Everything In Your Life Is Your Fault
Everything in your life is your fault.
Does that piss you off?
Good.
Let’s make you even more angry.
Your income, your weight, your sex life, your average level of happiness, and everything else like this isĀ YOUR FAULT. That’s right. Yours.
They aren’t your parents fault (assuming you’re well over age 18). They aren’t Barack Obama’s fault or George W. Bush’s fault. They aren’t your government’s fault (unless you live in a dictatorship or communist country). They aren’t feminists’ fault or left-wingers’ fault or right-wingers’ fault. They aren’t rich peoples’ fault or theĀ one percent’s fault. They aren’t white peoples’ fault, or black peoples’ fault, or Jewish peoples’ fault, or Christians’ fault or any other race or religion’s fault.
Nope. They’re your fucking fault.
Sorry. But that’s the truth.
Want more? I’ve got more.
They are also not your ex-girlfriend’s fault. Hey, you’re the one who made her your girlfriend. You didn’t have to do that.
They also aren’t your ex-wife’s fault. You’re the one who married the bitch. You could have married someone else. Even better, you could have been smart and never gotten legally married in the first place. Your fault.
They’re not your boss’s fault. You don’t have to work there. If it sucks, quit. Go get another job. But I can’t get another job that pays this well in this economy blah blah blah. Hey, I didn’t say it’s easy to quit or get another job. I said your income is your fault. So is your overall job satisfaction. Because it is.
Just about any negative condition you can think of in your life, no matter how much it might seem like “someone else’s fault,” you can trace back to YOUR decisionsĀ and YOUR actions. Therefore, your fault.
Don’t make enough money? You could make more if you really wanted to. Girlfriend is a bitch? You could dump her ass and find new one if you really wanted to. You’re too fat? You could lose weight if you really wanted to. You’re too skinny? You could get more buff if you really wanted to. Had shitty parents? You could get counseling, read some good self-help books, surround yourself with positive people, and turn your life around if you really wanted to. Never get laid? You could learn some dating skills and get out there and start having sex if you really wanted to.
Again, I’m not saying it’s easy to do these things. Often these things are very difficult. Easy or difficult is an entirely different discussion. I’m just saying these things are your fault. Because they are.
Alright, now let’s deal with your excuses, ‘cuz I know you’ve got a million of them.
What some of you are now doing is immediately leaping to the “we have no free will” debate, and you’re getting your fingers poised to make a comment on this blog post saying that I’m completely full of shit because we live in a deterministic universe where no one has any free will and you cannot control your actions.
I already gave my final word on that several months ago in a comment, but I’ll repeat it here just to be official about it:
Hereās my final word on why determinism is irrelevant even if itās 100% true:
Youāre playing World of Warcraft and having a lot of fun. Suddenly, while fighting a dragon with your buddies, you stop and say, āThis is all an illusion. Itās just a bunch of ones and zeros on a screen sitting on a server somewhere. The software determines my goals and actions. I have no free will here. Weāre all equal here. Whatās the point?ā
Then you just stop and stand there. The dragon kills you and kills all of your friends because you suddenly stopped cooperating. Now your friends hate you and refuse to play with you. When you resurrect, you just walk around aimlessly as you lecture everyone about how all of this is not real because itās just a game on a server. All you do is annoy people, and you stop having fun.
Are you wrong? No. Technically, youāre right. However, youāve missed the entire point of playing the game. Warcraft is an illusion, but itās also a game you play with a point; for your enjoyment. Life, even if itās an illusion, even if you have zero free will at some infinitesimal level you canāt consciously perceive, is also a game. One to experience to the fullest and be the happiest and most fulfilled you can while the āgameā lasts. Acting as if you have no free will, and no one is responsible for their actions, is incompatible with the goal of playing, enjoying, and āwinningā (however you define that) the game.
It doesnāt matter if you canāt shoot a lightning bolt out of your hands in real life. In Warcraft you can, so go with it, enjoy it, have fun with it, and use it as best you can to fulfill yourĀ objectives in the game.
Sitting there with a frown on your face as you shoot the lightning bolt thinking āthis is bullshit, itās not realā defeats the entire point. Turning to your friends in the game as youāre all playing it and lecturing them that people canāt shoot lightning bolts out of their hands is fucking stupid and a waste of your time and theirs.
NowĀ switch lightning bolts for free will. It doesnāt matter if you donāt (or might not) have free will in real life at some inconceivable, imperceptible cellular level. In the āfalse illusion of free willā that is life, you do have free will, massive free will. Maybe not āfor real,ā but again, in the āillusionary gameā that is life, everything is your fault and your responsibility, so use this to better yourself, be more happy, and bring more happiness to others. While the gameĀ lasts.
Microphone drop!
There you go. Even if you are 100% right and we don’t have real free will on some imperceptible molecularĀ level, it’s completely irrelevantĀ to what I’m discussing. Within the “game” that is this “false” world, you control your actions, your actions determine your results, therefore yourĀ results are your fault.
I have allowedĀ discussion ofĀ the issue of determinism and free will in the comments on this blog for manyĀ years now. It’s been debatedĀ in detail. Everything that can be said here about this topic has been said. I am now officially declaring the topics of free will, determinism, and nihilism as off-topic for this entire blog. From now on, any comments relating in any way to these three topics will be immediatelyĀ deleted and replaced with a link to this blog post. If you really want to discuss these topics, that’s great, but do it on a philosophy or physics blog, not here. This is not the placeĀ for it.
Alrightee,Ā back to the topic of everything being your fault.
So now what you’re doing in an effort to tell me I’m wrong isĀ reaching way, way out into the less than 2% zone and trying to find an exception to the rule. Then you’re going to try to hit me with something like this:
This is bullshit, Blackdragon. Not everything is your fault. What about little kids who die ofĀ cancer? Was that their fault?!?Ā
Of course that’s not their fault. There are unusual exceptions to every rule. But as always, the exceptions prove the rule. The fact you have to point to children dying of cancer to prove your point shows how weak your point is. How many kids do you personally know who have died of cancer? See my point? Yes, it happens, but it’s so damn rare that it falls well into the 2% Rule.
Just to be fair, I’ll cover some of the exceptions to the “everything in your life is your fault” rule that might be valid:
- Children (people under age 18 or 16 or so) are a possible exception because they often can’t control their own actions or the conditions of their upbringing and thus aren’t often responsible for their results. But if you’re over 18, this isn’t you.
- People who live in highly oppressive nations are aĀ possibleĀ exception, because much of their free will and choices are curtailed by coercive government force. So yeah, if you live in Somalia or North Korea, you’re a possible exception to this. As always, I’m talking about people who live in the Western world, which means you.
- People afflicted by medical conditions that are 100% unpreventable are a possible exception. However, this doesn’t get you off the hook for most other medical problems whichĀ are preventable and therefore are your fault if you get them. And remember that most cancers (as just one example) are preventable if you live the correct lifestyle. AsĀ a perfect example, my uncle died of ALS a few years ago. That wasn’t his fault. However, around the same time I had another uncle who died of a heart attack. That absolutely was his fault. He was fat. That was his lifestyle choice. So ALS = not hisĀ fault, heart attack = hisĀ fault.
- People maimed in some kind of freak accident where they were not at fault in any way whatsoeverĀ mightĀ be a possible exception. If you were in a parked car and someone drove into you and you lost both of your arms and legs, then okay, you were an odd exception to the rule. But if you got in that accident because you made an error while driving, or were stupid while driving, or were texting while driving, or got drunk then got into a car, that would be your fault. And for fuck’s sake,Ā please don’t give the typical feminineĀ excuse ofĀ “it wasn’t my fault because I was drunk.” You didn’t have to get drunk. You could have given your keys to someone else before getting drunk. (See? Your fault again. Don’t try to bullshit me.)
There are probably three or four more super statistically rare exceptions to the rule I could come up with if I racked my brain, but you get the point. The key point is most people who are bitching and complaining about their lives are not dying of cancer or living in North Korea. 99% of the time, they’re bitching about something this is their fault.
“I don’t make enough money!” Your fault. Get a different job. Start a different business. Market more. Change industries. Get more training. Work longer hours. Move to a more prosperous city. Etc. Again! I’m not saying it’s easy to do these things. I’m saying you could do these things if you wanted to, and if you choose not to, then it’s your fucking fault.
“My ex-wife is trying to take my kids away!” Your fault. You got serious with her. You proposed to her. You married her. You didn’t sign a parenting plan with her or a prenuptial agreement with her. You moved in with her. You had babies with her. Etc. These were all conscious decisions you made that you didn’t have to make.
“My roommate stole $600 from me!” Your fault. You moved in with the bastard. You didn’t run a background check on him before you moved in with him, did you? Likely, you didn’t move out or kick him out when you first discovered he was a shithead. Also, the only reason you needed a roommate is because you don’t make enough money to pay your own rent, or because you want to live in a place more expensive than you can afford on your own. And remember, your income is your fault.
I could go on for the next hour with more examples of crap you bitch about that you think isn’t your fault that actually is. But again, hopefully you get the point. Everything in your life is your fault.
By the way,Ā just to show you how much I mean this…this rule applies to me also. Every problem I have in my life is my fault. Granted, I live a pretty awesome life and I don’t have very many problems these days, but what few I have, or have had, were my fault. All. My. Fault. I have no one to blame butĀ myself for every problem I have ever experienced in my life since I moved out of my parent’s homeĀ when I wasĀ 18 years old.
And neither do you.
Why This Is A Good Thing
I’m now going to explain why assuming the mindset of “everything in my life is my fault” is one of the most positive, empowering things you can possibly do with your life.
If your current conditions are your fault, you can change them. If you make $25,000 a year and hate it, and it’s your fault, then you can make much more money than that if you so choose. That’s pretty awesome if you think about it.
What if you make $25,000, hated it, and it wasn’t your fault? What if the reason you only made $25,000 is becauseĀ you lived in a 1984-like authoritarian country, and some government agent who looked like one of the Men In Black followed you around with a pistol to your head 24/7 and made sure you never earned more than $25,000 a year?
That would really suck, because you would truly be powerless to increase your income. If you did, you’d get shot.
But if your income was your fault (which it is!), that would be wonderful! That means you could choose to change your income whenever you wanted.
That’s why when I say your weight or your sex life or your income is your fault, instead of getting pissed off and defensive, you should be happy. ItĀ means you can change these conditions. If they really weren’t your fault, you’d be screwed…for life.
I LOVE that my problems are my fault. I think that’s fantastic! That way I have the power toĀ change them. My past problems that are now gone were also my fault. So I put in the work to change them, and now they aren’t problems any more. I’m glad they were my fault, because if they weren’t, I’d still have those problems. That would be bad.
By the way, if your problems are your fault, that also means the good stuff in your life are also your fault. So if you make a lot of money or get laid a lot, and achieved these things through your own efforts, you should give yourself a pat on the back. You did that (regardless of what Obama says). That was your “fault.” Well done! If you achieved quality results in those areas, you can also achieve at least decent results in other areas also. Because those areas are your fault too.
So SUCK IT UP,Ā STOP BITCHING, and GET TO WORK. Everything in your life is your fault. Which means you can change anything in your life you don’t like.
Isn’t that awesome?
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Distilled version:
It’s good news/bad news. The bad news: it’s all your fault. The good news: since it’s all your fault you can do something about it. You have choice whether you want to see that or not.
More people addressing the concept of internal hyperagency. It’s a hell of a pill to swallow, but it’s definitely a cure for the the disease of victimhood saturating our culture.
Even inside the world shitting on you scenarios you are still responsible for your reaction to it. I played the victim for a long time and it only caused more pain. I am responsible for my thoughts, feeling, and actions, period!
Comment deleted for violation of Rule Number One.
Really great post. Although I’m hoping you will next make another one addressing the easy/difficult issue, with examples of easy changes, medium changes, and difficult changes. It’s important.
Good idea.
I fall into your possible exception #1:
“Children (people under age 18 or 16 or so) are a possible exception because they often canāt control their own actions or the conditions of their upbringing and thus arenāt often responsible for their results. But if youāre over 18, this isnāt you.”
I’m 20 now, right when I got expelled from university (from doing something that was completely my fault), a week later I found your blog, various manosphere websites, and have had a very slow cruel journey on defeating my general anxiety disorder, moderate amount of social anxiety, and obtaining the ability to sleep with women who are equally attractive or hotter than me within under 2 weeks, By 2015 I’m definitely hoping to accomplish and complete all 3 goals by the end of this year.
Your entire blog and book has been a godsend, along with GLL, and sedfast.
Glad I figured out Everything was my fault right when I was expelled, funny thing is if i didnt figure this out, I probably wouldn’t have ever googled “Modern alpha male” and find your first google link.
Funny how life works.
Comment deleted for violation of Rule Number Five.
I dislike your decision to censor certain points of view that you disagree with. Having access to different points of view gives me more options to shape my beliefs how I see fit. Your motive “Everything that can be said here about this topic has been said.” is obviously false. I am also worried about further censorship once you start using this power that you have.
As far as the topic, I have internalized this mindset a long time ago and find it funny how you keep expecting disagreement, you must have dealt with a lot of excusers along the way.
You could also add the expected timeframe to acomplish easy, medium and difficult changes.
I know it’s kinda hard to do that, as there are a lot of variables depending on the goal, but people should be time realistic when they stop bullshitting themselves.
This is all true only if you live in a town by yourself or in a bubble, otherwise most things are not your fault, although some are. We are all subject to the world regardless of whichever pep-talks we like to give ourselves. The attitude expressed in this post is generally a good one, but one must not take it too far out of one’s own head, it is more inspirational (like a motivational poster) rather than literally true. This is all a part of the hyper-individualist attitude of late-capitalism/modernity, and so he is trying t of it into that and survive it, although according to himself, he “could change that if he really wanted to!!!” instead of adapting to it. It is all this alleged “freedom” that made everyone miserable. Nevertheless, I suspect the author means well and probably just wants to promote a can-do attitude of personal myth to his readers. Remember, you are not alone in the world and the actions of others will affect you and it is not necessarily your fault.
Happy New Year all!
Comment deleted. The topics of free will, determinism, and nihilism are now officially off-topic for this blog.
Comment deleted. The topics of free will, determinism, and nihilism are now officially off-topic for this blog.
My prediction was that I would piss off so many people with this post, I’d set the record for the number of comments I’d have to delete. I guess I was right. But I’m serious about this; no more derailing of conversations here into physiological or physics-related discussions about free will. This is a a blog about dating, relationships, and to a lesser degree, self-improvement.
I’m not censoring them because I disagree with them. I love when people disagree as long as they stay on-topic to this blog. If you love long-term monogamy for example, you can post about that all you like and I’ll debate the hell out of it. I’m censoring free will stuff because it’s too off-topic for the general subject matter of this blog, and it always throws the conversation in the comments way off-topic to the subject of the post, which damages the overall conversation. I would also censor people who keep coming on here and derailing topics because they want to talk about about geology, automotive repair, or astronomy. This is a dating/relationship blog. There are hundreds of different web sites out there where you can discuss the topic of free will to your heart’s content. Please go there, not here.
Correct, and I listed those exceptions to the rule in the post above.
What I said in the post is not motivational BS. It is real-world accurate:
1. Everything in your life is your fault.
2. Sometimes it’s hard to change, and this difficulty is not your fault.
3. There are rare and statistically unusual exceptions to the rule where things aren’t your fault.
The reason you get the comments about free will et al is because you speak strongly against societal programming, and the concept of free will is a part of that programming.
So is religion, and I would censor comments if people kept talking about Buddhism on here.
This is a blog that discusses the SP of (mostly) dating and relationships, not all SP in all areas of life.
I would suggest not writing all-encompassing books then, because if you’re going to approach a topic as big as happiness, you’re opening up the flood gates. An understanding of free will can certainly make a person more happy, allowing him to shrug off the bad things that happen to him and not place blame on others. Now obviously there are other ways to generate the same empathy, but getting into the free will discussion is not as far from the scope of your book (and, in turn, this blog) as you’re making it seem.
No, I just published the book about a month ago and this free will stuff has been a problem on this blog for at least two years. Go back and read the comments on older posts and you’ll see for yourself. We have spent a lot of time on this topic. I think we’re good.
I understand the need to moderate the comments, but deleting the comment from the self described psychologist was a disservice to this discussion. His/her comment was on topic and poignant. It was simply the antithesis to your article. You effectively censored a dissenting opinion. (1st Amendment doesn’t protect free speech on a private blog blah, blah..)
Article about how solar power works — comment retorting why it doesn’t = on topic.
Article about how it’s all your fault — comment retorting it isn’t = on topic.
His/her comment was on the topic of free will, and I already said free will is off-topic for this blog now.
To repeat myself one final time:
Here are the three points I’m making-
1. Everything in your life is your fault.
2. Sometimes itās hard to change, and this difficulty is not your fault.
3. There are rare and statistically unusual exceptions to the rule where things arenāt your fault, assuming you’re talking about grown adults in the Western world.
If you disagree with any of the three points above without making the discussion about free will on some microcellular or quantum physics level, then please let me know and we can discuss it / debate it all you like.
If the only objection you have to the three points above regards something about free will or determinism on some microcellular or quantum physics level, then I already agree with you and we do not need to discuss this topic any further. Refer back to the text in the big grey box in the above blog post for my opinion on this, which I think I laid out quite clearly. (And remember, I’m not disagreeing with you; I just don’t like topics constantly derailed on my blog. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand.)
If you’re just upset that you’re not allowed to discuss free will or determinism on this blog any more, I feel your pain, and I invite you to:
A. Go post on a blog or forum that is devoted to that topic and have all the fun you like.
or
B. Start your own blog and talk about free will or determinism all you like until you’re blue in the face. You can even name it The Blackdragon Is An Asshole Because He Won’t Let Us Talk About Free Will Blog. (Just be sure to link to this blog so I can get the SEO traffic if you do this. Thanks.)
This will be my last comment on this issue unless you guys can come up with something new (and not related to free will), which I doubt.
Hey BD, that reminds me: What’s up with the great Blackdragon Debate you’ve been advertising? How’s it coming? And when can we read it?
Hopefully by the end of the month! I had to push it back because of the Alpha 2.0 book but I’ve already picked the person to debate for the first debate. More on this soon.
I made up a concept called the “responsibilty ball” that I use as a mental tool to force me to remember why it’s important to take responsibility for shit.
Responsibility is a value-free concept that is like a basketball, in that it can be “passed” to other people, or kept in your own hands. You can pass it to others, but then they are the ones who can take the shot. If you keep the ball, you can take the shot.
Anytime someone “passes” responsibility to someone else, they’re giving someone else the power to take the shit. And they never will.
(slams head against wall) Most of the free will guys come across like whiny bitches anyways. Point in case, when you delete their comments with a fore warning they whine like little bitches after doing so anyways. I agree that their point has been beat to death here and is unrelated to the blog.
I would argue that the message you want here is the following: ‘it is your duty as a man to pick yourself up off the ground when you’re down and out, using that opportunity to promote change for the better.’ The “your fault” notion creates weird vibes, as demonstrated in some of the responses, and is thus not optimally effective for getting across the message you want to get across.
That’s very nice, but unfortunately that’s not the way human psychology works.
You are much less likely to take positive action to fix your problems and improve if you think that your problems are someone else’s fault (which they aren’t). I wish that wasn’t the case with people, but it is.
People can get upset that 2+2=4 all they like. That doesn’t mean 2+2=5. And more importantly, if you finally admit that 2+2 does indeed equal 4 (however grudgingly), it makes taking action to improve yourself much, much easier.
In many ways, admitting that you were the one who fucked up is harder than actually taking the actions necessary to fix your situation. The human ego can be a real bitch sometimes.
I think the problem some people have is that this rule really applies on a macro or long-term level.
So any INDIVIDUAL action may or may not be your fault, but your long-term situation is an amalgamation of decisions that you make, i.e. you can’t rely on blaming individual actions for your situation because the long-term involves so many of YOUR OWN decisions.
A real-life, personal example is my Grandad who had a knee replacement surgery. Needing the surgery wasn’t his fault, it was just the aging process. He can barely walk now. Some people will say “well it’s not my fault, it’s the knee surgery.” Realising it’s your fault is admitting that he should’ve done the physical therapy he was given and he’d be walking much better now. The original situation was out of his control, but his reaction to the situation was his own. Realising that it’s your fault is the same thing as realising you can’t change what happens to you but you can change how you react to it. By reacting to setbacks in a nothing I can do manner brings you to learned helplessness.
Maybe some boat analogy could be applied here.
If you’re the captain of a boat and have zero tech on you, you cannot predict when a storm will hit you, thus there’s probably little you can do.
But if you have some tech, maybe you can divert from your original course and avoid the worst part of it.
Now if you have the latest stuff, you’ll simply turn around or take other actions and could go by 100% unharmed.
Does that mean that if you are 100% prepared you’ll face no storms? Off course not. It could turn and hit you even if you did everything right cause nature is unpredictable. But being prepared makes you take the right actions if you ever have to face it.
It’s the sum of the most accurate prediction + right reaction that puts your boat through soft waters and on the right course.
POB and Zylya – Great examples.
The storm at sea isn’t your fault, but it’s 100% your fault you were in the boat in the first place. You didn’t have to be in that boat. Or at that current location at sea with that boat.
And as POB said, the effect the storm has on you is directly related to the choices you made (or didn’t make) about the boat.
Getting bad knees as you get older is an interesting one. I know several people who got very bad knees in their old age and pretty much 100% of them engaged in exercise throughout their lives that involved pounding on their knees (like running) and/or had calcium deficiencies because of their poor diet or not taking correct vitamins. Again, their fault.
I can’t think of any old person I’ve ever met who had a serious knee problem who was skinny, had a great diet and and vitamin regimen throughout their lives, and didn’t exercise regularly in ways hard on the knees. I’m sure people like those are out there, but now we’re talking about the exception to the rule again.
Someone posted a link to this article on my forum, and I was thrilled to death to read this and see that there are others out there who “get it”. I happen to be of the belief that EVERYTHING in your life is “your fault”, including the things you list as exceptions, but my reasons are outside the scope of this discussion.
Regardless… I was about 18 when I was introduced to the idea that my actions were always based on my choices, and my choices were always based on my beliefs, and my beliefs were always based on what I chose to accept as being true. Ultimately, understanding this has resulted in my whole life changing, because originally I was very much of a victim/helpless mentality and now I am my own leader. I have made myself and life what they are, and things are getting better every day. Including all the women who are coming after me now because I am the captain of my ship and they love it that I take responsibility for myself, even when I am not forced to.
Accepting full responsibility for oneself is the only way to go. Even if it’s not always pleasant, it results in a vastly stronger person and an infinitely better life.
One important way that people often overlook in taking responsibility for themselves in being honest, with themselves and others. And accepting the truth of the fact that “it’s all the result of your choices and actions” is the first step to being honest with yourself.
Absolutely correct.
It’s the only way to go…if you want to be happy. Some of the conflict in this topic is because there’s a percentage of guys out there who honestly don’t want to be happy, or at least view happiness as a less important goal to other things (like the Six Societal Values I discuss in my book).
I just subscribed to your blog. Then I just unsubscribed due to the deleted comments and all.
Sometimes our parents drop the ball and fail to teach us valuable lessons and prepare us for this life. In this case, we dont know where to improve until it’s too late and we have to learn from our repeated mistakes. Not really 100% our fault.
Have a good one.
Oh yeah. You need to make your site responsive.
If that’s the case, when you’re fresh out of childhood from your parents at age 18 or whatever, that first mistake you make due to incorrect parental information may not be your fault. True.
However, as an adult your results from doing repeated incorrect things or obvious incorrect things are absolutely your fault. I talk about in the book how my parents taught me some incorrect things about life, and it was up to me to find out the correct things, which I did, as quickly as I could. I loved my parents and still do, but I never assumed that the things that came out of their mouths was objectively correct.
On the flip side, I know people in their 30s and 40s who are still creating all kids of problems in their lives because they’re still going around doing all kinds of incorrect things using “the way I was raised” as an excuse. That’s not their parents’ fault, that’s their fault.
There are over 330 articles on this blog and so far this is literally the only one with deleted comments from multiple people like this. Go check if you don’t believe me. If reading the only article with some deleted comments out of 330 other articles is upsetting enough to you to actually unsubscribe, then yeah, I’m very glad you did so.
To anyone else reading, as I’ve said many times here, if this blog disturbs you, offends you, or enrages you, please, for the love of god, do us both a favor, unsubscribe immediately, and stop reading here. This is not a blog for thin-skinned or easily offended people. Quite the opposite.
This is such an awesome post, you are so right about what you said. It truly is our fault for a lot of the things we deal with in life. I enjoyed reading your perspective. This definitely gives me a new insight.
Comment deleted. The topics of free will, determinism, and nihilism are now officially off-topic for this blog.
I like your article and it makes me think. Now here is a counterthesis.
How about maybe people who continuously win at life have a strong psychological benefit by attributing results to personal decisions. It helps us deal with fear. We can feel in control despite watching other people get hit hard by chance left and right.
Victim mentality propapbly has some advantages too. I dont see them clearly right now. But otherwise it wouldnt have survived evolutionarily.
My take on people has become to trust, that whatever people regularly do, must have some evolutionary benefit. No matter how counterintuitive it may seem on the surface. I find it dangerous to completely dismiss some types of behaviour completely, because your situation in life might change and then your own adopting would become quite tough or almost impossible.
Maybe its a bit like with Boxchampions who believe they are invinceble, untill they lose hard the first time. Becoming a Champion is possibly easier, when you really believe you will always win. Recovering from a loss though, will need a complete 180 in mindset then, which might end your career. So its a bit of a gamble.
Cheers, keep up the good work. Your giving value to the world and I feel the world will give back to you one way or another. You definately create some sort of legecy here.
Victim mentality has HUGE advantages. It takes all responsibility away from you, so you can “relax” and point your finger at someone else. If it’s “not my fault” that weight is lifted off my shoulders. The problem is I’ll never be happy, but at least victim mentality is “easier.”
I don’t agree with your theory completely, but even if you’re right, evolutionarily it indeed could have survived since human beings have always been highly communal in nature. I’m sure even back when we were living in huts there were a few depressed “victims” pointing at everyone else declaring that they were the cause of all their problems.
I used to live in a permanent victimhood mentality until my early 20’s. Then I decided that yes, the reason I was so unhappy most of the time was completely my fault, not my parents, not circumstance, not society, it was all me. So I tore myself a new one everyday, I struggled through college, I went to the gym for a year and took martial arts lessons for a couple more. I graduated, got a job, then quit to get a graduate degree, try to get ahead. Moved to another city. And throgh it all I felt even more miserable than before.
Now I got more training. So much so that I’m overqualified for most available jobs. I earn less than I did back home. I miss my friends and my family, and I’m so deep in student debt and other liabilities I can’t afford to go back.
I guess what I take from this experience is: It’s all bullshit. The victim complex and the alpha macho one-man success story are both bullshit, in different ways. Because as soon as I stopped laying blame altogether, not just on other people but on myself, I stopped feeling so shitty, which was all I wanted in the first place. Pain is a fact of life, suffering however is optional, and blaming myself for every single bad thing in my life did nothing but make me hate myself and try to be something I’m not, which was exhausting and unfulfilling.
So I guess what I’m saying is: Screw success. Success is incidental. Peace on the other hand IS entirely about self-reflection, acceptance and goodwill. I think you’re giving out poison in te earnest belief that its medicine, just my two cents.
Well said, and you’re right.
I’m one of those who has come to realize that there is ultimately no free will – because we are the aggregation of whatever conditioning (good or bad) we currently have (ego), if there is even any “you” to be at fault, in the grand scheme of things.
But hell…it sure is fun to play the game as if we do have free will. It sure is a fun illusion, more fun than the victim one. š
I agree with the commenter above about taking the blame of off everyone including ourselves. And no it isn’t from a victim standpoint. It goes beyond a victim/owner duality. Because both are made up. I think it is where true psychological freedom lives, regardless of the circumstances we end up in, in or out of our control.
Great article! One of the best and most applicable principles to sky rocket your success.I first adopted this mind-set years ago and have made dynamic changes in my life in every aspect.
The latent problem emerged when I started preaching it on my blog.
Here it is-When you tell a person to be responsible for everything that happens in their lives and they CAN fix it,more often than not,they end up blaming themselves horribly for everything bad that happens to them.If a person is suffering from an issue of Low-Self esteem,he will spiral down into more negativity about himself and worsen his condition.
Entertain this dialogue:
Person with low self-esteem: You know,I’m terrible with women…
Me: You are the one to blame it.You can change it if you want.
Person With low self-esteem: Me? Yeah…I’m definetely responsible for it.I look like a pig,my hair is thinking and I don’t have a strong jaw…there is no way a woman would ever want me.Iam doomed!
_____
You see?
Thus I decided to categorise this,”I’m responsible” mentality into two categories-“Degenerative” and “Constructive”.
Degenerative ‘Iam responsible’ is when you take responsibility for something undesirable in your life BUT that’s it.You don’t take steps to improve it.You make it so horrible that it sounds insurmountable.
It is ‘Constructive’ when you hold yourself responsible for something that you don’t like about your life,but you don’t blow it out of proportion and begin to take steps to improve it.
I’m still fleshing out the concept but it was something that I think needed to be cleared up.
Stay Sane!
That’s not taking responsibility. In fact, that’s even worse, its nigh narcissism which could lead to possible martyrdom. This is the MO of most MGTOW and autists (high functioning ones) actually. There’s one guy in particular named Christian Weston Chandler (aka Chris Chan) who is pretty much an embodiment of this “degenerative” responsibility that you are talking about. If you look him up on youtube you will see what I mean. He blames everyone including himself for his lack of success.
I used to think this way too, in my teens and some of my 20s. I would go “I can’t get chicks cuz I’m too lazy and they are too picky.” So I blamed my datelessness (which really could have been solved if I wasn’t lazy lol) on traits that I used as a coping mechanism myself (laziness), and something (usually a ridiculous blank statement) to rationalize the same coping mechanism (chicks being picky).
To me, taking responsibility = Addressing things you think need to be improved (not according to others but yourself) and then doing stuff to make it better. There’s no “blame” when someone takes responsibility. I find that nowadays I don’t blame anything that happens to me on anyone. If it happenedĀ FOR me, I’ll happily accept it. If it happened TO me, then I’ll address it if necessary. That’s really all it is, simple really.
I agree. But %90.
I am bald at 24. It started at 18. So how this thing is my fault?
No, it is not about vitamins. It is about genetics. Just like my uncle.
Allow me to repeat this entire paragraph from this article you seem to have missed:
There are unusual exceptions to every rule. But as always, the exceptions prove the rule. The fact you have to point to children dying of cancer to prove your point shows how weak your point is. How many kids do you personally know who have died of cancer? See my point? Yes, it happens, but itās so damn rare that it falls well into the 2% Rule.
How many people do you know who started going bald at ageĀ 18?Ā There you go.
Moreover, how you react to this problem is your fault. Check out my article on baldness here.
Blackdragon
I do my best to take control over my life but I hate societal expectations of black people. As much as I tried to work hard in school and jobs, I feel like getting the glass ceiling because black people have made things worse for people for genuine ones want to be successful. People tell me companies will not hire me despite if I have good credentials. Being born black was not my fault. I am often try to avoid the negative stereotypes of black men( never do well gangsters and thugs) because I want a better life. I do my best to avoid drugs, join gangs, getting girls(especially the black girls) pregnant, study, work, follow the societal laws/rules to the best of my ability, and attempt to make friendships with the right people. I feel like I am not getting the high paying jobs, friends, and relationships because black men are treated like dirt in this society. It does not help that there are multiple police on black shootings, black incarceration, perpetual poverty. What do I do, just give in to the stereotypes and forget the haters, continue to struggle to make a good life for myself and not blame racist American society for my lack of success at the moment.
So I came across this post as I was referred to it by a very dear friend, boss, business owner and mentor – all one in the same. And to which I GREATLY APPRECIATE the fact that he’d referred me to this blog post as I AGREE with it 100 percent!!!
Understanding that I WAS that person ‘once upon a time,’ blaming ALL my ‘issues’ on others and the environment around me like I had NO control.
I’ve since learned that B/S is a fallacy and we are ‘conditioned’ from childhood to ‘put’ the blame on others which is NOT REALITY!!!!
I’m GLAD I FINALLY came to my senses and became AWARE & NOW TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my OWN actions!!!
I APPRECIATE THE BLOG POST & HOPEFULLY OTHER’S ALSO BECOME AWARE THEY ARE THE CREATOR OF THEIR REALITY. WHETHER GOOD OR BAD PERIOD ?
This doesn’t apply if you have underlying physical conditions or skeletal insufficiencies that cannot be fixed by modern surgery.
So no, everything is not my fault. It is not my fault I have recessed bone growth in crucial areas of my face. It is not my fault that orthodontic surgery has not advanced to a level where this can be fixed without turning me into a vegetable.
It really, really isn’t. Because if it would be, I’d have had it fixed by now.
ever since i embarked in my self help journey, this is 1 of the few things i picked up early on, which drastically changed how i view life in general (my own, but also people around me), but at the same time led me to lots of depressions.
not sure how to explain this, but i guess, that once you’re still in a state of ‘my problems are not my fault’, you just accept them, thinking you cannot do dick about it.
becoming aware that everything is your fault is a huge step in the right direction, BUT if you notice things don’t change, things don’t get better, AND you are very aware that it’s your fault, you’ll automatically feel like the biggest idiot and looser. at least that was always the case with me.
just to clarify, those that are getting this information now, this should hopefully really be mind-opening and give you a feeling of empowerment, if you’re in a shitty place right now. because now the feeling is (or should be) ‘ok, i can actually change things’. but if in 2 years you are still in the same shitty place the feeling will be ‘i’m still here, and i absolutely know it’s my fault’ – which happened to, at least, and this still today constantly fucks me up!
not sure why this is, not sure why in so many aspects i was never able to take long term action / commit to something, and not sure what i need to do to really change shit, but regardless.. just my 2 cents
hi BD
first of all i shuld thanks you for your very good blog.
I’m here for last two months and I am reading entire your blog and offering this to my friends too.
I’m now so curious about your getfastsex and openrelationship books.
im 23 and i need this contents.
but I’m from Iran :'(
I can not pay online to have those books. it’s illegal for both of us.
I’m web designer and I can pay for those books by some services if you want. or any way I can get those books?
thanks again