Big topic today — and an unfortunate one. A lot of you guys have been asking about this, and I’m here to help. Today I’m going to show you how to get divorced as safely as possible. If you’re in a traditional monogamous marriage with no prenuptial agreement, this is how you get out of there in the least bad way you possibly can.
Divorces suck. I went through this myself many years ago. I have coached a lot of guys through this process, and it’s no fun, but the rewards are oh so worth it!
You have to do this in a way that causes the least amount of chaos possible and poses the lowest financial risk. A lot of guys fuck this up. Keep in mind, this is a big topic and there’s only so much I can cover in a single article, but I’ll do my best to be comprehensive.
Take this step by step, and you will come out ahead.
Step 1: Don’t fight.
This is when you’re still living with your wife. You have to plan on leaving — in advance. Be strategic and smart about this. The one big edge that we men have is that we can control our emotions a little better than women can (and yes, there are always exceptions to the rule). Use that to your advantage. Don’t go to war against your wife; be smart and strategic. If she’s screaming and yelling, play it beta for a while until you can get the fuck out of there, because that’s the objective.
The more you fight with your wife during this process, the worse it’s going to be for everyone, including (and especially) your children, if you have any.
Step 2: Get a Safety Deposit Box
This is one of the first things you need to do when you’re getting ready to leave your wife. I did this myself. Go to a bank you don’t normally bank at, open a safety deposit box, and start shoving cash into it.
Don’t open an account, you just want a lot of cash with no paper trail. It will cost money to hire an attorney, move out, get an apartment if you need one, and so on. You’ll need to be able to afford these things, so you’ll need the cash on hand. And again, don’t set this up in a checking or savings account — cash, cash, cash! She’ll have no access to it and no idea it’s there, which is what you need right now.
(Note: In the past I have recommended against using safety deposit boxes and that recommendation still stands. During a divorce this is a temporary exception only; you can dump the box once you’re moved out.)
Step 3: Set Up a New Mailing Address
During the divorce process, you will need a way to receive mail that your wife doesn’t have access to; you can’t have mail sent to your house because she’ll intercept it, especially if you move out.
Just go to a post office, a UPS store, or one of those Postal Annex locations and set up a post office box. Like the safety deposit box, it’s just temporary; you’ll only be using it for a year or two at the very most. But you need a separate active mailing address. Get that set up in your name only, of course.
While you’re doing this, keep shoving cash into your safety deposit box — every week, if at all possible.
Step 4: Locate an Apartment
Some of you are probably thinking, “Wait a minute — a real Alpha Male kicks that wife out of HIS house!!! I ain’t moving out myself!!!”
If you’re in a traditional monogamous marriage and you tell her to get out of the house, what is she most likely going to do? She’s going to laugh in your face. Then what? Are you going to physically pick her up and carry her out? Yeah, sorry, in the Western world she’ll call the cops and you’ll go to jail.
If you’re married to a normal, everyday wife — not some little submissive thing — you’re going to have to plan on getting a small, cheap studio apartment somewhere so you can be a man again and not have to deal with a ranting ex-wife. Again, it’s only temporary. Make the assumption in advance that she’s not going to leave the house and make living arrangements elsewhere.
You’ll want it to be reasonably close to the house if you have children. If you don’t, it can be anywhere in the city you want. Find out all the details: rent, deposits, how quickly you can move in, everything. Write up a budget so you know exactly what and when you’ll be paying.
You can even go there and fill out the application in advance so you’re ready to move out at a moment’s notice, if necessary, or you can plan to move out on a certain date.
The idea is to find something cheap. You’re going to be maintaining two households for a while, so unless you have a high income, find something as cheap as you can stand.
Step 5: Line Up Movers and an Attorney
Unless you have a bunch of buddies who are really reliable, pay the money and hire real movers. That way, you know it’ll get done. Find out how much you have to move so you know what you’re up against.
While you’re at it, take this opportunity to clean out your life. Get rid of old clothes, all the old junk in the garage, clean everything out, and get to the point where you don’t have to move a lot of stuff.
Also, find an attorney. If you have no idea where to begin, the best place to start is by talking to someone who got divorced and liked his results. If you don’t have anyone who can refer you, you’ll need to contact your local bar association (or the equivalent if you live outside the United States) and let them know you need a divorce attorney. More experience is better; find one with 10+ years, if possible.
You want to get the legal process rolling now. Don’t wait until you move out. This is part of what the cash in the safety deposit box is for. Get it moving. Just don’t serve your wife papers until you’ve moved out.
Step 6: Quietly Separate Finances
Most likely, if you’re a typical married couple, you have a bunch of checking and savings accounts with both your names on it. You’ll need to set up your own accounts (either at the same bank or at a different bank) with just your name on them and start operating under those accounts.
You see, we’re making a separation here. You’ve already got your own cash, mailing address, and an apartment lined up, so now you need to start separating your finances — slowly, quietly, and carefully.
Don’t make a big deal about this. Don’t go to your wife and announce that you’re setting up your own accounts because she’s being a bitch. (Guys actually do this.) No. Shut the fuck up. Be a ninja. The first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club; the first rule about divorcing your traditional monogamous wife is that you don’t tip her off about it until you’re 100% moved out and far away from her irrationality and drama. Be smart and control yourself.
Step 7: Move Out
Set a date and move out. You have all these other things set up and ready to go, so you’re good to go now.
Obviously, you want to move out when she’s not home. That’s what I did. I waited for a day when I knew she’d be gone for at least four hours, scheduled the movers, and as soon as she left, the movers came in and we hauled ass. This means you’ll probably want to pack the night before. You’ll have a limited window of time, so quietly pack as much as you can the night before without her getting suspicious. Once she’s gone, get moved out, and that way, there won’t be any fighting or screaming.
Step 8: Get the Legal Part Done ASAP
Once you’re moved out and you’re going through the divorce process — in the U.S., that means you’ve served her papers — your goal is to get that process over with as quickly as you can. Most guys are stupid about this and they drag it out. I dragged mine out for two-and-a-half years because I was dumbshit.
Don’t do that. GET IT OVER WITH.
I’ve talked to guys who didn’t do this, who dragged things out, and went to war, and spent between $50,000 and $100,000+ in attorney fees. I don’t care how wrong your wife is, that’s just flat-out stupid. If your goal is to go to war against your wife, you will lose. Divorce is an industry, especially in the United States. It is designed to be expensive — for you, the man. If you’re the breadwinner; it won’t be very expensive for her (yes, there are always exceptions).
The other thing is, most of the laws, particularly in the United States, Canada, and Western Europe, are going to favor her, not you. You are fighting a losing battle if you want to turn this into a war.
The best revenge, if you’re really mad at your ex-wife, is to get divorced and then date super-hot young girls and get super successful after the divorce is over. The worst revenge is to go to war against her legally and spend your entire retirement paying goddamn divorce attorneys.
Get it done, even if you have to give up a little in negotiating the final deal. You might have to make some sacrifices to get it done quickly. Suck it up and do it.
By the way, your attorney will probably advise you not to do it this way. Your attorney will encourage you to fight, because the longer this draws out and the longer the attorneys fight each other, the more money they make. Be aware of this.
One Final Note
I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t cover the emotional aspect of this stuff, and that’s the hardest part. It’s hard to get divorced. It’s hard to move out — triple that if you have kids. Triple that again if your kids are little. I went through it, and it was one of the worst days of my life. It was terrible, but it had to be done. But you’ll be a better person for it, you’ll be a happier man for it, and in many cases (not all), your children will be happier too, especially if your marriage is really bad.
I’ve had numerous guys on my blogs say this and I experienced it myself: Several months after the pain of the divorce is over, you will feel happier than you have ever felt in your entire life, especially if you embrace the Alpha Male 2.0 lifestyle model. You won’t believe how happy you’ll be, but you’ve got to climb this mountain first.
I had it easy, she just moved out! Where I messed up was Step 8. She offered I give her $60,000 and I should of right there. Instead I fought it because we were only married 3 years and didn’t contribute anything. She lied in court and it ended up costing me near $200,000 and 3 years of hell. Settle fast and move on. Also, visit the best or crooked attorneys first consultation and then she can’t hire them.
Hi Caleb,
What would you suggest if divorce would result in extreme hardship for the partner (e.g. severe health issues and residency based on marriage)?
I’d reckon an open marriage is the answer, but:
There is no romantic relationship left
Partner has anxiety issues and constantly accuses me of cheating (I’m not)
Wouldn’t that give her a “nuclear” button to push once my business gets off the ground?
I wouldn’t be opposed to allowing her a place to live, living expenses and health insurance – if that would mean I can be free to chase my own dreams (which is not immediately fuck every woman on the block – the goal is simply to setup with 1-2 FB’s or MLTR’s and never getting in a serious relatioship ever again while focusing on building an empire).
Is that realistic – or simply being too nice (or being too cowardly) and should I accept that someone is going to get hurt – no matter the outcome – and it is best that person is not me?
Marriage established in the United States. Living in Europe.
There exists another method of getting divorced that may be “slightly cheaper” but requires incredibly big balls and a complete lack of empathy to pull off: quietly (as in behind your wife’s back) get a citizenship to another country that US regulatory tentacles can’t touch and move there permanently.
That is EXACTLY how it works. Guys spend 5x or even 10x what they would have paid if they had just sucked up their egos and paid ASAP instead of going to war.
Yes. If the marriage isn’t working (and yours is clearly toxic) it needs to end, period. Yes, it will be hard for you and her, but it will be much harder for both of you if you continue to stay with each other in a toxic relationship for years and years.
Think of it as a line graph with both of your pain levels set to 7 or 8 (out of 10) forever vs one where it spikes to 10 for a period of time and then drops down to 2 or 3 forever.
Missing advice that I really feel is Alpha 2.0 here is to do what I did. I’ve mentioned this on your blog before, but I found some advice similar to yours that I’ve been unable to find ever since. This mainly only works if still living with your wife.
It suggested to completely change your life and way of thinking. Figure out how to look and dress your best. Absolutely do not cry or whine to your ex and try to get her back. You must behave as though you have moved on already and are getting started on your new and happier life. Be busy and appear to be having a blast all the time when you are away. If she starts to ask questions about what you are doing, be vague and don’t give details. The idea is to get her thinking that you are out there getting women right now and having a blast. But do not provide any sort of evidence of other women. The goal is to get her to think she can interrupt you and get you back before you go find a new woman. For me this worked. I changed my hair, beard, clothing, and began being gone all the time.
When she’d see me I’d be in great spirits and happy as can be. She wanted to know where I was going. “Visiting some friends.” No more detail than that. She wanted to know why I did this or that. Why I changed my look. I actually told her nicely not to concern herself with me and that I would be just fine. She was aggravated with that answer. However all of this worked to get her trying to get me back.
Once she began trying to get me back, it was pretty easy to work out a fair divorce. I told her we were going through with the divorce even though she didn’t want to. I explained that our marriage had been ruined and I would never feel ok continuing on with it. She wanted to work things out so I said we can work on a relationship and start over like new. If things go right, maybe we can some day get remarried. She reluctantly agreed. Since we remained living together, I told her we needed to do an amicable divorce and in a way that did not require either to pay any child support. She agreed to a completely 50/50 fair divorce and custody. After that was finalized, I left her for good.
Was it deceptive? Well I didn’t intend exactly to do it this way. When I gave her another chance, I did honestly try to see if it could work but it didn’t. However because she was trying to win me over and get me back, she agreed to everything on equal and fair terms. I would have got screwed otherwise. We had begun the process before she wanted me back, and I had already made agreements that disadvantaged me. I ended up getting those all changed to equal and fair agreements. To this day we get along ok. I kept sleeping with her up to and including the day before she married her new husband. Then I kept sleeping with her for a couple more years til her husband started to catch on to it and made her go get counseling and she cut me off ever since. I don’t know if there is any way I could have done the divorce better.
this all assumes you still want her
Other than the monogamy aspect that’s all fine, but that is how to repair a damaged marriage if you still love her and honestly want to be with her forever. This article and video are for men who are past that point; they know they don’t want to be with their wives anymore and/or they know the marriage is too damaged to repair.
How fix a damaged marriage is an entirely different topic than how to get divorced.
Oh I see. You’re recommending this entire thing as a divorce technique. My answer to that is: A) that may work with some women in some scenarios but not others; I think one of the reasons it worked for you was luck, and B) the vast majority of traditionally monogamously married men in a shitty marriage are not going to have the patience or emotional control to play it cool for several months to calm the wife down before they suddenly drop the divorce hammer.
Compare this to my article above where just about everything I recommend is possible for the vast majority of “normal” married guys.
Well, then you just reversed it again and we’re right back to what I said at the start. This technique is for men who still want to stay with their wives on some level like you did. For guys like that, sure, they can attempt something like that if they have the emotional control (and most won’t). But for most guys looking to get divorced, they need to get divorced.
When I divorced my first wife I had near zero desire to stay with her (and what little desire there was for my kids, not for her), and we had already tried a bunch of things to fix things (new techniques, marriage counseling, etc) which didn’t work, therefore, it was time to leave.
No it doesn’t. Nothing about it requires you to want her.
Just being honest. That bit of advice I found online was the first Alpha 2 type advice I’d ever heard. I gave her a change to have me back, then right after that, I started being non-mono and then shortly after that found Blackdragon’s Blog. Just because I was giving her an actual shot to win me back monogamously, doesn’t mean that you have to actually be wanting her back. You don’t have to actually be giving her a real chance to win you back if you don’t want to. You could just play the part. Anyway yes you could be correct that some of that was luck. Also you are soooooo correct that most married monogamous men couldn’t pull it off. The article that convinced me to do this had repeatedly drilled in the point that it goes entirely against everything you’ll want to do. Sounded almost exactly the same as your advice about when you are nexted by a woman. The only difference is you don’t go entirely radio silent on her but you definitely do not want to “try and win her back” or do anything that appears as such.
I have tried to get friends who were in the same situation as me to do this same method I did, but they cannot resist bawling and crying and begging and bugging her constantly which is the exact opposite of what needs to be done for this to work, however if men could overcome these urges then I don’t think luck is as big a factor. My ex lost interest in her new boyfriend and wanted me back. It’s basically a transition of sorts from beta to alpha 2 and the distinction of appearing to be an entirely different man who suddenly has his balls back is enough to win back the woman in many cases, I believe.
Uhhh re-read your own sentence. Yes it does. If you didn’t want her back you would never give her a shot to win you back.
That part I agree with, you want to end it and never want her back but you deceive her for a few months to get a better divorce that is definitely going to happen soon; I already responded with my opinion regarding that technique.
And it is 100% correct that once you are divorced, at some point as a man, you reach a point of extreme happiness. I have realized I’m still there but I’m just used to it now. I wish I could get that original feeling or “high” back because I felt like a rockstar for few years actually after being divorced. Having a rotation of women adds to it. I’m still that happy, but that’s my normal now. I have an urge to get that happiness high back again and I’m sure it can be done but must be done some other way, probably unrelated to my women life.
Moving out before the divorce is finalized is bad advice if you want to remain part of your children’s lives. It means you’ll fail when you try for joint custody; you’ll get the absolute minimum parenting time the law allows; and then your ex will be free to illegally restrict your parenting time even beyond that, since the police and courts don’t give a damn.
I have spoken to numerous divorce attorneys and I have never heard this nor seen it happen.
@hollywood “And it is 100% correct that once you are divorced, at some point as a man, you reach a point of extreme happiness. I have realized I’m still there but I’m just used to it now. I wish I could get that original feeling or “high” back because I felt like a rockstar for few years actually after being divorced. Having a rotation of women adds to it. I’m still that happy, but that’s my normal now. I have an urge to get that happiness high back again and I’m sure it can be done but must be done some other way, probably unrelated to my women life.”
Hollywood, if you can cause yourself to re-live the feelings that you went through that should make you feel the contrast with your current state, which should remind you of how fortunate you are, and amplify your happiness. What you wrote here about your divorce should be having that effect on you. Of course, continue to plan your life path, the further things you will do in business and lifestyle. These things all add up to remind me. In fact, when I do this, sometimes I shudder at the thought of if I had stayed married.. Always be improving, but never forget the past. I just wrote my own divorce experience (may add it here as a comment) and will go home happier than I was earlier today..
@ Blackdragon
I think you are probably correct in your reply to Keven Van Horn, and I mostly agree with you. However, here in the Chicago metro area in the state of Illinois, I have heard radio advertisements from divorce attorneys saying the same thing Kevin Van Horn did. You as a man may still want to flee the house before the wife calls the police saying you are a domestic abuser though. As always, consult an attorney first as jurisdictions are different and it is in your best interest to do so just like Blackdragon said above.
I’m still amazed how most guys don’t understand the simple principle behind divorce and serious break-ups:
Divorce is when your loving and caring soulmate transforms into an irrational being trying to vent her frustrations onto YOU!
It doesn’t matter who’s to blame, who did what, if there’s kids or not, if yours or her family and friends said something, YOU are the culprit for it all. Period.
This is why you can’t play “fair” anymore. You need to get it done quickly and in the smartest way possible, and move on with your life.
That’s advertising with the intent of selling you something. Probably not the best source of information from which to base your arguments and tactics. (As a matter of fact, that’s actually what I thought when I first read his comment; that he was quoting some kind of advertisement from an attorney or law firm.)
As I’ve been saying for over a decade now: The reason for the drama is irrelevant. Therefore you shouldn’t put up with it.
@ Blackdragon
The divorcing man needs to ask his attorney first, foremost and always about how leaving the home may affect child support, child visitation( time and conditions spent with children) and alimony as well as other legal and financial etc. issues about divorce. Attorneys would not advertise this you could pay more in child support, alimony and have worse child visitation rights if it were not possible no matter how small the possibility. As I stated before, the accusation of being accused of abuse on anything being leveled at the man, husband and father go up significantly in a divorce situation and a man may want to leave just to reduce his risk so he should mention this to his attorney for his own and children’s well being.
Correct. Everyone needs to check with a qualified attorney before making any major moves.
Ninja
One of the things you talk about is that when you get out to start living an Alpha 2.0 lifestyle. However, that is difficult right now because of Covid. Getting hooked up with women is very hard (though to be honest I think location independent business is probably easier, given the lockdowns, hopefully a precedent for the future.)
I’d love to read an article from you on “dating during the covid crisis”.
But the biggest cost is not in the fighting. It is in minimizing things like Alimony, and getting joint custody rather than default mother custody.
How does one navigate that?
You work with your attorney through that stuff as best you can. But don’t go to war. If you do, you will lose one way or the other.
@ Blackdragon
Since most men will be ant combination of the following: financially unprepared, emotionally unprepared, served divorce papers by their wives(at least66%) rather than serving them and partially or fully not expecting to be served divorce papers, what is your advice?
Off Topic: Jerry Falwell Jr. got caught acting like a cuckold filming etc. his wife Becky having sex with other men. You are right that it is getting harder to have sexual privacy and other privacy.
Thanks for agreeing with me with your last comment.
And soon it will be impossible.