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-By Caleb Jones
Many years ago, guys who promoted nonmonogamy like me were often attacked by pro-monogamy people throwing a bunch of bullshit Disney around by saying monogamy worked perfectly as long as you found the right person. But that was long ago, and since then, divorce rates have increased, and the amount of men and women cheating on each other has also increased. So today, people who fervently defend monogamy, particularly long-term monogamy, end up looking a little stupid. They’re saying monogamy works fine while they see pretty much everyone around them consistently failing at it by experiencing cheating or breakups. (To be clear, I’m only talking about the Western world here. If you live outside of the West, you may not be in this category.)
As a response to this, over the last few years, many of these people, particularly men, have down-shifted into the next excuse, which is to just cheat. Just get a “monogamous” girlfriend or wife, get a second phone, password protect your laptop, get really good at lying to her all the time, and bang women on the side. This, they say, is better than being nonmonogamous or open while still offering the benefits of monogamy.
The problem is that it isn’t accurate in any way.
Listed below are all the reasons and excuses these men have used to defend a cheating lifestyle, along with my responses. Just like my Objections to Nonmonogamy and Their Answers article and my Questions and Answers About Soft Nexts article, I will consider this article a living document that I will add to continuously, if needed, as new excuses arise from the pro-cheater crowd. Also, like those two articles, I will exempt this article from my no-commenting-on-older-articles rule, in that I will respond to comments in this article in perpetuity, provided they’re relevant and/or interesting.
First, I will cover the four huge negatives of cheating, and why it damages your long-term happiness as a man, then I’ll cover the excuses pro-cheaters use below that.
First off, the emotional stress of cheating is intense and constant. I have known many men who are regular cheaters, and these men are constantly on edge. They are in a state of near-constant fear; fear of getting caught, fear of the drama that will result, fear of her leaving them, etc. Actually relaxing with their girlfriend or wife is doable, but difficult.
As I’ve said before, the only reason you should be with a woman is that her being with you makes you happier than her not being with you. If her being with you is a constant source of stress, fear, or discomfort because you have this nagging sense of dread that she might find out you’re cheating on her, you’re destroying the entire reason you're being with her.
You could argue that you “have to" be with her because you have kids with her or some other relationship infrastructure with her. If you choose to suffer unhappiness forever because of this type of scenario, I still disagree with you, but even if I didn’t, we have the next problem…
You’re assuming you’ll never get caught, and the odds are overwhelming that you will. Please take a minute and read this article about how men who cheat almost always get caught eventually. Men are biologically wired to sexually conquer and brag about it. When men cheat, it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible to keep it a secret forever because they want to talk about it with people. Thus, they let things slide a little and get caught. Almost always.
When women cheat on men, it’s very different. They’re actually assisted by anti-sex Societal Programming and their own ASD. This is why when women cheat, they become CIA agent ninjas, doing amazing things to keep everything secret and quiet and easily keeping it up for years and years if necessary. When men cheat, they either aren’t careful at all or are careful for a while until they start making mistakes.
If you’re defending the concept of cheating, you’re likely operating under the assumption that you’ll never get caught. WRONG! You. Will. Get. Caught. Eventually. Count on it. Which brings us to the next problem…
Hiding everything, living a double life is a huge amount of work and hassle, and it never ends. Maintaining multiple phones.Maintaining multiple cell phone accounts. Multiple checking accounts. Secret email accounts. Secret social media accounts. Keeping hotel bills and travel bills a secret. Password protecting everything in your life. Trying to explain to your wife / girlfriend why you password protect everything (thus raising suspicion even more). Constantly monitoring everyone’s social media (and not just yours, but those of your girlfriend / wife and of your side-women). Making sure that your women don’t run into each other by accident. Constantly removing / hiding all the “evidence” of your sexual encounters. Trying to hide your online dating efforts. Trying to keep everyone in your social circle quiet about what you’re doing. And on, and on, and on.
Doing all this hiding, sneaking around crap is way to much work. Listen man, I already work during the day on my business / financial life, seven days a week. The last thing I want after I’m done working is to then turn around and do more work in my relationship life. No thanks. Your relationship life is where you should relax and enjoy yourself, not engage in more work. Why the hell would you want to do that?
It’s true that nonmonogamy is a bit of work up front when the relationship is new. But, once you get past the three month mark and you have The Talk, the “work” is over. Cheating, on the other hand, is a lot of damn work that never ends.
I don’t have oneitis, ever. Any woman in my life, even a serious high-end MLTR, OLTR, or OLTR wife who I love very much can leave me whenever the hell she wants if I don’t make her happy. Of course, I’d rather she stay, but I don’t want her to stay if her staying means she damages my happiness, or because she’s unhappy (which will cause me to be unhappy), or because she demands things that will make me less happy. My long-term happiness and my Mission are more important to me than keeping a woman around who wants me to be something I’m not.
If you’d rather cheat and be incongruent with who you are, then you’re the opposite. You’re going out of your way to pretend to be something you’re not. THAT’S NOT ALPHA. THAT’S BETA.
Okay, now that we’ve had our fun, here are the specific excuses men who defend cheating often use, and their responses.
1. Cheating is easier because then women won’t pressure you to be monogamous.
Cheating is not easier, as I just established above. Cheating is a hefty workload that never goes away, unlike being in a correctly-managed nonmonogamous relationship where you manage EFA for a little while and then give her The Talk.
It’s true that some women will pressure you for some more seriousness or exclusivity during the initial phases of the relationship, but in the vast majority of cases, this goes away (or drops by 90%) once you hit The Talk, and usually vanishes altogether if you do an OLTR.
If you’re running into constant problems with numerous women applying constant and extreme pressure on you to get serious or monogamous, then you’re not following the nonmonogamous system properly, and you need to do more research on this blog and/or you need to get my book on the subject so you can correctly follow the system and not have this problem. I certainly don’t have this problem.
Then why don’t you tell her you’re going to bang other women on the side? Ah, you don’t want to tell her because you know she won’t allow it. See?
She won’t allow it because you’ve been acting like a boyfriend or husband all this time, which screams monogamy even if you don’t verbalize it. This is something I’ve been saying for almost ten years; don’t act too much like a boyfriend or women will assume monogamy regardless of what you verbally promise.
This is honestly the stupidest and weakest excuse pro-cheating men make. It doesn’t fucking matter that you didn’t raise your right hand and verbally say “I will not fuck other women,” and you know it.
3. Cheating is better because that way, you can fuck girls on the side, but she can’t fuck men on the side.
Incorrect. Read this article about all the stats and studies about how often women cheat, specifically where it shows women cheating on men has increased 20% between the early 90’s and 2006 alone, and that since 2006, the infidelity rates (of both sexes) have continued to increase.
You’re forgetting that monogamy doesn’t work. Men cheat on women, women cheat on men. Both sexes hate actual, sexual monogamy and want nothing to do with it (beyond the rare and unusual exceptions to the rule) particularly beyond the three-year mark.
I can also tell you for a fact that if you cheat on her, the odds of her cheating on you go up, far beyond the high odds she has of cheating on you anyway. Men who cheat on women thinking the women will stay faithful are living in a Guy-Disney fantasyland.
4. Okay, yeah, you’re right. You shouldn’t cheat, but! Once your wife gets older and after she’s had a few kids and her body goes to shit, cheating a little on the side is okay as long as you do it discreetly and you don’t disrespect your wife. Men are attracted to youth and tight bodies so it’s only natural, and women need to understand that.
Obviously, I completely agree that women need to understand that men are not monogamous creatures, and that no woman should expect a man under the age of 60 to be sexually monogamous forever. Women also need to understand that men of all ages are biologically attracted to youth, and that we don’t “choose” this attraction, since it’s part of our hard-coded biological wiring. So you and I are on the same page on that.
But that doesn’t change any of the problems and negatives I’ve outlined in this entire article. Just because she should understand these things doesn’t mean you won’t get caught, that she won’t get furious when you do, that you won’t have spend all this time and effort hiding all of this from her, that she won’t cheat on you, etc, etc, etc.
5. Nonmonogamy is too much work / too complicated. It’s easier to just lie to her and get some on the side.
I answered this one above already, but to summarize, cheating is more work in totality than nonmonogamy since nonmonogamy (if done correctly!) is only “work” during the first few weeks of the relationship, while cheating is “work” during the entire relationship.
6. Nice girls / high quality girls would never go for nonmonogamy. You have to cheat on those.
Incorrect. Read items #30, #42, and #43 right here.
7. I’m already married / have a serious girlfriend. If I try to open up the relationship, she’ll divorce / dump me! I’ll just cheat instead, then she’ll stay with me.
Refer to the “odds are overwhelming you’ll get caught” section above. (Oh, and then you might want to read the part right after that about how you’re being a needy pussy too.)
8. Hey man, I have kids. Just because I don’t want my wife to divorce me doesn’t mean I’m a “pussy” or a “beta.” I don’t want to get divorced and lose my fucking kids, okay?
Then again, please refer to the section above that shows you’ll likely get caught if you cheat. You will eventually get caught if you cheat regularly! Then say goodbye to your kids. You will have accomplished nothing.
If your response to that is that she won’t divorce / leave if she finds out you’ve been cheating on her, then you’ve proved my entire point about her staying with you even if you convert the marriage or relationship to something open / nonmonogamous. Get my book on how to do that and get to work instead of making these pathetic, pussy excuses.
If you enjoy drama or don’t mind drama, then I’m not sure why you’re reading this blog. This blog, and all my writings on all topics, are about how men can achieve long-term consistent happiness (as much as is humanly possible). You can’t be happy if you have drama in your life. If you don’t care that you’re unhappy, then feel free to ignore everything I’m saying and do whatever you like, but I really don’t know why you’re here reading my content. You should probably go read someone angry like Roosh or Heartiste.
10. My wife / girlfriend knows I cheat and lets me do it.
Then it’s not cheating. Congratulations, you’re in an open relationship. Well done, and welcome to the Alpha Male 2.0 community!
11. I live in a culture where men are expected to cheat (Southern Europe, South America, etc). So it’s okay where I live. So yeah, you North Americans / Northern Europeans shouldn’t do it, but it’s okay if I do it.
If by “okay” you mean it’s okay to be with a woman who constantly screams at you about having sex with other women on the side, but who doesn’t actually leave you, then I guess you’re correct. I call this kind of thing a Mediterranean marriage (or relationship). These are only for very high-drama men who enjoy drama (or who at least don’t mind it) and who are attracted to higher-drama women and relationships. Again, if you are one of these men, feel free to do whatever you want, but then honestly, I don’t know why you’re reading this blog.
12. Your entire assumption is that cheating is a lot of work, but that’s only if you’re trying to maintain a relationship with the fling. If you just do one night stands with flings it's not any work.
Incorrect. It has nothing to do with whether you're seeing the same side-girl regularly or just having one night stands; it's still all the same amount of work. The hassle of hiding everything, emotionally worrying about getting caught, high odds of eventually getting caught, etc. None of that significantly changes based on the length or type of relationships you have with your flings.
13. Cheating is easy if you travel a lot for business.
Two problems with this:
1. Change "easy" to "not quite as much work" and then I agree with you. The work, overhead, risk, and negative emotions are still there, just not quite as much. It's still not "easy" or "no work" or "no risk."
2. Even more importantly, women who are married to or dating men who travel a lot cheat more often than normal women. (Just look at military wives!) I've seen this anecdotally many times. The first married woman I had a fling with had a husband like this; he was always out of town. Women get lonely and horny when their husband/boyfriend goes out of town all the time, so while you're cheating, she probably is too, and with someone like me.
14. Some guys honestly like cheating on women. They think it's fun and it gives them a rush.
Some guys honestly like smoking meth or shooting heroin. They think it's fun and it gives them a rush. Will doing that make them happy? Is it a good idea?
15. If you only have sex with prostitutes, then it's okay, because they won't tell anyone.
1. That only eliminates one problem (the woman you're sleeping with possibly telling others). That does not eliminate any of the other many problems I've described above. You're still in the same boat.
2. Most men don't like having sex with hookers. Many other men can't afford the cost of regular hookers where they live (not everyone lives in Thailand). So even if you're right (which you are not), that advice will only apply to a small percentage of men. Whereas all men in the Western world can follow my advice, if they want.
16. The only guys who get caught are idiots who aren't doing this right. If instead, you develop an organized system and follow it at all times without fail, cheating works great. For example, you can only fuck prostitutes, hire a therapist to talk about it so you don't blab about it to others, only brag about it online anonymously, systematize your technology, etc.
Raise your hand if you personally know a man who has done literally all of that and kept it up for 5-10+ years without ever faltering on it, ever, and never got caught, ever. Yeah. Nobody.
Now raise your hand if you personally know men who've had nonmonogamous FB's, MLTR's, and yes, serious and consistent OLTR's for 5-10+ years and have not had any major problems. I personally know many, and I'm aware of thousands, as I described in detail in Objection #3 right here.
In other words, I'm talking about the real world here and you're being entirely theoretical. Men who cheat don't sit down and develop advanced, complicated master plans like Lex Luthor and then follow them with robotic efficiency forever. Oh, some they think they do, but they don't.
And even if you're right (which you are not), that only eliminates the one problem of not getting caught. Your entire point proves my point about how much god damn work it is to cheat on a woman. Only fuck hookers? Hire a fucking therapist? Spend the rest of my life managing (and spending money on) multiple phones, checking amounts, email addresses, etc? Kill me dude. I'd rather use my system, which is far less work and stress. This is one of those "thank you for proving my point" excuses. So thank you.
Lastly, "systematizing your technology," if you don't mind all the god damn work and expense, is only a short-term solution, since soon it will be impossible to cheat on women precisely because of technology. Read this article here.
That’s it! I will continue to add any new excuses to this article that I see or hear that aren’t included in the above list.
If you are about to make a comment about how you don’t like nonmonogamy or how nonmonogamy “doesn’t work,” please refer to the objections in this article and this one before you comment, since I probably already answered your objection there. If you post a comment about an objection I’ve already answered, I will simply link to it in my response (since I dislike repeating myself.)
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