-By Caleb Jones

I normally don’t like analyzing current events like this, but today’s an exception. I find this entire Bill O’Reilly thing hugely fascinating and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

For those of you outside the US or who don’t follow the news, it recently came out that a conservative, nationally-known political commentator on Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, has been sexually harassing women in pretty aggressive ways, and has been doing so for many years. Both he and Fox News have had to pay out $19 million in settlements to numerous women. There was also recorded audio of him doing this stuff back in 2004. Mostly he’s been guilty of hitting on women at his work with the promise of jobs and/or career advancement if these women put out.

Now Bill’s in deep shit. Fox News has lost millions because advertisers are pulling out, and at it now appears that Bill has been fired. (Though frankly, because he’s one of the elites, he’ll be just fine no matter what happens. The law doesn’t apply to the elites, and I’m sure he’ll get millions upon millions dollars as an exit prize.)

Now erase all that. Let’s get to the interesting part.

Let me ask you a hypothetical question that I already know the answer to. Think very carefully before you answer, and I’ll tell you the correct answer in a minute.

Ready? Okay. If you were physically unattractive, but were nationally famous and worth millions upon millions of dollars, would you have any trouble getting laid with at least reasonably hot chicks? Even without paying hookers?

Think about it.

Got your answer? Okay.

The correct answer is no, you would not have trouble getting laid with reasonably hot chicks if you were that rich and famous, even if you were old and/or ugly. Trust me on this. I’ve met two or three men like this, and I know several people who personally know or work with men like this. Believe me, these ugly/old/gross but rich and famous men have NO problem getting laid at all, and with hot or reasonably hot chicks.

They don’t need to pay hookers either. I said they don’t need to. They can pay hookers, and some of them do “for fun” or if they have a preference for hookers. My bro Charlie Sheen bangs hookers all the time, but only because he likes to, not because he needs to. In other words, hookers is an option for these men, but they don’t need them.

I could give you some real-life examples of men I’ve personally met over the last few years, but since I’m at least a semi-public figure, I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. So instead, I’ll give you a very dated and somewhat hypothetical example.

Back in the 90’s, I briefly worked with Danny DeVito and his staff. He was married at the time and I have no evidence that he ever cheated. Regardless, I can tell you for a 100% fact that Danny could have had hot chicks lined up outside of his house ready to fuck him, despite the fact he was the negative trifecta: short, fat, and ugly. He was confident, funny, world-famous, and ridiculously wealthy. (He made tens of millions of dollars on the movie Twins alone.) I would bet $10,000 of my own money that if he wanted to go out and bang some hottie, he could have done so, and without paying her.

That brings us to poor Bill O’Reilly. As I kept hearing about all these crazy stories of him hitting on numerous women at his work, (allegedly) offering them jobs, then (allegedly) refusing them jobs when they didn’t put out, (allegedly) calling them on the phone while masturbating, (allegedly) giving them all kinds of dirty talk when they clearly weren’t interested… I mean, what the fuck was he thinking?

Dude, you’re Bill O’Reilly. You’re world famous and worth almost $100 million. If you want to get laid, you could snap your fingers and do so, even without paying hookers. (Though paying hookers is certainly an option for Bill as well, however I understand how some men, myself included, can view having sex with prostitutes as a little nasty.)

Why the hell are you harassing women at work, which is the most dangerous place to pick up chicks? Didn’t you know this crap would come back to bite you in the ass? This isn’t 1952 anymore, dude! You can’t get away with this stuff these days, at least not if you do it a lot, repeatedly, with many different women.

Why the hell are you using the most uncalibrated approaches I’ve ever seen? You’re Bill O’Reilly. You’re a wealthy, famous, confident Alpha. Even if you look old or whatever, you can just go to a party and pretty much have your pick of the room (at least among the women who aren’t hardcore left-wingers). Why do you even bother with offering women at work career advancement? You don’t need to do that!

That’s what I was thinking as I kept reading and hearing these stories. Why would a rich, powerful, confident, famous man bother with begging women for sex at work using carrot-and-stick methods reserved for five year olds? I get some loser with no money and no fame doing this, but a rich and famous celebrity like Bill O’Reilly? WTF?

It makes no sense. O’Reilly must have some kind of huge mental block about this. Below are my theories as to why I think he voluntarily, and for no reason, took the most difficult and dangerous route to get sex I can think of. Feel free to add to my list in the comments if you have a theory I didn’t come up with.

Theory 1: He’s an old-school guy who was brought up in the era where that’s simply what powerful men did; offer career advancement in exchange for sex. That’s why Roger Ailes did it, and it looks like Bill Cosby was guilty of some of this too. O’Reilly is nine years younger than Ailes, but he’s probably close enough in generations where doing this seemed “normal” to him.

Theory 2: O’Reilly saw tons of other guys in the news industry do this, and he was simply a victim of group think. He grew up in his career thinking it was somehow “easier” to harass female coworkers than to find easy sex outside of the office. I’ve heard the theory that since Bill didn’t achieve super-success until later in life, he didn’t have a lot of experience in terms of calibration for women until it was too late. I guess that’s possible.

Theory 3: This method actually worked, and we’re just hearing about the five or six women it didn’t work on, when perhaps there’s another five or six (or ten or twenty!) women where this shit worked and Bill did indeed get laid. Perhaps Bill has banged women all over Fox News, and those women are now terrified to admit it based on what’s going on now (as well as putting their own current careers and/or marriages in jeopardy).

Theory 4: It simply never occurred to him. Perhaps O’Reilly has been such an insular workaholic (that appears to be his personality, based on his divorce and other things from his personal life) that it simply never occurred to him that, “Hey, I’m rich and famous! I could go get some serious pussy every weekend anytime I want it!” The only women within his life circle were those at work; to him, there were no other women. I find it hard to believe this theory is accurate, but I admit it’s possible, since I’ve met men in the business world with very narrow tunnel-vision like this.

Theory 5: He is so hyper-arrogant that he thinks he can do whatever he wants and never get caught. This seems to be the most popular theory, though it’s not exactly an objective one, since this is the theory usually trotted about by people who hated Bill O’Reilly in the first place. However, I have to admit it’s certainly possible. Regardless, it doesn’t explain why he didn’t focus on any women outside of the workplace.

Theory 6: He has been banging women outside of the workplace and in the workplace, and we’re just hearing the ones in the workplace that didn’t work out. Maybe my entire premise is wrong, and Bill has been a super-player this entire time, quietly getting laid left and right, both inside and outside of his work. It’s possible, though not likely.

Theory 7: He has some kind of mild personality disorder, where whenever he works with a hot chick, he gets overwhelmingly horny and just can’t control himself, even if he logically knows it will get him in big trouble. I’ve met a few men like this, so it’s possible.

Theory 8: He has a co-worker fetish. This is the simplest explanation. Most of us have at least one or two weird turn-on’s. (I like really short women.) Maybe Bill’s fetish/fantasy is banging women he works with. Maybe sex with a non-co-worker is not sexually exciting to him at all.

Anyway, I could speculate forever. I just think it’s really amazing how some men go out of their way to pursue sex in the most difficult and/or dangerous ways possible, when there are so many other easier, safer, cleaner avenues to get to sex.

What a crazy world we live in.

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