How To Translate Woman Language Into English

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As you may or may not be aware, women speak a slightly different language than men.  This language, often called "womanese" sounds like English, and uses English words, but often it's meaning is very different.  Many men are often confused when they assume woman language is equal to English, and take action on that basis, only to get a big steaming bowl of drama for their trouble (or worse, lack of sex). Today I, Professor Blackdragon, shall assist you in translating this confounding language into normal English, so that you may more easily understand our feminine counterparts. Obviously I cannot provide you with a comprehensive dictionary of woman language words and phrases...such a tome would be thicker than the Bible.  What I can do is give you some examples so you at least get a feel for woman language, this most imprecise of spoken languages. Here then is a list of common words, phrases, and sentences in woman language, and their proper translation into normal English.

Woman Language English Translation
"I want a 50/50 relationship." "I want a 80/20 relationship where I have my way most of the time. I'll let you have your way on the days when I'm in a good mood."
"Being single sucks." or "I didn't get laid last night, that sucks!" "There is one particular man who I want to have sex with, he won't have sex with me, and that upsets me."
"I've found the man of my dreams." "I'm in NRE."
"I've never been so happy in my whole life." "I'm in NRE."
"He's so good in bed." "I'm in NRE."
"I will be with you forever." "I will be with you until you cheat on me or until I get bored with you."
"You are the most important thing in my life." "My children are the most important thing in my life."
"I'm a Christian and I don't believe in sex before marriage." "I've fucked way too many guys and I'm trying to balance that out by not having sex for a while."
"I don't fuck guys on the first date." "I don't fuck guys on the first date anymore. I used to and had a great time back then."
"Relationships are about compromise." "Please do what I say."
"I want a romantic man." "I want a man who spends money on me."
"I still believe in chivalry." "I expect many fancy and expensive dates before we have sex."
"I like the bad boys." "I'm a drama addict."
"My husband and I have sex all the time." "My husband and I have sex a few times a year. I am very self-conscious about being viewed as the typical wife who doesn't have sex with her husband very often, which is exactly what I am."
"My husband and I have sex all the time." Alternate Translation: "I miss being single."
"I've met someone and I'm going to see where it goes." "I fucked someone else because he got to me first.  I will never see or talk to you again."
"So...are you still fucking other women?" "I know you're fucking other women.  Please stop."
"I work so hard!" "I have no ability to control myself and I blame you for this."
"If I don't have kids by age 30 (or 25, or 35) I'm just going to get artificially inseminated." "At some point I'm going to let some dumbass cum inside me, then I'll get pregnant, claim it's an accident and I 'wasn't planning on it', then rejoice with happiness at my new baby (and new child support)."
"Having sex with you is not my job!" "I am not sexually attracted to you any more."
"I'm not your hooker!" "I am not sexually attracted to you any more."
"I don't like doing blowjobs any more." "I am not sexually attracted to you any more."
"I'm really tired today.  How about we have sex on Friday instead?" "I am not sexually attracted to you any more."
"My friend is really cute/hot!" "My friend about a 5 or a 6. She hasn't dated a guy in a long time and I feel sorry for her.  Please take her out on a date."
"I quit smoking!" "I haven't smoked in four days."
"I don't feel like you love me." or "I don't feel like you value this relationship." "You're not conforming to my agenda.  Please start."
"Oh my god you are SUCH an asshole!" "You really turn me on and that pisses me off."
"My husband is a good guy / good man / good father / good provider." "My husband is boring the shit out of me. I need to fuck another man ASAP."
"This is just sex, okay?" or "You are not allowed to start liking me." "I want exclusivity and monogamy without having the rules of being someone's girlfriend.  So you'd better not fuck any other women, buddy."
"Where is this going?" or "What is this to you?" or "What am I to you?" "You have not asked me to be your girlfriend yet and that disturbs me.  Every other man I've dated asked me to his girlfriend by the 2nd or 3rd date.  What the fuck is your problem?  Please get with the program and be my official boyfriend so I can finally relax, stop being nice, and start bossing you around."
"I would never marry a man who wanted a prenup." "I want the option of divorcing anyone I want and getting free money for it."
"Hey, I don't agree with alimony either." "I don't agree with alimony because I am not currently going through a divorce.  If/when that ever happens, I will instantly change my mind and decide that alimony is a very fair, equitable concept."
"I hate drama." "I love drama."
"I'm sassy!" "I'm bitchy often."
"I love sex." "I love sex once I'm in an exclusive relationship with a man who's jumped through all of my many hoops."  (Women who truly love sex never have to say "I love sex.")
"I'm independent." "I'm going to give you a lot of rules if we start dating."
"Don't ever talk to me ever again!" "We'll talk in a week when I've calmed down."
"Till death do us part..." "I'll be divorcing you in two to seven years."
"I want a nice guy." "I've fucked too many men lately and I'm feeling a little guilty about it."
"always" "occasionally"
Examples would be "You always fart on me!" or "I will always love you."
"never" "occasionally"
Examples: "You never pick up your clothes!" or "I would never have an open relationship." or "I'll never talk to that bitch again."
Note: The two most commonly used words in woman language are "always" and "never".  Women use these words constantly, especially when they're upset, complaining, or trying to look cool.  Just replace the words "always" and "never" with the word "occasionally" and you'll be good to go.

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