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-By Caleb Jones
Today I'm not going to focus on the social or political aspects of single mothers. I've discussed that before already. I am also not going to talk about the damage single mothers cause themselves nor the delusions some women use to defend single mothers. I've discussed those topics to death.
Instead, today I will discuss the practical aspects and techniques regarding dating single mothers, including their pros and cons as serious lovers and/or casual sexual partners. Many of you may choose to completely screen out single mothers altogether. Totally fine. I don't do that, namely because I don't screen, but mostly because more than 50% of unmarried women out there in the world already have children, and many of these women are as hot and desirable as you could want. But again, if you choose to eschew single mothers altogether go right ahead...this article won't really apply to you.
Provider Hunter Status
The first thing most men worry about is that single mothers are more likely to be provider hunters. I can tell you from vast personal experience this is rarely the case. It's usually age and personality that determines provider hunter status, not motherhood.
There are plenty of super hot mothers between the ages of 18 and 33 who are not looking for a provider in any sense of the word. Over 33, there are indeed many provider hunters, but that's because they're over 33, not because they have children. (I have run into plenty over-33 provider hunters who did not have any kids. Again, the issue is age, not motherhood status.)
So if you find a single mother on your radar and she's under the age of 33, don't worry about her looking for some man to marry ASAP to help her raise her kids. This is usually not the case. (Her own mother and the government welfare state are her "husband"...she doesn't need you.)
Now we're getting into something that really can be a problem with single mothers, and that's logistics. Scheduling dates and meets with single mothers is often extremely difficult. It's even harder if she doesn't have access to a car. Most single mothers lack the funds to hire babysitters whenever they want. Even worse, most single mothers have this attitude of "I don't trust anyone except my mom to watch my kids". (Even if her mother is a complete loser.)
This all means you are often limited to whenever these women can get their moms to watch their kids for them...which may not be very often. Add to that the single mother's job or school, and you have some truly interesting scheduling challenges.
Here are several ways I have alleviated this problem in the past:
- Do the driving. That means you're picking her up, bringing her back to your place, having funky funky time, then driving her back home. (Frankly, there are times I have to do this with women who don't have any kids also, particularly younger women or poorer women.)
- Meet up during the daytime if you can. That's when the kids are in school. Even if they're not in school, it's often easier for these women to get family members to watch the kiddies during the daytime. This often works better for younger single mothers (under 25) who don't work or work during the evenings.
- Meet up with her later in the evening, at her place, after the kids have gone to bed. I've done a lot of this in the past, particularly with women over 30 who really don't want to go "out". It works very well. Often the woman has already had a glass of wine or two by the time you've arrived (being a single mother is massively stressful so single mothers over the age of about 28 love wine). I'm amazed I've never woken up any kids while doing this...but so far so good.
- Worst case scenario, pay $15 or so for babysitting. I would NOT make a habit of doing this, for obvious reasons, but I do admit I've done it once or twice in unusual circumstances. Sometimes spending 15 bucks to block off the entire evening with a super hot woman you really like is worth it. (Again, emphasis on the word "sometimes". For christ sake, don't be a beta.)
Some guys worry about dating women who've already had children because of sexual reasons. They think they'll run into all kinds of loose vaginas and bodies covered in stretch marks. While I admit I have run into this occasionally, I can tell you from my experience this is usually not the case, especially if you stick with younger women (but even if you don't).
A few random examples...
1. When I was 36 I was messing around with an 18 year-old who had had one child, and she indeed had lots of stretch marks on her lower stomach. However, the rest of her body was 100% 18-year-old-perfect, including being tight as a drum, if you know what I'm saying. So did a few little stretch marks I could barely ever see bother me? Nope.
2. One of the tightest women I ever had sex with was a 40 year-old who had five children. I'm not kidding. It was fantastic.
3. I have been with numerous single mothers who had bodies that, while naked and having sex in full light, you could not tell that an entire baby had ever passed through them. I'm quite serious about this. I mean numerous...not just one or two.
I could go on, but unless you're extremely picky, this body issue with single mothers really is no big deal.
It should go without saying that if you start dating a single mother, you should avoid all contact with her baby daddy, assuming he's still in the picture. Ideally, he's not in the picture. One of the stipulations when I got married years ago was that my son's biological dad could not be in her life at all. (And he wasn't.)
Spending any time whatsoever with her ex, in any context whatsoever, is going to equal drama. I'm shocked I even have to say such a thing, but some of you guys don't quite get that.
I would also give serious pause to pursuing a serious relationship (high-end MLTR or OLTR) with any woman who still has baby daddy as a regular presence in her life outside of a very quick occasional text to schedule dropoffs and pickups with the kids. Any more contact than that, and the possibility for drama and problems is too great. (Note I'm talking about her life here, not her kids' lives; he can still be around the kids, just not her.)
Of course if you're talking about an FB or low-end MLTR, then none of this matters; go right ahead.
The whole kid thing brings up many questions. Should you see her kids? Spend time with them? Hang out with them? Ignore them? Avoid them and make sure you never meet them? Should you act like their dad, or their friend? Or something else? Oh, what to do?
First, look to your own personality. I love kids. I think kids are awesome. The older my own kids get, the more I miss having little kids. So I love spending time with kids, regardless of the context. If you hate kids or find kids annoying, well, then that means you should probably avoid a woman's kids as much as humanly possible.
Regardless of my love of children, my goal is a drama-free life, so my general rule is to avoid a woman's children completely unless...
A) She's been in my life at least five or six months without any drama, and I know exactly how the woman fits into my life.
B) I know for 100% that she's a pure FB-only and will never be anything more.
If she's an FB, then I don't care what her kids think of me. I usually just act like her "mom's friend", which is exactly what I am. How much access an FB wants to give me to her children is her choice. They're her kids, not mine, so any problems that result are her problem.
If a woman has been in my life for a few months, and I consider her a high-end MLTR or OLTR candidate, then I will allow myself to interact with her kids just as much as her and I feel is appropriate. Often I will follow her lead. Again, they're her kids. I already have my own.
(At some point I should probably make a post about how I handle MY kids within my dating lifestyle. I'm not sure how many of you have kids but it might be a worthwhile thing to talk about.)
Drama and Stress
Other than logistics, the other downside of dating single mothers is that as I mentioned above, being a single mother is a horribly stressful, painful existence. Just imagine having constant, never-ending financial problems, going to a shitty job you hate, then after exhausted from work coming home to one or two (or more!) kids who are hyper as shit because there is no consistent father around.
Trust me, it's not fun, and these women have to work very hard at being happy. Often these women will be stressed-out, snippy, tired, or downright bitchy and upset.
All the usual open/poly relationship rules apply. Instantly soft next her ass if she gives you any drama for any reason. Hard next or downgrade her to infrequent-FB if she becomes a consistent problem. The fact she chose to make babies with an irresponsible moron before she (or he) could afford them is her fault, not your fault. Don't ever let a woman throw drama at you because of her problems with her kids.
At the same time, don't discount her just because she has kids. If she's flexible, low-drama, low-jealousy, and fun to be with, there should be no reason whatsoever to not have or pursue a serious relationship with her. (Two of the three women I've actually fallen in love with were single mothers.)
As always, take action with her based on her actions, not her motherhood status.
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