Serial Monogamy Revisited
There is a woman I know I’ll call “Sandy”. She’s a fascinating case study.
Sandy is young, very smart, and very pretty. While she’s a little skinny for my tastes, if I put a completely untouched photo of her up on this blog, I think most men would consider her at least an eight or nine. Some would consider her a ten. She’s someone who could get a job in Hollywood and fit right in. I’ve known her since she was 19, she’s now in her mid-20s.
If you looked up “serial monogamist” in the dictionary, you would see a picture of Sandy. Her Facebook page is a fascinating model of this. She never dates. Ever. She simply goes from boyfriend to boyfriend.
She’ll have a boyfriend, always a good-looking young beta male, who will make lovey-dovey comments on everything she says, and vice versa. She will cover her page with cute pictures of both of them doing fun things together. She will Facebook-friend all of the boyfriend’s friends and family members, including his parents, and he will do the same to her social circle. The boyfriend will say things like “Baby, I’m so glad our moms are now Facebook friends. That makes me feel really special.” Lots of I love yous and I can’t wait to be with yous and I can’t wait for our long future togethers.
It will go like this for about six to eight months on average and then instantly the the guy will be gone. Then just as instantly, there’s a new starry-eyed boyfriend in his place. I’m not exaggerating. The transition happens almost instantly.
The entire pattern then repeats. Lovey comments, cute couples photos, all kinds of befriending new boyfriend’s friends and family, lots of NRE and Disney. Then in six months, maybe a little more, boyfriend is gone, and there’s another new boyfriend. Rinse and repeat. Forever.
In the few short years I’ve known Sandy, she’s done this six times that I remember. Her current boyfriend has gone almost a year and I’m shocked it’s lasted that long.
I’ve talked to her a few times about her hardcore serial monogamy behavior, and she never wants to talk about it other than joking around and making some general (though honest) statements about how she “gets bored easily”. Yeah, no shit Sandy. I once told her that the trail of dead beta male bodies she’s leaving in her swath of destruction is a little sad. Her response was just a cute titter laugh and a “I know, right?”.
Sandy is not alone. There are millions of women like her, most under the age of 45, all over the western world. The vast majority of the time, serial monogamy is a system initiated by women, not men. About three-fourths of all monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are terminated by the female.
Moreover, while I have no statistics to prove this, I’m confident that on average, women re-acquire a new serious lover after a failed relationship faster than a man does. Sure, a guy eventually gets a new girlfriend after being dumped, but usually it’s many months after his ex has a new boyfriend.
Serial monogamy is overwhelmingly a female system.
I have mentioned in the glossary that serial monogamy is the biological default method of pair-bonding for females under the age of 50. It’s what (most) women prefer. Be monogamous to this guy, and just this guy, until I get bored, which will be in under three years, then move on to the next monogamous guy (maybe after playing around a little) and repeating the entire process.
Of course women cheat, but usually a woman cheats well into the relationship, often after the three-year mark, when she would have left him already had she followed her biological wiring.
When they “have to” be monogamous for longer than three years (because they want kids or because they surrender to Societal Programming), they’ll clench their teeth and do it for a while, but they hate it (and often cheat in longer relationships or marriages). Women do want monogamy, but temporary, serial monogamy, not long-term monogamy. Long term monogamy is boring, and women hate being bored. As one of my recurring FBs recently sent me in a text, “Relationships are so boring”. (She’s been living with her monogamous boyfriend for two years.)
I promise you when Sandy finally surrenders to Societal Programming some day and stupidly marries a guy, after about two years when the marriage/baby NRE wears off, she’s going to be miserable. Then eventually, after a lot of drama, she’ll divorce his ass, he’ll have no idea why, and she’ll go back to her serial monogamy patterns. Sandy, and young women like her, have lots of divorces and big breakups to look forward to. (And when she’s a 43 year-old divorced single mother angrily trolling Match.com for a provider, she’ll blame her condition on men, and ask where “all the real men have gone”. But that’s another topic.)
What People Forget About Serial Monogamy
What is usually not considered by women or men, is that at the end of most relationships (not all, but most), the girl saunters off into the sunset (or the dance club) singing a happy tune with her girlfriends giving her high-fives while the guy is home alone crying like a little bitch, sending her 27 texts to “give him another chance” and making whiny posts on PUA forums.
Men who defend serial monogamy (what few there are) always seem to forget this. They forget that the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship ends when she wants it to end, not when you want it to end. The end will come when you aren’t expecting it and don’t want it, just about every time.
Another interesting characteristic of serial monogamists (who again are usually women) is that they hate dating just as much as they hate long-term monogamy. Sandy, and women like her, never “date” and is virtually never single. She always has a boyfriend. I think the longest I’ve ever seen Sandy single is about a month (and I remember being surprised it was that long). Similar to women over age 33, serial monogamists feel extremely uncomfortable “dating” guys without having a “committed” boyfriend. Dating, to them, is stressful and icky.
Serial monogamist women will strongly defend their behavior. Once on the forums I saw a woman pronounce in 100% seriousness that she had experienced “12 successful monogamous relationships” in her life. She was completely unaware of the irony, because to her it was not an ironic statement. In each relationship, she had a monogamous boyfriend, then kicked the boyfriend out on his ass when she got bored with him, and then replaced with with a new sucker (I mean guy). To her, that’s a successful relationship. I doubt the 12 guys she dumped think the relationship they had with her was successful. But do you think she cares?
Several times I’ve had a serial monogamist woman or two brag to me that she has never cheated on a guy. My response: “Darling, you’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than three years in your entire life. You keep dumping these poor bastards before your strong desire to cheat ever comes up. (Check the glossary for the term ‘CTF’.) Come back after you’ve had a relationship that’s lasted 10 or 20 years, then we’ll see how faithful you are.”
The response I usually get is either an insult or blank stare, not a refutation. (Unlike beta males, female serial monogamists know exactly what they are. They just keep it quiet, and think you should too.)
Questions, Questions, So Many Questions
Unlike long-term Disney monogamy, which everyone knows in their heart really doesn’t work, serial monogamy is much more complicated, and is as fascinating as it is sad. It’s a pity Sandy and women like her don’t want to have a serious discussion about serial monogamy, though it’s not surprising.
Here are a few questions I would like to ask female serial monogamists like Sandy:
1. At the beginning of the relationship, when these innocent beta males fall in love with you after having sex with you two or three times, do you explain to them that you’ll be dumping them in a few months (or a year or two at the most)?
2. When these men talk about getting married and having kids and stuff (and they usually do, because we’re talking about betas here), do you correct these men, telling them that this is never going to happen? Or do you go along with the Big Lie, and give them an “Oh yeah, it will be great!”?
3. Do you continue to have sex with your old boyfriend after getting a new boyfriend? (I already know the answer to this, which is usually “no”, but I still want to see how a serial monogamist woman answers this question.)
4. Do you feel at all bad when you dump all these men? Most of whom not only loved you (or at least had strong oneitis for you) but also wanted a long future with you with marriage and kids and stuff?
5. Does it strike you as just a little odd when you’re introducing these men as your boyfriend to your parents and closest friends within the first six months knowing them that in another few months you’ll be doing the exact same thing with a new and completely different boyfriend? Do you ever have the thought, “I’d better hold off on introducing this guy to everyone in my life until he survives at least a year with me, that way I won’t look stupid to everyone when I dump the guy and then bring a new boyfriend over to the house.”?
6. What about just dating for six months? Or a year? No boyfriend. Just dating around, hanging out with and/or fucking guys as you please. Not a lot of guys, just more than one. You know, enjoying life and putting in some numbers instead of being locked-down to just one needy guy. No drama, no rules, no big breakups, no hurt feelings, just sex, fun, 100% honesty with everyone, and enjoying yourself. And maybe, after playing around with a bunch of guys, you might even find one who will make a quality boyfriend you’ll actually want to stay with for longer than a year or two. Does doing this have any appeal to you at all? If not, why not?
7. I know that because you’re a woman you automatically want to get monogamously married someday (even though it makes zero sense for you to do so, since you’ll hate it). So I’m not even going to argue with you on that. But when you want to settle down and have kids, do you seriously think you’re never going to get bored with him for the next 45 years straight? Even though you have a very steady and reliable pattern getting bored with men quickly? Or do you just plan on getting divorced a lot? What exactly is your long-term game plan and how do you plan on executing it with high odds of success? (Humorously, I could pose this exact same question to the typical player/PUA/manosphere guy too. But that’s another topic.)
8. Do you have the same memorized speech you give these guys when you dump them? You’ve done it so many times I would assume it’s gotten pretty routine by now.
9. How regimented are you about this? Do you actually have a serial monogamy “system” you could show other women the same way I have a system for nonmonogamy that I show men? Or are you just always flying by the seat of your pants, blowing in whatever direction your biology pushes you?
10. Why do you think you get bored with men so reliably and regularly? Any theories on why you’re like this? (I already know the answer to this question, because sexual boredom is a biological trait built into women. But again, I would love to hear her answer anyway.)
11. Have you actually been in love with any of these guys? If the answer is yes, why did you still dump him so fast like all the other dudes? If the answer is no, why do you keep getting into serious relationships with men you don’t love?
I don’t do monogamy of course, serial or otherwise, so thank goodness none of this insanity ever affects me. I just see a hell of a lot of it with normal guys (and player/PUAs/Alphas too) and observe it from afar like watching a football game. Regardless, I seriously would like to interview a hardcore, female serial monogamist who is wiling to answer these questions, plus a few more.
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I know several girls like this but one in particular we will call S (she is 22). I met S through work about 2 years ago. A solid 9 in my book – petite, dark hair, pretty face, B-cup boobs. She is also a part-time model.
She is on her fifth boyfriend since I met her. Doesn’t date, goes straight into ‘having a boyfriend’ and plastering her Facebook with pics of the new man and how much she loves him etc. Then all of a sudden he is gone.
None of her relationships have lasted more than six months. She has told me herself she ‘gets bored of men quickly’ but has also admitted she ‘just has to be in a relationship’ to avoid boredom. It makes no sense to me.
Last year she asked me would I ever date anyone I work with. I said no (don’t mix business and pleasure), she looked disppointed so I think she was maybe hinting at hooking up with me. We’re no longer working together as of October so I might wait till the current beau gets the elbow then hit her up 😉
I’d add another question: “Do you usually have the new boyfriend lined up before dumping the old boyfriend?”
Since the transition is almost instantaneous, I’d expect the answer to be “yes.” However, I’d also expect some kind of girl logic to explain how starting the new relationship while still in the old one doesn’t count as cheating.
Fantastic! Great point.
You may have just answered Jon’s question above.
Girls who are serial monogamist are the vast majority of girls I know so this post is really important, I dare to say that they’re most of the girls in this days.
BD, let me tell you the same story but from an alpha male perspective. This girls are so accustomed to do this and it is really interesting when they have a relationship with an alpha. I meet this gorgeous solid 9 and got serious NRE, she’s hotter than hell, I mean, you don’t even see girls like that on the street that often but I controlled myself and acted like a man, she wanted to marry and even said one day: It seems like I’m actually begging you to get marry, during two years she gave me some drama because I never proposed her and because she said that she hated my mindset of superiority so I dumped her three times(including the last one), but she always came back to me after no more than three months, and she got into relationships with betas who she destroyed. She said that no one had ever dumped her and she even asked me to be her boyfriend once. Final score: 3-1 (she dumped me the first time because I told her I wasn’t ready for commitment) and the last time I broke up with her she was crying and really angry, I love her but I know that if I get even slightly beta for her she will hate me, I’ve seen the way she treats her legion of orbiters on Facebook. Women that beautiful really hate betas. And no matter how much I love her I dumped her because I know she craves marriage and children, she’s 26 now and you know, the time is running, I left her but I love her and I know she might come back, I’m human and have love feelings and I can’t help it. But relationships seem to me like a cruel game full of contradictions and bullshit, I know exactly how to “win” but I just don’t feel like I’m really winning even though I bed barely any girl who I get interested in (I know you understand).
So that’s the story of when a serial monogamist girl gets trouble with her agenda.
You’re one of the most amazing PUAs I know BD, I have read all of your post, I hope you realize the impact that your posts have in the life of those who are open minded and willing to have a life of freedom even when they have to pay sometimes.
You’re a great mentor and an inspiration, you’ve changed my life for better, THANK YOU!!!
Keep up the good work! The topics in this post that you said “But that’s another topic” are really interesting.
God bless you and I hope He gives you more wisdom to share with us.
PUA Brian Kinney
In other news: I got laid (thanks for your help BD, a couple of weeks ago).
Anyway, I was talking to this women today and she said something very interesting: “The mistake most men make is that when they meet a women, they fall in love for a lifetime when the women just falls in love for the moment”. That reminded me of all the articles I have read where they gave men the following advice: “Make her fall in love, each day again and again.”
No wonder women men are doing it wrong. They project their own game upon women. We are a bunch of hopeless romantics and they know exactly how to play us, hahah.
I really don’t comprehend your argument, and the reason is because it’s 1) logically flawed and 2) all over the place.
First, you say serial monogamy is “sad” because of the finite nature (let just say 1 year). Then you go ahead and apply some threshold where the sadness disappears, or is at least lessened (we’ll say 10 years). Though you also promote ‘just dating’ (this is apparently not “sad”), which is most likely to last under a year (this should make it “sad” according to your sadness timeline).
You also use the phrase “in love” as if it means something. “Love” means nothing in the context of anything, so you should stop using it. If you really want to break down societal programming, talk about chemical reactions in the brain or something, but don’t use “love.”
Finally (and I’m not even addressing all of your inconsistencies), you criticize the serial monogamist for following base biology, when that’s what you’re doing with your accept-the-biologic-but-not-sociologic-nature-of-mankind system. Why is it all right for you to follow your biology when it’s not all right for said girls to follow theirs?
You need to re-evaluate some things, specifically the transitory nature of existence (you reasonably responded to my other comment on your previous blog post, but there’s still a contradiction, evidenced here).
GREAT quote. And accurate (generally speaking).
No, that’s not why I say it’s sad. It’s sad because it causes people pain, chaos, and upset in their lives when drama occurs and/or when the relationship ends.
Where the hell do I say that? No I don’t.
You really need to quote me correctly if you want to carry on a rational discussion.
Finally, you quote me correctly. Yes, “just dating” won’t make anyone angry or hurt, because no cheating or breakup ever occurs when “just dating”. Cheating and big, dramatic breakups are part of the monogamous relationship world.
Because I’m not following all of my male biology. If I was, this entire blog would be about polygamous marriages where you would marry 3 or 4 women and then rule their lives, making sure none of them ever fucked anyone else but you, while you go out and fuck whomever you like. I’m a human being and a man, so I do have some outdated bullshit caveman biology deep within me that would find that very appealing. But I’m still not going to do it nor recommend it to others.
Embracing *some* of your biology is fine (my biology likes frequent sex for example, so I happily embrace that part), but I’m smart enough to not allow my obsolete biological wiring to run my life. These serial monogamists should do the same. (They won’t, but it would be nice if they did.)
“Do you actually have a serial monogamy “system” you could show other women”
Assuming a girl ditches the guy once boredom sets in, and can easily meet others, it seems to be a pretty good system for her, in the short term.
Your argument seems to be less about “this is causing them unhappiness” and more about “you’re not being nice and fair”. How would you convince them that this free buffet is not what it seems?
“Or are you just always flying by the seat of your pants, blowing in whatever direction your biology pushes you?”
Ah, but this “pants flying” is the very thing that gradually locks them into your arrangement in the first place, knowing you will not give them the boyfriend-ey stuff they originally wanted. Logically, they should dump you for having dodged the issue, but by then they’re hooked.
I’m not moralizing, but it’s just your own flavor of strategic misdirection. Serial monogamy is theirs, also starting on false promises. Unlike “i’ll love you forever” Your false promises are implied, rather than stated outright.
@Rick/Grocer/Batman/whatever the fuck you’ll call yourself next:
Would you PLEASE stop this relentless wave of nihilistic garbage, both on the forums and here? No one is going to commit suicide or buy your anti-life trash or anti-people horseshit! So you can drop the population reduction agenda. Despite what you may have heard about the seduction community, we’re not all a bunch of depressed and vulnerable men ripe for the picking by assholes who enjoy recruiting people into suicide.
Hey BD, I made yet another post that didn’t make it up. What’s up with that?
Click the 5 Simple Rules link at the top of the comments and read the very first sentence.
No, I make no promises to women, false, true, implied, or stated. At least not for the first 6-12 months of seeing someone. Perhaps after that I might.
Yeah, these are the broads that will rip your heart out if you fall for their shtick.
What is usually not considered by women or men, is that at the end of most relationships (not all, but most), the girl saunters off into the sunset (or the dance club) singing a happy tune with her girlfriends giving her high-fives while the guy is home alone crying like a little bitch, sending her 27 texts to “give him another chance” and making whiny posts on PUA forums.
Are there really men like this anymore? With Game being public now for almost a decade and the existence of the Manosphere, I would think that overt Beta behavior would be on the decline.
One more thing BD, how suscuptible to cold approach (especially day game) would a girl like “Sandy” be? She doesn’t date, but how does she vet her new boyfriends? Social circle?
I’ve noticed that when girls are in boyfriend hunter mode, they are difficult to day game, or game in general. Basically, they hit you with “I am not interested in anything casual” and all you can do is reframe to the best of your ability (which would be formidable for a quality PUA). But if she is interested in the long term, she is not going to settle for fb status. Any EFA of Polyamory will set off her alarm bells.
“Are there really men like this anymore? With Game being public now for almost a decade and the existence of the Manosphere, I would think that overt Beta behavior would be on the decline.”
Are you serious? In my country (UK) I would estimate at least 80% of the men are total betas. I’m including most of my male friends and family in that.
What Sparks said. If anything, as men become more feminized, it’s getting worse, not better. The Manosphere is not the world. It’s quite the opposite actually.
Day game approaches are very tough for these women, not because they’re in boyfriend-hunting mode, but because they’re almost always in a perpetual state of NRE. No woman is going to give you the time of day if she has a new exciting boyfriend (that’s what NRE is all about, and that’s one of the few times in a woman’s life she’s fiercely sexually loyal to a man). Hardcore Sandys always have a new boyfriend, so they’re always in NRE, so…
One could accurately call serial monogamists “NRE Addicts”.
Social circle is the main source, yes. I have seen these women on dating sites though (often on the paid sites, like Match).
BD, it’s really fucking simple. In most of the world, esp in America and places like America ( UK, Canada ) girls who are hot have literally unlimited options. Big cities, social media, and dating websites help fuel the endless army of lower alphas and betas who will kill their entire family just to sniff her pussy. She can get a new guy in under an hour. They usually have several sideline men waiting, orbiting, cocks dripping with precum and mouth salivating with thirst for the relationship status to change and her pussy to just drop on top of them. As roosh said, the thirst in the west is real.
Add onto that the fact most guys in America and places like America are huge pussies when it comes to getting ass ( giant scarcity mentality. pussy is more valuable than water or air ). The causes her serial monogamy countdown timer to be much shorter than if she was in a world of masculine alpha men who put their mission way above pussy.
Then lastly, the fact society is becoming more forgiving day by day for slutty behavior and you have the last nail in the coffin.
Why the hell would a woman date the same guy forever in a world like that? All your questions can be answered with one word.. “Options”.
A side note which I’m not 100% sure of, women are always looking for the bigger better deal. Hypergayme or w/e it’s called. That’s a factor too. I usually just summarize it as women have unlimited options these days.
Girls like Sandy are addicted to the emotional high. You’re unlikely to have a logical Q&A as described in your post for the same reason that you likely wouldn’t with a heroin addict.
The only resolution is to “bottom out”, which is effectively what happens when they’re “a 43 year-old divorced single mother angrily trolling Match.com for a provider”.
Sounds like typical ASD to me. I have asked many girls I am friends with “Which is worse?”
A. 10 boyfriends within 5 years
B. 2 one night stands within 10 year period
I live in the Midwest, so the sample data is small, but about 75% choose B.
You can’t be called a slut if you have a “boyfriend” now can you?
Eventually the NRE fades and “I just don’t feel the same about him.” She targets a beta male and complains about current boyfriend to which he eventually replys “If I was your boyfriend it would be different.”
Most people won’t leave their current job until they have a new one lined up. Rinse and repeat.
The Manosphere is not the world. It’s quite the opposite actually.
The thing is this, when I was young this knowledge did not exist. At least not in a form of mass dispersal. I literally had no way of finding out the hardcore realities of human psycho-sexuality; which is exactly what “game” is. But today…
Today, if a guy gets put in the LJBF zone and he hurts inside, all he has to do is Google “how to get out of the Lets Just Be Friends Zone”. He will have access to more information than he could ever read. With a PUA company in every major city of the world, I just don’t understand how EVERY man doesn’t at least know of the realities of women.
I understand that to actually approach women with skill you have to approach and approach and approach. I have been doing that for the last year and a half, and as I near my 1100th or so cold approach I see the power of this and the importance of internalizing the skill set. But from my first exposure to Roissy’s blog 3 years ago, I KNEW to stop supplicating women.
In that sense I knew to never chase pussy. You hit on a woman and she either gives you her # or not. You text her and she either returns your texts and agrees to the date or not. You try to fuck her within 3 or 4 dates and she either fucks you or not. After that you NEXT. And that’s it. No begging, no supplicating, no hoping, no weakness. Now there is skill involved to be sure and I cringe at my first attempts. But the theory and macro-philosophy itself should have seriously lessened Beta behavior. That’s my shock. I don’t see how the majority of men don’t see the big picture even if they can’t execute at the micro level (yet).
Male weakness can be forgiven in our culture up until about 2005. After that point, there is enough knowledge out there, and all available at the click of a mouse, to educate a man as to the reality of human mating. The only thing I can come up with for why this has not happened is that the egalitarian philosophy that dominates the West is so strong that most men (80% Sparks says) refuse to reject it. Its like a religion that men are terrified of betraying, even to their own detriment and in the face of their own suffering.
You’re touching on a very big topic that I can’t address in a comment. Philosophically I completely agree with you, but the reality is the vast majority of men don’t know this info is available, or don’t want to learn it, or disagree with it, or are too lazy to change.
Cool.
Another crazy old mASF question.
How did you resolve the problem you expressed in this post?:
I found the comments to be fucking hysterical. My guess is that you no longer kiss the girls on the first date. But did you arrive at any other conclusions?
Oh yeah, that’s old news. I solved that problem by doing two things:
1. Completely stopped cold approaching women over age 33.
2. Completely stopped kissing on the first date/meet.
I personally love serial monogamy. I get NRE for a few months. Lots of sex with sex on demand. No drama. Plenty of free time when I want it. After 3, 4 months she realizes I’m just there for the fun and I get the speech “This relationship is not going anywhere” and she dumps me which is great. I get back online and find someone else to fuck within a week with new NRE. There is an abundance of women out there. Wash, rinse and repeat. I have my own life. The outcome of my life is independent of women and yes I don’t have a real sense of shame.
Just remember you can have NRE without ever getting monogamous. I experience NRE all the time too. 🙂
“Where the hell do I say that? No I don’t.”
You promote the OLTR, with one of the reasons being that it will last up to 15 years or so (as opposed to a monogamous relationship that only lasts, let’s say, up to 5 years). Therefore, there is a time threshold you’re applying. Would you consider a non-monogamous relationship that lasts 10 years a success? Would you consider a monogamous relationship that lasts 8 months a failure?
“Yes, ‘just dating’ won’t make anyone angry or hurt, because no cheating or breakup ever occurs when ‘just dating’. Cheating and big, dramatic breakups are part of the monogamous relationship world.”
This is not correct. Just look at any guy/girl who hooks up with a girl/guy a couple times and then it ends. You don’t think anyone has ever become upset over this? You have some delusion that monogamy is the root of a lot of the harm people experience in male-female relations. It’s not monogamy that creates the chaos, Blackdragon. It’s the passing nature of a moment that causes it, the fleeting moment of a feeling.
I think you ultimately you run into inconsistencies because you hate on monogamous relationships. Go ahead and promote a system for creating non-monogamy, but when you criticize monogamy, you shoot yourself in the foot.
I have never said anywhere that OLTRs last longer than monogamous relationships. The closest thing I ever said to that was here when I said that if I ever had an OLTR, my goal would be that it would last 15 years.
Again, you really need to quote me correctly if you want to debate issues with me, or I’m going to have to start ignoring your comments.
Upset? Sure. Upset as compared to when the typical girl dumps (or cheats on) the typical boyfriend in the typical monogamous relationship? No. Not even close.
“How long do you think a ‘monogamous’ relationship would last with you doing everything as described above except, of course, not banging other girls? Again, if the number is smaller than 15, what do you think is the reason for this?”
Your response:
“If you’re a man with a normal or high sex drive, it wouldn’t last very long at all, because at about the three-year mark (or sooner) your monogamous wife would start refusing sex from you, and eventually you’d either leave her or go cheat. One of the many beauties of OLTR is that it’s possible to stay with a woman you love even if you aren’t having sex with her. (Not ideal of course, but possible.) This is impossible in a monogamous relationship, since a man needs to fuck somebody. The exception to this rule is if you have an extremely low sex drive and don’t care, but that doesn’t describe most men.”
Unless I’m completely missing something here, your argument appears to be that OLTRs are set up in a way that will allow them to continue for a longer period of time (versus a monogamous relationship).
You’re forgetting that a monogamous relationship fails the instant one of the the two parties cheats. In an OLTR you’ll never have this failure. The only “failure” in an OLTR is a complete separation, and even then the LSFNTE is temporary so she’ll come back to you eventually. A woman will not leave you the instant you have sex with another woman in an OLTR; it’s part of what she’s already accustomed to.
In a monogamous relationship, she often will leave you if you do this. Even if she does not, the relationship is no longer monogamous even if the two parties pretend it is. Moreover, you’re in for a bucket of drama, and she now no longer trusts you, etc, etc. The monogamous nature of the relationship has completely failed (even if the two parties are still together in a resentful state, assuming they stay together which they likely won’t.)
Confessions of a Recovering Serial Monogamist
1. No. This has never been my intent and has never been explained.
2. Yes. I used to correct them. But said beta’s were always persistent in their assimilation and pursuit of this “American Dream”.
3. No. Sorry. And that’s the truth.
4. In some instances, yes. There is empathy involved if he was a genuinely good person. But in the case of my last two relationships, no, there is no remorse or regret.
5. Yes, it is odd. And becoming increasingly embarrassing. This behavior is one that I no loner practice for those very reasons that you have outlined.
6. BD, that sounds wonderful. And is why I am breaking my pattern and abandoning everything I thought I knew.
7. I can no longer answer this question as a faithful serial monogamist, but I can tell you that a few years ago this is how I felt: i. Yes, traditional marriage can become tedious. I was prepared for this in exchange for the security in companionship I thought marriage could offer. ii. Being divorced was never in the plan and never something I wanted. iii. My former long term plan was to be happy with someone who could accept and love me, as I could them- forever.
8. No. I don’t have a speech. Never did. Each relationship ran it’s course (often disastrous) and the end was always specific to the details and scruples of the “partnership”.
9. I never had a system. Just a gullible heart. There is a quote I came across the other day.. “Don’t let the fact that you’re lonely push you into the arms of someone who will make you miserable”.
10. Not every instance was the cause of boredom. But for those that were, it was because they were inherently flawed as “betas”. Needy. Clingy. Insecure. Predictable. Mundane.
11. I did love them (three in total). But wonder now that I was ever “in love”.
Thank you very much for that Kstate. My only follow-up question would be:
Why do you get into serious relationships with men you describe as “inherently flawed as “betas”. Needy. Clingy. Insecure. Predictable. Mundane.”?
This blog is further evidence that libertarians are right about pretty much everything – government, economics, relationships, whatever.
I still harbor a suspicion though that females in nature would prefer to date multiple multiple men simultaneously. But since society doesn’t let them do this they’re stuck with the serial monogamy strategy as the closest approximation.
OK I realize that this post is old but I’ve got some real answers to your questions. Blackdragon, you pride yourself on telling the truth and as a serial-monogamist woman, I’m here to do the same. I’ve found basically everything on your blog to be completely true, and if anything, you don’t go far enough. As for me, I’m in my late 30s and have spent my life since age 16 going from one boyfriend to the next with basically zero time in between and every man I’ve ever been with has fallen madly in love with me, so those are my credentials. I wasn’t raised with religion and I’m an INTP so I saw through the social conditioning earlier and easier than most (though it still took 3 guys before I realized it was just a biological reaction and had nothing to do with the actual guys themselves):
1. This depends on what kind of guy they are. If they’re betas, no, of course not. It would be incredibly cruel and they will be horribly hurt and devastated. Since I have empathy, I can’t tolerate that. The only way I can tolerate it later on is because my vagina will be nauseated by them and blazing for someone else, and that is the only thing that motivates me to do the horrible work of breaking a sweet guy’s heart. And even then it’s incredibly hard and it only happens because of the intensity of the biological motivations. But when I’m in the initial relationship stages and still attracted to them, there is no way I could emotionally tolerate saying something that will upset them so much.
If they’re an Alpha, then yes I will tell them, but it doesn’t matter because they won’t believe it. I have straight-out told guys before, in the beginning, “I am a destroyer of men” and they just think it’s cute or funny or a challenge (until it happens to them).
If they’re a needy alpha, then no I would never tell them this because it would get a hostile, angry, and possibly violent or retaliatory reaction.
But just to be clear, the same result with happen with any guy…it’s not just betas who will eventually be dumped. The only real difference is that with a beta I will spend a LOT longer fucking him after I no longer want to, and I’ll take many more pains to try to convince myself to still be attracted to him and just generally try to make it work (which it won’t, but I’ll at least try). With an alpha…well let’s be honest, these don’t exist over the long term, they all turn into needy alphas or betas eventually. And with a needy alpha, I may be afraid of him and therefore will refrain from cheating or breaking up solely out of fear, but otherwise I will do so as quickly as I can figure out a safe way to do so and won’t care about trying to make it work.
2. I just stay totally non-committal and don’t respond one way or the other when they talk about marriage. I don’t encourage it or engage in it but I also don’t say “that will never happen.” I might tell them I don’t want kids if I think they won’t get upset or hostile. As time goes on and they begin to press on the commitment/marriage issue, I will begin to reveal my cards and that’s when they will either go along with what I want (if they’re betas) or we will start having explosive arguments and breaking up (if they’re needy alphas).
3. No of course not. This question doesn’t even make sense. Why would I continue having sex with my old boyfriend when the whole reason I leave him is because eventually I find it gross to have sex with him? The ONLY time I’ve continued to have sex with an old boyfriend is when I broke up with him because he was a Needy Alpha (i.e. not because I was bored of him but because he was a pain in the ass…in which case I would still be attracted and could return every month or two to fuck until it blew up again because he was trying to clamp down the cage over my head).
4. Betas = yes I feel horrible. Literally lifelong horrifying levels of guilt that I will never truly get over. I have actually visited therapists and hypnotists to try to get rid of the guilt. Generally it takes me months after I *want* to break up to build up the courage and harden my heart enough to actually do it. I care about them and it kills me to do it but what choice is there? It eventually becomes too nauseating to continue having sex and pretending not to be disgusted.
Alphas = as I said before, there is no such thing as an Alpha over the long-term in my experience – every man eventually turns into a beta or a Needy Alpha.
Needy Alpha = I feel relief and joy. And if they were major dicks at the end then I will also feel triumphant and smugly satisfied and righteous, though this will eventually turn into sympathy after enough time has passed.
5. Yes of course, it’s embarrassing and after enough time a woman like me just gets a reputation as being a man-eater who goes through men and your friends and family stop taking it seriously – they will make jokes about it or roll their eyes or whatever. They will probably feel sorry for the men, my parents actively pity any guy I date. Again, however, what exactly is the alternative here? I stopped bringing boyfriends to my annual work retreat years ago for precisely this reason, nor do I post any pics or evidence about new boyfriends on FB. But am I supposed to hide them from everyone in my life? That’s not practical and the guy will demand to be introduced to family/friends or get offended.
Another thing you’re not considering is that if all of my male acquaintances/friends don’t know I have a boyfriend, they will be actively trying to fuck me and that’s annoying. You’re forgetting that telecasting that you have a boyfriend is the best possible way to signal to other men that they shouldn’t hit on you.
6. This question shows where you’re confused. I would *love* to just date for six months or a year. But what you’re forgetting is that MEN WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS. I have never, in my life, met a single guy who I can have sex with who will not insist on monogamy and locking me down. I have literally gone out of my way to seek out scumbags and it still doesn’t matter. It’s in their nature to try to lock down women and if they sense that you’re less interested in monogamy than they are they will become obsessed with trying to block other men from your vagina. Therefore, this idea of just dating/fucking is a fantasy. If I tried to do that I would have no dates because I have literally had men withhold sex from me and tell me that they refuse to have sex with me anymore until they can get a commitment from me. I know you will think I am making that up but I swear I’m not.
7. I’ve already been married and yes I let my ex-husband convince me (during the NRE stage) that I could actually be long-term monogamous by pure force of will. By the time we were actually saying “I do” I was only half-way convinced. And honestly, the guilt, the commitment, the social pressure, and the shame did cause me to hold out for 5 years, which is waaaayyyyyy longer than the 6 month maximum which is my “natural” timeframe.
At this point, I do NOT want to be married ever again. My “plan,” if I had my way, would be to live for the rest of my life with my platonic best friends (either male or female) and have them be my source of companionship and family, while fucking new guys every few months. Basically the Golden Girls model would be the ultimate old-lady life for me and seems way more fun than living with some old guy you can’t stand and have to listen to fart in bed every morning.
However, society won’t let me do this (though I think in the future it will be the preferred way of living). Right now, almost everyone is universally horrified when I tell them that that is my preferred way of living *with the exception of smart women* who always understand why it would be a desirable arrangement. They are the ONLY people who don’t meet the idea with defensiveness, anxiety, or anger.
8. No of course not. I make up a different viable and personalized excuse for each guy which is custom-tailored to preserve his ego and dignity and emotions to the maximum extent possible. I’ve come up with all kinds of crazy things. But the one reason I will *never* tell them is “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore and I want to have sex with other guys” because that is the single worst and most devastating thing for any man to hear from a woman. It is also the *actual* reason that women end ALL relationships except for those with Needy Alphas (who I’ve often still wanted to have sex with but they are so annoying and unpleasant to be around that even the great sex isn’t enough to tolerate them for long).
9. There is zero regimentation and the idea that a *system* is necessary is silly. Let me explain it because it is very, very simple: when you meet a new guy you’re attracted to, you get wet just thinking about him. After a while it takes making out to get you wet. A little while longer and *nothing* will get you wet except for direct stimulation of your vagina while you think about something else that turns you on. And then a little while after that and you will start to feel actively repulsed when he touches you or tries to kiss you and it will take a very strong force of will to not slap his hands away or snap at him out of visceral revulsion.
This will happen even though you think he is the most wonderful person you know and your best friend and you care about him more than anything. And you would do anything to jumpstart your vagina or be attracted like you used to. But it is a completely biological process and works on its own and has nothing to do with your thoughts or opinions or conscious desires. At the beginning of your relationship you will be dripping for him and aroused. Later it will take work to get you there. And still later, nothing in the world will get you there and that’s why there are a billion brands of lube sold (no one needs that in the beginning of a relationship).
10. See above. It is purely biological. Also, after you have been with the same guy for a while and a new guy touches you, your physical reaction will be so volcanic that there is literally nothing to stop it. The longer you’ve been monogamous, the more extreme your reaction to a new man will be. After I was married for 5 years (far and away the longest period of monogamy in my life), the first time I hooked up with a new guy I was literally almost unconscious with arousal and desire. Wild horses will not stop your arousal once it is triggered by a new guy in this manner. Seriously. That is why women will blow up and burn down their entire life and it will just be because their vagina is on fire for a new guy and there is nothing they can do to stop it. See the scene in the movie Unfaithful where Diane Lane’s character is literally convulsing with desire for a dead-on portrayal of what it is like. For guys, I would suggest that the most intense and reactive sex they’ll ever have is with a married woman.
11. I was in love with a few of them. Being actually “in love” makes zero difference as far as the biological mechanism that I described above. In fact I would say it makes for an even starker and more disturbing distinction when your attraction dies, which it will, and not even on a slower track.
The only things that extend the length of the attraction dying track are a highly volatile relationship with a somewhat scary needy alpha (though you will also hate his guts). Sadly, fear does make vaginas wet. I’m convinced this is an evolved protective mechanism to ensure that women are lubricated and supplicant in the presence of a potentially dangerous/violent person, since that would drastically increase their survival rates. There is no solution to any of this and it sucks for women just as much as for guys. I’m not sure you really realize how heartbreaking it is to find that your body is *disgusted* by the person you love most in the world and once loved to kiss and fuck for hours. And there is literally nothing you can do about it. Or how bad it sucks that you will stay most attracted, and for the longest, to a guy that you otherwise can’t stand (a needy alpha). You men might get left, but at least you can love and lust the same person and not have it evaporate in just a few months.
Also, I just want to say that the only reason that all women don’t do the above is that most aren’t attractive or smart enough to be able to. But that’s the only reason. But in the same way that a harem/polygamy is the ultimate expression of man’s unrestrained sexuality, serial monogamy that doesn’t last longer than a few months (maybe a couple years if they have a baby but that is it TOPS) is what all women would do if they were unrestrained. Lots of women are so unattractive that they can’t be sure of getting a new guy so they will stick with their guy purely out of fear and no options. And lots of hot women are so dumb that they allow themselves to be fooled by religious/social conditioning so that even while they naturally enact what I’ve described above, they will never actually be AWARE of it, and they’ll make up all kinds of rationalizations. The tiny handful of very smart and also hot women I’ve known are gigantic man eaters and are absolutely aware of all of this though they will hide it from almost everyone. But you have to be hot enough to have lots of options and smart enough to figure out how to do what you want without inciting the wrath of men and society in order to actually pull it off. All women would if they could, usually only sexy/smart women will.
And sorry for any of you guys looking for some hope, but the hotter your girlfriend is, the more I can give you a 100% guarantee of her cheating on you. The only way to not be cheated on is to have a woman so ugly no one wants her, so dumb she will listen to you for a while (but she will also listen to another guy eventually so this is only a delaying tactic, not a solution), or to physically restrain/threaten her. Other methods work sometimes, such as fear of eternal damnation or social ostracism, but they’re not foolproof.
Thanks for your answers. I’ll read through them more carefully and get back to you. Maybe I’ll do a follow-up post on this.
@Kryptokate
Simply mind-blowing. I feel so lucky one of you finally said what is going on! Damn I wish past girlfriends would have told me this clearly, that they can no longer enjoy sex with me and they need sex badly, instead of just getting cryptic answers and wondering wtf is going on 🙂
I bet your “viable and personalized excuse for each guy which is custom-tailored to preserve his ego and dignity and emotions to the maximum extent possible” are absolutely hilarious :))
This would not be going on nearly as much if it were simply not permitted. I’m talking about physical restriction with regard to “freedom,” suffrage, money/work, etc, and divorce. All of this will need to be taken away, and any males assisting this anti-societal effort (for example, white knights and “alphas” who help them cheat) will need to be subject to restriction and/or legally sanctioned corporal punishment and asset seizure. Probation, temporary or life-long will need to be instituted and all activities that place the id above society will need to be thrashed (literally) out of the mainstream and chased down even in the alleys. Pass it on folks, and keep on thinking free.
This is the exact person my soon to be ex wife is. She has crohns disease and comes from a terrible family. I became worn down over our 6 year relationship. Two and a half of those years being married to her.
I met her when she was 19 and still in a relationship to a terrible guy. She literally was wanting to move me in a month after meeting her. I knew that was a red flag but being 21 and her being so gorgeous I ignored those red flags and thought I could change this girl.
Well I ended up marrying this girl once she became pregnant 3 years ago. Marriage is hard and I knew that going into it. My parents are still together after 35 years but I saw the things they went through t o stay together and knew marriage wasn’t as simple as “I do” and happily ever after. Her parents actually met while both married having an affair with one another.
Basically things got stagnant the last year of our marriage and we were both unhappy. She lost her job and I was the only one bringing money in for a good 6 months. She got bored and doesn’t know how to make herself happy. Ended up getting a Facebook message from a guy saying he had been sleeping with my wife while I was at work. I filed for divorce and it turns out the guy messaged me because my wife told him she couldn’t see him anymore because she had someone else.
She met this new guy at a wedding on November 15th 2014. I filed for divorce in the middle of December. She’s already “facebook official” with this new guy she met a couple months ago while we are still legally married. I couldn’t even imagine trying to start a new relationship so quickly while she is posting photos all over her Facebook wall letting the world know. Even if I did have another woman I would definitely be hiding that fact. Serial monogamist are lost individuals in my eyes. They rely on the person they are in a relationship with to make themselves happy because they don’t genuinely love the person they see in the mirror. My wife had a miscarriage after I proposed. I look at it all as a blessing even though it hurts. I realized I dodged a bullet here.
That’s brutal Tchin
this description of a serial monogamist and the comments by the women who addressed your questions seems to mimic the behavior of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. people with npd tend to use their partner for something (money, shelter, status, etc.) and that wasnt really touched on but im curious if anybody would care to share whether or not serial monogamist are the same as people with npd or if it’s something different altogether. thanks in advance!
NPDquestion,
I think you might be onto something here.
I don’t think it’s “biological” to have an irresistible compulsion to move on in 6 months or less.
Ev Psych says that we are designed to do mating behavior with someone new after the time it takes for children to get old enough to survive without constant attention from the parents, somewhere between 3 to 7 years.
Unless her mating instinct wiring is somehow broken (like homosexuality or prepubescent pedophilia), saying it’s biological sounds more like a justification for a psychological issue.
Myself, I typically lose interest after 2-3 years, but I don’t feel an overwhelming visceral repulsion and compulsion to get someone new at that time.
My opinion is that such an intense reaction after such a short time is a mental problem deep out of conscious awareness.
According to this, your polly ‘girlfriends’ will get bored of you in under three years and move on, is this correct?
Incorrect. We aren’t monogamous, so they never get bored.
They can, and often do, get upset I’m not following the Disney program, then leave and then come back after a while. But they don’t get bored or give me drama.
So what you’re saying is they don’t get bored with a person (“man”), they get bored of monogamy (same old same relationship – predictable lifestyle)?
Both.
Women’s biological wiring, programmed from caveman times, is wired to get bored with a regular, live-in sexual partner beyond about three years.
If you’re Alpha, that 3 years is longer. If you’re not monogamous, it will also take much longer than 3 years. But it will still happen if you’re living together full-time, eventually.
If you’re not living together and not monogamous, the boredom will never happen (though again, the relationsihp can end or pause for other reasons).
Awesome, thank you for clarifying that.
Of course women recover quicker than men after a big break up. They end the relationship on their terms, which means they get almost zero blows to their ego. All those sad betas on the other hand, well their in no such luck. Allot of soul searching will be done by these unlucky men.
When my first ‘sort of’ girlfriend broke up with me for obvious reasons, it took about two weeks to stop missing her. And I lost my affection for that girl even quicker, somewhere within 3 to 5 days. I think I was ‘over her’ emotionally before she was. And I was the one being dumped. The only thing that lingered for a long while was the blow to my self esteem. I think it lasted about 1 year and 3 months before I had recovered fully from that experience.
All these strong and independent women might look back on their ‘succesfull’ relationships with child like glee, but what if the man would have done the dumping? I doubt these women would be high-five-ing their girlfriends and signing happy songs.
The thing is that guys get told from an early age to not hurt a girls feelings. We are told to be gentle, that women are sensitive and all that bullshit. Don’t you think men get bored fucking the same chick for six months? Watching that hot bimbo stroll down the street in her tight yoga pants, eye fucking you because you’ve got a girlfriend with you- going all pre-selection up her perfect squat ass. You know what I’m talking about. That guy wants to bust a new nut just as badly as the girl wants to feel NRE again.
But guys don’t do this and refrain from acting out on their urges because their told it’s inherently bad. Their sexual desire to spread the seed is Satans work! Men are horrible sexist pigs and women are fucking wonderful! This is why women pull the break up trigger so easily. They are told from an early age that men have no emotions, are pigs, only think about sex and so on. They’ve been labelled the bad guy before they even met.
Every time I’ve dumped, turned down or hard nexted a girl she was equally the sobbing mess those beta guys were. That’s really the crux of this whole thing. The one who is dumped has to deal with feelings of rejection and unanswered questions. It’s sudden while the dumper has been preparing for this all along. Women play a though game nowadays, jumping from one guy to the next. Until they meet a guy that dumps them. Then suddenly her composure is gone, for it was never truly tested.
BD,
As far as boredom goes, what if you dated for 3.5 years, but never lived with her? The breakup takes place anyways, but she goes off to get married and all the other SP foolishness. Do you by default become the new exciting guy as she gets bored with her husband?
Yes.
Fair enough. Your blog has been a great motivator. It will help me get through basic training in two months.
It is known that with every orgasm, women get to become attached to their partner. The reason is a hormone called oxytocin. The “serial monogamists” are most likely defective in producing this hormone and would benefit for a treatment. I would certainly assume they are in minority. There is no biological reason why this trait should give an evolutionary advantage….quite the opposite, because such women make bad mothers too (you guess it, the bonding hormone oxytocin is important for motherly love as well).
Like the self-confessed “man-eater” here, I’m also an INTP, but don’t “eat men”….Meaning that personality plays little role. I’m not a serial monogamist, but used to be a serial cheater. Like serial monogamists, I also didn’t get to bond. In my case, because I was unable to orgasm with a man. No orgasm, no oxytocin, no bonding. However, I was perfectly able to orgasm by masturbation. Cheating meant I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, sexually. Once I decided to stop faking orgasms and actually have them with a man, even if it involved using a toy during sex, I became long-term attached.
Your “serial monogamists” may or may not orgasm with you, but most likely they do not produce oxytocin for whatever reason. They should be treatable. I am shocked about how much the “man-eater” INTP, who posted earlier here, had to suffer!
Cheer up, guys. Most women are not like this…..we just like to experiment a bit in our twenties, most often to get to know you (and ourselves) better. No amount of reading (as one of you mentioned) could compensate for life experience!
Incorrect. The same hormone that bonds you to a partner via orgasms is the same exact hormone that makes you sexually bored with that partner within 3 years or so. Therefore, these people are not in the minority; they’re actually behaving according to their biology.
I agree with you that our biology is very flawed in these respects though.
1) Can you point out to a controlled scientific study which concludes that humans DO NOT produce oxytocin after 3 years, since you appear to assume this is the case?
2) Do you have any evidence that “serial monogamists” produce enough of this bonding hormone?
This is obviously something that contradicts your idea that females of the species are apparently shallow, hollow and not suited for proper relationships…. While you are most likely refering to some isolated cases of hormone deficiency.
“Michael Gross, a bio-chemist and science writer who has studied the latest findings, said: “It shows that different hormones are present in the blood when people are acutely in love while there is no evidence of the same hormones in people who have been in a stable relationship for many years.
“In fact the love molecules can disappear as early as 12 months after a relationship has started to be replaced by another chemical glue* that keeps couples together.”
* oxytocin
It’s all in the chemistry!
My advice: make sure your woman does orgasm for real, because this is what drives the oxytocin production. Many young women are unable to orgasm regularly. Google it! Do not question her or put pressure on her to lie! Your P is often not enough, no matter how awsome you think it is! Learn sexual techniques, use fingers, toys, all is trial and error. Do you think she was born with her knowlede of BJs? Become a better lover and a better partner if you want a LTR!
BTW, love after 2-3 years is not only chemically different, but feels different…you are happier and feel “at home” with someone. It’s like the feeling you have when coming home after a very long, tiresome journey. The feeling that you realize that you don’t need to change the world to make it acceptable, because YOU have changed…and are now able to enjoy and be grateful for even the “smallest” things in life.
That is not my contention. My contention is that women get bored sexually with a monogamous partner at around three years, and the reasons for this are biological. Read this for more information and links to scientific data.
I have no idea. Do you have any evidence that they don’t?
This is not my contention and I have never said such a thing. I think women are wonderful beyond words. I’ve said that women get bored with monogamous sexual partners (and then dump them), and men cheat on monogamous sexual partners, and men and women do this because human beings are not long-term monogamous creatures. They’re pair-bonding creatures, but not sexually monogamous creatures; two different things.
If men did all that the divorce would still be around 60-70% and the infidelity rate would still be around 60%. Read this, this, and this for the data. Sexual techniques are great and I’ve recommended them many times, but they do not override 100,000 years of evolution and biology.
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Men can get bored with their monogamous sexual partners, and women do cheat also.
Has Kryptokate ever seen a therapist? Because she reminds me exactlly of my Borderline ex who’s currently seeing one herself.
Oh, now I see. She doesn’t see a therapist to try and fix her repetition complex and therefore stop leaving a trail of broken-hearted men in her wake. She just wants her own bad feels to go away. That’s classic.
When I was 27 I deliberately and explicitly chose the path of serial monogamy. Disaster followed… but I also lucked out.
At 27 I had very little dating experience. I had just spent the past year partying hard and sleeping around, and I was worried that in a few years’ time, my friends would be married with kids (or on that path), and I would still be single and clueless about relationships. My solution? Date a bunch of women seriously and serially for 3-12 months each, and in a few years’ time I would have the experience I needed to know what kind of woman I’d like to settle down with. 🤦
Three weeks later, I’m in a new relationship. A couple months after that, I’m in love. Of course I can’t break up with her. A year into things? You guessed it — same deal. I was not at all ready or willing to end things just to stick to my plan. And so things went for exactly 3 years and 2 months, when she broke up with me and left me heartbroken.
Now, things weren’t all bad. It just so happens that my girlfriend was a sex and relationship therapist. And it just so happens that she was into non-monogamy, to the point of refusing to be in any monogamous relationships. She introduced me to a whole new lifestyle that I raged against at first, but eventually acclimated to, and finally came to enjoy. By the time we broke up, I’d decided non-monogamy was a strictly superior system and I would aim for that in all of my future relationships.
Learnings:
• Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can make serial monogamy work by breaking off your relationships according to some timetable you decided on in advance. You won’t be able to do it. Even if you do, you’ll just be hurting someone you love. It’s a bad plan.
• Jealousy is more societal programming than biological wiring. I suspect that it’s pride mixed with western culture’s norms about the “insult” caused by “your” girl having sex with another man. Pride is biological, sure, but those cultural norms are not. You can largely overcome jealousy by ignoring those norms. I overcame it and it faded away. Let me tell you though, things were painful before that.
• Relationships are hard, period. I was dating an older relationship therapist who knew (and taught me) every tool in the book. By 30 I was probably more skillful at navigating relationship issues than most men in their 40s or 50s. Plus we had an open relationship. Plus she had a high sex drive and always craved sex with me. And guess what? We still had challenges that led to us breaking up. Not that BD has ever said it was, but non-monogamy is not a silver bullet. It’s not just boredom or lack of sex that can end relationships. Many, many, many things can lead to someone not getting their needs met or having their boundaries crossed too many times. Don’t get cocky just because things are good in the present.
• In my case, starting and running a successful business mid-relationship threw a huge wrench into things. I was 29, so my business came first, and that was non-negotiable for me. She pretended to love it at first, but eventually hated it and drama ensued. So I agree with BD — if you’re young and focused on your mission, avoid serious relationships. At the very least, avoid dating anyone with an anxious attachment style (look it up) who will feel threatened by your career.
Serial monogamy can be alluring, but imo BD is correct in advising men to avoid it.
Caveat: I don’t think it’s quite as bad as some here may think. Not all of these women are ice queen man-destroyers. It’s probably only 2-5% of them… the ones who are hot, smart, and a bit sociopathic. But I’d bet most monogamous women mean well. I only say this because I think it’s bad for your game and for your happiness in general to begin resenting the entire female gender. If you get burned in a relationship, blame yourself, not women.
Regardless, serial monogamy is so starkly inferior to polyamory that I don’t see the point in trying it. Get over your jealousy and stick to open relationships.