first date advice, first online date, online dating advice, meaning of an open relationship, alpha male traits

This is one of the rare times I will actually endorse and recommend mainstream relationship advice from the Societal Programming world of The Prison. Usually such advice is based around blue pill concepts such as betaization, male submissiveness, “compromise” (the SP code word for tolerating unacceptable drama and problems), scarcity, political correctness, and Disney.

However the five love languages actually do reflect real human behavior, at least in my experience and the experience of those I’ve talked to about it. If you’re aware of this concept, it will help you in your serious relationships (OLTR or high end MLTR) and your more casual relationships (FBs low end MLTRs).

The concept was developed by Dr. Gary D. Chapman, who has written several books on the subject. I don’t actually recommend the books (I have not read them), since the concept is very simple, and you’ll completely understand it by the end of this article.

The idea that by default we “love” (love as in the verb, meaning to show affection, not the noun) others in our lives by the way we want to be loved, not by the way our partner(s) want to be loved. Everyone is different in terms of how he wants to give and receive affection.

Since on certain levels opposites do attract, it’s not only possible, but overwhelmingly likely that you will find a serious partner who prefers different ways to love than you do. If you’re lucky there might be similarities, but even then it won’t be exactly the same.

The five “love languages” are the five ways in which people like to give and receive affection. Here they are in no particular order:

Physical Touch – This means you like to touch a woman nonsexually and be touched by her. Touching, hugging, holding, cuddling, playful groping, touching hair, caressing, etc.

Acts of Service – This means you like to do little favors for your partner(s). An example is to make her coffee in the morning while she’s still asleep, or a woman you’re dating who likes to clean your house without being asked.

Quality Time – This means spending time together in an involved way, usually talking. Watching TV or a movie together would not count, but going hiking together or talking to each other on the couch for an extended time would apply.

Gifts – This means you like to buy gifts for people, and love to receive gifts from others, even if they’re small and/or cheap.

Words of Affirmation – This means you like to give and receive verbal compliments.

So far so good, but here’s where things get tricky. You have a hierarchy of the above five items. You have a strong favorite, a reasonably strong second favorite, one or two you sort of like, and one or two you don’t like at all.

To use myself as an example, my hierarchy is this:

1. Physical Touch

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Words of Affirmation

5. Gifts

I’m an extremely physical man, so physical touch is huge for me, and I’m constantly grabbing, squeezing, and crushing (nicely) a woman I’m with. Quality time is also extremely pleasant for me, and my favorite “dates” are literally me and woman talking on my couch or in my bed for a long time (preferably right after sex). (This keeps my dating costs low too).

Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation are nice I guess, but I don’t really need them and couldn’t care less.

I utterly dislike Gifts. I hate buying them for people and I hate receiving them. Don’t buy me anything Darling, I already own everything I want, just get over here so I can grab your ass.

But that’s me. You are likely going to be very different in your hierarchy, and the women you date will also be different.

It gets worse. Even if you both have Physical Touch (for example) as your number one or two, her “style” of touch may be very different than yours. Maybe you’re a barbarian like me and love to grab, crush, squeeze, and hold, but perhaps she likes to be lightly caressed with her fingertips. This is going to cause some weirdness unless you’re both aware of this difference.

Here are a few examples of how these differences have affected me in my past.

Decades ago I lost my virginity to a much older woman whose number one was Words of Affirmation, and number two was Physical Touch. However her physical touch was the light and gentle kind. I was always holding her tight and grabbing her, and she liked that somewhat, but she was also constantly telling me to touch her gently and lightly, both during sex and outside of sex. Being a beta and near-virgin, I wanted to make her happy, so I tried, but damn, it was extremely difficult for me.

We would also get into huge arguments (again, I was a young beta male at the time) because I virtually never said nice things to her. Words of Affirmation was her number one, but it’s my number three, thus not something I really think about.

Several years later I was married (to another woman). Physical Touch was literally at the very bottom for her, number five. She liked sex, but outside of sex, when I held her or grabbed her, it did nothing for her. She would just stand there, arms limp, and look at me funny. At the time, I thought she was being cold. I was wrong; we just had a very severe difference in our love language styles.

Acts of Service was her number one, and Quality Time was her number two. So we had the Quality Time thing down, but the Acts of Service thing (my number three) was a slight challenge sometimes as well.

Many years later, when I had the woman who later became an OLTR, her number one was Physical Touch, just like me. She was also physically tiny and a Submissive, so she loved to be grabbed, crushed, and thrown around. We were a perfect match in our number ones, and this was one of the reasons she was my longest consistent relationship of my life outside of my marriage. Words of Affirmation was her number two, which was a slight problem, but Quality Time was her number three, which again matched me very well.

Once I was seeing another MLTR who was constantly bringing over the little gifts for me. I had no idea what she was doing (I hate gifts and never asked for them) until I remembered the five love languages. So every once and a while, not often, but every now and again I would give her something cute and girly that I picked up at my grocery store. These things were almost always under $5, but when I would give them to her, her entire face would light up like a Christmas tree and she’d be happy all day.

It was alien, weird-ass behavior to me, but Gifts was her number one. Of course, since she was an MLTR, I had to take it easy on the gifts to not get into boyfriend-zone, but because gifts were number one, I pushed the envelope a little bit more than normal, and it worked. (I just made sure to not do it all the time and keep the gifts obviously cheap.)

You should do three things:

1. Identify your hierarchy. Rate the five items above in terms of what you like best or dislike. You may never have been aware of it until you read the five love languages above. Knowing your own hierarchy is extremely useful. It really helped me.

2. Identify the hierarchy of all the women in your life. If she’s a very low-end FB, then it probably won’t matter, but you could do this for a long-term FB and certainly do this for an MLTRs or an OLTR you have.

If you know her well enough, you probably already know. If you don’t know for sure, just show her the above list and ask her to rank the items. The answer you’ll get from her will actually be pretty accurate (at least in my experience).

3. Be aware of the differences between her hierarchy and yours. This means if you value a long-term, low-drama relationship, you should do things with her, at least occasionally, that match her number one and two items even if they don’t match yours. However! This is a two-way street here. This also means that she needs to satisfy your one and two even if they aren’t her one and two.

If she’s not willing to do this, you know what to do: next her or downgrade her to FB and go find some other women who are more compatible with you (or at least more flexible).

This is an effective system once you get the hang of it. I wish more mainstream relationship advice was reliable.

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14 Comments on “The Five Love Languages

  1. That’d be about the first time I’ve heard positive reviews of that book in the manosphere. I’ve never had a personal problem with it. It is another tool with which to manage your relationships.

  2. Hmmm interesting list. It tells a lot about the person.

    For example – my list:

    1. Physical Touch – #1 for every male and most females in the SMV 7-9 group by default.

    2. Quality Time – close second and perhaps sometimes even #1 in LTR (as in 20+ years)


    This was the easy part, now lets take a look at the others.

    3. Words of Affirmation

    4. Gifts

    These two are a sign of weakness in every male. He who has to buy love with gifts or needs other to tell him how good he is has weakness inside of him. Weakness of beeing not good enough.  Weak men are bad leaders and certainly not alpha material.

    For a WOMAN it is less bad. She knows her man has options and wants to bribe him to stay with her. Weakness is a female trait after all.


    Now the last item on the list:

    5. Acts of Service

    When 3/4 are bad, this one is clearly worse. The king is not a servant. The king expects others to serve him. A male who LOVES when he can serve is not a man.

    On the other hand, for a woman this is kinda nice for a FB/low end MLTR. She is of course not good enough to be a queen but as 2nd or 3rd MLTR or modern harem with or without children this could  work.

  3. BD

    I did read this book a year or so ago myself and did find it pretty accurate.  MOst of the book if fluff and feel good nonsense(I believe the author is very religious too which can color their writing style).  However the main message about the 5 are correct.  My ex and I discovered we were very different in the languages which caused alot of problems(I’m physical touch/words of affirmation/acts of service and her #1 was quality time…at least neither of us gave a shit about gifts).  Definitely worth identifying these when you deem a woman MLTR material wouldn’t you say?

  4. Kings who ran kingdoms in the old days showed their love using the love languages eg spending time in festivals with the people

    You can be in charge and still appreciate this under you

  5. Long-time female lurker passing through…

    My hierarchy:

    #1 Physical Touch
    If our hands aren’t all over each other, what is the point? I am indifferent to the
    quality of the touch–gentle or rough. I am a small gal so that might be why. I like being picked up and thrown around like a toy and be stroked and handled like a precious thing.

    #2 Acts of Service

    #3 Quality Time
    But 2 and 3 can flip flop depending on the person I am with. If they like to talk then we’ll do a lot of it.
    If they rather spend time doing less talky and more cerebral/physical things–OK. But if they are not big on quality time, I will do more acts of service.

    #4 Words of Affirmation
    I can take it or leave it. You are here with me. You are touching me. That is enough.

    #5 Gifts
    I was always bad at receiving gifts, and I don’t understand why I should give them. I rather do an act of service to show I care.

  6. I bought one of those books to try to save my marriage. It didn’t work.

    It’s a good reminder of how the golden rule got it wrong though. Don’t treat others the way you want to be treated. Treat them the way they want to be treated.

  7. Off topic: Your values remind me of Xsplat:

    You two seem to be the happiest and most mature writers in our corner of the web.  Lots of things in common: happiness as a priority, non-monogamy, no drinking, 40+, getting the most out of life, honesty about one’s situation.  He seems to be living quite well in Indonesia.  You might have a close friend out there you’ve never met yet.

  8. Found out about the 5 love languages when my monogamous relationship was falling apart back in December. I think it might better to tier them instead of 1-5 ranking because for some, 1 and 2 may be only be a 1% difference. Mine are:

    Need: Touch and Time
    Nice: Affirmation and Service
    No: Gifts

    IMO, why would I touch or spend time with a person I dont enjoy being around. Affirmation is nice, but I’m confident (or dont care) enough that I dont need it. Service is nice, but more of an attention to detail thing. Gifts are wtf to me. I’m content with my possessions and gifts always seem to take a lot of mental energy for me to think of one. I dislike gifts so much that I declined a $300 jacket (even though it’s really really good looking on me), while I havent gotten anything for her at all based on my own beliefs.

    My impression of her seemed like she needed or wanted all 5. Like she’d get upset if I didnt say words of affirmation or provided service or gave gifts.

    Owell, females arent rational by men’s standards. Just gotta compromise and go with the flow or find someone else that’s more compatible.


  9. 3. Words of Affirmation

    4. Gifts

    These two are a sign of weakness in every male.

    Yeah, as I implied in the article, an Alpha (or man wanting to be more Alpha) is going to have very, very careful if his natural primary love languages (or hers) are Words, Gifts, or Acts. I’m not saying never do it, I’m saying be very careful and don’t go overboard. My example in the article is a good one; gifts, but not expensive and not regularly.

  10. Hey BD

    Rereading your first paragraph in this post, I would like to know what you think about Dr Robert Glover’s “All the way in” program.



  11. BD, out of curiosity,what is Pink Firefly Love Language?

    And if a guy love language is 90% Physical Touch,and for the girl he dates physical touch is her 3 or 4 language,will he turn her off,by appearing needy/touchy felly?

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