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It is commonly accepted that the true Alpha Male must learn to deal with and tolerate occasional bouts of loneliness. Guys like Franco and others talk about how being an Alpha “is a lonely business.” Other guys like Roosh regularly report regular stints of dealing with loneliness. Guys on blogs, forums, and in my own email often describe long dry spells where they don’t date or have sex with anyone. Other guys often report to me about how they’re only having one night stands or FBs and nothing else, and how lonely this makes them feel.
-By Caleb Jones
So are you doomed to have to forever put up with being lonely from time to time if you choose this lifestyle? No. Does this mean if you just do certain things you’ll never be lonely? Also no. The situation is a little more complicated.
I would love to tell you that the reason I haven’t felt loneliness in so long is because I’m some kind of super self-aware badass who does all the right things. I’d love to tell you that, but I can’t. That’s part of the reason, but not the entire reason. There are two reasons why I haven’t felt lonely while other Alphas often do:
1. I have an introverted, self-entertaining personality that really enjoys being alone. Yes, I’m still a human being and still crave human contact and connection just like everyone else, but my threshold tolerance for loneliness is higher than most other personality types.
I didn’t hone this or practice this. It has nothing to do with skill or ability. It’s just a personality trait I was born with. I lucked out there.
2. This next reason is because of skill and self-awareness. I have purposely and consciously structured a lifestyle where I am never lonely. I always have regular, ongoing relationships with FBs and MLTRs, and often either a high-end MLTR or OLTR whom I really like and who at least feels like a girlfriend. But even when I don’t have this person (and often I don’t) I’m still not lonely, or even close.
This is very different from the monogamy guy, who will usually reach the point where he feels either bored, trapped, or resentful, as well as the player one night stand guy, who will always have to put up with loneliness and dry spells. I don’t have dry spells or loneliness, literally never. My system ensures I don’t. I’ve discussed this in more detail here and here.
Every man whom I have ever seen (or read about) who experiences loneliness has the inverse of one or both of the above items. I shall explain each and how to overcome them. How To Manage Personality Types More Conducive To Loneliness
Some men have more emotional personality types than others. Guys on the higher end of the emotional scale tend to feel a larger range of feelings (both good and bad), feel happy feelings more easily, and feel bad feelings more easily. These men need more consistent and personal human contact than men like myself who are on the lower ends of the emotional scale.
A second scale is how extroverted or social you are. If you’re on the higher end of this scale, you tend to talk more often, hang out with people more often, talk with people on the phone more often, leap into serious or pair-bonded relationships faster, have more friends, and spend time with people more often.
As I always have to when I discuss topics like this, I need to clearly state that where you fall on the scale is not good or bad. There are strong advantages to being on the high end of the emotional scale or the social scale. For most of my life I have envied men who had the natural social skills that I had to work on for decades to master. My son, for example, is high on both of these scales, and he’s one of the most charismatic men I’ve ever known. At age 6 he already had the same social skills it took me literally 30 years to acquire. I was amazed. High-emotion / high-social guys can pull off some really amazing things that guys like me can’t (or at least can’t without years of work and practice).
So please don’t think I’m saying men who are high on these scales are somehow “worse” than men like me who are lower on these scales. As with all personality types and traits, there are always pros and cons to both sets of extremes. So today we’re talking about loneliness, and in that respect you need to understand and accept that if you are on the high ends of the emotional scale or the social scale, one of the “cons” of your personality type is that you are more susceptible to feeling lonely.
Just being aware of this gives you the edge. Most men who are like this have no idea they have this problem, and go through life suffering loneliness for reasons they don’t understand. Your job is to be aware of this weakness, and do your best to manage it and mitigate it in your life as best you can for maximum, long-term happiness.
Genetically, I have a very bad, very slow metabolism. It really sucks. It’s something I’ve had to wrestle with my entire life. More importantly, it’s something I’m going to have to mange for the rest of my life, whether I want to or not, if I want to live a life of long-term consistent happiness. Yet as I write these words, I am the skinniest (or should I say, least chubby) I’ve ever been in my adult life. This is because:
1. I identified the problem and admitted it was a weakness I had, even if my manly-man ego didn’t want to.
2. I made a solemn pact with myself that I would take the time, effort, and if necessary, money, to combat and reduce this weakness as best I could, since my goal is to live a long and happy life.
3. I followed through on my promise to myself, even on days when I didn't feel like it.
4. I realized that this was a problem I would have to manage literally for the rest of my life. It’s not the kind of problem I can address once and it goes away.
If you are higher on the emotional or social scales, you need to do the exact same thing in terms of your susceptibility to loneliness. Admit you have this weakness, take the time and effort to address it so you can live a happy life, and realize you’ll have to manage this for the rest of your life. (If you want to be happy, that is. If you’re a drama-lover or don't consider your own happiness as your highest priority, then you can stop reading my stuff right now.)
Be aware, and address it. How do you address it? This leads us into the second thing you need to do.
Live A Lifestyle That Is Not Conducive To Loneliness
The second reason I haven’t felt lonely in about 15 years is because I purposely live a lifestyle that is not conducive to loneliness entering into the equation. One of the many benefits of living the Alpha Male 2.0 lifestyle is that loneliness isn’t part of the system. That’s something monogamous men or player men have to deal with, not open/poly men (unless they’re doing things wrong).
Let’s look at the last two times I remember feeling lonely. The last time was when I was a married, monogamous, family-man beta male. I remember being in my house while the wife was away and the kids were at school. I wasn’t miserable in my marriage, but I felt trapped in a scenario where I couldn’t feel as happy as I wanted to be. I was with a woman I loved, but I felt like I didn’t have the joyous connection with a woman I could truly feel. I felt lonely. Very lonely.
As I talked about above, I’m a happy guy, on the low ends of the emotional and social scales, so I bounced back from this feeling pretty quickly. But the point is I felt it, even though I was in a serious relationship with a woman I cared for.
People often assume that as long as you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse or whatever, you won’t ever feel lonely. This is false Societal Programming. I have known many people in serious, pair-bonded relationships who felt quite lonely.
The other times I felt lonely were the more obvious ones. These were when I was a very young man, way before I was married, when I was single and truly alone. I didn’t feel lonely very often, but there were times I did feel it.
In both scenarios, I was living a lifestyle conducive to loneliness. Every time you feel lonely, or any time you see someone else complaining about loneliness, I promise you that person is either:
1. Monogamous or strongly wants to be monogamous.
2. Single and completely alone.
3. A player who sometimes is having lots of sex, but other times is going through dry spells.
4. An extreme Thrill of the Hunt guy who avoids any relationships (or is incapable of relationships) that last longer than about a month or two.
I don’t live any of those lifestyles, because none of those lifestyles are long-term sustainable, nor conducive for long-term consistent happiness. If you get monogamous, you’re going to eventually cheat or break up / get divorced. Even if you don’t, odds are you’re in for some problems that will make you less happy and possibly lonely. If you’re single and completely alone, obviously you’ll be lonely there as well. If you’re a player who gets laid a lot but doesn’t have any long-term relationships, often you’ll be very happy sometimes, lonely other times. It can’t not happen unless you're a rare exception to the rule.
I have multiple, long-term, nonmonogamous relationships. Some are serious, some are casual, sometimes one is super serious, but all of them are ongoing and make me feel very happy. I get plenty of sex and sexual variety, at all times, literally whenever I want. I don’t have dry spells and literally have never had one. I get plenty of connection and, if I want it, love. I am literally never alone unless I choose to be.
My lifestyle, while not perfect (no lifestyle choice is), is structured to reduce loneliness to its absolute minimums at all times. If you don’t want to feel lonely, you need to structure a lifestyle where loneliness doesn’t happen. You can use mine as a proven example, or come up with something else on your own.
What you don’t want to do is automatically go along with the standard societal structures which are conducive to loneliness (monogamy, being a player, etc).
What Loneliness Is and Is Not
We need to clarify what loneliness is. Just because I’m never lonely doesn’t mean I never feel dissatisfied or possibly have other negative emotions in my personal life. I’m a human being and a little of this is unavoidable no matter how good you are at making yourself long-term consistently happy. The issue is whether or not these feelings are loneliness or something else.
The definition of the word loneliness is “sad from being apart from other people” or “sad from being alone,” i.e. not with a special someone of the opposite sex. You could have lots of friends, and even get laid a lot, but still be single (more or less) and feel alone because you lack that connection.
I don't ever feel this emotion. Haven’t in about 15 years.
But what I have felt before is a dissatisfaction that my relationships, or perhaps a certain relationship, isn’t exactly what I want, and a strong desire for something I don’t have, at least at the moment. I haven’t felt this way in quite a while, but I admit I’ve had this feeling.
But this feeling still isn’t loneliness. So just because you feel a sense of frustration or dissatisfaction in your relationship(s) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. I think people, and men in particular, misread their own emotions something and assign this label of “loneliness” to a feeling that is not.
Another feeling that is not loneliness is unrequited love or unrequited oneitis, when you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. This may feel like loneliness, but it’s not. It’s oneitis and neediness (which are also very bad and something you need to work on managing and/or avoiding, as I’ve discussed before).
As always, everything in your life is your fault, so if you ever feel loneliness, you have only one person to blame, and there’s literally only one person who can fix it. It’s that guy in the mirror.
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Blackdragon 2016-01-21 10:52:21
Is it wrong if you verbalize the once a week rule in a nice way?No, that's fine.
hey hey 2016-01-21 08:21:37
Is it wrong if you verbalize the once a week rule in a nice way? For example: "Honey I'm busy almost every day and I can meet you these days". Or is it something you have to show them non verbally?
Blackdragon 2016-01-09 10:48:58
How is that possible while seeing a woman at most once a week?Because that once a week visit, for a high-end relationship, could be 48 hours or longer. Also, the once-a-week limitation doesn't apply to OLTR, just FBs and MLTRs. (Though I've only had one OLTR.)
Greg 2016-01-09 09:06:11
"I have multiple, long-term, nonmonogamous relationships. Some are serious, some are casual, sometimes one is super serious, but all of them are ongoing and make me feel very happy. I get plenty of sex and sexual variety, at all times, literally whenever I want. I don’t have dry spells and literally have never had one. I get plenty of connection and, if I want it, love. I am literally never alone unless I choose to be." How is that possible while seeing a woman at most once a week?
King T. 2016-01-05 05:06:48
Let's try flushing out my thoughts on why. Alpha male: he's cool with tons of ugly, fat female friends who want him? No. he wants a chubby female to be his girl? No cause he requires she look decent before anything else he is in constant need of validating attention? Nope 25+yr old female attention whore: she's cool with tons of beta guy friends who want to fuck her? Yes she wants a skinny beta male to be her mate? Yes cause she value his beta personality over his looks she is in constant need to be validated and attention? Hells yes And there lies the answer. Alpha and beta guys are usually fit. Pretty girls and ugly girls. If all girls were in acceptable physical shape ala most guys, then the alpha male could live a life equivalent to the female attention whore. But girls dont care to exercise, and guys dont care to be attention whoring 24/7.
Elkay Mann 2016-01-05 03:37:18
WOW. I think exactly the same: We come here alone, and we leave alone. About women behaviour, he says "don't hate them", he isn't saying "it's ok because that's their nature". IRL it doesn't matter if they are or aren't justified, what you should avoid is letting facts affect your mood or frame.
anon 2016-01-05 03:27:59
Comment deleted. The topics of free will, determinism, and nihilism are officially off-topic for this blog. Please refer to this post for more information.
Anon 2016-01-04 09:00:07
This is an amazing quote Carmichael thank you... "I don’t think a lot of people understand that to be truly happy, you need to be alone and lonely at times in your life. To figure out who you are and where you need to self invest to become an independent person. With Facebook and every other Societal Programmed Mass-Distraction Device out there, it is a constant clusterfuck of FOMO which feeds on Negative Human Emotions that are talked about on this blog. Especially the Churn of Relationships"
Blackdragon 2016-01-03 12:29:17
Also, Brad Pitt’s SMV is so high that he could bang any woman on the face of the planet.For the record, I don't consider Brad Pitt an Alpha any more. In every interview I've seen with him and Angelina, she looks like she wears the pants and he looks pretty whipped. Just because a guy is good looking or famous doesn't mean he's Alpha. (Though he was probably Alpha on the way up to that condition.)
Is he really being a beta in Alpha 2.0 clothing in a monogamous relationship until he cheats? If so, this is really ground breaking to point that you could be more free than a A-List International Superstar!For the second time, the answer is no. Pure Alpha Males can be monogamous...for a while. Alpha 1.0s go mono all the time...for a while, until they cheat or next. Alpha 2.0s could go monogamous (temporarily of course) if they thought it was a good idea but prefer not to.
Carmichael Red 2016-01-03 12:24:07
Also this post really does prove Ashley Madison's Business Model. A lotta Lonely Alpha 1.0s out there. BD is seriously on to something.
Carmichael Red 2016-01-03 12:17:54
Interesting back and forth between BD and Dom. I thought about this in the car. How many perceived Alphas in Popular Culture I have grown up to Envy because they are banging and married to the hottest woman in their field. BD, if Dom was Brad Pitt saying same rhetoric. He is considered an Alpha man. Is he really Alpha? The only Alpha 2.0 that comes to mind is Derek Jeter. Also, Brad Pitt's SMV is so high that he could bang any woman on the face of the planet. So if he's lets say a 1.0. Is he really being a beta in Alpha 2.0 clothing in a monogamous relationship until he cheats? If so, this is really ground breaking to point that you could be more free than a A-List International Superstar!
Blackdragon 2016-01-02 21:54:42
You pretty much put him in a cornerYes. Because I'm right. He said he's a "total Alpha" but he hasn't fucked any other woman for 13 years. That doesn't square. He could be very Alpha for a monogamous married guy; that's entirely possible. But a total Alpha, when married, is going to eventually fuck other women, either by cheating on the wife (which is bad) or by opening up the marriage (which is good).
Ever think there are actually Alphas that are capable and want to exclusively love a woman and be loved.For several years, sure. For 13 years? A total Alpha only wanting to fuck one woman for 13 years? No.
Why is that so threatening to you BDIf I felt threatened I would get very angry, delete his posts, ban him from this blog, and make an announcement that monogamous men couldn't post on this blog any more. Other bloggers do this kind of thing all the time, yet I have done none of these things with him, nor will I. Dom (and you) can post here as much as he likes and can disagree with me all he likes (as long you and he follow the rules here).
And I AGREE, he may be totally rolling the dice and betting against the house. More power to him if his bet pays off and that’s his sober, knowing choice – full reflection and disclosure. I don’t see that disqualifies him as an AlphaGetting married or monogamous doesn't disqualify him from being an Alpha. Millions of Alphas do that every day. My issue with him was: 1. He said he was not only Alpha, but total Alpha, yet he hasn't fucked any other women in 13 years. I'm sorry, but that is not Alpha. To repeat: getting monogamous can be Alpha, and getting married can be Alpha, but only fucking one woman for 13 years is not Alpha (regardless of love or marital status). 2. He's comments both here and in other threads he's commented in recently make him seem extremely defensive about his Alpha status. A total Alpha wouldn't give a shit about what I think of his Alpha status.
David Warangel 2016-01-02 21:24:05
Jesus Blackdragon how about you realize you attacked Dom first with the - you’d have to explain why you haven’t taken the opportunity to fuck other hot babes in the last few years. (And don’t say “Because I didn’t want to,” because we both know that’s not true). You pretty much put him in a corner, taking away an option for answering and insulting his integrity if that was the option he wanted. . . but sure, why, the hell would anyone act indignant and defensive at that. Ever think there are actually Alphas that are capable and want to exclusively love a woman and be loved. You seriously think there's NEVER been a marriage where two people??? Seriously never? I am not saying its the majority let alone rule, just saying, really NEVER? And really, you can not allow any exceptions in your smug sense that you got the world and everyone figured out? That to me is defensive, non-Alpha behavior. Dom feels that way AND he makes the choice willingly, accepting all the risks and warnings and knowledge of the rules you are so 100% sure and cocky about . . . BUT STILL CHOOSES to put himself at risk for what he wants . . . then to me that's every an Alpha decision or at least one that a man should not be disrespected for but sure, can say . . .okay, don't say I didn't tell you so. Why is that so threatening to you BD . . . the idea that sometimes the way you think you got people figured is not 100% correct to each of the six billion people on the planet now and what you think, tens, hundreds of billions over time? And I AGREE, he may be totally rolling the dice and betting against the house. More power to him if his bet pays off and that's his sober, knowing choice - full reflection and disclosure. I don't see that disqualifies him as an Alpha as all unless you have ridiculously defined Alpha that regardless of everyone other thing the person does that's Alpha, they are disqualified if they don't share your disdain for monogamous commitment and disdain for the idea of cherishing one person or the idea of loyalty and that one's word is their bond (and they are willing to risk the cost of it).
Blackdragon 2016-01-01 00:39:47
Jesus dude. An Alpha certainly isn't this defensive about his marriage and talking about how Alpha he is. Relax.
Dom 2015-12-31 23:18:12
I can do just about anything I want. No I can not fuck hot babes... By the way my wife is a very so called hot babe. So I fuck her every way from sideways. But that's less about being a Alpha and far more about what I entered into as a marriage and family. Just because I do not or are not allowed to continue to bed other women doesn't make me beta. Or less Alpha. There is LOTS no 99% more to being a Alpha. I have societal boundaries I keep with that gives me rules. That has lots more to do with me being a father. I am Aplha I guess you can call me more Alpha 1.0 if you want but I am a Alpha that wanted children and family. Also met a women almost seemingly not of this earth. My point is you can be Alpha and married and even loyal. It is rare but most surly does exist. And it can be very healthy and happy. Being Alpha isn't all about sex. It's about a way of doing buisness.
Blackdragon 2015-12-31 16:56:54
My relationship with my wife sure is not a beta one.Can you do whatever you want without checking in with your wife? If the answer is no, then your marriage is beta to some degree, regardless of how Alpha you "feel." If the answer is yes, then you'd have to explain why you haven't taken the opportunity to fuck other hot babes in the last few years. (And don't say "Because I didn't want to," because we both know that's not true).
Dom 2015-12-31 15:06:22
I am total Alpha and after reading this am starting to get some things about myself. I am very much Alpha but would rank very very high on the EQ the emotional intelligence scale. Lots of personality very tuned into the human condition. It has made me a very good living in sales. I always wondered if I am this Alpha why am I so happy in a relationship? Why have I been married for 13 years with the same woman for 16 and still very happy? Why have I been so loyal to my wife? I have had so many chances to be with very sexy women. All women who did not care I was married and would have been happy to just bang. This is a natural occurrence for a Alpha especially if you are a good looking Alpha. Lots of women will be fine with just getting nailed hard by your Alpha penis. Married or not does not matter. But I do not. Never have. And it's not hard for me to not. I have never been lonely in my marriage. Yeah we have had harder times but still I don't know how to define it we still always had a like strong bond. My wife is a sub with high sex drive and very confident about who she is and very attractive. So I wonder if I am Alpha why am I so happy with being with one woman? Married? Is it because I am high on the EQ scale or is it my wife? Did I just get really lucky and find my exact match in life? Or a combo of these things? If your Alpha and married does that make you a little beta? I sure as heck don't act like or feel like a beta. My relationship with my wife sure is not a beta one.
Blackdragon 2015-12-30 13:18:53
You didn’t mention what steps someone should take when he experiences that sense of frustration or dissatisfaction in his relationship(s) that is confused with loneliness. Shouldn’t he hard next and replace his MLTR/FB with someone else more compatible? Or should he stay and familiarize with that feeling at any cost?That's not a question that can be answered in a general context; I'd have to know more about the specific scenario. But to give a very general answer, generally if you're feeling these kinds of feelings over and over again, you're probably with the wrong person. You need to downgrade her to an FB and find someone else more compatible with your emotional needs. (Again, this isn't always the case.)
I have found that Oneitis/Monogamous LTRs incinerate friendships and meaningful platonic relationships. The reason I was forced to learn how to become introverted despite my outgoing personality was due to most of my former friends falling into the black hole of one girl.Correct. This is one of the reasons why monogamy often creates loneliness. The stereotype of the guy (or girl) losing all of his/her friends when they get into a serious mono relationship is an old hat; it's nothing new. The problem is, when you have oneitis, you don't care if you're slowly alienating all of your friends and acquaintances out of your life...until you break up and it's too late.
Chris Rock said it best. “Married and Bored or Single and Lonely” But, BD is a game changer.Yeah, as smart as he is he's been brainwashed like everyone else and is quoting false Societal Programming. I've addressed the single-or-married falsehood here.
Fraser Orr 2015-12-30 07:49:43
I think the word "introvert" has got a really bad rap. The literal meaning of the word is "to turn inward" as "extrovert" means "to turn outward". The defining characteristic is where the person gets their energy. I used to have a business partner who was the most extroverted person you could imagine, in fact he was almost a stereotype of extrovertedness. I used to travel with him quite a bit and one of the things that amazed me about him was his total inability to be alone. We would get to a hotel and I'd want to sit down in my room, chill, check emails, relax a little before hitting the bar or restaurant or customer meeting. He just couldn't do that. I'd be in my room five minutes and he'd be calling me -- where do you want to go? Let's leave in ten minutes... etc. etc. He had to get out and connect with people right away. He just couldn't bear to be alone. But when he was with people he was the life of the party. See his energy came from other people, from the dynamics of the interaction, whereas my energy always came from inside. I am really good with people too, however, I find it draining. I can do the frat boy lets have fun thing, but after a few hours I need some time alone to recharge. He was the opposite, spending time with people recharged him. He could do it for hours. So introvert is really a very positive thing. It is a person who can self energize. There are pros and cons to both, but the stereotype that introverts are pathetic wallflowers, or shy, or social deficient is totally wrong. It is about where you get your energy.
Anthony 2015-12-29 23:55:42
Loneliness? Inheriting my grandmother's estate in April will provide me with all the company I need. Time to hit up Tokyo and Dubai. 🙂
Carmichael Red 2015-12-29 10:26:42
I find it fascinating how people admit they are lonely in a relationship. In my early 20s I was rampant on getting a girlfriend. Fortunately, I didn't get what I wanted and forced to survive by creating and crafting my own life. I have found that Oneitis/Monogamous LTRs incinerate friendships and meaningful platonic relationships. The reason I was forced to learn how to become introverted despite my outgoing personality was due to most of my former friends falling into the black hole of one girl. I was talking to a co-worker about achievement while being single vs. of the rest of the serial monogampreneurs. My biggest fear, and still is, isn't being alone or lonely, but what I have to show for all the free-time I have to make money, get fit, create value for customers and develop meaningful relationships The standards and metrics for mono and poly relationships must be measured differently. Monogamers are not in it for achievement nor freedom. Most of them have it backwards. They sacrifice their long-term goals that could grant them freedom for temporary, hallucinogenic, emotional feelings that result in regret and massive loneliness from being unfulfilled in the prime of their life. Also, PUA, Manosphere, Elite-Daily, Cosmo culture doesn't cure but fuels these inflated and empty experiences. Chris Rock said it best. "Married and Bored or Single and Lonely" But, BD is a game changer. I think you can be Married, Bored, Single AND Lonely at the same time in a monogamous relationship by judging and reading the responses on this post. A great point was made when BD said that Alpha 1.0s who slay women and eventually settle down into monogamy. I think this is the sign of severe latent loneliness. The PUAs have no self-awareness during the thrill of the hunt. Meaningless Sex Masquerading as Meaningful Sex is Evil (and vice-versa). So they substitute Mindful OLTR Sex with an LTR assuming that The One That Understands Them will cure their hidden inner Loneliness. The Difference between an LTR and an OLTR is that you are open to growing, expanding and even inspiring your lover while both having Peace of Mind to further grow, expand and inspire. A proper OLTR is a pure profit machine that brings qualified leads that saves you time and minimizes stress so you can create value for others than an LTR that isolates and attracts massive financial and psychological debt. -CM
Minister 2015-12-29 08:01:49
Great article! You didn't mention what steps someone should take when he experiences that sense of frustration or dissatisfaction in his relationship(s) that is confused with loneliness. Shouldn't he hard next and replace his MLTR/FB with someone else more compatible? Or should he stay and familiarize with that feeling at any cost?
Blackdragon 2015-12-28 13:37:39
This is why I believe hardcore player types do the 180 and get full on monogamous. They keep having un-fulfilling ONS’s and then struggle with the loneliness.Agree. When you live one out-of-balance extreme, you tend to retreat to the other extreme.
In every serious, monogamous relationship I’ve been in, I’ve always felt more lonely than ever compared to spinning plates.Me too. But this is very hard to explain to people.
George Orwell called this GroupThink. Personally, I am an Extrovert, ENFP (Thanks to the BD Podcast). But have learned to operate like an Introvert in my spare time.I think one of the primary keys to happiness is to be able to exhibit, and be comfortable with, the behaviors of your opposite personality style. In other words, introverts must learn to be "high functioning introverts" and be able to be very social and converse with others in social settings for long stretches and not feel uncomfortable at all. At the same time, extroverts must learn to completely and totally alone, all by themselves (both literally and in terms of relationships), with no communication or interaction with other humans for long stretches, and be 100%, completely okay with it. Both of these things take work, often years of work, but I think they're critical to long-term happiness.
Carmichael Reid 2015-12-28 12:10:26
First Time Comment. I Would Like To Say This Is The Best Site For Men. I Would Share This With The People I Know. But Men Don't Listen. I think Loneliness is precursor to Independence. BD and most of you have felt loneliness in crowds or in relationships. Earl Nightengale said "If you don't know what you're doing, do the opposite of what everyone else is doing." I go out with people I've played hockey with, shoot the shit with people at the gym and come home feeling like I'm the odd man out. While they talk to each other like they are brothers from different mothers. When this is further from the truth. Society breeds and encourages lies to be believed and one of the biggest lies out there is Power in Numbers. It is much easier to go out in the world with everyone agreeing with you than stand on your own two feet and have an opinion of your own. George Orwell called this GroupThink. Personally, I am an Extrovert, ENFP (Thanks to the BD Podcast). But have learned to operate like an Introvert in my spare time. I don't think a lot of people understand that to be truly happy, you need to be alone and lonely at times in your life. To figure out who you are and where you need to self invest to become an independent person. With Facebook and every other Societal Programmed Mass-Distraction Device out there, it is a constant clusterfuck of FOMO which feeds on Negative Human Emotions that are talked about on this blog. Especially the Churn of Relationships. Loneliness, Aloneness are Actions and Thoughts That Can Produce Destructive Behavior (Public Shootings) or Productive Behavior (Great Leaders). The Same could be said, even more so with Group-Minded People (Army vs ISIS). Personally, my friend joined ISIS. He was an extremely extroverted, Popular guy who seriously needed some alone "me" time. He got dumped by a girl and got into drugs and took up Islam boarded a flight to Syria with his Brother and died... True Story. Anyways, BD, Thanks to This Site I No Longer Feel Like I'm The Only One Thinking and Living The Truth. CM
Kyle 2015-12-28 08:15:06
I'd throw my two cents of experience in. In every serious, monogamous relationship I've been in, I've always felt more lonely than ever compared to spinning plates. It's the cycle of things. The further she drags you into shackled purgatory, the further away you slip from your friends - and this results in more loneliness than when you're non-monogamous and far more likely to spend time with old friends, make new ones, etc.
CrabRangoon 2015-12-28 07:49:09
Great post! I identify with you in that I'm also an introverted guy and my alone time is very important to me. I'm either an INTJ or INTP, can't recall exactly. I also rarely feel "lonely" since I relish my "me time"and have a few close friendships and a couple MLTR's going at the moment(with the occasional FB thrown in for fun). This lifestyle does keep the loneliness at bay big time. But as you stated, being the personality types that we are helps a great deal. I know many extroverted types that cannot be by themselves and immediately get depressed if they are alone for any length of time. They can't imagine traveling alone, which I do once a year now just to recharge. A recent solo trip to Yosemite was a great experience and has me hooked on a yearly getaway. This is why I believe hardcore player types do the 180 and get full on monogamous. They keep having un-fulfilling ONS's and then struggle with the loneliness. Of course they usually then just cheat on their mono gf's but that's another post. Hope you had a great holiday BD and happy new year!
Elkay Mann 2015-12-28 06:32:39
I believe feeling loneliness is different from being alone. I usually enjoy being alone, having some time for myself, and sometimes *I need* to walk away from crowds and events to recover my energies, or go take a walk. I consider myself an introvert and I'm starting to be fine with that. Feeling loneliness however is something I associate with "not being with oneself". I mean, you could be celebrating your birthday with all your friends, beloved family and a girlfriend and still feel lonely. Whenever I feel this emotion I realize (at least this is my experience) it has to do with being unsatisfied with my life situation, it means I'm "not with myself" because I could be in a better situation just by going for it but I'm lazy, I don't know how to or I'm afraid to. Whenever I (trully) get down to work it usually goes away, as simple as that. Hope I was clear!
chittychitty-bangbang 2015-12-28 05:42:22
Great Article.Real eye-opener.Keep up the good work man! You motivate like no other to live a better and happier lifestyle.