You Don’t “Convert” A New Relationship To Non-Monogamy

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Here’s one of the more common questions I get, usually from men not quite as familiar with my content.

“Hey Caleb, I’ve been seeing this new girl now for about three weeks and I want to convert the relationship to something non-monogamous where she’s cool with me having sex with other girls. How do I do this?”

The answer is, it’s already too late.

In this scenario, you’ve already (likely) fucked it up. You’ve already (likely) shown her a monogamous frame and EFA (definition below) of the typical, normal man (meaning beta male) going after the typical (meaning monogamous) relationship.

Now, you’re trying to backpaddle and reverse course right in the middle of all that.

Another common mistake with guys is that during the first few weeks of a new relationship with a new woman, they fail to follow the Cardinal Rules, either because they don’t know what they are or because they’re needy, outcome-dependent, or too excited.

So they do things like see her several times a week, have text conversations with several times a day every day, don’t make her cum during sex, and engage in possible boyfriend behaviors. Then when you try to “make” the relationship into a non-monogamous FB or MLTR, you run into all kinds of problems, because once again, you set the wrong frame for the relationship.

If you already have a long-term relationship with a monogamous girlfriend or wife, then yes, you might need to convert that relationship to something non-monogamous to be a more free and happy man. We’ll address that in the Question of the Week below, but that’s not the topic of this article.

I’m talking about instead when you first start dating a new woman. You don’t date her for a while and then somehow try to turn the relationship into something non-monogamous. A lot of men try that and it virtually never works.

Instead, as I’ve said literally hundreds of times over the past 15 years, the non-monogamous relationship begins on the first second of the first date. Even though you don’t know what category she’ll end up in (FB, MLTR, or OLTR) that soon, the non-monogamous relationship, EFA, and frame all begin as soon as you physically see her for the first time on that first date/meet.

As many of you know, I teach a two-date model consisting of a one-hour first date where zero to no money is spent, with a strong sexual vibe but no kissing, and then a second date that takes place as soon as possible at your place where you have sex.

There are two reasons why I teach that model. The first and most obvious one is that it statistically works the best for fast sex for most men and most women in the modern-day Collapsing Western world. The second, and perhaps more hidden reason is that this model most effectively sets the stage for a non-monogamous relationship which is the entire objective.

Imagine if your system was a long first date of many hours at a fancy dinner, then some other event after that, then a second date which was another long fancy dinner at another place, and then finally going back to your place to have first-time sex. If you got laid that way, you could say it “worked” in that you indeed got laid on the second date (although it took you 10 hours of face time and $250+ spent instead of my system which will take you 2-3 hours with less than $27 spent).

However, you didn’t set the stage for anything where you are fucking other women with her consent. Quite the opposite! You’ve set the stage for her mentally for the typical let’s-get-monogamous-right-now-because-we-like-each-other standard bullshit beta male-dating-a-Dominant relationship. If you suddenly try to give her The Talk 3-4 weeks into this, you’re just going to get an explosion and you’ll never see her again, and it’s 100% your fault.

Under my dating model, a nice, pleasant (but quick and cheap) first date/meet where you let her talk the entire time while you’re working your magic, then having sex with her the next time you see her at your place is perfect framing for a non-monogamous, non-beta relationship, without going too far overboard into player territory that will spike her ASD (definition below).

That’s exactly why I call the first phase in a monogamous relationship the EFA Phase. During those first two weeks of the relationship, it’s absolutely critical that you show her, through your frame, attitude, and actions who you are (a confident, outcome-independent, non-monogamous Alpha Male 2.0) and who you are not (the typical needy, thirsty, excited, oneitisy (definition below) beta male who is just following his emotions and his dick and has no idea what he’s doing).

This is also why I talk about having the 85/15 attitude during a first and second date, all the way to when you have sex with her twice. 85/15 means you’re 85% player, 15% provider. If you’re 100% provider means you’re an unattractive needy beta male, meaning your odds of success are low, and if you do get laid, she’ll expect full-on monogamy/boyfriend shit from you immediately. 100% player means you’re either going to spike her ASD and piss her off (especially if she’s over age 33), or you’ll have sex with her one time and then she’ll block your number the next day and you’ll never see her again.

85/15 is the sweet spot. The 15% provider signals to her you’re not an “asshole,” “fuckboy,” or “player” who’s just going to pump and dump her. The 85% player sets proper framing for the fact that you’ll be having sex with other women besides her and are not going to act like a typical beta with oneitis.

Also, and this part is just my personal opinion, this dating model I teach matches my goal, which is to see her sexually, even if off and on, for literally the rest of my life. Yes, I’m serious. Unless on that first date I can see she’s not attractive (which happens but is rare in my experience) or she’s a total bitch to me (which is also very rare on a first date), that is indeed my plan. Even if she’s just an infrequent FB, my real plan and my real goal is to see her sexually for the rest of my life until I’m so old I literally can’t have sex anymore.

This is why I still have FBs that I started seeing as FBs or MLTRs over ten years ago. As just two examples, there’s a woman I first started seeing as an MLTR when she was 23 years old 15 years ago in 2009 and I still occasionally have sex with her (she’s 38 now). There’s an FB I have in the USA I see several times a year who I started seeing when she was 18 in 2014. She’s about to turn 28 and I still see her (and one of her hot friends, too). I have many examples like this.

Of course, if a woman does something like get fat or go crazy then I’ll stop seeing her meaning “lifetime” may not work, which is fine, but you get my overall point. My goal and frame are indeed “the rest of my life.”

Therefore, I never need to back-peddle or reverse course and try to “convert” or “explain” to a woman that “now” I want to be non-monogamous. I’m non-monogamous from the first moment she ever met me, from the most casual FB I’ve ever had to Pink Firefly who is now my wife.


EFA – Early Frame Announcement. The strongly conveyed but unspoken overall message to a woman non-verbally conveying who you are and why you’re there. Your EFA begins on the first second of the first date and continues for at least three months before it can be softened if necessary. Examples of EFA include: A nervous, talkative guy on a first date is demonstrating the EFA of an AFC. A guy constantly telling a woman she’s pretty, buying her dinner and flowers, and getting upset when she talks about other men would be the EFA of a monogamous boyfriend. A guy who acted like he didn’t care, confidently talked about sex, and had lots of pretty girls all over his Facebook page would be the EFA of an Alpha. A woman will usually subconsciously conform her behaviors and expectations to fit the EFA of the man she’s interacting with.

Oneitis – 1. A set of actions and behaviors where a man does things in order to get one particular girl or “not lose” one particular girl, at the expense of pursuing other girls and/or at the expense of his own freedom and happiness. 2. Any non-minor compromise a man makes to a woman (either to “get her” or to “not lose her”) that will immediately or eventually restrict his freedom or damage his happiness. Example: A man promising to always pick up his socks or keep the TV at a certain volume is not necessarily oneitis, but a man with a healthy sex drive promising to never get sexual with any other woman is certainly oneitis as defined here, since eventually that promise will make him less free and less happy.

ASD – Anti Slut Defense. A condition created by societal programming experienced by women wherein they attempt to avoid sex, even if they want it, so as to not look or feel like a “slut” or “inappropriate” or not like “a lady”. ASD is a cause for major confusion, frustration, and psychological dysfunction in women, since they strongly desire sex but are repeatedly told there is something wrong with it.

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Question of The Week

Cuckold Fantasy?

L.H. Writes:

You talked about how pink firefly watches you have sex with other women and she gets off on that. While searching for polygamous relationships I found out about this cuckold fantasy. Porn sites are full of these kinds of porns. Porns aside, I read real life stories. Most of the time husbands say their spouse weren’t down to this kind of relationship. Even if husbands insist, those women resist to have other partners in their marriages. What do you think about that? According to you philosophy, most of the women should willingly accept this offer after like 5-6 years of marriage when they get bored with the husband.

It’s not 100% clear from your question if you’re referring to cuckold (when a man gets turned on by watching his wife get fucked by another man) or cuckquean (the reverse, when a woman gets turned on by watching her husband fuck other women). My wife, Pink Firefly, is a hardcore cuckquean and gets super turned on watching me have sex with other women. (Yes, Alpha Male 2.0 is a very hard life.)

I’m going to assume, perhaps incorrectly, from the question that you’re talking about cuckquean and not cuckold, and that you’re trying to convince your wife to let you have sex with other women while she watches.

First off, just because a traditional monogamous wife or live-in girlfriend gets bored with having sex with her male partner within an average of three years of cohabiting (this has been scientifically proven over and over again as I’ve shown in great detail on my blogs), does not mean she’ll suddenly wake up one day and decide that she’ll get turned on by watching her husband fuck some young hot babe right in front of her. These are two very, very different things.

Women who are cuckqueans are like that from day one, somewhere around sexual maturity, many years before they ever meet you. Pink Firefly discovered she was turned on by watching her guy have sex with another woman way back when she was around 20 years old, a full decade before she ever met me. I didn’t have to “convince” her of anything. Indeed, she was the one who later told me she was like this, after her and I had been together for several years (she’s a Submissive and was thus embarrassed to tell me, which is pretty fucking ironic… it’s ME).

So if your current wife/live-in GF isn’t like this, you won’t be able to “convince” her to enjoy it; that’s not how she’s wired. You can convince her to tolerate you having sex with other women though (when she’s not in the room); my book The Ultimate Open Marriage Manual shows you exactly how to do it and I’ve coached many men through the process.

If you’re currently monogamous, go that route. Use my systems to convert your monogamous relationship to an open one where you can play around on the side. Don’t try to convince your non-cuckquean GF/wife to start liking watching you fuck other women in front of her; that’s not going to work.

  • John Bellish
    Posted at 11:13 am, 22nd March 2024

    Caleb, have you ever heard of a guy on You Tube named Matt Cross (the33secrets)? He seems to be against dating women over 30, and encourages them to get monogamously married:

  • Caleb Jones
    Posted at 04:59 am, 23rd March 2024

    Not exactly a unique take.

  • John Bellish
    Posted at 08:45 am, 23rd March 2024

    I know. I like his material otherwise, though. He says that he has been coaching guys since the 90’s, when pickup materials were pretty rare (there was no David D or Mystery back then).

  • thebuckincheretranscendence
    Posted at 11:11 pm, 5th May 2024

    I agree! If you don’t make your expectations for the relationship known to her right from the jump, you are setting yourself up for failure and frustration. As a hedonist, life is just meant to be enjoyed. Make as many positive memories with as many good people as possible. There is no need to complicate things by catching feelings and having toxic attachment to another living being with a mind of their own. Just be honest about your intentions, and have a pleasant experience together. It is really not rocket science.

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