04 Jun Sex Talk
This rates as one of the top ten most common questions guys ask me. It’s one of those things that comes so easily to me that for a long time I was surprised this concept was so difficult for so many guys. So here’s exactly how to do it.
One of the absolute key techniques to getting to sex quickly is sex talk. When I say “sex talk”, I don’t mean dirty talk during sex. I’m talking about you and a woman hanging out, at bar, or on a date, or whatever, and you’re talking about sex in a very good, loins-stirring way.
Men often forget that women LOVE to talk about sex, and many women enjoy talking about sex almost or as much as actually having sex. This is why most women would rather read a romance novel than watch explicit porn (while men are opposite). Sexually, men are visual, but women are emotional.
One of the most important steps to getting to sex quickly is to talk about sex with a woman in a way that
A) arouses her
B) shows her you are a confident, capable, sexual man who does not shy away from these topics.
Both of those things are equally critical. Sex talk also has the added advantage of setting a solid sexual EFA with her, which is something you always want to do, even if your endgame goal is to get monogamous with her.Here’s how to segue the conversation with her into good sex talk:
1. You must have (or at worst, pretend to have) a confident, outcome independent mindset with her. If you think she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever been on a date with, sex talk is not going to work. If she’s the first date you’ve had in six months and you’ve got raging blue balls, it probably also won’t work. You get my point.
2. You must be sexual, not horny. You can’t be (or act like) that guy who is all-consumed with “getting her back to his place”. That’s horny, and believe me, any woman who is about a 5 or more in looks will have had quite enough of that behavior from men by the time she reaches age of 17 or so.
A horny man just wants to fuck. However a sexual man is one who A) clearly has a high sex drive, B) is not embarrassed about that, C) is very skilled in bed, D) will be fucking someone soon if he doesn’t end up doing so with the woman he’s on a date with, and E) views sex as a gift to a woman as well as a source of pleasure for himself. I hope you see the difference between these two men; it’s important.
3. Fluff talk for the first 5 to 15 minutes or so, depending on the venue and the situation. Obviously, if you’re on an actual date or day2 you’re going to have a lot more time to establish rapport and comfort than if you’re standing while talking to her at a club or grocery store. Don’t introduce any big topics right off the bat. Give her a few minutes to relax. If she’s clearly nervous, you’ll have to extend this time.
4. Ask her about her most recent relationship or most recent dating experience. Holy crap, women LOVE talking about this shit. Just ask her “Have you been dating a lot or a little lately?” or “When was your last BIG relationship?”, and just watch her fly into that topic. Keep her talking about that for a few minutes. (It will be easy.)
5. Now, segue the conversation into more sexual contexts. If you’re a more confident and woman-experienced guy, you can just bluntly ask sexual stuff at this point, like “Do you usually cum vaginally or clitorally?” or “Do you like to be on top or something?” That’s what I do and it works fine. If you’re more new at this, then simply ask her a more sexual-based question based on the guy she’s currently talking about. An example would be:
Her: Yeah, we dated for about two months, but I didn’t like him.
You: Why?
Her: Oh, he just…ew!
You: What? He had a really small cock or something?
Her: No, that was okay…
You: He never made you cum?
Her: Ha! I think I came with him like two times the entire time!
Boom! Conversational hook point achieved, and you’re off to the races. Just keep that sexual line of conversation going, and you’re pretty much there.
6. Your body language during sex talk is very important. Do not be horny, do not be nervous, and do not be a douchebag. Horny would be you talking about sex, leaning forward, eyes wide, boner growing in your pants as you’re staring at her. No. Nervous would be you very hesitantly talking about these topics. No. Douchebaggy would be you saying “I bet you like really big cocks,” and then lewdly winking at her. Ugh. No.
Your body language, as always on a first date, first meet, or day2, should be relaxed, leaning back, smiling, speaking as slow as you’re able, a relaxed expression on your face, and with good eye contact.
7. Slowly get as explicit as possible. As I said, most women LOVE talking about sex, so you will be surprised how easy this is once you get the hang of it. If you reach a certain point where it’s clear she’s getting uncomfortable, back off a little, even change the subject if necessary. Then you can hit up the sexual stuff a little later.
8. Do not let the entire date/meetup be talking about sex. That’s a little too weird and would show some horniness or douchebaggery on your part. Talk about sex, do it in a positive way, get as explicit as you can, get her feeling those feelings, and then change the topic. Consider it verbal push-pull (which it is).Bravely talking to a woman about sex, relationships, and other men she’s dated or fucked without getting jealous, needy, horny, or weird is a powerful sign of confidence and outcome independence and is a key factor in her being attracted to you. I consider it one of the top five most important things you need to do pre-lay.
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Leave your comment below, but be sure to follow the Five Simple Rules.
Dan
Posted at 01:18 pm, 27th June 2011” I consider it one of the top five most important things you need to do pre-lay”
Would you be so kind as to tell us what the other 4 things are? Also, what is your opinion on these techniques on British women? Do you think they would be as powerful?
Caleb Jones
Posted at 02:33 pm, 27th June 2011They would probably be aggressively scheudling dates and days2 (without falling into women’s “let’s talk forever” frame), sex talk, kino, letting her do 80% of the talking during the date, and aggressive sexual escalation (on the second date). Note those are the most important actions. There are other just-as-important things, like personal appearance, and frames to have such confidence, non-neediness, outcome independence, etc. As well as ton’s of things not to do (don’t by her dinner, don’t tell her she’s hot, etc, etc).
British women aren’t super different than American women in my view. That’s why in the past when contrasting American women with European women I’ve talked about women who were “from Europe, minus England.” British women are perhaps slightly less emotive, but that’s about it. I see no reason why these techniques would not be effective in England.
NiccoloMachiavelli
Posted at 04:51 pm, 15th July 2011That’s a pretty good post – it’s really hard to put these things into words if you’ve never learned to do them step by step but rather by simply jumping in head-first..
I have to say I’m really enjoying your blog so far..
(I’m expecting TVA to jump out from behind a bush and call me a kiss-ass any second. I’m only half-joking.)
BecauseICan, Nick
brassboy
Posted at 01:47 am, 13th January 2014What happens if we suspect the girl to be currently in a relationship? I don’t want to start asking questions like “When was your last big relationship?” and inviting her to bring up her current boyfriend. In other words are there any other questions I could use for step 4?
Caleb Jones
Posted at 11:13 am, 13th January 2014If she’s currently in a relationship, she’s already with you on the date under false pretenses. She’ll just continue the lie, and start talking about her current BF/lover/whatever as if he was an ex. It’s no big deal. If she’s not wanting to talk about it because she doesn’t want to get “caught”, she’ll try to switch topics as fast as she can…that’s when you segue to sex talk.
Paul
Posted at 06:46 am, 24th April 2015I’m 24 and still a virgin. No sexual experience. Socially awkward.
The idea of talking about sex ever is daunting enough, to do that so casually and naturally on the first date, I think I’d rather go fisticuffs with a bear.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 10:00 am, 24th April 2015Then start very slow. Focus on talking about relationships. Over time, as you have more first dates, you’ll get more comfortable with the concept.
tcarrot
Posted at 05:19 pm, 23rd September 2015here is link on bd forum for more sexual talk
Alex Barbat
Posted at 02:13 pm, 18th November 2015Hey BD,
I think that this is a great article, and I really tried on my last 3 dates to make it shift into sex topics by asking about their past relationship, or their recent dating experience. I’m pretty young (19) and the girls I’m seeing are about the same age, and when I asked the response have been catching me off guard (maybe womanese). They said something like ‘no I’ve haven’t really seen anyone in a long time’ or ‘yeah my boyfriend was good, he took my out to dinners.’ Then she started asking if I did that with my “gf” aswell… like wtf… I’m pretty lost on this part…
Caleb Jones
Posted at 05:16 pm, 18th November 2015Just answer the question in a very general way and then re-direct back to her.
“So is that the kind of stuff you did with your GF too?”
“Eh. Haven’t really found the right girl yet. What other stuff did you guys do?”
Joseph
Posted at 09:08 pm, 16th May 2016I tried this tonight and here’s what happened:
I went out with a girl (cold approach at a grocery store) who seemed to really like me. The date started out great.
About 40 minutes in I asked her about her last boyfriend. She started telling me, and then I asked her why it didn’t work out. She said “I don’t know”. I responded “what, did he have a small penis?”
She literally ended the date right there and made up some bs excuse and asked me to take her home.
I’ve been on 15 dates from cold approach since I started in November of last year. I’ve literally NEVER had a date end this badly before.
Thanks, Blackdragon.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 03:21 pm, 17th May 2016Was she over age 33?
And I would have lead up to the penis question. “Why did you guys break up?” (answer) “And why is that?” (answer) “Did he have a small penis or something?”
Matt
Posted at 03:04 pm, 31st May 2016“I don’t know” is a woman’s way of saying “I don’t really want to discuss this subject” (or at least not right this second.) She wanted you to lead the conversation in another direction as for whatever reason it’s an issue that’s uncomfortable for her at that moment; instead you start talking about dick size and implying that she’s a fetishist for big cocks.
I can picture in my mind exactly how that exchange went down. There’s a world of difference between a woman saying “Oh he, just, ew!” in a joking manner, and her stating “I don’t know” in a somber manner. A dick size comment after the latter? No surprise at all she left. You didn’t read the tone of the conversation right, it sounds as if you phrased it like a deadpan serious question too, as if you actually cared about the dick size of her ex.
For my part, I wouldn’t even be attempting to make those kind of comments with women I’m on a date with until I knew I could make them successfully, and not get get a drink thrown in my face, by women I’m NOT on a date with.
MoChnk
Posted at 02:34 am, 9th August 2016I’m struggling with this one, too.
How can you properly get to sex talk with every girl in every scenario? Every girl is different, and so are guys.
This is a good example of a girl that needs a different strategy for sex talk.
But how do you proceed into sex talk when she avoids talking about her ex? The BD system is very refined in the areas of Online Dating and Managing Open Relationships. It’s the best advice I’ve seen so far. Props BD! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the real life dating part sucks but that I need more information in this area.
How do you handle a girl like in the above comment, BD? You already answered this and said you would proceed to the penis question.
But I think there are some important factors to take into consideration:
1. What kind of guy are you (your persona): are you more leaning towards the jerkish rock star or the deep artist guy for example?
BD, your persona is more congruent with such questions.
But I admit that maybe I am still too much of a nice guy and my persona isn’t optimal yet. All attractive personas are straightforward with sexual stuff. But isn’t there a way to be more James Bondish or something similar? Talking about her ex and his sex abilities is just a means to an end and not the end goal. The end goal is to get the girl talking about her sexuality, the way she orgasms, etc. How can you lead a girl into sex talk without making fun of her ex?
2. What kind of girl she is: this is also very much influenced by her culture – American girls are probably the most straightforward when it comes to starting sex talk. Her personality also plays a role. An ESFJ girl would react differently than an INFP girl. For all readers who don’t know what these letters mean here is a link to BD’s blog post about Myers Briggs personality types.
A woman who behaves like a lady will respond differently than a gossip bimbo.
3. In what kind of relationship has she been before: was it a serious relationship or just an FB without attachment? Maybe she is sad about the breakup because the guy broke up with her (I know the stats about breakups but sometimes it’s the man who ends the relationship. I broke up with my last girlfriend when I started reading your blog and realized how needy and betaized I was and how much drama I have put up with.)
I have noticed that talking about past lovers and relationships often times became a bit awkward. I got the answer “Don’t you know talking about the ex is a taboo? That’s date conversation skills 101.”
So I stopped and the conversation became a bit directionless and didn’t proceed towards establishing sexual tension between us.
And frankly, I’m not interested in getting to know details about women’s exes. I know you don’t do it out of curiosity but rather because it’s part of your system to establish sexual tension. But this is also a form of establishing a frame early on. Maybe later on in the relationship she will go on talking about her ex and if you don’t like it she might tell you that you were the one who brought up this topic at your first encounter.
Or is women talking about their exes actually something you regularly have in your relationships and a part of being confident and Alpha 2.0? Is my concern about women talking about their exes just showing that I’m not yet confident enough?
I’m a young aspiring Alpha 2.0 in my mid-twenties and I have already learned a ton from your blogs but I still have lots of work to do.
And why are there only 13 comments on this very important blog post and over TWELVE HUNDRED (!) comments on the Ignore Her After A Breakup post? It’s sad to see that most guys just dwell on the past and don’t put their focus on creating their future.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 02:17 pm, 9th August 2016As I said in the above comment, my guess is that the woman he was talking about was over 33. If she’s over 33, then yeah, you need to lighten up on the sex talk. You can still discuss it, but you can’t be as explicit.
I do it all the time. I don’t always talk about a girl’s ex. I just ask questions. You don’t have to segue from ex talk to sex talk; that’s just an easier way to do it.
Because those men are pussies.
I agree.
sa
Posted at 08:35 pm, 18th December 2016@MoChnk
did you try to roleplay with wingman or buddy, thats what i tried and BD coaching
good observation about comments and topic interest level
And why are there only 13 comments on this very important blog post and over TWELVE HUNDRED (!) comments on the Ignore Her After A Breakup post?
Lazy Blitz, a Storm of Openers!
Posted at 01:22 pm, 5th April 2019That’s probably the one thing in your system that I have the hardest time trying to implement: I have tried multiple times and either she will not segue to sex talk at all, like giving and extremely vague and awkward answer and then changing the topic immediately.
Only once I think, maybe twice (on around 100 first dates I think), the woman indeed started to talk about sex in details. She seemed to have enjoyed the first date, but I never got her to meet again for a second date. I must be doing something totally wrong because it completely bombs. I think it even impacts negatively my success rate.
I think it’s a brilliant idea though, as the first date becomes instantaneously orders of magnitude more fun and interesting for me.
Before reading you, my default approach was to not hint anything sexual at all, but do some light kino similarly to what you recommend. Then in the second date still not talk about anything sexual, but I have my own routine to escalate super quickly to sex often so less than the time of a music on my playlist, 2 musics at most. Unfortunately, it involves proposing to cuddle which is banned with FBs in your system.