Divorced Men Shouldn’t Give Marital Advice
There is a very clear reason why I don’t give advice to men in monogamous relationships, and why I don’t give marital advice (unless it’s about how to convert a mono marriage to an open one, or to convince a guy to divorce his wife ASAP). The reason is simple: I don’t do monogamy, so I have no business giving advice about it. This is also why I don’t give advice on things like club game, auto repair, or geology. I have no track record of success in these areas, so I keep my mouth shut about them.
Simple concept? I guess not. Apparently this level of logic isn’t very common. Exhibit A is right here, an article that allegedly has received over 2 million views from various reprints. It’s written by a spiritual Tony Robbins type who just got divorced, and is now giving advice to married men on how to not get divorced. Does that sound just a little odd to you?
Oh dear. The beta is strong with this one. Let’s examine what Mr. Zero Credibility In What He’s Talking About says about marital longevity and bliss:
1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted.
That’s fine advice. The challenge is when you keep doing this but the woman starts taking YOU for granted anyway. Then what do you do?
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.
Um…doesn’t that contradict what you just said, Mr. Zero Credibility?
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
How the hell do you do this? Love is not something under your direct control, so how do you “decide” to fall in love?
Disney, airy-fairy bullshit.
(No wonder women are eating this article up.)
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
That’s fine, but what if she gains weight, chops off her long hair, starts getting bitchy for no discernible reason, and drastically reduces her frequency of sex with you? Which is what the vast majority of western women do once you marry them, because that’s what they’re biologically wired and societally conditioned to do.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER
That’s absolutely right, but then he says,
your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
What the…fuck? Love her even if she becomes something you never loved and never wanted? Again, Mr. Zero Credibility, how the hell does one do that?
If, when you married her, she was beautiful, nice, and sexual, and several years later she becomes ugly, bitchy, and hates sex, hey, no problem, just love her whether you wanted that or not.
And we’re only on item number five of twenty items, folks.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness
Okay, finally something accurate.
I guess one out of six isn’t so bad.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If you get frustrated or angry
Change the word “never” to “usually don’t”, and then you’re right. Generally this is accurate. Usually if you’re upset at a woman, it probably is your fault.
But if your wife overdrafts your checking account by $600 on purpose, or has an affair with your brother, or does drugs in front of your children (all real things wives have done), then yeah, it is appropriate to get angry at her.
In my world, such anger would be short-lived however. Instead of screaming at her forever like most husbands would do, I’d be out of the house within 24 hours, she’d get served with divorce papers within 48 hours, and I’d be having sex with a new woman within 72 hours. I’m speaking literally here.
8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok.
Oh yes, that’s right Mr. Beta. When she’s screaming at you at the top of her lungs and calling you an asshole, you just need to hold her and let her “be”. Uh huh.
DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere.
Haha. (I’m still laughing.) Ohhhh yes. It’s your job to sit there like a man and take her abuse. A real man is his wife’s emotional punching bag. It’s your “job” to be screamed at, insulted, belittled, and even violently attacked. Hey, just let her be.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh.
Agree, as long as you don’t lose your frame. We’re two for nine so far. Not doing too well so far, Mr. Zero Credibility.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY
No, fill her pussy every day, preferably several times a day (until she reaches the three-year mark and starts giving you excuses about how she’s “too tired to have sex today”).
Making her feel cherished is fine, as long as you also make her feel ravished. Both are important, ravished more so.
And forget this “every day” stuff. More Disney bullshit.
11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul.
Actually, better advice would be exactly the opposite: Have a Mission…one that has nothing whatsoever to do with her. Men like that maintain attraction from their women/GFs/wives much longer and with far less effort than beta males who constantly fawn over their female partners.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY
Agree, as I just stated above.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT
Such erudite wisdom. Solomon himself would be humbled.
14) GIVE HER SPACE
In my world, that’s a constant given. I don’t ever have to “try to remember” to give a woman “space”, because she always has her space from me, regardless of how serious or in love we become.
15) BE VULNERABLE
Beta language for “be a pussy” and “be submissive” and “be a girl”.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT
Ha! Oh hell yeah! That always works! “Honey, I really want to cum inside your niece’s mouth.”
Yes, I’m sure your wife would love to know all of your societally unacceptable male sexual desires. It will strengthen your relationship and bring her closer to you.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER
What if she doesn’t want to grow?
And before you answer that, Mr. Zero Credibility, remember you just said a minute ago not to try to change her.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY
Are you fucking insane?
Isn’t “money” one of the top two reasons for divorce?
But hey, just don’t worry about it.
No wonder this guy got divorced.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY
Don’t forgive. NEXT.
Nexts make forgiveness irrelevant.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
Disney Narnia Cinderella. Prince Charming Snow White. And unicorns. Problem solved!
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after.
Correct. That’s why you got divorced.
It’s about work.
Yeah! That’s right! Fuck all that “happiness” and “fulfillment” stuff. It’s about WORK! Being happy is for single people! You’re married now! Time to stop being happy and doing what you want, and get to WORK!
Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
A second marriage? To a successful good-looking high-powered man? Yeah, that “amount of time” will be about 7-10 years, at most. Let’s see if I’m right.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
Yes, the type of husband who hands over the money and takes out the trash when ordered and serves her breakfast in bed. I do indeed hear married women brag about that kind of “man” all the time, before they divorce them…
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Or else just don’t get married 😉
“10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY
No, fill her pussy every day”
Okay, we must be telepathic or something, Caleb, because I thought these words before I read them.
Amen. I was that husband. Wife treated me like shit anyway and had a 5 year affair. Having a blast now that I’m single and got that evil woman out of my life.
I can tell you what I did in that situation: try even harder.
It didn’t work. But I did manage to waste a bunch of time, money and wipe-out what was left of my self-respect…
About marriage:
1) Always show her who is the boss and make clear with your actions that without your lead she will be unable to maintain the high quality of life you have together.
2+3) Make clear – again with your actions more than words – that you are able to walk away from her at any moment should she disrespect your leadership. Make it clear that you can get other women whenever you want.
4+5) Always see the best in her. 🙂
Make sure to tell her what she has to do so others can see it also. This does include fitness, nice hair and cloths, what kind of shoes are acceptable in your company all the way to the point when you have to tell her that after a kid or two her breast has lost something and it is time to talk with a skilled doctor about an upgrade.
6) True. Nobody can make you happy or angry other than yourself.
However it is easier to be happy if you have a hot looking, feminine, fun-loving wife at your side compared to …well BDs nightmare for example. So make sure she understands that the further away from the former mentioned ideal she strays, the less time you will spend with her and the less interested in sex with her you will become. Read 12) for clarification.
7+8+9) Wrong, just delete them.
10+11) It is your job to lead her. Be a strong leader and she will have faith in you and follow you. Even if it is south america, like I did.
12) Fuck her good as if it was the last fuck in your life. Forget about romantic bull shit, if your wife has frequent vaginal orgasms and squirts a few times a month you will notice that women can have and want(!) more sex than us men.
Us men get tired at some point and if you have other interests in your life like fitness, hobbies or your job/career you may find yourself wanting say 4-5 times sex per week (we are talking about your wife here, who you may know for more than 10 years, remember that) while she could do 2 innings daily.
This is the most effective female way to ensure a monogamish life-style in an alpha male. Keep the gun un-loaded. Works most of the time.
13) Dont be an idiot. Yep, sound advice in all areas of life. Wearing a pink super-cat costume does not help.
14) No
15) No – a good leader is strong and (at least seems to be) invincible
16) No
17) Never stop improving yourself and she will do her best to keep up with you or else you will do 12 much less. This will then motivate her to improve herself. It is a self-regulating circle.
Your options come into play here. She has to earn you constantly. Thats why you never promise monogamy.
18) Money ist the most important thing in a man’s life in todays world. You should not have to worry about money because you have more than enough. 99% of men dont. If you are one of these you better put money first.
It is easier to be a happy and fun-loving person, if you do not have to worry about paying next months power bill.
19) She has to work REALLY hard for forgiveness. I never forget but I can forgive under the right conditions.
20) “It’s about work.” True enough.
It takes work for your wife to keep herself in shape and maintain a sexy hourglass figure over the years. It takes work to build a home for your family and it takes even more work to raise children. Also it takes work to earn money, keep yourself in shape and lead a functioning household. Lots of work indeed – thats why a happy family is such a rare find these days.
Clearly we’re both misogynistic pigs.
@Maldek – I generally agree with your points with two notable exceptions:
Bossing your wife around like that is Needy Alpha stuff and a recipe for eventual drama.
“Work”, in the negative definition of the word that I was using, is only valid if it’s for a concentrated, temporary, limited period of time to achieve a specific result that makes you long term happy.
Spending the rest of your life, or even just 5 years of your life, “working on a marriage” does not qualify as what I’m talking about.
outcome dependent alpha please.
“bossing around” replaces “Nexting”.
So far it works for me; drama level is acceptable.
“Work” was used in the most positive way in my example.
Your example with “working on a marriage” as in “man up” “endure” “fun is for others” and so forth is something I would advice my enemies to do;
I fully agree with your points.
Our view on the topic is not that different. Minor nuances is all.
This guy in the gay dress on the other hand is talking bull shit squared. Made me angry to read and even more angry thinking that men might follow his advice and doom themsels in the process.
If you got good game overall I’d say being vulnerable can actually make them more attracted, as it shows you are in fact human after all. It can also show strength, since most people, at least in my experience, are very afraid to show that they are vulnerable, since they perceive it as weakness.
True, if you turn into a sobbing wimp it’s going to make them run like hell, but in my experience showing a few chinks in the armor from time to time won’t hurt you. Just remember to use it sparsely, like you would a very hot spice.
It seems like this guys business idea is to sell BS “empowerment” couple retreat and other fluff targeted to a specific type of couples, where both are stupid, and the wife is the dominant one. That would explain what the guy says. Guys like this are the definition of corrupt scum, praying in dysfunctional and stupid people, and ultimately making their problems worse.
TI: I’d say those cases are specific rare exceptions in the grand scheme of things. To the general target audience of his website, the vulnerability advice is simply terrible.
@maldek
you sound like a regular at the Returnofthebetas ,omega-roosh and other similar pathetic blogs.
BD is right- being a needy alpha (or to be precise-just needy) is a highway to the drama.
Hardly any woman is going to listen to your bossy bs to “stay in shape”,they have massive moral support from media,friends and supplicating betas (who are always there) and will have own opinion about the state of affairs
“like a regular at the Returnofthebetas ,omega-roosh and other similar pathetic blogs.”
Roosh an omega? You sound like a regular in troll-land to me
@”Roosh an omega?”
So you are a regular there,I see your kind miles away).
Of course he is an omega,who else is he?Have you ever read returnofthebetas and his blog?It’s basically anti-game.It’s a sweet pill for all the betas.Its very similar to antipua and LMS forums,it gives hope that one can have a functional monogamous relationship without having any game.Its disgusting and outrageous.
Roosh can only get laid in places where his american passport adds him any SMV.Oh well not even in those place he can get laid.Learn to read between the lines.He escaped his looser life in states,he escaped from brazil,he keeps running from himself.He survives on giving english lessons,lives in shitholes instead of enjoying life.And what is the reason for this?Pussy.
Very deep emotional conflict and borderlines behaviour.
Stay away from those forums,they are full of bitching and crying and have 0 practical advice,basically.They also give you false ideas that some women somewhere abroad might be better than back home.Women are women and they always follow their biological programme- find a guy,betaise him,dump in 3-4 years.
Whoa, this is really ironic…!
I like your blog a lot, you usually write sensible things and I think you are very right in that (happy) monogamy is a social construction that isn’t realistic or maintainable for most people.
But there’s some stuff sprinkled into what you write about on that I just don’t agree with and I think this post encapsulates it pretty well.
First, I think giving advice from a point of “this is why I failed” is not horrible at all (and not at all comparable to why you don’t give geology advice). Obviously the best relationship advice comes from those who have successful relationships. And note that my definition of successful does not mean just ‘not divorced (yet). I mean loving, passionate relationship, with frequent and fulfilling sex. The type of advice you are talking about comes in second place to this type of advice of course.
I do see advice from divorced men from time to time, and I usually consider it solid advice, for two reasons:
1. The advice is similar to the advice I see from those who have *successful* relationships
2. The advice is similar to the advice I myself would give other people, *based on my own successful relationship*
Now, there’s a lot of people out there giving horrible relationship advice, and they usually give advice that they themselves do follow, *but they don’t have a great relationship*. That’s the worst type of relationship advice imo.
BlackDragon, Do YOU have a track record of a successful marriage filled with love and lots of sex?
Do you see why I find the fact that you are dismissing this guys advice ironic based on the fact that he is divorced? You are divorced… and here you are giving relationship advice… I’m surprised you don’t see this??
Don’t get me wrong, your relationship advice is really great most of the time. Certainly lightyears ahead of advice from the average Joe/Jane, or even many “relationship experts”. And I think you definitely have found something that works for your lifestyle. But you have some beliefs about long-term relationships, and how women work, that simply aren’t true.
Take it from someone who is happily married. And note again my definition from above – I am talking about long-term, having a loving and passionate relationship, with frequent and great sex.
You need to take a deep breath, relax, and re-read the first two paragraphs of the post very carefully.
I give relationship advice. He is giving marital advice. I do not give marital advice, as I clearly said in the first paragraph which you seemed to have skipped.
Note also the quality (or lack thereof) of his advice. Lots of insane airy-fairy Disney BS that he intends to use again when he gets married again.
@Cryocamera: This post is about BD’s view on some goofy guy’s thoughts on retarded monogamy, not the PUA world. I have been to Roosh’s blog many times, and have encountered many more positives there than negatives. Same as BD’s blog. These guys are giving us, ordinary guys a great deal of valuable help and support, so lets stop the bitching and focus on the topic at hand.
@AnotherDragon
I’d love to read your own formula/advice on keeping a happy marriage and how long that’s been going for. What have been your main challenges and triumphs, and your settled principles?
@Greybeard
BD as many other guys from PUA movement gives tested results advice on game.I enjoy reeading it as it also supports my own experiences and views.
Roosh and returnofbetas is antigame,it’s completely different group of guys with views hardly distinguishable from ordinary pussy-whipped americans (monogamy,blaming the establishment,costant complaining and whining,disney bs,find “love of your life” just not in states etc).They keep repeating all the needy stuff there over and over again.
But let’s not de-rail the conversation further.
As per number 3:
Falling in love over and over again is only possible when you see multiple partners… So unless your wife is ok with both of you doing that….
I’m so confused,
The title is “Divorced Men shouldn’t give Marital Advice”,
and then you literally go on to write the BEST article on marriage I’ve ever read..
You should consider making engraved steel plaques out of the numbered points- at the very least bumperstickers. lol
This is like that chick who wrote “The Rules” while being completely unable to attract a man and maintain any kind of relationship with one.
In this dude’s case, it sounds like a pathetic attempt to garner a female audience, who would so recognize his awesomeness that they would leap at the chance to fill the void his ex-wife left.
Which only works if you’re Hugo Schwyzer.
themaskandrose.wordpress.com
Well we know there is always two sides to the story. He was just expressing what he could have done to make his marriage work. No body rejoices over failure in anything in life. And making some one fill bad because they tried is not good either. Marriage can be a good thing ,just as well as being single. Not all people are meant for marriage, and not all people are meant to be without a mate. I have learned that people need to investigate their choices in mates before they make big commitments .people do it for cars and homes they purchase, why not take the same interest in a potential mate. Do your home work! Then you will not get pop up surprises.
I have never commented on this blog although I read it very often. This time I couldn’t help myself, it was so damn hilarious, especially the part with:
Ha! Oh hell yeah! That always works! “Honey, I really want to cum inside your niece’s mouth.”
Yes, I’m sure your wife would love to know all of your societally unacceptable male sexual desires. It will strengthen your relationship and bring her closer to you.
Dude, you are the man. Keep it up and you have to come to Europe once, to turn some pussies into real men.