Nine Steps To Avoid Neediness and Oneitis
This is one of the most important blog posts I will ever make here.
I’m not kidding.
Oneitis (check the glossary if you’re unclear about what that means) and neediness is the number one killer of men. Number one. Not a killer of the body, but of the mind, spirit, future, and happy life.
It is the bane of a man’s existence. At least 70% of all problems suffered within the first year of a relationship are because of the neediness of the male. (After the first year or so, then it’s the woman who is usually the cause of the trouble, but I’ve discussed that one to death already.) Moreover, at least 60% of your screwups in the seduction phase are going to be due to your neediness and/or oneitis and/or lack of outcome independence.
It is THE problem. This one problem leads to almost all the others.
I went back and forth on whether or not to even make a blog post about this. This topic is far too large for a single blog post, and I’m very serious about that. This one topic alone could be an entire book. A thick one. I’m going to get into specific detail on this topic, as in many chapters, in the print-and-paper Alpha male lifestyle book, but that’s a massive project and it will be a while.
So in the interim I’m just going to summarize here. I’ll give you a very, very brief summary of SOME (not all) of the things you can do to avoid oneitis and neediness with women. Let me be very clear: I will barely be scratching the surface of a very big and complicated topic, so don’t expect the keys to the universe here. Consider this a launching point for you, not the end-all.
Others have written about this topic already. Franco, one of the greatest minds in the seduction community, already wrote an article about it right here. He’s comes at it from a psychological and physiological angle and it’s very good. I suggest you check it out.
In this post, I will focus on the more practical actions and principles you can adopt to avoid this killer of men.
Here we go…
1. Realize it’s not her, it’s you.
When you get needy or oneitisy, you’re going to think it’s because she’s Not Like The Rest™ or because She’s So Great™ or because She’s So Hot™. It’s actually none of these things. The issue at hand is you, not her. The feelings of oneitis are being generated from within you, they are not something being transmitted from her to you, at least not in the literal sense.
“But BD, you don’t understand. I’ve fucked 57 women and this chick really Is Different™. I’m not just saying that because I’m some dumb AFC. She really is.”
First of all, you’re in NRE. That means you’re probably wrong about that assessment because you’re in a wildly irrational (though pleasurable) state. After a few months, once the NRE has died down, many guys have been “shocked” to find out that little miss Not Like The Rest™ is really Just Like The Rest, Only A Little Better™.
Second, even if she is different, by getting needy/oneitisy with her you are failing to remember two things:
A. There are other women out there like her. Statistically, there are millions of women out there just as good as her or better.
B. She’s not going to be in your life forever. Women don’t do that. In the modern era, ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY, and that includes marriage. Making long-term commitments to a woman is an extremely dangerous thing to do these days, and if you do it while in the throws of NRE, neediness, or oneitis, it’s just that much worse.
2. Realize it’s just chemicals in your brain.
Allow me to quote Franco:
Falling in love is an organic (biological) psychosis the purpose of which is to keep two individuals long enough together to guarantee pregnancy to happen and the care of the child long enough for the child to survive.
Amen.
For you Disney guys, this chick is not your soul mate. She is not the One You’ve Always Been Looking For™.
For you loser guys, this chick is not the Only Woman Who Will Fuck Me™.
For you players, this chick is not Ms. Not Like The Rest™.
In all cases, she’s just something you’re looking at that’s creating a temporary biochemical reaction in your brain rendering you very happy, stupid and irrational.
Now look. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy a new woman in your life. I certainly enjoy that all the time. I even get NRE from time to time (I never get oneitis, but I do get NRE sometimes). So enjoy the good feelings. Consistent good feelings are what life is all about. The minute you start getting needy, or pussing out, or start to beta yourself, or stop focusing on other women, or start making compromises or promises to little miss Not Like The Rest™, you need to understand you’re placing the future of your life at risk for a few squirts of chemicals in your brain.
Keep this shit in perspective.
3. Find greater meaning in your life.
Items one and two above are what to do once the neediness or oneitis starts to hit. The rest of the items on this list, starting with this one, are to help you to prevent getting oneitis in the first place.
You need to find something in your life with meaning, and it must be beyond the basics. If all you’ve got in your life is “pay the bills” or “graduate college”, then of course you’re going to fall into the pit of oneitis whenever some really amazing girl starts to fuck you. You have no great focus or meaning to your life, so that’s what she becomes..
When I say “meaning” I’m talking about things like a calling (not a career, a calling), a spiritual belief, giving back to the world (charities, etc), art, travel, etc. You know, big-picture items. LIFE. Find something that calls to you.
4. Find a MISSION.
A mission is often, though not always, derived from your life calling. It is one, huge overriding life goal. A goal greater than all the others. One that you may damn well have to work your entire life to achieve. Your mission is personal, therefore it can be literally anything. It can be business-related, physical-related, life-related, charity-related, spiritually-related, and possibly something else. It could even be a combination of those areas.
Your mission is something that excites you and gets you out of bed in the morning. More importantly, your mission must be something life-long or close to it, therefore it cannot depend on another singular person outside of you. Your mission can’t be “make my wife the happiest person on Earth”. What if you get divorced? What if she dies? Your mission must be bigger and grander than that. It can factor on other people as long as it’s a large group of people, not just on one or two specific people.
5. Set goals and work on them.
This should be obvious. Every man reading these words should have specific goals that are written down somewhere. (Women should do this too, but it’s even more important for men.) In my day life, I give entire workshops on goal-setting. My only point here is that you should have goals that are:
A) Very specific. “Make more money” would be a bad goal. “Make $100,000 by December 31st 2012” would be an acceptable one.
B) Written down.
C) Reviewed at least occasionally. I review mine once or twice a week. My biggest goal is plastered on my office wall right above my monitor as a four-foot long banner, so I always see it and never forget it. You may not need to go to those extremes if you don’t want to, but writing down a few goals on New Years Eve and then not checking them until the next New Years isn’t going to cut it.
6. Exercise at least semi-regularly.
I have found, and you will find, that if you exercise rigorously at least once every 48 hours, you will not only have more energy, but you’re going to be a much more motivated and independently-minded person. I’m not a doctor so I’m not sure why this is, but I can tell you it’s true.
I’m not saying its impossible to get oneitis or needy if you exercise often. I am telling you that it’s harder.
7. Never allow too much time to go by without sex.
This is a big one that effects way too many of you guys out there. Any time in your life you go more than about one month without putting your cock inside a woman, you need to imagine my fist punching you in the head. For a man, going without sex for long stretches is an extremely dangerous, reckless thing to do.
Women are different. Women are able to go through a “I hate men” phase or a “I need to focus on my kids” phase or whatever, and then flip a switch in their heads and turn off the sexual desire for a year or two, and be just fine. But for us guys, that’s physically impossible. It’s not the way we work. Yes we can go without sex, but it damages us as men. It makes us less of who we are.
You need to get laid on at least a semi-regular basis. I don’t care if she’s the love of your life or some dumb bimbo you’ll never see again. I don’t care if she’s a perfect 10 or she looks like Jabba The Hutt. Get laid.
And god dammit, don’t give me any excuses. Don’t tell me you don’t have a girlfriend. Don’t tell me you’re ugly. Don’t tell me you’re married and your wife doesn’t like sex. Don’t tell me you have low testosterone and can’t get it up. Listen you bastard, stop with the excuses, identify the problem, determine how to resolve it, resolve it, and get laid. Fuck somebody, anybody, just don’t go without sex!
Going long stretches without sex for any reason is the surest way to become a needy, oneitisy, outcome dependent man. Don’t do it.
8. Whether you’re picking up women or you’re deep in a relationship, never, ever, ever focus on just one woman.
This one concept alone over-arches everything I talk about in the seduction, dating, and relationship areas. “Not focusing on the one” also has direct applications to business and personal effectiveness as well, but we’re talking about women here. Always, always, ALWAYS focus on more than one woman at a time. Always.
When you’re engaged in online dating, always be opening many women. Always be having online email dialog with many women. Always be scheduling dates with many women.
If you’re a real-life cold-approach guy, always be approaching many women. Even if you have sex with one or two of them, keep working on new women. Don’t stop.
When you’re dating, always be going out on dates with many women. Always be having sex with many women (use condoms please).
In relationships, you should always be seeing or fucking more than one woman. Even if you’re in love with Ms. Perfect. I’m not saying you need to be sleeping with seven different people…one MLTR or OLTR and one FB on the side is fine. Two is a hell of a lot better than one. Focusing on one is the problem. Always.
The MINUTE, and I mean THE MINUTE you start focusing your seduction, dating, or relationship efforts or thoughts on just one woman, 50% of the battle is immediately lost. You will now automatically become more needy, oneitisy, jealous, touchy, prone to drama and upset, and quicker to anger. The only guys who really, really get upset with me to the point of irrational rants and name-calling when I talk about monogamy not working are guys in brand new monogamous relationships. That’s not a coincidence.
To make matters worse, you will also be more likely to start compromising your happiness and long-term goals, which for a man is a huge mistake.
A lot of guys will fuck many women, but then get oneitis and go monogamous with just one. No, no, NO. You should still be fucking other women on the side, even if it’s just one FB. Note I did not say you should love more than one woman. Love is indeed only for one special woman in your life (hopefully an OLTR, not an LTR). I said you need to always be seeing or working on or fucking multiple women.
9. Don’t fall into the “average-looking woman habit”
I see a lot of guys out there do this, and it always ends up the same. Here’s what happens: A guy gets a decent amount of confidence and game to be able to go out into the world, pull chicks, and get laid. However, these chicks are all ugly or average-looking, even by the guy’s own definition. He’ll fully admit most of the chicks he fucks are ugly / fat / homely / whatever.
So far, I have no problem with that.
BUT THEN some HOT chick comes along. The guy goes for her and things happen, and WHAM! He gets oneitis. Why? “Because she’s So Hot™” or “She’s the Hottest Chick I’ve Ever Fucked™”. This is the risk you run when you focus largely on non-hot women. You’re getting laid, which is good, but you’re also creating a powerful vacuum of neediness that’s just dying to be filled by the first cute girl who comes along willing to sleep with you.
When I first got back into the game after my divorce five years ago, I made a pact with myself that I would only have sex with the hottest women I could, from gorgeous former models to 19 year-old cheerleaders to minor celebrities and on and on. I did not want a woman so much hotter than the rest that she could mesmerize me with her looks.
I have stuck to that rule and have violated it only with very rare exception. (The only women I have sex with today who are not super hot are the ones who were hot when I started seeing them but over the years have gained weight, or had deteriorated bodies because of kids they’ve had, etc…I consider them “grandfathered in” because of the trust, familiarity, or connection I have with them. But again! These are the unusual exceptions to the rule.)
Because I only have sex with women I think are really, really hot, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, for one chick to come along who is so amazingly hot I’ll lose my frame and get needy, oneitisy, dramatic, or (god forbid) monogamous. Of course there are women I meet in my life who are cooler than others, smarter than others, less dramatic than others, etc. But in terms of looks, she’ll always just be another in a long line of hotties.
Summary
I have a strong feeling you’re only doing one, two, or perhaps three of the above nine things. The rest you’re not doing or doing very half-assed. There are many more techniques and frames beyond these nine to assist you in not getting needy, but if you’re doing all nine of the above items, getting needy or oneitis is going to be difficult. I do all the above nine items religiously…
1. I take full responsibility for my feelings.
2. I always keep in mind that I’m operating with an obsolete caveman body that sometimes urges me to do stupid stuff that will damage my long-term happiness.
3. My life has great, deep meaning to me.
4. I have a MISSION. Actually I have two; one that will continue to consume me throughout my forties and into my fifties, and a second mission I’ll start working on when I’m around age 55. Can’t wait!
5. I always operate under very specific, written goals I review regularly. I’ve been doing this since I was 18 years old and it’s worked very well for me.
6. I exercise hard at least five times a week, using a heart rate monitor to make sure I’m really working my body and not bullshitting myself.
7. Old news if you’ve already read my stuff before, but I always have sex several times a week, every single week, and always with more than one woman. The only exception to this is if I’m out of town on business. (And sometimes even then…)
8. No surprise here, but I always focus on multiple women, even when I’m out of sarging mode and into hardcore relationship mode. That’s what this blog and all my ebooks are all about.
9. As I already said above, I focus 100% on women I find to be at least an “8” on a the 1 to 10 scale, or I pass.
As always, you don’t have to do exactly what I’m doing; I’m just listing the above as an example of how to put these nine items into practice in your life.
Good luck, and get it done!
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
Thank you for writing this and posting it up. This is the greatest blog I’ve ever read.
Wow.one of the best posts on the blog.I’m glad you gave props to Franco.He still amazes me with some of his writtings.First I was raport seeking and then after sex being super needy emotionally and sexually.great points were brought up here.its being aware of your biological drive.like when you are hungry body asks for food yet if you are in a nutritional program,creating a habit and telling the brain everything is ok.we guys let our testaterone,horniness and biology even our emotions cause us to make mistakes in Life.once aware ,It makes huge differennce in any social interaction how you address yourself to move toward your goal and be unaffected.thanks for posting this brah! Peace
Awesome, one of the best posts of your blog, IMO. Great information, thanks for posting.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate: How do you address #6 without violating #9? Let’s say you have an easy time laying average-looking or ugly women, but you have problems laying very hot women. Should you lower your standards if you aren’t getting any, or keep working to lay a hot woman? Hire a hot hooker? I’m curious to know what would be the best way to go if you’re on a dry spell.
P.S. Looking forward to your alpha male ebook, I’ll be one of your first buyers!
Crap, I meant #7, not #6. The point where you mention how a man should never go a long time without sex. Right now, I could use more sleep. 😛
The goal is to be doing as many of those nine steps as you can. Doing #7 and #9 is ideal, but if you’re doing #7 and not doing #9, that’s still better than not doing either. I’d rather see you fucking average women than fucking no women at all. Just realize that if average/ugly women are all you’re fucking, you’re still at risk for neediness/oneitis as soon as a cutie comes along.
If you’re not having any sex at all, you should do BOTH. Get out there and fuck SOMEONE, anyone, even an ugly chick (if that’s really your only option and for most men it’s not), and start working on the hotties.
I would consider hiring a hooker an option, but an option of last resort, i.e. if you’re truly working very hard and getting no immediate results.
I have recommended hookers for virgins to get over that initial hump, but for non-virgins a hooker usually isn’t needed (unless you’re the kind of guy who likes hookers, then I guess have at it).
It’s the same advice I would give to a guy who’s income is so low he can’t pay his bills: MASSIVE, MASSIVE ACTION. You’d be amazed what you can accomplish if you put 12 – 15 hours a day into something for a few weeks.
If I have anything to say about it (and I might not) the Alpha male book will not be an ebook; it will be a print book instead, perhaps done under my real name with an “A.K.A Blackdragon” or something. However there are many factors involved in these decisions so it’s hard to tell at this point.
Haha hooker thing.lol.
Listen another reason why alot of guys never get good or consistent at seduction is cause they have this inner game problem.Aside from self esteem and relationships etc etc..
These guys dont have emotional detachment.This emotional detachment empowers the man not only in seduction but on many levels in school, work,career and business.
That is why when we come from that angle, all this “game” comes off try hard.
Hey, great post Blackdragon. Maybe you can break down how to really focus on the process of seducing *women* without being caught up by *woman*. It’s almost paradoxical… premise needs checking.
@LDX – That’s a pretty big topic and most of what I talked about in the post addresses that. The more self-controlled you are AND the more excitement going on in your life that has nothing to do with females, the easier it will be to focus on “women” without being consumed by “woman”.
great post. For #’s 3 and 4, have any books/seminars that helped you with those?
There are no books/seminars that I can recommend that focus specifically on that topic. Many books/seminars will “touch” on it.
Online, Steve Pavlina has an overly simplified version here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/
And a more detailed version here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/the-meaning-of-life-discover-your-purpose/
I don’t agree with everything he says, but I agree with the gist.
I’ve got to the point after studying & doing game for over five years that I can’t be arsed with it. I’m focussing on myself & it feels much better, I agree trying to second guess chix and waste time with playing along with their games is a waste of my valuable time and energy. As the poster says above too much game is try hard. Just be Alpha…if the don’t want to know then move on & find someone who does.
I can’t see how any guy on a mission has the time to get caught up in female bullshit. I think you can be like Casanova was and be a seducer and let her control the game or go the other way and be Alpha & take no shit. You can’t be both!
Well…at least I exercise on a regular basis.
great post…any recommendations on this…I’ve gotten to the point, I’m a few years younger than you, where I only get aroused(ie erect) if the woman is my “type”, I’d love to get aroused from, shall we say, less quality woman(in my eyes), to continue the frequent sex, but it just doesn’t happen.
This is going to sound simple, but the answer is “practice”. Find a “less quality” woman who is willing to “work” with you until you get the point where you can get aroused. I’m not sure I see a real problem with what you’re describing though.
Hey, I’m here because of a sexless marriage, that is partly caused by my previous oneitis and too much beta. I’ve been working this year to fix that and so far it’s been working. I’ve hit just about every one of these points on my way back to manhood. The only issue is I’m still sexless. Basically, she married me because I was a beta nice guy that would support her, but I’m no longer that guy Being more of a confident alpha didn’t spark her interest as much as I would like. There has been some progress from her and it’s sex a couple times a month now, but I still need more than that. I’m giving it the summer as I continue to work on myself and then I’m bringing up the open marriage option. She actually already brought it up once before and I have mixed feelings about that.
Anyway, while I do interact with a lot of attractive women at work and such and practice my alpha qualities there, there is no sex being had. What would you suggest? I don’t want to cheat. To me, cheating is almost as pathetic as having a wife who won’t have sex with you. It’s like saying, I’m scared to actually confront this issue with you so I’m going to sneak around and hope you don’t find out. That’s not very alpha at all. For me it’s going to be more-or-less an ultimatum of we either improve this now, open the relationship, or eventually I’m going to have to leave. In the mean time while we work on this, I was thinking about using online dating just to meet women and practice, but not actually for sex right now. It seems like it couldn’t hurt to practice.
I hate to be simplistic, but if you’re not getting sex from your wife after trying to be more attractive for her, AND you don’t want to cheat, conversion to an open marriage is the only option left to you. Get the open marriage ebook and execute the plan laid out in there.
What is your objection to loving more than one woman at once?
Namely because 99.9% of men don’t know how to truly do that, and it would complicate matters for them and their women. If you’re one of that 0.1% who can do it (which I am not), then go for it.
Note that being in love with one woman and being in raging NRE with a second woman at the same time is perfectly okay. I’ve done that more than once. But NRE isn’t love (though people often mistake NRE for love).
This list hits home! In my life I’ve slept with 2 women (both in relationships that started in an internet chat room, kissed 5 (all between Feb and Apr 2003), never had a one night stand, haven’t touched a woman since may 2006. I’m 30 years old. What’s your thoughts, honestly?
If you haven’t had sex since 2006, you don’t want sex very badly. Your problem isn’t oneitis, it’s desire.
Hey BD
Thanks for the awesome blog btw.
I need some advice.
I am a good looking 25 year old virgin (except for a month, I’ll talk about it in a bit). Never so much as kissed a girl in my life. I live in India, and here hooking up before marriage is frowned upon.
I am trying to create a business. I think I might have some financial success by the end of this year… enough to move out. Right now I am living in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my parents and younger sister.
I have read your blog completely, and I have been hitting a lot of problems with generating leads for seducing. Women do find me attractive, but I fail to take it anywhere. Why?
Here are the reasons:
1. I don’t meet new women AT ALL, other than some rare event or party where I am invited. Even then I am with business people, or family members, and I do not want to fuck my reputation up by taking risks in those social situations.
2. I tried DayGame on college campuses, but I actually got beat up by men accompanying those women. Literally, beat up. The problem seems to have accelerated post the infamous Delhi Rape case. Bottomline, when I approach women, mostly they run away. That is what is being literally taught to women by the Indian media… Don’t talk to strange men and all that! I have approached maybe 50 women on the streets and gotten creep shamed about 25 times. 4 times I actually got beat up by the father/brother/boyfriend of these women.
3. I don’t have a place of my own to fuck, and I don’t even have enough money to go on dates.
4. Online dating isn’t prevalent. No real girls use it. I don’t know a single woman who uses online dating sites. I have tried, but gotten zero dates after hours upon hours of effort.
It seems to me most women get boyfriends at their workplace or college. I studied in an Engineering college, which had 1 girl for every 9 boys ratio wise, and they too looked like ugly dorks. I don’t have a workplace yet. And I don’t know if I will want to seduce my own employees once I start hiring. All couples I see met each other at work. I am creating my own business, and working hard at it.
But sexless life isn’t very inspiring. I’d happily settle for a mono relationship right now, just to get some sex. Hookers aren’t an option… I don’t have the money. And I find that whole scene repulsive as hell.
Sometimes it feels so lonely. I work on controlling my mind, and engaging myself in some productive work. But I think lack of sex and affection is killing me right now.
What do I do?
My plan is to keep my head down, and achieve financial success. Then get a place of my own, and then get a girlfriend. But I still don’t know how to meet women in the first place. What do you recommend?
Roger
P.S. I was born in Delhi, India. I lived in NYC for a month. I got laid 9 times with three different women there. I went on first dates with 11 women, and made out with six of them. Picking up women in NYC was a breeze. I have been to other Indian cities as well, but I never could duplicate any single one of those successes. I know for a fact that women do find me physically attractive… And that my confidence and charm works once I get them out on dates. The problem seems to be that I don’t have any leads on the front end, to use the business lingo.
P.P.S. I am not a victim. BD, I am seeking your advice because I respect you. I know for a fact that a day will soon come when I will have achieved whatever I need. I work hard, things just seem to be taking a lot longer than I had originally anticipated.
Oh, and by the way. There is a flip side to the grimness of this situation too… Divorce and infidelity, while they may be on the rise, are still quite low in India. Just saying!
I’m going to make a post soon on advice for virgins, but the bottom line is virgins need to stop all “game” and just find someone to have sex with them a few times, be it a female acquaintance or a hooker. THEN you’ll have the confidence to go out and sarge and get results.
And living in a hypersensitive sexually-oppressive culture like India is not worth a low divorce rate. Freedom is too important.
“And living in a hypersensitive sexually-oppressive culture like India is not worth a low divorce rate. Freedom is too important.”
Yeah, well… I’m working on it. I need enough money to get out of here. Looks like I am stuck till then.
Arent you worried about stds?
Nope. Read this:
http://www.blackdragon-blog.com/2012/04/15/condoms/
Yo married for 2 years, wife keeps having tantrums, got worse xmas/ new years eve. moved back to her folks. Lots of issues with her family interfering etcetra but I’ve finally realised the only one i should blame is myself. I’ve turned into a bloody doormat cum butler come pa.
So i’ve started working hard, trying to enjoy my old life etcetra, no contact in the hope of improving myself so when she realises what she is missing out but ive just realised today that maybe she is not worth the hassle.
it took me a long time to accept, that there will always be a endless supply of pussy. My wife is a perfect 10. Hot, medic etcetera so took me a while for me to understand the endless supply and that peace of mind is a lot better then a trophy wife. I’ve always only every gone for hot women, even if it meant going without for months but from what i can tell from your blog, does’nt matter much how fit a girl is, a shag is a shag
I do feel ultra guilty about cheating, and all the women i know so far seem to be very moral. ( they do not want me to cheat with them as they would’nt like it if their future husbands cheated on them)
So anyways im going to try make sure i am truly over my onetis. If my wife comes back, then i’ll reconsider then.
Quick question.
I’ve been in a dry spell for almost a year now. It was by choice but I now feel the need to get back to women.
That is a contradiction to your point 7 : ‘7. Never allow too much time to go by without sex.’
How do I avoid getting one itis for the first girl I will have sex with?
I’m going to agree with Ellie on this BD.
I sincerely believe fucking something that you know is not good enough, just because you’re horny is detrimental to long term happiness. I don’t know what it’s like for other guys, but for me, doing a 5 is worse than going 3 months’ without any sex. It literally eats away at me and causes me insomnia :/.
Everything else said is sweet as bro.
Just my 2c.
BD,
“7. Never allow too much time to go by without sex.”
Does it HAVE to actually be dick inside her pussy? If I cuddle naked with a girl and get an amazing blowjob and cum in her mouth — does this not count, if not — why not — why does it have to be sex by penetration? (if thats the case)
Thanks!
If you get a blowjob instead of sex every once and a while, that’s fine. If you get ONLY blowjobs and NEVER vaginal intercourse, that’s not fine and doesn’t count. I’ve seen a few men with weird relationships like this; “We don’t ever have sex. She doesn’t want to. She just blows me.”
Bad.
I see what you are saying. But does the body and mind REALLY know the difference between cuddling (both being naked) & getting a blowjob and cuming in her mouth vs. having penetration sex with a condom on? What makes the big difference? I would think the same “hormones” are being released — I am not saying you are wrong, just very curious in the theoretical difference. Would greatly appreciate knowing why.
“For a man, going without sex for long stretches is an extremely dangerous, reckless thing to do.”
Thanks in advance!
For the next five years, never have any sex. Just have blowjobs and cuddling and that’s it. Then in five years tell me how you feel.
Thanks 🙂 I agree with your answer. I don’t think it needs any further explanation — and I rather not try it for 5 years lol.
I’m dealing with this now. Last week I had sex with a chick who was a lot more attractive than the ones I usually have sex with, and caught feelings bad lol. I really doubt she’ll be seeing me again because when we had sex I was hungry, dehydrated and under the influence (we did nothing but drink and get high at her friend’s place pretty much) so I couldn’t perform well at all haha. I couldn’t even enjoy the sex because of the headache I had. I feel like a dumbshit for catching feelings but that’s the way it goes.
I’m wondering if there is some mental block that prevents dudes like me from getting with chicks that are considered attractive? I had some really nasty rejections from my past that kinda shaped me this way, as well as a traumatic experience that gave me TONS of sexual anxiety (that I deal with to this day). I can get good looking chicks out on dates but that’s about it. Any insight on this, BD?
Lousy post. Having sex with ugly women doesn’t give you oneitus.
What BD means is that if you usually fuck ugly chicks and then fuck an attractive one (or in my case one that was more attractive than the last ones) you’ll catch feelings because you aren’t used to it like the ugly chicks.
Correct, but having sex with ugly women and then having sex with a hot woman is much more likely to give you oneitis for her.
I suggest you go back and re-read the article. Slowly.
Well, you may say that I suffer from oneitis, but one whole year after I met my ex-MLTR, I still haven’t met such another quality girl. We had a 5 months relationship, whereas I haven’t exceeded one month with the other girls. She was pleasant, smart, always willing to visit places with me. Everyone else I have known was boring, annoying or dumb. A girl being exceptional doesn’t have to be oneitis. Maybe it is the truth.
Oneitis has nothing whatsoever to do with the girl. It has to do with your actions in regards to the girl.
Caleb, I have been dating the most sexy and attractive women for two years now. Over 70 to be precise (I’m only 23).I’ve always been following the above advice and have been single for about four years because of this. My standards are extremely high and even if a girl is exceptionally beautiful, her personality and goals in life have to be even better.
But just as your article suggests, I have met and dated a girl who simply WAS able to finally get me super oneitis.. The first three months I’d still date and fuck others, and I wouldn’t be oneitis, but as time progressed I just fell MADLY in love with her.
It reached a point where first she was chasing me and texting me always first, where as in now those roles have completely changed. She likes me, and we’re in a relationship, but I am getting WAY too needy!
I have just moved to the UK, everything is new to me, and we now have a long distance relationship where we see each other every two to three weeks. The problem is I am being way too needy with her, and I see it in her reactions by taking aaaages to respond to my messages and stuff.
How the hell could this happen and why did this happen! I am so in love it is so annoying! And that for somebody who has fucked so many models and such. It’s really frustrating!
Could you please guide me Caleb? I really would appreciate it. I do my best to be cool again and give her less attention, and I will focus on dating other girls again, but I don’t want to be lying to her and to be honest I am just crazily in love with her. Can’t get her out of my head, and I know her now for almost 7 months, being in a relationship for now about three months.
Thanks so much
@Sebastiaan: BD will probably give you the link to “there’s this one girl” type of questions, and he’d be right, because your case is nothing out of the ordinary.
Everything you should do, you’re already aware of, and you said it repeatedly in your comment: you’re being too needy, stop being too needy. You’re texting her too often, stop texting her often. And so on.
There is no magic pill for this. Either you do what you already KNOW you’re supposed to do, and you might improve the relationship, or you don’t, and you’re fucked. Either you CAN resist the urge to be a pussy with her no matter how terribly you want to, or you give in, and she’ll be less and less attracted to you until she dumps you.
Besides, what do you mean by not wanting to lie to her ? Did you promise her monogamy or something ? If you did, you’re already fucked. If you didn’t, there’s nothing wrong about dating other girls.
Tell yourself “I, Sebastiaan, if I text her or call her anytime in the next 48 hours, am a complete loser and I deserve what’s happening to me”. And fuck someone tonight or tomorrow. That should set you on the track to regaining your balls.
Well, good read till point 6, after that… a downward spiral… it goes up and down, but overall just down. Don’t get me wrong, neediness and oneitis are bad, just as most woman nowadays… but you, you are just as bad. “Never focus on just one woman”… realy? Do you realize this behavior is what created the mess with 4th wave feminism in the first place? Women today are acting just like that, riding the cock carousel, jumping from man to man, putting other into friendzones, ruining the lifes of the rest, no matter whether they are needy or not. I wonder if you realize humanity is way past wild animal stage to follow their original biologic nature. I hope spiritual enlightement will be one of your missions, the sooner, the better. Good day.
Read item number 29 here.
What is your current MISSION? What is the bigger meaning you find in your life. Thank you.
I can’t be specific, but it’s based around freedom, experiencing the world, and being long-term happy, well into my very old age.
Oneitis can also lead to obsessive stalking. You become so fixated on one girl you can possibly commit borderline criminal and insane acts(texting/calling excessively, stalking her social media, following her around, coming to her place, showering with gifts, etc). A lot of stalker needs to get a wakeup call that one girl will never like you at all. Most of these stalkers with oneitis often have no lives outside their obsession with one girl. I often wonder about stalkers or just normal men with oneitis “Why are wasting your life chasing after someone who doesn’t give a crap about you. Ironically girls go after guys who are meeting other girls, hanging out with friends, doing passionate things, work a lot, and chase after their goals because that one girl isn’t the center of their universe. When a guy is passionate or working on other girls, then the neediness will go away. I stopped being needy or having one sided borderline stalkerish crushes when I focused my life on work, school, family, friends, and hobbies that girls would not be in my mind. Girls intuitively pick on my productive life and gradually wanted to be part of my world(at least platonically). Oneitis is great in your middle/high school when you have little life experience or stuck at home with parents, but it becomes disturbing and pathetic during college and adulthood when you can be exposed to multiple women with new adult freedom of traveling, networking, and recreational activities.
Not can, it does. If you catch feelings, you have now placed a portion of happiness in your lover’s hands. This means their agency is so strong that you now need their company just to be somewhat emotionally healthy. Someone who gets one-itis who stalks isn’t doing it obsessively, they are doing it out of necessity for their mental health maintenance.
There’s a difference between enjoying a lover’s company and relying on said company to not be miserable. Unfortunately, thousand year old narratives (starting from religion and now currently with TV, School, Hollywood etc) now makes it so where if you DON’T catch feelings for someone you like you are a bad person.
Its never “great” as much as it as a default mentality that is thrust upon the youth. I’d say that’s the only time where it is kind of acceptable because in most cases in your youth you are too inexperienced and stupid with the opposite sex to know better anyways. Also when you are young (like under 25) you are more sensitive to SP.
Reverse Oneitis?
I guess it happens sometimes that one get to comfortable and lazy awhile for whatever bullshit reasons.
You stop seeing others as frequently, meet your MLTR more than once a week from time to time and VOILA wake up with Oneitis one day.
It has happened to me before. Even though I still had a ONS every three weeks or so and was still actively pursuing other girls and had many girls pursuing me, I ended up in a Oneitis state where I wasn’t even interested in others and started worrying about loosing her. It was pretty painful since I couldn’t even enjoy being with her when we where together since my mind was occupied with scarcity. I was probably on a high NRE dose aswell.
Is there a way to reverse and save yourself from it when you notice it early on before you loose your frame and it becomes to noticeable for her? Something like just start seeing and fucking more girls again and get rid of a lot of the uprising neediness?
Or is it always to late as soon as you reach the Oneitis stage and have to waste the whole relationship?
After many many years of being an Alpha 1.0, I morphed into a one-itis Beta/controlling Alpha. I started seeing this sexy hot Colombiana woman a year and half ago. I was doing ok and maintained my frame (confidence & outcome independence) for nine months and made sure she came every time we fucked. Then Valentine’s Day arrived and she started saying how much she loved me and how we were meant to be together, have a future, etc. She was Miss Not Like All The Rest. Cue the Guy Disney, betazation, drama, etc. See I made the mistake of not having backups when that fateful day came and I paid the price. Nothing is worse than falling hard for a woman and turning into a wussy beta. I didn’t even recognize myself. The sad thing is that I knew better after twenty-five years as a player. Guys, always have at least two additional women on rotation and never ever ever lose your frame. Otherwise, you’ll have hell to pay.