-By Caleb Jones

Because god loves me and smiles down upon everything I do, he sometimes sends me miraculous and wonderful gifts that bring further joy and entertainment to my already bright life. Something has just happened that is so hilarious that I don’t think even the most talented fiction writers could have thought it up.

Joss Whedon, the man behind everything from the Avengers to Buffy The Vampire Slayer, is getting divorced from his wife after 16 years of marriage. No surprise there; long-term monogamy doesn’t work, so the vast majority of people who attempt the silliness of traditional monogamous marriage will indeed get divorced and suffer all the usual life catastrophes because of it.

But ohhhh no… this gets much better.

Joss Whedon, if you didn’t already know, is not only an avowed SJW left-winger, going out of his way to make small films to bash Republicans and support other corrupt corporatists like Pussy Barack and the Lizard Queen, but he’s also a male feminist. This is a moniker he’s worn proudly, and he goes out of his way to reflect this view in much of his writings.

According to his ex-wife, Whedon unsurprisingly cheated on her throughout the marriage with actresses, co-workers, friends, and groupies. Again, of course. But in some emails (or letters) he wrote to his ex-wife, guess what part of his reason was for his cheating?

The patriarchy.

Oh, sweet honeyballs. Like I said, you can’t make this shit up.

There’s now actually a controversy about whether or not you can be a male feminist if you cheat on your wife.

(I’m laughing right now as I type these words. Seriously. It’s hard to stop. This is one of those times where the collapse of Western Civilization is really, really funny.)

Let’s dig into this hilarity. His now ex-wife wrote an article about all of this here. Granted, we have to take some of this with a grain of salt, since wives in the middle of a divorce are the most sociopathic, angry, irrational, vindictive creatures on Earth. She even admits she’s been “diagnosed with Complex PTSD” (what the fuck?), so there you go. Therefore, not everything she writes may be the literal truth. However, Whedon has not denied any of this, and even if she is lying, there are always grains of truth in these things.

She says:

Let me begin by saying I am a very private person and the act of writing this is antithetical to who I am and everything I stand for.

Riiiiiiiight.

Raise your hand if you actually believe that.

There were times in our relationship that I was uncomfortable with the attention Joss paid other women. He always had a lot of female friends, but he told me it was because his mother raised him as a feminist, so he just liked women better. He said he admired and respected females, he didn’t lust after them.

This goes to the heart of what a “male feminist” is, and I’m not the first person to make this observation: a male feminist is a weak, pathetic, usually high-intellect beta male who doesn’t know how to get laid, and thus, uses the bullshit umbrella of “male feminist” to get in good with the left-wing women he knows in order to score some pussy.

That doesn’t mean the male feminist isn’t a left-winger or is lying about everything. I’m sure Whedon, as well as other male feminists, are indeed leftists in regards to most of their their political views. Instead, I’m saying that these men don’t give a shit about feminism nearly as much as they say they do. They’re doing it not because they really believe the bullshit about 77 cents; they’re doing it to get attention, accolades, and sex from left-wing females. And since most women are left-wingers, this works method can work pretty well.

I believed him and trusted him.

Problem number two. As is usual in these cases, you have these stupid, delusional wives who actually believe that their wealthy, powerful, famous husbands who have hot, young babes constantly throwing themselves at them will never cheat. When they find out they are, and they always find out, they do what Tiger Woods’ stupid, delusional wife did and lose their minds, reacting with shock and surprise to something a 13 year-old could have easily predicted.

STUPID.

Fifteen years later, when he was done with our marriage and finally ready to tell the truth, he wrote me, “When I was running ‘Buffy,’ I was surrounded by beautiful, needy, aggressive young women. It felt like I had a disease, like something from a Greek myth. Suddenly I am a powerful producer and the world is laid out at my feet and I can’t touch it.” But he did touch it.

Exactly. Of course he did. Men aren’t superhuman. When a man has hot babes throwing themselves at him day in and day out, eventually he’s going to take some of that action, regardless of any other promise he’s made to anyone, and even regardless of how much he loves his wife or girlfriend. Sexual monogamy doesn’t work. Human beings were never designed for it. Stop being an idiot.

He said he understood, “I would have to lie — or conceal some part of the truth — for the rest of my life,” but he did it anyway, hoping that first affair, “would be ENOUGH, that THEN we could move on and outlast it.”

Cheating beta males often think, “I’ll do it just this once,” but that’s almost never what happens. Once you get it, you’ll like it, and you’ll want more. Again, it’s all normal, natural human nature.

Joss admitted that for the next decade and a half, he hid multiple affairs and a number of inappropriate emotional ones that he had with his actresses, co-workers, fans and friends, while he stayed married to me.

Yup. Because he could.

I’m not defending Whedon here, by the way. I’ve said forever that I’m fervently against cheating and against lying to women. I’m also against emotional affairs when you are married, even if it’s an OLTR marriage. The point I’m making here is that his wife shouldn’t be shocked or surprised that these things occurred. Of course they did.

He wrote me a letter when our marriage was falling apart, but I still didn’t know the whole truth, and said, “I’ve never loved anyone or wanted to be with anyone in any real or long-term way except for you ever. And I love our life. I love how you are, how we are, who you are and what we’ve done both separately and together, how much fun we have…” He wanted it all; he didn’t want to choose, so he accepted the duality as a part of his life.

I believe him. Since men were never designed for sexual monogamy, men who cheat on their wives usually still love their wives, still love their kids, and still want to stay with and support their families. Just because they bang someone on the side doesn’t mean they love their side-women. That’s very unlikely. Again, this is all very normal and predictable.

…to help me understand how he could have lied to me for so long, he said, “In many ways I was the HEIGHT of normal, in this culture. We’re taught to be providers and companions and at the same time, to conquer and acquire — specifically sexually — and I was pulling off both!”

Yes! YES! The patriarchy made me do it!!!

Those right-wing conservative MEN made me cheat on you and lie to you for 16 years, honey! It’s their fault, not mine! I conquered and provided at the same time! You should be thankful for my successful navigation of traditional marriage vis-à-vis male feminism, god dammit!

Despite understanding, on some level, that what he was doing was wrong, he never conceded the hypocrisy of being out in the world preaching feminist ideals, while at the same time, taking away my right to make choices for my life and my body based on the truth. He deceived me for 15 years, so he could have everything he wanted. I believed, everyone believed, that he was one of the good guys, committed to fighting for women’s rights, committed to our marriage, and to the women he worked with. But I now see how he used his relationship with me as a shield, both during and after our marriage, so no one would question his relationships with other women or scrutinize his writing as anything other than feminist.

Like most modern-day “feminists,” you seem to be forgetting something about feminism, sweetheart. Allow me to refresh your memory.

As I’ve talked about many times on this blog, the original second-wave feminism of the 1970’s was largely anti-monogamy. Those real feminists (as opposed to the bullshit feminists of today) were reacting against the monogamy and traditional marriage that, in their view, were forced upon them by men and the patriarchy. True 1970’s feminism was about the liberated woman who could have sex with whomever the hell she wanted, being released from the prison of “men’s” monogamy. Those feminists were encouraged to date around and / or have open or polyamorous relationships rather than be monogamous, which they viewed as oppression.

Indeed, the true feminists of the 60’s and 70’s were at level six on the Six Levels of Monogamy Belief, meaning they were actually more opposed to monogamy than I am.

So if your husband was nonmonogamous during your marriage, he’s actually acting more in accordance with what true feminism really is, not in opposition to it. Indeed, he’s not the feminism hypocrite, you are.

Like most of today’s feminists, you have perverted what actual feminism truly is. True feminists wanted freedom from monogamy and marriage, which they viewed as men oppressing women. You, on the other hand, want it both ways. You want the independence and freedom of the 1970’s feminist still reaping the financial protection of traditional marriage and monogamy to a man like the 1950’s housewife. You can’t have both of those things at the same time. You must pick one or the other, precisely as I analyzed right here.

Again, I agree that he should not have lied to you. But, outside of that, your husband who you are now calling a hypocrite is more of a feminist than you are. (And he’s barely a feminist.)

I thought we were a couple, a team. I was a powerful influence on the career choices Joss made during the 20 years we were together (we lived together for four years before marrying). I kept him grounded, and helped him find the quickest way to the success he so deeply craved. I loved him. And in return, he lied to me.

Uh, no. In return, you’re now going to get millions upon millions of dollars in alimony and communal property for literally no reason, as mandated by the State of California, which is perhaps the worst place in the entire world for men to get legal marriages to women, as Whedon found out when you divorced his ass.

You’ll do just fine, sweetheart. Don’t try to bullshit me.

My entire reality changed overnight, and I went from being a strong, confident woman, to a confused, frightened mess. I was eventually diagnosed with Complex PTSD and for the last five years

Of course, the “strong, confident woman” bit. I was waiting for that. That’s the price you pay for being delusional and stupid, sweetie, for actually believing your wealthy, famous, powerful husband who hangs around hot chicks all day would never cheat on you. “Strong and confident” indeed.

As I’ve said many times before, being stupid and irrational comes with a very high emotional price. I’ve said this to men too.

Oh, and I’m sure that because you’re so “strong and confident,” you will donate all those millions of dollars you’re getting at gunpoint from this dork to charity. Right? Since, you know, you don’t need it and can Make Your Own Money™? Right?

Until recently, Joss was still letting the illusion of our marriage stay intact. Now that it is finally public, I want to let women know that he is not who he pretends to be.

On that, I agree. He’s trying to let women know he’s a male feminist, when in fact, he’s just trying to get laid. But even then, he’s more of a real feminist than you are.

I want the people who worship him to know he is human, and the organizations giving him awards for his feminist work, to think twice in the future about honoring a man who does not practice what he preaches. But no matter what happens, or how people interpret this statement, I no longer have to carry the burden of Joss’ long-term deceit and confessions. I am free.

Yeah. You’re free until you, a “feminist,” gets into another traditional monogamous marriage (something a real feminist would never do) to the next powerful man who lies to you and promises to not bang other women behind your back, which you will stupidly believe. Then you can write another self-righteous article about what a strong, confident feminist you are, and those of us who are capable of objective thinking can laugh as much as I did while writing this article.

Good times.

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