-By Caleb Jones

This is the second time I’ve been to Philadelphia, and this time around I had much more time to explore the city and its people. I also spent a few days in Denver on this trip, but not enough to make a full analysis, so I’ll quickly summarize Denver at the end of this article.

1. Philly overall. If I were to summarize Philly in one sentence, it would be that Philadelphia is a more modern, cleaner, and slightly less angry version of New York. Which, if you think about it, is pretty cool. It’s got the attitude of New York without quite as much of the grime and asshole behavior. Note that I said not as much, not none at all. Philly still has it’s grime and jerks, plenty of both, but nothing near as bad as New York.

While the drive out to Manhattan is a depressing display of miles upon miles of crap, the drive into Philly is quite pleasant. In New York, as I’ve said before, all the buildings look like they were built in either the 30’s or the 70’s, while in Philly, you’ve got nice, new, classy high rises (though no where near those of Asia of course; Philly is still in the Collapsing USA after all, not the Rising East).

2. Cool history. Alongside these nice skyscrapers are classical buildings built (or replicating the look of) the 18th and 19th centuries, much with a rich and deep history (though granted, not as much as those in Europe).

Much like when I went to Washington DC, I felt a swell of American pride as I saw the Liberty Bell, walked past the very house where Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, and stood in front of the building where the Constitution ratified. While it may not sound like it sometimes, I share right-wingers sadness regarding the glory of what America once was, and what it could have been. I’m just not delusional enough to think that the old America will ever come back just because of Trumptrumptrump! Oh well.

Since I’m a pathetic child, my favorite monument in Philly is the Rocky statue, along with the Rocky steps in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, which I climbed, only to get a bunch of guys offer to take my picture for a nominal fee. No thanks, dude. I seriously sat and stared at the Rocky statue for quite a while; Rocky, and Stallone in particular, was one of the rags-to-riches success stories I admired as a young man.

3. The women. Not much to say here. On my old city chart, I had previously placed Philly at the high end of “below average.” I’ve officially revised that to place Philly one tiny notch higher, in the low end of “average,” a few notches below cities of “high average” like my hometown of Portland. Women in Philly aren’t ugly. Instead, most are just, well, very average. Hot chicks are definitely here, but you have to spend some serious time hunting around for them. Nothing interesting or unusual beyond that. It’s the typical American city in this regard.

4. Racial makeup. The predominant race here is black, very unlike New York, and blacks actually outnumber whites here. (At first, I thought it was just my perception, but Wikipedia confirmed it.) There are a few Indians, a few Hispanics, and Asians are present, but rare. As usual in America, men and women of all races tend to be overweight.

An interesting thing I noticed while here, which reminded me that not all black women are built the same. This is key for those of you guys who either prefer black women or actively dislike black women. That is, just because a city has a lot of black women, it doesn’t mean all of those black women will be as attractive or ugly as another city with black women. Non-black people like myself tend to forget this.

Here’s what I mean. In my time here in Philly, I’ve seen hordes of black women, but I’ve only seen one in the last several days who I considered attractive enough to have sex with. Yet, when I was in Detroit (of all places) I saw three or four really hot black women within the first several hours of me entering the city. So not all “black” cities are the same.

Speaking of racial stuff, the other day, as I was walking down the street in downtown Philly, a young couple was in a side alley; an Asian man and what looked like a Hispanic woman. They were having an argument and the guy actually started choking the woman (ah, Philadelphia). Four big black guys saw this before I did, and started yelling at the Asian guy to stop choking her. “Yo man, don’t be chokin’ her, man!”

The Asian guy turned to the black guys, held out his hand palm up, and said, “Yo! Yo yo. Yo.”

Immediately sensing racism (accurately or not) one of the black guys furiously threw down his backpack and screamed at the top of his lungs, “Yo what!?! YO WHAT, MUTHA FUCKA!?!”

The last thing I saw were these four angry black men closing in on the Asian dude, all five of them screaming at each other, and the Hispanic woman looking terrified. I kept walking since I was on a timetable. Ah, diversity. Nothing like watching the Fall of Rome right before your very eyes.

5. Dunkin Donuts. What the hell is up with Philadelphia and Dunkin Doughnuts? There’s one of these damn things every few blocks here, almost like Starbucks. I mean, I’m a chubby bastard and I like doughnuts as much as the next guy, but Jesus. Must be an East Coast thing.

Homer Simpson voice: Mmmmmmm. Donuts.

(No, I didn’t eat any. I did pretty well on my diet this time around. In the absence of hot chicks, I just fantasized about Dunkin Donuts.)

That’s it for Philly. On the overall, I like Philadelphia quite a bit, and would be happy to come back.

Bonus Section – Denver

I only stayed a few days in Denver on this trip so I’m not qualified to give it a full analysis / review, but here are my impressions from when I was there.

The surrounding landscape of Denver is gorgeous. Rolling plains, the Rocky Mountains in the distance. Just beautiful. Reminds me of American Indians, riding horses, hunting buffalo. Good stuff.

The problem is the actual city is very blah. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it; just nothing interesting about it whatsoever. I might be biased though, since Denver is pretty much a clone of my hometown of Portland; chill people, strong and irritating left-wing feel, lots of hippies, very artsy vibe, lots of homeless people on the streets (I seriously saw more homeless people in Denver than I did in Philly, even though Philly is several times larger and I spent much more time there). Again, there’s nothing particularly wrong with Denver, it’s just nothing new to me.

One very weird and interesting thing about Denver is that women have huge boobs there. I don’t mean fake boobs, I mean natural boobs. It is, without a doubt, the biggest big-natural-boob city in America I’ve ever spent time in. I’m not exaggerating; I’m being 100% serious about this. After a while of seeing one natural, big-breasted woman after another, it became very strange. “What the hell?” I asked myself, “Is there something in the water here?”

I’m not saying the women in Denver are hot. They’re not; it’s a low-average city for that, about on par with Philly. I’m just saying the percentage of women with big natural tits is much higher than any other place in the US I’ve ever seen. And before you say it, no, it’s not because women are more overweight (there were far more overweight women in Philly than in Denver). I’m talking about average or low-average looking women of all sizes, small, medium, and overweight, with big tits. I don’t understand it. Very weird.

That’s it for Philly and Denver! Next up, I spend ten days in Dubai in November. Dubai analysis coming soon…

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