The Fastest Way To Be A Failure
Warning you in advance: I’m going to be a jerk today.
I’m going to tell you the absolute worst statement I ever hear from people. I’ve heard it many times over the last few decades as a business consultant. I’ve also heard it many times from men over the last few years as a dating/relationship advisor. I’ve heard it perhaps a hundred times or more, and it still saddens me every time I hear someone say it.
The statement I’m talking about is this:
“I tried that once. It doesn’t work.”
It was so fascinating to me when I started hearing this from men a few years ago when talking about dating and relationships. It was complete deja vu from what I hear from people in the business world all the time.
I’m about to tell you exactly what I tell my business clients when they give me that above statement; that most pathetic, irrational, lazy, cowardly, and downright stupid, yes stupid excuse. Only the examples will be different.
I’m going to ask you a few questions and I want you to think very hard about the answers.
Do you think the very first time I put up an online dating profile it got me laid? Do you think it even got me a date?
Do you think the very first time I attempted an MLTR relationship it worked?
Do you think the very first time I did a soft next on a woman it worked perfectly with no drama?
Do you think the very first time I hit up a much younger it worked out well?
How about way back when I did daygame? You think the very first time I went to a mall and started walking up to women and saying hi, that they loved me and I got laid?
How about the very first time I had the big “Talk” with a woman? Do you think the very first time I told a woman that I never would be sexually monogamous to her but wanted to still see her, that she said “Oh, that’s okay!” and kept seeing me?
How about my very first online date way back in early 2007? Do you think she liked me? Do you think that date worked out well?
Let me tell you something. In pretty much all of those circumstances, the entire thing blew up in my face. I had women scream at me, call me names, and never see me again. I felt embarrassed. I felt bad. I felt like a failure.
But here’s the key difference between me and many of you out there. When I tried and failed at something the first time, I didn’t throw my arms up in the air and say “Well, fuck that! That clearly doesn’t work!”
No.
Instead I said, “I know this works, because I know other men have done this successfully. Clearly the way I did it is off. I need to try this again and do it slightly differently.”
And sometimes, guess what? The second time I did it, it also blew up in my face. I still didn’t say, “Online game sucks!” or “Soft nexts don’t work!” or “No woman will ever date a guy unless he’s monogamous!”
No. I kept on saying to myself, “This really sucks, but I know this can work. I’ll have to try it again.”
Maybe I had to try it a third time or a fourth time, but eventually it would work. From that point on, it worked with very high success rates for every woman I tried it on thereafter. But I would have never achieved that success if after the first time I tried it I declared it “didn’t work” just because I tried and failed one frickin’ time.
I’ve seen men on forums and in my email seriously say things like:
“Online game doesn’t work. I tried it once. I sent out 9Â openers and didn’t get one date.”
“MLTRs don’t work. I tried it once. She got really mad and demanded that I get monogamous or she said she would break up with me. So I went monogamous with her. I had no choice.”
“Younger women don’t like older men. I said hi to a younger woman once at Starbucks and she yelled at me and said I was too old.”
These guys were not making jokes or being sarcastic. They were really saying these things in 100% seriousness. They really thought that because they tried something once and it didn’t work out, that means what they were trying was impossible.
The First Time Rarely Works
I can’t believe I have to keep saying this, since I’ve been saying it for over 20 years in my business consulting career: Don’t assume a thing doesn’t work just because it didn’t work out for you the first and only time you tried it. You need to assume that you’ll probably have to try it several times before you get results. You also should assume that those first few times you try it and fail, you might fail badly, and be frustrated or even embarrassed. Assume this in advance. That way when you screw up, you won’t feel nearly as bad.
That means that yes, the first time you try online game, or an open/poly relationship, or dating someone much younger than you, or try to use a dating or relationship technique you’ve never done before, it probably won’t work. It might even blow up in your face. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work at all! That means you’re a newbie and you did it wrong. You’ll have to try a few more times before you get it working correctly. This is normal.
Look, I wish you and I lived in a world where we could try something completely new and have it work out perfectly the first time. But we don’t live in that world. Instead we live in a world where you have to try something a few times, possibly fail badly and embarrassingly a few times, and THEN it works.
I simply can’t imagine myself trying something new, that I knew worked for other people, failing at it the first time, then surrendering and saying “That doesn’t work!” I don’t even understand that mindset.
The only exception to this would be things that really don’t work in the real world, like 25+ year-monogamy with no divorce or cheating by either partner (where 50% of the success relies on a completely different individual no matter how amazing you are) or repeatedly having 3-4 hour meet-to-lays with women over age 33 when you’re over 35, and other statistical near-impossibilities. I’m not suggesting you should beat your head against a wall trying to make a pig sing or trying to turn lead into gold.
I’m saying when you try something new you know works for other men, you need to give it a few tries before you declare it “doesn’t work,” even if the first few failures are uncomfortable for you, which they probably will be. Want some examples?
A Few of My First-Time Failures
I’ve talked about some of my failures in life before, but I’ll add a few to the list that relate specifically to the first times I tried things with women.
- The very first time I made an online dating profile, my response rate was near zero percent, other than women who messaged me only to call me a “prick” and a “jerk.”
- The very first time I attempted an FB, the woman screamed at me in the middle of a crowded bar we were visiting.
- The very first time I attempted an MLTR, the woman actually married another man while she was dating me. I had to find out via her MySpace page. I texted her asking if it was true, she said yes, and then she was gone. Talk about getting dumped!
- Right after the very first online date I ever had, she sent me a long, scathing email about what an insensitive jerk I was and how dare I say the things I said. When I tried to text her a few weeks later (yes, I actually tried to text her later; I was still a beta back then) she pretended to not know me.
- The first time I tried to have sex with a woman right after my divorce, I couldn’t even get it up. I tell the whole story in my open marriage ebook. (It was from my social circle, not online game.)
- I saved the best for last. I had to pull old spreadsheet data for this one. To get my first actual sexual intercourse from online dating, it took thousands of openers, hundreds of back-and-forth messages on two different dating sites, nine first dates, seven second dates, four third dates, three fourth dates, with hundreds of dollars spent, just to get to sex one time with one woman. Sound fun?
Fortunately, you don’t need to go through that kind of pain because you have access to this blog and my ebooks that show you exactly how to do it. Regardless, my point stands. None of these things caused me to throw my arms up in surrender and declare that it “didn’t work.” Today, all of these things work for me so well that I barely have to take any action to get great results. I can do this stuff in my sleep now.
But if I had said “I tried that once, it doesn’t work,” I would still be that lonely, frustrated beta I was so many years ago.
Please, please, never use this excuse. It’s the fast lane to failure.
You’re better than that.
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Very true statements here.
When I lost my virginity at the age of 28, I had to approach 400+ girls from day game and some from night game. Girls told me to fuck off, told me they weren’t interested, told me they just want to be FRIENDS, etc. But guess what? Some also told me they thought I was cute and confident. I got 20+ phone numbers, went on 6 day2, 3 day3, and one became my girlfriend and had sex with me.
It was really hard work, I had girls freak out on me on day2s. I also had no money when I did it, I was absolutely flat broke. But I knew deep down inside that pick up works and even if I sucked in the moment, I would eventually get better if I kept practicing.
I just got back to day game recently after not doing it for 2 years. Yesterday I approached 5 girls, 3 of which was exactly my type. I got directly rejected by all of them, felt really embarrassed and had a few onlookers give me a dirty look. One of the girls didn’t even acknowledge my existence. But I know for every girl my type that rejects me, there is another one right around the corner that does and I just have to keep approaching.
I don’t know why so many people make excuses and whine and complain about this. The truth is, even if you don’t get laid right away, just look at the inner development you get from doing pickup. The skill is directly transferable to all parts of your life. At the very least, doing pickup let’s you kill your ego after repeated rejection and you start to strengthen yourself and kill your inner pussy. Best decision I ever made in my life.
There are no failures at all only leaning opportunities…its your fault if you miss them.
You’re missing something important here…when you fail, you need to come up with a theory about why you failed. This is probably where the people who claim “it doesn’t work” are coming from. The guy who sent 9 online openers and got no responses doesn’t know(or even have a guess as to) why he failed, so it’s the system that doesn’t work. It could be the content of his messages, it could be his location, it could be the number of messages he sent, but without the knowledge of what the variables are, or the desire to test them, you get “it doesn’t work”.
Yes but the problem is that guy who gives up at 9 openers isn’t interested in any of that analysis. He just being lazy, irrational, or stubborn. (Or possibly he has a Thrill of the Hunt personality that hates online game no matter what and is just making excuses.)
Bottom line, he’s not interested in taking the time to make it work. He’s only interested in giving up.
BD, as you and a lot of guys have already stated: “online game is a NUMBERS GAME!!!”
It’s like when you’re starting a new businness…clients will not knock on your door begging you for your amazing services. The same goes with women damn it!!!
When you’re a begginner they won’t crave for your golden cock and the orgasmic and unforgetable sex you’re offering (only in your mind dumbass!). Instead most of them will treat you like a chump who does not deserve their magical pussy. And you know what? That’s supposed to happen, because you’re probably being a chump anyway.
BUT after you’ve dealt with 200, 300 women, you simply WON’T CARE. You will understad that women’s rejection is normal and perfectly acceptable, even if you’re a very desirable alpha.
So after you start to bang 2-3 different women at the same time and is able to replace any of them as you need, if someone rejects you you just think:”so f.. what?”.
When you master that mindset and frame you won’t regret at all the thousand no’s you got along the way!
“where 50% of the success relies on a completely different individual no matter how amazing you are”
internalize this quote gents.
Guys, my first online profile got me laid directly after my seperation which went to divorce married from 19-21 but from age 22-25 (currently 25) Ive had sex less then 10 times. Ouch yea the inner marriage hot wife sex was all I’d known but this dry spell will end and I will get back on my game and take responsibility and screw some more great pussy! Stay strong and thanks for the sincere encouragement
I laughed at the “MLTRs don’t work. I tried it once. She got really mad and demanded that I get monogamous or she said she would break up with me. So I went monogamous with her. I had no choice.” quote, because I’ve used that before. Then I realized that I did have a choice, and she even gave me the right one: to break up and go find the relationship that I wanted.
This is a great post, and I was just thinking about this the other day.
When I first read Neil Strauss’s book – The Game – back in 07, I went out a few times to bars and tried to open women. Most of the time it failed miserably. I watched some vids on youtube of Mystery and tried some more, also didn’t work out well. I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong or if it was all snake oil.
I’d talk to other Beta friends of mine, who frankly were only marginally more successful than me, and they’d give me idiotic tactical advice that was sometimes right, sometimes wrong – almost never actually field tested. It was very difficult to pierce through the ‘fog of war’.
It wasn’t until a few years later, when I made a commitment to go out pretty much every night for a month that I started not really caring as much, getting more numbers consistently, and started hitting ‘flow’.
Same I think is true in sales and business. This is one of those things that really doesn’t get enough attention in manosphere. While I think Roosh and Mystery and others in their writings put out stuff that is all correct, the most important thing to remember is that it only works in the context of seriously putting in the numbers and have a system in place that supports you and allows you to measure metrics.
If you come from a sales background this may be obvious, but if you come from a more technical background like myself, very early on you attribute mistakes to something you are doing wrong.
The thing that men forget is that in order to practice game we generally have to put in the outbound approaches which takes actual effort. But for most even marginally attractive women, they’ve never had to do any outbound game. It’s all inbound, every day of their lives since they were 16. So the cumulative effect is that by the time they are in their late 20s / 30s, the average woman has had *way* more practice with approach dynamics / dating than most guys.
Hey BD, this post had me looking through the archives from some time ago when you actually posted statistics regarding a blitz you had done online. Didn’t seem to be there anymore. Also one or two other posts (I vaguely remember an old blog post regarding a point system regarding how to determine where you are on the scale of Alpha / Beta)…
Just curious if this was by design or if these had been left out in err when the blog was upgraded?
I decided I didn’t like the Alpha Male quiz; a little too complicated and arbitrary.
When the blog was upgraded I was going to combine the 3 or 4 online dating stat posts into one big one. I guess I never got around to it. I’ll do it eventually.
I am tired of this success and failure, alpha and beta..fuck this all…the manosphere the PUA the redpill…rock bottom is the place to be…
Whatever you say tyler durden..
Good topic! BD I remember in one of your Podcasts you say, that we have to be persistent, if for example sex doesn´t occur on the second date, then maybe try a third or maximal a fourth date….provided she gave good signals before.
What about the Online Phase? How many times do you try to meet her before you condemn her as uninterestet, who is not worth investing more time in?
I suggest them a day and time to meet. If she doesnt have time, I try it some days later, even if she didnt offer me an alternative day to meet. If the 2nd date is also wrong for her and she doesnt try to raise another day, which would be better for her, I rarely try it a third time.
Exeption is, when she really try to bring up an alternative date, better for her time management. Than I persist longer because then I see that she is also interested in a date.
If she’s age 23 and over, just once. If she’s hesitant to meet up in real life, she’s not interested and just looking for e-validation so I move on. If she’s under 23, I give her a little more time to deal with the age difference.
BD, you’d think 90% of what I do romantically is insanely wrong, but never mind.
A few years ago, in a broken LTR, I discovered Roissy, and read Hawaiian Libertarian’s famous come-to-Jesus post, and tried to apply it. I had no clue. Much drama. Tried again. More drama. Took a while to figure out (Duhhh) that anything where I actively participated in drama was the Wrong Way to Do It. There’s always a lot of assumptions you don’t know you need to get rid of, a lot of subtleties in human interaction that you have to learn by experience. I wish I’d read you then: not just “you don’t have to take shit”, but precisely HOW NOT to take shit and have it accepted/respected. They gave me enough to trial and error the rest, though.
Took time to master, but sticking with it is the best thing I ever did in my life — even better than choosing my profession 20 years ago over the idiotic objections of virtually everybody I trusted. And that wasn’t small.
to;dr: BD really knows what he’s talking about.
Hey BD, just want to say thank you for all these eye opening articles that you write. I am a 25 year old beta (admittedly), determined to be the alpha I can be and am meant to be, and your blog is such an inspiration.
I don’t mean to revive an old blog post. This has to be one of the best posts on BD’s blog. This is one of few things that would make sense to ANYONE: Man, woman, trans, whatever.
Here’s my question: What do you do when you hear your buddies, people you care about say this?
I’m trying to get one of my buddies to do freelance stuff as well as online dating, two things that have freed me up quite a bit. And he’ll give me the same “tried it once, didn’t work” response. I just want him to be happy and I know the path he is going down will not make him happier five years down the line. Should I just not care? Be supportive? Be tough?
I hate seeing my buddies straight up refuse to be Alpha 2 and settle for being Beta or Alpha 1. It feels like I’m losing them (and I probably will in about 5 or so years when I intend to move to Southeast Asia).