-By Caleb Jones

I have received more email questions on this topic than probably any other lifestyle issue. Seriously, I get a lot of emails from you guys about this.
You’re living the Alpha Male 2.0 life and having a great time. Then your friend, mom, sister-in-law, or some other person in your life starts flipping you shit about how you need to buckle down, get monogamous, stop traveling, get a “real job,” get legally married, “grow up,” etc, and be a normal, mediocre, unhappy person just like everyone else. Snide comments and/or veiled insults often accompany this.

He or she is in your family or social circle, so you can’t just tell these people to fuck off (although there are times you can, and should; more on this in a minute). What do you say? What do you do?

Today, I’ll give you some common examples of shaming language you may receive from your friends and family members when they see you smiling and happy and living the Alpha 2.0 good life, and how best to deal with them. These are all real examples that I have either seen in real life or that many of you have reported to me.

Before we get into specific scenarios, we need to make a key differentiation between shaming language and drama.

Shaming language is a casual, though challenging statement that attempts to make you look bad because you’re not behaving in the traditional, Societal Programming way. Drama, as I clearly defined here, is harsh negativity directed at you.

Shaming language is when your sister-in-law implies that you’re being immature because you won’t get legally and monogamously married like she did to your beta male brother. Drama is your mom screaming at you and calling you a loser. There’s a difference and it’s important you don’t confuse or conflate the two.
Shaming language requires you to either address it strongly and move on, or ignore it and move on. Drama is more serious and requires a soft next. For friends or family members giving you drama, there is no discussion or response needed; you just need to soft next their asses. Read this article here about exactly how to temporarily soft next your family members, and consider that article as a companion to this one.

Shaming language does not require soft nexting. However, there may be rare times where shaming language escalates to drama, thus requiring a soft next. Frankly, if this happens, it’s likely your fault, since you gave the shaming language too much attention.

You Won’t Change Their Minds

The one thing to keep in mind during all of this is that it’s extremely unlikely that you’re going to change anyone’s minds, regardless of how right you are and how many facts are on your side. If you’ve ever debated a right-winger on abortion or gay marriage, or a left-winger on unions or race, you already know what I’m talking about. As I’ve described publicly, in some form or fashion, for over 20 years, people come to their strongly held opinions not from objectivity, rationality, facts, or logic. Instead, people formulate their options mostly because of false Societal Programming and their feelings.

Feelings are great. I have positive feelings all the time. I strongly recommend them. But feelings are not a good way to form opinions around which to base your life. That’s a recipe for disaster at best, up-and-down happiness at worst.

Worse, when someone has strong, irrational feelings backing up their opinions, presenting facts to them not only doesn’t change their mind, but it actually makes them angrier. Those of you who have read my stuff for a long time have seen this happen in comments on blogs and forums many times. I’ll present a slew of facts and statistics, and in return I’ll get personal attacks. Feelings always trump facts. I wish human beings behaved differently than this, but that’s the reality.

I first learned this way back when I was in a traditional marriage. The wife would get upset at me about something, I’d calmly refute her point with facts that proved her wrong, and she would get more upset, not less upset. This was very confusing to me at the time until I figured out what was going on; you can’t debate someone whose options are not rational.

So when your buddy says you’re immature for dating three women at a time (even though you’re not lying to any of them), or when your over-33 sister subtly implies you’re disgusting because you recently had sex with a woman 17 years younger than you (even though she’s a legal adult and really likes you), don’t try to convince these people that you’re right and they’re wrong. They are not experiencing rational thoughts, so getting them to change their mind is impossible (at least at that moment). You can and often should respond to them, but don’t try to convince them. That’s a waste of your time.

The Three Ways To Respond

With all that being said, there are three different ways to respond to shaming language. As to which to use, that depends on the person doing it, the particular scenario, your personality, and your level of confidence and outcome independence. These methods are a logical response, a sarcastic response, or a mitigation response. Again, the particular scenario and your personality will determine which method to use.

For example, if you’re a more confident guy, you might use the sarcastic method. However, if this conversation is happening over a dinner table with lots of other family members listening, the sarcastic method may not be appropriate, so you may want to go logical or mitigation instead. (Although, if you’re very outcome independent like me, you may just go with the sarcastic method anyways. Again, adjust for your own personality and each scenario.)

I also don’t recommend that you use these responses verbatim. Use the vibe and tone of these responses, but use your own words. The more authentic the response is, the more effective it will be.

Okay, here are some examples:

“Fighting/arguing is healthy.”

Logical Response: Not according to doctors. I’ll take their opinion over yours, thanks. And feel free to Google this if you don’t believe me.

Sarcastic Response: Well then, shit, you must have the healthiest relationship in the world. Should I ask your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend how happy he/she is in your “healthy” relationship where you guys regularly fight?

Mitigation Response: Fighting is healthy. Right. Oooookay.

“You’re a man-whore/man-slut/player!”

Logical Response: I never lie to anyone, never hide anything, treat any woman I date with great respect, and use condoms. You’re going to have to be more specific about why that’s bad.

Sarcastic Response: Fuck yeah, it’s great! It’s okay if you’re jealous. (Or that your husband/boyfriend is.)

Mitigation Response: I don’t attack you for your lifestyle choices. Let’s just move on.

“You’re immature. You need to grow up.”

Logical Response: I make decent money, pay my own bills, take care of my health, and I’m happier than probably anyone else you know. I’m one of the most adult people you’ve ever met.

Sarcastic Response: Grow up? You mean take orders from a woman like you do? (Or give orders to a submissive man like you do?) Oh, that sounds GREAT! Where do I sign up?!? Hey everybody! I want to “grow up” and be a pussy like Joe here! Where do I sign up for that?

Mitigation Response: Someday when I’m older, I’ll probably settle down, just not the way you would. So I wouldn’t worry about it.

“If you really cared about me/her, you’d be jealous.”

Logical Response: If the guy had a bigger cock than me, and had six pack abs, and was better looking than me, and made more money than me, and was older than me, and was smarter than me, and was less needy than me, then yeah, I’d probably be jealous. For some reason, I’m not worried.

Sarcastic Response: Why?

Mitigation Response: I do care about her; just because I don’t feel the same negative feelings as you doesn’t mean that I don’t care. You’re just going to have to accept that not everyone feels things just like you.

“You have commitment issues/you’re a commitment-phobe.”

Logical Response: The actual divorce risk for people getting married today is around 70%. Cheating, men and women both, is at an all time, historic high. Marital dissatisfaction is also at an all time, historic high. Feel free to Google this stuff if you don’t believe me (coughblackdragonblogcough). You wear a seatbelt when you drive… does that mean you’re an “accident-phobe?” Or are you just being prudent based on real-world realities?

Sarcastic Response: I love commitment! But the thing about having one woman control whenever I do or don’t have sex… yeah, not so much.

Mitigation Response: Someday when I’m older, I’ll probably settle down, just not the way you would. So I wouldn’t worry about it.

“Our relationship is 50/50.”

Logical Response: 50/50 relationships are a myth. One person always has more authority over the other, at least to some degree, even if it’s a 60/40 relationship. I know one of you has more power than the other, and since you are the one declaring to everyone that it’s “50/50,” then it’s probably you.

Sarcastic Response: Your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend tells you what to do 50% of the time and you obey? Really?

Mitigation Response: Okay.

“What’s wrong with a woman telling a man what to do? It shows love and respect.”

Logical Response: Maybe because slavery was outlawed in 1865. And maybe I prefer my balls attached.

Sarcastic Response: Okay, then what’s wrong with a man telling a woman what to do? It shows love and respect.

Mitigation Response: Love and respect are very important; I just have a different view of those things than you do.

“Real men get married.”

Logical Response: If this was 1952, yes. But today, the actual divorce risk for people getting married is around 70%. Cheating, men and women both, is at an all time, historic high. Marital dissatisfaction is also at an all time, historic high. Feel free to Google this stuff if you don’t believe me (coughblackdragonblogcough). Today, real men take careful steps to protect their hard-earned finances and children from the modern-day realities.

Sarcastic Response: Yeah, and most of you “real men” get divorced too. No thanks.

Mitigation Response: Someday when I’m older, I’ll probably settle down, just not the way you would. So I wouldn’t worry about it.

“You disrespect women.”

Logical Response: I never lie to anyone, never hide anything, treat any woman I date with great respect, and use condoms. You’re going to have to be more specific about how I disrespect anyone.

Sarcastic Response: Yes, yes. Making women regularly orgasm is very disrespectful.

Mitigation Response: You know I’m a good person, but if you actually think I disrespect women, we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Those are just a few examples, but I think they give you a good idea on how to handle these kinds of things. The bottom line is to never be daunted by normal people living their mediocre, unhappy lives trying to make you into them. You’re not like them. Be thankful for it.

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