Being Unable to Compartmentalize Sex is a Liability

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-By Caleb Jones

Today’s article is a direct sequel to an article that I wrote regarding the Relationship Boxes Concept. If you have not yet read it, please take a minute and do so. It will put the rest of this article in context for you.

Within the Relationship Boxes Concept, I explained that everyone has a different amount of relationship “boxes” in his/her brain when it comes to having sex with someone. There are sex boxes, affection boxes, and love boxes. You only have a certain amount of each. You may even be missing one or more of those types. Read the linked article above for more information.

Today, I’m going to discuss men who are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to living a life of long-term, consistent happiness. They are the men who lack the ability to have completely casual sex.

In other words, if they have sex with a woman, they immediately get strong romantic feelings for her. In extreme cases, they get oneitis or they fall in “love” with her after having sex just a few times. It’s not really love of course, but that’s what they’ll call it.

Most other men in this category aren’t quite as extreme. They don’t fall in love or get oneitis, but they will admit that whenever they have sex with a woman, they immediately get strong, romantic feelings for her. They can’t help it. I’ve talked to many of these men over email and on the forums over the years.

Having romantic feelings for a woman is just fine. Being strongly attracted to a woman on an emotional level is also fine. I do this all the time. The problem is these men do this with every woman they have sex with.

Stated differently, these men lack the ability to have FBs (fuck buddies or friends with benefits). The concept of having completely casual sex with someone who is just your friend and that’s it (or less!) simply does not exist in their world. Every woman they sleep with is either an MLTR, OLTR, girlfriend, or at least someone they want to have as one of those types of relationships.

Using the Relationship Boxes parlance, we may say that these men lack a sex box. The only boxes they have are affection boxes and love boxes.

The Problem

Here's the question. How happy do you think these men typically are in their relationship lives?

If you answered “not really happy,” you’re right.

Here’s another one. How many relationship/woman problems do you think these men tend to have?

If you answered “a lot,” again, you’d be right.

How much drama and frustration do you think these men experience in their woman/relationship lives?

If you answered, “a lot,” you’re on a roll.

If every woman you have sex with you get "feelings" for, it might sound nice, but the reality is that you’ve got some very real problems. Such as:

1. You are in a constant state of neediness and outcome dependence with women. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. You’re never 100% at peace. This is unless every woman you sleep with reciprocates all of your feelings at all times, and that's not going to happen.

2. Every new woman introduced into your sex life is a new source of stress, work, and concern. Once you have sex and start to like her (and likely start treating her like someone you’re dating or want to date) your happiness is bound up in her acceptance of you. With other men, this happens sometimes, with some women. With you, this happens to every woman you have sex with.

3. The entire woman side of your life is much more work, both logistical and emotional, than with normal guys who fall for some women they sleep with but not most of the others. For these men, sex is always a joy. For you, it’s nice (hey, it is sex) but it’s also emotional overhead.

Over the course of my life, I've had sex with a lot of women over a period of more than 20 years. I've fallen in love with a grand total of three of them. Three. To be fair, this article isn't necessarily talking about love. So to compare apples to apples, I back through my spreadsheets and journals to count up the number of women I had real romantic feelings for (high end MLTRs) in addition to those three. I came up with an additional four women.

So of all the women I’ve ever had sex with in my entire life (not a small list), only seven of these women were women I considered or wanted to be high-end MLTRs or above; women I had "feelings" for, well beyond friendship. All the rest were either FBs (more than 50%) or lower-end MLTRs, and that's all I wanted them to ever be.

That’s how picky I am about who I get “feelings” for. Moreover, it often takes me around six months or longer to get these feelings. As just one example, in my last OLTR relationship, we were together for 5.5 years, but for the first 12 months or so she was nothing but an FB. It took me a long time to get real “feelings” for her.

And before you start thinking I’m some kind of robot, there are plenty of other Alphas who have slept with far more women than me and had strong feelings for less than seven of them. I’m an emotional beta compared to some of these guys.

Because most of the women I have sex I don't have "feelings" for (beyond friendship) and I’m perfectly comfortable with this, my entire dating and relationship life is:

1. Simpler

2. Less stressful

3. Less work

4. Less drama

5. More fun

6. More rewarding and real when I do have a relationship with feelings.

Many times when I give relationship advice to guys, and I tell them to do things like soft next or forbidding FBs from spending the night, they protest saying, “Hey, I don’t work that way. I get feelings for every woman I have sex with. It’s just how I am.”

That’s great, but I’m telling you this is bad. This is not something you should be defending or justifying. This should be something you should be addressing and fixing. If every time you have sex with some random bimbo you immediately start getting feelings for her, she’s going to have you by the balls to some degree, and you're in for problems. It's almost guaranteed.

I’m not saying you have to be an INTJ robot like me. I am saying that you need to start developing the skill of having sex with a woman over a prolonged period of time without getting emotional for her beyond friendship. If she’s truly amazing, then fine, feel those romantic feelings and go for it, but not every woman you have sex with is truly amazing. Truly amazing women, and women who are compatible with you, represent a smaller percentage of the women you will have sex with over the course of your life. Most women you have sex with will be normal, everyday chicks, and this is okay. Accept it.

If you’re one of these guys, I strongly recommend the following:

1. Go read and then re-read my post on how to avoid oneitis, and follow its instructions. Again, I realize that you don’t always get full-on oneitis, but that article still applies to you.

2. When you have sex with a new woman, ask yourself some hard questions. Is this woman you just met really amazing enough for you to fall for? Is she really that different from the other women you’ve had sex with? Is it possible you’re getting something that feels like “feelings” just because she’s really hot? (That last one is really common.)

3. Ask yourself WHY you get feelings for every woman you have sex with. Sit down quietly and ask yourself that question, and listen to what your subconscious mind tells you. You may learn something. If you do, you’re better armed to address it.

Romantic feelings of connection are wonderful. Have them. But don’t have them for every woman you happen to boink.

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  • Will 2015-07-07 13:41:25

    Absolutely! But I think you need an affection box as well as the sex box. This could be a blog post all on it's own. It may take time but my end goal is to have my love box, affection box and sex box all filled. The relationship box blog is one of the most important posts ever!

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 15:02:32

    @ Will - I believe BD has written a blog post (which he links above) already containing the 'affection box'. To all the 'one-itis' guys out there... welcome to being a woman. It's not fun to get feelings for everyone you sleep with and to have no control over it due to hormones. @BD - I have been reading your blog for a few months now (and all archived posts), and I'm a massive fan. Apologies as I know you direct this blog primarily to male readers, but do you have any advice on how women can 'train' themselves out of oneitis? You must have some experience with women who are able to do this given you sleep with so many and yet they (or you) are able to manage their natural tendency towards attachment. Or perhaps you in fact encourage their attachment as it gives you more control?? Perhaps your lady friends could provide some insight? Thank you.

  • Blackdragon 2015-07-07 15:14:03

    Absolutely! But I think you need an affection box as well as the sex box.
    No, an affection box is optional. Having one love box and 3 or 4 sex boxes with no affection boxes is a very workable model for a man. (Though I have 2 affection boxes myself.) What I'm saying above is that not having a *sex* box (or a few) isn't optional if you want to be happy.
    Apologies as I know you direct this blog primarily to male readers, but do you have any advice on how women can ‘train’ themselves out of oneitis?
    Not really. The difference with women is that there's a strong component within the woman Psyche that wants to be uncomfortable. Many of the items over at the oneitis post do apply to women though. On a side note, in the last few months I've had a very noticeable upswing in the number of women commenting here and emailing me with advice-for-women questions, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'll give it some thought.

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 15:24:00

    Thank you for your reply BD. I can't say I'm happy about negative emotions or want them and if I could turn off those ridiculous 'feelings' like a switch I would. I believe oxytocin is the culprit, rather than a need to feel unhappy. But I'm willing to look at a deeper reason as you suggest. As to how to handle questions from women, I would say this: The question I asked above will actually help MEN too - if women can learn how to detach after sex, that means less drama for men. I believe a great deal of drama is caused by unwanted attachment from women. So if the question can help male readers too (rather than your standard 'what should I do when my boyfriend does blah blah questions), then it's good for everyone if an answer can be found.

  • Amanda 2015-07-07 15:52:57

    Trinity - I developed strong feelings for every man I had sex with for the longest time, and all those relationships ended. A lot of that had to do with me - I became too much drama, and would have given just about anything for the relationship not to end, even though I knew damn well how toxic some of those relationships were! It was extremely unhealthy. I don't know how old you are, but one thing I noticed is that all those relationships/hookups took place when I was 25 and under (and, from around ages 19-22 I was partying heavily ... I'm sure that had a lot to do with it too). Also, none of them lasted more than a year. In my current relationship (which has been going on over 3 years now), I made a conscious decision NOT to act clingy or cause lots of drama - to essentially be outcome-independent, even though at the time I knew nothing of this blog. I only knew that my past relationships had left me a mess and that it was time to try something different. Today, I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone I NEEDED - and, the type of guys who would want a woman who needed them are not the types I would want to be with! I wish I had better advice as to what I did, but it was really just an attitude change after thinking hard about the type of men I wanted to attract and the type of relationship I wanted. Getting to a point where I had established financial independence, my own hobbies, and comfort being alone also helped. I also insist on living separately from my boyfriend (we spend time together on the weekends). I think if we were together 24/7 it would foster interdependence rather than independence.

  • maldek 2015-07-07 15:57:32

    "they immediately get strong, romantic feelings for her." -> This is how females work. We all - men or women - have both male and female parts in us. One man may be 90% male and 10% female and another one 70% male and 30% female. The later would be a perfect candidate for the "no casual box" type.   When we talk about "red pill" versus "blue pill" (from one of my personal fav. movies of all time "The matrix") it often comes down to increasing our male%age and reducing our femal%age.    

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 16:08:32

    Amanda - thank you for your insight. FYI I'm 38, have been divorced 4 years, was married to my high-school sweetheart until 34, and left him because I got bored with the sex, though he was lovely (as women unfortunately do). I have never, and still don't want children. Absolutely no maternal instinct whatsoever. I'm very attractive and the men I date have all fallen head over heels for me which actually makes the problem worse as I relax into the attachment. However I've tried very hard not to let my actions show this - I literally never text them first, don't ask where the relationship is going (they've all volunteered to be my BF without me bringing it up), remain independent and give them their independence. And yet I'll find my ridiculous hormones making me act in a way that leaves me shaking my head at myself later. The drama I create is more of the 'controlling' kind, rather than the needy kind. Perhaps 4 years of dating isn't enough time to gain adequate experience at managing myself. Did it take you many years to gain that self-control Amanda? And I imagine for guys to train themselves out of oneitis it's a long process also?

  • Will 2015-07-07 16:28:19

    "I've had a very noticeable upswing in the number of women commenting here and I'm not really sure how to handle it" You can't engage in it . The whole point of this blog is that it's for men! I think it would confuse what we are trying to achieve here. This is a real curveball.

  • Diggy 2015-07-07 16:37:45

    Yeah, name the last time you saw a mens only place that women didn't work there was into?!? They always do...    

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 16:44:13

    If women are asking 'what should I do when he...' then I agree, this is not the site for those questions. However BD is supplying information on how to become outcome independent in this post, which is relevant to both genders and it can only further the goal of enabling men to get more sex from more women without drama if he has an insight on how women can become outcome independent also. This is info that the male readers themselves could pass on to other women (or men). I agree that it would negatively impact the site if it were to be overrun by typical women's issues which are better covered on other blogs. So it depends on the type of question.

  • Will 2015-07-07 17:31:52

    @ Trinity - I agree. If women want to improve their outcome independence for an open relationship, then of course that's something to be encouraged! Then turning an MLTR into an OLTR will become far less of a issue.

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 17:38:10

    Thanks Will. Yes, monogamy sucks for everyone and I will not be going back to it any time soon. Believe me, many women would be much bigger SlutsTM* if we could switch off our feelings the way guys do. More sex for everyone is always a good thing!

  • tonystark 2015-07-07 18:00:38

    Believe me, many women would be much bigger SlutsTM* if we could switch off our feelings the way guys do.
    And you certainly can. I've seen many women very capable of doing so and who do so. The other problem though, is monogamy is the norm. Having multiple boxes makes less sense if you're only ever going to use one box.
    women’s issues which are better covered on other blogs.
    Ha! If only there were blogs that actually gave women good advice.

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 18:12:39

    @ tonystark - I couldn't have said it better myself. Most blogs are women giving other women terrible advice - BD's blog is different. Perhaps this accounts for your recent upswing in female contributors BD. Your philosophy works best for both genders. 🙂

  • JRM 2015-07-07 19:29:21

    I would think women who read this blog are of a different breed. I have a few female friends that would really resonate with this blog and I teach them a lot of the skills discussed on here, which have helped them in their own life. It's funny, because when a woman exhibits "alpha" traits, outcome independence, etc. it really screws with a guy, even if he is somewhat more alpha, as they're displaying man traits. This stuff really is fascinating. Having said that...I like how it's a "guys place".  I hope it stays that way.

  • Amanda 2015-07-07 20:01:27

    Trinity - It took me a bit longer than four years to get to this point. Through most of my dating life I was very controlling, and the more men put up with it, the farther I'd take it - as BD says, I was comfortable being uncomfortable and would ramp it up if it wasn't having the desired effect. Then, when I was 22, I found myself in a relationship with a 42-year-old Alpha 2.0, and it really threw me for a loop. This guy didn't put up with ANY of it - he was like, "ok, you want to act like that, you can go do it somewhere else." I'd literally never experienced a man who put his foot down like that, and I think that helped me snap out of it and realize that I didn't want a relationship where either party was ordering the other around. I stayed single for almost four years after him, so it gave me plenty of time to work on getting my own life in order. I realized the ideal relationship for me is one where we each lead our own relatively separate lives, with neither one supporting or depending on the other. I am much happier, and that's what it's all about! By the way, I'm 30 now and have never been married, and also have never wanted marriage and/or kids. It seems like the majority of female commenters here feel the same ... hmm. I do agree that the women commenting here are different from most, and I like this blog because it gives men and women the opportunity to learn how each other thinks. Men and women ARE different, and I greatly appreciate that BD is respectful of women while still offering an honest perspective ... too many red pill blogs take a strongly negative (even hateful) attitude toward women, which I feel is totally unnecessary and gets in the way of what is often some good insights. I don't see any of that here, save for the random (usually one-time) commenter. So, that's why I read and comment here. 🙂

  • Trinity 2015-07-07 20:07:44

    @Amanda - fantastic and insightful reply! Thank you so much, that info helps.

  • Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-08 05:42:31

    Believe me, many women would be much bigger SlutsTM* if we could switch off our feelings the way guys do. More sex for everyone is always a good thing!
    Here's the problem: We already have women who are extremely sexually open minded and liberated. So the above seems like a worthless excuse to me. If all women were "pure" and "virginal," I would hate it, but I'd be more sympathetic to the above point of view - that women are this way because they are not like men and can't switch their feelings off as easily. But the more sexually enlightened women I sleep with, the more negative emotions I develop towards women who are prudish. After all, if these women can be open minded about sex without using the "I'm a woman who can't turn off her emotions" excuse, why can't other women? The existence of so called "sluts" has made me resent lots of women, but not in the way that they imagine. It has made me realize that women can be liberated, which makes the above quote an excuse to be used by cynical gold diggers who think that being equal to a man in bed is "cheap," thus justifying the female supremacist mindset that women generously "give" sex and men "receive" it. This female supremacist mindset, which is at war with sexual liberation, has nothing to do with women falling in love easier. Sexually liberated women have proven that that's just an excuse. Instead, it has to do with power over men through the suppression of female sexuality. This is why, like I said, the more I'm around sexual enlightened women, the stronger my negativity grows towards women who prefer to suppress their sexuality for power. So called "sluts" shed light on the dark natures of their less "slutty" sisters.  

  • Trinity 2015-07-08 05:59:54

    @ Jack - so are you saying that men and women, as a whole, are the same? That the same percentage of both genders find it equally easy to have sex without emotion? My question to BD was whether he had any advice for women specifically on how to avoid unwanted attachment after sex, given that he must associate with many women who can. I'm in fact trying to learn how to be more pleasing to men. Withholding sex isn't a strategy to gain power, it's a defence mechanism.

  • Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-08 06:51:49

    Withholding sex isn’t a strategy to gain power
    Are you kidding me? Have you never even been in the same room with a gold digger? Have you never seen women slut shame other women by referring to them being sexually equal with men as "cheap?" Have you never seen female slut shamers desire to be treated like princesses, pedestaled, and chivalrously attended to, unlike the supposed "cheap trash" that they are shaming? Have you never witnessed female slut shamers demanding free food, free drinks, or sometimes even rent money from the men they sleep with because "I'm not a cheap - equal to a man - slut?" Yes sweetie, non-sluts tend to be power hungry bigots who think equality between men and women is an insult to women. Sluts are the only women in the world who respect men as their equals.    

  • billyboy 2015-07-08 12:33:10

    Hmmm ... I'm not sure if this post applies to me, or not. I probably develop feelings for about half the women I sleep with. And by feelings, I mean I like them, their personality, and would like to hang out with them, outside of sex (but usually including it). And we probably end up doing cutesy shit like most people fucking end up doing. The other half, it's more like an insult --- like, you're unbearable to hang with, really, unless we're fucking.   I don't know ... there's a big difference between .... I kinda like you, and have minor romantic feelings that I'm not trying to stifle or suffocate .... and .... I'm infatuated with you, have oneitis, and can't stop thinking about you.   But yes, I'll admit, I haven't had a long term girlfriend in a while, so when I fuck a chick I think is cool, there is a bit of that 'experience' and feminine energy I enjoy outside of the sex. Probably trying to fulfill some additional needs in addition to purely sex.

  • Amanda 2015-07-08 12:54:09

    IMO there are several types of women who withhold sex. One type does it in hopes that the man will provide services or material items in exchange for sex - the gold-diggers, as Jack described. The other type withholds in hope of a relationship, after learning through trial and error or through others' experiences that there are many men who will NOT consider any type of relationship with a woman who has sex too soon (the definition of "too soon" varies depending on who you ask). Yes, I have known many guys who said this outright, as well as dated men who said how much they appreciated the fact that I waited ... one even said it cemented his decision to enter a relationship with me! Now, do all guys think this way? Of course not, but many/most betas do, which are the majority of men. For women who are seeking a relationship, then, it makes sense, numbers-wise, to wait, given the fact that there are more guys out there with this mindset than not. There is of course a third type of woman who withholds sex for religious/personal convictions (such as virginity until marriage), but I don't think the majority of guys here would be pursuing these women. 🙂 Actually, now that I think about it, types 1 and 2 listed above are both holding out in exchange for something - one for material goods, the other for a relationship. Understand that I don't actually believe this is the way it should be; just describing how women often see it as a conundrum and ask themselves: "what do I want more - instant gratification that might be a ONS, or delayed gratification in hopes of something more permanent"?

  • Andy 2015-07-08 14:33:06

    Whoa. The boxes concept just brought some clarity and warmth to my emotional situation. I believe I am lacking functioning sex boxes, have at least one (probably more) affection box, and at least one (if not more) love box that is a bit bruised up from a very unhealthy relationship years ago in which I was in love with a emotional wreck of a sexpot woman. You are right man and its obvious enough once you understand, that lacking sex boxes is a problem. Here's the low down. I am able to control my affections and am outcome independent. The good news is that I'm able to easily let women go when the relationship has come to its natural end.  Bad news is that women I meet, HAVE to meet my standards for an affectionate relationship (love is something they must earn and besides I need to patch up the love box a bit)  for me to feel comfortable pursuing her for sex in earnest. As the standards for affection boxes is higher than sex boxes, most women just do not meet them and I go sexless wayyyyy too long. Another way to look at this and something that effects how many women I bring into my life is that the women I meet are automatically unconsciously being pushed towards the affection box to see if they fit. The vibe would be very different if I was able to screen them for a place in my sex box meaning more women would be meeting the standards! And I bet you that the vibe for screening a woman for an affection box means that she unconsciously starts to see if I fit hers and thus now I'm held to a higher standard! So my situation is a bit different from what you describe. The issue is not that I get too attached to the women I have sex with, its that my emotions become too involved and ultimately screen out women who I feel no connection with or go after women I'm sexually attracted to with as much vigor as one of those claw prize machines. To remedy this and water my growing sex box, I'm going to look at the times I've had sex with women and had a less than affectionate relationship. I thought they were sexy and for some reason did not focus on the emotional disconnections we had and instead focused on the good chemistry we had (sexual, fun, light heartedness). I would say 2 girls fit the bill so if you have some advice that'd be cool. Don't have too much to work with here! You've really shed some light on something important here and I think being aware of it and "growing" some healthy sex boxes is going to have a huge and positive impact on my sex life. I owe you a beer.  

  • Wil 2015-07-08 16:45:11

    @BD So, does this apply to your "Lover guy" example in your previous post?

  • Blackdragon 2015-07-08 22:04:11

    Bad news is that women I meet, HAVE to meet my standards for an affectionate relationship (love is something they must earn and besides I need to patch up the love box a bit)  for me to feel comfortable pursuing her for sex in earnest. As the standards for affection boxes is higher than sex boxes, most women just do not meet them and I go sexless wayyyyy too long.
    Yep. That's bad. But at least you see why.
    the vibe would be very different if I was able to screen them for a place in my sex box meaning more women would be meeting the standards! And I bet you that the vibe for screening a woman for an affection box means that she unconsciously starts to see if I fit hers and thus now I’m held to a higher standard!
    That's exactly why I don't screen. Instead, I fuck everyone attractive and then watch them and see which box they put themselves into, based on their behavior.
    I owe you a beer.
    Thank you, but I don't drink. I'll settle for cash. 🙂
    does this apply to your “Lover guy” example in your previous post?
    Not sure what you mean. It applies to everyone.

  • Al 2015-07-08 22:28:36

    Yet another fascinating discussion. 🙂 The title of Blackdragon's blog is "Love Women While Staying Free". So, to me, it is implied that the women we love, have affection towards, or just have sex with should also be Happy and Free. Not dominated, controlled or treated as another notch on the bedpost. So to have the female input here is very welcome. To express a desire to have this as a "men only" zone is a bit Alpha 1.0. That said, I would never try to give a woman advice (or most men come to that.) But I will be open and honest with a woman when I first meet her. What she does with that information is entirely up to her and so it should be. As to the main subject, attraction is not accidental. So when I meet a woman to whom I am attracted (must be a personal 7 or higher) who is also intelligent, reasonably well placed financially and well presented, I find that my affection level becomes very high very quickly. This can lead me into trouble if I don't watch it. BUT the whole point of this blog to me is that it helps people to identify what it is that is happening to them when it happens. So, as with oneitis, all of this is not what you think or feel, but what you do. So, be aware of what you are doing and what is being done to you. There are three things that need to happen to deal with a potential problem in  any area of life. One, accept that there is a problem. Two, identify it and accept that it is your problem and no one else's. Three, deal with it or learn to live with it. I am a relatively recent convert to all of this. I am happier. The women in my life are happier! 😀

  • John 2015-07-09 12:44:45

    I absolutely love your stuff. I began reading the unchained man and a thought arise : do you really believe that sex is more important than health?

  • Val 2015-07-09 12:56:56

    Wow. Just wow. I have been trolling through your blog posts with absolute fascination. I am shocked at the sheer amount of males on here that agree with your point of view. Personally, I think you should rename your blog: "How to get laid without having to kill a bitch". A great deal of your ramblings represent a very serious problem called Narcissistic personality disorder, and hell, your writing is so damn cluster B, that I could almost classify it as Antisocial in nature. Fellas, this frame of mind is not healthy at all. There are NOT Alpha's and Beta's. This authors version of a 'Alpha" is a man that is suffering from a disorder that is not normal, nor is it healthy or acceptable. The universe does not revolve around you, your happiness, and your sexual needs. Loving your wife does not make you weak. Working on your relationship does not make you weak. Compromise does not make you weak. Treating women like any day is trash day does not make you an Alpha. Ignoring the needs of someone you love does not make you Alpha. In fact, your lack of ability to form a bond with another human being is disturbing. I have been fortunate enough to meet strong and admirable men that have been married a very long time. Good men....the Unicorns that supposedly do not exist. They may be rare, but they are out there. At any rate, I think that this author's work should be read as an example of what you do not want to be as a man. Bond's are important. Very important. Do you drop your children off at the adoption agency when you are forced to do something you don't want too, for their happiness? Do you shoot your dog when it pee's on the floor? Do you move out of your house rather than clean it? Life is about compromise; and it is about learning to accept that the world doesn't consist of just you. If you are in an abusive relationship, then for the love of pete, get out. If your wife is a monster, then leave. Be careful in your selection of a mate. Just because you had a bad relationship with one woman, does not mean that all women are like her. Humans are all unique. One last thought before I go. Monogamy is not unique to humans. There are many animal species that mate for life. Please do not buy into the BS that men have lots of sperm so that they can impregnate tons of women. Tell that to male swans 🙂

  • Blackdragon 2015-07-09 17:24:59

    do you really believe that sex is more important than health?
    No. I address that in the book. Go back and re-read. Health is probably the most important thing in life, and your good health should be maintained. However most people, particularly those under age 40, don't really have life-altering health problems. In other words, everyone's going to get enough food, water and oxygen no matter what, by default. They're not going to get money and sex by default.
    A great deal of your ramblings represent a very serious problem called Narcissistic personality disorder
    Go read this post about what it means when you use that word to describe someone on the internet you don't like. As such, this will be my only response to you unless you state an actual point (which you have not as of yet).
    Loving your wife does not make you weak. Working on your relationship does not make you weak. Compromise does not make you weak.
    Please tell me where I say men should not love their wives, or not work on their relationships, or never compromise.
    Treating women like any day is trash day does not make you an Alpha.
    Please tell me where I advise men to treat women like trash, but before you do, please go here and scroll down to the Haters Corner and read some of the posts I've written there. And lastly, please refrain from posting here again unless you have actual points to make, backed up by facts. This is a place for rational people to discuss real issues, not make emotional rants. Thanks in advance.

  • Stephen 2015-07-09 17:41:26

    Val appears to think that if men don't find monogamy rewarding or desirable they are "unhealthy" and "narcissistic". I am sure plantation owners thought runaway blacks were uppity too. Thankfully, men who practice polyamory and live satisfying lives are not at the mercy of Val's thoughts and feelings. I do get the impression that is the response of women who feel entitled to a monogamous relationship and a husband's salary and think a man should be forced to make a legal commitment to tiresome restricted sex and relationships. Men, love whoever and how many women you want and don't let the monogamous try to shame you out of your piece of happiness.

  • Al 2015-07-09 20:37:47

    @ Val

    Tell that to male swans
    IF, and it is not proven, male swans mate for life, perhaps it is because the female swan doesn't give him drama, require him to be a provider and doesn't require expensive dinners before sex will take place. 😀

  • Stephen 2015-07-10 02:42:55

    Swans are not monogamous: . The truth is someone who advocates monogamy because they feel it is in their own best interest at the expense of men's happiness and freedom is the real narcissist.

  • TE 2015-07-10 03:45:49

    Aanddd, a drive-by hater strikes again... Now, back to your regularly scheduled BD programming 😉

  • Eric Shipe 2015-07-10 06:20:21

    Caleb, Here's another flawed study regarding sex and happiness. These people are morons. They forced married people to have sex. Of course that's gong to make them unhappy.

  • Val 2015-07-10 08:28:38

    Just because someone has a different point of view does not make them a 'hater'. I have no problem with men that do not seek commitment or marriage. I do not have a problem with polygamy. To each his own. What would be interesting, is if you wrote a piece on mental illness and sex. Why? Because many many men on this blog (and in real life) seem to be describing their miserable experience with one, or two different kind of women. The type of woman that they describe are the absolute monsters of women. The kind of women that suffer from Borderline and Histronic personality disorders. Borderlines are the most damaging of the two, and they represent up to 10% of the female population. On top of the large percentages of these women, you, as a single male, are going to encounter them far more than the 10%. Why? Because they know how to get you, that's why. When on the hunt, they are on their best game. Beautiful, charming, and everything a man want's (especially physically) in a woman. They are a nightmare. As far as calling you a Narcissist; it is not because I am falling back on name calling and hating. It is because Borderline women are drawn to Narcissist men; Alpha males, the ones that are in 'charge' by golly george. I fear that far too many of you readers have been victims of severely mentally ill women, and you paint the entire gender with that brush. Now, let it be noted, that childhood sexual abuse is the major factor in forming personality disorders. With statistics saying that 1 in 7 girls have been, or will be sexually abused; why do you think that the numbers of mentally unbalanced women are so high?  

  • SM 2015-07-10 10:31:03

    @Val: The DSM specifically states unhappiness as a requirement for narcissistic personality disorder, among other traits. Since people like BD and I are consistently happy with our lives, we therefore are not suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. It's as simple as that.

  • Val 2015-07-10 11:02:32

    The DSM does not recognize happiness as a requirement. There are nine criteria, of which, an individual must exhibit behaviors of at least five. The one that is striking is this one:         Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain   The first criteria that must be met for ANY PD is this: A. An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. This pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following areas: 1. Cognition (i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people and events) 2. Affectivity (i.e., the range, intensity, liability, and appropriateness of emotional response) 3. Interpersonal functioning 4. Impulse control Would it be fair to say that American culture recognizes the importance of marriage and monogamy? To be clear here, I am not being an antagonist. I am genuinely curious to all of your thought processes.

  • Stephen 2015-07-10 11:10:08

    I was told the exact same thing that SM notes as a college undergraduatate: unless someone is unhappy with their particular personality and preferences they are simply not warrant psychiatric treatment. Trying to pathologize other people's personalities and preferences is simply a form of ad hominem attack. (That's crazy! LOL!) Also, I don't think anyone here dislikes promiscuous women. I think Val has confused this site with Dalrock or The Spearhead. BD and his audience simply reject monogamy and contractual marriage. Far more men then has been honestly acknowledged find happiness in promiscuity and polyamory and would find monogamy a worthless oppression. Telling a high sex drive person who is content that they should want monogamy is like telling a gay man that he should want women. It reeks of fear and lack of understanding that other people can have different biologies and psychologies and not be unhappy. When I hear proclamations that the unconventional must be deranged, I begin to suspect that those making these statements would love to use state power to persecute those innately different then themselves. Perhaps monogamists should keep their opinions to themselves.

  • Stephen 2015-07-10 11:19:52

    "Would it be fair to say that American culture recognizes the importance of marriage and monogamy?" American culture values the pursuit of happiness over marriage and monogamy. 🙂

  • Val 2015-07-10 11:30:18

    Touche, Stephen 🙂  

  • Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-10 17:16:05

    A. An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture.
    In other words, you are mentally ill if you're not a sheep! This is chilling! Yet another nail in the coffin of psychiatry! I have always suspected that psychiatry is all about preventing future political revolutions or shifts in collective consciousness. And there it is! If you're a genius, you're sick. If you're gay, you're sick. If you're different, you're sick. The word "totalitarian" comes to mind when describing the mental health field.

  • Al 2015-07-10 23:07:00

    @ Val You don't mention your own status; married, divorced (one or more times) or just generally angry. You don't seem very happy.

    I fear that far too many of you readers have been victims of severely mentally ill women, and you paint the entire gender with that brush.
    I don't see people here painting either gender with any sort of brush. You seem to have missed the point, as do many new readers, who react rather than respond, to what they don't want to see at first reading. The whole point of this blog is to educate both men and women to the point where they can both be free and happy. So that they can escape from the created, false, societal norms that continually drive failure after failure in relationships. I had one, short marriage in my twenties. I have been single for 35 years. I haven't had countless women but I have had lots of sex with a few women. These wonderful creatures come and go as they please. Some return, some do not (though most do). They are happy. They are not tied down. There is no control going on here, other than self control. These ladies fit into three categories (actually THEY fit themselves into those categories) love, affection, sex. How many people do you see walking down the street with a smile on their face?

  • Wil 2015-07-11 07:41:00

    The DSM does not recognize happiness as a requirement.
    I don't think the DSM should be taken with anything but a grain of salt. Here, check out this documentary on Psychiatry as a profession.

  • Amanda 2015-07-11 14:53:56

    Yes, the field of psychiatry can certainly be imprecise and affected by a number of factors unrelated to a true disorder. As an example, I was diagnosed in my late teens with bipolar disorder Type 2, depression and ADHD. After being on meds for a few years (fortunately nothing very strong), my new psychiatrist grew concerned that I had been misdiagnosed, and the problems I had been having years ago really stemmed from normal adolescent rebellion combined with the excessive partying I was doing at the time. She took me off everything five years ago, and there has been no change in my personality, so she was right. I was lucky to have an honest psychiatrist, but many people are misdiagnosed and stay on unnecessary meds for many years. Of course, some people truly do need meds to function, but I just think psychiatric disorders can be overdiagnosed, especially in young people whose brains are still developing.

  • J.G 2015-07-13 04:30:31

    (English is not my main language). So, one should avoid doing "boyfriendy stuff" with women you date. But being a chump I have problems discerning between just being friendly and generally helping out with advice and being to much of the boy friend kind. Is there a Golden Rule, or some guidelines to follow. Because it is hard to not being friendly. Like this moment, I was browsing some new job ads, and found one the would fit the girl I just started dating, and I am not sure if I can suggest it to her, or if she will get the wrong impression?

  • Blackdragon 2015-07-13 17:49:47

    So, one should avoid doing “boyfriendy stuff” with women you date.
    If she's an FB or MLTR, yes. If she's a long-term OLTR, some boyfriendish stuff is okay.
    Is there a Golden Rule, or some guidelines to follow. Because it is hard to not being friendly.
    There is no Golden Rule that encompasses all of it, but if I had to give you one, it would be: Would you do this with one of your guy buddies? Not your best friend, but one of your normal your buds? Would you recommend a job to a guy buddy? Yes. Then it's probably okay to do that to a woman. Would you tell your guy buddy he looked hot? No? Then not a good idea for a girl. Would you buy your guy buddy a one-on-one dinner at a nice, romantic restaurant when no "occasion" was involved? No? Then not a good idea for a girl. Etc.  

  • POB 2015-07-14 09:34:34

    And lastly, please refrain from posting here again unless you have actual points to make, backed up by facts. This is a place for rational people to discuss real issues, not make emotional rants. Thanks in advance.
    And people call you harsh SMH.

  • J.G 2015-07-14 12:13:56

    Thanks BD! That is actually an easy rule to follow. I get the gist of it! Thank you for an excellent blog, and readable books.

  • Mr Narcisist 2016-08-18 08:33:26

    If you PRETEND you're in love during sex, the woman will respond to it.

  • Jason Chavez 2016-10-24 06:09:40

    Comment deleted for violation of Rule Number One.