Text Game Part 5 – Texting During Relationships
Many years ago, I had an ongoing series at this blog on text game. These were some of the most popular posts at the time, and I was able to write four installments before I stopped writing about that particular topic for whatever reason. Lately, one of the guys at the Alpha 2.0 Community requested that I write about texting while in a relationship, since many guys believe that texting during the pickup and dating phases is actually somewhat easier than after you’re in an ongoing relationship with someone.
Since I’m here to please, today, long overdue, is my next installment in my text game series. I’ll be going over exactly how you should text, and not text, during a FB, MLTR or OLTR relationship. (If you’re curious about how to text in a monogamous relationship, you’re going to have to look elsewhere for advice. I don’t advise men in monogamous relationships because you’re guaranteed problems and drama no matter what you do.)
If you’re curious about my older text game articles for the pickup/dating phases, they’re here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. Just remember that these articles are five and six years old and my writing skills were not as good back then as they are today. (I also had a much smaller audience back then.)
General Relationship Texting Rules
One of the key nonmonogamous relationship rules is that in addition to seeing her only once a week (FB’s and MLTR’s that is; this does not apply to OLTR), you must also keep the contact when you’re not seeing her to a minimum. Here are the three basic rules you should always follow:
1. Voice and text contact should be at a bare minimum.
Having a conversation (via texting, voice calls, whatever) with a woman literally every day is a quintessential beta male boyfriend behavior that is guaranteed to cause betaization, drama, and demands, at least eventually. You cannot do this. Having contact every other day is also not a good idea. Once or twice a week is best. (Note: OLTR’s can be slightly different. More on this below.)
2. She should contact you more than you contact her.
This should be obvious. If you’re contacting her more than she’s contacting you, that’s needy beta behavior that will start driving attraction downward. The entire frame of a relationship should be that you’re a very busy guy with a very full life, and you don’t have time to contact her a lot. Hopefully, this is actually true (it’s certainly true in my case). Contacting her more than she contacts you demonstrates the exact opposite; that you’re a needy, boring guy with not a lot going on. Is that attractive? Nope.
3, You should only contact her for very specific reasons.
The only time I ever contact a woman (with unusual exceptions of course) is when I want to schedule the next meet. It’s extremely rare that I will text a FB or MLTR for any other reason.
Regularly sending texts to a woman that don’t have specific reasons, such as “how’s it going?” or “what’s up?” or “thinking about you” or telling jokes or bitching about your day (like a girl) are extremely weak. You must avoid these whenever you can. Whenever you text an FB, MLTR, and in many cases, an OLTR, stop yourself and ask yourself what the specific purpose of the text is. If there isn’t one, if it’s “just to talk” or because you’re needy or bored, stop yourself and don’t send the damn thing.
Seriously, you want women to actually complain a little that you either “never text them” or that you “only text them when you want to hang out.” If you’re getting these kinds of complaints, that’s a signal that you’re doing this correctly. (Of course, we don’t want full-on drama either. That’s why you need to follow all the other rules, like making her cum every time you have sex, never giving her drama, never telling her what to do, instantly soft next her if she’s ever a bitch, etc.)
Texting with FB’s
With FB’s, you need to follow all the above rules to the letter. You never have any conversations with them more than once or twice a week, and you should only initiate contact with them when you want to schedule the next meet. You should never initiate contact for any other reason.
This does not mean that you’re not nice. As I’ve said many times, the “F” in “FB” stands for friend. Treat her like your friend, because that’s what she is. This means you don’t have to send her a text out of the blue that says, “Let’s meet up Tuesday night.” (Although you can and I have.) It’s okay to send her a “Hey, what’s up?” text, get a response, and then set up your next meet.
It’s also perfectly acceptable to have brief back-and-forth conversations via texting with FB’s, again provided you’re following all the above rules. Be nice, be friendly, be brief, and move on. Do not have a long, drawn out conversation over texts (or the phone) with any FB.
Texting with MLTR’s
All the above rules apply with MLTR’s, just like FB’s. The difference is that there’s no time limit on how long a text conversation can be. If you want to have a longer conversion over texts, go for it (provided she contacted you, or that you contacted her for a very specific reason, like scheduling the next meet).
Daily conversations are still not allowed, and this can be a problem if you encounter a woman who is all too familiar with monogamous beta boyfriends who contact them every day. Since most men are needy betas, many women are accustomed to contacting the guy they’re dating every single friggin’ day. Not good. You need to train her out of this. Here’s how you do it.
If she’s texting you literally every day, start ignoring her texts every other day. So on Monday she texts you, and you don’t respond. She might send a few more texts that day. Don’t respond. Tuesday she texts you again. This time, respond to it as if nothing happened. If she asks why you didn’t respond yesterday, blow it off or tell her you were busy (but only if it was true; don’t lie to women).
If she texts you on Wednesday, ignore her texts again. If she texts you on Thursday, answer them. Rinse and repeat.
Women are not stupid and are very adaptable. Trust me, she’ll get the point, and soon she’ll start texting you “only” every other day. Then start ignoring her text every first and second day. Soon, she’ll just be texting you about twice a week, which is just about right.
What if she gets upset and gives you drama about this? In my experience, this is very rare, but if it happens, you know what to do: instant soft next!
Texting with an OLTR
Technically, just like how the once-a-week rule goes away when you upgrade a woman to OLTR, the rule about twice a week contact also goes away. However, being in contact with a woman every day is still not a good idea. It’s still likely to cause betaization and drama down the road. While it’s technically allowed, if you’re actually having conversations with your OLTR every single day, your frame better be 100% perfect, rock-solid, Alpha Male 2.0 with no mistakes anywhere else in the relationship. I upgraded Pink Firefly to OLTR about a year ago, and while we talk/text more than twice a week, we still don’t talk every day
Beyond that, there are no hard and fast rules for texting with an OLTR. She’s your girlfriend, so long conversations are just fine and contacting her a little more often than once a week is probably okay. Just remember that OLTR management is all about frame control. If you start getting beta (needy, oneitisy, lonely) or Alpha Male 1.0 (dramatic, demanding, controlling, jealous) or lazy (de facto monogamy), then you need to slap yourself in the face, hard, and snap out of it fast… huge problems are on their way if you start to lose that outcome independent, Alpha 2.0 frame even a little bit. Doing boyfriend/husband things, even if you really are a boyfriend (OLTR) or husband (OLTR Marriage) can be very dangerous to long-term attraction and drama levels. They make it too easy to get lazy and/or start breaking rules. This is why, at least in my strong opinion, OLTR‘s are only for older, more experienced Alphas, those who “get it” and never lose their frame.
That’s it on texting in relationships. If this is a popular enough topic, I’ll follow up with more text game posts, both for relationships and pickup/dating.
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Hi Blackdragon, first off thanks for everything man. I have been reading your blog for almost 2 years now and I have implemented a lot of your stuff from your books. My question is about contacting MLTRS. What if she calls you everyday instead of texting, do you still ignore her calls like you do for texting?
Great reminder. Got dumped during some drama via text after about 5-6 months. Thought I could make some exceptions. Boy was I wrong.
Does this vary at all for good-looking younger guys?
I seem to be getting myself into trouble lately, being labelled a “fuck-boy” once or twice.
I couldnt care less about the provider-hunters who next me, but when the nice, freedom-loving women do after 2 or 3 months, it’s a problem.
I’ve mentioned it before but I rarely get women who follow rule #2. Like, it almost never happens despite making them cum, etc. The majority of the time it’s me reaching out to them to setup the next meeting. Is that actually a problem, or are you mentioning it because most guys will reach out to a chick and then not setup a meeting/not have a specific purpose? I don’t see any problems myself, and I don’t really see a “Free Wednesday night?” Text once a week as beta.
I never text just to chat, though I may occasionally(rarely) send photos of something I’m doing (hey, I’m out skiing and look at the great view!) then I schedule the next meeting, of course.
Yep. Phone calls are even worse than texting.
No. Women initiate betaization on men of all ages and all levels of attractiveness.
Once you’re in an ongoing relationship with a woman and you’re having sex regularly, your appearance is no longer a factor; that goes for if it’s bad or good.
Yep, your player/PUA vibe is too high; a common problem with young, good-looking guys. Read this.
Correct. If you’re contacting her more than she’s contacting you BUT the ONLY time you contact her is to set up the next meet, then you’re okay. (This is usually not the case with most men.)
@Alex
I’d think no. Most men text too much–young old good looking or no. Don’t worry about being called a “fuckboy.” They’re more likely still attracted to you despite themselves. They’ll be back…if you follow BD’s advice!
Excellent Post, as texting rarely prolongs NRE. Overtexting reduces her attraction due to familiarity and you run out of topics to sustain a meaningful discourse anyways. However, there are those type of women who would call you and scold you once you ignore their texts. What steps should one take? secondly, I recently met a 19 year old woman, beautiful. She likes texting alot, but keeps postponing dates. I have not gone on a first date and it is already a month. When I ignore her she complaints, but she flakes each time I set up a real date. I am sick tired of this kind of behavior -TEXTATIONSHIP. I still want to bang her though
She sounds like a waste of time, Alan.
BD,
Very timely articles…read them all..
Thank You,
Chavel
Awesome post, thank you for this BD! Things definitely make more sense now, but I still have some open questions about this (for MLTR relationships):
1) What if something major happens in her life, like her parents getting divorced (happened to me recently) and she wants to talk about it? Do you put it off and let her wait til your next meet or do you engage in a text or phone conversation in this case? Do you still wait a day or two to respond to texts or phone calls?
2) Purposely waiting a full day to reply to a simple text from a MLTRÂ likely comes across as playing games, especially since I didn’t establish this frame early on in the EFA (I didn’t know your stuff when I first met my current MLTR). I usually wait a few hours to text her back depending on what’s going on that day. Isn’t it incongruent to switch this “habit” all of a sudden?
3) Isn’t it a bit weird to mostly ignore texts from women for a day or two, but responding to texts from friends and family members? Or is it somthing you’ll get used to if you adopt the right mindset for texting? Since I’m guessing these rules do not apply to friends and family members..
4)Â Is it okay to send a few long texts back-and-forth at the same day (provided she invests as much, preferably more into the conversation)?
5) Is it okay to send an FB or MLTR a “Good Luck” text on certain occasions (exams etc)? And what about birthday wishes?
Correction, texting never prolongs NRE.
NRE is prolonged by less contact, not more.
The first time it happens, just ignore it and blow it off.
If it keeps happening, soft next!
https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
Talk about it during your next real-life meet, not over texts.
Read item #32 here.
It doesn’t matter how long you wait to respond, daily communication is still bad.
Sure, if you’ve been doing something wrong for weeks on end and then suddenly switch to doing it correctly, of course it’s going to be incongruent. Lesson learned, and you won’t ever do that again with all other future women.
No. And she won’t know you’re doing this.
And for the record, I wait a very long time to respond to texts from everyone, friends and family members included. People in the modern era text too much and I’m too busy to be bothered.
You get used to everything. And no, these rules don’t apply to friends and family members, though minimizing all text communication is good time management in my view.
If it’s only one day a week or so or less, sure. If it’s any more than that, no!
No!
FB‘s, no! MLTR‘s usually not, but there can be exceptions.
See, that’s the key. You don’t respond to ANYONE quickly on text. For those of us who don’t, these rules are easy. In fact I have never in my life purposely or deliberately waited or not responded to a text. I just have too many other more interesting things taking my attention.
I have two male friends who likewise text me back whenever they feel like it, which might be days later. It’s the same. We mostly text each other articles and things like that. Also my mom and sister are like that.
But other than that every single other person I know, whether family or female friends or male friends or my boyfriend, text me back immediately like within 5 minutes. I actually think it’s insane. It’s like they are trained animals who can’t help but immediately respond to a cue on their phone like a circus animal. Some people even wear watches just to get their notifications even quicker because GOD FORBID they might actually see a notification a few minutes or hours later when they choose to look at their phone. Honestly, the way people feel either the desire or the need to respond immediately drives me insane. I usually just save up all that stuff til later at night when I’m relaxed and done with everything else and that’s the only time I ever text anyone.
I think guys should stop thinking they can make a girl like them by texting, because they can’t. Though they certainly might turn one off by responding instantly every time she texts like some kind of programmed robot or trained animal who has nothing else going on, ever. If something is really, really, immediately important, people will call. Otherwise it can wait. But yeah, game playing is always obvious so stopping the instant responses should be because you truly are more absorbed in something else interesting and I don’t understand why people have a hard time with that when there are a billion interesting things to read/watch/do nowadays.
BTW BD…you are not in contact with PF every day but you two are moving in together?? Is that right? That seems kinda crazy… I mean, do whatever you want but isn’t that a rather large leap to make, from not even texting every day to having to see each other every day?
Well crap,
This may not be the right time to ask and isn’t exactly completely relevant to the topic but I’ll say it anyway. I have ventured out into the online dating world and don’t feel completely confident in my openers. I know better than to just “wink”
So I like to say a little something. At least
“Hello, hope you’re having a great week”
Any advice would be a huge help.
I’m sure there are just the right words that make it almost impossible for a woman to not reply.. maybe an interesting question, or even a sarcastic remark??
Thanks men,
Troy
To sum up this article:
Less texting, more dating/ meet up
(but not too much, because you have better things to do).
If there is anything big/serious to talk about, do it during the date or in bed, but never on the phone.
No such thing, but BD is going to recommend you buy his book on online dating. Based on your question, I think you should as well. It’ll help you a ton.
I think it also depends on whether you “grew up” with texting. Â When I first started using it, it was regarded as “higher priority than email, but lower than phone call”. Â I also got audio notifications from my phone every time a text message arrived (not so for email). Â But I started noticing that people were sending “chatty” texts, so I switched off the notifications. Â I’ll look at my phone every once in a while (when I’m not focused on anything more important) and will decide whether a message needs a prompt reply.
For my kids, it’s different.  They never use email at all, and all communication is via text.
Thank You BD. But I was just reiterating the fact that keeping text messaging at the minimal (rare texts) is what prolongs NRE as opposed to texting frequently.
Thanks for your reference on how to get over ONEITIS and the fallacy of There is this One girl. No single woman ISÂ special, ofcourse many women out there CAN be special.
I now concur with you that there is no woman who is Not Like the Rest, No single/particular woman out there who was MEANT for me, and that the power to transform a woman still lies on my hands.
Any action that compels my mind to thinking just because a woman is the hottest I have met will create oneitis, neediness, and the naivity of thinking that this woman cannot be bored, cheat, or leave and hence I should enter into a monogamous relationship with her.
All women should be treated equally before one decides who among them qualifies for the OLTR.
Two concepts of “beta” are mingled.
1) A submissive, pliant character (0% me. This is, I think, betaization proper)
2) A character that has high emotional appetite (100% me. This is, I think, oneitis proper)
Anything that is needed to “keep the frame”, not letting attraction go downhill, and so on is hateful work to me (= posing as the opposite of what I am).
The only viable solution I have found is… to date 3 or 4 women at once. This way, I can (kinda) talk as much as I want every day, and have my voracious emotional needs (kinda) sated.
Unluckily, those are the main selling points of a relationship to me. I mean, what’s better than having someone to bitch about my day and the world, and ask “what’s up”, and telling jokes. That’s where the pleasure is :))…
Setting this aside, BD, your advice is tremendous help to the untried and young. You have a streamlined, flawless attraction-maximization and drama-avoiding strategy laid out there.
P.S.: Even when/if you are seeing nobody else, make her think/know that you are, while stressing that it will be totally fine if she sees others as well. It’s an attraction booster like no other (and it minimizes the chances she’ll want to see others, by the way).
Hello, hope you’re having a great week is a limp opened bound to be noneffective more often than not. It’ll get you a non-enthusiastic reply only from someone who really likes your profile.
Good openers are openers that increase your chances of getting the woman interested relative to the chances you have from her mere viewing your profile.
Sarcastic openers are good for Alpha 1.0’s who like to cross (s)words since inception (it will cast off most women but get a few very interested). I’d go for good humour and/or interesting question, possibly based on something in their profile.
Intelligent women can like something random such as “there’s so many clouds in the sky today”. (This sort of messages will scare away less intelligent women even if they liked your pictures, though. Use with wisdom.)
A naked “hi”/”hello” is still better than Hello, hope you’re having a great week.
I have recently seen that how are you is out of style; as for any overt or covert complimenting their “beauty”, this is now prohibited misogy-speak per our cultural programming: be warned.
Big help thank you, I’ll be putting into action many different approaches and paying close attention to the effects.
If nothing else it will be an interesting experiment. I like feeling outcome independent. Thanks for that too,
It’s all coming clear to me.
@Hisley, Yep a woman who postpones dates with excuses such as “I am busy “, “maybe some other time” is a waste of time.
@alfabeta:
Why is this good? Why would you want to minimize the chances of her sleeping with others?
I’d like more on comparissons between alpha and beta males in relationships! this is super helpful!
I think I’ve answered that about seven times, but I’m happy to do it again. As I’ve explained for many years, because she sees you every day when you live together, drama goes up, at least a little, when you move in with woman, even if you do everything correctly. This is the “price” you pay for living with someone, which the vast majority of human beings will eventually want to do as they get older, including players/Alphas (I just turned 45; if you’re 27 or 35 you likely won’t relate to this desire). I’m happy to pay this price as long as the increase is drama is negligible, which it should be, based on her personality, our history, and my level of relationship management skill. (Though of course, there are no guarantees in life.)
Also, I can text PF every day if I want (she’s an OLTR so that’s allowed) though I usually don’t. We communicate often; more so recently because we’re working on a project together. I’m slowly ramping up the contact level so it won’t be a huge shift/adjustment when she moves in.
Buy my online dating book. It describes openers in great detail, with many real-life examples that work.
Yes. And even the ones that can be special can stop being special later.
Then you’re likely an Alpha 1.0, not a beta. Both get oneitis a lot.
Precisely. Guys who scream “But once a week isn’t enough!” or “I want to talk to girls more than 1-2 times a week!” are coming at this from a scarcity / monogamy mindset. You can date as many girls as your schedule allows; you could talk to girls 7 days a week if you like. No one is forcing you to just date one girl at a time (which is stupid anyway).
That’s what guy buddies are for. Get some guy friends. Don’t make guy friends out of the women you’re fucking.
More of that coming…
Depending on how much you get laid, that’s either Alpha 1 or Omega. Betas are only good at following, most betas aren’t the emotional type. They just follow and that’s about all they do. Alpha 1s and (especially) Omegas? Those are the types who swap out their cock n balls for vaginas. Especially Omegas, who talk about “involuntary celibacy (really?).” Talk about dudes who act like chicks! lol
Yeah I’ve completely ditched the weak “rapport” text. If a chick has given me her contact info, we already have rapport. I start my texts with “yo” then an invite somewhere. Then a picture of something funny, like a meme, or a passed out homeless person or something. So I guess I still attempt rapport but at least my attempts aren’t weak and boring. I dunno, it works for me.
“” If this is a popular enough topic, I’ll follow up with more text game posts, both for relationships and pickup/dating.””
I am interested in more text game posts from you. Â Bring em on!
The level of absurdity of your response is hilarious. Poor guy has no idea what an asshole he’s up against. Kudos to you, though I’d just block him. (talking about the thumbnail)
I hope we’ll see more posts on texting, it’s definitely not my stongest area and I’d like to change that!
Hopefully more people want to see more on this topic as well.
Sending a simple “good luck” if you know an MLTR has something important going on that day like an exam or something is a big NO? Can you explain why?
During the training phase, when you are initially replying to texts only from every other day, do you respond to what she said on the skipped day the next day, or do you never reply to those texts? It does seem pretty rude, especially if she’s asking something personal about you, or telling you something personal about herself.
If you have been doing this wrong for a while, would you start training a little less aggressively, or go straight into the every other day routine?
It’s not a big no, but it’s certainly a no.
It’s a boyfriend behavior. Doing things like that will start to create mono-boyfriend expectations, resulting in eventual drama, betaization, and demands. Not immediately, but eventually.
If you want to say something like that to her, say it during a conversation she started. That’s perfectly fine.
That’s up to you. Either way is fine.
As I already said above and already explained in item 32 here, it doesn’t matter what she views as rude. We’re not trying to be nice or polite. We’re trying to keep betaization low and attraction high. Read this for more info.
I would train exactly as I stated above, but I would have much lower expectations for it working correctly. Once you screw up, un-screwing up can often be very difficult or impossible. Learn and remember for the next girl.
Alright, I started following the advice here and I just got a text from her basically saying: “I think it’s rude that you  barely text me anymore. I’m feeling stupid that I’m gonna visit you on friday and you don’t even want to text me.”
I replied with: “We can talk about it in person if it’s something that really bothers you, I don’t want to talk about it via whatsapp.” and then changed the topic.
Now I’m not planning on bringing the topic up on friday when I see her, I’ll just focus on having a good time. And I do realize that this is the best complaint a woman can give you in a relationship (-> https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2013/03/31/top-ten-complaints-from-girlfriends-you-want-to-hear.
However, what should I do if she brings it up in a calm way and wants to talk about it?
I will answer my own question with this:Â https://alphamale20.com/blackdragonblog/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/