The Fear of Dying Alone

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-By Caleb Jones

One of the biggest excuses for traditional monogamous marriage (TMM) and one of the biggest fears people have to rationalize all the pain, suffering, chaos, and life overhead TMM causes people in the modern era is the fear of dying alone. This one excuse, “I don’t want to die alone!” has been used by millions of people the world over to justify some of the craziest and most intense drama, unhappiness, financial problems, and screwed-up children.

I have never been afraid of dying alone. As an unmarried man at age 45, this fear has literally never come into my mind. Not as a young man, and not now. How happy or unhappy I will be on my deathbed has nothing to do with whether or not I’m in a serious relationship with a woman at the time. Nor will it have anything to do with how many friends, family members, loved ones, children or grandchildren I have around me. I will very likely die happy regardless of these factors. Instead, my level of happiness at the end of my life will have to do with other factors, all of which are completely within my control and the majority of which I’ve handled a very long time ago.

Hopefully, by the end of this article, you will be closer to that line of thinking instead of being terrified by dying alone, and using that fear as a justification for long-term problems and unhappiness in your life as a man.

Before I make my points, we have to come to a few baseline assumptions.

First, we need to assume that “dying alone” means dying of old age or disease in your older years. This is because that’s usually what people mean when they freak out about dying alone. In addition, it is very unlikely you will die of any other cause. The odds of you dying because of any kind of accident or violence are ridiculously low and within (or very close to) the 2% Rule, unless you live an unusually high-risk lifestyle.

Second, we need to assume that you will die around the average life expectancy for the time. At the moment, average male life expectancy in the Western world is around 79 years. However, the vast majority of you reading these words are in your 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, which means 79 is anywhere from 30 to 60 years away for you. As I’ve talked about many times in my blogs, over the next 30-60 years, we're going to see advances in medical technology that are quite shocking, and that will dramatically expand your lifespan.

This means that by the time you reach age 79, average life expectancy won’t be 79 anymore (unless you are already quite old). How long are you expected to live? I don’t know and you don’t know either, but just to be on the conservative side, I’ll say for the sake of argument that most of you reading these words have a “real” average life expectancy of around 90 years. It might be much longer than that; I don’t know, but I’ve got to pick a number. (And no, I have no interest in discussing this side point in the comments.)

So “dying alone” means dying from old age or disease somewhere around the age of 90.

Okay. Now for my points...

Point 1: The Odds Are Tremendous That She Won’t Still Be There By Then

In my objections to nonmonogamy article, where I address literally every objection defending monogamy and TMM, the very first objection listed and its response is this:

1. What about having someone care for you in your old age?

The divorce rate for people who get married now, at the usual ages people get married, is around 63% in most cities. That means there’s a 63% chance that person won’t be around in your old age anyway.

If you want someone to be with in your old age, get married when you’re in your old age.

Exactly. If you get married now, your lifetime risk of divorce is somewhere around 70%. However, that's the stat today. Longtime readers of this blog know that the real divorce rate among people who actually get married keeps climbing as the Western world slowly grinds toward collapse. In 10 or 15 years, this 70% could be 75% or 80%. In several decades it could 90% or even higher (at least in the Western world).

This means that if you get traditionally married in your 20’s, 30’s, or 40’s with the intention of not dying alone 40 to 70 years later when you’re 90 fucking years old, that means you are literally being stupid. Yes. Stupid. You are stupid if you think the odds are high that the traditional, monogamous, Western wife you have right now at age 35 (or whatever) will still be your wife 55 years later when you’re 90.

For this to happen, you would have to be an extremely lucky and bizarre exception to the rule. As I’ve said many times, banking your long-term happiness on being a statistical exception, particularly when such a thing is outside of your direct control like in a marriage where you are 100% reliant on another person to not ever divorce you, is not an intelligent life path.

What about getting married when you’re older? That depends on how old. Even people in their 50’s are getting divorced in large numbers, as I’ve shown before (item #10 here). If you don’t want to die alone, your best bet is to get married after you’re 60 to a woman who is also age 60 or higher. Sound like fun?
What about in non-traditional marriage like an OLTR Marriage? Are the odds better for these? We don’t know. Despite the fact there are literally millions of people who have these kinds of marriages or marriage-like arrangements, we don’t have any stats on this. Due to Societal Programming, it’s unlikely we will for several more decades. As always, I plan on having an OLTR marriage myself at some point, and when that happens, I can tell you what happens to me, but I’m only one guy and thus not a statistic.
Much of your actions and happiness (or lack thereof) in life is based on your internally held beliefs. Some men have beliefs that benefit them and make them happier men. Other men have beliefs that make them angry, depressed, or live lives that are extremely difficult and/or complicated.
As I talk about in my primary book, your job is to structure your mind in such a way that happiness is easy for you, not difficult or complicated for you.
Compare the two belief structures of two different men. Here’s the first man, very well represented by many men in the manosphere and alt-right:

“I have to get traditionally married because I have to have kids because I have to make sure a wife and lots of kids and grandkids are around me when I get old and die because only that will make me happy when I’m an old man.”

Let’s compare that to another guy’s belief:

“I will be very happy as an old man, and when I die, as long as one or two close friends are with me.”

I’m not going to compare the pro’s and con’s of each of those two belief structures. You might find one stupid and one great, or both of them good, or both of them silly. That’s fine. I’m just here to show you the realities and logistics behind each of these two belief structures.

The reality is that, in the modern era and the Western world, the first man is going to live a life of drama, limitations, cheating, divorce, child custody battles, and all kinds of other chaos and bullshit. He will constantly be looking for his unicorn woman who doesn’t exist and constantly have relationships (and marriages) that blow up in his face.

Conversely, the second man is likely going to live a reasonably smooth life. He may get married, or he may not. He may have kids, or he may not. He doesn’t have to do anything other than to find one or two close friends when he's in his 70’s or 80’s. That’s a much easier goal than a lifetime TMM the first guy is seeking.

The point is that it’s much easier for the second guy to be happy than the first guy.

You have the ability to modify your belief structures. I’ve done it myself. It’s not necessarily easy and it takes a little time, but it can be done. If the reward is long-term happiness, then the effort is quite worth it.

Point 3: Marriage, Children and Grandchildren Are Not The Only Thing That Makes An Old Man Happy

Can marriage, kids, and grandkids make an old man happy? Yes.

(Actually, I would argue that grandkids make an old man happy, grown kids make an old man somewhat happy, but traditional monogamous marriage probably won’t make an old man happy, as I scientifically showed here and here.)

Are they the only things that will make a man happy? No. Here are a few other things that can make an old man, even a dying old man happy:
  • An old man can have a few close friends.
  • An old man can be a very social guy and have lots of friends.
  • An old man can have lots of money he uses to donate to worthy causes he finds important.
  • An old man can have a deep, rich spiritual life that gives him great peace and self-fulfillment.
  • An old man can travel the world and have many wonderful, enjoyable, enriching experiences.
  • An old man can still work, if he chooses to, and work on only the projects that he really loves.
  • An old man can have a girlfriend. (Live-in or otherwise.) People often forget this.
  • An old man can have multiple girlfriends. Before he passed away, my grandfather, while in his 80’s, had two girlfriends, both in their late 50’s, one in Alaska and one in Arizona. He would live six months in one place and six months in the other, having sex with one or the other depending on where he was. He was very happy with this arrangement (as you would probably be).
  • An old man can completely immerse himself in recreational hobbies in ways guys like us who have to work can’t. He can spend entire days, hell, entire weeks reading philosophy, painting, sailing around the world, writing poetry, playing around with the latest technology, or whatever the hell else he loves to do.
  • An old man can plug himself into new “families” or communities like through his church, through philanthropy, through volunteer work or various other things. I have seen many old men (and old women) do this and it really lights up their lives.

Please note that none of the above items requires a wife, children, grandchildren, or any other blood-related family members. Now if an old man also has a few kids or grandkids, that’s fine too. I have two kids myself, and I plan on having grandkids someday (in the far future, I hope; I don’t want my kids having children too early, especially my son). I’m sure I’ll love them, but regardless, a smart man whose goal is long-term consistent happiness won’t need these people. (Remember that I'm moving the hell out of the USA by 2025, grandkids or not.) Moreover, I didn’t have kids because I was worried about “dying alone.” What a stupid reason to have kids!

Point 4: Relying On Family Members To Make You Happy In Your Old Age Is A Stupid Plan

You’ve heard it and I’ve heard it: old people complaining that their kids or grandkids never call them. I’ve heard this pathetic bullshit a million times, and I’m sure you have too. Millions of old people all over the world bitch and moan constantly that their grown kids and grandkids never call, never write, never visit, or don’t visit often enough.

There’s a lesson there. These old people, like many of you, were hoping to not “die alone” so they cranked out some kids, who hopefully would have grandkids, so that these people would entertain them in their old age. But, oops, that didn’t happen. They went through all the pain and chaos of traditional monogamous marriage and raising kids, only to find out that their grown children were too busy with their own lives and their own problems to entertain the grandparents. Add that to the sky-high divorce rate, and the fact that one spouse always dies before the other, and there you go; millions of old people are “dying alone” even though they did get married and did have kids.

Relying on your family members, particularly your own kids or grandkids, to make and keep you happy in your old age is one of the stupidest things people in the modern era do. Yes, back in the 1800’s when people died much sooner and when folks lived with or near their families throughout their entire lives, that made sense. In the wild and crazy 21st Century, no. You’re going to get divorced. Your grown kids will have their own lives. They will even likely move far away.

Your happiness, as an old man and on your deathbed, is up to you, and no one else. If you understand that now, and structure your life around this now, before you’re old, then you will die a very, very happy man. If you don’t, you will die like most other old men in the modern, Western era: divorced and sitting in an old folk’s home bitching that your kids never call you.

The choice is yours.

I’ve already made mine. 🙂

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