Alpha Male Fairy Tales – Damsel

Reading Time – 7 minutes

For those of you who didn’t know, on my old blogs I had a regular series called Alpha Male Fairy Tales, where I re-wrote famous fairy tales to appeal to a male audience instead of a female one while also making them more comedic and demonstrating Alpha Male 2.0 concepts. My most well-known ones were when I did this with Cinderella and Snow White but I also did a few others including Frozen, Beauty and the Beast, and Red Riding Hood.

Continuing in that wonderful tradition, today I’m doing to do so with that horribly feminist, girl-boss piece of shit movie Damsel that was just released on Netflix. If you suffered through watching that movie, some of the humor in the below fairytale will make more sense, but watching the movie is not required, nor would I ever recommend you actually watch such a pile of shit. (I had to watch it to write this story but even I skipped through about 50% of it. Turning this turd into something entertaining is going to be difficult…)

Once upon a time, Lord Bayford enjoyed his retirement from being an adventuring warrior with his beloved wife and two beautiful daughters. One day, he received a proposal from Queen Karen for his eldest daughter, Elodie, to marry her son, Prince Henry.

He was surprised at the unexpected request and promptly denied it.

“But Father!” Elodie protested, “If I marry Prince Henry I shall be a Princess!”

“My daughter,” Lord Bayford said, “Prince Henry is a douchebag. And probably gay. Such a man would not make you happy.”

“Fuck happiness!” Elodie pleaded, “I want to be a Princess! Please, Father! Please???”

Elodie’s protestations continued, and finally, Lord Bayford relented, loving his cherished daughter too much to see her distraught.

And so, after much preparations and merrymaking, Elodie was indeed wed to Prince Henry. After the wedding, Queen Isabelle accompanied Elodie and Henry as they took part in a strange ritual in the mountains. As part of the ritual, Elodie’s and Henry’s hands were both cut and clasped together closely, mingling their blood.

“Carry your bride across the narrow path over the chasm,” the Queen commanded her son, “As she may slip and fall.”

Henry sighed, “Do I have to?” 

The Queen glared at her son and he did was he was told, holding an ecstatic Elodie as he walked her over to the dark chasm.

He looked at his new bride with a frown and said, “You realize I’m gay, right?”

“Huh?” Elodie said.

Then he hurled Elodie into the chasm, and she fell, screaming all the way down. It was not a long fall, however, and many branches broke her fall, so she only suffered minor wounds as she hit the bottom.

It was then she realized that she was a sacrifice to the evil dragon, and that the Queen was required to feed the dragon three princesses of royal blood. She was not of royal blood, but the mingling of the Prince’s blood was enough to trick the dragon into believing it was thus.

Then it was that the huge and terrible dragon was upon her. The monster was mighty and terrible to behold. Yet, Elodie stood defiant, looking up at the dragon with bravery in her eyes.

“I do not fear you, dragon!” she cried, shaking her fist, “I am a Strong Independent Nonsexual Girl-Boss Mary Sue, and I shall defeat you, just like in all modern-day fairy tales!”

The dragon shrugged, picked her up, and bit her head off. Then he swallowed the rest of her with a loud belch.

“Not bad,” the dragon mused, “Could have used a little ketchup.”

The next day, Lord Bayford came calling for his daughter.

“Oh, dear,” said the Queen, “I’m afraid that your daughter has already filed for divorce from my son and has run off with some lumberjack.”

“Wait, what?” Lord Bayford said.

“However!” the Queen continued, “I have decided that my newly single son can marry your other daughter, Floria instead. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“Listen, cunt” Lord Bayford growled, “I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but if I don’t see Elodie in about twenty seconds, you and your candyass son are both going to get fucked by my sword.”

“Uncouth barbarian!” Queen Karen bellowed, “How DARE you say anything offensive to me whatsoever! Guards! Seize him! And ban him from Twitter!”

Four guards entered the room but Lord Bayford already had his sword drawn. Though getting on in years, he was still skilled and strong. He slew three of them and escaped the castle with barely his life.

Later that evening, the Queen’s soldiers kidnapped his other daughter, Floria. The Queen, Prince Henry, and her soldiers bore Floria away to the same chasm above the dragon’s lair, melded her blood with the Prince as before, and tossed her in.

Quite unlike her elder sister, when the dragon emerged from his inner chambers, Floria did her best to hide from the beast and stay as silent as possible.

“No problem, Sweet Cheeks,” the dragon bellowed into the cavern, “I’m still pretty full from eating your sister. Next time I get a case of the rumbleies, I’ll come back here for you. Tootles!” He then lumbered away, leaving Floria quietly sobbing in her hiding place.

On their way back to the castle, Queen Karen and her soldiers heard a thunderous reverberation from higher on the mountain. They were horrified to see an avalanche of boulders bearing down upon them. Try as they might to escape, all the soldiers were crushed by the stones, leaving only the Queen and the Prince, quite shaken. 

When the dust cleared, the Queen looked up to see Lord Bayford standing atop the stones, for it was he that started the avalanche in the first place, having timed it to kill the soldiers but leave her alive.

“You again?” shouted the Queen, “You shall be tortured to death for this outrage!”

“Yeah, hold that thought,” Lord Bayford replied.

He strode over to the Prince and with one quick motion of his sword, decapitated him, then grabbed the Prince’s head and tossed it over to the Queen.

The Queen screamed. As she shooed away the severed head, Lord Bayford approached her, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

As he marched back up the mountain, he said, “Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to explain to the dragon that you’ve been fooling him all of these years. Then you’re going to do your best to convince him to let my daughter go, offering him anything he wants in return. And you’d better hope that Floria is still alive, or else I wouldn’t want to be you.”

Deep in his lair, the dragon sat picking his teeth with a femur bone from his collection. Suddenly his massive head swiveled eastward as he heard distant sounds. Soon, the beast almost smiled when he beheld an old warrior with a well-dressed woman slung over his shoulder.

“Wow,” the dragon said, “A third one? Already? This is great!”

“That remains to be seen,” said Lord Bayford, and he pulled Queen Karen from his shoulder and dropped her onto the stone floor of the cavern. He kicked her in the rump and said, “Start talking, bitch.”

And so it was that the Queen, quite literally begging for her life, explained her deception to the dragon after all these years. She offered the dragon her horde of gold for the safe return of Floria, to which the dragon agreed.

Father and daughter were both overjoyed as Floria, having listened to the conversation from her hiding place, emerged, ran to her father, and embraced him. Though they mourned the death of Elodie, all was well.

“Yeah, yeah, this is all wonderful, but about my gold…” the dragon began.

“I will take you to the castle to retrieve it,” Lord Bayford said. Then he pointed at Queen Karen and said, “You can eat her.”

“What the-“ Queen Karen protested, but it was already too late. The dragon tiled his jaws sideways and bit her in half.

“Gonna save the rest for later,” it said while chewing with a smile.

When Lord Bayford, Floria, and the dragon emerged from the cavern, Lord Bayford said to the dragon, “Hold, beast. There is something I must explain to you before we come within sight of the castle.”

The dragon lowered its massive head to Lord Bayford and replied, “What is it?”

“It is nighttime,” Lord Bayford said, “So you should be able to overpower the guards once I get close to the castle. Then the treasure will be yours. There’s just one little problem.”

“What is that?” the dragon asked.

“You killed my daughter,” Lord Bayford growled.

As quick as a snake, he stabbed his sword deep into the dragon’s eye, all the way to the hilt. With a terrible roar, the dragon’s entire body shuddered and its massive head jerked upwards. Its throat now exposed, Lord Bayford’s sword flashed again, slicing a deep line of black blood across the dragon’s neck. The monster roared one last time, like the sound of a thousand volcanos, and then it dropped to the stones, quite dead.

Lord Bayford and his daughter returned to the castle, and the next day he was crowned the new monarch with the moniker of King Dragonsbane. His wife became the new Queen, and his daughter became a Princess after all. The head of the dragon was mounted over his bed, taking up most of the room, and ever after King Dragonsbane would smile it and give it a thumbs up as he made love to his wife to make some new daughters.

The End.

To have your question featured here where I will write an entire article addressing it, click here. You will always remain anonymous.

Question of The Week

Not Texting Every Day

E.G. Writes:

I know you have the rule about not texting too much but I’ve had 3 girls so far text me everyday. How do you respond to this? Seems like a loss of frame to text back and forth everyday, whereas it also seems like you’re disinterested if you stick to communicating twice every 7 days when they are initiating this often. Last year I tried this with a girl and she got upset and said I was a player. I just don’t get this. Help a bro out. Thanks!

The two times per week thing is a recommended maximum, not a hard maximum. You could indeed communicate a little more than that if you wish.

But yes, texting with a woman every day is going to drive down attraction and we don’t want that, even if the woman is the one initiating the texting daily. (Her feminine mind doesn’t care if you or she is the one initiating the texting; if you’re doing it every day, you’re going to damage attraction, period.)

And yes, not texting her every damn day will show (perhaps) that you’re not as interested. THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT. The reason she doesn’t want to have sex with all these beta males is because they’re too interested. You won’t want to be in the same category. Women chase what runs away… and the hotter she is, the more that’s true.

For the woman who called you a player, I have a feeling you were doing that pre-Lock-In (when you have sex with a new woman twice). Before that, this rule is NOT in place, so you can respond to texts from her every day until you have sex with her twice. Many women over age 33 will actually expect this and will indeed call you a “player” if you don’t play ball at this point (as they say, ask me how I know).

If a woman post-Lock-In is texting you every damn day, you do the “ween” technique where you ignore her texts for an entire day every other day. Just respond the next day like nothing happened. Most women will start to get the point and start texting you less often.

“But Caleb, what if she gets mad if I do that?”

Then INSTANT SOFT NEXT! And in my world, she doesn’t qualify for even an MLTR. I mean, seriously, why would you want to date a woman who is that needy?

  • bigbluez
    Posted at 09:32 am, 31st March 2024

    God, I forgot how much I enjoyed these retellings! As short and sweet as they are, they never fail to deliver a laugh. Thanks for suffering through the movie and giving us a much better story, Caleb. 

    By the way, regarding your review of this movie…it reminded me of The Critical Drinker’s (Will Jordan) scathing review as well. If you’re not familiar with him, I highly recommend his channel for a good laugh at the expense of Hollywood. You two seem like kindred spirits in that regard.

  • Caleb Jones
    Posted at 05:59 am, 1st April 2024

    Love the Critical Drinker. At some point I should talk to him.

  • Jax
    Posted at 08:25 pm, 25th April 2024

    Holy shit, this made me laugh so much. I’m so ready for AI get to the point where you can make these into short movies. It’d be hilarious.

    I’m glad the blog is back. It’s 1,000% better than YouTube. Hopefully the old comments glory will follow.

    PS – Please tell the fucker who’s setting the permanent blog up to make providing emails to comment optional.

  • Caleb Jones
    Posted at 05:12 am, 27th April 2024

    I don’t think we can do that; just plug in a fake email then.

Post A Comment