A Fantasy Profile

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A Fantasy Profile

We've been talking a lot lately about online profiles, but today I'm going to switch things around and talk about the kind woman's profile that I would like. The following is not real. It's an example of the kind of profile I wish certain honest women would write. Ah, a man can dream..

-By Caleb Jones

Hi guys! I’m Kimberly! I know guys like to get right to the point, so since I’m trying to attract a guy, I’m gonna do just that!

Sex is very important to me and I need to have sex several times a week. Hehe. I know how to come vaginally so I tend to come a lot! If you can handle that, we’re in good shape!!! I’m also a little loud during sex and like to make lots of noise, so if you live in attached housing of any kind, you should probably have thick walls.

I fully respect men’s time. If I don’t like you romantically, and have no interest in ever having sex with you, I will tell you within the first five minutes of our first date, since that’s exactly when I’ll know. I'm not going to expect you to keep taking me out on dates or spending more time with me after that. That's just not cool! I respect your time (and hopefully you'll respect mine too).

If I do like you, I will have sex with you the second or third time we meet. (Unless you turn out to be a complete asshole of course.) I WOULD have sex with you sooner, but for some odd reason I can’t explain, there’s this magical power within me that prevents me from having sex with a guy I just met on the first date. Isn't that weird? LOLOLOL.

I really don’t like to give men drama. Men have enough shit to worry about in their lives! If you ever say or do anything I don’t like, I will just say “OK, whatever,” and change the topic to something fun. I never scream or yell at guys and I always keep my cool, or at least I try! I'm a girl but I do my best! There is another strange magical force within me that sometimes makes me say things that don’t make any sense. I'm not perfect, I do that sometimes, but I'm fully aware of it and do my best to control it.

I fully understand that sex is just a simple biological function that brings pleasure to two people. I understand that people can have sex and have it not mean anything. So once we’re dating, if you want to have sex with other women, that’s totally cool with me as long as it doesn't mean anything.

Just make sure you wear a condom when you do it though! Safety first! Haha. I understand you, as a man who can compartmentalize sex much better than women can, can love me while having sex with some other woman and not have it affect your love for me. I admit I don't totally understand it myself (I'm a girl!) but I do accept that men can pull that off.

As you can see from my photos, I'm cute. I’ve got big boobs and a nice butt. My hair is very long because I think short hair is for lezzies! LOL. Since I want to attract a high quality man, I look as hot as I can, all the time. I'll be honest, I don't think it's fair that women have to look hot and men don't, but I accept that's how society works, so I always make my appearance a priority. Even if we end up getting serious or married, I will work very hard to not gain a lot of weight, I won't cut my hair short, and I'll never stop coloring it. If that's the price I have to pay to get and keep a quality guy, I'll do it.

I will want kids someday though, so keep that in mind. Yeah, sometimes I try to act all cool and independent and modern and say that I "never want kids", but that's just how I feel right now. Someday later I will want some. So if we get serious, don't be surprised down the road when I start demanding kids now matter how cool I play it now.  LOL.

I’m also very smart, but not a bitch like many smart women can be. I can converse on a wide range of interesting topics, as you’ll find out if we meet. I’m fun, and like to do fun things. Money is nice, but I don’t expect to be pampered. I have enough income and self confidence to not need some man to buy me food and drinks all the time. I even like to pay sometimes. This ain't the 1950's any more...I know how to pay for plenty of my own stuff when we're dating.

Well, if you’re interested send me an email. I check my inbox every day and I always respond to all emails with 24 hours, because this dating thing is a priority in my life that I take seriously. If you don't get an email back from me within about 24 hours, you can safely assume that I'm not interested.
Thanks guys! Hope to hear from you!

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This article was originally published on March 3, 2013


  • singapore gay dating site 2021-08-02 22:15:49

    singapore gay dating site A Fantasy Profile - Alpha Male 2.0

  • Niteride Mick 2017-08-12 14:42:16

    Hey most bible fearing women bang like dunny doors !!!!

  • big daddy Cool 2016-08-17 18:44:41

    All these "LOL"s..., exclamation marks (and not only them). You have a cute way to belittle woman's brain, speaking truth on it. As for "sexual objectification", you rarely miss the chance to claim you don't do that at all. You love "all" about women. But then, we are, each of us, a body (sex) and a brain. You say nothing but truth when, usually with irony, you picture their brains' feebleness. You just have a misogynistic way to do that (=taking a lot of pleasure in doing that). In other words, I agree with all you say about women, particularly the way their grey matter got arranged by chance and evolution, but I am not going to say "I love everything of women".

  • ben 2015-09-26 11:34:26

    Kimberly what's is your last name. Do you have a profile like Facebook, instagram.

  • Sleek 2013-04-01 10:33:19

    Then give me the email adress of the girl on the photo,..

  • Blackdragon 2013-03-11 13:08:29

    You say you’d like to read a profile like this, but I don’t think you really would. There’s no mystery, no mystique.
    While I understand what you're saying, I actually would really like reading a profile like this. I don't require any mystique or mystery to get very turned on by a woman, and a woman who is a "challenge" actually turns me OFF. I realize some men are turned on by these things. I am not.

  • Time Flies 2013-03-10 14:23:54

    You say you'd like to read a profile like this, but I don't think you really would. There's no mystery, no mystique. It's all out there in front of you. Eventually you'd get bored with this and want a little challenge. Societal programming isn't just there for the hell of it. It's what brought the world to where it is today, assuming you believe in evolution. Had women just been up front throughout history, I bet men would have become bored with them and wanted something else (who knows, maybe that's how it was in the past - straightforward - and why it is the way it is - ambiguous - today). I know you think you'd like to read a profile like this (and sure, it might be cool to read it), but how would the sex be, how would the sexual energy be if everything was laid out on the table? It's funny how the psyche works...

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-10 13:22:06

    @Bo, quite honestly I didn't even understand your sentence to me above. Solipisism, sophistry, GBFM, wtf?

  • Bo 2013-03-09 13:03:36

    I don't think they are fans of solipsism and sophistry over at the Heartiste, LG. Lolz. Have you gotten the GBFM treatment yet? lolozzlozlzozlzozlzlol.

  • Bo 2013-03-09 13:00:48

    Pretty sure i've seen the girl in the pic on the BangBus BD...

  • Onyx 2013-03-03 20:49:10


  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-03 12:58:52

    @ Maldek... See, those are the very things women FEAR so much, which is what makes them so afraid of the "slut" label that they will go to great lengths and even dishonesty about their sexual desires to avoid it. Women are terrified that men will view them in the "unlovable" category of "sluts" and from that you get all the fun "anti slut defenses" and seeming prudery. Show them that you won't judge them this way and you have a heck of a lot of an easier time getting sex.

  • Anon 2013-03-03 11:39:50

    People would think she's a troll/fake if this was on a dating site.

  • maldek 2013-03-03 10:16:20

    @lifeofagirl Sluts. The truth. Most men would date a slut. Most men would fuck a slut. Most men would NOT marry a slut. Most men would NOT invite a slut for xmas with their parents. Most men would have no problem if their son would fuck a slut. Most men would NOT allow their son to engage with a slut. Most men would cheat on their wifes for a shot at a cute slut. Most men would risk their job for a cute slut. Most men would NOT want a slut to be their boss. Most men would NOT respect a slut. What can you expect from people who live a boring life of daily routines and political correctness while their hearts died of fear decades ago?

  • Jack 2013-03-03 09:52:13

    Lovergirl, I agree with you about one thing: Slut shaming is a self-contradiction if you're a man. It is the domain of schizophrenic males and power-hungry females. As for you living in the Bible belt, my condolences.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-03 09:33:55

    @Jack.... I live in the Bible Belt and I don't doubt that there are plenty of people in this area who have the very same racist and slut shaming views that you see on that blog. People feel safe to hide behind the internet and espouse things that they would get their ass kicked for saying in real life. Hell, around here more of it comes to the surface but I'm not so sure it isn't rampant in other areas of the country as well. Isn't that blog supposed to be for "pua's" and guys who WANT sex? See how they sabatoge themselves? It's ridiculous. Not to color BD's blog comments with a racism debate or anything but its real and it still exists and blogs like that are abject proof. I had a guy email me recently on the swinger site I am on and make a snide comment towards me that was indirectly alluding to the fact that I mention that there is a guy I play with sometimes as a couple and that he is black. He emailed me just to make his nasty comment and then blocked me on the site. That on a swinger site, where people are presumably more open than most. The slut shaming on that blog comes from both men and women, as it does in real life. Women who post stuff like what BD suggests here, probably would fare better in a liberal, open minded, larger city but there are still going to be people who have nasty attitudes toward her because of it. I don't know where the folks who post on Heartiste's blog come from but I'm presuming all over. In any case it shows slut shaming is still a very real phenomenon that lots of women DO have to deal with. Just read all the nasty comments towards anything sex positive I've had to say on there, on a blog supposedly for the purpose of HELPING guys get sex!! SO counterproductive. In any case on MY profile I have to be very subtle about what I actually want because if I go around saying I want sex on a place where my pictures are posted and I run into folks in real life who have seen me, I'll have hell to pay. On OKCupid I don't even answer the questions about sex, or at least publicly because I don't want any of that kind of negative feedback. It also sets you up for a rape or something by strangers who have that "any woman who wants sex is a dirty whore" mentality. Some weirdo sees your comments and recognizes you and gets angry if you don't want to fuck HIM.

  • Ken 2013-03-03 09:12:20

    Actually, there are a ton of profiles like that now on OK Cupid. See what you miss when you don't read them? 😉

  • Jack 2013-03-03 09:11:30

    Lovergirl, not everyone lives in the Bible belt. I don't believe the racist slut shaming filth on Heartiste's blog calling you a "nigger-loving slut" is indicative of the attitudes of even the mainstream sheep stuck in the matrix. You can't look at an entire blog dedicated to slut shaming and (albeit closeted) Bible conservatism and say that pieces of trash like that are the reason women can't adopt a more sex friendly profile as BD suggests. I think your aversion to BD's profile suggestion may be heavily influenced by where you live, or by erroneously labeling extremist right wing Nazis as "mainstream culture."

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-03 08:50:17

    I saw a post of his in my wordpress feed and had to put in my two cents. Problem is Mr. Heartiste has been moderating my comments and not letting me respond to half the crap that's been said to me or I'd have told those losers off a long time ago. That place is a cesspool. I doubt I'll continue to comment. I'm being prevented from saying SOME things and others he is posting. LAME, but also shows he's scared of me, lol. What it also shows though, is that there are some really fucked up in the head guys out there, ones who refuse to acknowledge that women can have a sex drive. Is it any wonder you all can't find profiles of women like the one BD has created here? You see how society treats a woman who is honest about her desires? An interesting lesson there huh? Those same men would probably claim they WANT to see women post profiles like this, but if and when they did they would shame her to the ends of the earth, so she CAN'T publicly admit this stuff.

  • Jack 2013-03-03 08:40:03

    @Lovergirl: About guys lecturing you on casual sex: Well you seem to enjoy all that punishment. Otherwise, why the fuck are you posting on Heartiste's blog, where a bunch of slut shamers and racists are ripping you apart for being a "dirty whore?" You traded sedfast for this?

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-03 08:29:10

    I'm thinking it would be near impossible for her to respond to all the emails within 24 hours!! Women have to write their profiles to filter OUT so many freaking emails!! I can't even begin to keep up with them all. There is no way I'd write all the guys that email me back as is. No way a young girl like the one in the pic who wrote a profile talking about how she was going to fuck you by the second date would be able to, lol. Plus can you imagine all the hate mail she'd get? My profile isn't like that but I do allude to a more casual attitude towards relationships. I only ALLUDE to it mind you, but I get emails from guys LECTURING me for looking for casual sex and telling me I shouldn't be doing that. Gee thanks for their concern, right? 😛 Also, trying to tell guys you aren't interested right away generally results in them trying HARDER to get with you. They get offended or something and take it as a personal challenge. It would be nice if saying "I'm not interested" actually WORKED. I wrote a whole long blog post about telling a guy I didn't feel the chemistry and how he set to arguing with me about it for an hour and a half and how I WOULD feel the chemistry if I just gave him more of a chance. UGH. Another thing, I really don't believe that men are necessarily better at compartmentalizing their emotions. I think a lot of times they DO fall for women they have sex with. It happens a lot more than they are willing to admit. The deeper I get into the open relationship thing the more I realize I am just as capable, perhaps more so, of compartmentalizing as he is. It's one of those things you just have to WANT to do and a lot of women haven't felt like it's "okay" for them to do but once they realize that may view things differently. Still, enough sex with someone and both parties tend to feel some sort of emotions.

  • Jon 2013-03-03 07:28:24

    That would be an awesome profile. However, with a picture like that she could say the exact opposite of everything you wrote and still have a full inbox. 🙂 This sentence really jumped out at me: "I don’t think it’s fair that [...] but I accept that’s how society works." That perspective can be useful in so many different areas - politics, health, business, relationships, etc. I'm going to write that down and keep it as a reminder for myself.

  • Oxyjinn 2013-03-03 06:26:32

    Finally I see we've got some common taste.