You’ve heard about the the 2-cow “-ism” analogies. You know, the ones that go, “Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Communism: The government seizes both cows and gives you a little milk. Capitalism: You sell one cow and buy a bull.”

-By Caleb Jones

Today I’m going to give you the relationship versions. (And by the way, although I use feminine pronouns many of these examples are not gender-specific; women can have “cows” too.)

Here they are!

Monogamy – You have one cow. She shits all over your house, but you rationalize that it’s somehow worth it.

Serial Monogamy – You have one cow. Her milk is great, and you enjoy it until she gets bored with you and leaves. Then you get depressed and cry. Then you get a new cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Marriage – You have one cow. She screams at you constantly and has you feed her grass for many years while shitting all over your house. One day she leaves and takes the house with her.

Cheating – You have one cow. You drink the milk of another cow. The first cow finds out, threatens to leave you, and shits all over your house. You beg and plead with her and promise you won’t do it again. You’re lying, but eventually she buys it. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Fuck Buddy – You have several cows. They all provide you free milk. The rest of the time they’re out in the pasture doing whatever, and you don’t give a shit.

MLTR – You have two or three cows. They all provide you with free milk. One of them also cleans your house. Another one buys you dinners. Another one brings you more cows. You look at all the other guys who just have one cow and are bewildered as to why they would do such a thing.

OLTR – You have many cows. You keep them in the pasture but you have one special cow. She’s the only one allowed in the house.

Swinging – You have one cow. Occasionally you meet up with other cow owners to sample their cows’ milk, and you let them sample yours. Most of their cows’ milk tastes pretty bad, but you don’t care.

Polygamy – You have three, four, or five cows. You keep them all huddled together inside an electrified fence. You spend the rest of your life arguing with all of them, patrolling the fence, and shooting them when they try to escape, which is often.

Polyamory – You have several cows, but all your cows have several other owners in addition to you. You milk your cows, and their owners, and they milk you. It all gets quite confusing.

Hugh Hefner – You always have exactly three cows. All three are allowed to live in your house. You rotate cows in and out as needed.

Tom Cruise (and Donald Trump) – You have one very young, very pretty cow. As soon as she has two babies and gets a few wrinkles, you get really mad at her and she shits all over your house. After much chaos, you sell her to the butcher and replace her with another young cow and do the entire thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

Charlie Sheen – You’re a tiger. You have many cows. You milk them all when not getting drunk or snorting cocaine, which is often. You also beat them up. Occasionally you have just one cow, but that doesn’t last long, since you beat her up too. You consider it all a win and tell everyone all about it.

Eddie Murphy –You have many cows. All of them end up having calves and they all belong to you.

Larry King – You have eight different cows, but one at a time, all of whom have been shitting in your house for decades. You’re very, very tired.

Alec Baldwin – You have one cow. You have a huge argument with her and she shits all over your house. Eventually she leaves, but you spend the rest of your life fighting her anyway.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You have one cow. You also have another cow, but it’s so ugly you keep it hidden in the closet. One day it has a calf, and the first cow finds out. She shits all over your house, leaves you, and takes the house. However you’re such a badass she can’t resist you and comes back.

Hulk Hogan – You have one cow. She leaves you and takes your house. Then she puts a restraining order on you so you can’t visit your house. Then she starts getting milked by a guy half your age. In your house.

Doug Hutchison – You have one cow. It’s a calf. Everyone hates you. You don’t care.

Bill Clinton – You have one old, very angry cow. You also have many other cows, but you keep them hidden in the forest. She knows about your other cows, but pretends not to, because she needs your farm for her own nefarious purposes.

Tiger Woods – Like Bill Clinton, except one day all of your hidden cows revolt and stampede all over your farm. When the dust settles, your main cow beats the shit out of you with a golf club. Then she leaves and takes the house. You apologize to everyone. You don’t mean a word of it.
Feel free to add your own 2-cow examples in the comments.

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