This is the next installment in the “5-7 Skills” series. In every area of life, there are usually 5-7 key skills you must master to be successful at it. I’ve already covered the skills you need for online dating here and the skills you need for nonmonogamous relationships here. Today I’m going to cover real-life dating skills, when you are face-to-face with a woman. There are five skills you must get good at in order to make this work in your life.
This gets a little complicated since “real life dating” can mean many different things. It can mean everything from daygame, to night game, to going out on a fourth beta male dinner date, to trying to game some woman in your social circle.
So to make this more clear, in this article, when I say “real-life dating” I mean when you are face-to-face with a woman you’re trying to have sex with, in real life, but you’re not at a dance club, bar, or other night game location in the evening and she has not been drinking any alcohol.
This is because I have zero night game experience so I can’t give advice regarding it. I’m sure some of these things may help you with night game, but again, I have no experience with that so I have no idea.
Therefore, these five skills apply to daygame, social circle game, and the one or two real-life dates necessary for proper online dating (both types of sugar daddy game included).
As always, the five skills are not listed in any particular order since they’re all critical. If you’re at least “decent” at all of them, you will get laid, and with attractive women. If you are bad at even one or two of them, you might get laid, but it will be difficult and you’ll have to work much harder. If you’re bad at more than two of them, you’re probably not going to get laid at all unless you either pay for it (or perhaps settle for average or below-average women).
1. Temporarily Faking Confidence and Outcome Independence Until You Have Them For Real
“Inner game” really means confidence and outcome independence, two things I talk about a great deal in my books.
Confidence means you are self-assured in your abilities to accomplish the things you want in life. You know you’re not perfect, but you know you have the skills necessary to get what you want, and aren’t super worried about it.
Outcome independence means you don’t give a shit about how any particular scenario (first date, particular woman, etc) ends up. If it works out, great. If it fails and you never see her again, you honestly aren’t bothered at all and are on the next woman on the list. And she can tell you don’t care. (You’re polite and pleasant, but you don’t give a shit.)
Confidence and OI are the two most attractive non-physical qualities to women you can possibly have.
Confidence and OI are not skills. They are qualities. However, if you don’t have both of them yet, the skill you must learn is how to fake it until you make it. If you’re not confident or outcome independent yet, you need to at least pretend you are while you interact with her. If you act nervous (meaning not confident) or needy (meaning not outcome independent), then her attraction will drop. So you have to at least learn how to pretend until such time as these two things become natural for you.
I talk about confidence and outcome independence in great detail in The Unchained Man and Get To Sex Fast.
2. Optimizing Physical Appearance
This is an obvious one and the one everyone likes to focus on. It’s not the be-all, end-all that a lot of angry guys think it is, but it’s still core and important.
Being good at dating, seduction, whatever you want to call it, requires that you optimize your external appearance as much as humanly possible within the constraints of your genetics, race, age, and budget.
That means for your genetics, race, age, and budget, you are on the higher end of attractiveness. Taking myself as an example, I’m a 47 year-old American man. I’m not good-looking, I’m not ripped or anything, but compared to the typical 47 year-old American guy, I’m easily in the top 10-15% within that demographic in terms of physical attractiveness. I look decent, my skin is great, my teeth are great, I have a full head of hair, my body language is confident, my movements are fluid and high-energy, I dress well, and so on. This is because I’ve spent the time (and in some cases, money) to optimize my physical appearance as best I can for a 47 year-old guy with my genetics.
Failure to do this doesn’t (necessarily) mean you can’t get laid, or even can’t get laid with attractive women, but it does mean that you’ll have to work much harder, and put in much more time, work, and numbers to get the results you want.
Optimizing your physical appearance must be done. Moreover, doing so offers numerous other benefits to you that have nothing to do with women (as I talked about here), such as better health, higher quality of life, higher self-esteem, and higher income.
3. Mastering The Correct Sequence
Getting to sex as fast as possible requires you to do certain things, at certain times, in a certain order. You don’t kino a girl within the first 10 seconds, you don’t try to have sex with her within the first five minutes, you don’t discuss the relationship on the first date, and so on.
You must know what these things are and when they need to be done.
If you:
- Don’t know what these things are.
- Know what these things are, but don’t exactly know how to do them.
- Know what they are, but don’t exactly know when they should be done in the process.
- Know what they are and when they need to be done, but often forget because you get too excited or comfortable.
…then you won’t be very effective. You need to know what these things are, how to do them, when they need to be done, and you actually need to do them near 100% of the time.
Fortunately, this is probably the easiest skill to learn of all the ones listed here. You just get a good book that teaches you these things (Get To Sex Fast is mine; highly recommend it) then go on a bunch of first dates (or similar interactions) and practice the sequence until you get it down.
4. Sexual Escalation
This means you actually have the balls, and it does take balls, to physically start the process of having sex, or at least getting very sexual.
This one is really hard if you don’t have a lot of sexual experience. The biggest reasons men remain virgins for so long is not because they’re losers or because they’re shy around women; no, it’s because they don’t know how to sexually escalate.
This was something I really had to focus on. It took me a good year of practice before I got good at it. Today, I have 100% confidence with it and I do it without even thinking (again, when it’s appropriate in the process and not before!).
You must learn how to sexually escalate, when it should be done, and most importantly, have the bravery and outcome independence to actually DO IT when it’s required. It’s key.
5. Balancing Comfort and Attraction
Mystery said it almost 20 years ago and he was right. Before having sex with you for the first time, a woman must have two things: comfort and attraction. She must have both, not one or the other. Moreover, she can’t have too much of either.
If you achieve attraction but not comfort, she won’t have sex with you because she’ll be too scared or her ASD will be too high. Not good!
If you have zero comfort but absolutely skyrocket attraction, she might have sex with you once but then never see you again. Not good! (Unless all you want are one night stands.)
If you have comfort but not enough attraction, she’ll put you in “make him wait” mode and expect more dates out of you before any sex occurs. Not good! (Honestly, I’d rather she just refuse to see me again.)
If you have zero attraction but skyrocket comfort, she’ll put you in friend zone, and now you’re out of luck. Not good!
But, if you have a high amount of comfort while also having a high amount of attraction, she’ll have sex with you very quickly, and continue to have sex with you for a long time under any type of relationship you want.
You must learn how to achieve a high degree of comfort and attraction without generating too much or too little of both.
That’s it! If you get even decently good at all five of the above items, you’re all done. You’ll be able to have sex with new women whenever you want or need, and with minimal effort.
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Very high quality post.
To confidence, I’d also add the second part of the definition from the book “The Manual” by W. Anton: confidence is also being comfortable with not knowing the outcome, i.e. being positive/motivated.
Great point/guidelines – the biggest challenges for me currently would be #3 (just winging it) and #5 (too much comfort).
@BD
I’m 168 cm(approximately 5 feet and 6 inches). I live in US so I’m shorter than average. I’m overall above average for physical appearance but I’m loosing at height. To fix this I may get a 3″ tall shoes and can potentially date more taller women but eventually these women will figure out I’m not actually 176 cm tall. would you suggest this or should I be just me with normal shoes and target shorter women only?
i’d say comfort is b.s esp for early intermediate/beginners. Because chances are you may be talking too much by explaining your vulnerabilities during comfort phase. And you wouldn’t know whether what you said turns her off or not. Best case is shut up, use non verbal escalation while getting her to invest in conversation.
Yes. If your height bothers you (and it shouldn’t if you’re 5’6″; tons of guys are 5’6″), get some good elevator shoes. Links to a few sites are at excuse #2 here.
Correct, that is usually the case by far, but there’s also a decent percentage of intermediate/beginners right out of the PUA world who are way too scripted and “gamey” and kill comfort because they’re overdoing it. There are also guys like I was who are beginners who overcompensate for beta-ness and think they need to go full asshole; they also damage comfort.
Black Dragon: I saw this and thought you might want to write an article about it. It’s a study that shows unmarried couples living separately have the highest rates of sexual satisfaction, Married Couples have the 2nd lowest rates, with people that don’t have a (sexual?) partner showing the lowest rates.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/happy-singlehood/201905/does-marriage-really-improve-sexual-satisfaction
Tell us about what is the best time to have the talk?
Should it be on a dinner outside? Right before sex? Right after it? When is ‘usually’ the best time to have the talk?
essentially for the confidence part you’re saying……hang in the fight until the momentum of success turns your way and you feel confident through experience.
right?
He talks about all of this in his book “The Ultimate Open Relationship Manual” http://www.haveopenrelationships.com/sales23055726
Interesting, but pretty obvious.
Get that book.
Right. And if you hit it hard, you won’t have very long to wait.
I am rather new to this “dating game”. I am 40 and recently divorced. This blog has been a major help. I have been very successful with woman in general by following BD’s rules although I do deviate with certain things. There have however been a few similarities when it comes to success with woman. Most of them have mentioned the words “You are dangerous” along with “I feel safe with you” shortly before or after sex. This is nothing more than “attraction” and “comfort” as mentioned by BD.
My psychical appearance is okay although I am the type you either like or don’t in terms of looks so if she says yes for the date I am rather sure the attractiveness box is ticked.
If I may add a tip – you have to make them laugh. Woman loves men with a sense of humor………..
Thanks to your books and blog, I have become okay/decent in all 5 skills. This is the first time in my life I can feel the abundance in my women life and I have to say it’s a very sweet spot to be in.
Not only I have 1 OLTR and 3 young FBs on rotation, but I also know for a fact that I can have sex with 3+ new attractive girls in the next month if I decide to hit the market hard.
That’s a good feeling!
How long did it take you to reach that level?
Yes, and that is almost exactly what you want to hear from a woman; both of those things at the same time. That’s a strong indication you’re doing a lot correctly.
If she thinks you’re dangerous, you’re not getting laid (or not getting laid for very long).
If she thinks you’re safe, you’re in for hardcore drama and/or betaization very soon (if not already).
But if she has both at the same time, you’re in.
Perfect! OLTR + a few FBs is my favorite configuration. 🙂
Most funny guys are Beta males. That’s shit women say (got to have a sense of humor) just before they jump on the back of a Harley and rides off with Joe hard ass who only cracks a smile when he blasts the exhaust on his bike.
Women think guys they are attracted to are funny. So if she is laughing at what you said it’s more than likely because she likes you, not necessarily because you have a sense of humor.
Hi Bd
I’m in dilemma regarding the physical appearance optimization
I’m 24 years old 5’7 and 130 lbs which is considered skinny
Assuming I work and have limited time:
Should I prioritize hitting the gym to add muscle mass and temporary quit putting the numbers in
or
Focus on putting the numbers in and take it easy on the gym?
What’s your opinion?
@The kir
You are kidding, right?
For weight gain gym takes one hour a day three to four days a week.
How the heck it is going to stop you from putting the numbers in?
You can get laid just fine without gigantic Arnold muscles. If you only have enough time to put in the numbers OR lift weights, then of course my answer is to put in the numbers.
Joe Funny will get thrown in the friend zone and will be frustrated unless he’s outcome independent, then he just goes to the next chick, but Joe Hardass only gets one night stands, unless he’s blasting the exhaust on his bike to impress people, which he is likely doing. The best thing is to be Joe Funny AND Joe Hardass, not just one.
LMS + These five things + Asking out 20 chicks a week = Get chicks no matter how funny you are or how cool your ride is 😉
There’s a lot of different ways of being funny. A sharp sense of humor is cool, self deprecating clowning isn’t. No point pretending to slip over on a banana skin on a first date.
There is a misconception that an Alpha male needs to be an arsehole. Why cant an Alpha be funny and have a sense of humor?
BD is hilarious – listen to his podcasts and read his blogs. For me a sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. I believe that when you make woman laugh that they trust you easier. And I don’t mean tell jokes. Rather be sharp and witty – they love that.
I always ask for their number after I made them laugh and 90% of the time they give it to me even though we have only been talking an hour or so online……………….
I started reading PUA books/forums in 2014 and found BD’s blog in 2016. However, most of them were just casual reading and inner-game self-strengthening of sort. I only started putting it in practice and hit my first blitz in 2017, when I finally had some free time.
I don’t have time to optimize my profile and just use photos shot by smartphone instead of professional ones like BD recommended, thus my opener-to-date ratio is not good, only about 10-15%. However, I have like 80%+ date-to-lay ratio, means I can quickly have sex with 4 out of every 5 girls I meet, in the 2nd or 3rd date. Every time I do a blitz, I have to deal with a quality problem of having too much sex with different new girls in a week in order to lock them in (done 6/7, only need 3, Cialis helps). Some did ONS me though.
My main objective these days is not sarging girls, but keeping hot FBs on rotation as long as possible (can’t upgrade them since I have OLTR) so I can avoid doing blitz every once in a while. Sadly, BD doesn’t have any special technique about it, other than ”orgasm and good talk afterward”.
If anyone knows any guru specializing in keeping hot, long-term FB, it will be much appreciated.
“I don’t have time to optimize my profile and just use photos shot by smartphone instead of professional ones like BD recommended, thus my opener-to-date ratio is not good, only about 10-15%.”
I though my profile was okay. Turns out it wasn’t. If I can offer you one tip – get a girlfriend to do your profile for you. My one girlfriend picked 6 photos for Tinder, filtered some of them (she did not use one that I was using) and she wrote a wicked description of me – everything true but in a stylish way. Since then I have gotten 10 x more likes on Tinder. Turns out you see yourself a lot different than woman do. So get a woman to choose what she likes.
Hope this makes sense
Take a low frequency/ high yield approach to the gym. Either 1-2 big workouts per week, or 4-5 very short but very efficient workouts (whichever fits best into your busy schedule). Focus 95% on big compound lifts and on few, intense sets (press, row, pulldown, squat, deadlift), don’t give a rat’s ass about small isolation exercises, and prioritize adding weight and reps in the medium rep range whenever possible, while getting as much daily animal protein as possible. Unless this leaves you sore all week, which it might in the beginning (lol), you can shift your attention to dating the rest of time.
A lot of alpha males are funny also. Or try to be funny becuase they’ve heard women like a sense of humor.
My disagreement was with your assertion “you have to make them laugh” as an absolute. The example of the asshole harley (guy was just a counter to say plenty of guys do without it. Sense of humor is good but not required. I get laid many times by just smiling, nodding, asking questions about them, and then well timed escalation. It’s all about frame and knowing when to set the hook.
You need to clear the emotions and slowly re-read what you just wrote.
It’s an issue of degree.
Being funny is important; one of my core techniques for first dates is to make her laugh, at least a little, every few minutes. Getting from zero to sex quickly by being serious the entire time is going to be damn near impossible.
And at the same time, you can’t go too far with it and a hell of a lot of men do, perhaps even most men. If you overdo it (which again, is very easy to do) you get into clown mode which shoves you directly into eternal friend zone. I talked about this here when I spoke about Asian guys who do this.
So yes, you need to be funny, but only to a point, then stop!
It takes some daring to call “humour” what will make a woman laugh.
In reality, humour involves subtlety, irony, thus a fair measure of complexity, thus is an instant chat-breaker, date-breaker, courtship-breaker, and deal-breaker, because, at least, it will confuse them.
Better call the plays we are required to perform lowest-common-denominator pranks and banter, since that’s what they are?
Can you do a blog post about 5-7 skills needed for Sales/Marketing ( aka making cash )?