three would say either “I don’t care” or “I’ll eat anything.” (My son wasn’t a woman of course, but he was a little boy, and often they act like chicks.) One of them would finally suggest a place, then another one of them would say, “No! I don’t want to go there!”

The three of them would then argue, and argue, and argue. I wasn’t involved in the discussion, since one of my super powers is that I actually do like everything. Unlike when women say it, when I say “I’ll eat anything,” it’s the literal truth. You could pick any type of restaurant in any city completely at random, and I’ll love it. You could even randomly pick any item on the menu, and I’ll love it. The upside is that it’s a very efficient and happiness-conducive way to live. The downside is that it’s one of the reasons I’ve been overweight for most of my adult life; I love food.

So, throughout the nine years I spent as a married family man, whenever the family decided to go out to dinner, I would say to the three of them, “Okay. You three argue about it and let me know where we’re going when you’re done.” The three of them would proceed to argue with each other, often to the point of getting angry and screaming, for literally 10 to 15 minutes. I would just sit there smiling and laughing (if we were in the car) or be in my home office working, listening to the screaming from a distance (if we were at home).

Finally, two of them would overpower the third, and they would reach a decision, with at least one of them seething. Sometimes this loser would be the wife, sometimes my daughter, or sometimes my son.

I would win every time. Since I like everything. My goal is happiness, as always.

Today, many years later, my daughter is now an adult and lives with me full time. Being a woman, she once tried to pull this shit on me. Unfortunately for her, her dad is Blackdragon.

When she first moved in with me a few months ago, her default statement for going out to eat was, say it with me folks, “You pick. I’ll eat anywhere.” Since it had been almost a decade since I lived with a woman, I had temporarily forgotten that women play this screwy, psychotic game, so I would stupidly choose a specific place, and she’d snort and say she didn’t want to go there.

After this happened, the next time she or I pitched the idea of going out to eat, I would say, “Pick three places (or three types of places) and I’ll pick one from your list. If you say you don’t want to go there, we’re not going out at all.”

Oh, she hated that. It made her girl brain hurt. “But…must…argue…with…man…Does…not…compute!”

Regardless, like most women, my daughter is a fast learner. After contorting her face, she would finally say something like, “Italian, burgers, or pizza.” Or she would say, “Anywhere except Mexican, Japanese, or Chinese.” Then, I’d immediately pick a specific place and stare at her with my Eyes of Steel. She’d then cower and say “Okay.”

I’ve used this method with her since then, and it always works great.

A few years ago, the last time I had a serious OLTR or high-end MLTR in my life, she would also attempt to do this. She’d try to make me pick a restaurant, when she knew god damn well whatever I would pick she’d say no to. Since my super power is that I like everything, I’d just make her pick where we ate almost every time we went out, unless I was in a very strong mood for something specific (which is rare for me; I like everything).

Problem solved. She’d pick a place and I’d love it no matter what it was. She was Asian, so usually it was Chinese, sushi, or Thai. Yum! I could eat buckets of all three. And have. Win for me. Zero drama, and food I love.

It might sound beta to let the girl always pick the place, but it was nothing of the sort. Why? Because she fucking hated it. She was a girly girl, into strong, masculine men, and the fact that she was forced to pick the restaurant almost every time drove her crazy. She wanted to be the typical woman, lie by saying she liked everything, have the boyfriend come up with a place, shoot down eight or nine of her boyfriend’s suggestions, and get into a mini-argument until they came up with a place she liked.

Unfortunately for her, her boyfriend was Blackdragon. Blackdragon doesn’t do drama. Nor does he involve himself with female irrationality. He can witness it from afar and laugh at it, but he doesn’t get personally involved with it. He’s too busy working on his Mission, having sex with babes, and being happy.

I’m currently in NRE with someone who I consider a strong candidate for OLTR. Because it’s the NRE phase, she is extremely sweet and compliant, and is always cheerfully agreeing with whatever my restaurant choice is. (When we go out, that is. I’m a cheapass, so often we just hang out at my place or hers. Much less expensive.) This is saying something, because she’s a really picky eater (as most feminine women are). Sometimes I ask her where she would like to eat, and she either quickly picks a specific place that I like (since I like everything) or she defers to me (“I like everything. You pick!”) and instantly agrees with my choice.

NRE is nice. Too bad its temporary.

I know that in a few months when the NRE wears off, which it will, she’s going to get “comfortable” and attempt this Female Irrationality 101 shit on me. Then she’ll be in for a rude awakening. She’ll reminded who she’s dealing with, and will learn, kicking and screaming, the Blackdragon Method of Picking Restaurants When a Female Is Involved™. She’ll fucking hate it. And I won’t care.

She’ll even read this blog post (Hi Sweetie!). Then she’ll say, “BD, how could you say that about me? You know I’ll never do that!” and a few weeks later she’ll do it. Women are funny. (As I’ve explained before, women’s two favorite words are always and never.)

Most importantly, when women try this silly crap on me, it doesn’t surprise me. I’m expecting it. Because they’re women. It’s how women work. Even the Good Ones™ who are Not Like The Rest™.  Unlike betas or Alpha Male 1.0s, I don’t expect women, even intelligent ones, to make sense or be consistent.

Because I’m expecting it, A) I don’t fall for it and B) it doesn’t piss me off. On the contrary, often it actually entertains me and makes me laugh. Try it sometime. Watch the women in your life (including your female relatives) squirm and sputter as their neurons misfire when they’re actually forced to verbalize the place where they want to eat. Seriously, it’s hilarious as fuck. I should videotape this shit.

See, female irrationality doesn’t have to be a pain in the ass. If you develop systems in your life to deflect it, it can actually be a source of quality entertainment.

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