23 Apr Getting Things “Out of Your System”
-By Caleb Jones
A common piece of Societal Programming wisdom is that newly-adult men are raving, horny bastards who will have sex with just about anything that moves. These men, assuming they’re not complete pussies, run around like barbarians during their 20s, perhaps even early 30s, and as the old saying goes, “sow their wild oats.” This means they have tons of sex with tons of women and live out all of their crazy sexual fantasies.
Then finally, after they “get all of that out of their system” they’re “ready” to “settle down” like gentlemen, and get married and be forever happy in a monogamous relationship. They’ve gotten all that “bad stuff” “out of their system” so they don’t need to do it any more. They’re now good to go as proper, responsible husbands and fathers.
Is this correct?
The answer is both absolutely yes and hell no.
I shall explain.
Why It’s Right
I think I’ve mentioned before that I have cut way back on the number of women I have sex with as compared to several years ago. Back between 2008 and 2010, I was having my wild years. As a recently divorced guy back then, having finally mastered my newly discovered powers of online dating and seduction, I was having a ball.
During those years I had lots of sex with lots of women. It was during this time I was posting some of these adventures on the now defunct seduction forum, mASF. These reports gained a lot of attention, and from that this entire Blackdragon endeavor was born.
My point is that during that time of my life, I lived out literally every sexual fantasy I have ever had, even going back to my teenage years. You name the common male sexual fantasy, and I’ve probably done it at some point, multiple times, with multiple women. Younger women. Older women. Married women. Cheerleaders. Sexy librarian types. Sex at the office. Celebrities (though minor C list ones). Threesomes. Models. Teachers. Students. Sisters. Mothers and daughters. Perfect 10s. Etc. I’m not going to run down the entire list, but it’s somewhat extensive.
Now that I’ve done all this stuff, guess what? I don’t need to do it any more. Seriously. I have no interest. I haven’t had a threesome in a few years. I have (more or less) stopped dating women under the age of 23. Etc. Why? Because been there, done that, many times. I really don’t need to do it again.
Of course I’m not going to say no if these kinds of things fall into my lap. Of course I’ll take it if it’s offered, and sometimes that happens. But I don’t go after these things any more. My sex life has settled down to 1-2 MLTRs with 1-2 sporadic FBs, and that’s it. Nothing wild or insane or Penthouse-letter-worthy. That’s all I need. All that crazy shit really and truly is “out of my system.”
Why It’s Wrong
That’s how the “get stuff out of your system” thing is correct. Now let’s talk about why it’s completely wrong.
Just because a man goes crazy and lives all of his sexual fantasies, does that now mean he’s ready for monogamy for the rest of his life? Once he’s had sex with 150 women, is he now ready to be sexual with just ONE woman and only one woman for the next 45 years?
Of course you know the answer. I was actually laughing out loud as I typed the above paragraph. Of course the answer is no. A man will never, ever, ever “get over” the hard-coded biological need for sexual variety. The stats regarding breakups, divorce, and cheating (by men) clearly show this. The only exception to the rule is when a man becomes so old he’s unable to have sex any more. And even then, that dirty old bastard will still be flirting with the cute 21 year-old girl at the grocery store checkout stand.
Many Alpha Males and former PUAs/players make this classic mistake. They go have sex with 200 women, then get into their late 30s or early 40s, figure they’re “done,” then settle down and get monogamous with that One Special Girl™ who is Not Like The Rest™, making all the usual excuses about “Well how else can you raise kids?!?”
For a while, they’re very happy. But after the dreaded three-year mark, if not well before, these former players’ eyes start to wander, and in short order they’re cheating on their wives like madmen. Like most men who cheat, they get caught, and then it’s drama from hell if they’re “lucky,” full-on divorce if they’re not.
Hear me on this: No man will ever, EVER get over his need for sexual variety. Dream on all you want. It will never happen. The best you can hope for is that he might be able to temporarily suppress this need for new women for a few years before it arises again.
However, a man can get over his need for crazy, wild sexual fantasies if he actually experiences enough of them. I’ve spoken with other older, sexually experienced men like myself, and almost all of them report the same thing I described above. They’ve done all the crazy stuff, and they really don’t need to do it any more. Of course they’re still men, so they’ll still need sexual variety occasionally, but they don’t need to be out having wild foursomes with big-titted 19 year-old strippers any more.
Women dating me back in 2009 (probably my craziest year of all) had to accept the fact that I was constantly out doing all kinds of crazy and wild sexual shit with all kinds of people. Women in my life today don’t have to worry about that. Of course I’m still never going to be 100% monogamous, because I’m an Alpha Male 2.0, monogamy doesn’t work, and I’m never going to suppress my core male desires for sexual variety. My happiness is too important to me. But at least such a woman doesn’t have to worry that I’ll be out being a crazy, uncontrollable Charlie Sheen type. I just need a little on the side, simply, quietly, and discreetly.
Therefore, my advice to men has always been:
1. DO go out and live your sexual fantasies. Seriously. Make a list of the big sexual fantasies you have, no matter how kinky or anti-Societal Programming they are (though keep them legal, please; you don’t want to go to prison). Then go do them. Get that shit done and over with, and out of your system, so you can look back with wonderful, fond memories instead of kicking yourself about the exciting things that could have been but never can be (because now you’re married or too old or whatever).
2. DON’T ever assume that you’ll ever be “ready” for long-term (3+ years) monogamy, because you won’t. Ever. You’re a man. It doesn’t matter what fantasies you’ve lived or how many women you’ve had sex with, you will always desire sexual variety as a man. It’s how we’re designed. Don’t deny it, don’t bullshit women about this, and don’t bullshit yourself. Trapping yourself into a long-term, utterly monogamous relationship won’t make you happy in the long-term unless you’re a very bizarre exception to the rule (like you have very low testosterone, or you dislike sex, or similar).
Someday overcome your need for crazy fantasies? Yes.
Someday overcome your need for sexual variety? No.
Don’t mix those two up.
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Lachie
Posted at 06:28 am, 23rd April 2015Hey BD,
is this also the case for low smv men? Does the non monogamy urge temper itself when there aren’t many other women available for a low market value man?
Ranks22
Posted at 06:55 am, 23rd April 2015Once again another great post, Thanks
Ranks22
From London
doneitallandthensome
Posted at 07:25 am, 23rd April 2015Lucky I found a woman that is every woman – they are rare but do exist. If you can bring out the best in the woman you have you will find there is always something new about her. Not many men can pull it off but I believe some Blackdragon guys out there may have it in them. Great and sane advice for any man that knows he hasn’t found that woman.
Signor Farfalla
Posted at 08:04 am, 23rd April 2015You can’t get a drive out of your system unless it’s for health reasons. Bored husband=low T=physiological depression=emotional depression. “Get it out of your system” is just the initial grooming for “Man Up!” If a young man gets acknowledged for having “gotten it out of his system” that’s just a medal of commendation in the sexual realm. That’s the FI patting the boy on the head for being a rough and tough little rascal who is now worthy to serve a BitchLord in the FI. The boy is done playing in the woods now it is time to be a real soldier for the FI.
JoshuaTenor
Posted at 09:26 am, 23rd April 2015“Hear me on this: No man will ever, EVER get over his need for sexual variety. Dream on all you want. It will never happen. The best you can hope for is that he might be able to temporarily suppress this need for new women for a few years before it arises again.”
This is so very, very true. And I sort of learned this one on my own in the past year or so.
Good job BD, finally putting this truth into print.
JoshuaTenor
Posted at 09:30 am, 23rd April 2015@doneitallandthensome
“Lucky I found a woman that is every woman – they are rare but do exist. If you can bring out the best in the woman you have you will find there is always something new about her.”
Wha…. What? lol
Jon
Posted at 09:56 am, 23rd April 2015How do you get her to change her race? Because that would be a neat trick. 😛
Michael
Posted at 11:45 am, 23rd April 2015Pretty good, a few minor quibbles:
1. “But after the dreaded three-year mark”
Close enough, but the data says the boredom peak is at four years: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-there-a-biological-basis-for-the-7-year-itch/
2. “No man will ever, EVER get over his need for sexual variety.”
This is true of the majority but not all men, and to be fair you later acknowledge some of the exceptions.
3. “fromer” -> “former”
Dawson Stone
Posted at 11:52 am, 23rd April 2015@doneitallandthensome
“Lucky I found a woman that is every woman – they are rare but do exist. If you can bring out the best in the woman you have you will find there is always something new about her.”
I feel like I am listening to the lyrics of a country song, reading a Hallmark card or watching the end of Jerry Maguire. I mean come on.
A few questions:
– How old is she/you?
– How long have you been together?
– Are you married? If so, for how long?
– Do you have children? If so, what ages?
– What do you and Perfect Woman do for your career?
– How often do you have sex?
I love how when people talk about how they have found One Special Girl™ who is Not Like The Rest™ they simply don’t allow for the passage of time and how that will change things. There are two components to romantics relationships: 1) affection and 2) attraction.
Affection can last a long time…perhaps even a lifetime if it is value-based affection. Attraction changes. There is simply no getting around that fact. I don’t know why so many people can’t bring themselves to admit that they aren’t as attracted to the 45 year old, post-2-kid woman versus the 19 year old, college athlete, pre-child version of that same woman. And this doesn’t even take into account the newness excitement of have sex with a new woman.
Most people in relationships want their partner to basically promise to freeze their feelings in time (both in terms of attraction and affection) so they have to either a) lie or b) delude themselves.
Caleb Jones
Posted at 12:05 pm, 23rd April 2015No. I have seen very low-value beta males cheat on their wives/girlfriends and I’m sure you have too.
Lower-value men simply get monogamous faster, because it’s the only way they can get laid. They also tend to take longer to cheat than players / Alphas. But their need for sexual variety doesn’t wane.
Losers, dorks, and betas are still men.
It’s called NRE. It’s temporary. It will pass.
It a little varies per study. Look around on this blog and there are plenty of links that clearly show three years, but “3-4” years is probably accurate.
Fixed, thank you!
Samim S
Posted at 02:21 pm, 23rd April 2015Excellent! I have been hearing this “Get it out of your system and then find a girl who cooks and cleans and is loyal” a lot recently from men who are otherwise 100% on dot. I am on the starting phase of this whole thing and this post gives me a picture of how the path might look like over the years. Thanks BD!
Caleb Jones
Posted at 04:34 pm, 23rd April 2015Yep. The classic Alpha Male 1.0 model. It doesn’t work since it assumes two falsehoods:
1. You’ll never cheat (you will) or if you do you’ll never get caught (you will).
2. She’ll never get bored (or pissed) with you and leave (she will).
Dawson Stone
Posted at 05:35 pm, 23rd April 2015I certainly agree monogamy makes no sense and that while an insanely wild period can’t go on forever (but sure is fun) at some point it will impact the other parts of your life. But I actually don’t agree with cutting back to a couple of MLTR’s and a FB or two. From my perspective there are two reasons for this. The first is that if I am seeing someone in a MLTR she will get invested in our relationship and regardless about how clear I have been up front she will either push for more or be unhappy (often very subtlety so) which is almost worse. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but if they want X and you can’t give em X feelings get hurt no matter how I set it up in the first place. Ultimately this increases drama and that’s the deal killer for me. I get that it’s a trade off between drama and consistency. Which brings me to my second reason. I simply don’t place a high value on consistency. I prefer variety and ideally I have women that I will see for 6-24 months but only see 1-3x a month and have new ones always cycling in.
It’s the same reason I’ll never live with another woman. Drama goes up no matter how vigilant you are. A huge part of being happy for me is keeping life simple but clearly this is a personal preference.
Amanda
Posted at 06:35 pm, 23rd April 2015I can attest to the restlessness felt after a few years – I am currently about 3 1/2 years into my first >1-year relationship, and the little things are starting to get on my nerves. After reading up on “betaization,” I recognize that, without being aware of it at the time, I probably encouraged him to act more supplicating and lose some of the assertiveness that attracted me to him in the first place. I’d like to encourage him to get it back if possible, but not really sure where to start.
We don’t live together and I have always made it known that I’m an introvert who really, really values alone time and that I’ve never desired marriage – but he recently started hinting that he wants to get married. My mom advised me to just get a prenup, LOL … I don’t think a lot of women can relate to just not wanting to get married at all!
Duke
Posted at 02:33 pm, 24th April 2015@Amanda, if you’ve read most of this blog by now you know that you are no longer in NRE. I think you know this means that no matter how attractive this man was once to you, he has naturally become less sexually attractive after this passage of time. More than likely you have three options:
1. Accept your loss of attraction and learn to like him for his other qualities or
2. Find yourself a new man that “does it” for you or
3. The option you hinted at, of building up his self-esteem to where he feels like he is the man again, but I’m guessing most women want their man already built up, if my memory serves me correctly.
POB
Posted at 10:10 am, 25th April 2015@Amanda
IMHO the best way (if you still like him) is to convert to a poly/open relationship. Find an Alpha lover ASAP (preferably an Alpha 2.0) and let your boy have some fun on the side himself. If he does not abide, take the hit of a break-up and go be happy.
Michael
Posted at 01:32 pm, 25th April 2015@POB
The issue with your suggestion (and BD’s system as I understand it) is that biologically the vast majority of women are not polyamorous, they’re serial monogamists, for very good genetic reasons.
@Amanda
It’s not him, it’s you! 😀 Not your fault though, it’s just how evolution has designed you.
Amanda
Posted at 07:54 pm, 25th April 2015Thanks for the tips guys. 🙂
I’ve always been somewhat of a serial monogamist; as I mentioned this is my first relationship that has lasted more than a year, and it’s also the first time I have experienced “relationship fatigue.” It started around the 2 1/2-year mark, but has improved since I realized what was happening and took steps to correct some of the things I was doing wrong. I’m sure one of the reasons it’s lasted so long is that we DON’T live together, and only hang out on weekends. Yet we are complete opposite personality types (I’m ISTJ and I’m pretty sure he’s ENFP), which I’ve heard is great for attraction, but can cause problems in long-term relationships.
As for the open relationship thing, I’m not 100% opposed to the idea but still not quite sure if it’s for me. As far as I know, I’ve only known one woman this totally worked for, and she was an extroverted, bisexual, “free love” hippie type. That said, I could see it working more for women who have been in a relationship for years and are seeking variety. I think for most men that desire is always there as BD said (whether or not they act on it), but women are more apt to be attracted to only their partner for the first couple of years before they really start noticing other men at all.
StatusQuoHellzNo
Posted at 08:54 am, 2nd May 2015Yeah, Society mercilessly tries to beat it into men’s brains that their character is “flawed” if they promise long-term monogamy to a woman and ultimately can’t do it. And that’s probably all they hear in blue pill marriage counseling when they are trying to “repair” their relationships (A.K.A. the “noble” thing to do, you know 😛 )…which basically leaves men with an even more strictly-enforced mandate to further kiss their wives’ butts in order to “make everything up to them”. Sounds more like a prison sentence than a truly healthy, happy relationship. Whooooopie!! 🙂 Fun, fun, fun. One of my close, married friends (who continues to cheat but won’t leave his frigid wife because he’s a “responsible” father) recently told me (quite defensively) to stop shoving all this monogamy stuff “down his throat”. He doesn’t want to hear it. Truth hurts.
Amanda…I’m a woman who doesn’t want to get married either. Great choice. 🙂
buzz
Posted at 08:08 pm, 28th December 2017you need to change this.
“No man will ever, EVER get over his need for sexual variety”.
to
most men…..
What I want is repeatability not variety.
When I get them trained I like the same thing over and over again.
Even when I find a different woman, I still want her to do the same thing:)
I keep getting dinged by women for not enough variety and thought that was a female thing?
There must be other men like me?